Bachelorette Kaitlyn Ep 6: I Quit Team Ian

Hi Lovebugs!

As of this morning, I'm doing super quick, fun recaps of The Bachelorette for AOL Rise.  Check out my first ep here!

I'll still be getting into the nitty gritty here on my blog and lawdy lawdy were there some gritty moments in last night's episode! Tantrums! Adolescent crooners! Fireworks!

We resumed in New York City with Nick (2nd runner up on Ombre DA Andi's season) joining the guys in their hotel suite.  They were NOT welcoming and Joshua and Tanner were especially harsh to Nick.  Joshua grills Nick by asking "is she a cool chick or an amazing woman to you?" which is sweet, I guess, but pretty unnecessary.  Nick explains that he and Kaitlyn connected on social media and then texted and talked on the phone (which is more than Kaitlyn lead us to believe) but I'm SURE there was more going on.  Nick is a weasel, but I'll admit that he handled himself well in the face of 14 angry guys.

They suit up and head to Citi Field where the Mets regularly lose and a some of these suitors are going to lose, too.  Kaitlyn rocks a sparkly dress, black tights, and boots (great look) and JJ wisely leads her down to the field to run the bases.  I still hate JJ and his pink socks made me groan, but that was a pretty good move.  Most of the other guys waste their 1:1 time with Kaitlyn by talking about Nick and I want to tell them to keep their eyes on their own paper!  As I learned when an old crush started dating a girl who was legendary for having NO PERSONALITY, you can't always make sense of these things. Stop trying to figure it out and just keep on living.  (Yes, I sound like a female Matthew McConaughey with my JKLiving mantra, but seriously, do it.)

Soon it's time for a rose ceremony and freezing temperatures be damned, they're doing it on the baseball diamond.  A few guys already have roses--Jared (RI restaurant manager who is all about Kaitlyn), Cupcake (total dweeb), and Justin (who earned a rose mostly for saying that he was fine with Nick joining the show), so who else get a rose through chattered teeth?
Ben H. - highly forgettable
Ben Z. - beefcake dreamboat
Shawn - looks more like a male Robyn with each day
Tanner - only here to provide comic relief
Joe - squished face
Ian - the man I loved until the end of the episode when I quit Team Ian
JJ - nice pink socks, former Investment Banker
Joshua - welder who is way too curious about Nick
Nick - the final rose for the new guy!
So Jonathan (Miami Vice Color Me Badd), Corey (hot Rick Perry) and glasses Ryan are heading home and there are no surprises there.  None were contenders.  We learned an important lesson at Citi Field--it's impossible to look sexy when you are freezing.

The party train rolls on to San Antonio, TX where Tanner and Joshua continue to doubt Nick's motives and joke that this "isn't his first rodeo" (that joke works on many levels!).

Ben H. scores the first one-on-one and the date is a ride in a gorgeous, vintage truck to the oldest dance hall in America, a two-step lesson, a two-step contest, then dinner.  They lose the dance contest (of course) but have a great opportunity to make corny comments about how dancing is like a relationship, and aren't those sound bites what the show is truly about?  That night over dinner, Kaitlyn seems to think that Ben H. revealed more of himself to her, but all I got was that he had a long distance relationship before this one and apparently she said that he lost "the chase" but I'm not sure what he meant. Somehow, he impressed Kaitlyn and was given a rose then said that he's excited "for more time with Kaitlyn" but I'm pretty sure he meant to say "for more time on vacation."

The next day is a group date and the crew is Justin, Jared, Ian, Chris, Tanner, Joe, JJ, Ben Z, Joshua, and Nick.  Kaitlyn rocks a perfect denim shirt dress (who doesn't love a shirt dress?) and they are serenaded by a fantastic mariachi band lead by a 12 year old heartbreaker.  The guys break off and write their own mariachi songs, then serenade Kaitlyn in public.  JJ plays his own guitar and sucks, Joe goes in for a kiss (smart move), and Ian take the whole thing much too seriously and then chokes.  Ouch. Nick leads Kaitlyn up to a balcony to serenade her from a better spot, sings about his erection, and leads everyone to admit that he was the best performance of the day.  

At the cocktail party that night, Joshua decides to ask Kaitlyn to give him a hair cut (because when I go on a date with an accountant I'm always like, "I brought this sack of receipts--would you mind organizing my books before our entrees arrive?") and she manages to give him half a mohawk before the buzzer cuts out.  He looks awful and is consumed by his hatred for Nick.  You know you're a psychopath when friggin' JJ describes you as a "ticking bomb."  During his alone time with Kaitlyn, Nick says that she has a great group of guy and it seems like things have calmed down among the dudes.  Joshua squeezes in more 1:1 time with Kaitlyn during which he says that ALL of the guys hate Nick, to which Kaitlyn responds, "so everyone is lying to my face?"  I'm sure this is NOT how Joshua was hoping this conversation would go.  It only gets worse from there when Joshua returns to the guys and blatantly lies to them (saying he was in an interview, not with Kaitlyn) then Kaitlyn confronts the entire group and no one speaks up when she asks if everyone has been lying got her and if they all hate Nick (how damn awkward for Nick?).  No one says boo and Joshua feels like an IDIOT and accuses everyone else of lying.  I must again give JJ props for the best sound bite of the night: "the only liar in the room is the one accusing us all of being liars." But Joshua is not the biggest idiot of the episode, surprisingly.  Nick gets a rose and the seating arrangement is positively poetic. 

See that guy looking forlorn in the background as Nick gets his rose?
That's Joshua who dug his own grave moments earlier.

The next day Shawn (some say Ryan Gosling look-alike, I say that's very generous) and Kaitlyn go kayaking, have a picnic, and in Shawn's unmistakeable monotone he tells her that he's "happy to be here" and then, apropos of nothing, launches in on a story about hating seat belts but wearing one this one time and THAT one time was when he got in a car accident.  I'm sure it's true, didn't it sounds like an urban legend?  He walked away from that car accident A OK, but somehow this is what he trots out to give himself depth.  Whatevs, bro.  He scores a rose. 

Meanwhile, back at home my favorite hottie Ian is falling apart and I promptly revoked my membership to Team Ian.  Ian says that he should be The Bachelor, that Kaitlyn doesn't understand who he is and "who I am is a gift you unwrap for life" (has someone been reading self help books? And how many layers of wrapping paper are on you?), and makes the below-the-belt comment that Kaitlyn isn't "half as hot as my ex-girlfriend."  And that matters HOW? The girl who you think isn't half as hot as your ex-GF is making YOU feel insecure, so deal with it, Princeton. 

At the cocktail party Kaitlyn is in a stunning purple dress and silver heels and Ian is chomping at the bit to "leave it all on the table" when he says that he came here hoping to meet "the girl who had her heart broken, not the girl who wanted to get her field plowed" (you're describing the same girl! She CAN be both! And why would you WANT to meet a girl who is heartsick over another guy? Do you like wounded women? Blech).  Kaitlyn sits in silence as Ian embarrasses himself in front of America and refers to the other guys as "lames" (spoken like a true Soc, bro) and ABC leaves us wanting more with the 'ole "To Be Continued" screen.  Wow.  

Was anyone else stunned by the revelation that Ian's a complete dick? I did NOT see that one coming! 

Bachelor Chris Recap: Finale & After The Final Rose

The twitterverse was buzzing during The Bachelor on Monday night (and I hate myself for writing that sentence) and the verdict was this: That finale was SNOOZEFEST 2K15.  Chris Harrison promised us a surprise and most viewers found the episode pretty predictable, but I contend that something surprising DID happen.

In The Bachelor and The Bachelorette when the protagonist is down to the final two, the options are almost always:

• The potential mate who is a "safe bet"--someone nurturing, thoughtful, playful, and a strong long-term option for marriage. This person is good looking (I mean, this is TV, after all), but not quite as good looking as...
• The potential mate who is a "wild card"--there's chemistry there that can't be explained. This person might be a bit unpredictable, very sexy, not exactly Mr./Ms. Congentiality within the house. This person is better looking than the Bachelor or Bachelorette every time. 

Usually, given these two options, the Bachelor or Bachelorette picks the sexy wild card.  We've seen it with 

• Andi picking Armpit Tats Josh over playful nerd Nick 
• Bachelor Bob picking knockout Estella over sweetheart Kelly Jo 
• Pilot Jake picking most hated Vienna over simpleton Tenley 
• Ben Flajnik picking legendary mean girl Courtney ("winning") over wholesome, family gal (who loved tan lipstick) Lindzi
• Jillian selecting the pompous Ed Swiderski (who friggin' walked out on her during the season only to return and have the upper hand) over "aww shucks" hottie Kiptyn 
• Ali Fedotowsky choosing bad boy (who Bachelor Nation KNEW was our of her league) Roberto over the other jag

A few wise Bachelors and Bachelorettes select the more steady option, but it's the exception and not the rule.  (And yeah, can I get a Master's Degree in this stuff because I know I could handle the course work?)

But wait, what happened in the 3 hour extravaganza last night, Selena? Becca and Whitney met Chris's large family during a frigid day in Iowa--not what we normally see when everybody goes to paradise and sweats through "meet the parents."  

Whitney gets first crack at the family and she knocks it out of the park with her manners, sense of appreciation, and sweet candor.  I feel bad that I used to be so anti-Whitney because she is truly a dream daughter-in-law and you can tell that Chris's parents think so.  She drops a few more "we made  a baby" jokes (UNCLE! Please make it stop!) but wins over America's heart with her tear jerker toast about how much she loves Chris.  

After she leaves, Chris's sisters rave about Whitney and inquire about what Becca has to offer.  Chris can't quite articulate what he likes about Becca, saying, "she has qualities that are different... and pretty cool." Umm... ya mean the "quality" that she's a virgin? The men folk gather in the garage to drink beers and talk about chicks  Brother-in-law Jason calls it like it is, saying that Whitney is "all in" and the reason that Chris inexplicably holds a candle for Becca is solely because she's hard to get.  Jason, can you please be my therapist and tell me why the rest of the world's deal-breakers are my aphrodisiacs?

The next day the Soules family is a bit suspicious of Becca, but she manages to charm them with jokes and funny stories of her "journey" with Chris.  That good first impression wears off when she sits down for a talk with Chris's three sisters, though.  Becca spews out a whole lot of conditional phrases about "if I fall in love with Chris" and "if Chris is the one for me" and what MIGHT happen IF that or that plays out.  The sisters are not pleased and say that "we've seen a California girl not come to Iowa before."  (Truth be told, the girl they are talking about--Ombre DA Andi--is really an Atlanta girl who didn't want to move to Iowa and chose a smug former baseball player who can't let go of his pro sports glory days, but potato potato.)  Chris's wonderful mother convinces Becca that she IS in love with Chris and the things that she's feeling ARE love, but Becca's a bit too immature to process all of it. Again, Jason says what Bachelor Nation is thinking: the family can weigh in all they want, but this isn't a math problem to be solved analytically--this is about love and chemistry.  Seriously Jason, can we have a beer sometime?  I'll bring a bulleted list of topics and you just call 'em like you see 'em, OK?  Chris's wonderful father weighs in, saying that Whitney is "the sure thing" (ouch--nobody wants to be called a sure thing, am I right?) and he thinks that Chris will take the risky path.

Becca and Chris have a final date (that feels more like a booty call minus the booty) during which they address some tough questions that they probably should have talked about long ago: why do you think you aren't in love with me yet? What issues are holding you back? They get some concrete answers but Becca continues insisting that there are "supposed to be" steps of some sort and she doesn't know what she's doing.  I think she has watched too many Rom Coms (and Cinderella a few too many times) because I have a lot of dating experience and I'm not quite sure what she's talking about.  Steps?  Every relationship is unique.  Some happen quickly (like my parents' 2 months of dating and then engagement and enduring marriage) and others unfold slowly or in unexpected ways with people who you didn't think you'd end up with.  There aren't official steps, really.  Chris leaves Becca's room and says that it's a "weird situation" and gives us some tears.  Bachelor Nation is fueled by tears!  FEED THIS BEAST!

Feed me your tears, Prince Farming!!!! 

Whitney and Chris have a final date and it's more of a date-date than Becca got, which might tip the hand somewhat.  They hop in a tractor and do some harvesting then cruise in his lifted Chevy truck (NIIIIIICE) to his bachelor pad where they have drinks by the fire.  After daytime drinks it's time for evening drinks at Whitney's hotel where she very wisely tells Chris that no matter what happens, she has put everything on the table and she's at peace but also scared.

The next day is the big day and Chris picks out a ring for his chosen one.  The ladies get done up and don their elegant winter dresses (a tough look to pull off).  Finally it's go time and Chris is in his family barn (overloaded with chandeliers) waiting for the gals to arrive.  We get a glimpse of each one in her limo: Whitney in a black dress with a fun neckline and an updo; Becca with her hair down and a red gown made of crushed velvet.  Everybody knows that limo #1 is the person who is getting sent home and whose high heel do we see emerging from that first car: Becca's.

She walks up the stairs of the barn to a landing that strangely resembles a church because of all the stained glass, then she and Chris talk through the most amicable break-up in Bachelor history.  There's whispering, they can both see their breath, and "you're going to make someone very happy one day" is repeated ad nauseam.  He bids her adieu and during her drive away, Becca sheds no tears and says that "it doesn't feel good at all"and I can't decide if this girl is simply too young to understand what is going on or just completely unemotional.  Both?  Either way, she should probably gain a little experience (go on some dates, give an HJ) before she ever goes on a TV show whose solitary purpose is "to find a soulmate."

Up next is Whitney and HOLY COW she is going to be happy.  Once they are in position (and Whitney is done flapping like a fish on a dock), she launches in on a sweet speech about how much she loves him.  Chris follows with a monologue about the time they crashed a stranger's wedding (I had forgotten about that--SO BAD!) and then says that she's perfect for him.  They are a fantastic match in how earnest and sorta corny they are and I'm excited for them.  Chris gets down on one knee, opens up the ring box (MONEY SHOT) and her response to the question is "Absolutely."  After that they kiss and sit in the window of the barn looking out on their now shared kingdom (err--farm).

So yeah, not a drama-filled final episode at all.  And Chris wisely picked the reasonable, adult, would-probably-work-in-real-life option of Whitney (not the wild card passion pick).  Nicely done, Chris!  THAT is a surprising turn of events to me!

In the "After the Final Rose" portion (hour 3) Becca came back (in a fantastic pink dress) to continue on her tour of Zero Emotions and Naivete.  She says that she "loves easily" yet has never been in love (huh?) and continues to claim that she is  unsure if she was in love with Chris because she has nothing to compare it to, but girl, you never do.  Sure, the truncated timeline of The Bachelor is unique, but falling for someone doesn't have a roadmap. I know that I sound like I've been drinking the Bachelor Kool Aid, but I just can't get my mind around what Becca expects.  There's a first time for everything and sometimes even if you've never experienced that thing, you know it's the thing.  I remember when I was 18 and on a date with a lovely alum from my college and during every moment with him I felt like my soul was singing and I never stopped to be like, "Wait... is this it?" I just knew it was a great feeling!

Whitney and Chris come out and Whitney makes some charmingly self-effacing jokes, Chris says that he likes Whitney because she reminds him of her sisters (huh?), and Whitney says that Britt's beautiful.  Then Jimmy Kimmel comes out with a cow named Juan Pablo.  And just when you think that things can't get weirder, Chris Harrison flirts with Ashley "Crazy Train" S. and finally the next Bachelorettes are revealed to be Kaitlyn AND Britt.  Yes, two of them.  The Bachelor has always felt like a show about polygamy, but this time it's for real.

It has been wonderful to spend this season with you, dear readers.  I'll be back next season to see who can better rock a fuscia lip--Canadian Kaitlyn or Poor Man's Ariana Grande Britt.  In the meantime, I'll be posting here on occasion, performing standup and storytelling all over, and you can already read my book or listen to me reciting my own book anytime you like! xoxo

Bach Chris Recap Ep 8, 9, who's keeping track anymore SOMEONE HELP ME

Jazzy cats!

I didn't get around to writing a Bachelor recap after last Monday's episode because I couldn't stomach 5 straight hours of Bach watching and THEN Bach recapping.  I had to have a life!  So a quick run-down of last Monday goes like this:

-Britt doesn’t get negged, Britt negs YOU!  The only thing that Britt loves more than wearing eye make-up 24/7 is avoiding public rejection, so she rudely disrupts a rose ceremony in order to avoid being left in the lineup.  She kicks rocks--I'm sure she's got some shifts to pick up at the restaurant in LA. Byeeeee. 

-Sadly, Carly gets sent home, too. YOU RULE ANYWAY, GIRL! 

-Becca's Nawlins family see her as a child and Becca's sister Katie can't get over the fact that little Becky Becks has brought a man home.  She's an adult--stop treating her like a tyke! 

-Whitney’s family is very sweet, but sister is a bit of a downer (with great taste in apartment decor). 

-Kaitlyn’s family is lovely and her mom is like her BFF, which is very sweet. 

-Jade and her father have a wonderful bond that brings tears to their eyes and the eyes of Bachelor Nation.  Jade was in Playboy AND has a fantastic relationship with her father, which was a really refreshing thing to watch on TV and an interesting topic for Bach to explore.  Sadly, Chris sends Jade home and insists it's not about the Playboy secret.  I believe him--is that naive? 

So we're down to 3 ladies and Prince Farming in Bali where they will be experiencing the infamous Fantasy Suite dates.  Chris says, “I’m going to want to know that the intimacy aspect can potentially be there” which a network-friendly euphemism for TEST DRIVE HUMPS!  Oh there are PLENTY more euphemisms where that came from! 

First up is Kaitlyn, the Canadian jokester who made a bad impression at first but has emerged as a fun and easygoing gal with a warm, big family.  Chris and Kaitlyn walk around Bali hugging people everywhere they go then make-out beneath a droopy tree.  That night, Kaitlyn rocks a bikini top and a bold, flowy skirt as Chris sweats through his button down shirt and they "eat dinner" (sit behind plates and make out).  In between spit-swapping, they throw around every dating cliche in the book: "put yourself out there," "open yourself up," and so on.  That night back at the fantasy suite, Kaitlyn tells Chris that she's completely falling in love with him and he reciprocates those comments.  Time to pull down the shades and KICK IT UP A NOTCH! 

The next day is a boat trip for Chris and Whitney and the captain of their boat loves ramming into docks almost as much as he loves doing the thumbs up.  I haven't seen this many instances of thumbs up since that episode of Sex and the City when Carrie dated the politician!

They strip down to their swimsuits, make-out while treading water, and drink.  That evening Whitney rocks a drapey, lime green summer dress (fantastic) and hair in a bun (you know when it's so damn hot and as much as you really WANT to rock your hair down in loose, beach waves, it's just like, my neck will be EN FUEGO!) and tells Chris that she's happily shelve her career in favor of being a wife and mother in Arlington, Iowa.  Hey, to each her own.  Chris hands Whitney the fantasy suite invite card and we watch the strange dance of sex negotiation for public consumption.  Finally, our bold blonde says "check, please!" and they head off for a night of INTIMATE EXPLORATION.

When it's that hot out, sometimes you rock
shorts like it's a school dance circa 1992

The next day, Becca is chilling by a rice paddy and I can't tell if she's wearing black, leather shorts or Umbros, but either way, she looks great.  Chris and Becca chug some coconut water (the kind straight from a coconut--not from Whole Foods), put on some layers and head into a temple, and get some love advice from a local wise man.  He says that Becca's biggest weakness is that she can't be controlled (bitches be making decisions for themselves!) and that they should make love. Aww snap--Wise Man is laying the ground work for a conversation that Becca has been meaning to have all season!  He really IS a wise man! That night Becca rocks a fantastic, short and flirty amber dress and wedge heels (like a disco queen dream!) and Chris continues his armpit sweat tour of Bali.  Over dinner, Chris says that the most important thing is that Becca be able to see herself living in Iowa and she doesn't give him much of a response.  She describes what it must feel like to fall in love like a scientist analyzing an experiment and agrees to go into the Fantasy Suite, where she will tell him that she is saving herself for marriage.  As they head into the suite, Chris says that they are going to "get to know each other on a whole different level--a level of intimacy that we haven’t been allowed" but he's about to get a curve ball.  Becca tells him that she still has her V card and Chris seems stunned and not thrilled and says that he respects it.  My take is that Chris has always seen her as a bit of a youngster (she's 26 to his 33, has never been in love, and her family practically showed him her Barbie Dreamhouse) and that's his only reservation with her.  

The next day Chris is scared of hurting a girl, terrified, and unsure.  Chris Harrison and Chris sit down for a conversation and Bachelor Nation's favorite host asks Prince Farming about the virgin Becca situation.  Did anyone else find it super creepy to hear them discuss her virginity--especially since Chris Harrison brought it up as information he knew, but Chris hadn't been the one to tell him?  So weird! 

Finally, it's rose ceremony time and HOLY CULTURAL APPROPRIATION this rose ceremony is going to happen on the hallowed ground of an Indonesian temple and they are all dressed up in traditional Balinese clothing.  Whitney is rocking a frosted pink lip and good volume in her updo and bun (not easy!), Kaitlyn has a fierce fuscia ensemble and lip, and Becca's loose bun looks effortlessly perfect (but you know it probably took six dozen tries to get right).  Everybody is ready to be loved/publicly humiliated and the 2 roses are stacked!  

But before he can hand out roses that have probably been kept on ice by a segment producer for the past week, Chris wants to have a quick talk with Becca.  Apparently they had an extremely intense conversation the morning after their Fantasy Suite night and they both feel unsettled.  Whitney and Kaitlyn assume that Chris is pulling her aside to send her home without the humiliation of a rose ceremony and Kaitlyn has a good laugh at that prospect (oh girl).  Becca somehow talks her way back to safety (you could TELL that Chris was about to stick her in a cab and send her back to Shreveport) and the rose ceremony is back on!  The music is TENSE! Whitney scores the first rose (her voice is pretty annoying, but she's a warm, bubbly lady and she is WICKED ready to settle down and be Mrs. Prince Farming) and you can tell that Kaitlyn knows what a rose for Whitney means for her.  Chris didn't escort Becca back into the temple just to send her home.  Becca is given the final rose and Kaitlyn is devastated.  Chris walks her out and Kaitlyn makes pained faces, cries into him, and finally gets in the rejection van.  In the van, she cries hard while putting her seat belt on (smart girl) and says that she just went through "the most humiliating moment of my whole friction' life" which warmed my heart.  Kaitlyn, you're fun and pretty and rad--you'll be just fine, sweet maple leaf.  And I used to hate you!  See there--you made a fan out of me! You'll land on your feet, sweet girl. 

Next week is the women tell all and I can't WAIT!  I'm sure that Britt has been applying make-up before bed every night in preparation and I bet that Kelsey has been flipping through her SAT vocab flashcards! 

Bachelor Chris Recap - Ep 5: Britt & Kelsey: YA SUSPECT

On Monday night's episode (which I just watched on Tuesday night because I had a gig on Monday night, then chowed a large fries from McDonalds on the subway where I ran into a cutie who I went on a bunch of dates with about a year ago) the 11 ladies and Prince Farming traveled to Santa Fe, New Mexico (which is part of the United States, but apparently Megan slept through Social Studies class from grades K-12) for some sunshine, wine, hot air balloons, and DRAMA!

I'll keep this quick since my recap is so late.  I'm sorry, sweet lovers.

Carly gets the first 1:1 date card and it says "let's come together" which we will understand the meaning of momentarily.  Her eyebrows are a little bit over plucked and she looks perpetually surprised as a result, but Carly is my favorite since last week.  She spoke openly about how a lot of guys in her past had been crummy to her, yet she maintains a bubbly, positive attitude and I want to mail her a BFF necklace cause Carly is MY GIRL.  She meets up with Chris at a southwestern style house (are those called adobos? Did I make that up? Do you guys ever work with Adobe Acrobat? God that stuff needs updating friggin' every day, huh?) and they walk out to the backyard where they meet a "Love and Intimacy Mentor" (cough--wanna-be therapist who couldn't be bothered to get legitimately licensed--cough).  The "Love Guru" (as Chris called her--was that a subtle promo for a much maligned Mike Myers flick? ABC loves its cross promotion!) is named a cluster of consonants and I can only assume she adopted that name after graduating from Oberlin and quitting her short term gig at the coffee house.  Chris and Carly are forced to change into white tunics, rub each other, feed each other fruit and chocolate (brain surgeon Megan already did that last week--awkward!), and confess their relationship insecurities.  Chris says something about his fear of not opening up and Carly brings down the house (that is, brings me to tears inside my house) by saying that she's afraid that she's not worthy of love. GURL, have you been reading transcripts of my therapist appointments for the past 8 years? I FEEL YA!  Carly might be the most candid, real, heartbreaking, heartwarming, winning, lovely gal in this entire franchise.

That night once the Love Guru has disappeared (presumably to apply MORE bronzer though somebody should cut her off), Chris and Carly sip wine by a roaring fire and get shockingly honest and real for The Bachelor.  I know it sounds like I'm drinking the Bach Kool Aid, but I mean it, gang!  Carly shares that she never thought of herself as pretty and that her ex-boyfriend made her feel undesirable and insecure, then Chris says that he's afraid that he's "not enough" (with regard to being a small town boy/farmer).  I wish that Chris Harrison had been there to say that this scene was UNPRECEDENTED in Chris and Carly's candor, vulnerability, and genuine sharing.  Carly gets a rose and I say END THE SEASON! Marry this gemstone, Chris!  She'll stop touring on those cruise ships for you--I know it!  Also Carly, I'm sorry for joking that you looked like an adult Jean Benet Ramsey--I love you, girl!

Back at the house, Kelsey (who has gone from "diversity girl because of her short hair" to "Two Faced Psychopath" in a week's time) is sharing the story of how her ex-husband died and she's extremely casual and nonchalant about it (which Ashley I. comments on) and says that she needs alone time to tell Chris about it.  I smell foreshadowing!

The next day is a group date and when Jade (brunette who had Cinderella date last week), Megan (what did she get on her SAT? Nail polish), Kaitlyn (where are all your jokes NOW, huh, Canada?), Whitney (please just don't talk), Mackenzie (I know SOMEBODY who is fired up for The X Files 3), Becca (virgin, but doesn't make a big deal about it unlike SOME baby deer I know), Samantha (she must be a joke among the producers because she has not gotten to say a WORD on camera), Ashley I. (female, non-slutty Bobbly Bottleservice), and Kelsey (Black Widow) meet Chris on the banks of the Rio Grande and it's a parade of yoga pants.  Today's activity will be white water rafting and the crew is given a few warnings by a man named Sisquo (the years have NOT been good to the legendary singer of The Thong Song).  Whitney scores a seat in the raft next to Chris, Jade gets thrown into the water and then rubbed down by Chris (she has a medical condition that impedes her circulation), and the ever-classy Mackenzie and Kelsey mock Jade for having bad circulation. 

That night as Chris walks to the after party to meet up with the gals, he is intercepted by Jordan, a girl who was negged during week 2 and you may not even recall who she is. She was mostly drunk, blonde, and less memorable than the other drunk, blonde chick who was also sent home that same week.  Jordan is not drunk for a change and she tells Chris that she drove to New Mexico from Colorado (press the button hidden in the desk! SOMEONE! Security!), says that she doesn't want to bother him (too late), and she wants to try again. Umm girl, I don't think it matters if YOU want to try again.  Chris is too nice for his own good, so he lets her join the cocktail party (and enters the party arm-in-arm with Blonde Boozehound) then deals with the fallout for the rest of the night.  Chris, did Rock of Love Season 3 teach us NOTHING about the dangerous ramifications of adding ladies into the mix late in the game?  Finally, at the close of the cocktail party, Chris tells Jordan that she has to go home (but not before Ashley I. and Whitney can get into a tussle about how Jordan should be treated and, for once, I'm on Team Ashley).  Whitney scores a rose and then Ashley kvetches to Mackenzie that Whitney "hates me and I don't even know why" while she rocks a terrible, much-too-short, white sundress thing.  Ashley truly embodies the dichotomy of the virgin/whore all by herself.  

Back at the hotel, Carly and Britt are hanging out and we learn that Carly NEVER showers (eww), never shaves her legs (gross), and rarely washes her hair (OK I get that).  At 4:30 am that morning, Chris wakes Britt up pledge-style and we see that Britt really DOES sleep in a face full of make-up (brace yourself for a wicked break-out, girl).  They drive into the desert and go on a sunrise hot air balloon ride, then spend some time back in Chris' hotel room.  

The producers cut up footage of the ladies saying that Britt has admitted that she doesn't want to get married or have kids (the women are SCANDALIZED by this, and I suppose get it, but also, PLENTY of women still want love and lifeline partnership but not necessarily traditional marriage and kids) with Britt telling Chris that she wants "like 100 kids" (grody).  Any way you slice it, Britt's suspect.  


Suspect or not, Britt and Chris then "take a nap" (replacing "went swimming in the ocean" from Juan Pablo's season as the latest euphemism for humps).  When Britt returns to the Concubine Cave, the ladies want to hear the all the details (WHY?) so Britt dishes it out: hot air balloon ride, room service, took a nap.  All of the gals wish that they hadn't asked and Kelsey takes off to get dolled up and have some alone time with Chris. 

Kelsey's version of "dolled up" comes straight out of the Talbots catalogue and she struts to Chris' hotel room like an irate mother going into an elementary school to reprimand her son's homeroom teacher.  

Knock Knock, Chris!
Sexy Kelsey coming through!

She tells Chris that she's "stealing this time" and launches in on the story of her late husband (who she speaks about by his FULL NAME, which surprised me--I wonder how HIS family feels about all this).  As she tells him about how Sanderson (seriously, bro?) died suddenly on a sunny day in Austin, her tear-soaked monologue is intercut with her private interviews with producers during which she says "isn't my story amazing? It's tragic, but it's amazing" and "I love my story." First off, wouldn't you LOVE for your late husband to be ALIVE instead of you having a story to trot out at dinner parties and on reality TV?  Second, the characterization of Kelsey as a tragic widow figure who is picking up the pieces of her life via a reality TV dating show is something that the PRODUCERS should be gunning for--not Kelsey. It's as though Kelsey suffers from a disassociation from her own identity and is using the tragic circumstances of her late husband's death to craft a more interesting and multi-faceted backstory for the "character" that she plays.  Is that over analytical enough for you? Either way, she's a straight-up SOCIOPATH.  She also needs to learn how to use the word "ensued" and note that the proper use of "myriad" is NEVER "myriad of" but just "myriad."  But I digress.  Kelsey and Chris share a super awkward, forced first kiss after she's done talking about her dead first love. Creepy.

Finally it's cocktail party time and the 11 ladies are like a sea of short dresses and booties (very on trend!), but of course Ashley I. is wearing a GOWN.  When will she break out a tiara, I wonder? Samantha (brunette mystery lady who has yet to speak ONE WORD on camera) finally gets a line about how she's excited or nervous or something. Britt, Whitney, and Carly have roses from the week's events, so they are definitely safe.  Whitney comments that Kelsey seems strangely confident and Black Widow (White Widow?) insinuates that she will definitely NOT be on the receiving end of rejection tonight just before Chris arrives.  He greets the women, reveals that Kelsey came to his room earlier (Aww snap! Prince Farming sings like a BIRD!), then gets choked up and walks off.  The girls are shocked/awed/pissed/suspicious and Kelsey tries to explain herself, saying that she needed to talk to Chris privately in order to "honor her story" (oh SHUT UP, girl).  Ashley laments that SHE doesn't  have some big, sad story to share and she's pissed about that because the show has become a "comparison game of sad stories" (you're right, but you're still a moron).  Kelsey has another trick up her sleeve, though, and it's a crying/screaming/mewling tantrum (something she is lucid enough to clearly describe to the random passer-by as a "panic attack") on the floor.  A panic attack is super convenient because no one knows quite what one looks like.  I don't mean to downplay people who truly suffer from panic attacks, but from Kelsey, I just aint buying it.  

The episode ends with a black screen that says "To Be Continued..." and a preview of tons of tears next week.  As far as episode 5 goes, Britt & Kelsey, I've said it before and I'll say it again: YA SUSPECT.   

Bachelor Chris Recap - Ep 4: We Get It, You're A Virgin!

It's that time in the season when the episodes get juicier and more exciting and I lose my ability to crank our recaps quickly.  I'm sorry!  We got hit with a weirdo storm and I have had a ton of gigs--there are just too many good things going on in my vida loca!

So this recap is going to be as succinct as I can muster (which isn't especially succinct because I'm a rambling man when it comes to talking smack).

Chris Harrison gives the remaining ladies the lay of the land: this week there will be 2 group dates and a single one-on-one date for a girl who will be chosen by Chris' 3 blonde sisters.  Yes, it's a family affair and if you want to charm the sisters, you had better love playing Ghosts In the Graveyard!  (Remember Andi's season, Bachelor Nation?)

The first group date is Megan (blonde kinda bland), Kaitlyn (hella tiresome Canadian "comedian"), Ashley S. (*dut dut du do du da doo do dut dut du do du doo do* that's a transcription of the guitar opening to "Crazy Train" obviously), Ashley I. (wanna be Kardashian virgin), Juelia (baby mama with a late husband),  Samantha (brunette who has said ZERO words so far this season--it's like a new record for getting NO time on camera), Mackenzie (I bet was big into the X Files), Kelsey (short haired widow).  The date card says "let's do what feels natural" and the ladies crack a bunch of jokes about how much make-up they all wear 24/7.  It's true--the only girl who occasionally rocks a bare face is Jillian and when she does, I compare her to Mr. Bigglesworth.  Like the old saying goes: Damned if you do, hairless cat look-alike if you don't.  They load up some vintage convertibles (I hope somebody brought along spray in conditioner because convertibles may be fun but they are MISERY on loose hair) and drive to a lake where they spend the day swimming, drinking, and boating.

Hi, I'm Kelsey! Just a bubbly Austin gal
who HATES THESE BIMBOS! 

Ashley I. is looking for a way to "break out of her shyness" and she finds it in taking off her American flag bikini top and jumping off the floating dock.  Kaitlyn follows suit (NO PUN INTENDED BUT OMG HOW MUCH DO I RULE WITH THE SWIMSUIT JOKES?) and strips off her bikini bottoms before jumping in the water.  Short haired Kelsey is NOT happy and says that this is a date made for bimbos.  She says that there are better lakes in Michigan and refers to this one as a "hell hole" (hey, at least you know where you stand in a HELL HOLE, right?), she'd like to stab herself in the eye with a fork, and then gets stung by a bee right in the crotch area.  Somebody has had a lil too much birthday.  We're seeing the first seeds of Two Faced Kelsey emerge--she's whiney and negative around he girls but turns on the charm in front of Chris.  Aha--one of you appears every season--it's just a matter of who will play that role.

Oh, but the day isn't over after the final game of Red Rover (the worst game in the world)--the gang is going to be CAMPING OUT!  As they erect their tents, Mackenzie cracks jokes about holes and insertion (cause she's 21 going on 13) and makes more comments about aliens (this is the 2nd time she has brought up aliens, as Bachelorette alum Nick Peterson shrewdly noticed).

That night the crew gathers around the campfire to drink whiskey, dance, and tell scary stories by the flashlight.  Ashley S. has one-on-one time with Chris during which she asks him "what are you?" over and over; Kelsey sulks until she gets some alone time with Chris and then she flips a switch and becomes a giggling, bubbly fun time gal; and Ashley I. says something about how much she likes Chris that involves the phrase "you don't even know, " proving once and for all that she IS Bobby Bottleservice.  In the middle of the night, Ashley "I was born in an Ed Hardy T-shirt" I. goes to Chris' tent and confesses to him that she's inexperienced "in every way possible" (GET IT?) and that "basically, like, so far I feel like I’ve been portrayed as not how I am" (wait 'till the producers cut up your outtakes, girl) and finally, that despite her looks and attitude, she's actually a nerd (OH I BELIEVE YOU, Ashley!).  Chris is half asleep and seems confused, but Ashley exits his tent feeling reassured that they had a good, honest conversation.  

Hi, I'm Ashley I. and I used to be an awkward
nerd, if you can believe it.  

While these ladies are getting the smell of campfire embedded into their expertly-curled hair, back at the house Chris' 3 sisters Jackie, Laurie, and Lisa are interviewing the housebound ladies.  The sisters are tough interviewers and don't pull any punches, inquiring about the girls' dating histories and willingness to move to Iowa.  Jade admits that she's a model (but recently launched a make-up line), Britt says that she sees herself as the front runner, and Carly wins my heart by getting emotional and saying that guys haven't been very nice to her, as far as dating goes. Oh girl. I get you SO MUCH. I'm sorry I ever mocked you, sweet cruise ship performer. If you want to hear ME get emotional about how guys weren't very nice to me, listen to my episode of RISK here.  But I digress!

I would have bet big money that Carly's sweet words would win her the 1:1 date card (as selected by the trio of blonde sisters), but Jade is the victor.  Once the girls are assembled back in the Bachelor Manse the next day, Jade is whisked away (well, not that far away--just to another room) where a faux fairy godmother helps her pick out a dress, jewelry, and shoes.  Ashley I. is extremely jealous as she watches the Cinderella scene unfold, saying that SHE should haven been chosen for the princess date, not the camping date.  Is there anything sadder than watching a grown woman who is obsessed with recreating the toxic gender dynamics of a fairy tale?

Yeah there is--watching a professional orchestra serenade a bachelor and his surprise date while they muddle through some bush league ballroom dancing moves on an elevated platform.  Jade and Chris have a good date, though, and share that they have both been engaged before.  They dance on that platform, watch a clip of Disney's new Cinderella (there was nothing subtle about that product placement), then Jade runs off as the clock strikes midnight (but doesn't lose a shoe OR fall down the stairs--I was hoping for a more exiting exit).

The final group date is Nikki (former NFL cheerleader with giant eyes), Jillian (hairless cat gym rat), Whitney (voice like nails on a chalkboard), Carly (my soul mate in hair color and life experiences), Britt (wears make-up in her sleep), and Becca (slow burn who RULZ) and it involves each girl putting on a white wedding dress, flying to San Francisco, and going through a Tough Mudder-style muddy obstacle course.  The challenge was like a miniature Running of the Brides at Filene's Basement (BOSTON!) but with fewer ladies and more dirt.  Jillian is insanely competitive so she wins the challenge (of course), but loses the war (Chris).

During their dinner date (that Jillian wins as a result of coming in first place on the obstacle course), Jillian won't shut up about sports, lifting, dirty jokes, and her hatred of planning and goal setting (because she's just good at stuff and it comes naturally, you guys).  She comes up for air during a brief moment during which Chris takes the rose in his hand and then sends her home. Talk about a fake out! She starts crying, says "situation" a million times, and regrets not revealing herself sooner, but that's not the issue here, girl!  You DID reveal yourself just now and Chris don't like it. Ciao!

Before we know it, it's cocktail party time and Megan's look is far too uniform in color (all tan/gold) but she soldiers on with a weird fondue "date" during which she makes Chris eat chocolate covered fruit while blindfolded then guess what he is eating.  She doesn't know how many senses we have and I sense that she'll be sent home soon. Heyo!

Ashley I. continues to be 26 going on 14 and she pulls Chris aside to inform him for the second time that she's a virgin but IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL and don't take it too seriously!  Just look up at the skywriting up there, it says "I'M A VIRGIN -ASHLEY I."--can you see it?  She reports back to her bizarre fairy God Pimp, Mackenzie (who is acting oddly mature for a 21-year-old alien conspiracy theorist) then breaks down in tears.  During this drama Becca reveals that she, too, is a virgin but in her case it is ACTUALLY not a big deal.  Oh Becca, you have great hair and a great way about you.  Keep on trucking! Britt snaps at Chris about the camping date and the fact that Kaitlyn took off her bikini bottoms and that said "behavior and action was validated" by her receiving a rose. Well well well, Britt--SOMEBODY has been reading self help books!

Finally it's rose ceremony time.  Kaitlyn and Jade already have roses.  Who will live to see another week chez Bach?

Whitney - will Chris EVER tire of that voice (not to mention personality)?  We can only hope.
Carly - me, if I were to live in the Bachelor Manse
Megan - blonde dummy (though I gotta note: the first 3 ladies picked are BLONDIES! Yahooo!)
Samantha - will she utter a single word this season? STAY TUNED!
McKenzie - alien believer who knows the value of a virgin (#horrible)
Kelsey - short haired TWO FACE
Becca - keep an eye on this girl--she's going places! (Places = fantasy suite)
Ashley I. - next week the baby deer announces that her hymen is in tact ONE MORE TIME!
Britt - last place for the girl who thinks SHE is the favorite! That's what we call eating HUMBLE PIE!

So who is hitting the bricks? Ashley S. (I truly hope that she gets the help that she needs and finds a more stable cocktail of meds), Nikki (time to get a job, huh, Former NFL Dancer?), and Juelia (time to go back to baby).  Next week the crew heads to Santa Fe, New Mexico where Kelsey goes from being two faced to being straight-up hysterical.  I can't wait!

Bachelor Chris Recap - Ep 3: Coachella Style & Jimmy Kimmel

On Monday night Jimmy Kimmel weaseled his way into a full episode of The Bachelor and he managed to make Bachelor Nation AND the participants in this show laugh while mocking the reality TV institution that we all love.

Kimmel referred to the women as "sister wives" (zing), made a joke about sleeping with each of them (spicy for ABC around 8:00pm), and instituted an Amazing Jar where everyone had to deposit a dollar for each time they uttered the chronically overused word "amazing."  I'm a sucker for a silly jar, though I'm partial to a Swearing Jar.

The first date of the episode goes to Kaitlyn (the Canadian "comedian") and having a real comedian on set seemed to make Kaitlyn stop telling bad jokes.  She broke out a Pearl Jam chic look for their date--a shopping trip to Costco.  Jimmy Kimmel sent them on the date, saying the he wanted them to have a normal activity as a date. I can't WAIT for the date during which they read a People Magazine from 6 months ago in a dentist's waiting room then get an oil change!  Prince Farming and Kaitlyn had as much fun as you can have in a Costco and Chris kept marveling at how well she rolled with the punches.  Well, what else is she going to do?  Have a princess meltdown while the cameras roll?  OF COURSE she rolled with the punches!

That evening they prepare dinner for themselves and Jimmy Kimmel and then sit down for a dinner that gave me flashbacks to Elimidate.  Kimmel breaks out the hard-hitting questions ("have you dated a farmer before?" "have you dated a Canadian before?") in between his homoerotic jokes aimed at Chris.  Kimmel also pulls no punches about what goes on in the Fantasy Suite and Kaitlyn says that you need to test drive a car before you buy it. For that she earns a rose!

Up next is a group date and the crew is Britt (Ariana Grande), Jillian (super competitive false eyelash addict who may or may not have a hairy bum), Becca (great hair, slow burn), Tracey (hasn't said much since she ragged on "crazy cat ladies"), Mackenzie (whose son is named the 2013 version of Brussel Sprouts), Kelsey (short haired widow), Juelia (long haired widow), Amber (pretty, slow burn), Ashley S. (in the midst of a breakdown but still holding out for a hero 'till the morning light), Samantha (dark hair, personality?), Nikki (was once a professional cheerleader, is now an... unemployed dancer?), and Carly (cruise ship singer blonde).

The group date that Jimmy Kimmel has supposedly planned is a Hoedown Throwdown.  The girls will compete in 5 challenges: corn shucking, egg finding and cooking, goat milking and drinking, manure shoveling, and pig wrangling.  The corn shucking should be the easiest part, but Tracey immediately shouts, "this is hard" as Jillian bursts ahead because she's SUPER COMPETITIVE.  (Sidenote: if you are a self-described SUPER COMPETITIVE person, I hate you.  I have never understood people who are competitive.  Who cares?  About any of it?)  Jillian and her daisy dukes aren't in the lead for long, as Carly the cruise ship entertainer comes from behind the win the whole thing! I didn't think that ANYONE would be able to wrangle a pig, but who knows what they do on cruise ships that prepared Carly for that task.  Her "prize" is that she gets to pose for an American Gothic-style photo with Chris (and based on Carly's blank facial expressions upon seeing the backdrop and props, girl is NOT familiar with that painting).  In old timey glasses and overalls, Chris goes from Prince Farming to Williamsburg Hipster and I am not a fan.  Bring back the beefcake, please!

That night at the after party Carly is feeling confident and she leans in to kiss Chris after saying, "you're a man... and I'm a woman..." and I wish she had launched in on a list ("and those people over there are also women, and Jamie Lee Curtis was allegedly born a hermaphrodite but became a woman, and that greenery over there is a plant...").  Mackenzie is 21 going on 14 as she confronts Chris about how many girls he has been kissing. She promptly regrets confront him about it, says she feels stupid, and hopes that he isn't mad at her (mad for expressing how you feel?).  Girl, it's time to have your own back.  Your feelings are valid because yes, it's hard to watch your crush mack it to other women but ALSO you are on a TV show whose entire premise is that.  Maybe time for a lil journaling?  Good Lord I'm here to make fun of you--WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO ME, READERS? Becca gets some alone time with Chris and makes a fantastic impression (atta girl!) which results in a rose for the girl with the great blondish/brownish hair.  Sorry, Carly and Kelsey--you ladies chugged warm, unpasteurized goat milk for NOTHING!

Whitney (blonde with a voice like a nasal nightmare and a dopey sense of humor) scores a one-on-one date and they head to a winery.  She's rocking a cool statement necklace beneath a sleeveless jean jacket and it looks cute, but a sleeveless jean jacket will always remind me of The Outsiders.

My name is Whitney and I make
babies for a living. HONK! 

As they sip wine, Whitney asks Chris what he wants and he responds that he wants an easygoing, genuine girl who can go with the flow (he phrases it "roll the cow" or "roll the cab" or something equally strange).  Whitney starts a conversational song and dance through which she attempts to prove that she's easygoing and down-to-Earth but the effect is exactly the opposite.  Over their shoulders an outdoor wedding is just starting and as soon as they spot it, Whitney unleashes a hat trick of stunningly dumb and selfish things:
-she immediately suggests that they crash the wedding
-she tries to bolster her case by saying "YOLO" as in "you only live once" in the way that utter morons share that conceit
-she says "there's just something about weddings that's very romantic." SOMETHING.  Whatever could it be?  That's like saying that there's just SOMETHING about a steak house that is very meaty!


So the two a-holes (I'm sorry, but wedding crashing is just SO tacky and crummy) get dressed up, get a gift (isn't the entire point of wedding crashing that you are essentially stealing free drinks from strangers without contributing anything?), and head into the party.  They feel foolishly protected by their story: they finished shooting the show, got married, and now they are an engaged couple.  Good story, but umm... you guys STILL aren't invited to this wedding.  Chris is thoroughly impressed by Whitney's ability to sell lie after lie into the faces of well-meaning strangers (great quality in a life partner!) and he gives her a rose saying, "this won't be the last wedding Whitney and I crash if we get married."  Huh?  For a woman who doesn't want a traditional wedding EVER, I have very strong feelings about wedding crashing and I think it's the most chickenshit, faux "I'm zany" bullshit you can ever pull. Le fin.

The next day it's pool party time and everyone except Ashley I. and Mackenzie is fired up ("this is the most best day ever!" -Megan).  The ladies are deep into Coachella style with the number of sparkly headband things being outdone only by the number of sets of fake eyelashes.  Aint nobody dunking their heads at THIS pool party! The sun is shining, the women circling Chris are being compared to sharks by Kaitlyn, and the drinks are flowing--what better time to pull Chris aside and tell him about the suicide of your ex-husband than today, thinks Juelia!  No day but TODAAAAAY (#rent)!  Admittedly, I'm not sure WHEN there is a good time to talk about heavy stuff with a hottie who you hardly know while cameras roll, but poolside just felt a bit odd.  Britt and Chris make out hard, then Chris walks Jade down to his house to give her a tour of his house (and bed--HONK!).  While Chris and Jade canoodle in the house, Jillian lays in wait in the hot tub and as I said on Twitter, the girl who waits for you in the hot tub is the girl who will wear your skin as a shirt someday.  Chris joins Jillian in the hot tub and their conversation mostly consists of Jillian saying "like" every third word.  Mackenzie, Ashley I., and Megan join them but then opt to give the couple some alone time, naively thinking that they will each take turns having one-on-one time with Chris.  Super competitive Jillian isn't about to play nice (of course she't not) and Ashley I. becomes upset when she realizes that Jillian won't be sharing the spotlight.  Ashley I. heads back to her mansion to wallow in her sadness and perhaps confide in Ashley S. (Ashleys helping Ashleys (TM)) but she is soon disrupted by Chris who has come to find her and shove his tongue down her throat as they practically fall off the upstairs patio.  Love conquers all!

The rose ceremony is up next and after her game of tonsil hockey with Chris, Ashley I. says that she would "very much appreciate being picked early in the rose ceremony" and I assume she must be a fan of Bobby Bottleservice because she talks just like him!  Wow, for a girl who works as a "freelance journalist" (though I'm sure she means "unemployed English major with a tumblr") she has terrible speaking and writing skills!  Before you know it, the girls are lined up in cocktail dresses and Jimmy Kimmel is giving Chris a pep talk about how silly all of this is.  Kaitlyn, Becca, and Whitney already have roses so they are safe.  Who scores a rose and lives to see another week in the Bach Manse?

Jade - did you notice her tan bra when she visited Chris's house? What was that about?
Samantha - I hope she grows a personality/voice box one of these weeks!
Juelia - seems like a cool girl and now her whole story is out, which must be a relief for her.
Mackenzie - that girl is so friggin' 21: "the only thing that matters is that Chris isn't upset with me somehow!"
Kelsey - was her dress made of scraps of old, grey sweatpants?
Britt - that day glo pink dress isn't doing ANYBODY any favors, even Brit.
Megan - holy cleavage and fuscia lips, Megan! She looks like a blonde Jessica Rabbit!
Carly - is that a dress or wallpaper that you have fashioned into a top?
Ashley S. - is she back on her meds? She seems functional this episode--what is going on here?
Nikki - how about you bring something to the table sometime soon, K?
Jillian - that fantastic blue, lace dress makes up for the fact that you're a nightmare.
Ashley I. - she WOULD HAVE very much appreciated an early rose, but she didn't get one.  She's still in the game, though.

The man, the myth, the legend: BOBBY BOTTLESERVICE

Ashley I. aka Wanna Be Bobby Bottlservice who VERY MUCH APPRECIATES things.

Who just became a footnote in the Wikipedia entry about Bachelor Season 19?
Amber - perhaps suggesting that Chris slow dance with you and that you both "pretend it's our wedding" is a bit much?
Tracey - awww snap the girl who wouldn't shut up about how sad an adult, single woman is has now become an adult, single woman who got negged on network TV! The calls are coming from inside the house!
Trina - you've got beautiful blonde hair--you'll be fine, girl.

Next week we learn something that Mackenzie cares about a LOT, for whatever reason: there are TWO virgins inside the Bachelor manse!!  Get ready for a season finale of bloody sheets hung out the windows! (Too much?)

Bachelorette Andi Ep 8: Give Me Back My Hometown

Yes, this recap is titled after an Eric Church song--deal with it!  (And get jealous because I'm seeing him in concert at Madison Square Garden this fall.  Selena's feeling like a spicy minx today!)

Monday night we experienced an episode that is always a crowd pleaser among Bachelor Nation: HOMETOWNS!  Andi criss-crossed the country, although perhaps "criss-crossing" is a bold term for making 2 stops in the midwest and 2 stops in the south.

Andi's first stop was Nick's hometown of Milwaukee, Wisconsin (more specifically the suburb of Waukesha, recently made famous as the site of the creepy teenage Slenderman stabbings! Way to be relevant and topical, Waukesha!). Before they met Nick's oversized family (as in 10 kids, not as in overweight--I'm not a jerk!) the couple had a very Laverne & Shirley day: they visited a brewery, danced the polka, and wore cheese hats.  That evening they had dinner with Nick's family and Andi tried and failed to explain the concept of "romantic connection" to Nick's kid sister. The family matriarch is a Tabatha Takes Over look alike named "mom" and Nick is very close to her.

There's mom aka Tabatha in the middle

The Real Tabatha is unimpressed (as always) 

Nick tells his mother that he thinks he's Andi's favorite and they both cry. As Andi drives away, Nick says that he doesn't think of her as The Bachelorette--he thinks of her as his girl. Aww Nick--I almost don't completely despise you anymore.

Then Andi heads to Chris's family farm in Arlington, Iowa (population 757 normals, 1 cornfed hottie farmer). Chris revealed his love for indistinctive, overstuffed furniture as he showed Andi around his house, then they rode in his tractor together before having a picnic among the severed corn stalks.  Andi claims to be "not as city as you think I am" and says that she loves hunting and the outdoors. Just then, a small plane flies overhead (and I was thinking, "Attack of the drones? Amazon delivery?") with a sign hanging behind it: CHRIS LOVES ANDI. Aww Chris---you're a good egg. That night Chris's family charms the pants off of Andi and Bachelor Nation with their kind hearts, blonde hair, and love of Ghosts in the Graveyard (seriously--that game is a classic).

Andi journeys from the nicest family in America in Iowa down to the Sporty Spice of families in Tampa, FL. Josh waits for Andi by the beach and claims to be very excited, but I'm still not buying it. They run around a baseball diamond and Josh says that he hasn't been at a ball field in 7 years (which is odd since he also claims to have quit his pro ball career 5 years ago, but hey--I'm not a mathematician--I'm just a hater). When Josh isn't name dropping his sports achievements he's name dropping the sports achievements of his younger brother and we soon learn that it's a family hobby! Over dinner the family fail to ask Andi and Josh any questions about their courtship but instead, discusses Aaron's recent games and draft prospects (and he sits at the head of the table). After football discussion over dinner, the family retires to the backyard for a game of touch football. Good Lord has any one of you picked up a book in the past decade? And NO, a football play book does NOT count!

The last stop on the Meeting Families and Soon Breaking Hearts Express is Dallas, TX where Marcus and his Mercedes are waiting for Andi.  Marcus drives her to a darkened club (very "Varsity Blues") where he re-enacts their stripping date sans alcohol (BAD IDEA).  There's nothing quite like watching a guy strip down and gyrate, then meeting his sweet, immigrant mother mere moments later. Marcus's sister has awesome hair, he and his brother share a heartfelt moment, and he says "I love you" to Andi.  A big night all around.

Then suddenly we're back in LA and Andi and The Boyz are summoned to what is supposedly Chris Harrison's house (but either he HATES person effects/table top decorations or that was a random house that was staged) to learn that Eric "Explorer" Hill died suddenly.  Marcus walks outside, Andi follows him, everyone looks stunned.  Then, Bachelor Nation gets a peek behind the curtain as the producers on site come out from behind the cameras to hug Andi and the gang.  We even caught a glimpse of the infamous Bachelor producer who got into a fake fight with a nonexistent woman for attention!  Yup, this guy! Andi regrets that her last conversation with Eric was so harsh and I feel for her. That's tough.

But this Love Train stops for no man--not even a deceased one--and it's time to make somebody cry. The four men line up (nice pink jacket, Nick--and if you can't tell that I'm kidding and I actually hate your pink jacket, then let me clarify: I hate your pink jacket but you are growing on me in a TINY way) and Andi arrives in a green dress that resembles a Chinese finger trap standing upright.

I'm just a Chinese finger trap standing in front of a boy, asking him to love me. 

Andi's still so emotional and just as she's about to start rejecting men on network television, she has a crisis of conscience because Explorer Eric used to stand in that same room waiting to be negged or loved by her. But Andi's a tough cookie (according to Chris's mom, who rules) and she pulls it together long enough to crush one man's heart.  Whose heart does she crush? Well, the roses are handed out like so...

-JOSH (does she truly want to spend every weekend of her life watching football games?)
-CHRIS (heck yeah--cool family, cool dude, good times)
-NICK (I wonder if his mom whips failing businesses into shape like her look alike? If so, Nick wins some points in my book.)

So sweet Marcus's heart is ripped out of his chest, just above his washboard abs.  He handles it gracefully, though. 

Up next are "fantasy suite dates" (aka 2 tickets to HUMP CITY and there's a carry on luggage fee of $25 and I hope that carry on is filled with condoms IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN) in the Dominican Republic. I can't wait to hear more about Josh's failed pro ball career!

Bachelorette Andi Recap Ep 5: Miming in Marseille

After suffering through the withdrawal symptoms of life sans Bachelorette for 2 weeks (shakes, night sweats, pondering what "the right reasons" are to willingly make out in front of TV cameras), last night ABC gave us a fix in the form of Andi and her 11 remaining suitors in Marseille, France.  Marseille is a quaint city known for its waterfront, cobblestone streets,  and ability to make American men get into arguments.  It was like Fight Club last night, if the first rule of Fight Club were "one person must debate another person and that person #2 must seem wholly uninterested." EXCITING! 

Andi and her leather skirt (not doing anyone any favors) have a quick chat with Chris Harrison and his turtleneck (trying to go for a French look, no?) during which Chris asks Andi if she's in love.  She responds with her signature line, 

Oh, but we just getting STARTED! 

Jason (former pro baseball player who apparently hasn't done anything since retiring from the Myrtle Beach Mermen) gets his first one-on-one and guy is touchy-feely like he's a 12 year old boy on his first PG-13 movie date.  Andi and Jason walk around Marseille then board a boat (cue signature Bachelor boast music!) where they snuggle, canoodle, and talk about the most important thing in Jason's life: his failed pro ball career. The boat takes them to The Calanques, a mountainous island, where they disembark for cocktails and more flirting.  They talk about traveling but somehow the conversation ends up back on his pro ball career.  Jason sure loves talking about a job that he held from ages 17-22.  To adopt Jason's style, let me regale you, dear readers, with stories of my summer temp jobs—those faxes weren't about to send themselves!  I got paper cuts all the time!  I had to wear pantyhose in the summertime and everybody knows that nobody wears pantyhose anymore! 

That night Andi and Pretty Boy Kenny Powers clean up and eat dinner at Palais Longchamp (named after the bland bag that is somehow fashionable, I'm sure).  

Hi! I'm boring! 

Over "dinner" (wine) they discuss infidelity, exes, and the repercussions of his pro ball career.  After that, Jason and Andi get a private concert from Ben Fields who is apparently a musician and yet not Ben Folds (Five?). Where DO they find these people?  I don't mean to judge Jason based on his good looks and waxed eyebrows, but umm…. F off, pretty boy ball player.  Jason scores a rose.  

Meanwhile, back the house, JJ (Pantsapreneur), Nick (slow burn front runner who has gotten a bit smug), Marquel (playful hottie), and Brian (coach who is always in coach mode) talk about Andrew (black sheep of the season for scoring a hostess's digits and generally being a snake) and JJ says that in the first rose ceremony, Andrew referred to Marquel and Ron (the two black guys in the contest) as "blackies."  Ooof. That's super messed up, but I hope that JJ heard that correctly because that's a pretty bold assertion. Marquel  talks about how he feels and we have a pretty unprecedented moment for The Bach franchise: This show, which has been widely derided for its lack of diversity gives the lone remaining black suitor a soap box to talk about how it feels.  It was an intriguingly real and candid moment for a TV program that is mostly fluff.  

But before we solve racial bias on The Bachelorette, it's time for some WHITEFACE because the group date activity is MIMING! Is there anything more stereotypically French than that?  What's the next group date, bicycling around the countryside while toting baguettes, smoking Gauloises, and rolling over to German invasion real quick?  A mime teacher (the only one in whiteface) instructs the gang about the ins and outs of miming, they suit up (stripes and suspenders!), and then they take their exaggerated moves to the street. Cody (Macklemore on Roids) makes a miming/Snoop Dogg joke, Marquel makes a baby cry, Nick sulks, JJ acts weird, and people of France hate the entire display (of COURSE they do).  I haven't seen a Bachelorette activity as corny as miming since the time when Emily and Jef put on a marionette show (and yes, everything about that sentence is sad. I'm like a Bach Encyclopedia over here.)

That night at the cocktail party Cody tells Nick that he's smug and arrogant (truth) and Nick acts as such.  Andi can feel the tension through her turtleneck and sparkly, white miniskirt and she discusses the house dynamics with a few men.  Chris and Cody are the 2 nicest guys in the house and they tell Andi that Nick's a bit of a prick, which must mean that he's a real jerk.  Andi confronts Nick and he owns up to being mean spirited (RED FLAG) then reads her a poem that he probably bought off a 6th grade boy with its repetitive structure and juvenile tone. Nonetheless, Andi kisses him and teases him for "causing a ruckus in my mind." Huh/blech.  

Marquel calmly confronts Andrew about Blackie-gate and Andrew denies everything, saying that he would never say such a thing and he's being set up. JJ sits there and doesn't admit that he's the one who shared this information, then later he gets a rose because the rewards system on The Bachelorette is illogical and crazy!  Nick feels defeated and looks sad, which is a look that I love to see on a previously smug face. 

Finally it's Brian's turn to get a one-on-one and their date is dinner and a movie, which Brian says is his favorite thing (and I believe him).  They watch The 100 Foot Journey and we watch them watch it, so we are in effect watching a commercial for this flick (in addition to the multiple actual commercials for this flick).  We get beaten down with metaphors about food, love, and memories as we watch Andi and Brian grocery shop after the film.  They head to her apartment where they cook and Brian stiffens up because he doesn't know how to cook.  The Bachelorette producers must have been hard up for drama (was 2 arguments not enough in this episode?) because they craft Brian's kitchen cluelessness as a major plot point and insinuate that Andi might eliminate him because he can't cook.  They sit down to eat the frogs' legs that Andi cooked and the food is awful, so they go out to dinner. Holy romantic comedy trope!  At dinner, Brian admits that he was feeling self-conscious and not confident, but he regains his swagger over beer and leads Andi into an industrial kitchen for a hot make out.  Not so scared of kitchens anymore, are ya,  Coach?  Brian scores a rose.   

The next night it's cocktail party/rose ceremony time, but Andi vetoes the cocktail party.  She's rocking a seriously textured fishtail braid with some great volume and she's made up her mind.  Chris Harrison informs the posse that Andi will be sending 3 guys home and there will be no cocktail party.  Patrick refers to this as "devastating news" but it's probably most devastating to HIM, since all I know about him as of now is that he has slicked back hair and thinks that miming is hard.  

The boys line up for the elimination ceremony—I mean, rose ceremony—and Josh, JJ, and Brian already have roses from their respective dates.  Who is safe this week? 

-Marcus (he's nerdy but has great abs, which brings him back to zero) 

-Nick (Who can resist a smug guy who writes bad poetry? EVERYBODY except Andi?)

-Chris (I adore the Iowa farmer and yes, I think his tractor's sexy) 

-Dylan (You know it! He's handsome, easygoing, friendly, charming, and I'd like to see him in swim trunks a lil bit more please) 

-Cody (Macklemore on Roids lives to see another week! I'm just as shocked as he is!) 

So who is "hopping on a plane back to the U.S.A. that night" according to Chris Harrison (though we know the truth—those poor rejects will be stuck in a hotel killing time for another week or two at least)?  

-Andrew (snake in the grass slithers off. Who will the remaining guys hate on NOW?) 

-Marquel (super handsome, fun guy but he and Andi didn't seem to have a romantic spark) 

-Patrick (about as interesting as a vanilla ice cream cone on a cold day)

Next week our crew of 8 guys and Andi travel to Venice where they encounter boats, lie detectors, and tears!