Thursday, January 10, 2019

Bachelor Colton Premier: LIKE A VIRGIN (DO YOU GET IT??)


Happy day-after-day-after-wha-day-it-is-anyway-after-Bachelor-premier day!! I'm so glad it's a national holiday because I am HUNGOVER!! JK JK I am in the midst of Dry January so I watched 3 hours of The Bachelor Monday night while chugging tea and mocktails! Wheeee!

OK, first off, can we talk about how damn HARD ABC is hitting the VIRGIN thing re: Colton!??!?!!

I mean, I understand that every season they go with a sort of gimmick or theme/tagline that is usually derived from the Bachelor or Bachelorette's personality ("what's wrong with being confident" for Kaitlyn Bristow) or job (pilot Jake Pavelka's corny "on the wings of love" season) or mantra (recent Becca's "let's do the damn thing" tiresome catchphrase), but this just feels invasive.  And the entire episode felt invasive!! I realize that I sound like my 2nd to last therapist (and I ALSO realize that this sentence is the MOST NEW YORK sentence ever), but DOES NO ONE HAVE ANY SENSE OF BOUNDARIES ANYMORE!??!!

I guess that I give Colton credit that he's just rolling with the punches and he doesn't seem the least bit offended or annoyed by CONSTANT virginity questions (most of which are HIGHLY inappropriate and none of your damn business!), but nonetheless, I find the whole theme pretty damn distasteful!! Am I officially turning into an old grump?? I am!! Ahh well.

These promos for Colton's season are getting INSANE!! WE GET IT!!! 

OK, so if you watched Monday night, you know that it was a 3 hour tour and there was SO MUCH FLUFF.  It was truly BIZARRE how much extraneous shit went down.  There were 4 locations that had Bachelor alums (as I like to call them, "rejects") and cameras and Chris Harrison was toggling LIVE from Kaitlyn and Jojo at a watch party in Dallas, TX (along with Chris Harrison's GORGEOUS mother who seems lovely), Ashley I. and Jared at a watch party in Park City, Utah, Jason and Blake at a house party in Lansing, Michigan, and Chris Harrison at a theater in LA!!  We bounced between these places and celebrated Chris Harrison's 17th year as the defacto President of Bachelor Nation, watched 2 different couples get engaged LIVE on TV, had to witness Baby Talk Krystal and her weasely fiancee Chris in a G-D hot tub for NINETY MINUTES before we even got INTO the episode!! It was utter insanity!!  I was struck by how much the franchise is pushing an assortment of these alums--Kaitlyn, Jojo, Ashley I, Jared, and such.  Perhaps for spin-off opportunities? Lord, who knows!

I hosted a watch party at QED in Astoria Queens (and will mostly likely be hosting a finale watch party, so keep your ears open for that, New Yorkers) and we all wanted to just GET TO THE first night, please!!

First we saw some B roll footage of assorted women in their hometowns:

-Cassie the speech pathologist from Hunginton Beach, CA who needs to work on her curling wand skills.

-Hannah from Alabama (she calls herself Alabama Hannah which I love/hate) who was literally Miss Alabama 2018 and said that she is the "hot mess express" and a "total trainwreck" and goddamn I can't decide if I love her candor and free spirit or if I think she is setting feminism back 50 years!! Either way, she's very cute and I bet Colton will love her.

-Katie who is an east coast native but lives in Cali now. She loves dancing and refers to herself as "kinda weird" which I can definitely respect. 

-Heather the SUPER long-haired blonde from Calsbad, CA who is 22 and has NEVER BEEN KISSED! OR HUMPED! YIKES, man. I mean, how do you make it through your teen years without ANY of that? I was VERY UGLY when I was an adolescent and yet some scuzzy dude wanted to lick my tongue, ya know? 

-Onyeka who is from Dallas, TX and whose parents dated for TWO WEEKS before they got married. Lemme tell ya--when your parents have a super short courtship, it really screws up your sense of what a normal timeline for a relationship is.  My parents got engaged after 2 months! And I ruin all my relationships! Wheeeee! 

Plus we meet Nicole (Miami girl who seems fun and kind), Kirpa (super sweet dental hygenist), and Demi (sorta monster 23 year old know-it-all who seems to be intent on living the "Cool Girl" monologue from GONE GIRL).

Then Colton comes out and chats with Chris Harrison (another departure from season's past when all participants would seemed to be locked up in the Bachelor Manse until the big finale) and we see a slide show of Colton as a pudgy kiddo (SO CUTE) and we get SOME window into his perpetual virgin status, as we learn that he used to be pudgy and socially awkward and he hated school. Dude--my heart goes out to you. I think that a LOT of people relate to the "former fat kid" thing (and "fat kid" can be code for myriad insecurities--pasty white kid or kid from a different background than most other kids in his/her town or kid with a birthmark on his/her face or kid with a disability or kid who just didn't quite feel comfortable in his/her own skin) and--dare I say--I felt like that peek into his childhood humanized Colton. OH BACHELOR, DON'T TOY WITH MY EMOTIONS!!!

We see some footage of Chris Harrison saying that some people think that Colton's "not a man" because he's a virgin (lil unnecessarily harsh, huh?) and, at long last, it's time for the arrivals and I could barely keep my eyes open. Chop chop, people!

Oh no wait BUT FIRST, we gotta watch a montage of Bachelor couples/families!! Jason and Molly and their kids! Evan and Carly and their kid! JP and Ashley and their kids! Desiree and Chris and their kid! Jade and Tanner and their kid! Trista and Ryan and their kids! And the most reviled couple in Bachelor history, Arie and Lauren and a photo of their fetus!  It was like some sort of super conservative, super heteronormative film strip pushing young Americans to marry and have children!

THEN we caught up with Krystal and "Goose" (weasely Chris) in a hot tub.  Was anyone else unnerved by the fact that they were both holding mics mere inches from a bubbling hot tub? Just me?

OK, after MORE fluff and weird D list appearances by Bachelor franchise has-beens, it was FINALLY time for the arrivals!  I can't go through them 1 by 1 because it's just too much, but I will summarize in bullet form because you know I love a bulleted list.

  • Demi was first out the gate which was a SHOCKING choice since the producers usually start strong. She wore separates that look like they were purchased at the Sandals Resort gift shop after her luggage was lost but she was determined to make the best of it. When Colton remarked on the color, she said "banana yellow" and then insulted him, saying that she hadn't dated a virgin since she was 12. Good luck, biiiiiiiish! 
  • Caelyn (Miss North Carolina) wore her pageant sash (barf) BUT I liked her cute maneuver when she flipped it over to show that it said "Mrs. Underwood." Lil aggressive, but memorable. 
  • Sydney's black dress had the COOLEST neckline. 
  • Tayshia made a great first impression by commenting on how Colton loves kids. 
  • Caitlin (brunette from Canada) and Katie (black dress, we met her above) both opened with crewd jokes about popping his cherry/taking his V card and Colton was a good sport BUT I DO NOT LIKE IT, YOUNG LADIES! 
  • The lone Masshole of the show (Alex D from Cape Cod) wore a Sloth outfit and REALLY COMMITTED to the bit which I respect yet think it's a bad move when you are up against 2 Miss America constants, a few models, and an NBA dancer. 
  • Bri (aka Dead Eyes) is a model from Cali and she faked an Australian accent which I suppose is cute, although I hate any type of lying. She ALSO looks like a poor man's Lauren Bushnell, so that may need to be her nickname. Or maybe a hybrid--Dead Eyed Lauren Bushnell? 
  • Tracy arrived in a cop car and called herself the fashion police (she's a wardrobe stylist). Problematic tweets from Tracy's past have already been unearthed and I'll be curious to see how long she kicks around--especially because she's 31, which is elderly in Bachelor years.
  • Catherine (this season's Tierra/Courtney/Rozlyn/Krystal) is a commercial real estate agent/DJ FROM FLORIDA!! One more time, she has a job that I have known to be ONLY the vocation of absolute SHITBAG men (commercial real estate) PLUS she is ALSO a DJ who goes by DJ AGRO and sweet baby Jesu you can't make this stuff up!  She is blonde and from Florida and most likely lying about her age and pumped full of fillers (Florida's gonna Florida) AND she arrives with her TINY DOG who she immediately hands off to COLTON to take care of because she's manipulative and has no boundaries!! AHHHHHH!!!! I CAN'T EVEN! 
  • The last girl has listed her job as "Cinderella" and what man doesn't love a woman who is obsessed with fairy tales, am I right!?!?  She arrives in a goddamn horse-drawn carriage and a periwinkle dress, then leaves her shoe with Colton and tells him to find her before midnight. Woof. Sorry, Erin, 29 from Plano, TX, nobody is into your corny gimmick.  
The cocktail party pops off and as soon as Colton is done making a toast to new beginnings, falling in love, and taking chances,  Demi grabs him, much to the ire of the other 28 women and 1 sloth.  She, again, puts HIM in the hot seat and patronizes him and I just hope he is SEEING her, you know? Also, am I the only one who is SO MUCH more aware of these dynamics and manipulations than I used to be? Goddamn adulthood is wonderful. 

Colton talks to a ton of the ladies: Erika (silver dress and fishtail braid, she gave him nuts at the door because McNut is her last name), Hannah (a "content creator" which means a rich girl who likes Instagram although I DO LIKE her gold dress/overall style), Caelyn (Miss North Carolina, who scores the first kiss on the front steps), Sydney (who tries to teach him ballroom dancing as a string quartet plays one of my favorite songs, Clair De Lune), Tayshia (who makes a fake carnival?), Alex B (the sloth who FINALLY removes her sloth costume to reveal a pretty brutal personality--sorry, Mass girl--you're on your own), and Catherine (this season's captain of Team Misery).  Catherine cuts in on other women's conversation with Colton FOUR TIMES, to the point that Colton makes a joke of it but it felt like a subtle attempt for him to express frustration with her constant interrupting.  I give credit to Onyeka who not only disrupted Catherine to give her a taste of her own medicine, but later pulled DJ Agro aside and warned her that she was making enemies by constantly cutting in.  Colton kisses Cassie (speech pathologist whose white dress with floral pattern is just too casual for ARRIVAL NIGHT, I'm sorry) and Katie (cute girl from above who seems very genuine).  Finally Alabama Hannah gets some long-awaited face time with Colton and she makes a solid impression and they do a pinky swear thing which was very cute.

"Content Creator" Hannah (gold dress, gold box as opening gift to Colton) scores the First Impression Rose and she is very cute and surprised by it. Perhaps I can see past her non-job.  She IS a blonde, after all, so I should support one of my sisters in peroxide.

OK gals.  It's Thursday now and mama's tired.  Let's jump to the rose ceremony which took place IN THE MORNING, no joke. Not even at sunrise--it looked like MID DAY by the time these poor ladies were accepted or rejected.  Here is who scored roses:

-Caelyn (Miss North Carolina who is cute, but also reminds me of girls who you sort of think are cute, when you're really just seeing a LOT of hair and a big smile, you know?)
-Katie (they have chemistry no doubt and her black dress was a classy choice)
-Alex B. (BIG smile, brunette sparkly green dress who entered with Love Actually-style posterboards because she's sick. Cute move, gorgeous gal.)
-Hanna B. (Alabama Hannah whose dress was perfection--pageant girls know how to do it)
-Onyika (wise sage of the episode whose sparkly, silver dress was a perfect look)
-Caitlin (Canadian brunette who was--turns out--rocking a red romper and I LOVE her for that choice)
-Annie (blonde in a periwinkle dress with a silver belt thing. She seems sweet, inoffensive.)
-Kirpa (dental hygienist in super sparkly purple dress and a cool French braid thing, but the earrings/necklace were too much. Let's keep an eye on her accessories this season, gang.)
-Heather (never been kissed blondie in a fierce, red dress)
-Elyse (lone redhead in a blue dress with her hair pushed to one side AND YOU KNOW I LOVE A HAIR-TO-ONE-SIDE LOOK, BABY!)
-Tayshia (seems cool and rocked a gorgeous one shoulder silver dress)
-Courtney (Georgia peach who didn't get much face time with Colton, rocked a sparkly, blue dress)
-Cassie (blonde in white, patterned dress that I did NOT like, but Colton is INTO her)
-Demi (patronizing 23 year old (HA!! GOD LOOK AT THAT PHRASE) in "banana yellow" separates (ON PURPOSE?) I'm sorry but every little thing she does is THE WORST. I hate to be a hater but I am!)
-Nina (Croatian blonde seems fine)
-Erika (blonde in silver dress, fishtail braid who should work on her boundaries but lucky for her, she's gorgeous so she will have time to fix her personality)

**at this point in the thrill-a-minute rose ceremony, we heard a voice over of Tahzjuan (a gorgeous contestant who was, no doubt, anxious about whether she would be picked) said, "If I was a human being and I was looking for a wife..." seemingly, to talk about how some of these ladies are not "wife material" but NOTHING KILLS  ME MORE than her saying "if I was a human being." First off, she should use the subjunctive mood here ("if I were") but then, maybe not, because I ASSUME SHE IS A HUMAN BEING, NO?? What a bizarre comment! I love it! Back to the roses.**

-Sydney (NBA dancer in cool black dress whose ballrooom dancing seemed to impress Colton)
-Bri (Dead Eyed Lauren Bushnell in a red dress)
-Angelique (YES! She has amazing arms and rocked a stunning purplish pink dress)
-Tracy (WOOF. Fashion police girl who likes to mock fat people. I hope she doesn't stay long.)
-Nicole (Miami, green dress, she seems cool.)


-Catherine (the resident MONSTER who is a real estate agent/DJ and pawned her poor dog off onto Colton the moment she arrived. Get some boundaries, lady! But OF COURSE she's sticking around! The producers demanded it, no doubt. I WILL admit that I loved her red dress--super short, bell sleeves, fun look. Why has she gotta suck so much, though?)

So who is going home to launch an Instagram empire and sell us Fab, Fit, Fun Boxes via their apartment in Nashville?

-Sloth Cape Cod girl. Sometimes when you bet big, you lose big.
-Adrianne "Jane" who works in eldercare, but perhaps should have picked 1 name to go with?
-Tahzjuan who seemed cool and rocked a RAD dress, but maybe wasn't pushy enough as far as face time?
-Cinderella whose corny gimmick did NOT seem to impress Colton (good call, bro)
-Ravina the "nurse" and influencer. At least she can get back to her beloved music festivals.
-Devin who seemed fun, rocked a blush, sparkly dress but apparently didn't make an impression.
-Laura who resembled Snow White but apparently Colton is NOT having ANY Disney princesses. 

That is 7 girls sent home, which seems like more than usual, no? So we have 23 remaining, it seems. Also I am terrible at math and only here to make jokes and comment on hair/make-up, so whatevzzzz!!

Should be a RAD SEASON!!

Who are your favorites for this season???? Comment below!! xoxo

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