Bachelorette Clare Ep 3: Tunnel Vision

In Bachelor Nation, we like to joke that Chris Harrison claims that THIS SEASON is the most dramatic season yet and he says that EVERY SEASON but THIS time around, he might be right. 

I don't think I quite have it in me to write a traditional recap (general Pandy Times anxiety, weird tension I have had in my neck and calf since early voting started, my personal worry that I'll have to wait in line 3.5 hours to vote--the standard time at my polling place--and won't have access to a bathroom at all) SO, I'll just share my hot takes with you, dear reader. 

YOSEF 

Oh dude, fuck you. Fuuuuck you. As of this episode, Yosef has attended 2 pre-rose ceremony cocktail parties and he has completely derailed each one.  He approaches Clare looking for a fight (which is always a bad look and a style of engagement that truly makes me fearful of the guy), demands an audience with her, then trots out his prepared remarks about the strip dodgeball game (an activity that he DID NOT DO! He was not on that date! And THIS is why! Producers actually DO pay attention to who will enjoy what date activity).  He says how this experience is so hard for him BECAUSE HE HAS A DAUGHTER and ever moment he is in Palm Springs, he is not with his daughter.  Yes, that is how time works, guy.  EVERYONE left their lives behind for this and you don't have any MORE important or worthy things that you are missing than anyone else does.  If you feel like this is a waste of time, you can bounce!  You don't need to ream Clare out for some BIG, TRIUMPHANT exit.  Because it may be big, but it's not triumphant.  Every sentence he said came off as needlessly cruel and VERY angry.  He strikes me as a guy who is unhappy with his own life choices and he can't bring himself to look inward, so he lashes out at others, and, specifically, at women.  I can't wait to see if they do a MEN TELL ALL special and the way that this guy shows his face in public again. 

He says "remember, you're almost 40, Clare" and makes repeated snide comments that she's THE OLDEST BACHELORETTE EVER as if that's something to be ashamed off.  Men like him, when scared, will always fall back on the standard misogyny insult line: she's old, she's crazy.  He taps into a major insecurity ("everyone here is just appeasing you") and essentially gets chased out by the other men--men who are gentlemen and all say that he was out-of-line and completely inappropriate.  My heart really went out to Clare as she was fighting with Yosef--that argument got DIRTY and MEAN and I know how it feels to be completely ON YOUR OWN and you have to defend yourself to a grown man who is screaming at you and insulting you.  It's terrifying.  

After all that, Dale comforts Clare especially well, and of course he does: he has 4 sisters and was raised by women!  Honestly, dudes like that are usually SUPER perceptive to how a woman might be feeling.  Throughout the episode, Dale refers to "verbal abuse" and the way those insults stay on your mind and leave scars and I was screaming, "YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT, DALE!"  More on Dale later. 

Worth noting: Riley knew that Yosef sucked from the start and was vocal that Yosef sucks.  Points for Riley. 

Clare goes away for a while to collect herself, then conducts a delayed rose ceremony that is pretty standard stuff.  Three guys are sent home: a dude with very tall hair, a guy with a sorta snake-ish look, and Garin, college Professor (USC!) and journalist who I have been rooting for because he seems super solid and his Instagram is lovely.  What a loss! 

Throughout this episode, things didn't run on schedule--did you notice that as a recurring theme?  The rose ceremony was LATE at night b/c of the Yosef drama. Then the next day, a crew of guys are ready to go for a daytime group date and they are given NO information on when they will be leaving, so are stuck waiting in the living room, "ready to go" for HOURS!  Finally Clare shows up and is like, "we'll just do a cocktail party, OK?"  Why not tell them that hours back?  Dudes could nap or chill or swim!  

While the dudes were stuck waiting around, Clare and DeAnna (former Bachelorette 12 years back) chat about the guys and Clare is ALL DALE, ALL DAY.  Normally these "look, we're friends!" conversations happen, and the protagonist will gush over a few of the guys, plus DeAnna might have a chance to hang out with them poolside.  But instead, Clare talks about how it was love-at-first-sight with Dale, how she sleeps with his pants over her face (I AM NOT KIDDING), and mentions no one else in the harem of dudes. 

At the start of the group date that night, Dale gives a semi-patronizing speech (which Riley hilariously calls a "Band of Brothers" speech) and initiates a group hug and it all just feels like, dude are you a fellow contestant here or are you the new Chris Harrison?  I think that Dale IS smart about how people are feeling and he's attempting to create a feeling of community BUT it's not his job to do that, it sorta usurps Clare's position, and it's condescending as hell to the other guys! 

Clare and Dale walk off hand-in-hand to talk ("just 5 minutes!" Dale had claimed) and rather than remaining in the outdoor area on a bench or something, they go off TO HER PLACE and, specifically, to her BEDROOM for ALMOST AN HOUR.  ALMOST AN HOUR!! Good Lord!  Look, I am a Bachelor die-hard and I waste SO much brain space with stupid minutiae about this damn franchise, its traditions and characters, but this is not OK and not normal.  YET ALSO I can totally get why Clare is falling for Dale so hard!  He is super handsome but more than that, he's supportive, thoughtful, and tender with her.  For many, many years I dated so many dudes and casual dating, or even not-so-casual dating can leave you defensive and lonely.  I got stood up a few times, insulted, ghosted, mislead, and humiliated and it really made me defensive toward ANY guy, which made it even harder to let a good one in.  So when you find a good one and he serves up the catnip of "I'm proud of you" and "I have your back," you're going to jump in HARD.  BUT I wish that Clare had a bit more confidence in herself, which I think would enable her to appreciate Dale's affection, but also keep DALE on his toes by flirting with and paying attention to the other men.  

I blame the destruction of this season on 2 things: Clare and The Producers.  Clare is off-the-rails, never seemed to have a fully open mind and open heart to non-Dale participants, and she is being disrespectful to these guys who left a lot back at home to be here (you still suck, though, Yosef).  And The Producers aren't wrangling her well enough. Dates are running late or not even happening and the Bachelorette is wandering off for hours at a time.  This season is difficult and unprecedented: they are stuck at this resort and really cannot GO anywhere, DO anything, or interact with other people, so I have sympathy for how the team behind the show is SCRAMBLING and dealing with unpredictable issues. That said, the Producers need to control this and force Clare to spend more time with each guy.  I felt like Chris Harrison talking with Clare 1:1 (start of episode) and DeAnna talking to her were moves to try and get a sense of WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? 

Once the other guys on the group date pried Clare and Dale apart, some guys started having 1:1 time with her and then we see a clip of Clare asking the Producers, "can we kind hurry the rest along?" which is a BAD LOOK for Clare, and very duplicitous of the show to air (so, par for the course).  I think that the show wants to expose Clare at this point.  During Jojo's season, they were able to sort of hide Jojo's obvious crush on Jordan because Jojo had SOME interest in the other guys. With Clare, the Producers can't hide it b/c Clare talks about Dale constantly.  

Riley, Eazy, Chasen, and Jason all gave Dale some grief for how he behaved and I appreciate those guys for it.  Jason went FULL LONG ISLAND when he literally said, "you think you're better than me?" to Dale and flipped off the camera.  Jason, are you sure you're from Long Island and not Boston?? 

The next day, Zach J. (aka FART BOX) has a 1:1 date and it's hard to watch because he's so hopeful and naive.  Gosh this season has SO MANY additional, odd layers happening and it's FASCINATING to watch and keeps the franchise fresh and unpredictable, but it's truly VERY cruel to these men.  Zach J. comes off as very sweet and likable during this date, if a bit simple?  They get pedicures, Clare reveals that she's not at all ticklish (weird?), then they go swimming and KISSGATE goes down.  Lord did you see that bizarro kiss attempt/abort?? They were swimming and Clare went to get out of the pool and leaned in to kiss Zach J and she leaned in 80% toward him and I expected him to pop up that last 20% but he just STOOD THERE and did NOTHING, so Clare high-tailed it outta there in a cloud of uncomfortable giggles and "let's get ready for dinner" requests.  Again, and I DO feel bad for Clare here as she navigate these feelings, but when you aren't just relaxed and curious about a guy, but rather feeling a bit wounded or defensive or unexcited, then you take a chance like leaning in for a kiss, it makes the perceived rejection TEN TIMES WORSE.  Oh man I have walked this road.  My old roommate Liz used to tell me that I had a tendency to perceive EVERYTHING as rejection (and then she handed me START WHERE YOU ARE by Pema Chodron and saved my life) and I see Clare doing there here, too, somewhat.  

I think that Clare is feeling wounded by a few of the men and she perceives Dale as her supportive, safe place to land, and all of the other guys are just collateral damage. 

Of course, there IS no dinner after all.  Poor Fart Box gets cleaned up and then sits there waiting for Clare to arrive for diner, but Chris Harrison shows up and sends him home instead.  Again, UNPRECEDENTED.  I don't think that Chris has EVER doing the sending home in this way.  I would think that it's a breach of contract, to be specific.  And that leads me to the end of this show/season: I think the issue ends up being that by disregarding the other men and not participating in many dates and such, Clare is breaching her contract with ABC.  And my hunch is that while she WANTS to simply be with Dale, she ends up being upset when Chris Harrison/the Producers are like, "we cannot continue this season and you are breaching your contract."  

The back half of this episode features a Bachelorette Roast (with guest star Margaret Cho who RULES) during which, every guy GOES IN ON Dale (who is in the audience since they are all trapped in this bonkers hellscape resort) but no one goes in harder than Old Timey Oil Baron, Bennett.  Bennett KILLED me here!  Way to go, dude.  You're more than just a Harvard jag! 

In a move that we standups call "every bachelorette party who shows up at a comedy show," Clare insists that she wants the guys to "come at me with some good material" then leaves the show practically in tears.  She feels defensive for Dale over all those roast jokes and then refers to him as her "fiancee" to Producers and I thiiiiink we're done here.  During the afterparty, Clare spends the entire night asking each non-Dale guy what they think of Dale and the guys are finally seeing the writing on the wall and are understandably pissed.  Well, everyone sees it except for Bennett who talks to Boy Band Manager Kenny (does Kenny own a single shirt that isn't open to his belly button??) and he insists that, "No, no, Clare is open to us!  She has an open heart."  Oh Bennett--you're that classic dude who is book smart but real world DUMB.  Not everything is a theoretical construct to be studied abstractly--some things are FELT and just perceived, if you have the skills to do so.  

Clare and her yellow, sparkly dress sit there among the guys and she clutches the date rose at a bizarrely high height (eye line for the camera I guess?), but Clare opts NOT TO GIVE IT TO ANY OF THEM, saying that they didn't give her QUITE what she needed that night and PLEASE JUST MAKE IT STOP!! My heart is breaking for ALL of these guys, even dolt Bennett!! 

In a clip that will be used for generations to come as an example of the extreme danger of excessive self-love, Clare then does a talking head clip in which she PRESENTS THE ROSE TO HERSELF and is proud of herself for loving herself or not accepting bad treatment or some other such slight that she has convinced herself is happening, even though every guy there WANTED to treat her right and be with her, but she wouldn't let them.  It's a fascinating thing to watch, the way that people craft a narrative for who they are and how they get treated, and process every moment or interaction through that lens.  Perception is reality, baby, and if you are convinced that every guy is no good and doing you wrong, then, well, every guy will be no good and do you wrong.  

Next Tuesday, the shit goes down on The Bachelorette (to say nothing of the Presidential election) and I won't be watching until Wednesday because my BF and I are going out for his birthday that Tue.  My BF is the Dale to my Clare, ya know?  Hahaha what a bad metaphor!  

So the episode ends with Chris Harrison telling Clare that she blew up The Bachelorette, Clare being kicked out of the resort (it seems?), and Bachelor all-star knockout rad chick TAYSHIA springing out of a pool in a bikini!!! 

THIS IS THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON EVER!!

Bachelorette Clare Ep 2: Too Much Too Soon!

Hello, lovebugs! 

I'm back but late with this recap.  But what is "late" really? I write these for fun! There's no deadline! 

OK anyhoo. Last night's episode of The Bachelorette was... very intense.  We are only on WEEK 2 and already, Clare is trying to dig up HEAVY duty childhood trauma out of Jason (poor guy), encouraging competitiveness among the men, and processing a lot of her own issues on TV.  I don't think all of this is BAD, per se, it's just intense and somewhat unprecedented. 

Clare and the Boyz are at their resort in Palm Springs and most of the date and challenges take place during the nighttime, I imagine, because it's just so damn hot and bright out there in the daytime. I give the Producers a lot of credit--they are somewhat limited in date activities because of the pandemic, and they get creative with the spaces they have.  

The first date is a group date and the crew is Riley (yes!), Jordan, Yosef (woof), Ivan (cute), Ben (also cute), Bennett (50-something oil baron posing as a single, 30-something), Zach C (is growing on me somehow?), Zach J (Fart Ring), and Dale (of course).  The date is all about Love Languages, so the boys and Clare (who is in heels and shorts which is a CLUTCH look) say words of affirmation, explore physical touch, and gifts. Not a bad afternoon! 

Clare is thrilled to hear all of these kind words from the guys (she stands on a bizarro indoor Juliet balcony and they compliment her from below which was odd) but the whole exercise felt like "too much too soon" which I suppose is a theme for this entire season.  

The funniest scene of the show had to be when the group date guys BOLTED back to their rooms to get gifts for Clare and the rest of the crew playfully mocked them from the pool.  Dale's pants ripped, Bennett got made fun of, Garin imitated a funny walk, and Easy makes everything so much fun. 

At the Love Language Group Date afterparty, Clare was rocking a blue, one strap dress with an exposed zipper in the back and what is it about an exposed zipper!? I love them so! She did the classic Bachelorette arrival, plop down among the guys, have a toast, talk about the day, and then everyone sort of sat there until she PRODDED one of the guys to grab her and take her away for 1:1 conversation.  Of all people, Old Timey Tycoon BENNETT stepped up to the plate (God bless) and they walked away, but after just a few moments, Clare asked him to sit tight so that she could go back to the crew and dress them down for not grabbing her!! GIRL!  What is going on here?  This is NOT a good look and here are my thoughts: 

1. This show JUST started. This was group date #1 and I think these guys aren't fully into "man against man" stuff right now. They are all psyched to be AMONG OTHER GUY after weeks and weeks of quarantining. Don't take it personally if they aren't stabbing one another in the back just yet! 

2. When you talk about how awkward things are, you make them more awkward, Clare. Instead of being like, "is someone going to grab me?" you could have kept a group conversation going, asked some questions to the guys. 

3. That whole incident made Clare seem difficult and a lil dramatic, to be honest. And I hate to say that b/c I really dig her, but I think she should let the guys dive in when they feel comfortable pulling her aside. No guy wants to be TOLD "come after me," ya know? 

So she yells at the guys and then gets her wish (Dale whisks her away for 1:1 make-out time) and POOR BENNETT!! Is the dude sitting on a couch somewhere being like, "is Clare coming back?" hahhahah! What a mess. 

Oh, before Dale takes her away, some of the guys chime in and Yosef (who sucks) says that Clare is "crazy to think" that they aren't into her. Pro Tip, Yosef: don't call a woman crazy. Calling women "crazy" or "psycho" is the most favorite move of awful men. Avoid it. And don't "speak for the group" either. 

Oh also, Clare talks about how she went on Juan Pablo's season of The Bachelor to escape an abusive relationship and that in telling off Juan Pablo at the end of that nightmarish season (nightmarish because Juan Pablo SUUUUUCKS), she found herself.  She and Riley have a super cute dance and he lands the group date rose. 

The next day is the first 1:1 and Jason is the man of the hour. He's the dude who wore a fake pregnancy stomach on the first night and who has an "exotic" Long Island/New Hampshire accent, whatever that is.  She asks him to write a letter to his younger self before their FIRST DATE and HOLY MOLY what is going on here!?! I am a BIG fan of therapy and have processed a lot of shame, trauma, life stuff with 3 different therapists over the years, but I do NOT think that a FIRST DATE is the time to dive into family issues, trauma, and shame. And definitely not a first date that is ON TELEVISION. Yiiii.  Jason handled everything beautifully, though, rolling with the punches of the date and being vulnerable.  Bravo, Jason!  I hope your parents don't disown you after you told all of America that their marriage is NOT healthy and that you sleep around to avoid vulnerability! 

The Forced Intimacy In Joshua Tree tour wraps up with Clare BURNING the dress that she wore when Juan Pablo sent her home from his season of The Bachelor 6 years ago and I can see why this is cathartic for Clare, but why is Jason even present for this!? So much of this date felt like closure exercises FOR CLARE. For his evening spent screaming into the void in Joshua Tree National Park, Jason got a rose. 

The next day is a Strip Dodgeball game group date and COULD SOMEONE PLEASE GET SOME HEALTHY BOUNDARIES AROUND HERE? The whole thing was "sweaty fun" and by that I mean, "somewhat humiliating for everyone involved" and that includes the guys NOT on the date! When the blue team returned to the suite, defeated and holding their dicks, the rest of the guys had to sit with them and watch the throw pillows get covered in dick sweat. What is going on here!? 

Meanwhile the red team gets quality time with Clare, during which Chasen convinces me that he's a martian. He refers to himself in high school as a "hermit crab" and then says that he has "the goosebumps." Dude, the saying is a "hermit" and "goosebumps" (no THE). Are you an alien? 

Blake has finally stopped holding his dick long enough to shower, get dressed, comb his too-long beard, and show up at the afterparty that he's not invited to. Showing up at a party you weren't invited to? What are you, ME and SUZANNE during high school summers at backyard parties throughout Wayland??? ZIIIING US!! When you're hot, they let you do it! Wheeeee!!! Blake pisses off the dudes WHO ACTUALLY WON, get negged by Clare, and wanders off. 

Brandon, the bland but traditionally hot dude from Cleveland OH, attempts to talk to Clare but his claims that he went on the show "for her" ring false when the ONLY thing he knows about her is that she's beautiful.  I understand Clare's annoyance at that, but AGAIN, it felt like she made a mountain out of a molehill and made shit weird by sending him home! I get that she doesn't want to waste time and she knows what she wants, but why not learn a bit more about him before you decide he sucks? I dunno. Chasen, the alien attempting to learn about Earthling culture, gets the rose and his alien overlords back on Mars must be THRILLED!! 

Back at the suite, Yosef is referring to a date he wasn't on as "classless" and saying that it "left a bad taste in my mouth" which is rich coming from a dude who was macking on Insta chicks mere weeks ago. Yosef seems like a profoundly angry person who was probably a total womanizer, louse in his younger days but NOW THAT HE HAS A DAUGHTER he is ALL righteousness, all the time.  Do you know the type of guy I mean?  I think he will show his entire ass next week (METAPHORICALLY) and try to age shame Clare. 

But before this episode can end with a cliffhanger, we have a cocktail party to start!  Blake has cut his beard somewhat, so he looks less Amish and more "I'm living in my van for a couple a weeks while I get some shit sorted" and Clare pulls him aside to give him a rose after negging him HARD a mere night before. Clare looks gorgeous, as usual, in a sparkly floor-length silver dress, big earrings, and cleavage for days.  

So now the men with roses are Chasen (alien here to gain data on humans), Jason (open wound of newfound vulnerability), Riley (Boys II Men superfan but if only the show had licensed their music), and Beard Boi Blake. 

Tragically, the episode ends there and leaves us wondering WHO screams at Clare about being the oldest Bachelorette ever (probably Yosef b/c he's unhappy with his life choices and he's wading through some major self hatred and projecting it onto the men and Clare), and who will be Clare's next candidate for fireside therapy! We'll find out next week as Palm Springs Therapy House continues!! 

Bachelorette Clare: Ep 1: Nasal Swabs + Bare Ankles

Pussycats! 

I just finished watching an episode of The Bachelorette and tweeting some tweets while drinking wine and laughing and for 2 hours, it almost felt as if we aren't living through a global pandemic!!  Life felt somewhat normal!  It wasn't a show filmed via Zoom!!  There was not a mask in sight!  I am truly FLOATING right now!  

Obviously, the current global pandemic was mentioned throughout the show and we watched these sweet guys quarantine solo in Palm Springs for 14 damn days, get Covid tested, and while away the boredom, but after that, it felt like any old Bachelorette season and I'm so glad. 

Speaking of "old," I am bracing myself for a season of ageism because Clare Crawley, the brave smoke show who will date 30+ men at one time while living in a Palm Springs bungalow (MY DREAM) is 39, so this is what Bachelor Nation meanies might call a "geriatric season." I, for one, am THRILLED to have a grown woman in the driver's seat: she has been around the block with this franchise (Juan Pablo's season, 2 season of Bachelor In Paradise), has a fantastic career as a colorist, has gobs of friends and interests, and truly wants love and marriage soon.  YES!  

Clare moves to Pam Springs, has a few Covid tests and isolation time, and before we know it, she is all dressed up and chatting with Chris Harrison in a candle-filled room just before the 1st night. WE ARE BACK, BABY! 

Real quick: I LOVED Clare's look. Gunmetal is one of my favorite dress colors and the reflective, textured beads at the top which faded down to a filmy bottom with a slit up the side--it was dreamy. 

I loved this conversation: they spoke candidly about who she was when she dated infamous Bachelor cad Juan Pablo, how she has grown, the hardships she has faced and her ability to stay hopeful through it all.  She reveals that when she joined the cast of The Bachelor that first go-round, she had just left an abusive relationship. Chris asks if Clare has anything to say to that young girl getting out of the limo to meet Juan Pablo all those years ago and she says, "I'm proud of you for trying again." I LOVE THIS. I suspect this overarching theme will be beaten like a dead horse this season, but for now I really love the spirit of finding PRIDE in taking some licks, having some disappointments, and showing up anyway. It reminded me of 2003 when I lived in Chicago and worked as a paralegal at a law firm where my attorney would scream swears at me throughout the day. I was broke, young, depressed, and literally AFRAID of this attorney.  I'd cry in the bathroom at work at least 1x/day but every day, I showed up. My parents were so proud of me--they knew that I was going through an awful situation and the job was such an abusive place, but that I showed up. In retrospect, this is a story about workplace abuse and I HAD to show up b/c I was broke as HELL which is a sad state of events, BUT THE POINT IS: there's power in showing up.  Clare's "showing up" is like previous Bachelorette Rachel's "keeping it 100." I love pithy, motivational phrases! 

Let's get down to the dudes and the DRAMZ! 

We had immediate drama between Tyler C. (dude who rolled up in a station wagon saying he wants to fill up the station wagon with kids which is sweet, I guess, but felt a little Try-Hard for my taste) and Yosef (who mentioned that he has a daughter and it has given him a better perspective on/more tenderness for women which is a RED FLAG that stupid, bad guys always think is smart thing to say).  Tyler should have held his tongue about this situation until later in the season. And what even WAS the thing he was talking about? Yosef reached out to a girl Tyler knows and sent a video that was friendly but a cheesedick move b/c it seemed like a mass text video? And this video was sent recently, so it seems like Yosef isn't "here for the right reasons" (copyright Bachelor Nation)?  Either way, in a situation like this, the 'ole "whoever smelt it, dealt it" rule usually applies which is that whoever introduces the tension/drama (Tyler) is somehow blamed for it and sent home. And so it went! Let this be a lesson to you would-be Bach contestants at home!! 

Clare has some HOTTIES in the mix, and strangely, 2 different guys named Blake M. which feels like a joke written by a statistician.  Truly, what are the chances?  In the mix, she has quite a few former pro football players (ummm hi), some SUPER chic, tailored suits, and we saw SO many bare ankles! I was LOVING these lewks! 

The entrances were the usual mix of straightforward dudes coming out of limos like a damn clown car of hotties, plus some fun ones: Eazy jumped through a "Your Future Husband" sign which was so cute and hilarious and I adore him already; Jay a Fitness Instructor wore a straighjacket to show that he's "crazy about Clare (woof) and KEPT IT ON THE ENITRE NIGHT LIKE A COMPLETE... well... crazy person. Props to you for staying SO on-brand, Jay! Bennett (who mentioned that he's a Harvard grad within his first 30 seconds on-screen) rolled up in a Rolls Royce wearing a long, white scarf with a suit that is popular with old timey titans of industry.  

Before I tally off who be remaining in the Bachelor Bubble and who was sent home to quarantine for another however-many months then move to Nashville, TN, as every Bach reject is required to do, let's talk about timing. 

From articles I have read online, it seems as if they started filming the show in SOME way before they had to halt production because of Covid. Had Clare met a bunch of the guys? Had they already done first-night arrivals at the old Bachelor mansion? But wait, wasn't the old Bachelor mansion burned in the California wildfires!?!? I cannot keep up with the twists and turns! 

But here is my theory: they had started filming and maybe even gotten through a few days worth, then had to halt. I suspect that Clare had really connected with Dale and Blake Moynes already, based on her interaction with them this go-round.  They halted for a while but then came up with the Palm Springs, 2-weeks-isolation plan and not every guy who had started could make it back to California. SO, rather than attempt to cobble together a Frankenstein version of a season or a cast, they asked anyone from Cast #1 to just launch into the Palm Springs filming as if it was THE FIRST TIME!! Just act as if you have never met Clare, start fresh, and THIS is the season.  Is my theory insane?  I just feel like with a few of the guys tonight, there was a familiarity already. Blake messaged her on FB during quarantine (even though it was against the rules) and I just wonder, would he have done that if he didn't know her AT ALL yet? Also her conversation with Dale felt VERY familiar. Dale seemed to be asking about Clare's mother but he already knew about her, ya know? Anyway--that is my theory but I don't think that ABC or Bachelor producers would want to reveal THAT much of a "behind-the-curtain" breakdown, ya know? So everyone just acts like they are meeting for the first time! 

OK so who was given a rose and who spent 2 weeks in a Palm Springs motel room for no reason? The 1st impression rose was given to Dale (SEE MY THEORY ABOVE) and then the flowers were doled out as follows: 

-Blake Moynes: The guy who messaged her illegally and who I'm convinced was part of Ghost Season Never To Be Discussed. Dude has an Amish looking beard thing going on, but that's not awful?

-Eazy: I LOVE this guy. His pink, 3-piece suit was a bold and sexy choice, his body is fantastic, and he seems extremely real, self-effacing, cool.  I hope he goes far. 

-Ben: Forgettable white guy who was 1st out of the limo and they took a breath together. Fine, I guess. 

-Riley: I don't recall much about him except a grey suit.

-Zach J: Or as I call him "butt thing in a box." When he first met Clare, he got down on one knee and held up a ring box that, upon opening, reveals a tiny ceramic butt and fart noises. Dude, grow up. I know that you think this is funny and memorable and I guess it IS memorable, but it's just too crass for my taste. I could get on board with a ceramic butt in a ring box (don't ask), but the fart noise is just GROSS. She seems to like 'ole Butt Thing In a Box, though! 

-Tyler S: My notes say "nerdy looking white dude." 

-Joe: Bowtie-wearing origami maker who seems very fun and silly and sweet. Thumbs up. 

-Jason: Dude who explained his accent as though he was from some far-off, exotic land and not LONG ISLAND. Has Clare seriously never met a guy from Long Island? Could be. He's energetic and fun, though, so I give him credit. 

-Demar: A handsome, warm guy who ONLY had their straight-outta-the-limo interaction so I'm impressed he's still here! Dude makes a great first impression! 

-Jason: Dude in a striped tie who arrived via giant bubble ball. I wish I were kidding. 

-Jordan C: glasses, no drama. 

-Blake Menard: The 2nd Blake M. of the show and I can't believe both Blakes are like, "sure--I guess on this trash TV show I will go by MY FULL NAME. Want my Soc Security to post in the lower 3rd, too?" Ha! Guy was in a black shirt, black tie, and was SHOWING CHEST like woa. 

-Ken: Boy Band Manager who has TALL hair and, well, looks like a Boy Band Manager. If I were him, I'd say that I'm just a "Band Manager" so people might mistakenly think I'm cool. 

-Brandon: Roof Contractor from Mass who won't be around long, but I'm pulling for him because he's a Masshole and so am I. 

-Garit: Red, 3 piece suit sweetheart. He brought a drawing of Clare made by his niece and won my heart. I hope he goes far! 

-Ed: Guido-style dude who is husky and sweaty and if Selena Circa 2006 were The Bachelorette, this guy would have won on night 1. I KNOW! My taste has matured and so have I! 

-Bennett: I hate to hate someone solely because he's a Wealth Manager who went to Harvard, but it just comes so naturally! On Twitter last night, my old high school pal Jimbo (a Harvard alum) informed me that in the world of finance/being rich, apparently Wealth Managers are a JOKE, which made me laugh. I doubt Bennett will be around too long. 

-Zach C: Light grey suit, sweet guy. Sometimes my notes are useless. 

-Jay: Straightjacket guy!! I wish she had sent him home because watching a guy cry during his exit interview in a straightjacket is just AMAZING TELEVISION!  Check him out serving creepy lewks: 

-Brandon: conventionally attractive guy with a strong jawline, nice suit. Hot Boring. 

-Ivan: cutie who made a wonderful first impression by quoting his mother. 

-Yosef: Ugh. So I guess we have found the Parian of the season, or at least the house shit-stirrer. I can't wait to hear more about how he respects women now that he financially supports one! 

So who went home? 

-Jeremy: banker from DC who seemed VERY earnest and sweet. 

-Page: guy with strange facial hair and SO MANY TATTOOS which I can dig but combined with his frame and facial hair, it felt very Carnival Worker. 

-Tyler: dude who introduced the drama with Yosef. Sorry, man. "When you point out drama in someone else, you have 3 fingers pointing back at YOU and saying that YOU are drama" as the old saying goes. 

-AJ: Software salesman who wore a red suit and made Clare twirl as soon as he met her, then gripped her hands so hard that she writhed in pain. He gave me REAL Mystery (the Pick Up Artist) vibes. He said that his friends joke that he makes a bad first impression and WOW his friends are right! 

-Chasen: walked up in a suit of armor and a layer of sweat. It's Palm Springs, man! This place is HOT! 

-Jordan M: What a loss! This dude rocked a perfectly-tailored, blue suit and was showing ankles for DAYS! He seemed really lovely and I'm disappointed he didn't go farther. 

A few others may have gotten the boot (the dude who brought her cute sandals? Maybe a few other Insurance Brokers from UT or FL?) but it's hard to keep track.  And I'm out of practice with these recaps, pussycats! 

This looks like it will be a drama-filled season and not a standard-length season, either. We shall see. I'm just excited to feel a bit normal for 2 hours on Tuesday (or Monday?) nights. What are your thoughts, dear readers? 

Anybody out there?

 Greetings, readers/friends/enemies/lurkers/jazzy cats! 

It has been EONS since I last posted.  I used to CRANK out Bachelor and Bachelorette recaps religiously and eventually, I just sorta ran out of steam.  This blog has done so many amazing things for me--it's how I got my book deal, it's how many people have found me, it's how I had enough friends know that I'm a part of Bachelor Nation to refer Bachelor-related writing my way and thus I had my work on Gawker (RIP I MISS YOU SO MUCH)--but I put it down for a bit because I was just exhausted.  And the recaps started to feel like an obligation and I felt like my writing was becoming formulaic and predictable.  

And now we're in a nightmare global pandemic and I'm working from the corner of my bedroom and feeling despondent and depressed some days, hopeful and calm other days.  It's all just a lot.  I'm sure it has been for you, dear reader.  I look forward to someday having something to look forward to. 

In early 2020 I was cranking on season 2 of my candle podcast, Two Wick Minimum.  I taught myself how to edit episodes and add opening music, I interviewed a bunch of wonderful candleheads, and I had an episode in the can that I still haven't released.  But then the Covid-19 pandemic hit and I just let myself STOP.  Stop creating, stop brainstorming, stop hustling.  I know many people who have simply been awash in such anxiety and fear, that any creative instinct is just GONE.  Completely.  I spent late March/April/May just trying to get through the day and do my job from this corner of my bedroom.  I have tried to focus on what I can control and not spiral too badly.  I've been doing lots of home improvement projects, cooking a bunch, and burning tons and tons of my beloved candles.  I started dating a wonderful guy in late January and we've been spending tons of time together, which has been a lifesaver.  

I have had no desire to do Zoom standup shows or create ANYTHING.  And I let myself feel those feelings.  I'm a big believer that you need to listen to your instincts and you need fallow periods to slow down and give yourself a break.  I have been running around the streets of NYC from comedy show to comedy show at night while working full time all day since I was 26.  In April, I turned 40 and it feels like a perfect time to switch gears and step away from the performing world (not that there IS performing world right now, but you know what I mean).  I'm proud of the how hard I hustled all those years and all the wonderful shows I created and contributed to and people I met.  

And all of this blathering and navel gazing brings us to: The Bachelorette returns tomorrow night! Yes, it's starting the season on a Tuesday which is BIZARRE because Bach has been my Monday night date for years and years, but whatever--embrace this change, Selena! Roll with it!  The Bachelorette this go-round is Clare and I dig her: she was on Juan Pablo's season and dealt with that louse, so she deserves this!  She's a knockout with a kind heart and she's at the age where she is likely TRULY looking to get married and settle down.  Oh yeah, that's another reason I stopped watching or writing about the show: I just couldn't stomach watching 24-year-olds claim that they are eager to get married.  Give me a break! Your 20s are a time to move around, work a few different jobs, date some ill-advised people, make mistakes, explore, fuck around and find out (am I even using that phrase right? No? OK, thanks).  

I'm going to watch this season and it sounds like there is DRAMA already and I am STARVED for drama these days!  I have no Hot Goss! I have no drama! I need more data for trash talking!! 

And in an effort to gently prod myself back into being creative or just creating, I'm going to plan to write recaps on here.  I'm trying to be gentle with myself about it, but I think that I NEED to give myself some projects and plans.  Maybe I'll write stuff on here just about life, too? This is life now.  We're stuck at home and we have no idea when this will end.  We live a strange limbo and need to do whatever we can to hold tight to hope or enjoy slivers of happiness. And creating makes me happy.  So I'm saying this here for the sake of accountability: I'm going to write recaps here AND even try to get Two Wick Minimum back on track.  We're all doing the best we can and it's important to "set yourself up for success" as my old boss used to say.  I think that creating will make me happy and help me emotionally.  

So, without further ado, let's get back to snarking on reality TV contestants who are clearly never there for the right reasons!! THE BITCH IS BACK (AND THE BITCH IS ME)!

I WISH I COULD QUIT YOU: Let's talk Pilot Pete

LOVERS!!

Remember a few seasons back when I decided to stop writing recaps of THE BACHELOR and THE BACHELORETTE because it eats up hours of time and I lost the inspiration and also I felt weird about watching 22 year-olds who are like, "I AM A SHRIVELED CRONE AND NEED TO BE MARRIED TOMORROW" date one another, as a woman who is pushing 40?

Well, I have tried to quit Bachelor Nation but IT ALWAYS PULLS ME BACK IN!!!



Somehow, this season I am watching again (blame Dry January) and, sweet sweet readers, I'm falling back in love with the franchise.  It feels like the first time and I have THOUGHTS on it and I can't resist sharing them.



I can't be bothered to dive back into the super detailed, comprehensive recaps that I used to write.  Who has the time for those!? We aren't kids anymore! Often at work, I need to WORK!!! And so I cannot dedicate 3-4 hours of every Tuesday selecting the perfect Guns N Roses lyric to act as a metaphor for how this insane brunette needs to SIT DOWN or the perfect story from my own dating life that draws a parallel to how this Bachelor is so obtuse I wonder if he knows how to wipe his own rump properly. 

BUT, I shall simply share my quick thoughts.  And this may be a one-off or it may be a THING.  Who knows!?!? Let's let 2020 unfold and just do what feels good when it feels good, OK? 

-Pilot Pete is a perfectly acceptable looking human (symmetrical, bland, acceptable, nondescript) but his pants are just too tight for my taste. 
-Cleveland's Board of Tourism must have LOVED last night's episode! But for real, it made me want to do a romantic getaway to Cleveland.  What have I become!??!?! 
-Mykenna (yes that is the actual spelling of her actual name) has eyebrows that remind me of that Massachusetts monster who encouraged her boyfriend to kill himself. 

-When Victoria F. and Pete went on that date and danced to a live concert by country "celebrity" Chase Rice, Pete truly showed how clueless and unaware of others' emotions he is. Victoria F. was VISIBLY anxious: WE, as the viewers, knew thanks to a voice over, that the country crooner Chase Rice is her ex-boyfriend (I KNOW!! Those Producers are GENIUSES and MONSTERS) but Pete had no idea and I give him some leeway for that.  But DUDE–she looked VERY uncomfortable and even went off with Chase Rice alone for a 1:1 talk that looked wildly awkward. Did Peter pick up on NONE of this!?!? No, no he did not.  Dude floated along and was like, "maybe Chase Rice could sing at our wedding!"  That night, when Victoria F. revealed the truth to Pete, he was flabbergasted but the part that I hated was that she kept APOLOGIZING. Apologizing!? For what!? No apology needed!  The PRODUCERS created an uncomfortable situation that was humiliating for everyone involved, but Victoria, girl, you did nothing wrong!  

-I REALLY like Sydney for telling it like it is without losing her cool when doing so.  Way to go, girl. 

-Alayah is Satan and not pretty enough to have this much attitude. 

-The Alayah vs. Victoria P. drama is profoundly stupid and Peter is a moron for indulging it and exacerbating it.  The crux of the issue is this: Alayah and Victoria P. knew each other before THE  BACHELOR because they both do pageants.  OK.  Alayah asked Victoria P. to LIE to Peter and Producers and claim that they did NOT know each other before the show, as she thought that somehow them knowing each other would be a bad thing.  Umm OK?  No wait, actually, no, NOT OK. I do NOT understand this line of reasoning AT ALL and I think that it reflects poorly on ALAYAH only.  SHE cooked up this dumb scheme that is grounded in misleading people. The crux of the issue is that Alayah feels comfortable lying to people and put Victoria P. in a crappy situation by asking her to do the same.  From that, somehow, myriad other issues have cropped up and in last night's episode Alaya returned to the show after being sent home and Peter, she, and Victoria P. had a sit-down, Oprah Winfrey-style conversation about [checks notes] WHETHER THEY WERE GOOD FRIENDS BEFORE THE SHOW OR SIMPLY ACQUAINTANCES. 

YES, dear reader. 

Somehow, this issue has devolved from it's core: Alayah is a person who lies easily, to the bizarro spin-off non-issue of, were Alayah and Victoria SUPER TIGHT PALS or just social friends. WHO the fuck cares!? How are we even having this conversation?  How is Peter dead set on CRACKING THIS CASE, the most boring mystery in the world, while a dozen gorgeous, age-appropriate women who are eager to MARRY HIM, wait in the other room. 

Truly, Peter is not seeing the forest for the trees and he's letting himself get distracted by stupid minutiae to the detriment of the show, the other women on the show, and his own love life. 

I WISH that Natasha or Sydney or Shiann (thee of my faves) would take control and organize a mass walk-out of the other women on the show. But also I know that Peter needs to clean up his own damn mess. 

Peter is making a larger version of a mistake that some other Bachelors have stumbled upon: getting caught up in stupid drama and forgetting that this show is, in theory, about romance, sexiness, hooking up, and heavy petting.  Hell, it's eventually about "riding the D train" in the fantasy suite, if you catch my drift!! Focus on THAT, Pilot Pete!  Not on Nancy Drew's worst-selling book, "The Case of the Unclear Friendship."  Because I'll tell you exactly what is going on here, guy: Alayah is, in my estimation, a self-described "guy's girl" who hates other women because she claims they are all  bitchy to her (SHE has done nothing wrong, ever, she thinks). She has NO boundaries and makes juvenile attempts at friendships with acquaintances by creating a sense of false familiarity, as evidenced by her obsession with referring to her friends in the house as "bitches." Haven't we all met people like this?  So that is what Alayah is, and Victoria P. is a normal person with appropriate boundaries who sees Alayah as a social friend/acquaintance she knows via their shared hobby, pageants.  And Peter is on a fool's errand to figure out HOW CLOSE they really are, for some reason? 

Peter has successfully removed the parts of dating that are FUN and exciting (making out, being playful, flirting, having inside jokes, doing bits) and made it a Debate Club that sucks and is a DRAG.  

What do you all think?  Are you excited for next Monday's episode, when more ladies will read him the riot act!? I CANNOT WAIT!! 

UPDATES from me! Hannah's season, etc.

Greetings, lovebugs!

I sort of fell off at the end of last season, when Colton dropped the 2 remaining ladies who wanted to marry him, and instead, chose to end the season and go back to passive-aggressively attempt to woo Cassie by informing her that he had canceled the whole damn show and ONLY wanted her.

Can you tell that I have mixed feelings about this?

I mean, all's well that ends well, those two crazy, photogenic, blonde kids are together now and happy and seem to be exerting healthy boundaries for a change (did you notice that Colton is NOW saying that he is unwilling to share updates about his virginity? I bet Cassie was like, "hey guy, you can exert a thing called boundaries and you don't owe anyone an update on your personal journey or benchmarks" and bless her for teaching Colton that--I LOVE BOUNDARIES!!!) BUT, I was somewhat put-off by Colton's Hail-Mary move for Cassie (cancelling the ENTIRE show and then showing up at her doorstep). It just felt a bit unfair to Cassie. Colton's showed up at her doorstep just sorta like, "Hey girl! You said that you're not interested in me but I am NOT going to respect your wishes, so here I am, having cancelled the entire damn show and hoping that you will feel pressured and obligated to give me a chance." It all just seemed like a bit much and sort of manipulation.  Anybody else?

Then it was announced that Hannah would be the next Bachelorette: Alabama Hannah (a former pageant girl) who was involved in some DRAMA during her time as a would-be girlfriend of Colton's. BUT, I really liked how well she was able to explain herself to Colton (remember when she took Colton aside and was like, "do you really SEE me? I need to know that, outside of all this strange drama, you understand me and see me.")  She seems self-effacing, silly, she's gorgeous, and she WANTS to get married for sure, so a natural choice as the next Bachelorette.

Last week the show aired a Bachelorette reunion episode and I watched part of it (had to get in a workout first, though, because bikini season is almost here). They showed some clips, revisited former Bachelorettes, and Chris Harrison charmed everybody. As I was watching these clips, I was stunned by how long ago so much of it was. One clip, specially struck me, which was Ashley Herbert accepting JP's proposal--season 7, and in the year 2011.

2011!!

That was 8 years ago! And I recapped it!  In fact, I started writing these recaps even before then, which is insane to me. But it makes sense.  I wrote a book for HarperCollins and it was published in 2013 (THE NEW RULES FOR BLONDES which is still on sale somehow) and I got that book deal from this here blog!! Yes, remember when that could happen!? Haha those were some halcyon days in publishing.

For years and years I have loved writing these silly recaps: snarking on people, sharing how much I love a mermaid cut gown, commenting on hair and make-up, joking around about who "didn't come here to make friends," and all that jazz. But as I look back, I'm stunned by how long I have been doing this! Since before 2011! Good Lord!

And, to be totally honest, I'm just not really feeling it anymore. And in some ways, I'm sort of shocked that I'm not feeling it anymore BUT then also, it makes sense: sometimes you're just not that inspired about a project anymore after too long. Not every project needs to be forever and it's important to listen to your own heart: Am I still enjoying this? Does this still serve me? Am I, the writer of this blog HERE for the right reasons (natch).

So my plan for Hannah's season is to tune in to the TV show occasionally if I have a free Monday, maybe live tweet it (@selenacoppock), but not write lengthy recaps any longer.  I may write up a few thoughts/opinions on this blog, but I won't be doing a detailed blow-by-blow as I have in the past. I'm just not that into it anymore and I'm a big believer in knowing when a project has reached its end.

Have you ever heard of Elizabeth Gilbert's BIG MAGIC??  This book is a revelation: everyone should read it.  My sweet pal Giulia introduced me to it.  I'm addicted to this book in the way that I used to be obsessed with Pema Chodron's START WHERE YOU ARE.

BIG MAGIC is a book about creativity, art, inspiration, and so much more. And in BIG MAGIC, Gilbert says how important it is to listen to your inspiration. Perhaps a book that you wanted to write or a project that you wanted to do or a painting you wanted to paint was SO inspiring to you at one point and then you had to set it aside for whatever reason (a move, a job, a life change), then when you pick it back up, the inspiration is simply gone. Or maybe a certain type of inspiration graces you for a few years but then after long enough, you feel drawn to something else. It's a book about giving yourself permission: permission to make art even if you don't think that you are an "artist," permission to set aside a project if it no longer serves you, permission to not demand that your art pay your bills--stuff like that.

That amazing book has made me think about my projects.  I've been doing standup and storytelling for a long time, with other stuff thrown in: recapping The Bachelor and The Bachelorette for years and years, co-hosting a Bach/Bachelorette podcast for a few years, co-hosting a Guns N Roses podcast for a few years, being a tour guide on the Sex & the City bus tour for about 4 years, co-hosting and co-producing a weekly show at Luca Lounge for a few years (goddamn that's a young man's game) before the Dept of Health closed down that venue (classic!), then co-hosting and co-producing a show every 2 weeks then show once a month at a bar in Murray Hill.

And I have taken on new projects and created new things: my album SEEN BETTER DAYS which I released about a year and a half ago (and is available on iTunes, Spotify, Pandora), @NYTVows, my parody Twitter and Instagram account where I pretend to be the New York Times Wedding Section, TWO WICK MINIMUM, my silly and bonkers podcast about candles. And still doing standup and storytelling, plus working full time as a Managing Editor at a publishing house.

So I am giving myself permission to take a left turn and set aside an art project that isn't serving me anymore (is it pretentious as hell to call reality TV recaps an "art project"? Hahah sure it is and I aint ashamed). It was SO much fun for so long, but I just don't have the energy or inspiration anymore.

I hope you all understand and I appreciate all of you for reading my recaps for so long.  I may be posting things here and they may be Bachelor/Bachelorette related, but I just can't dedicate all of the time I used to: 2 hours every Monday night watching and taking notes, then 2-3 hours on Tuesday writing and rewriting a full recap with photos and jokes.  I don't want to keep writing recaps of this show out of a sense of obligation and during Colton's season (and, hell, even before that) it began to feel that way. And that's no fun for anybody.

So this is where we are, pussycats. I appreciate you all and adore you so much and over the years, it has been so fun to host watch parties at QED and meet some of you face-to-face, to read your comments and know that somewhere out there, at the other end of the internet, is another cool assed lady who shares my bewilderment at how anyone does a fishtail braid and deals with her roots growing out while she is stuck living in STD Shack aha The Bachelor mansion.

Please do support my other projects: I'm super proud of and presently inspired by @NYTVows, and my album SEEN BETTER DAYS, and Two Wick Minimum (season 2 coming soon). And hell, come see me live! I update the "gigs" page on my website regularly. And thank you for giving me a crew to talk Bach with--these silly recaps got me a damn book deal and sometimes I pinch myself to think about how much I have done over the years.  But I am excited to follow Elizabeth Gilbert's advice and set aside a project that isn't really inspiring me anymore. As hippy-dippy as it seems, you gotta listen to the universe, and follow your bliss, and right now, those currents are pushing me into new directions.

Thanks for reading this long and much love.

xoxo,
Selena

Bachelor Colton Ep 5: The Mystery of Kirpa's Chin Injury

Hey lovebugs!

How are you doing? Are you in agreement with me and a sweetheart who I met at a Superbowl Party on Sunday night, that this season of The Bachelor is absolutely fantastic? People doubted Colton—they were weirded out by the "virgin bachelor" thing, they thought he was too bland, yet—against all odds—the alchemists behind this franchise have cooked up a HELLA good season, full of catfights, friendship, diversity, squashing of drama, stoking of drama, candid stories of sexual assault, heart-to-heart conversations about relationships and safety, and so much more. Honestly, it's been super refreshing and heartening to watch.

OK but let's get down to the recap!

On Monday night, Colton and 13 beautiful ladies who could probably find love more easily in ANY platform other than on a TV show, flew to THAILAND for a week of sweaty dates!

Heather (Never Been Kissed Jerry Hall look-alike) get the first 1:1 date and she meets Colton on a beach rocking a cute black one piece, short shorts, sandals, hair down, and a bold lip. Great look! Colton is dressed for a day of exploration and they cruise to a floating city where they shop in a marketplace and canoodle. At one point, Colton asks her,  "do you blow kisses," as if "never been kissed" means "never even BLOWN a kiss" which made me laugh. Oh Colton, I can't tell if you're funny or dumb but I like all of it.

While all this romance is going down, back at the hotel suite, redheaded "cougar" Elyse is spiraling and feeling anxious, sad, unsure. I can only imagine the way that this experience would do a number on you mentally.

Then we're back to LOTS of mouth close-ups (NO NO NO) and FEEDING (creepy).  Over dinner that evening (Colton in a pink button-down, Heather in a light pink dress and a tragically low number of accessories), Heather talks about how she dated a guy that she didn't much like for 8 MONTHS and never kissed him!! This was AFTER COLLEGE! Good Lord Heather, what is going on here!?

Post-liquid dinner, Colton and Heather walk to a beach where they stand by a fire and nearly jump out of their skin when fireworks go off, then they lean in together and Heather has her first kiss on national TV as Bachelor Nation cheers her on.  I am giving myself dumb chills for typing this, but the way that Colton gently held her face was really sweet and lovely. Oh man Colton, you've got me all bugaboo!

Back the hotel, Elyse is DONE UP for who knows what—a sultry night of "swimming in the ocean" (Juan Pablo season speak for HUMPS) when Colton returns from his date? A tearful conversation when Colton returns from his date? A night of ticklefights with the other women?

The ladies are all assembled when Has Been Kissed NOW Heather returns and she fills them in on her day, which is Elyse's cue to head out in search of Colton. Elye's look was like a knockout GHOST, with the ethereal layers of her barely-there, white/beige sundress.

Elyse knocks on Colton's door and he lets her in, then they sit down to talk. Elyse is already very emotional and she explains that she is having a hard time, this isn't about jealousy or insecurity (are we sure, girl?), but she knows that she cannot accept a proposal from him in just a few weeks. I get that, but also, Elyse, with all due respect, girl, aren't we getting a lil ahead of ourselves? But maybe not! Hey, if you know that you simply CANNOT be part of the thing that is truly THE POINT of this show, then I guess it's better to dip sooner than later. Also, wait, why did you come on the show in the first place?  Either way, Elyse bounces, cursing herself all the way home, which made me sad for her.

The next day, Colton has signature "I cried myself to sleep" puffy eyes (I know those when I see 'em cause sometimes I see 'em in the mirror BUT I AM FINE, dear readers) and the group date is a day of survival in the jungle and there is never a wrong time to share this gem:



The 10 ladies meet their shared BF in the jungle and Colton misses a prime opportunity to scream, "do you know where you are? You're in the jungle baby, and you're going to DIE" but maybe he didn't want to do that in front of jungle townie, Joe. Joe literally grew up in the jungle and he teaches the crew how to get water from trees, eat slugs and bugs, and dig up grubs. Yikes. Alabama Hanna is INTO IT and chows down like she's on Fear Factor.

Colton puts a snake on his shoulders, Britney-style and soon it's time for a competition.

Actual photo of Colton 

The crew splits up into 3 teams and each team must secure water, protein, and something else. Two teams manage to follow directions and take the challenge seriously (plus Tayshia is pretty slick in delegating tasks to the other members of her team so that her "task" can be smooching Colton) but one team decides to go a different route and think "outside the box" (the beloved refrain of people who think that rules don't apply to them) and "instead of thinking hard, think smart" (again GOOD LORD who is coming up with these phrases, is it deadbeat father Steve Jobs??? BLECH).  No no, it's not Steve Jobs, it's DEMI because THERE is a girl who will always go for cleverness over hard work. Double blech. Her team hops into the truck they arrived in, takes it back to their hotel, and gets burgers and bubbly as their "protein" and drinks. Am I taking this all too seriously that I truly found that move disrespectful to jungle townie Joe? Team #1 wins and their prize is...the respect of their peers?

That night at the afterparty, Demi looks like dog shit in yellow separates (white women can RARELY pull of yellow, people!), Tayshia looks ravishing in a red romper, Katie has a gold, drapey top that looks cool. Alabama Hannah is very cute and tells Colton that she's falling in love with him (she also mentions that she'd be a good fighter if a zombie apocalypse hit and this girl is my kinda crazy). Onyeka pulls Colton aside to drop a bombshell: Elyse told Onyeka that she talked to Nicole and Nicole said that she's just here to find opportunity and get out of Miami. 

Dude, Onyeka please SIT DOWN. You are forever in the thick of drama and your claims that you share this information with Colton "to protect him" ring false. So, we have the standard routine: Onyeka tells Colton this, he is crestfallen, he grabs Nicole and asks her directly, she denies it and is crestfallen, she returns to the group and confronts Onykeka AND ROUND AND ROUND WE GO!!!

HOW do these shit-stirrers not realize that the CARDINAL rule of Bachelor: if you are involved in drama in ANY respect (whether you are the supposed truth teller or the person being trashed), YOU have just secured your ticket home!!

Mark my words: Colton will send THEM BOTH home the next time he has a chance.

The one thing that occurred in this tangle that was refreshing was that Tayshia chimed in and defended Nicole, saying that she was present for this conversation (between now departed Elyse and Nicole and her) and that Nicole simply said that in life, you have to take advantage of opportunities and you never know what could happen and it could change your life. Tayshia is as solid friend to Nicole and it was nice to watch.

Alabama Hannah scores the group date rose and I hope Demi cried herself to sleep. (Am I too harsh on her? Good!)

The next day is Colton and Cassie's 1:1 and it's like a full day straddle. They make out and straddle in the water for hours. They aren't even talking or laughing much—just sorta intensely making out. That night they talk about how they feel like they have known each other forever, how she's a bit nervous because now her family will know she's not a virgin (ugh I hate sexuality shaming), and that they feel safe with each other. Cassie will be in the final 2, I bet.

But before we dive into the cocktail party, let's talk about the real star of episode 5: Kirpa's chin bandage!!

Throughout the episode, sweet Kirpa (who will NOT make it to hometowns, trust) rocks a chin bandage AND WE ARE NEVER TOLD WHAT HAPPENED! At first my roommate and I thought it was to cover a zit, but it KEPT showing up!! What is going on here!? Can we get an explanation, please!??! This was insanity!

Finally, it's cocktail party time but Onyeka and Nicole use it as BRAWL TIME. Oh man. Everyone else is flirting with Colton, sipping drinks, but Miami's spiciest export and Drama Queen Forever are GOING AT IT, to the point that Colton walks away from Katie to see what the fuss is all about.  Colton attempts to calm down the conversation (without saying the phase "calm down," thankfully because that phrase is like gasoline on a fire) and when they ignore him, he gets up and walks away in frustration. The girls are stunned by this, so they take a page from the Tiresome Idiot's playbook and BOTH CHASE HIM!! NOOOOO! 

Ladies, DO NOT chase a man. He is annoyed and exhausted and wants to be alone. Don't chase him for 2 reasons:

1. By walking away, he is setting a boundary and making it clear that he wants to be alone;
2. It's useless. Perhaps I am thinking about "not chasing" in broad terms, but a man either likes you or he doesn't, and you can't convince him and if you TRY to, it's sad, thirsty, and you will humiliate yourself AND it will not work. So if a guy doesn't like you or walks away from you, let it be, move on, and seek out a partner who DOES want to be with you.

But these 2 ladies can't hear my warnings, so they both follow him out and try to talk to him, prompting him to say "I'm over it" and walk to the beach alone. I'm wondering it the fence-jump that we saw in the season preview is about to happen.

We'll find out next week because the producers left us with a cliffhanger!! Bah! I can't wait to learn what happens! What do you think will happen, dear readers?

Bachelor Colton Ep 4: "Where Is Singapore?"

Hi lovebugs!

In commercials for Monday night's episode of The Bachelor, producers promised us an intense, shocking conversation between Caelynn and Colton and, based on what Caelynn said last week ("real life shit") I KNEW that this would be a conversation in which she told Colton about having been sexually assaulted/raped, and, heartbreakingly enough, I was correct. Ooof. I was impressed by how everyone handled those revelations—the franchise, the editors and producers, Colton, and most of all Caelyn. More on that soon, but I just want to share that I KNEW this is what it would be about, because it is a conversation that I have been forced to have with dates/boyfriends and it never gets any easier, but you want to speak your truth. Because what happened to you echoes throughout your life—especially in the context of romance and intimacy. And there's a feeling of, am I sharing this information too early? Or too late? So many men don't realize how horribly common sexual assault is and for that reason I think it is SO important for women to share their stories. As they say, shame blossoms in secret. Share your story. This isn't your shame to carry.

More on that later, for now, back to the snark.

We're down to 15 ladies and Chris Harrison arrives for a morning chat with the gals. He mixes up Alabama Hannah and her nemesis Caelynn (I thought all white women looked alike only at Starbucks—at least that's where it happens to me the most often), then informs them that they are ditching the STD Shack and hitting the road for SINGAPORE!! Hannah G (aka First Impression Rose) asks the question that they are all, no doubt, wondering through their joyful shrieks,

"WHERE IS SINGAPORE?"

Next we watch Colton wandering around Singapore alone marveling at "the lights... the buildings... it's definitely amazing" and his lack of specificity makes me wonder if ANY of the producers bothered to tell him ANYTHING about Singapore.

The 15 Lady Posse posts up in a hotel suite and Tayshia scores the first date of the trip, a 1:1 of beach exploration, conquering fears (OF COURSE), and dinner.  While she is out, the other 14 gals had better work on their poker faces because they are NOT good at masking disappointment.

They meet on the beach with Colton in a long shorts and a light top and Tayshia rocking white short shorts, a maroon blouse, and white sneakers that she promptly ruins because she and Colton don't understand how tides work. They hold hands and then decide to ignore their fears and bungy jump. Ooof. Bungy jumping looks like hell or at least, paying a lot of money to get whiplash. No thank you. They do it, both look like absolute shit while doing it (the way Colton jumped? YIKES, BRO), and bond over having conquered their fears, blah blah blah. Then they strip down (Colton in swim trunks, Tayshia in a smoking hot red one piece with cut-outs), swim, make out, and canoodle.

That night over liquid dinner (Tayshia in a basic bish black cocktail dress, Colton in a white button down) Tayshia reveals that she got a divorce within the past year and that experience made her fearless or something. I'm sure it did, but MAN OH MAN I get tired of seeing the producers fingerprints all over these dates. You can practically hear them coaching the girls, "OK think of a hard time you went through and tell that story BUT BE SURE to end on an uplifting note about how X experience made you fearless and stronger etc."



Tayshia scoresa  rose.

The next day is a group date and the gang is Hannah G. (first date rose, not so good at geography), Elyse (redheaded "cougar"), Kirpa (cute, funny, slow burn), Sydney (also seems cool but not a major player), Heather (reincarnated Jerry Hall—wait, Jerry Hall isn't dead. Whatever. You know what I mean), Onyeka (involved in less drama than before and I'm glad), Tracy (whose forehead rarely moves, which weirds me out), Nicole (Miami mama who seems cool as hell), Demi (Like a Tomi Lahren Bratz Doll), Courtney (Georgia peach), Katie (cool chick who Colton DIGS), Cassie (cool chick who Colton DIGS), Hannah B (Alabama Hannah who is getting a bad edit, I am convinced!).

That means that Caelynn is getting the final 1:1 in Singapore and, because she has ZERO grace, Demi immediately proclaims, "I don't know about you all, but it's frustrating to see this drama between you and Hannah get more of his time." Hannah and Caelynn both just wisely sit there, and Demi needs to learn when to keep her mouth shut. Good LORD is she a true 23-year-old.

The group date looks annoying—Demi is pushy and tiresome and the group gets leeches put on their bodies and eats odd animal parts. No thank you. Also, Demi truly looks like a child and I think it creeps out Colton.

That night at the afterparty, Hannah grabs Colton immediately (eat it, Demi) and talks to him about how she is trying to stay positive but she feels that she has been misrepresented and he needs to trust that she is a woman of character. She ends with "I need to know you who who I am. I want to make sure we're OK."

Friends, I LITERALLY APPLAUDED HER!! Hannah was sorta floundering last week and I worried that she simply couldn't express her feelings, but this was PERFECT!! And WOOOOW I want to hold onto those lines and feelings for future use. I love how she put it: I need you to know who I am, I want to make sure we're OK. Simple as that! No need to talk Caelynn or drag out old drama—just simply, I don't want to be misunderstood. Hell yeah, Hannah.  Also, as she says this, she's wearing a killer fuscia, silk romper and I LOVE that look! Colton totally gets it, says that he had been feeling frustrated because he likes her so much, and we're back in action! Hell yeah!

Colton has sexy flirty make-out time with Cassie (so cute) and Katie, Hannah B, and Sydney, while Courtney seems to sit on the couch and wait her turn. I get that and I admire that she's mindful of not stepping on toes, but lady, you gotta TRY to get the guy.

While Courtney spirals on the couches with the other women, Demi robotically shares the revelation that her mother is in federal prison and that's sad. I'm sorry but I think this girl is a sociopath and I aint got time.

Later, after much friendly prodding from the other ladies, Courtney goes in search of Colton and ends up talking to Tomi Lahren Bratz Doll, Demi, and the passive aggression is THICK! Woooow. Demi is hella tacky and graceless, but Courtney is acting a lil lazy about pursuing Colton and is getting too focused on the drama. Focus on the dude!

At the end of the date, Colton reward Demi's vulnerability (barf) by giving her a rose, which she receives like it's a goddamn Emmy and she's a veteran actress who is FINALLY getting her due.

Is Thandie Newton or Demi getting a group date rose?

The next day, Caelynn and Colton have a Pretty Woman-inspired date (BARF! That is a "beloved" movie AND NOW ALSO A BROADWAY MUSICAL that is about a woman selling her body and how that's somehow ROMANTIC because she's actually SMART—can you believe it?—and gorgeous underneath her streetwalker getup) during which they take a Rolls Royce to the Rodeo Drive of Singapore and Caelynn tries on dress after dress, with the HILARIOUS shop attendant giving AMAZING color commentary ("Jennifer Lopez, eat your heart out!").

She returns to the hotel to make the other women cry as she shows off her purchases, then she meets Colton for dinner and conversation.  That is where she shares the story of how, 4 years ago, she and 2 of her friends went to a party, were given drinks that had been dosed with roofies, they were all raped, and the entire thing was all photographed/Snapchatted.

Holy shit, I know.

I was expecting this, but her story was worse than I had imagined. Colton simply listens (THAT IS THE RIGHT MOVE, MY MAN). Caelynn shares further that the tried to have a rape kit done and was turned away at the hospital (that is illegal) and that she tried to get justice, but the men got away with it and the only one who got in trouble was simply expelled from their college.

She talks about her feelings of shame, guilt, how it has messed up romance and intimacy for her in many ways, how she didn't tell her mother for an entire year.  All of this is so familiar to me, as I reacted very much the same way to my experience back when I was 16 (and my experience was NOT at all as awful as hers). I only shared the story with my parents a few years ago, and I'm 38. It really does a number on you.

Oh man. I love The Bachelor so much, for all its faults and silliness, and THIS conversation is so much of why. Once in a while, they'll let someone share an experience that is so upsetting but also, so common. And they just let that person speak. Caelynn was given permission to share her story and all of its horrifying details. She shared her story with such poise and grace and one thing that struck me is that she wanted justice, she sought justice, and she never got it. She had to find closure/resolution for herself and figure out a way through. I give her SO much credit for saying it out loud and refusing to be ashamed or embarrassed by what happened. And I also give credit to victims/survivors who don't want to share—that is OK, too. You do what works for you and what works for you can change, too.

Colton says 2 things that literally made me get a little weepy up in how damn perfect they were:

1. He asks her what helped her get through it, which was such a thoughtful question. He wasn't like, "please bleed for me more, please perform your trauma for me more," but rather he was like, I hear you, I care, and I'm curious how you got through that.
2. He immediately tells her, "I want you to know that with me, you're safe."

Oh man. That's the right thing to say, Colton. Thank you. So much of how experiences of sexual trauma echo in your life is in feelings of being unsafe, feelings of not knowing who wants to do you harm, who you can depend on to not be scared of your story. In my life, I think that it has manifested in the "type" of guy I date (scary looking/extremely large and intimidating) because I need to feel safe and protected after what happened to me. And maybe it's a cop out, but it's what I need. And I'm allowed to ask for what I need and seek what I need to feel OK. And can you tell that I've done a lot of therapy? Hahaha. Life!

OK enough about me—let's get back to the light stuff.

Caelynn gets a rose and honestly, I think she'll end up in the top 3 at least.

It's cocktail party time and Demi is chock full of unsolicited advice for the other ladies because of course she is. Colton shows up in a grey suit, light purple shirt, maroon tie and THERE IS TOO  MUCH GOING ON HERE, MY MAN!!

Colton and Hannah G. have alone time for a sexy, on-bed make-out (with shoes ON—cringe). Hannah's cool and cute, but that dress was straight outta Express circa 2001, am I right?

Caelynn grabs Hannah and in ANOTHER scene that made me erupt in applause, the two girls talk through their tension, share apologies, and move past their drama. HELL YES, BACHELOR! You are giving Bachelor Nation what they NEED: women being kind to women so as to counter balance the bad vibes from Demi's insistence that any woman over the age of 32 be walked off a plank.

Tomi Lahren Bratz Doll gets annoyed at Courtney's negative attitude (which I sort of get—Courtney was a DOWNER, but also, maybe just avoid her and drink more? Ya ever think about THAT solution, Pile of Hair Who Resembles a Tween Cheerleader?). She confronts Colton and claims that Courtney "attacked" her (huh?) then calls Courtney the "cancer of the house"  (oh man I thought that was Bernie Sanders nickname!). Courtney then has alone time with Colton and insists that Demi isn't here for the right reasons. Oh man—Courtney and Demi are the new Caelynn and Hannah and that shit is TIRED.

Courtney confronts Demi and the group in hilarious fashion, saying, "POLL: Raise your hand if you think that I am the cancer of the house" and Demi shoots her hand up, as if she's answering a trivia question about whether Bratz Dolls are better than Barbie Dolls. Courtney and Demi get INTO IT which is hilarious to the assembled crew and Katie and Kirpa give great face.

[I WILL INSERT 2 PHOTOS HERE WHENEVER THEY ARRIVE VIA EMAIL BECAUSE PHOTOS TAKE ME LITERALLY 4-5 HOURS TO RECEIVE FROM MY PHONE TO MY LAPTOP. AINT TECHNOLOGY GREAT?]

Finally, it's rose ceremony time and there are a LOT of ladies in red. Tayshia, Demi, and Caelynn already have roses and that feels like a whole lotta vowels in 3 names, don't you think?

Who else scores roses and who flew about 18 hours only to get dumped?

Roses go to:

-Hannah G. (despite the Express style dress, she looks good)
-Heather (Never Been Kissed is embracing the Jerry Hall look with a low cut, Studio 54 style sparkly dress or romper, I couldn't tell which)
-Kirpa (red dress, cool necklace, slow burn, personality??)
-Hannah B. (blue gown with great beading and I'm happy that she's back in action!)
-Katie (LOVING this look—high neckline, very covered up white blousy-y dress with hair in a sorta 70s side part)
-Elyse (red hair back, sparkly eyes, SERIOUS fake lashes, and beaded sequin dress—clutch)
-Sydney (white, strapless dress that looked a lil bonkers bridal—surprising pick, from a girl whose style I normally dig)
-Cassie (blonde girl with sorta badly curled hair whose fashion sense is always too casual and I think that I just need to accept that fact)
-Nicole (red dress, cross neckline, boobs propped up in a flattering bra)
-Onyeka (dark lip, black dress, fierce look)

So who is flying another 18 hours home to be depressed but be unable to confide in their hometown friends because they signed an Non-Disclosure Agreement?

-Tracy (dark-haired "cougar" who Demi hated)
-Courtney (dark-haired Georgia native who is 23 but has poise and grace, unlike Demi, so Demi hated)

So it was a good night for Demi, back night for the human race.  What can ya do?

Next week they head to THAILAND and I hope someone tells Hannah G. where that is!

Bachelor Colton: Ep 3: Pageant Girl Dramz

Hey lovers!

I just finished watching The Bachelor and, in the interest of getting this post up sooner than later (the past 2 haven't gone up until Thursday and I'm so ashamed!), I'm going to try and hit the high level topics and not do as much rambling as I normally do.

The episode opens with a reminder that there are some pairs of ladies who do NOT get along in the house: Tracy vs. Demi, Sydney vs. Onyeka, Caelyn vs. Alabama Hannah. And this sets the tone for the episode.

This week there will be 3 dates: 2 group dates and a 1:1.

The first group date is a pirate show in downtown LA and the gang is Katie, Heather (who is a Jerry Hall look-alike and it FINALLY occurred to me), Alabama Hanna, Courtney, Kirpa, Tracy, Demi, and Caelyn. So within that group of 8, we have 2 pairs of women who are not getting along. These producers are smart/shameless!

The gals arrive to the venue looking like an ATHLETA catalogue come-to-life and Colton does a bizarro pirate show, then puts the ladies through pirate training, which is a 2 step process: put on a slutty Pirate outfit then perform challenges pulled straight out of American Gladiator. Ummm OK.

Hannah hates watching Caelyn flirt with Colton, going so far as to say, "the Hannah monster is going to come out" and HOO BOY I cannot tell if Alabama Hannah is sort of a maniac OR she is just getting a BAD edit from these TV show magicians and she's actually a perfectly normal girl who just tends to say strange things that make for bonkers sound bites.

That night, at the post-pirate show afterparty, Colton makes a toast to the women saying, "it's really cool to see all of your personalities come out" as if this the ladies are a bunch of literal babies.

Katie (rocking a sharp, silver dress that contrasts her skin beautifully) is like a sleeper cell. She and Colton are SO cute with each other and I don't think that anyone else in the house fully sees how much Colton vibes with Katie.

Demi wears a chintzy, light blue, lace cocktail dress and interrupts Courtney's (Georgia Peach) time with Colton so that she can lead him to an isolated area, blindfold him, and paddle him (dear reader, how I wish I were kidding about all of this) THEN she somehow gets her hands on a fake, wooden hand (WTF is going on here!?) and uses that hand to touch down his torso almost to his "chank" as the kids call it (well, THIS kid calls it that). That whole thing was BIZARRE. Before Demi started touching Colton intimately without asking, she swore a few times, saying "I just want to F you" or something like that. This BOLD THIRSTINESS is NOT a good look, but Demi is too immature to see that.

When Demi returns to the ladies, Courtney very calmly comments on Demi's tone in conversation and Demi SNAPS at her and then whines about how the women are intimidated by her confidence. She spouts off about how untouchable she is and WOWIE ZOWIE it's like watching a blonde, skinnier Tierra (from Sean Lowe's season) in that Demi is SO CONFIDENT when we can all clearly see that the dude has almost NO interest in her. At best, he finds her mildly entertaining, at worst, producers are forcing him to keep her around. Mark my words: she is NOT a contender.

The Caelyn/Alabama Hannah tension BREAKS OUT and my theory is this: Caelyn is actually the bad guy here and she's a Mean Girl but no one suspects it because she is very poised, but SHE is throwing Hannah under the bus and Colton doesn't know quite WHO is the kookoo bird because Hannah isn't quite as poised or calm, so SHE seems like the one who is lying and is manipulative and deceptive, when in fact, THAT person is Caelyn.

Watching Caelyn and Colton vibe has got Hannah "BEFUMBLED" and by that word, I assume she means "bewildered." Hannah unwisely spends her limited alone time with Colton trying to warn Colton that Caelyn is a bad person, but she literally mostly just LOOKS at him and says that the pageant environment was high stress and hostile, then Colton fills in the rest, literally saying, "is she mean? Manipulative? Fake?" and Hannah just smirks back. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!? Colton seems like he does NOT want this drama, but then he is REALLY wading into it.

Hannah leaves their alone time feeling like shit and Bachelor Nation doesn't know who to believe!!

Colton immediately confronts Caelyn about it and she gets teary-eyed, says that there were real, major issues with that ("real life shit") and starts crying a bit and saying that she didn't want to speak about it this early and I TRULY DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE!! Meanwhile, Hannah is very foolish to, essentially, drop an ultimatum on Colton by saying that if he likes Caelyn, he can't like her. Ladies have used this line before (remember when Ali dropped it on Jake Pavelka with regard to Vienna? God my brain is ROTTEN with Bachelor references) and it is NEVER a good call. Also, it is too early in the season for ANY type of ultimatum!! Come on! Leave that shit for hometowns!!

Colton is tired of the Hannah/Caelyn drama and it's only just begun! 

The next day, Caelyn does something whistle stop tour for the hearts and minds of the other contestants, telling many assembled ladies that she can't stop crying, she can't sleep, she's shaking, but wait, WHAT IS IT ALL ABOUT? Can SOMEONE please get specific? Literally, all we know is they had a falling out and SOMEONE is deceptive and manipulative?? HUH?? Could I get a real example of this behavior? Unspecific, vague drama is the worst kind of drama.

The next day, proud member of the "Cougar Den," Elyse (redhead, 31) rocks a cute blouse, tight pants, and heels for a day with Colton. They hop a limo to a helicopter to Belmont Park, San Diego for a day at an amusement park with a gang of the CUTEST kiddos! I could NOT get over how sweet those tykes were. The day was VERY cute and completely exhausting.

We learn that Colton's cousin was born with Cystic Fibrosis and that inspired his charity and later in the date we learn that Elyse's sister died from complications in her 2nd pregnancy and because of that, her family started a foundation to "turn darkness into goodness" and WOW these people are sexy as hell AND philanthropy-minded and I've never felt more lazy and ugly. JK JK!

Elyse's story about her late sister was a heartbreaker and speaks to the way that women are often seen solely as incubators and the medical establishment seems to prioritize the health of a fetus over a LIVING woman who is already here and has clocked in 20-30 years on this planet. It's great that Elyse's family has this wonderful 2nd baby, but I'm sure she misses her sister like crazy! What a story.

Colton gives Elyse the rose and then takes her into a theater where country singer Tenille Arts (huh? I am INTO country music and I was still wondering, is that the name of a singer or a performing arts foundation?) is belting a song so that the couple can stand up on a tiny stage, make out, and be photographed by iPhone-addicted strangers.

The next day is a group date the makes a Tough Mudder look like a walk in the park and the crew is Tayshia, Nina, Catherine, Sydney, Onyeka, Cassie, Nicole, and Caitlin. Again, the ladies are done up in athleisure wear and Bachelor Nation catches some CHOICE images of a shirtless Colton rolling a giant tire and doing push ups. As Miami spitfire Nicole would say, "gracias papi!"

The date is a day at the gym being trained by Terry Crews and his wife Rebecca Crews! OMG Terry Crews is such a gem—literally, his take on EVERYthing lately is so right. Toxic masculinity, boundaries, gender norms—Terry Crews talks about all of it and is on the right side of history! The ladies all workout and Sydney aces the day because she's a dancer and is active. Nicole struggles because she considers dog walking to be a workout, and the day climaxes with a "Strongest Woman Competition."

The competition includes some intense exercises: pushing a 100 pound wedding cake on a cart down a lane, flipping a 150 pound tire down a lane, pulling a limo on your back (they MUST have taken the  engine out, right?) and Sydney, Catherine, and Onyeka do the best, then Onyeka wins the whole shebang and I gotta say, commercial realtor/DJ Catherine REALLY surprised me on this one.

That night, everyone is dressed up (and, no doubt, sore as hell) and Colton makes a toast to strong, confident women because The Bachelor knows how to leverage popular themes that are currently in the zeitgeist. In their chats, Caitlin (Canadian girl who hasn't done much this season) makes a comment about feeling pressure and Catherine (realtor/DJ/Florida in a nutshell) makes a comment about how you shouldn't feel pressure—the connection is simply there or it's not and while I get what she means, that comment reminded me of the sort of lazy defeatism of Juan Pablo. Anyone else?

I'm sure producers included that quote, though, as a foreshadowing to Caitlin's alone time with Colton which was HARD TO WATCH!! I haven't seen someone bring LESS to the table since the time that I ordered a white wine and the waiter forgot to BRING IT TO THE TABLE! (ZIIIING!) Colton is a jovial guy and seems VERY easy to make conversation with, but Caitlin can't seem to figure out how to talk! This is the SECOND time this season that a good-looking girl dropping in bronzer has been dumbstruck around Colton. Caitlin looks gorgeous in bright red pants, a white bra top thing, and cute jewelry but she can't get a conversation going! She says that she doesn't have anything in her life that would make her stand out (perhaps a reaction to Producer prodding?) and that is fine, but Caitlin, do you have maybe some HOBBIES or OPINIONS or funny things that have ever happened to you in your life? It was bonkers to watch someone fail SO hard at simply making conversation!

Colton tries a few times to draw her out or get her to SAY something interesting, but she cannot and the chemistry is simply NOT there, so he wastes no time, saying, "I just don't think that you are for me... so I would like to walk you out" and I give him credit. Don't waste her time and there are some people who you just don't vibe with and that's OK.  Caitlin seems stunned, asks him to please NOT hold her hand, and wonders if he will regret this decision later on. Probably not. Bye, girl.

Nicole and Colton smooch and he assures her that he can tell how much she cares, then she says, "gracias, Papi" which was equal parts bizarre and sexy. Colton and Onyeka have fun alone time but are they stuck in the friend zone? Nicole scores the group date rose and all the ladies are stunned that Caitlin was sent home so abruptly. 

The next day is a pool party for the ladies and Colton and in typical Demi style, as soon as Colton arrives to the house, she commands him to strip down and sprays him with oil. Giiiirl. I know that you think this "super pushy dominant" thing is sexy but it's just sad and thisty. Try a slower burn—trust me.

Blonde Hannah (first date rose) have 1:1 time because she didn't have any dates this week and he assures her that he's into her (and he's using a standard strategy: keep the ones you really like on the group dates, in the mix, then put on the gas later on).

The Alabama Hannah/Caelyn/Colton love triangle becomes a real DEVIL'S TRIANGLE (hahhah ahhh Brett Kavanaugh is a monster and a supreme court justice! Random aside) and Colton spends most of the sunny afternoon toggling between conversations with Caelyn and Hannah. Again, it's a ton of vague comments about which one of them is fake and deceptive and which one is not. Caelyn paints it as Hannah being jealous of her success in the Miss USA pageant (Caelyn was runner-up) but that strikes me as almost too easy/poetic. I think that I'm Team Alabama Hannah because Caelyn is full of shit.

That night it's rose ceremony time and a few gals already have roses: Nicole (Miami gal), Elyse (redheaded "cougar"), and Caelyn (whose dress resembles a VCR box circa 1989). The assembled ladies are looking gorgeous in an assortment of rompers and I LOVE that trend so much. Who scores a rose?

-Hannah G: first impression rose. White girl with blonde hair, very cute, rocking a black romper.
-Tayshia: Black girl who made a great impression on the last group date, has great taste in interesting necklines on her dresses/blouses.
-Katie: Black girl with her hair down, super sequin cocktail dress. Sleeper cell, baby!
-Cassie: White girl with blonde hair who could stand to use a lil volumizer. I relate to having thin hair! Cassie, I am here to help!
-Kirpa: Indian girl who seems easygoing, agreeable. Gorgeous look in her royal blue dress, showing a lil cleavage.
-Sydney: Asian girl who got some GOOD stretching done with Colton on the group date. I love her taste in dresses—so many dramatic cut-outs, modern looks.
-Demi: White lady with blonde hair who is both thirsty and corny ("thorny"?) and responds to Colton's rose with "I am ecstatic to accept this rose." CALM DOWN, girl.
-Tracy: Brunette Cougar Town, baby! I dig her more than I thought I would and her dramatic maroon dress is showing off both cleavage AND side-boob. More is more!
-Courtney: Black girl with long hair who always looks gorgeous (to the point that I wonder if she sleeps in fake eyelashes) rocking a stunning red dress.
-Heather: White girl with long, platinum hair who is sporting a royal blue romper and serving Jerry Hall realness.

I mean, don't you see it?

-Onyeka: Black girl with a jewelry box full of stunning earrings wearing a bold, red dress.
-Alabama Hannah: White girl with brown/blonde hair in the the last spot because producers love a dramatic storyline. She's wearing a baby pink romper with interesting neckline and I fear that the Caelyn drama will eat her alive.

So who is leaving the Bachelor Manse? 3 BLONDES!! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT!? LITERALLY I FEEL LIKE I AM LIVING IN CRAZY TOWN!

Said blondes are:
-Bri: White girl, knockout model who is truly STUNNING to look at but perhaps doesn't have much personality? I mean, you look at her and you're like, "how do you exist, you are SO frigging beautiful?" but Colton is sending her packing. Even hotties get their hearts broken.
-Nina: White girl with blonde hair from Croatia who didn't show us much of who she is and didn't seem to connect with Colton, so not a big surprise.
-Catherine: White girl with blonde hair from Florida (the infamous commercial realtor/DJ) who came into the season guns blazing and left with a wimper. Man, you never can tell, huh? She seemed contrarian to be contrarian which I find tiresome as hell and I suspect that she was lying about her age and pumped full of fillers BUT she had great taste in clothes, I must admit. On her final night she wore a BOLD, yellow dress and I give her credit—few white women with blonde hair can pull off yellow.

Next week we travel to Singapore and Hannah continues to get a bad edit. TUNE IN!