Tuesday, January 22, 2019

Bachelor Colton: Ep 3: Pageant Girl Dramz

Hey lovers!

I just finished watching The Bachelor and, in the interest of getting this post up sooner than later (the past 2 haven't gone up until Thursday and I'm so ashamed!), I'm going to try and hit the high level topics and not do as much rambling as I normally do.

The episode opens with a reminder that there are some pairs of ladies who do NOT get along in the house: Tracy vs. Demi, Sydney vs. Onyeka, Caelyn vs. Alabama Hannah. And this sets the tone for the episode.

This week there will be 3 dates: 2 group dates and a 1:1.

The first group date is a pirate show in downtown LA and the gang is Katie, Heather (who is a Jerry Hall look-alike and it FINALLY occurred to me), Alabama Hanna, Courtney, Kirpa, Tracy, Demi, and Caelyn. So within that group of 8, we have 2 pairs of women who are not getting along. These producers are smart/shameless!

The gals arrive to the venue looking like an ATHLETA catalogue come-to-life and Colton does a bizarro pirate show, then puts the ladies through pirate training, which is a 2 step process: put on a slutty Pirate outfit then perform challenges pulled straight out of American Gladiator. Ummm OK.

Hannah hates watching Caelyn flirt with Colton, going so far as to say, "the Hannah monster is going to come out" and HOO BOY I cannot tell if Alabama Hannah is sort of a maniac OR she is just getting a BAD edit from these TV show magicians and she's actually a perfectly normal girl who just tends to say strange things that make for bonkers sound bites.

That night, at the post-pirate show afterparty, Colton makes a toast to the women saying, "it's really cool to see all of your personalities come out" as if this the ladies are a bunch of literal babies.

Katie (rocking a sharp, silver dress that contrasts her skin beautifully) is like a sleeper cell. She and Colton are SO cute with each other and I don't think that anyone else in the house fully sees how much Colton vibes with Katie.

Demi wears a chintzy, light blue, lace cocktail dress and interrupts Courtney's (Georgia Peach) time with Colton so that she can lead him to an isolated area, blindfold him, and paddle him (dear reader, how I wish I were kidding about all of this) THEN she somehow gets her hands on a fake, wooden hand (WTF is going on here!?) and uses that hand to touch down his torso almost to his "chank" as the kids call it (well, THIS kid calls it that). That whole thing was BIZARRE. Before Demi started touching Colton intimately without asking, she swore a few times, saying "I just want to F you" or something like that. This BOLD THIRSTINESS is NOT a good look, but Demi is too immature to see that.

When Demi returns to the ladies, Courtney very calmly comments on Demi's tone in conversation and Demi SNAPS at her and then whines about how the women are intimidated by her confidence. She spouts off about how untouchable she is and WOWIE ZOWIE it's like watching a blonde, skinnier Tierra (from Sean Lowe's season) in that Demi is SO CONFIDENT when we can all clearly see that the dude has almost NO interest in her. At best, he finds her mildly entertaining, at worst, producers are forcing him to keep her around. Mark my words: she is NOT a contender.

The Caelyn/Alabama Hannah tension BREAKS OUT and my theory is this: Caelyn is actually the bad guy here and she's a Mean Girl but no one suspects it because she is very poised, but SHE is throwing Hannah under the bus and Colton doesn't know quite WHO is the kookoo bird because Hannah isn't quite as poised or calm, so SHE seems like the one who is lying and is manipulative and deceptive, when in fact, THAT person is Caelyn.

Watching Caelyn and Colton vibe has got Hannah "BEFUMBLED" and by that word, I assume she means "bewildered." Hannah unwisely spends her limited alone time with Colton trying to warn Colton that Caelyn is a bad person, but she literally mostly just LOOKS at him and says that the pageant environment was high stress and hostile, then Colton fills in the rest, literally saying, "is she mean? Manipulative? Fake?" and Hannah just smirks back. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!? Colton seems like he does NOT want this drama, but then he is REALLY wading into it.

Hannah leaves their alone time feeling like shit and Bachelor Nation doesn't know who to believe!!

Colton immediately confronts Caelyn about it and she gets teary-eyed, says that there were real, major issues with that ("real life shit") and starts crying a bit and saying that she didn't want to speak about it this early and I TRULY DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE!! Meanwhile, Hannah is very foolish to, essentially, drop an ultimatum on Colton by saying that if he likes Caelyn, he can't like her. Ladies have used this line before (remember when Ali dropped it on Jake Pavelka with regard to Vienna? God my brain is ROTTEN with Bachelor references) and it is NEVER a good call. Also, it is too early in the season for ANY type of ultimatum!! Come on! Leave that shit for hometowns!!

Colton is tired of the Hannah/Caelyn drama and it's only just begun! 

The next day, Caelyn does something whistle stop tour for the hearts and minds of the other contestants, telling many assembled ladies that she can't stop crying, she can't sleep, she's shaking, but wait, WHAT IS IT ALL ABOUT? Can SOMEONE please get specific? Literally, all we know is they had a falling out and SOMEONE is deceptive and manipulative?? HUH?? Could I get a real example of this behavior? Unspecific, vague drama is the worst kind of drama.

The next day, proud member of the "Cougar Den," Elyse (redhead, 31) rocks a cute blouse, tight pants, and heels for a day with Colton. They hop a limo to a helicopter to Belmont Park, San Diego for a day at an amusement park with a gang of the CUTEST kiddos! I could NOT get over how sweet those tykes were. The day was VERY cute and completely exhausting.

We learn that Colton's cousin was born with Cystic Fibrosis and that inspired his charity and later in the date we learn that Elyse's sister died from complications in her 2nd pregnancy and because of that, her family started a foundation to "turn darkness into goodness" and WOW these people are sexy as hell AND philanthropy-minded and I've never felt more lazy and ugly. JK JK!

Elyse's story about her late sister was a heartbreaker and speaks to the way that women are often seen solely as incubators and the medical establishment seems to prioritize the health of a fetus over a LIVING woman who is already here and has clocked in 20-30 years on this planet. It's great that Elyse's family has this wonderful 2nd baby, but I'm sure she misses her sister like crazy! What a story.

Colton gives Elyse the rose and then takes her into a theater where country singer Tenille Arts (huh? I am INTO country music and I was still wondering, is that the name of a singer or a performing arts foundation?) is belting a song so that the couple can stand up on a tiny stage, make out, and be photographed by iPhone-addicted strangers.

The next day is a group date the makes a Tough Mudder look like a walk in the park and the crew is Tayshia, Nina, Catherine, Sydney, Onyeka, Cassie, Nicole, and Caitlin. Again, the ladies are done up in athleisure wear and Bachelor Nation catches some CHOICE images of a shirtless Colton rolling a giant tire and doing push ups. As Miami spitfire Nicole would say, "gracias papi!"

The date is a day at the gym being trained by Terry Crews and his wife Rebecca Crews! OMG Terry Crews is such a gem—literally, his take on EVERYthing lately is so right. Toxic masculinity, boundaries, gender norms—Terry Crews talks about all of it and is on the right side of history! The ladies all workout and Sydney aces the day because she's a dancer and is active. Nicole struggles because she considers dog walking to be a workout, and the day climaxes with a "Strongest Woman Competition."

The competition includes some intense exercises: pushing a 100 pound wedding cake on a cart down a lane, flipping a 150 pound tire down a lane, pulling a limo on your back (they MUST have taken the  engine out, right?) and Sydney, Catherine, and Onyeka do the best, then Onyeka wins the whole shebang and I gotta say, commercial realtor/DJ Catherine REALLY surprised me on this one.

That night, everyone is dressed up (and, no doubt, sore as hell) and Colton makes a toast to strong, confident women because The Bachelor knows how to leverage popular themes that are currently in the zeitgeist. In their chats, Caitlin (Canadian girl who hasn't done much this season) makes a comment about feeling pressure and Catherine (realtor/DJ/Florida in a nutshell) makes a comment about how you shouldn't feel pressure—the connection is simply there or it's not and while I get what she means, that comment reminded me of the sort of lazy defeatism of Juan Pablo. Anyone else?

I'm sure producers included that quote, though, as a foreshadowing to Caitlin's alone time with Colton which was HARD TO WATCH!! I haven't seen someone bring LESS to the table since the time that I ordered a white wine and the waiter forgot to BRING IT TO THE TABLE! (ZIIIING!) Colton is a jovial guy and seems VERY easy to make conversation with, but Caitlin can't seem to figure out how to talk! This is the SECOND time this season that a good-looking girl dropping in bronzer has been dumbstruck around Colton. Caitlin looks gorgeous in bright red pants, a white bra top thing, and cute jewelry but she can't get a conversation going! She says that she doesn't have anything in her life that would make her stand out (perhaps a reaction to Producer prodding?) and that is fine, but Caitlin, do you have maybe some HOBBIES or OPINIONS or funny things that have ever happened to you in your life? It was bonkers to watch someone fail SO hard at simply making conversation!

Colton tries a few times to draw her out or get her to SAY something interesting, but she cannot and the chemistry is simply NOT there, so he wastes no time, saying, "I just don't think that you are for me... so I would like to walk you out" and I give him credit. Don't waste her time and there are some people who you just don't vibe with and that's OK.  Caitlin seems stunned, asks him to please NOT hold her hand, and wonders if he will regret this decision later on. Probably not. Bye, girl.

Nicole and Colton smooch and he assures her that he can tell how much she cares, then she says, "gracias, Papi" which was equal parts bizarre and sexy. Colton and Onyeka have fun alone time but are they stuck in the friend zone? Nicole scores the group date rose and all the ladies are stunned that Caitlin was sent home so abruptly. 

The next day is a pool party for the ladies and Colton and in typical Demi style, as soon as Colton arrives to the house, she commands him to strip down and sprays him with oil. Giiiirl. I know that you think this "super pushy dominant" thing is sexy but it's just sad and thisty. Try a slower burn—trust me.

Blonde Hannah (first date rose) have 1:1 time because she didn't have any dates this week and he assures her that he's into her (and he's using a standard strategy: keep the ones you really like on the group dates, in the mix, then put on the gas later on).

The Alabama Hannah/Caelyn/Colton love triangle becomes a real DEVIL'S TRIANGLE (hahhah ahhh Brett Kavanaugh is a monster and a supreme court justice! Random aside) and Colton spends most of the sunny afternoon toggling between conversations with Caelyn and Hannah. Again, it's a ton of vague comments about which one of them is fake and deceptive and which one is not. Caelyn paints it as Hannah being jealous of her success in the Miss USA pageant (Caelyn was runner-up) but that strikes me as almost too easy/poetic. I think that I'm Team Alabama Hannah because Caelyn is full of shit.

That night it's rose ceremony time and a few gals already have roses: Nicole (Miami gal), Elyse (redheaded "cougar"), and Caelyn (whose dress resembles a VCR box circa 1989). The assembled ladies are looking gorgeous in an assortment of rompers and I LOVE that trend so much. Who scores a rose?

-Hannah G: first impression rose. White girl with blonde hair, very cute, rocking a black romper.
-Tayshia: Black girl who made a great impression on the last group date, has great taste in interesting necklines on her dresses/blouses.
-Katie: Black girl with her hair down, super sequin cocktail dress. Sleeper cell, baby!
-Cassie: White girl with blonde hair who could stand to use a lil volumizer. I relate to having thin hair! Cassie, I am here to help!
-Kirpa: Indian girl who seems easygoing, agreeable. Gorgeous look in her royal blue dress, showing a lil cleavage.
-Sydney: Asian girl who got some GOOD stretching done with Colton on the group date. I love her taste in dresses—so many dramatic cut-outs, modern looks.
-Demi: White lady with blonde hair who is both thirsty and corny ("thorny"?) and responds to Colton's rose with "I am ecstatic to accept this rose." CALM DOWN, girl.
-Tracy: Brunette Cougar Town, baby! I dig her more than I thought I would and her dramatic maroon dress is showing off both cleavage AND side-boob. More is more!
-Courtney: Black girl with long hair who always looks gorgeous (to the point that I wonder if she sleeps in fake eyelashes) rocking a stunning red dress.
-Heather: White girl with long, platinum hair who is sporting a royal blue romper and serving Jerry Hall realness.

I mean, don't you see it?

-Onyeka: Black girl with a jewelry box full of stunning earrings wearing a bold, red dress.
-Alabama Hannah: White girl with brown/blonde hair in the the last spot because producers love a dramatic storyline. She's wearing a baby pink romper with interesting neckline and I fear that the Caelyn drama will eat her alive.


Said blondes are:
-Bri: White girl, knockout model who is truly STUNNING to look at but perhaps doesn't have much personality? I mean, you look at her and you're like, "how do you exist, you are SO frigging beautiful?" but Colton is sending her packing. Even hotties get their hearts broken.
-Nina: White girl with blonde hair from Croatia who didn't show us much of who she is and didn't seem to connect with Colton, so not a big surprise.
-Catherine: White girl with blonde hair from Florida (the infamous commercial realtor/DJ) who came into the season guns blazing and left with a wimper. Man, you never can tell, huh? She seemed contrarian to be contrarian which I find tiresome as hell and I suspect that she was lying about her age and pumped full of fillers BUT she had great taste in clothes, I must admit. On her final night she wore a BOLD, yellow dress and I give her credit—few white women with blonde hair can pull off yellow.

Next week we travel to Singapore and Hannah continues to get a bad edit. TUNE IN!

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