Bachelor Chris Recap: The Women Tell All (And Rock Bold Lips)

Monday night was one of the favorite nights of every season of The Bachelor: The Women Tell All.  This episode brings back almost all of the jilted ladies (save for a few forgettable gals who didn't make it past night one and the final two ladies who are living in a bunker somewhere until they can pretend to be engaged for 4-6 weeks, then call it off and go on to a career as a "TV personality") and without fail every woman shows up looking FRESH TO DEATH, as DJ Pauly D would say (go Rhode Island!).  The ladies are always dressed to the nines and rocking fresh highlights and/or extensions (I'm looking at you, Carly) and perfect make-up.  It's like how much you primp and prep when you know that you'll be running into your ex at a cocktail party TIMES INFINITY! #IHateMath.

On Monday night, the gang was all there...

Nikki – the former NFL cheerleader with dark hair who often looked surprised 

Trina – white girl with blonde hair looking great in yellow, which I find surprising (I'm an anti-blonde-white-women-in-yellow-dresses activist, usually) 

Jeulia – rad gal whose ex husband killed self and has a tyke at home 

Tara – drunk fly fishing enthusiast

Amber – looked so good I almost didn't recall who she was

Megan – the blonde gal who is NOT the brightest, but is rocking a great dark lip

Samantha – silent brunette

Jordan – other blonde drunk (who tried to plead her way back on by showing up to a cocktail party unannounced--what are you, ME?) 

Ashley S. – crazy train blondie 

Jillian – intense brunette who was pretty annoying, but she's rocking some rad earrings

Kelsey – Black Widow is rocking a bob even more unflattering than her previous haircut (quite an achievement)

Britt – bold lip as always, gold dress that looks very Forever 21

Mackenzie – young mom who loves aliens and might want to get some curl separator cream 

Ashley I. – female Bobby Bottleservice is sporting a flesh toned dress (my nightmare), plus tan lips (ugh), but her dark hair sorta balances it out. 

Jade – sporting a fiery red dress though she might be in the midst of a breakout 

Carly – resembles a disco dream in her sparkly dress, cool blonde hair color & bold eyes

Kaitlyn – she has completely grown on me and her white separates are sheer perfection 

We watch a montage of the good times and the bad times and before you know it, Britt has manipulated her way into the hot seat next to Chris Harrison.  Britt calls out her "former friend" Carly (what is this, 7th grade summer camp?) and asks why Carly pretended to be her friend.  Carly shoots straight and says that she tried to avoid drama in the house (read: this is a weird situation and we're all stuck together, so may as well go along to get along but crack wise in the interview room). Britt blames Carly for the fact that she was sent home and that dumb logic reminds me of when a high school girl's boyfriend would cheat on her with another girls and the jilted GF would inevitably go after the other woman.  

Haters gonna hate, but I have cool blonde hair now

Guess what, kid? That girl doesn't owe you anything.  YOUR BOYFRIEND is the one who did you wrong, here.  It was pretty delicious when Chris came out later to say that no, Carly didn't tell him what to do, HE didn't think that his relationship with Britt was progressing.  EAT IT, LA!  Britt says, in so many words, that Carly is jealous of her and I finally figure out what I find so repugnant about Britt: she treats Carly like a little, tagalong sister who isn't ALSO there vying for love.  She's a narcissist who plays a naif for attention and sympathy.  Blech.  Carly says that Britt is two faced and a good actress and I agree. Also, Britt clarifies that she WOULD be open to living in Arlington, Iowa as long as they wouldn't be living in the abandoned bank.

Up next is Black Widow Kelsey who Chris Harrison promptly asks, "why do you think that the women disliked you so much?"  Her response is so tone deaf and pitch perfect that I would think it was pulled from a Christopher Guest film if I hand't watched her say it: I've heard that I'm condescending and I use big words.  She throws out therapy soundbites like "honor my story" and "immeasurably blessed" but the best part happens when Chris Harrison asks Kelsey if she feels like she's better than these women and she responds, "how do you evaluate humanity?" Thanks for playing, Nietzsche!  Kelsey and Ashley I. get into it, Kelsey says something about how Ashley owes her an apology, and Ashley drops the greatest "gimme a friggin' break" facial expression of all time. 

Ashely S. (blonde crazy train) gets in the hot seat and semi-coherently says that she acted like such a space cadet all season because she was bored and she likes to be silly (OK, you rule, girl).  Chris Harrison begs her to do Bachelor In Paradise and her classic response to that request is, "It's so weird... that we're on TV." 

Jade gets some time with Chris Harrison during which she wonders if perhaps Prince Farming was lying when he said that her Playboy photos weren't a big deal. My heart goes out to her--people love to theorize about why a person would pose for photos like that and assume that these people are broken or defective somehow, but they aren't.  Jade has a great family, she's extremely close with her father--I admire her chutzpah.  To top it off, she says a line that I recite on the daily: shoot me straight.  Just tell me the truth.  

Up next is Kaitlyn who is looking gorgeous in white separates (a bold choice), modern heels (did you see them?), and a fuscia lip.  She says that she thinks about what happened every day (she made it to the top 3) and she's still confused by it all.  Kaitlyn is wonderfully candid and well-spoken, but after a few minutes her Canadian accent kept reminding me of Wheels Ontario.

Finally, Chris comes out and again, Britt spits out some crocodile tears in order to get time in the hot seat.  Does she somehow forget that Chris sent her home because he didn't like her attitude?  Chris says that Carly's warnings had nothing to do with it and that he didn't think they were moving forward. Britt somehow manipulates the conversation and ends up granting him good luck with his future and acting as though SHE is releasing HIM.  What just happened?  Kaitlyn calmly confronts him and Chris refers to the process as "like throwing darts at a dart  board in the dark" which is probably the most honest characterization of The Bachelor that I have ever heard.  Jade and Chris have a heartfelt conversation about his use of the word "disturbing" to describe his surprise at hearing Jade characterized as a "wild mustang" by her brother, then admits that it was a poor choice of words.  They hug and all is well.  

But before it's over, Chris Harrison has got to plug HIS NEW BOOK!  Trust me, as an author, I know how crucial it is to jump on any and every opportunity to whore out your book.  And with that, I encourage all of you to buy The New Rules for Blondes because mama needs a new pair of shoes!

Next week is the 3 hour finale and instead of each gal meeting The Bachelor's family in paradise, everything will be going down in Arlington, Iowa during the winter.  It's the bleakest midwintery-est Bachelor finale YET!  

Bach in Paradise: OH THE DRAMA!

On Monday night, Bachelor In Paradise was back with part one of a two night saga of sand dunes and drama.  I tuned in 30 minutes late because I still can't quite figure out how to use my DVR (I'm like an technologically averse old man's brain trapped inside the body of a smoking hot fox) and because I was living my damn life (and in the immortal words of One Life To Live's opening credits, "we've only got one life to liiiiiiive," ya know?).  OK, so I watched STD Shack while the rest of the world watched Sophia Vergara spin like a pig on a spit during the Emmy Awards.  (It really IS a great time for women in television, Julianna Marguiles!)

When I tuned in, Cody (the artist formerly known as Macklemore on Roids from Andi's season) had just arrived in paradise and asked out his uber crush Clare. Clare turned him down in favor of seeing where it goes with Zack and after some back and forth, Zack and Clare seemed to get on the same page. They had a good conversation on some Mexican festive pillows, during which Clare rocked far too much blush, but phrased her position well, saying, "I'm not asking for marriage tomorrow." Nice work, girl. Also, how do you keep your teeth so impossibly white?  

Cody didn't want to ask a second runner up (smart move, gym rat), so he passed off his date card to Marcus so that Marcus and Lacy could go on the most snooze-worthy date of all time. 

Later that night we saw the arrival of Kalon, the preppy tool from Emily's season who was booted for referring to Emily's daughter as "baggage" and who talks about being extremely wealthy much more than anyone who is actually extremely wealthy would ever do. (Seriously--I went to college with some crazy rich kids and it was always the richest kids who downplayed it, while the solidly upper middle class kids with aspirations of wealth were the ones who got name droppy about labels and cars. It's the financial version of "methinks the lady doth protest too much.")  Everyone hates Kalon on sight and he has no idea because he's a delusional moron.  He has a date card and he'd like to take Michelle on an adventure and "motorboat the F outta that" (his classy words--the crew back at the Yacht Club must be so proud!).  She agrees to a date with him, then drops him the next morning (#karma) so Kalon goes looking for a date and none of the girls are interested (awesome).  He refers to all of the women as "idiots" and leaves for a date alone, during which he did a fake heart-to-heart dialogue with himself and other activities that I'd imagine the UCSD shooter psychopath would do. 

Later at a beach bonfire Jesse Kovacs strolls up (hottie from Jillian's season who has a player reputation).  Jesse invites Jaki on a date and lays it on thick (and by "it" I mean charm/desperation) while they eat dinner in a cave. When she asks him point blank if he's strategizing, Jesse plays dumb and says that he's not good at strategizing.  Very strategic answer, Hot Dummy! 

That night during yet another beach bonfire, Michelle (who hilariously joked that she "felt like a plan B... or even C... occasional D" and made a fan out of me) lamented her inability to make a connection with anyone in the house and then got a massage from sweetheart Cody.  I smell a new love connection! 

The next day AshLee learned a heartbreaking lesson: when you go on a reality TV show, you're mic-ed 24/7 AND there are cameras everywhere. I KNOW! Can you even stand it? Fake EyelAshLee learned this tough lesson when she openly talked smack about Clare to Zack. She encouraged Zack to pursue other women, called Clare "cuckoo" (oh that's rich coming from AshLee who confessed to Graham that she staked is Instagram on the day they met), and snapped, "she bleeped a guy in the ocean--are you kidding me?" Zack didn't say much of anything (and dude needs to learn how to STEP UP) but word got back to Clare faster than you can say "internalized sexism is what keeps the patriarchy in power and sexual double standards are often reinforced by the very groups that they victimize!" 

In a private conversation, Zack tells Clare that he isn't going to have her back, despite the fact that they are Bachelor In Paradise-dating, but the words come out as, "I don't want to be part of this drama" and Clare says she'll handle it herself (OMG she rules).  

Later that night, AshLee pulls Clare aside and says she's unsure of why Clare might be mad, but she senses some tension (oh AshLee, you're more inept at playing the victim than the girls who used to pull that crap on me in high school). Clare wins the day, telling AshLee, "you and I are not friends" and when AshLee has the audacity to say, "I'm not upset at you--don't feel like you did anything wrong" Clare rightfully snaps back, "I DIDN'T." It's intriguing to watch AshLee try to pull Jedi mind tricks on Clare and fail so spectacularly.  Clare tells AshLee that she's tacky and not classy and AshLee scampers off to lie in the bed that she made (literally and figuratively).  

The next night is the rose ceremony and 6 girls will be giving out roses to 8 dude options. Smart  money says that Kalon is on his way out (don't forget your baggage, fake Richie Rich), but who will the other reject be? Well we won't know until Tuesday night because there was drama at the rose ceremony! 

During cocktail hour, Michelle pulled Graham aside and told him about AshLee's toxic smack talking. Graham had been unenthusiastically "dating" AshLee (thought it seemed  more like a hostage situation), but he's stunned by her mean spirited behavior toward Clare. The rose ceremony starts, and we get as far as...

Lacy - Marcus (I think I dozed off for a moment because of how insufferably BORING these two are.) 

Clare - Zack (I hope the guy can step it up soon. Also, her white top rules.) 

AshLee - Graham 

BUT as AshLee offers her rose to Graham, he stands there looking dazed for a moment, then simply walks out of the rose ceremony. Michelle follows him moments later (because she knows how to make good reality TV and drama must be talked out with another person) and then we see "TO BE CONTINUED" on the screen.  

TUNE IN TONIGHT! 

Bachelorette Andi Ep 10: The Men Tell All (Plus an Ultrasound!)

On Monday night, The Bachelorette aired its “Men Tell All” episode, but in addition to men telling all there was a live ultrasound, a frank discussion of race relations, and appearances by a few Bach alums who just can’t seem to graduate from Bach U. 

The show kicked off with an appearance by JP and Ashley, the couple who are singlehandedly reminding Bachelor Nation that reality TV love CAN work out.  Ashley is wicked pregnant and they are moving to Miami because winter 2K13 into 14 was tough and, as Ashley says, “happy wife, happy life.”  They’re a super cute couple and they seem to get along great, but I felt like I was watching 2 people playing prescribed roles of Doormat Husband and Wife With a Real Mouth on Her.  Chris Harrison made a joke that JP and Ashley are moving to Miami to be closer to Juan Pablo and I hope that Johnny Pabs is ready to be the butt of every Bachelor joke for the rest of his clueless life.  Then, in a move that Chris Harrison would call UNPRECEDENTED, a medical technician shows up and administers an ultrasound on “live” TV.  Just when you thought that The Bachelor franchise couldn’t get more heteronormative, they pull this move!  What’s next, a Bachelor cremation? The audience is bizarrely invested in the sex of a baby made by two strangers and when they discover that it’s a boy, everyone is elated.  JP says that he’s excited to watch football with his son (since girls are allergic to football—it’s in their DNA).  

Chris Harrison throws us a promotion for the next move in the Bachelor franchise, Bachelor In Paradise (which will be launching in a few weeks and yes, I will be recapping but I might do shorter recaps—I can’t handle this much Bach).  Bachelor in Paradise promises to be filled with drama, craziness, tears, and end with AN INCIDENT that involves blood and handcuffs.  This aint your mammy’s hump house TV show!  

Finally, the rejects—err—guys—from this season of The Bachelorette are trotted out and true to form, everyone looks better than they did during the season (except for Cody—sorry, bro).  We’ve got Carl (firefighter), Brett (hairdresser who walked in with a lamp), Andrew (guy who came off as pretty damn sketchy), Patrick (dude who brought nothing to the table), Bradley (Opera Man), Ron (left abruptly after a few episodes), Craig (Overexcited Loser), Nick S. (golf pro who Andi straight up didn’t like and he treats her as though she’s somehow in the wrong for this opinion), Tasos (who was lucky or unlucky enough to have his rejection never go to air), JJ (Pantsapreneur who had some wicked red eye this episode), Marquel (all sweet smiles), Cody (who is a ball of muscles with a pair of ears attached), Dylan (who got a haircut and continues to rule), Brian (his BFF—New England buds for LIFE!), Marcus (who I never quite “got”), Chris (who I’d like to get).  

Marquel rocked a cookie pin and handed out cookies to the audience (WE GET IT, KID), Brian was in a suit but looked like his mom had dressed him up for the 7th grade semi-formal, and the guys debated the he said/he said storyline of whether Andrew made a comment about the “black guys” during a rose ceremony.  We watched a montage of the guys during which Andrew referred to JJ and friend as “meatheads in suits” which makes me wonder if he went to a college without a football team.  Is a self-described “Pantsapreneur” your idea of a “Meathead"?  If so, let me introduce you to the boys of Delta Upsilon sometime.  I once watched one of them fistfight a refrigerator when he was drunk—THAT is a meathead, my friend. 

The guys talked about the alleged incident in which Andrew leaned over to JJ and made a comment about the black guys and the producers played the footage of that exchange happening (Andrew wasn’t miced, though), then Marquel talked about his faith and manhood and the whole thing was a surprisingly adult, civil conversation.  Chris talked about how to handle things “as a man” and made it clear that he’s not a fan of JJ.  It seems like JJ is one of those guys who characterizes himself really easygoing an playful and fun, but is actually a shit stirrer.  

Marquel spent some time in the hot seat and admitted that he was unable to get out of the friend zone with Andi and that he didn’t realize that guys were kissing her.  Marcus chatted with Chris Harrison about his experience and admitted that he made a comment because he was hurt (admirable to admit that on TV), and Chris heard more about how much his farmer family friggin’ rules.  A random chick in an off white jumpsuit interrupted their conversation so that she could flirt with Chris and give him her digits, which was gutsy… but weird.  During Ketla (yes, that was her name) and Chris’s commercial break speed date, Dylan shouted, “YOLO!” which cracked me up. 

Finally, Andi came out in a sparkly, short dress and took some questions from the guys.  Two tone shirt Cody tells Andi that she never saw “the real Cody” which is a blessing for everyone involved, I think.  Chris Bukowski (who tried to crash the first cocktail party) again lets himself be a Bachelor punchline in order to promote Bachelor in Paradise.  Dude, get some pride, would ya? Chris Harrison shares the lie detector results which are that JJ, Brian, and Chris told no lies.  Josh told some lies (perhaps the question was, “Are you over your failed pro ball career?” and he said yes?), Marcus lied about his number (awkward), and Dylan lied about preferring brunettes to blondes.  Hell yeah, Dylan’s wicked smaaaat and he prefers BLONDES which is the CORRECT OPINION!  Might I recommend a beach read to you, sweet Massole Man?  Here's the trailer for said book:

The episode closed with a montage of Andi bloopers, then pieces about Josh and Nick.  Who will win Andi’s heart?  We’ll find out on Monday!  

Bachelorette Andi Recap Ep 7: Mussels and Muscles in Brussels!

Last night Andi clipped the crew of dudes from 6 down to 4 and made me wonder, "what has she got against beefcakes who are most likely Irish Catholic?"  But let's not get ahead of ourselves.

The gang was in Brussels, Belgium and Andi had enough bulky ponchos for everyone, though most of the men favored lightweight scarves (WHY?) and Dylan rocked a tiny ponytail (which took some getting used to... but I can dig it... mostly because sweet Dyl Dyl wore it).  Chris Harrison greeted the half dozen hotties and had a big brother-style talk (the family relationship, not the TV show) about this, the week before hometown dates (or as Bach Nation calls them, "HOMETOWNS").  They learned that that this week's activities would include two 1:1 dates (no roses up for grabs) and a group date (with 1 rose on the table) and before we know it, Marcus (good abs, blah everything else) is off for a 1:1 date with Andi.

Andi and Marcus chow on chocolates, mussels, and a sundae, plus take a selfie.  When they are sharing mussels, Marcus talks about how he has been journaling about his feelings. I don't mean to sound like your elementary school gym teacher here ("quit being a pansy!") and it's totally cool to write stuff down and make sense of it, but the gerund form of the word journal gives me wicked dumb chills. What else gives me dumb chills? When Andi tells Marcus, "I'm glad you're a good eater!" Umm, are you on a date with a guy or a tiny baby?

That night, Marcus and Andi get dressed up and have dinner in a castle, where Marcus speaks openly about his family.  It gets a little heavy: his father walked out, his mother was abused and then abused Marcus and his siblings, there was some major abandonment there, but now it's all good. Andi then comforts Marcus with the best line out of Good Will Hunting:



As Marcus explains that he and his mother have a fantastic relationship now, Andi switches from Good Will Hunting to Oprah as she asks when he had his "aha moment" with her. Enough pop psychology, Ombre DA! Andi and Marcus make out on the street and his chances of scoring a hometown date are looking good. Hey, I guess those killer abs are worth something.

That night, smug weirdo Nick is in the hotel suite and he's having a really hard time hearing about Marcus's date with Andi, you guys.  It's really hard FOR HIM to deal with this (cause it isn't for ever other guy there, dude?), so he sneaks off to see Andi.  I guess that's cool and all is fair in love and war...but I just can't dig this guy.  Nick walks to the front desk (camera crew in tow!) where he lies and says that Andi Dorfman is his wife and he forgot what room they are staying in, plus he needs a key.  Security at that Brussels hotel is sketchier than Josh's claims that he has nothing to hide, so the front desk clerk promptly hands him a key to room 207.  This romance is TERRIFYING! He shows up at her door, they go for a walk, Nick fidgets like a drug addict, and they make out against a tree.  Andi says that she and Nick have a passionate relationship that is "so hot."

Back in the suite, a ponytailed Dylan (who strangely resembles John Belushi's Samurai character with that tiny pony) asks the guys, "are you girls ready?" (OMG kid is hilarious and so friggin' Mass), then reads the next date card and the lucky guy is Josh (aka Pretty Boy Kenny Powers).

Josh and Andi explore Gent, Belgium and Josh can't keep his filthy paws off her, which she mistakes for genuine love from him. They stumble upon a clown marching band who are parading ducks through town and Josh pretends to find it hilarious and whimsical, but you can tell he's choking back a cry of "NEEEEERDS!" They eat lunch outside and while stone faced, Josh insists that he has feelings for her. I almost expected him to follow up with, "wait--that's my line, right?"  That night, Andi breaks out leather pants (casual rocker look--mama likes!) and Josh says, "it's not a 'too good to be true' thing" and he's referring to himself. His humility is inspiring.  Later, poker face Josh says that he's falling in love with Andi, but I don't believe it at all.  Andi is elated, saying, "this is real" but girl, this is about as real as the GUCCI purse that I bought on the street in Venice during study abroad.  Then we hear string music coming from outside the castle and as they walk through a stone doorway, Josh pulls Andi in for a kiss and they make out hard while lit from behind and seemingly standing in front of a fog machine. Is this The Bachelorette or an 80s music video?  They walk down to a performance by American Young (who?) who are singing, "sometimes love is war" which feels apt since Josh's "love" is a lot like the Iraq War: lead by an arrogant southerner and founded on lies. Aww snap Selena just got political!  More info here, if you are interested.  Josh and Andi dance on a platform and Josh claims that he's excited, but it has nothing to do with Andi--he just loves flashing his so-white-they're-almost-blue teeth and waxed eyebrows at America.

The next day is a group date for Dylan (rad!), Brian (nice!), Chris (hubba hubba!) and Nick (blech).  Nick is THRILLED that this is the final group date (he says this and the other guys just stare at him-HA!) but will he be thrilled to discover that the date is crawling on ruins then eating cheese cubes on sacred ground (at a working monastery) where they can't kiss? Maybe he will, maybe he won't, either way he'll be weird. Chris and Andi secret off a pottery studio that Andi calls a "pottery barn" (super subtle product placement?) where they re-enact Ghost and friggin' KISS! Is the pottery barn not sacred ground? Who usually makes out in that room? Monks? Is that room ever used for pottery, or only for make outs?

Andi sits down with the crew and informs them that 1 lucky guy will get a rose on this date and he will stay on for dinner while the other 3 losers drive home like a clown car full of rejects. The guys freak out and pull out all the stops: Dylan says that his family is excited to meet Andi, Brian says that he's falling in love, Nick says that he knew there was a catch and "I hate being right." Oh really? I feel like you love it, smug prick.

Finally, the cheese cubes are eaten, the sun has set, and it's rose-giving time.  Andi says that she wants the honor of meeting this guy's family and the guy is Nick.  Oh Andi, in the wise words of Sean Lowe's sister during his season, DO NOT pick the contestant who everybody else in the house hates.  Let me remind you of some of Nick's company in that role:

Courtney, whose catchphrase was stolen
 from Charlie Sheen: WINNING.

Nikki, whose roots were the thing to watch
 during her season.

This mountain man psychopath who was on
Ashley's season--they found him living under a tree stump. 

Vienna, a girl named after a city that no one in her family has ever visited.

The guys who are actually hot strut away and Brian calls it "a kick between the teeth" but I suspect he means a kick in the teeth (who has small enough feet or a big enough gap between teeth for Brian's phrase?).  Nick and Andi flutter about their impending Milwaukee trip and I'll give Nick a single compliment: I like that he intimidates Josh.  Le fin.

The my DVR skipped ahead and I missed the dude fight back at the suite. WHY!? I hate technology! The episode picked up at a key moment, though: Just as Andi (dressed in a ball gown last seen on DYNASTY) arrived at a mansion to send 2 weepy hotties back to Small Town, USA.  But before she could start throwing elbows, Andi made out with Chris ("you go, farmer" -Andi), Nick interrupted Brian's 1:1 time (even though he already had a rose! As my pal Mara Herron would say, SIT DOWN (and I mean that metaphorically, not literally and YES I will use double parens here!)), Dylan tried unsuccessfully to be emotionally vulnerable, and Josh acted obnoxious.

Finally, Andi lined up the dudes and then started in on a monologue that reminded me a lot of America's Next Top Model ("Six hotties stand before me--I'm sorry--5 hotties and a Smug Recovered Nerd Named Nick stand before me...") then she started handing out the roses.  Nick already had one, but who else scored a hometown date?
-Josh (aka Less Jacked Gaston)
-Marcus (Get ready to talk abandonment, Andi!)
-Chris (farmer man seemed shocked).

So Brian and Dylan, two wholesome guy's guys from the northeast were sent packing.  They both hugged Andi goodbye and told her that she deserves the best, which made me love them both even MORE since that's what my ex-boyfriend Ryan (the handsome redneck who drove a truck with a lift and used to play pro hockey... it's like a recipe for hotness...) said to me when we broke up. Andi cries and Dylan says, "I definitely deserve to fall in love again." Yes you do, handsome Masshole! It's NOT YOUR FAULT!

Next week are hometown dates but a more important issue is at hand: who can introduce me to Dylan?

Bachelorette Desiree: Episode 8 Recap

Amigos!

I have been a real jerk lately, I know.  I had a string of a whole lotta shows then I went upstate on vacation and somehow my beloved Bach recaps got lost in the fray.  I'm sorry, sweet pussycats.  (But in lighter news, my vacation was DOPE and I drank dollar beers in a VFW hall where the only rules are: yes, you can smoke indoors, but no, you cannot drop the F bomb. Cool by me!)  It's especially bad timing right now, when we're in the home stretch!  But I'm finally all caught up and ready to talk smack and make metaphors-a-plenty.

First off, Chunky Swayze had a tearful goodbye in the close of the episode before last.  I was sad to see him go, but he and Des never seemed to have a romantic connection, ya know?  And when your first 1:1 date is in the final 5, you just haven't laid enough groundwork for this TV relationship to thrive.  (My vast knowledge of Bach timing and development is both inspiring and pathetic.)

So on Monday's episode, we were down to 4 suitors remaining: Zak (SWEET LORD, WHEN WILL THIS ELABORATE JOKE END?), Drew (they grow 'em real clean cut and earnest in Scottsdale), Chris (he writes lame poetry but he used to play pro ball, so his coolness factor is back to 0), and Brooks (who needs to speak like a grown adult).  Desiree is ready to criss-cross the country like a 90s child rap group wearing jeans backwards cause it's "HOMETOWNS."  Does anyone else find it gross that "Hometowns" has entered the popular vernacular and it always means Bachelor franchise-related hometown visits? I love to hate this show, but nonetheless: barf.

Desiree's first trip is to Dallas, TX where Zak, his abs, and his family's shaved iced business is located (you can't make this stuff up).  Zak says, "if people think I'm crazy--wait 'till they see my crazy family" and his family (aka Zak Attack) does not disappoint.  Before family time, Des and Zak meet up in a local gazebo (what would Bach DO without small town gazebos?), hop in the 'ole family shaved ice truck, and work a quick shift at a park.  Sweet date!  Chipping ice and handing it to screaming children while you (probably) don't even make minimum wage!  I keep getting taken on these dates that just involve free dinner, free drinks, and street-side kisses, but I just wish someone would dress up in a penguin suit and cart me around in a shaved ice truck!  Finally, Des and Zak head over to Zak's parents' McMansion (what would Bach DO without McMansions?) where they sit down for lunch with Zak's parents, sister Carly (nice hair, gurl!), and brother Denton.  After dinner, the family serenades Desiree with a song that Zak wrote (HOLY DUMB CHILLS!) with the lyrics, "Desiree, we can see your place in our family."  As if that isn't bad enough, Zak then takes Des into the backyard where he gives her a promise ring and drops the L bomb. Lawdy lawdy it was intense.  I'd like to share a saying (that I just thought of) with Zak: Sometimes when you pull out all the stops, you just get STOPPED.  (YOU'RE WELCOME, readers! Feel free to use that, but please mail me a dime every time you do.)

Next stop on this hometown visit thrill ride: Scottsdale, AZ to meet Drew's family.  Drew is looking hot and he meets Desiree, then they drive to his mentally handicapped sister's residence to pick her up for the visit. I may have a heart made of stone and a sharp tongue, but watching Drew talk about and interact with his sister Melissa had me in tears.  Later, Melissa's father referred to her as an angel and I was WEEPING (and it wasn't because of the white wine I was drinking and PMS I was experiencing--and am still experiencing, UNIVERSE!).  Melissa swatted at Desiree's hair, which cracked me up ("she likes hair" -Drew) then the trio drove to Drew's mother's house to meet up with Drew's dad Mal, mom Linda, stepfather, sister, her husband, and brother Mal (that family sure loves the name Mal, huh? Did they invent Malware? That joke's for you, NERDS!).  Drew's mother's house was decorated in a style that you might call "Dream Catcher Overload" but she seems lovely.  Both of Drew's parents love Desiree and think she's very down-to-earth and real (which she truly seems) and Drew tells them that he wants to marry her.  That night after dinner, Des and Drew make-out in the driveway (sweet, suburban times) and he tells her that he loves her three times.  A hattrick of unrequited admissions of love!

But the High Hopes Express has gotta chug along and the next stop is McMinnville, Oregon where Chris grew up and still gets his snots pulled out by his father.  But before Chris's father can give his son a "nose adjustment" (looks more like pulling snot like you do on a baby, but you can call it whatever you like) and adjust Desiree's back, there's softball to be played and softball-themed puns to be made!  Desiree and Chris suit up in baseball shirts, hats, and eye black (which was REALLY important cause the day was grey and overcast) then bat at a ball while repeatedly saying things like, "you're a catch!" and "Chris is stealing my heart." I couldn't keep up with all of them over the sound/movement of dousing my own eyeballs with Sriracha, but you get the gist.  Chris's mother rocks a pretty bold, stacked bob and spills the beans that Chris was hoping Desiree would be the bachelorette.  As I told my pal Emily when she shared a little too much information with a certain tattooed, HOT bartender who I went out with a few times, "Don't be spilling my BEANS, yo!"  Desiree continues her tour of driveway make-outs and after they kiss, Chris says that nobody could be more connected than they are.  Oh Chris, you are a video editor's dream with that comment because who's up next...

BROOKS!  The Salt Lake City, UT native (read: Mormon) who Desiree straight-up says she LOVES.  Yowza!  Are the editors making it seem like Brooks is a shoe-in just to throw us off the trail that probably leads to Chris or Drew?  It seems a little early for Desiree to be that candid, but who knows in this topsy-turvy Bach world.  Desiree and Brooks meet up in a park (and it's like, "thanks a ton for preserving these public green spaces, Frederick Law Olmsted," right?) where Des shares a tally of her favorite Brooks dates and memories.  Brooks is undoubtedly he most hesitant of all the guys and I fear that emotionally unavailability is what's pulling in Desiree (take it from a girl who LOVES emotionally unavailable dudes--they're the tops!  Unless you want to feel like a human who deserves to have feelings!).  Brooks's family is HUGE and wearing name tags.  At dinner, Brooks talks about Desiree as though she's not even in the room.  After dinner, Brooks's brothers (no relation to the preppy store--BOOMTOWN!) grill him with questions about Desiree, including "can she hang with you?" (yeah, I think she can whisper talk and be effeminate REAL well) and the bizarre, "if she was gone, would you want her back?"  Meanwhile, Brooks's mother talks to Desiree then reports back that it went just "OK" which felt odd.  I was having some flashbacks to Emily's season, when she ended up with Pompadour Prince/Robyn wannna-be, Jef.  I know that this big, happy family can seem SO enticing (especially when you come from a small family that is 1/4 psychopath brother--as Desiree's family is), but you KNOW that all that family closeness would feel suffocating eventually.  They kiss goodbye.

Then Desiree is back in LA and her tattooed brother Nate is coming for a visit.  Des says that she won't let Nate meet the guys just yet and in his typical mature, thoughtful, adult way, he says that he'd like to "get in their heads."  That evening, the 4 guys arrive for the rose ceremony and ratty Nate watches them from behind a pillar, looking more like a teenager stalking the lobby of his local hotel because he heard that his favorite band, Audioslave, was staying there.

Desiree sits down with Chris Harrison and says that she loves Brooks and is hoping for a proposal from him.  Yikes!  Again, I feel like the producers are manipulating us by pushing Brooks really hard but the winner will end up being Drew or Chris.  Time will tell.  In the meantime, we have a rooftop line-up to witness!

The four dudes are lined up, Desiree is in a cute, sparkly dress, and the tears are flowing before she has even had the chance to publicly ruin the life of a single guy!  What order did the roses come in?

BROOKS (either the producers are really pushing this storyline HARD or she genuinely, somehow likes this schmoe)
CHIS (she can look forward to a LIFETIME of snot removal at the hands of her father-in-law!)
and now it's between Drew and Zak... and if you think Zak is going to advance an INCH farther, I'd like for you to meet be behind the dumpster so that we can fistfight after school cause the rose goes to...
DREW!  (Hell yeah--he's hot, sweet, has a sick body, and Des can look forward to a lifetime of dream catchers on her walls!)

So finally, thank God, our long national nightmare of Zak as a viable Bachelorette contender is over.  Unlike all of America, Zak is shocked and upset.  Desiree cries and give Zak back his promise ring (which he later tosses out the window of the limousine cause it makes for good TV--I bet they had a PA there to catch it).  For how much I hated Zak all season, his final rejection limo ride gave me some sympathy for him.  He said that he had been in a slump and was sad to return to his life alone.  Aww buddy.  Lemme give ya two tips: (1) don't lead with your abs when it comes to courtship, and (2) never dress up in a penguin costume on a date.  Those two are on the house.  Good luck to ya, Zak.

Next week is the Men Tell All and I can't wait to get some updates on the rejects!  Are James and Mikey cashing in on their D list fame and slaying ladies together in Chicago?  Is Ben still a psychopath manipulator pretending to be a good, Christian man and father?  Is Bryden still using hair gel (I HOPE)?  Is Kasey still talking in hashtags and not getting women?  We'll find out on Monday!

Bachelorette Desiree: Episode 7 Recap

Amigos!

I couldn't watch last night's episode in its entirety, as I had my own dating ritual to conduct (a lot like The Bachelorette, only in my version I hand out whiskey shots instead of roses and sadly, Chris Harrison doesn't hang out with me) but I caught the first half and it was chock full of Bach goodies!

Desiree and her 5 remaining beaus traveled to Madiera (an island off Portugal) and we kicked off the episode with images of the posse arriving in Madiera by boat.  The shots looked like a Ralph Lauren catalogue photo shoot (clean cut, preppy as hell, zero minorities) and there was a whole lotta shouting ("Hello!" "Madiera!" "I'm a tool!"(that last one is one I WISH they would yell)).

What's in store this week?  Three one-on-one dates and a two-on-one date, but without the usual elimination from the two-on-one.  As Desiree says, now it's about love and getting to know if one of these guys is a match for lifelong partnership.  Aint nobody got time for rejections mid-date anymore!

Desiree called in some of her supposed best friends to help her make some dude decisions and wouldn't you know it, her besties are all gals from last season of The Bachelor!  I guess that serving time as a crew of concubine cuties bonds you just as much as sorority pledging, because Desiree's "friends" are Catherine (Asian girl who won Sean's heart), Jackie (redhead from Sean's season who always looked great), and Lesley (blonde Arkansan from Sean's season).  Desiree talks about the guys, saying that Drew has the best body and is the best kisser (ummm... SHOW OVER.  I'm sorry, but those two items are good enough for me--wrap it up, kids--we have a winner) and that Zak is the most adventurous (ha--that's a nice way of saying he's an adult hyper hypo with ADD).  The women stare at the guys with binoculars (I love a good stalker move!) and yell at Brooks to take off his shirt.  Hell yeah, ladies!

The first 1:1 date is with Brooks and I have FINALLY put my finger on what I hate about him.  He comes off as quite effeminate and wimpy overall, but last night I realized the problem is his VOICE.  Lawdy lawdy could the guy speak in a tone that's a TOUGH higher than a friggin' whisper?  Brooks, is your real name Brooks or are you one of the Yin Yang Twins cause this is some whisper song shit going on here!  They do a driving trip during which they stand on the edge of a cliff (what, no metaphors about how falling in love is like falling off a cliff?) then drive up INTO the clouds so that they can break out every cloud-related analogy YOU HAVE EVER HEARD OF.  Lawdy lawdy it was like watching a game of Secret Password when you think the word is something about clouds.  They're on cloud 9!  Their relationship just broke through the clouds (whatever THAT means)!

That evening Desiree rocks a dope, metallic miniskirt (she may be a poor man's Katie Holmes cheeseball, but I'm willing to admit when she dresses well) and have a candelit dinner, during which she showcases the fact that she doesn't know what an adjective is.  Brooks says something about the adjectives between like and love (a bit odd, but whatever) and she then suggests the following words: stepping, skipping, jogging, running, finish line.  Errrrmmmm... wah!?!?  GIRL.  Did you not attend 6th grade?  (Probs no, since you say "times that" instead of "multiply that," but I digress).  Stepping, skipping, jogging, running--those are VERBS and to get a lil fancier, those are also gerunds.  (I love a good gerund, don't you?  My fave is probably "dangling" since it's a gerund about what modifiers do--HEYO!)  The last item in your list, Desiree, "finish line" is not a verb OR an adjective, but rather a noun.  Please try to be consistent in your idiocy, if nothing else.  Brooks appeared supremely confused by her ignorance of adjectives, but that didn't stop him from saying he'd love to bring her home to meet the parents.  Nice.

Up next is a 1:1 with Chris and the pair board a dope yacht where they strip down to swimsuits and rub sunblock on each other (apparently people actually DO that when trying to be sexy--I always thought it was an urban legend... well, not urban really--a beach legend.  Whatever--I'm saying that stuff like that only happens in 80s teen movies.)

That's where I had to jet to do my make-up, so I'll write the rest of this recap very soon. I love you, sweet jazzy cats!!

Bachelorette Desiree: Episode 6 Recap

As usual, I'm late with this recap.  I was performing at ALA in Chicago over the weekend (that's a conference hosted by the American Library Association and it RULZ) then had a gig Monday night, blah blah blah.  So my recap is late once again.  Someday I'll get it together, I promise, sweet pussycat.

What went down in episode 6 of The Bachelorette?  The standard fare that we have come to expect from this crew: Michael getting wicked lawyery, James (The Don) expelling water from his body in the form of a whole lotta tears and sweat, and Juan Pablo reminding us why the hell he's here (because he's a professional soccer player).

The crew headed to Barcelona, Spain (and based on Drew's pronunciation of whatever Spanish word means "small, street band," you KNOW that he's one of those jags who pronounces it "BarTHHHHElona."  What do I say to that? BARFelona--heeeyo! I'm the worst!).  Chris Harrison informs them of the week's activities: two 1:1 dates and a group date with roses up for grabs on all date and NO COCKTAIL PARTY (that's like WASP hell!), so there's no time for 11th hour pleas to Desiree.

The first 1:1 date goes to Mr. Clean Cut himself, Drew.  As soon as Des and Drew meet up on the street, he goes in for a real kiss which was very Will Hunting of him (remember that scene in the diner when Skylar talks about a goodnight kiss and Will talks about a goodnight lay and then they kiss? Ahh Boston... where the greatest dudes are bred).  They explore, eat tapas, drink from a filthy spigot and Drew explains that his father is a recovering alcoholic who has cancer (but nobody knows about the cancer).  Spoiler alert, Drew: eeeeerybody's going to know about the cancer now.  Hope Pops is chill with it!

That night they stumble upon a trio of musicians playing in an alley and they both "dance" which is horrible to watch.  Wow, Desiree is awkward when attempting to move her upper body and lower body in the ritual that humans call "dancing."  They pass through a tiny, unmarked door and into a gorgeous courtyard where they are supposed to have dinner, but--aww snap--Drew has other plans!  Clean cut Drew takes Desiree by the hands and WHISKS her away (dude whisks HARD), back into that same alley, for a HARD CORE MAKE OUT beneath bright lights & in front of 3 videocameras.  It all looked very dramatic and completely moronic.  But perhaps all public make-outs do?  I have no idea cause I'm usually on the inside of those hard core make-outs (Heeeeeyo! UP TOP! But seriously I made out with this dude at a bar in February and I can only imagine how weird we must have looked. Me, this perfectly coiffed knock out vision of perfection making out with a bearded mountain man in a hunting shirt. For reals!).

Post-hard make out, Drew tells Desiree about what he overheard in the van last week: Mikey (rest in peace sweet Chicagoland beefcake) and James (The Don) talking about what life would be like for them back in Chicago, post-Bachelorette.  Drew & Kasey heard the guys talk about their ambitions of being the next Bachelor or at least trading on this newfound fame to score some ladies/free bottle service.  Class acts, those two! (But you know that if Mikey ever asked me out, I'd definitely say yes, even though he's probably a sleaze.  Ahh the power of roid rage-style arms & tribal tattoos!  I'm helpless against it!)  Drew scores a rose in the alley (good thing Des always keeps those on her person, huh?)

The next day is the group date and the crew is Brooks (still effeminate), Chris (pasty but growing tanner/cooler), Kasey (#StillSux), Michael (Chunky Swayze if Dalton had gone to law school instead of NYU for Philosophy--oh don't you doubt I know my Roadhouse references for a MINUTE, reader!), James (The Don and the resident  house pariah), and Juan Pablo (remember him?).  Desiree is in Sporty Spice mode (Poor Man's Katie Holmes/Sporty Spice--how many pop culture references can I make at once!? TWO?) and meets the boys at a soccer stadium where they will be doing drills and playing.  Michael rocks a sweatband because that's his favorite activity in the world (other than screaming, "I OBJECT!" every chance he gets) and Juan Pablo says he feels like he's home.  After some drills, Desiree disappears then walks back out with her team, which is comprised of WOMEN!  The guys respond in such a way that I assume they're unaware that women are allowed to PLAY soccer, much less that they have their own league.  The 6 dudes will be playing against Des and her team of 5 professional soccer players, yet Brooks still says, "if we don't beat them, we'll be embarrassed forever."  Ummm guys, you know that these 5 ladies are PROFESSIONALS at this, yes?  Why would you be embarrassed when your team of 1 professional and 5 amateurs loses to a team that is 5 professionals and 1 amateur.  Oh wait, because they're WOMEN!? Oh wow--you guys really come off like total pussies, but apparently you're sexist pussies, which is the worst kind of pussy.  But I digress.  Desiree and her team friggin' slaughter the guys 10-2 and all is right in the world.

At the afterparty, Desiree recites an original poem for Chris (barf) and marvels at his sports skills, saying, "I could give you any activity and you could do it so good."  Too bad you can't use grammar so good, Des.  Meanwhile, Kasey and Michael are talking about the #JamesSituation and decide to confront James about what he said in the van.  Chris just happens to be sitting there (hold onto that nugget for later).  Kasey and Michael confront James and he gets mad REAL QUICK (not the sign of a person who feels especially innocent, huh?) and lights into the dudes.  He finishes off his monologue with a classic, Half Baked style exit, pointing at Michael, then Chris, then Kasey and saying, "Yeah, fuck you Michael and fuck you and fuck you."

My favorite part about the whole display was that Chris said NOTHING to James and yet still got the 'ole "fuck you" to the face. There is nothing more hilarious to me than when people get caught in the verbal crossfire like that.

Kasey then tells Desiree about all of it and Desiree asks James to stick around after the guys leave for some 1:1 time. Before they all leave, Desiree says that she won't be giving out a rose tonight (which was probably pretty frustrating to Juan Pablo since I imagine he KILLED IT in the soccer match).

During their alone time, James is unrepentant yet weepy and insists that he was just making small talk with Mikey (so apparently he'll go along with anything you say to him in conversation?).  Desiree is tired and confused and sends him back to the hotel.

The next day is the Zak/Desiree 1:1 and I remain flabbergasted about the fact that he's still HERE.  Zak is an annoying tool with a crazy positive attitude who showed up shirtless and covered in bronzer on night 1!  And yet he's still here!? Huh? (I know that in Sean's season the girl who showed up shitfaced & in a wedding dress made it to the final 2, but I still can't believe Zak is here!)

Since Barcelona has so much art, their date consists of going to a windowless studio to sketch (way to make use of the city, producers!) a few models and each other.  A nude model shows up (OF COURSE HE DOES) and assumes a pose that can only be described as "Taint Shame."  I would post a photo here but I'm afraid I'll end up on a watch list.  It was pretty sketchy (HEYO!) and of course Zak used that opportunity to strip down to his tightey whiteys and pose (come on Zak, did Marky Mark teach you NOTHING in the early 90s?).  That night they dress up for dinner in an underground vault where they drink, explore, and make out in a low-ceilinged hallway that made me feel claustrophobic just looking at it (plus, the dude on the other end of that tongue is Zak, so it's even worse).

Back at the hotel, confrontations are going down left and right.  James insists that he's just being realistic about life after Bach (IS there life after Bach?  Do you believe in life after love? Wasn't that Cher song DOPE? Do you enjoy questions?) and Brooks makes the valid point that when you're dating a girl, you rarely talk about how excited you are for the other girls you'll date after this one (truth).  Michael calls James toxic, evil, and sinister and Drew calls him a "piece of shit." I love it when dudes talk smack!

James and Desiree have a sweaty 1:1 and she's still torn about who to trust, but soon it's rose ceremony time and she has made her decision.

Drew and Zak already have roses, os they're all safe.  Chris Harrison informs us that THREE dudes will be getting the Heisman tonight (that feels like a LOT) and 3 will be getting roses.  Who scores a rose?

Chris (writing poetry pays off only on The Bachelorette, not as an actual career path)
Brooks (he made a good point about James' shitty behavior, so I'll give him a pass this week)
Michael (Chunky Swayze's passion for law is somehow appealing to Des!)

So who's hopping on the S.S. Get the F--k Outta Town to a dingy named "CYA Later!" then to the AirTran shuttle to Losertown, population 3?  Juan Pablo, Kasey, and James.  What do we think of that?

Juan Pablo: there was very little communication between Des & JP, it seemed. He was hot, though.
Kasey: he was annoying and non-hot from the very start. I'm stunned he made it this far (too harsh?)
James: his thick neck & broad shoulders were hot, but the fact that he was SO "eyes on the prize" and the prize wasn't Desiree was problematic.  I'm sure Mikey's waiting for you at Le Passage, buddy.

Where are Desiree and her 5 suitors headed now?  To an island off Portugal where tears are going to flow like we're in a waterproof mascara testing laboratory!  See you Monday!

Bachelorette Emily Recap: FINALE!

Last night was a 3 hour Bachelorette endurance test in the form of a 2 hour finale and a 1 hour "After the Final Rose" special.  Yes, if you made it through all 3 hours, you watched an episode of The Bachelorette that was longer than Oliver Stone's JFK. 

Let's cut to the chase on the results.  Unless you have been living under a rock, by now you probably know that Jef, the pompadour prince, won Emily's heart.  Yes, Jef, the hipster-lite trust fund kid who owns an "environmentally friendly" bottled water company (cause manufacturing pods of plastic is WICKED GREEN, buddy), whose parents couldn't be bothered to meet Emily, who rolled into episode 1 on a SKATEBOARD--HE is the dude who won.  I know.  How did it all go so wrong?  Let's start from the beginning of the episode.

Chris Harrison is in a studio in Los Angeles with a live audience and throughout the show they cut back to the studio, in an effort to fill out this unending Bachelorette extravaganza.  Chris sets the scene for us, and we're taken back to the tropical isles.  

Eeeerybody's still in Curacao but Emily's family has arrived to judge the suitors.  Her family includes her platinum blonde mother Suzy (awesome hair runs in the family!), her semi-stoic father David (I bet he has scared off some would-be boyfriends in his day), her super stoic brother Ernie (whose poker face would make me shit my pants, but let's get real, TONS of things make me shit my pants, including: my old boss when I was a paralegal, the deadly mix of chicken Caesar salad + margaritas, the horrible food at field hockey camp back in high school, and MANY more--just a little bit about ME and MY DIGESTIVE TRACK), and Ernie's fiancee Blondie (that's not her name, but girl brought a whole lotta NOTHING to the table except for a nice, golden blonde mane, so I shall name her by her best quality). 

First up to meet the family is Jef and he arrives carrying bouquets for Suzy and Blondie.  Nice work outta you.  He says that the "stakes are really huge" and I assume that he means "high," as generally stakes aren't discussed by size, but rather by how high or low they are.  Get the idiom right, Jef.  Jef chats with the family, then has some 1:1 talks with each member.  That's when Ernie busts out his poker face and gives Jef a whole lot of NOTHING in response to Jef's confessions of love for Emily.  It was a delight to watch.  Jef asks Emily's father for permission to propose to Emily and David gives it.

Next up is Arie and he arrives to meet the parents without any bouquets.  Jef's a tough act to follow, I must admit.  Instead of fresh flowers, Arie's gift for the parents is a wooden box filled with dead flowers!  It's the roses that Emily has given him during this journey and Arie mistakenly thinks that Emily's parents would want HIS rose boutonnieres.  Did this strike anyone else as a weird gift?  Arie admits that when he's nervous, he rambles, then we watch a few clips of him rambling on.  He manages to get smiles out of Emily's father and brother, which is quite an accomplishment.  Arie makes a good impression overall.

The next date is Emily's final 1:1 date (daytime and dinner) with Jef and presumably, the next day will be her final date with Arie.  Jef and Emily meet on the beach, where the sounds of waves crashing is BLARING as they discuss whether or not Jef should meet Emily's daughter Ricki. Emily is hesitant to introduce Jef, since she introduced Brad back in the day and that didn't work out.  She decides to make the introduction, though, and they head back to the pool where Ricki is swimming.  Emily, Jef, and Ricki swim and laugh together and Jef asks Ricki for a whole lotta high 5s.  Lucky for Jef, Ricki is young enough to find that cool, since her brain isn't developed enough to realize it's lame.  Kids!  That night, Emily and Jef have a final dinner date and he gives her a parting gift.  In most seasons of this show (I'm pathetic, I know), that gift will be a poem or long letter or scrapbook of their time together.  What was Jef's gift?  A book about Curacao that was straight out of the resort gift shop, plus he ruined every page by drawing them into the beautiful photos.  HOW THOUGHTFUL!

The next day is supposed to be Emily's date with Arie, but she calls Chris Harrison to her bungalow.  Chris Harrison sits down and asks Emily what's going on and Emily starts crying, saying that she knows Jef is the one and she doesn't want to lead Arie on by going through the date and dinner.  I give her a lot of credit--most Bachelorettes go all the way to the end when they force some poor cad to show up in a tux and THEN get negged.  Chris says that it's fine if she wants to meet Arie at the daytime date location and explain everything there.

So in an unprecedented move in Bachelor/Bachelorette history, the audience knows more than one of the participants.  It's painful to watch, but makes for great TV.  Poor Arie is going on and on about how they are JUST ABOUT to get engaged and he can't wait to be her husband, blah blah blah, while America is at home screaming at their TVs.

Arie arrives at the dump location--woops--I mean, date location and mixes up a love potion with the help of a local woman.  Obviously his love potion didn't work, since right after Arie mixed it up, he was dropped like a handful of salt onto the Curacao dirt (salt mining was the first profitable industry established on Curaçao--I DO MY RESEARCH).  Arie responds gracefully, all things considered.  He's silent for a while (while Emily cries), then he gets up to leave, saying that there's "nothing to say," and this upsets Emily.  But what does she want?  Sure, dumping a guy is no fun, but what other response do you expect?  He hugs her goodbye and hops in the car.   

The show then cuts back to the studio audience and everyone is extremely intense and emotional.  I guess I understand that, since a dude just got dumped, but we all know that this is reality TV, right?  It just felt a bit over-somber.  Then, The Bachelorette turns into The Olympics, with former contestants weighing in on the current situation.  5 people from past seasons (JP & Ashley, Deana, Michael Staglione, and another Ashley) all share their opinions as though they are sports commentators.  They all say the same: sucks to get dumped, Arie, but you'll get through it. THANKS FOR THE EXPERT ANALYSIS, GUYS!

Then we're back on Curacao and Jef is in the midst of SO much B roll!  A shot of Jef staring at the selected engagement ring, a shot of Jef walking on the beach in pants that are way too girly for him, a shot of Jef staring at crashing waves.  Finally, Emily is putting on a flowy-yet-edgy coral dress and getting ready for the big day.  Jef has no idea that Arie is gone, so he's putting on his suit and fretting a bit.



Emily is waiting for Jef and when he arrives, she wastes no time telling him that he's the one and that Arie was already sent home.  Jef responds with a robotic speech that ends with, "You're my everything" and I couldn't help but think of the 1990 song by Tommy Page (co-written by 2 dudes from New Kids On The Block--YEAH BOSTON!) called "I'll Be Your Everything."  Yes, the crap that rattles around in my brain is ridiculous.  Ricki runs up and the three of them walk off as a happy family.

As if things couldn't get ANY cheesier, the producers then give us a montage of their interactions from the season set to the sounds of Peter Cetera's "Glory of Love."  I AM NOT KIDDING.  My best friend Suzanne and I both suffered through WICKED cases of dumb chills while we watched this, and Velveeta poured from the speakers on my TV.  Perhaps it was a fitting song choice, since it was from Karate Kid II and this was Emily's SECOND time on TV looking for love.  Is that a stretch?  Yes.

Sweet Lord can you believe we're still in this recap!??!  After all that schmaltz, ABC cut straight into the "After the Final Rose" special where we saw Arie, Emily, and Jef live and in-studio.  Arie was less pasty and Frankenstein-looking and seemed to be moving on well.  There was a lot of talk about closure between Arie and Emily and I wanted to shout at Arie, "Dude--closure is a gift you give yourself.  Nobody else can give it to you!" but I'm not crazy enough to shout at my TV, so I didn't. (Note: that is a lie.)  Emily looked great, but her extensions were just a touch too long.  Jef looked good but still had the pompadour.  He's going to move to Charlotte and they are planning a wedding.  Not to be an idiot, but these 2 seem like they might not screw it up.  Time will tell.

Up next in the Bachelor franchise is Bachelor Pad, which kicks off tonight.  NO REST FOR THE WEARY.  Break out the Valtrex because a bunch of past Bachelor and Bachelorette rejects are all moving into the Bachelor mansion to hook up, cry, and drink.  I'll tune in every now and then, but I can't promise that I'll have recaps every single week.  I gotta have a life, sweet pussycats.

It was a pleasure to recap this season and I'll be back 100% for the next real Bachelor season, for sure.  In the meantime, I'll quote Ed McMahon's mantra from Star Search for no reason at all: Keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars.