New Year, New Bach!

Hey lovers! 

A new season of The Bachelor is almost upon us and Bachelor Nation is fired up!  The task of dating 30 conventionally beautiful, thin, bikini-clad women at the same time falls on the well-built shoulders of Chris Soules, the Iowan farmer from Andi's season of The Bachelorette.  I'm sure you recall that Chris made it to the Top 3 of Andi's season before she sent him home in a scene that was shockingly sweet.  Chris handled the rejection thoughtfully and calmly, which was really impressive but also makes me wonder if Chris has a bit of a Juan Pablo style to him. That calmness in the face of upsetting circumstances can come off as somewhat careless or unfeeling in matters of the heart. We shall see!  

ABC released head shots and information about Chris's dating prospects and, as usual, the producers have done a hell of a job assembling beautiful psychopaths.  A few of stand out from the crowd already and I have copy/pasted their information below.  These are their answers to the producer's questions and my thoughts below those.  Get ready for a whole lotta snark, pussycats! 

Ashley I., 26

Age: 26

Occupation: Freelance Journalist

Hometown: Wayne, NJ

If you won the lottery, what would you do with your winnings?Buy a room on a cruise ship that I could use any time.


Ohh your very own cruise ship on which you can get mysterious illnesses and deal with nautical piracy anytime you damn well please!  

Becca, 25

Occupation: Chiropractic Assistant

Hometown: San Diego, CA

Biggest date fear: Having stomach issues and clogging up a toilet, a la Dumb and Dumber. 

A girl who talks about deucin straight away? I think I love you... but what am I so afraid of? 

Brittany, 26

Occupation: WWE Diva-in-Training

Biggest date fear: Gas or violent diarrhea. 

Oh you're a "WWE Diva-in-Training," Brittany? Save yourself the hyphens because I believe the term is "escort."  If there's one thing that many of Chris's potential wives share it's a crippling fear of diarrhea.  

Jade, 28

If you could be any animal, what would you be?

An elephant. They are associated with wisdom and altruism. They are large in scale yet graceful. I love the matriarchy as well.

OK I like this one.  She could be subtly feminist, which means that she'll be cut on night 1.  

Jordan, 24

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be?

Britney Spears because she's awesome!

If you really wanted to impress a man, what would you do?

Give him a sexy dance because it would turn him on and hopefully lead to more.

Dated and dumb—what a combo! 

Jeulia, 30

Can't live without: My tinted mineral sunscreen. 

That's pretty damn specific, huh? Well, I might say that I can't live without my mineral bronzer... so I shouldn't throw stones. Good luck, blonde prophet. 

Kaitlyn, 29

If you wanted to approach a man you'd never met before, how would you go about it?

I'd walk right up to him and just say, "Good, and you?"

You’re a nightmare. 

Nikki, 26

Former NFL Cheerleader 

What's your greatest achievement to date?

I have a few. First was working at Sally Hershberger, next was making the NY Jets Flight Crew, then it was signing with Wilhelmina Models.

That's funny, I thought the question asked for ONE. Also, what is your CURRENT job? This "former" stuff is total malarkey.  Or did she see how successful Josh was last season with his "former professional baseball player" act and she's trying to follow suit?  Better get some armpit tats if you want to be like last season's resident Kenny Powers! 

As usual, I'll be writing recaps on this here blog.  I can't wait to see what goes on with Chris and I'm hoping that we'll see a cameo from Prince Farming's best buddy Dylan!  (Yes, ABC is calling Chris "Prince Farming."  Just when you thought that the "on the wings of love" season was the corniest thing you had ever seen, it gets worse.) 

How I Met the Hottest Masshole from The Bachelorette: DYLAN!

Beloved Readers!  It has been a hot minute since I posted on there, and for that I am sorry. I must also confess that I haven’t even finished watching last week’s episode of STD Shack aka Bachelor In Paradise. This August has been a busy one, which is very different from my usual August routine of making regular trips to Coney Island Beach and pretending that I hate weather so hot that I must wear a tube top 16/7 (it would be 24/7, but who can sleep in a tube top?). 

From what I saw of last week’s BinP episode, Elise is a lil bit of a kookoo bird, Chris B. still walks like a duck (literally—that’s not a euphemism), and Robert’s nursing a broken heart (at the hands of a girl who is as overrated as One Direction—yeah, I said it!). 

BUT NONE OF THAT MATTERS. What matters is that a few days ago I had a face to face meeting and hang time with Dylan, the Boston accountant featured in Andi’s season of The Bachelorette and Bachelor In Paradise (as Elise’s major crush).  If you recall, during The Bachelorette, I was pulling him for day one and not just because he’s a stocky hottie—also because he’s a Masshole.  I’ve been writing recaps of The Bachelor franchise for years—it’s how I got my book deal.  This here blog has gotten a lot of hits from Bachelor Nation and a month or two back, a sweet girl on twitter (Amy Ciulla!) pointed @dylanpetitt (the aforementioned Dylan) to my blog and he read my recap. He agreed with America that my reality TV recaps are friggity whack hilarious.  He then started following me on twitter and I followed him, which enables us to send Direct Messages to each other.  It’s like a sad version of Tinder up in here!

I sent Dylan a note and said that I was pulling for him and I thought he navigated reality TV really well—he seemed genuine and real and never said anything too inflammatory, which was smart.  He wrote back and was very nice and we had a few friendly messages back and forth.  I mentioned that I do standup comedy and I had some shows coming up in Boston during late August.  I told him the dates and he said he’d be interested in attending, so I said that I’d remind him as the date approached. 

If you read my book, you know that I have “lovingly stalked” reality TV hotties before (see "Chapter 4, Rule: Don’t Date a Guy or Gal Who is As Hair Obsessed As You Are" from The New Rules for Blondes to hear the Constantine Maroulis saga) and I always get my man (if by “get my man” you mean, meet the guy and plead for a photo with him).  Now I am two-for-two with reality TV hotties, as I invited Dylan out to a Boston standup show and he actually showed up, plus I scored a photo with him.

A few days before my Thursday night show at SweetwaterTavern, I sent Dylan a reminder and I said that I could get him and a friend into the show for free. Unlike the jag who stood me up on New Year’s Eve 2001 (you can read that tale of woe in my book, too), Dylan is a man of his word and he showed up at Sweetwater Tavern on Thursday night with two pals in tow. The show was fantastic—packed room, awesome line-up, some free beer—great times. I was last on the line-up and I was really happy with my set (some might say that I “friggin’ murdered” and some would be completely right). After the show, my pals and I had a nice chat with Dylan and his buddies about growing up around Boston, Boston nightlife, Southie vs. Eastie, comedy, and The Bachelorette. To answer the question that I have gotten a few times, no, I did not maneuver him into a corner and shove my tongue down his throat.  I’m not 25 anymore, so I don’t need to kiss every cute guy I meet (but weren’t those the days, friends?). 

It was a lot of fun to meet a guy who I had jokingly mocked/rooted for/adored on TV and make him laugh. He was even gracious enough to pose for about a dozen photos with me. His friend was willing to snap a photo of me and sweet Dyl Dyl inside the bar, but when I looked at the photo it wasn’t so great, so I asked him to pose for another one outside.  Yes, I can be shameless when it comes to capturing a good picture.  A few years ago I had the lady at the Brooklyn DMV retake my license photo four times—sometimes you just gotta get it right (though he warned, those DMV ladies will NOT be happy with you). 

What did I learn from all of this, pussycats?

I you can dream it, you can achieve it (provided that your “dream” is to meet a reality TV personality who lives in your hometown and enjoys standup comedy and drinks).  If I had put half as much energy into my academics when I was a teenager as I do into my reality TV crushes in adulthood, I could have gone to friggin’ Yale. Without further ado, I give you a photographic record of the time I met the hottest Masshole from The Bachelorette…

Our first photo together. We were so young and foolish! 

Photo #2 is when we loosened up around each other. 

Finally, we settled into a rhythm of love. This one will make a great engagement photo,
don't you think?

Bachelorette Andi Recap Ep 7: Mussels and Muscles in Brussels!

Last night Andi clipped the crew of dudes from 6 down to 4 and made me wonder, "what has she got against beefcakes who are most likely Irish Catholic?"  But let's not get ahead of ourselves.

The gang was in Brussels, Belgium and Andi had enough bulky ponchos for everyone, though most of the men favored lightweight scarves (WHY?) and Dylan rocked a tiny ponytail (which took some getting used to... but I can dig it... mostly because sweet Dyl Dyl wore it).  Chris Harrison greeted the half dozen hotties and had a big brother-style talk (the family relationship, not the TV show) about this, the week before hometown dates (or as Bach Nation calls them, "HOMETOWNS").  They learned that that this week's activities would include two 1:1 dates (no roses up for grabs) and a group date (with 1 rose on the table) and before we know it, Marcus (good abs, blah everything else) is off for a 1:1 date with Andi.

Andi and Marcus chow on chocolates, mussels, and a sundae, plus take a selfie.  When they are sharing mussels, Marcus talks about how he has been journaling about his feelings. I don't mean to sound like your elementary school gym teacher here ("quit being a pansy!") and it's totally cool to write stuff down and make sense of it, but the gerund form of the word journal gives me wicked dumb chills. What else gives me dumb chills? When Andi tells Marcus, "I'm glad you're a good eater!" Umm, are you on a date with a guy or a tiny baby?

That night, Marcus and Andi get dressed up and have dinner in a castle, where Marcus speaks openly about his family.  It gets a little heavy: his father walked out, his mother was abused and then abused Marcus and his siblings, there was some major abandonment there, but now it's all good. Andi then comforts Marcus with the best line out of Good Will Hunting:



As Marcus explains that he and his mother have a fantastic relationship now, Andi switches from Good Will Hunting to Oprah as she asks when he had his "aha moment" with her. Enough pop psychology, Ombre DA! Andi and Marcus make out on the street and his chances of scoring a hometown date are looking good. Hey, I guess those killer abs are worth something.

That night, smug weirdo Nick is in the hotel suite and he's having a really hard time hearing about Marcus's date with Andi, you guys.  It's really hard FOR HIM to deal with this (cause it isn't for ever other guy there, dude?), so he sneaks off to see Andi.  I guess that's cool and all is fair in love and war...but I just can't dig this guy.  Nick walks to the front desk (camera crew in tow!) where he lies and says that Andi Dorfman is his wife and he forgot what room they are staying in, plus he needs a key.  Security at that Brussels hotel is sketchier than Josh's claims that he has nothing to hide, so the front desk clerk promptly hands him a key to room 207.  This romance is TERRIFYING! He shows up at her door, they go for a walk, Nick fidgets like a drug addict, and they make out against a tree.  Andi says that she and Nick have a passionate relationship that is "so hot."

Back in the suite, a ponytailed Dylan (who strangely resembles John Belushi's Samurai character with that tiny pony) asks the guys, "are you girls ready?" (OMG kid is hilarious and so friggin' Mass), then reads the next date card and the lucky guy is Josh (aka Pretty Boy Kenny Powers).

Josh and Andi explore Gent, Belgium and Josh can't keep his filthy paws off her, which she mistakes for genuine love from him. They stumble upon a clown marching band who are parading ducks through town and Josh pretends to find it hilarious and whimsical, but you can tell he's choking back a cry of "NEEEEERDS!" They eat lunch outside and while stone faced, Josh insists that he has feelings for her. I almost expected him to follow up with, "wait--that's my line, right?"  That night, Andi breaks out leather pants (casual rocker look--mama likes!) and Josh says, "it's not a 'too good to be true' thing" and he's referring to himself. His humility is inspiring.  Later, poker face Josh says that he's falling in love with Andi, but I don't believe it at all.  Andi is elated, saying, "this is real" but girl, this is about as real as the GUCCI purse that I bought on the street in Venice during study abroad.  Then we hear string music coming from outside the castle and as they walk through a stone doorway, Josh pulls Andi in for a kiss and they make out hard while lit from behind and seemingly standing in front of a fog machine. Is this The Bachelorette or an 80s music video?  They walk down to a performance by American Young (who?) who are singing, "sometimes love is war" which feels apt since Josh's "love" is a lot like the Iraq War: lead by an arrogant southerner and founded on lies. Aww snap Selena just got political!  More info here, if you are interested.  Josh and Andi dance on a platform and Josh claims that he's excited, but it has nothing to do with Andi--he just loves flashing his so-white-they're-almost-blue teeth and waxed eyebrows at America.

The next day is a group date for Dylan (rad!), Brian (nice!), Chris (hubba hubba!) and Nick (blech).  Nick is THRILLED that this is the final group date (he says this and the other guys just stare at him-HA!) but will he be thrilled to discover that the date is crawling on ruins then eating cheese cubes on sacred ground (at a working monastery) where they can't kiss? Maybe he will, maybe he won't, either way he'll be weird. Chris and Andi secret off a pottery studio that Andi calls a "pottery barn" (super subtle product placement?) where they re-enact Ghost and friggin' KISS! Is the pottery barn not sacred ground? Who usually makes out in that room? Monks? Is that room ever used for pottery, or only for make outs?

Andi sits down with the crew and informs them that 1 lucky guy will get a rose on this date and he will stay on for dinner while the other 3 losers drive home like a clown car full of rejects. The guys freak out and pull out all the stops: Dylan says that his family is excited to meet Andi, Brian says that he's falling in love, Nick says that he knew there was a catch and "I hate being right." Oh really? I feel like you love it, smug prick.

Finally, the cheese cubes are eaten, the sun has set, and it's rose-giving time.  Andi says that she wants the honor of meeting this guy's family and the guy is Nick.  Oh Andi, in the wise words of Sean Lowe's sister during his season, DO NOT pick the contestant who everybody else in the house hates.  Let me remind you of some of Nick's company in that role:

Courtney, whose catchphrase was stolen
 from Charlie Sheen: WINNING.

Nikki, whose roots were the thing to watch
 during her season.

This mountain man psychopath who was on
Ashley's season--they found him living under a tree stump. 

Vienna, a girl named after a city that no one in her family has ever visited.

The guys who are actually hot strut away and Brian calls it "a kick between the teeth" but I suspect he means a kick in the teeth (who has small enough feet or a big enough gap between teeth for Brian's phrase?).  Nick and Andi flutter about their impending Milwaukee trip and I'll give Nick a single compliment: I like that he intimidates Josh.  Le fin.

The my DVR skipped ahead and I missed the dude fight back at the suite. WHY!? I hate technology! The episode picked up at a key moment, though: Just as Andi (dressed in a ball gown last seen on DYNASTY) arrived at a mansion to send 2 weepy hotties back to Small Town, USA.  But before she could start throwing elbows, Andi made out with Chris ("you go, farmer" -Andi), Nick interrupted Brian's 1:1 time (even though he already had a rose! As my pal Mara Herron would say, SIT DOWN (and I mean that metaphorically, not literally and YES I will use double parens here!)), Dylan tried unsuccessfully to be emotionally vulnerable, and Josh acted obnoxious.

Finally, Andi lined up the dudes and then started in on a monologue that reminded me a lot of America's Next Top Model ("Six hotties stand before me--I'm sorry--5 hotties and a Smug Recovered Nerd Named Nick stand before me...") then she started handing out the roses.  Nick already had one, but who else scored a hometown date?
-Josh (aka Less Jacked Gaston)
-Marcus (Get ready to talk abandonment, Andi!)
-Chris (farmer man seemed shocked).

So Brian and Dylan, two wholesome guy's guys from the northeast were sent packing.  They both hugged Andi goodbye and told her that she deserves the best, which made me love them both even MORE since that's what my ex-boyfriend Ryan (the handsome redneck who drove a truck with a lift and used to play pro hockey... it's like a recipe for hotness...) said to me when we broke up. Andi cries and Dylan says, "I definitely deserve to fall in love again." Yes you do, handsome Masshole! It's NOT YOUR FAULT!

Next week are hometown dates but a more important issue is at hand: who can introduce me to Dylan?

Bachelorette Andi Recap Ep 5: Miming in Marseille

After suffering through the withdrawal symptoms of life sans Bachelorette for 2 weeks (shakes, night sweats, pondering what "the right reasons" are to willingly make out in front of TV cameras), last night ABC gave us a fix in the form of Andi and her 11 remaining suitors in Marseille, France.  Marseille is a quaint city known for its waterfront, cobblestone streets,  and ability to make American men get into arguments.  It was like Fight Club last night, if the first rule of Fight Club were "one person must debate another person and that person #2 must seem wholly uninterested." EXCITING! 

Andi and her leather skirt (not doing anyone any favors) have a quick chat with Chris Harrison and his turtleneck (trying to go for a French look, no?) during which Chris asks Andi if she's in love.  She responds with her signature line, 

Oh, but we just getting STARTED! 

Jason (former pro baseball player who apparently hasn't done anything since retiring from the Myrtle Beach Mermen) gets his first one-on-one and guy is touchy-feely like he's a 12 year old boy on his first PG-13 movie date.  Andi and Jason walk around Marseille then board a boat (cue signature Bachelor boast music!) where they snuggle, canoodle, and talk about the most important thing in Jason's life: his failed pro ball career. The boat takes them to The Calanques, a mountainous island, where they disembark for cocktails and more flirting.  They talk about traveling but somehow the conversation ends up back on his pro ball career.  Jason sure loves talking about a job that he held from ages 17-22.  To adopt Jason's style, let me regale you, dear readers, with stories of my summer temp jobs—those faxes weren't about to send themselves!  I got paper cuts all the time!  I had to wear pantyhose in the summertime and everybody knows that nobody wears pantyhose anymore! 

That night Andi and Pretty Boy Kenny Powers clean up and eat dinner at Palais Longchamp (named after the bland bag that is somehow fashionable, I'm sure).  

Hi! I'm boring! 

Over "dinner" (wine) they discuss infidelity, exes, and the repercussions of his pro ball career.  After that, Jason and Andi get a private concert from Ben Fields who is apparently a musician and yet not Ben Folds (Five?). Where DO they find these people?  I don't mean to judge Jason based on his good looks and waxed eyebrows, but umm…. F off, pretty boy ball player.  Jason scores a rose.  

Meanwhile, back the house, JJ (Pantsapreneur), Nick (slow burn front runner who has gotten a bit smug), Marquel (playful hottie), and Brian (coach who is always in coach mode) talk about Andrew (black sheep of the season for scoring a hostess's digits and generally being a snake) and JJ says that in the first rose ceremony, Andrew referred to Marquel and Ron (the two black guys in the contest) as "blackies."  Ooof. That's super messed up, but I hope that JJ heard that correctly because that's a pretty bold assertion. Marquel  talks about how he feels and we have a pretty unprecedented moment for The Bach franchise: This show, which has been widely derided for its lack of diversity gives the lone remaining black suitor a soap box to talk about how it feels.  It was an intriguingly real and candid moment for a TV program that is mostly fluff.  

But before we solve racial bias on The Bachelorette, it's time for some WHITEFACE because the group date activity is MIMING! Is there anything more stereotypically French than that?  What's the next group date, bicycling around the countryside while toting baguettes, smoking Gauloises, and rolling over to German invasion real quick?  A mime teacher (the only one in whiteface) instructs the gang about the ins and outs of miming, they suit up (stripes and suspenders!), and then they take their exaggerated moves to the street. Cody (Macklemore on Roids) makes a miming/Snoop Dogg joke, Marquel makes a baby cry, Nick sulks, JJ acts weird, and people of France hate the entire display (of COURSE they do).  I haven't seen a Bachelorette activity as corny as miming since the time when Emily and Jef put on a marionette show (and yes, everything about that sentence is sad. I'm like a Bach Encyclopedia over here.)

That night at the cocktail party Cody tells Nick that he's smug and arrogant (truth) and Nick acts as such.  Andi can feel the tension through her turtleneck and sparkly, white miniskirt and she discusses the house dynamics with a few men.  Chris and Cody are the 2 nicest guys in the house and they tell Andi that Nick's a bit of a prick, which must mean that he's a real jerk.  Andi confronts Nick and he owns up to being mean spirited (RED FLAG) then reads her a poem that he probably bought off a 6th grade boy with its repetitive structure and juvenile tone. Nonetheless, Andi kisses him and teases him for "causing a ruckus in my mind." Huh/blech.  

Marquel calmly confronts Andrew about Blackie-gate and Andrew denies everything, saying that he would never say such a thing and he's being set up. JJ sits there and doesn't admit that he's the one who shared this information, then later he gets a rose because the rewards system on The Bachelorette is illogical and crazy!  Nick feels defeated and looks sad, which is a look that I love to see on a previously smug face. 

Finally it's Brian's turn to get a one-on-one and their date is dinner and a movie, which Brian says is his favorite thing (and I believe him).  They watch The 100 Foot Journey and we watch them watch it, so we are in effect watching a commercial for this flick (in addition to the multiple actual commercials for this flick).  We get beaten down with metaphors about food, love, and memories as we watch Andi and Brian grocery shop after the film.  They head to her apartment where they cook and Brian stiffens up because he doesn't know how to cook.  The Bachelorette producers must have been hard up for drama (was 2 arguments not enough in this episode?) because they craft Brian's kitchen cluelessness as a major plot point and insinuate that Andi might eliminate him because he can't cook.  They sit down to eat the frogs' legs that Andi cooked and the food is awful, so they go out to dinner. Holy romantic comedy trope!  At dinner, Brian admits that he was feeling self-conscious and not confident, but he regains his swagger over beer and leads Andi into an industrial kitchen for a hot make out.  Not so scared of kitchens anymore, are ya,  Coach?  Brian scores a rose.   

The next night it's cocktail party/rose ceremony time, but Andi vetoes the cocktail party.  She's rocking a seriously textured fishtail braid with some great volume and she's made up her mind.  Chris Harrison informs the posse that Andi will be sending 3 guys home and there will be no cocktail party.  Patrick refers to this as "devastating news" but it's probably most devastating to HIM, since all I know about him as of now is that he has slicked back hair and thinks that miming is hard.  

The boys line up for the elimination ceremony—I mean, rose ceremony—and Josh, JJ, and Brian already have roses from their respective dates.  Who is safe this week? 

-Marcus (he's nerdy but has great abs, which brings him back to zero) 

-Nick (Who can resist a smug guy who writes bad poetry? EVERYBODY except Andi?)

-Chris (I adore the Iowa farmer and yes, I think his tractor's sexy) 

-Dylan (You know it! He's handsome, easygoing, friendly, charming, and I'd like to see him in swim trunks a lil bit more please) 

-Cody (Macklemore on Roids lives to see another week! I'm just as shocked as he is!) 

So who is "hopping on a plane back to the U.S.A. that night" according to Chris Harrison (though we know the truth—those poor rejects will be stuck in a hotel killing time for another week or two at least)?  

-Andrew (snake in the grass slithers off. Who will the remaining guys hate on NOW?) 

-Marquel (super handsome, fun guy but he and Andi didn't seem to have a romantic spark) 

-Patrick (about as interesting as a vanilla ice cream cone on a cold day)

Next week our crew of 8 guys and Andi travel to Venice where they encounter boats, lie detectors, and tears!  

Bachelorette Andi Recap Eps 3 + 4: I've Overdosed on Bach

Last night I burned through two, 2 hour episode of The Bachelorette, which is more time looking at Andi's myriad dresses than the duration of Lord of the Rings (though a good Bach franchise nickname would be Lord of the Rings -- Neil Lane diamond rings!).  I'm going to try to keep this 2 episode recap from going on too long.  Let's dive in!

Sunday's episode has Andi and the Boyz in Santa Barbara (home to my namesake, Selena McKinley! Contrary to popular belief, I was NOT named after the Latina Sensation!) where they'll have 2 one-on-one dates and a group date.

Nick (formerly "Nick V.") scores a date and Andi slowly "makes him a believer" (as she says repeatedly), though Andrew doubts that Nick "believes in the process." It's rich to hear a forgettable sleaze like Andrew trump the virtues of this "process."  Nick and Andi ride bikes around Santa Barbara, hike, drink wine, and bask in the evening light known as the "magic hour." (I went on a date with a filmmaker recently--can you tell? I'm droppin' JARGON like I dropped his ass after a few dates! If he's reading this, I'm just being playful! I'm not evil, I swear!)  Over dinner, Nick reveals that he was engaged once and the failure of that relationship took him down a peg. He mentions his theory on love (that there isn't one star-crossed love of a lifetime for each person, but rather that you pick the person you want to be with and you work through inevitable challenges as a team) and suddenly I don't want to mock his short pants so much anymore. Dude scores a rose.

Up next is a group date and the dudes think that they are going to be singing karaoke (what is this, The Bachelorette: Japan Edition? HONK!) but instead, they get private singing lessons from Boys II Men (those Motownphilly royalties aint what they used to be, huh?) then perform in a live concert!  Opera Man Bradley thinks he's got this group date in the bag, but unfortunately laying on the vibrato while singing "I'll Make Love To You" is the opposite of sexy.  The guys absolutely butcher the song as Boys II Men look on and wince.  I wish they had done a rendition of a deeper cut from Boys II Men--maybe some "Water Runs Dry" or "On Bended Knee" for the lovers?

At the after party Andi rocks a gorgeous, 1 shoulder pink dress and has some sweet moments with the guys.  She teases Cody (Macklemore on Roids), tells Marcus that her favorite color is black, which makes him smile mischeviously (can we cut it with the racial allusions?), and has an awkward conversation with Eric during which he basically asks her if he's special and she says no (in so many words).  She chats with master manipulator (and proud owner of 2 under bicep tattoos) Josh and the BS that he spews somehow charms Andi--he scores a rose.  (Andi girl, you're creating a monster!)

Up next JJ (the Pantsapreneur) gets a 1:1 and their "fun activity" is sitting through hours of hair and make-up to be made into old people, then walking around a park!  Apparently elderly people LOVE super short pants.  I hope that the Pantsapreneur took note!  That night they revert back to being late 20 somethings who are way too eager to get married and talk over wine.  JJ finally gets on my good side by sharing that he was bullied as a kid (stories of childhood sadness put you on the fast track to my heart) and calls himself a "quirky individual." Aww JJ, your self awareness is really endearing.  He wins a rose.

Oh, in the midst of all that, Ron (handsome dude, flying under the radar) gets a phone call that a good friend died and he leaves immediately.  Sorry, buddy, but props to you for jetting and not dragging out the exit.

Finally it's rose ceremony time Andi is looking amazing, as ever.  Andi and Eric are chatting alone when flowers from Nick are delivered to her ("I got cockblocked by a bouquet of flowers!" -Eric).  JJ and Josh confront Andrew about how he got the phone number off a restaurant hostess a few days after filming started and Andrew runs away like a chickenshit.  When he emerges from his hiding place, Andrew is reading to play the victim, calling JJ and Josh "low lifes"(sorry, low lives? What am I supposed to do with that?) and saying that he was simply handed her digits without asking (life is so hard when you're ridiculously good looking--or even when you're average looking, like Andrew).  Bachelor Nation, we have this season's villain, Andrew, and he didn't come here to make friends!

Line 'em up and knock 'em down cause it's rose ceremony time!  Nick, Josh, and JJ are safe.  What's the run down?
-Marcus (dude revealed some SICK abs this episode)
-Brian (basketball coach is authentic and sweet)
-Marquel (he's hilarious and dresses well)
-Tasos (sweet guy, but I don't see Andi connecting with him that well)
-Cody (Macklemore on Roids lives to see another week!)
-Patrick (slicked hair might want to develop a personality one of these days)
-Chris (Iowa farmer gets hotter by the episode--I don't care if he has a personality or not)
-Eric the Explorer (who strikes me as a bit naive)
-Dylan (Boston sweetie showed off a cute cross necklace this episode! Take me on a date to Kelly's Roast Beef, you Masshole Magic Man!)
-Andrew (you gotta keep the villain around to stir it up!)

So Brett the hairdresser (aka Poor Man's Jason Burke) and Bradley (Opera Man) are getting the boot.

Hold up, WE AINT DONE YET!  Chug some gatorade because we still have 2 more hours of BACH!

Now we're down to 13 dudes and 1 lucky Andi. They head east to Connecticut (specifically, the favorite touring stop of C list bands and reunion tours, the Mohegan Sun Casino) and Dylan gets the first 1:1.  Dylan and Andi board a steam train and finally get some private time as they travel along the Connecticut River.  Am I the only one who had flashbacks to Good Will Hunting (when Will sits in the window of the Red Line above ground) as we watched Dylan's unemotional countenance sit in front of the train window?

Oh Boston, how I love you and all your people.  Over dinner that night, Dylan reveals that his sister and brother both died from drugs within the past 4 years and speaks about it candidly. Andi is thrilled that Dylan finally opened up and gives him a rose while insisting it's not a pity rose.  I think it's not--it's a "dude you are HOT and you hail from the greatest state in the union" rose.


Up next is a basketball group date and Andi is rocking some cute high heeled sneakers (this trend is finally growing on me.  Sorry for ragging on it for so long, Laurel).  The guys play against WNBA players who cream them without even trying (hell yeah!), then play some five-on-five among themselves to have a better skills match.  Brian's basketball coaching skills pay off, as the Rosebuds win handily.  The 5 Hearts are sent home right after the game.  Sorry, Josh, Tasos, Chris, Patrick, and JJ.  Go get on the away game bus back to your room.  That night, Andi wears a rocker chic leather dress and chats with the guys.  Brian takes her back to the court and make a basket from center court, then doesn't lean in for a kiss (get a clue, kid!) and Eric continues to kvetch that it's too formal and he doesn't feel special anymore (and slowly reveal that perhaps his constant adventure travel is overcompensation for a lack of personality? Just a theory.)  Despite the fact that he has ZERO game, Brian gets a rose.

Marcus and Andi have a one-on-one date and by this point in the night, I was holding onto my sanity by a thread but those two crazy lovebirds were holding on tight because they were rappelling down the side of the Mohegan Sun Hotel & Casino!  What will these producers think of next?  Apparently nothing, since rappelling comes up every damn season!  They make it to the bottom (thanks to Marcus's paternalistic cries of "trust yourself" and "don't look down") then have dinner at an old inn where Marcus talks about the abrupt break up of his last relationship.  He gets a rose and they wander into a country concert where John Pardi croons while they dance and smooch on an elevated platform.  (If I were John Pardi, my go-to line would be "PARTY is my last name! Well, it's actually a homophone, but seriously I love to party!")

Finally it's cocktail party time and we're in the home stretch of this Bach night that is longer than The Wolf of Wall Street (minus the Quaaludes).  Andi's in a killer gold dress and the guys get to work, with Tasos pulling her aside, Brian finally getting the courage to kiss her, and Marquel cracking jokes.  Eric seeks alone time with Andi and says that he thinks they are "stalled" because SHE is holding back and not revealing herself (great work on the psychological projection, guy! Freud would be so proud!). He says that she is being a TV actress with a poker face, which prompts some pretty expressive faces from Andi as she rips into him then sends him home. It really seemed like he was needling her and only when she was upset did he claim that he was seeing "the real" Andi.  Dudes: If there is one thing that you can learn from that scene it is that you should NEVER claim to know a woman better than she knows herself. It's super manipulative, crummy, and insulting. Eric hops in a cab.

We don't get a rose ceremony after that scene, as I'm sure that Andi and the producers didn't want to have any further negativity in Eric's final episode.  I can't imagine how exhausting it must be to be at the center of the franchise and while Andi got pretty upset and angry at Eric, I think her reasoning was valid.  Overall, he seemed pretty obtuse.

So Tasos left without ceremony (rose or otherwise) and it wasn't a shocker--he and Andi never seemed to have much in common.  In the coming weeks we'll see Andi trim the fat (I'm looking at you, Patrick, Marquel, and Macklemore on Roids) and hone in on serious contenders.  Because ABC likes to keep us on our toes, next week there will be NO BACH (try to make it through by rolling around on a bed filled with print outs of my past Bach recaps) but we'll be back in 2 weeks with some international travel and, no doubt, footage of dudes in swimsuits.

Talk to you then, Bachelor Nation! #TeamDylan