Bachelor Nick V. Fantasy Suite Part 2, Women Tell All

On Monday night, Bachelor Nation slogged through 3 hours of Bach and barely made it out alive. There were tears, bold lipstick choices, and at least one orgasm.

We left off last week with Raven and Nick heading into the Fuck Hut--I mean, Fantasy Suite--where they could hump down while watching the Northern Lights. Finland really DOES have it all!  This episode kicked off the next morning, with Raven saying that "Nick is really good at what he does" (software sales? being a repeated romantic reject? licking genitals?) so "I'm pretty satisfied today," then she proceeded to skip around Lapland, giving high fives to passers by and making snow angels to celebrate her orgasm.  Hey, to each her own.  This reminded me of a hilarious scene from 500 Days of Summer:  

Up next is Rachel and she is looking cute in snowbird style--red flannel shirt, red hat, jacket, boots. She runs to Nick and gives him a big hug and straddle (the only way I will greet ANYONE from here on out), then they go cross country skiing (the worst "sport" in the world), feed reindeer, and cruise on a sled. As they sit by a fire and drink tea (or hot booze?) Rachel explains that she struggles with being open to this experience and her fear of rejection, and assures Nick that he's a rarity--a genuine good guy (or something) to which Nick jokes that "I may be white, but I'm still a minority" which cracked me up but seemed to piss off some people on Twitter.

That night Rachel rocks a belly top, winter weather be damned (girl after my own heart), plus a striped sweater and black pants. She and Nick have a great conversation about following your heart and letting yourself fall in love, which prompts Rachel to tell him that she's falling in love with him. Nick responds, "I'm falling for you 100%" which is weird to hear when you KNOW THAT HE SENDS HER HOME IN MERE DAYS.  They make out HARD then open the Fantasy Suite card in which Chris Harrison implores them to explore each other sexually and offers them an old school skeleton key.  They head upstairs (so skeleton key was just a prop?), hop on a bed, and, presumably, have a night of sweet, sweet lovemaking.

The next morning Rachel is ALL IN and feels very confident while looking cute as a button in her sleeper suit (or were those pajamas? same thing?).  Nick has gotta jet and body check another lady, so he says goodbye.

We see Vanessa roaming the woods in a Canada Goose jacket (so much controversy about those jackets lately!), boots, and a hat thinking about how her hometown date "didn't go as well as hoped" (that's a nice way to put it) and that it left her with questions ("can anyone ever handle my HUGE, very loud, very intense family?").  Nick found their hometown date to be "a little on the serious side" which is another great way of admitting that this isn't fun anymore and perhaps his relationship with Vanessa has run its course.  They dress up in American Gladiator style blue swimsuits and spend their date submerging themselves in a frigid ice bath outdoors (WHY?) then running back into the hut to flail around. I thought that how that type of thing worked was that you immerse yourself in cold water, then hot water, then cold water, and so on--am I wrong? When did it become: scamper to an ice bath and shriek then sprint back into a hut and curl up in a ball on a wooden bench? Is this a new thing?  Finally they end up together in the hot tub (where they SHOULD have spent the entire damn date) where they discuss family. Nick says hers is very "traditional" and has many "big personalities" but claims to like that or maybe no? I literally couldn't understand what his point was, while Vanessa admits that she has CORE VALUES that she won't compromise on (what those specific values ARE, I couldn't tell, beyond weekly Sunday lunch with her family) YET she also thinks that Nick needs to learn how to compromise.  Huh?  Yikes!  Any way you slice it, this didn't go well.

The "If We Were In the Real World We Would Just Stop Hanging Out at This Point" tour continues that evening over drinks by a fire, where Nick essentially sings the Star Spangled Banner to Canadienne Vanessa. I'm sorry, but if you can't even begin to have the conversation of where you might live, I don't think you're going to make it.  Nick wonders if they are perhaps too similar, which doesn't seem like the real issue here, but probably a good smoke screen for "I'm just not that into you."  Vanessa says that Nick makes her feel like "the only person in the world who exists" which is a strange thing to say to ANOTHER person, but whatever. Generally, their interaction feels like a contract negotiation and I can't tell if that bodes well for Raven ultimately, or if the producers are tricking us into seeing Vanessa and Nick as a nonstarter.

Actual picture of Vanessa (ironic that their 1st date was floating in zero gravity!)

They rip open the card from Chris Harrison encouraging them to test drive it before they buy it, head out to the Fantasy Suite, and get to business.  The next morning we see shots of them cuddling and Vanessa says "I love you" in a way that is VERY natural, considering that they each member of this couple probably refuses to move cities for the other.

Soon it's rose ceremony time and the ladies are ready and dressed in black.  Rachel's dress has a dramatic, beaded neckline and back straps; Vanessa is in a mermaid cut dress (my fave) and looks gorgeous, Raven wears a black cocktail dress with a keyhole cleavage cut-out and it shows a LOTTA boob.  Wow.

Nick arrives and gives a semi-weepy monologue then hands roses to Raven, then Vanessa.  So sweet Rachel is going home, as we expected to happen WEEKS ago.

Rachel and Nick both cry and have some great hugs and conversation about what happened and it's actually not THAT hard to watch, since we know she has better things coming her way next season.  To be completely honest and corny, seeing her crying as she left and then seeing her in Women Tell All looking gorgeous and gearing up for HER season gave me a lot of hope.  I may be trying to get over a certain guy right now and pained by thoughts of him, but in a few months I'll be in my own metaphorical one shoulder dress feeling confident, looking great, and having a studio audience applaud me.

The Women Tell All was a 2 hour episode that really could have been a little over 30 minutes, if I had my druthers.  We watched Chris and Nick "surprise" Bachelor viewing parties all over southern California then headed back into the studio to see 19 rejects one last time.  Who was there?

-Jaimie - cute pink dress but later in the show her cleavage was background when Kristina was talking and it was a lil awkward.
-Liz - aka The Girl Who Humped Nick Pre-Show, But Also Digs Wells for Poors. I loved her red dress and red lip--great look, even if her strange pro-sex speech was pretty corny.
-Elizabeth - LITERALLY WHO?? She's very pretty (maybe overdid it a lil bit on the under-eye concealer, though) and I LOVE her bold, fuscia lip but everything she said just made me feel like I was listening to The Who's hit song "WHO ARE YOU"???
-Josephine - I had forgotten what a sorta sad wanna-be sidekick she was to Corinne, but she reminded Bachelor Nation. I LOVE the dark lip trend, but when you combine black lips and white-ish hair AND a mustard colored crushed velvet dress, you are playing with FIRE. No thank you.

If I knew how to make a gif, you could see that Josephine was rolling her eyes here.
Can we agree that the whiteish hair/black lip combo is just TOO intense??? 

-Lacey - NYC gal who didn't leave much of an impression, but seemed to want to do SOMETHING in this episode. Now her hair is light brown, which was meh. Also her dress was a snooze and a half in an unflattering color.  I'm sorry.
-Christen - LOVED that red dress with cool neckline, her question to Nick was sweet.
-Alexis - Dolphin Girl bein' Dolphin Girl with NJ state issued hoops and a plain black top.
-Dominique - sparkly top--I like it, but also she seems confused as to how love works. You like what you like, ya know?
-Astrid - in a cute fuscia dress but her hair/personality made me take a quick nap.
-Hailey - white separates, looking good, chiming in a LOT, whatever.
-Taylor - STILL has yet to figure out how to pull together a flattering look for herself.  During the episode Taylor begged Corinne to apologize for, essentially, making her look bad/unprofessional, but I'm sorry girl--you did that to yourself.  Her montage was PAINFUL to watch--wow.
-Sarah Smiley - cute, patterned romper thing with lace up neckline. Super cute.
-Jasmine G. - loved that bold pink dress, eye make-up was a lil heavy.
-Danielle L. - black patterned dress wasn't the most flattering and she seemed STILL UPSET over Nick. Wow. May I recommend "Start Where You Are" by Pema Chodron? For real.
-Corinne - holy clip in hair extensions, Batman! She looks good and during her time in the hot seat, she actually came off really well then handed out cheesy pasta. Way to stick the landing, girl.
-Whitney - aka Astrid in a black dress. Chimed in with some gems a few times.
-Danielle M. - she has gone from a golden blonde to an ashy blonde and I LIKE it. She wore a bold, white romper thing with low cut chest and I admire her strong choice in outfit.
-Kristina - looking beautiful in a red dress with high neck.

They joke around, discuss whether Corinne was the unfriendly know-it-all in the house or Taylor was (my money is on Taylor), and Liz strategically tries to make her one night stand with Nick pre-season into a feminist issue of slut shaming (which it wasn't--I think some girls were weirded out by that situation only because it seemed to give Liz a leg up--pun intended--from the start).  They form a pro-napping political party, there is SO MUCH EYE ROLLING, they all agree that they were all hyperventilating and having anxiety attacks ALL the time in the house (mmmK--I have a feeling none of you know what those things are), and Kristina helps make everyone else seem petty by talking about orphan life as a stepping stone to possible sexual slavery.

Nick comes out and sort of apologizes to a few of the women for simply not having chemistry with them (that's always the weirdest part to me) then Rachel comes out and talks about her excitement about being the first black bachelorette in franchise history.  She put it so well--she doesn't want that fact to be the FOCUS of her season, but she does want to acknowledge it.  Perfect.  I cannot WAIT for her season.

But first, we gotta see who wins Nick's heart for the next 6-8 weeks: Raven (fun, young, American) or Vanessa (seemingly not quite as fun anymore, adult, established, Canadian).  If history serves, Nick will pick fun over adult and besides, it's probably easier for Nick to break up with Raven during Dancing With the Stars than it would be to dump Vanessa.  Am I being too cynical?  Stay tuned!

Also, listen to the latest episode of The Fantasy Suite where Dava Krause and I dish on this episode and last.  All that here (ep 8): https://soundcloud.com/thefantasysuite

Bachelor Ben H. Ep 10: The Women Tell All

Monday night Chris Harrison wore many hats: cheerleading squad for Jubilee and Lace, mediator in a few tense conversations, and shameless journalist who is itching for an ugly cry. It was the episode that promises closure, but in reality probably opens up a world of hurt feelings and unresolved issues: THE WOMEN TELL ALL.

The episode kicked off with clips of Bachelor Ben and Bachelor Nation President Chris crashing Bachelor viewing parties and these fans are the real thing.  There were #hometown onesies, fantasy league scoreboards, decorated cakes, grandmothers, and—of course—roses.  Chris Harrison was feeling the love, saying that the fans are “like fuel” and they “blow up your world.”  Wait, is that what Lace’s tattoo says? I can’t quite remember.

Actual photo of Bachelor fans 

Then it’s time for the good part: when a dozen relevant cast-offs get DONE UP and look better than they have ever looked because they know this is their last moment in the limelight. Though a few of the ladies’ ideas of “super dolled up” weren’t so appealing to me and yes, I’m talking to you, Olivia. Who was there?

-Lace: Oh sweet, simple, inspirational tattooed Lace. She has some good highlights and a cute, white dress.

-Tiara: The girl who brought the chicken. You’re tiresome and you haven’t even said 3 words, but I like your big hair and white separates.

-Amber: Looking good, though I still think she’s bad news after she went after Jubilee. She’s rocking a bold lip, bright eye make-up and cleavage out.

-Jami: Her twin (not really, but kinda) in a yellow dress, tits out.

-Izzy: Who? Who cares.

-Rachel: Who? Is there an own here or just an assortment of blah brunettes who failed to make any sort of impression?

-Jubilee: Looking good in a blush, flowing gown and red lip.

-Shushanna: The Russian whose curls and highlights are absolute perfection.

-Lauren H.: Sure, she has good hair (still), but she also has a grating accent a mild case of racism/classism methinks.

-Olivia: WHO IS YOUR STYLIST? She’s rocking flat, blah hair with an odd bend in it, raccoon eyes, a bare lip (NO NO NO), and a bland white jumper. No thank you!

-Leah: DO YOU HAVE THE SAME STYLIST? Ladies, your shared stylist is trying to ruin you both! Leah is rocking a brown lip (I loved Melrose Place, too, girl, but come on), maybe lip injections on the top lip (anyone?), and a blah tan dress.

-Becca: She may have half shut eyes that remind me of Janice from the Muppet Band, but we share a love of sparkles and the color gunmetal, so I love her.

-Haley and Emily: The Vegas twins looks like Vegas twins.

-Amanda: Mama is looking good in a red, lace dress despite her cold.

-Caila: She has looked better and I wish she’d worn a brighter lip, but her black jumper is cute.

They kick things off with a montage of all the terrible things that they did and that were said about them as if to say, “Ladies, are you going to let her disrespect you like that?” and get the talons out.

Hi, I'm another pretty but forgettable brunette. Don't you remember me? 

Leah defends her bizarre anti-Lauren move saying that she heard that Lauren said a comment that the girls were “losers” for being upset about something or other (really detailed, reliable story there, Leah—I totally believe that that happened) and then insist that she didn’t “intentionally lie, though” despite the fact that there’s a videotape of her intentionally lying (though). 

The conversation is repeatedly disrupted by that stupid chicken, which some people found funny and odd, but I just found hella tiresome.  Then again, I’m a disgruntled old man who wants everyone to get off my lawn trapped in the body of a smoking hot fox, so I find everything tiresome. 

Jubilee (who is black, or as she says “full black”) has a tense stand off with Amber and Jami (who are both biracial) when they say that her repeated comments about being “real black” and “full black” were offensive to them and Shushanna backs them up by saying she heard it, too. The conversation continues after the break with Jubilee sitting down with Chris Harrison (after Leah chimes in to “get over it” and GIRL I wish you’d just shut up—I used to support you before you turned into a nightmare).

Jubilee and Chris have a touching conversation (and I mean that truly) about her heartbreaking family history and the trauma she has endured.  She says that she’s complicated and that she overthinks things to the point of self destruction and it certainly seems that she does, but hey Jubes, just as they say in GI Joe (which is a poor imitation of actual military people like you), knowing is half the battle.  I nearly got choked up when Chris Harrison ended her segment saying, “you might be complicated, but I hope you realize you’re a pretty special woman.” Oh Chris, may you lead Bachelor Nation until the end of time!

Lace hops in the hot seat and says that she’s working on herself more, trying to avoid the word “crazy,” and listen to people.  Good calls all around. As she’s talking, a random guy (seemingly from the crew) interrupts Lace in a moment straight out of an unrealistic romantic comedy that we were all force fed during our adolescence and gave us completely unrealistic expectations of what dating and romance would be like as adults and shouts that that she’s crazy… crazy beautiful, then he pulls up his shirt to reveal a tattoo of her face on his torso. 

Check that Lace tat!

It’s during this crucial juncture that Chris Harrison informs Bachelor Nation that this summer, Bachelor In Paradise will be back!  Huzzah! Apparently Lace will be the token kookoo bird and I just pray that sweetheart bartender comes back!

Olivia and her unflattering hairdo get in the hot seat and says that the show was hard to watch because she didn’t realize quite how much everyone hated her and she felt that no one quite “got” her.  Olivia claims that she “owns up” to the thinks she did wrong and that “we all did things we regret” which makes a bunch of the ladies laugh out loud.

ASIDE: I hate it when people say stuff like that—comments that assume that, hey, everyone is an unadulterated, selfish, horrifying sociopath at certain points, right? NO. Not everyone is. I remember back during my college sorority days, some girls would hook up with another girl’s ex-BF or current crush and say, “hey, we all do it—our sorority is so big—it’s just bound to happen.” No it’s not. YOU CHOOSE YOUR CHOICES. I somehow NEVER hooked up with a friend’s crush or ex-BF, so we don’t just ALL DO IT, OK? And same with Olivia—I doubt that many of the other women (save for Lace and Jubilee, maybe) did or said things they regret.  Most of the women there conducted themselves well and didn’t bring shame upon their families, so don’t generalize to serve your own ego.

ANYHOoOoooooooooo

Olivia apologizes to Amanda for calling her “Teen Mom” and saying that men should run away from single mothers (yikes) then previously boring Jennifer says that Olivia acted like the women in the house were airheads, but if she had gotten to know them or asked them questions she would have learned that they also like to “talk smart things.”  Olivia’s closing Hail Mary pass is that she was severely bullied as a child and that the house dynamics brought her back to those sad times and made it hard for her to socialize. I have a lot of sympathy for that, truly, but I’m not sure if I believe her.  Random drop-in Izzy makes a cogent point, saying that if Olivia HAS been through “the bullying thing” (there are better ways to phrase that, girl), then you should have learned and perhaps had more sympathy for her bunkmates. 

Olivia says that she doesn’t look at social media anymore because it’s so hurtful and prompts a really interesting conversation that breaks the fourth wall of “reality TV.” She apologies profusely, says that there’s no way of knowing how to do this, and she didn’t do it right but she learned. Way to go, girl.  Now if I may make a recommendation: big hair is much more flatting on you, Olivia. Go now in peace.

Then Caila gets to watch herself get dumped in front of a studio audience while wearing a very plain lipcolor.  She watches clips of Ben calling her a “sex panther” (and members of the studio audience are wearing homemade “SEX PANTHER” shirts) and them sitting on that bench in her hometown (that you KNOW will come up in her season as The Bachelorette—oh yes, did you hear the news? I’m NOT excited, but I will probably watch because this is an addiction and I surrender control).  She’s still blue over the breakup but after watching Ben and Jojo and Ben and Lauren, she sees how he looks at them and she wants THAT (which is a perfect sound bite to launch her journey to find love as The Bachelorette, aint it?).

Finally, Ben comes out and speaks with a few of the ladies to answer their questions and give them “closure,” but a few of those conversations seemed like that bad move you make when you and your ex agree to meet for drinks a few months after the breakup “for closure” or “to catch up” but you both know damn well it’s just so that you can look good in front of him and be like, “LIFE IS GOOD! Everthing’s coming up roses! But maybe we should make out in the coat room—wouldn’t that be funny and fun? Just for old time’s sake? What, no? You don’t want to do that? OK that’s fine. I’m doing great, so I don’t need your validation at all—am I drunk? No I’m not DRUNK, Jared. I’m FINE. I just wanted to meet up with you and catch up because I care about you, but I’m completely MOVING ON—can’t you tell by these new heels I’m wearing and this slimming dress that’s sort of similar to your favorite dress of mine but even TIGHTER? Hahah! I’m great!  All is well! WHY DID YOU FUCKING DUMP ME?”

ABC serves up some delicious Bachelor bloopers, Chris Harrison says that Ben belongs on the Mount Rushmore of Bachelor Nation history, and we watch a finale sneak peak in which Ben’s mom says that she’s “disturbed” that he’s in love with two women.

Next Monday is the 3 hour live event and I’m placing my bets now: Ben will propose to Lauren and Jojo’s brothers will be out for blood. What do you think? Who's going home broken hearted?

ALSO, if you want to hear me and my wonderful neighbor/fellow comedian Dava Krauss chat about this episode (and every episode) subscribe to our podcast, The Fantasty Suite here.

Bachelor Chris Recap: Finale & After The Final Rose

The twitterverse was buzzing during The Bachelor on Monday night (and I hate myself for writing that sentence) and the verdict was this: That finale was SNOOZEFEST 2K15.  Chris Harrison promised us a surprise and most viewers found the episode pretty predictable, but I contend that something surprising DID happen.

In The Bachelor and The Bachelorette when the protagonist is down to the final two, the options are almost always:

• The potential mate who is a "safe bet"--someone nurturing, thoughtful, playful, and a strong long-term option for marriage. This person is good looking (I mean, this is TV, after all), but not quite as good looking as...
• The potential mate who is a "wild card"--there's chemistry there that can't be explained. This person might be a bit unpredictable, very sexy, not exactly Mr./Ms. Congentiality within the house. This person is better looking than the Bachelor or Bachelorette every time. 

Usually, given these two options, the Bachelor or Bachelorette picks the sexy wild card.  We've seen it with 

• Andi picking Armpit Tats Josh over playful nerd Nick 
• Bachelor Bob picking knockout Estella over sweetheart Kelly Jo 
• Pilot Jake picking most hated Vienna over simpleton Tenley 
• Ben Flajnik picking legendary mean girl Courtney ("winning") over wholesome, family gal (who loved tan lipstick) Lindzi
• Jillian selecting the pompous Ed Swiderski (who friggin' walked out on her during the season only to return and have the upper hand) over "aww shucks" hottie Kiptyn 
• Ali Fedotowsky choosing bad boy (who Bachelor Nation KNEW was our of her league) Roberto over the other jag

A few wise Bachelors and Bachelorettes select the more steady option, but it's the exception and not the rule.  (And yeah, can I get a Master's Degree in this stuff because I know I could handle the course work?)

But wait, what happened in the 3 hour extravaganza last night, Selena? Becca and Whitney met Chris's large family during a frigid day in Iowa--not what we normally see when everybody goes to paradise and sweats through "meet the parents."  

Whitney gets first crack at the family and she knocks it out of the park with her manners, sense of appreciation, and sweet candor.  I feel bad that I used to be so anti-Whitney because she is truly a dream daughter-in-law and you can tell that Chris's parents think so.  She drops a few more "we made  a baby" jokes (UNCLE! Please make it stop!) but wins over America's heart with her tear jerker toast about how much she loves Chris.  

After she leaves, Chris's sisters rave about Whitney and inquire about what Becca has to offer.  Chris can't quite articulate what he likes about Becca, saying, "she has qualities that are different... and pretty cool." Umm... ya mean the "quality" that she's a virgin? The men folk gather in the garage to drink beers and talk about chicks  Brother-in-law Jason calls it like it is, saying that Whitney is "all in" and the reason that Chris inexplicably holds a candle for Becca is solely because she's hard to get.  Jason, can you please be my therapist and tell me why the rest of the world's deal-breakers are my aphrodisiacs?

The next day the Soules family is a bit suspicious of Becca, but she manages to charm them with jokes and funny stories of her "journey" with Chris.  That good first impression wears off when she sits down for a talk with Chris's three sisters, though.  Becca spews out a whole lot of conditional phrases about "if I fall in love with Chris" and "if Chris is the one for me" and what MIGHT happen IF that or that plays out.  The sisters are not pleased and say that "we've seen a California girl not come to Iowa before."  (Truth be told, the girl they are talking about--Ombre DA Andi--is really an Atlanta girl who didn't want to move to Iowa and chose a smug former baseball player who can't let go of his pro sports glory days, but potato potato.)  Chris's wonderful mother convinces Becca that she IS in love with Chris and the things that she's feeling ARE love, but Becca's a bit too immature to process all of it. Again, Jason says what Bachelor Nation is thinking: the family can weigh in all they want, but this isn't a math problem to be solved analytically--this is about love and chemistry.  Seriously Jason, can we have a beer sometime?  I'll bring a bulleted list of topics and you just call 'em like you see 'em, OK?  Chris's wonderful father weighs in, saying that Whitney is "the sure thing" (ouch--nobody wants to be called a sure thing, am I right?) and he thinks that Chris will take the risky path.

Becca and Chris have a final date (that feels more like a booty call minus the booty) during which they address some tough questions that they probably should have talked about long ago: why do you think you aren't in love with me yet? What issues are holding you back? They get some concrete answers but Becca continues insisting that there are "supposed to be" steps of some sort and she doesn't know what she's doing.  I think she has watched too many Rom Coms (and Cinderella a few too many times) because I have a lot of dating experience and I'm not quite sure what she's talking about.  Steps?  Every relationship is unique.  Some happen quickly (like my parents' 2 months of dating and then engagement and enduring marriage) and others unfold slowly or in unexpected ways with people who you didn't think you'd end up with.  There aren't official steps, really.  Chris leaves Becca's room and says that it's a "weird situation" and gives us some tears.  Bachelor Nation is fueled by tears!  FEED THIS BEAST!

Feed me your tears, Prince Farming!!!! 

Whitney and Chris have a final date and it's more of a date-date than Becca got, which might tip the hand somewhat.  They hop in a tractor and do some harvesting then cruise in his lifted Chevy truck (NIIIIIICE) to his bachelor pad where they have drinks by the fire.  After daytime drinks it's time for evening drinks at Whitney's hotel where she very wisely tells Chris that no matter what happens, she has put everything on the table and she's at peace but also scared.

The next day is the big day and Chris picks out a ring for his chosen one.  The ladies get done up and don their elegant winter dresses (a tough look to pull off).  Finally it's go time and Chris is in his family barn (overloaded with chandeliers) waiting for the gals to arrive.  We get a glimpse of each one in her limo: Whitney in a black dress with a fun neckline and an updo; Becca with her hair down and a red gown made of crushed velvet.  Everybody knows that limo #1 is the person who is getting sent home and whose high heel do we see emerging from that first car: Becca's.

She walks up the stairs of the barn to a landing that strangely resembles a church because of all the stained glass, then she and Chris talk through the most amicable break-up in Bachelor history.  There's whispering, they can both see their breath, and "you're going to make someone very happy one day" is repeated ad nauseam.  He bids her adieu and during her drive away, Becca sheds no tears and says that "it doesn't feel good at all"and I can't decide if this girl is simply too young to understand what is going on or just completely unemotional.  Both?  Either way, she should probably gain a little experience (go on some dates, give an HJ) before she ever goes on a TV show whose solitary purpose is "to find a soulmate."

Up next is Whitney and HOLY COW she is going to be happy.  Once they are in position (and Whitney is done flapping like a fish on a dock), she launches in on a sweet speech about how much she loves him.  Chris follows with a monologue about the time they crashed a stranger's wedding (I had forgotten about that--SO BAD!) and then says that she's perfect for him.  They are a fantastic match in how earnest and sorta corny they are and I'm excited for them.  Chris gets down on one knee, opens up the ring box (MONEY SHOT) and her response to the question is "Absolutely."  After that they kiss and sit in the window of the barn looking out on their now shared kingdom (err--farm).

So yeah, not a drama-filled final episode at all.  And Chris wisely picked the reasonable, adult, would-probably-work-in-real-life option of Whitney (not the wild card passion pick).  Nicely done, Chris!  THAT is a surprising turn of events to me!

In the "After the Final Rose" portion (hour 3) Becca came back (in a fantastic pink dress) to continue on her tour of Zero Emotions and Naivete.  She says that she "loves easily" yet has never been in love (huh?) and continues to claim that she is  unsure if she was in love with Chris because she has nothing to compare it to, but girl, you never do.  Sure, the truncated timeline of The Bachelor is unique, but falling for someone doesn't have a roadmap. I know that I sound like I've been drinking the Bachelor Kool Aid, but I just can't get my mind around what Becca expects.  There's a first time for everything and sometimes even if you've never experienced that thing, you know it's the thing.  I remember when I was 18 and on a date with a lovely alum from my college and during every moment with him I felt like my soul was singing and I never stopped to be like, "Wait... is this it?" I just knew it was a great feeling!

Whitney and Chris come out and Whitney makes some charmingly self-effacing jokes, Chris says that he likes Whitney because she reminds him of her sisters (huh?), and Whitney says that Britt's beautiful.  Then Jimmy Kimmel comes out with a cow named Juan Pablo.  And just when you think that things can't get weirder, Chris Harrison flirts with Ashley "Crazy Train" S. and finally the next Bachelorettes are revealed to be Kaitlyn AND Britt.  Yes, two of them.  The Bachelor has always felt like a show about polygamy, but this time it's for real.

It has been wonderful to spend this season with you, dear readers.  I'll be back next season to see who can better rock a fuscia lip--Canadian Kaitlyn or Poor Man's Ariana Grande Britt.  In the meantime, I'll be posting here on occasion, performing standup and storytelling all over, and you can already read my book or listen to me reciting my own book anytime you like! xoxo

Bachelor Chris Recap: The Women Tell All (And Rock Bold Lips)

Monday night was one of the favorite nights of every season of The Bachelor: The Women Tell All.  This episode brings back almost all of the jilted ladies (save for a few forgettable gals who didn't make it past night one and the final two ladies who are living in a bunker somewhere until they can pretend to be engaged for 4-6 weeks, then call it off and go on to a career as a "TV personality") and without fail every woman shows up looking FRESH TO DEATH, as DJ Pauly D would say (go Rhode Island!).  The ladies are always dressed to the nines and rocking fresh highlights and/or extensions (I'm looking at you, Carly) and perfect make-up.  It's like how much you primp and prep when you know that you'll be running into your ex at a cocktail party TIMES INFINITY! #IHateMath.

On Monday night, the gang was all there...

Nikki – the former NFL cheerleader with dark hair who often looked surprised 

Trina – white girl with blonde hair looking great in yellow, which I find surprising (I'm an anti-blonde-white-women-in-yellow-dresses activist, usually) 

Jeulia – rad gal whose ex husband killed self and has a tyke at home 

Tara – drunk fly fishing enthusiast

Amber – looked so good I almost didn't recall who she was

Megan – the blonde gal who is NOT the brightest, but is rocking a great dark lip

Samantha – silent brunette

Jordan – other blonde drunk (who tried to plead her way back on by showing up to a cocktail party unannounced--what are you, ME?) 

Ashley S. – crazy train blondie 

Jillian – intense brunette who was pretty annoying, but she's rocking some rad earrings

Kelsey – Black Widow is rocking a bob even more unflattering than her previous haircut (quite an achievement)

Britt – bold lip as always, gold dress that looks very Forever 21

Mackenzie – young mom who loves aliens and might want to get some curl separator cream 

Ashley I. – female Bobby Bottleservice is sporting a flesh toned dress (my nightmare), plus tan lips (ugh), but her dark hair sorta balances it out. 

Jade – sporting a fiery red dress though she might be in the midst of a breakout 

Carly – resembles a disco dream in her sparkly dress, cool blonde hair color & bold eyes

Kaitlyn – she has completely grown on me and her white separates are sheer perfection 

We watch a montage of the good times and the bad times and before you know it, Britt has manipulated her way into the hot seat next to Chris Harrison.  Britt calls out her "former friend" Carly (what is this, 7th grade summer camp?) and asks why Carly pretended to be her friend.  Carly shoots straight and says that she tried to avoid drama in the house (read: this is a weird situation and we're all stuck together, so may as well go along to get along but crack wise in the interview room). Britt blames Carly for the fact that she was sent home and that dumb logic reminds me of when a high school girl's boyfriend would cheat on her with another girls and the jilted GF would inevitably go after the other woman.  

Haters gonna hate, but I have cool blonde hair now

Guess what, kid? That girl doesn't owe you anything.  YOUR BOYFRIEND is the one who did you wrong, here.  It was pretty delicious when Chris came out later to say that no, Carly didn't tell him what to do, HE didn't think that his relationship with Britt was progressing.  EAT IT, LA!  Britt says, in so many words, that Carly is jealous of her and I finally figure out what I find so repugnant about Britt: she treats Carly like a little, tagalong sister who isn't ALSO there vying for love.  She's a narcissist who plays a naif for attention and sympathy.  Blech.  Carly says that Britt is two faced and a good actress and I agree. Also, Britt clarifies that she WOULD be open to living in Arlington, Iowa as long as they wouldn't be living in the abandoned bank.

Up next is Black Widow Kelsey who Chris Harrison promptly asks, "why do you think that the women disliked you so much?"  Her response is so tone deaf and pitch perfect that I would think it was pulled from a Christopher Guest film if I hand't watched her say it: I've heard that I'm condescending and I use big words.  She throws out therapy soundbites like "honor my story" and "immeasurably blessed" but the best part happens when Chris Harrison asks Kelsey if she feels like she's better than these women and she responds, "how do you evaluate humanity?" Thanks for playing, Nietzsche!  Kelsey and Ashley I. get into it, Kelsey says something about how Ashley owes her an apology, and Ashley drops the greatest "gimme a friggin' break" facial expression of all time. 

Ashely S. (blonde crazy train) gets in the hot seat and semi-coherently says that she acted like such a space cadet all season because she was bored and she likes to be silly (OK, you rule, girl).  Chris Harrison begs her to do Bachelor In Paradise and her classic response to that request is, "It's so weird... that we're on TV." 

Jade gets some time with Chris Harrison during which she wonders if perhaps Prince Farming was lying when he said that her Playboy photos weren't a big deal. My heart goes out to her--people love to theorize about why a person would pose for photos like that and assume that these people are broken or defective somehow, but they aren't.  Jade has a great family, she's extremely close with her father--I admire her chutzpah.  To top it off, she says a line that I recite on the daily: shoot me straight.  Just tell me the truth.  

Up next is Kaitlyn who is looking gorgeous in white separates (a bold choice), modern heels (did you see them?), and a fuscia lip.  She says that she thinks about what happened every day (she made it to the top 3) and she's still confused by it all.  Kaitlyn is wonderfully candid and well-spoken, but after a few minutes her Canadian accent kept reminding me of Wheels Ontario.

Finally, Chris comes out and again, Britt spits out some crocodile tears in order to get time in the hot seat.  Does she somehow forget that Chris sent her home because he didn't like her attitude?  Chris says that Carly's warnings had nothing to do with it and that he didn't think they were moving forward. Britt somehow manipulates the conversation and ends up granting him good luck with his future and acting as though SHE is releasing HIM.  What just happened?  Kaitlyn calmly confronts him and Chris refers to the process as "like throwing darts at a dart  board in the dark" which is probably the most honest characterization of The Bachelor that I have ever heard.  Jade and Chris have a heartfelt conversation about his use of the word "disturbing" to describe his surprise at hearing Jade characterized as a "wild mustang" by her brother, then admits that it was a poor choice of words.  They hug and all is well.  

But before it's over, Chris Harrison has got to plug HIS NEW BOOK!  Trust me, as an author, I know how crucial it is to jump on any and every opportunity to whore out your book.  And with that, I encourage all of you to buy The New Rules for Blondes because mama needs a new pair of shoes!

Next week is the 3 hour finale and instead of each gal meeting The Bachelor's family in paradise, everything will be going down in Arlington, Iowa during the winter.  It's the bleakest midwintery-est Bachelor finale YET!