Bachelor Colton Premier: LIKE A VIRGIN (DO YOU GET IT??)

Lovebugs!!

Happy day-after-day-after-wha-day-it-is-anyway-after-Bachelor-premier day!! I'm so glad it's a national holiday because I am HUNGOVER!! JK JK I am in the midst of Dry January so I watched 3 hours of The Bachelor Monday night while chugging tea and mocktails! Wheeee!

OK, first off, can we talk about how damn HARD ABC is hitting the VIRGIN thing re: Colton!??!?!!

I mean, I understand that every season they go with a sort of gimmick or theme/tagline that is usually derived from the Bachelor or Bachelorette's personality ("what's wrong with being confident" for Kaitlyn Bristow) or job (pilot Jake Pavelka's corny "on the wings of love" season) or mantra (recent Becca's "let's do the damn thing" tiresome catchphrase), but this just feels invasive.  And the entire episode felt invasive!! I realize that I sound like my 2nd to last therapist (and I ALSO realize that this sentence is the MOST NEW YORK sentence ever), but DOES NO ONE HAVE ANY SENSE OF BOUNDARIES ANYMORE!??!!

I guess that I give Colton credit that he's just rolling with the punches and he doesn't seem the least bit offended or annoyed by CONSTANT virginity questions (most of which are HIGHLY inappropriate and none of your damn business!), but nonetheless, I find the whole theme pretty damn distasteful!! Am I officially turning into an old grump?? I am!! Ahh well.

These promos for Colton's season are getting INSANE!! WE GET IT!!! 

OK, so if you watched Monday night, you know that it was a 3 hour tour and there was SO MUCH FLUFF.  It was truly BIZARRE how much extraneous shit went down.  There were 4 locations that had Bachelor alums (as I like to call them, "rejects") and cameras and Chris Harrison was toggling LIVE from Kaitlyn and Jojo at a watch party in Dallas, TX (along with Chris Harrison's GORGEOUS mother who seems lovely), Ashley I. and Jared at a watch party in Park City, Utah, Jason and Blake at a house party in Lansing, Michigan, and Chris Harrison at a theater in LA!!  We bounced between these places and celebrated Chris Harrison's 17th year as the defacto President of Bachelor Nation, watched 2 different couples get engaged LIVE on TV, had to witness Baby Talk Krystal and her weasely fiancee Chris in a G-D hot tub for NINETY MINUTES before we even got INTO the episode!! It was utter insanity!!  I was struck by how much the franchise is pushing an assortment of these alums--Kaitlyn, Jojo, Ashley I, Jared, and such.  Perhaps for spin-off opportunities? Lord, who knows!

I hosted a watch party at QED in Astoria Queens (and will mostly likely be hosting a finale watch party, so keep your ears open for that, New Yorkers) and we all wanted to just GET TO THE first night, please!!

First we saw some B roll footage of assorted women in their hometowns:

-Cassie the speech pathologist from Hunginton Beach, CA who needs to work on her curling wand skills.

-Hannah from Alabama (she calls herself Alabama Hannah which I love/hate) who was literally Miss Alabama 2018 and said that she is the "hot mess express" and a "total trainwreck" and goddamn I can't decide if I love her candor and free spirit or if I think she is setting feminism back 50 years!! Either way, she's very cute and I bet Colton will love her.

-Katie who is an east coast native but lives in Cali now. She loves dancing and refers to herself as "kinda weird" which I can definitely respect. 

-Heather the SUPER long-haired blonde from Calsbad, CA who is 22 and has NEVER BEEN KISSED! OR HUMPED! YIKES, man. I mean, how do you make it through your teen years without ANY of that? I was VERY UGLY when I was an adolescent and yet some scuzzy dude wanted to lick my tongue, ya know? 

-Onyeka who is from Dallas, TX and whose parents dated for TWO WEEKS before they got married. Lemme tell ya--when your parents have a super short courtship, it really screws up your sense of what a normal timeline for a relationship is.  My parents got engaged after 2 months! And I ruin all my relationships! Wheeeee! 

Plus we meet Nicole (Miami girl who seems fun and kind), Kirpa (super sweet dental hygenist), and Demi (sorta monster 23 year old know-it-all who seems to be intent on living the "Cool Girl" monologue from GONE GIRL).

Then Colton comes out and chats with Chris Harrison (another departure from season's past when all participants would seemed to be locked up in the Bachelor Manse until the big finale) and we see a slide show of Colton as a pudgy kiddo (SO CUTE) and we get SOME window into his perpetual virgin status, as we learn that he used to be pudgy and socially awkward and he hated school. Dude--my heart goes out to you. I think that a LOT of people relate to the "former fat kid" thing (and "fat kid" can be code for myriad insecurities--pasty white kid or kid from a different background than most other kids in his/her town or kid with a birthmark on his/her face or kid with a disability or kid who just didn't quite feel comfortable in his/her own skin) and--dare I say--I felt like that peek into his childhood humanized Colton. OH BACHELOR, DON'T TOY WITH MY EMOTIONS!!!

We see some footage of Chris Harrison saying that some people think that Colton's "not a man" because he's a virgin (lil unnecessarily harsh, huh?) and, at long last, it's time for the arrivals and I could barely keep my eyes open. Chop chop, people!

Oh no wait BUT FIRST, we gotta watch a montage of Bachelor couples/families!! Jason and Molly and their kids! Evan and Carly and their kid! JP and Ashley and their kids! Desiree and Chris and their kid! Jade and Tanner and their kid! Trista and Ryan and their kids! And the most reviled couple in Bachelor history, Arie and Lauren and a photo of their fetus!  It was like some sort of super conservative, super heteronormative film strip pushing young Americans to marry and have children!

THEN we caught up with Krystal and "Goose" (weasely Chris) in a hot tub.  Was anyone else unnerved by the fact that they were both holding mics mere inches from a bubbling hot tub? Just me?

OK, after MORE fluff and weird D list appearances by Bachelor franchise has-beens, it was FINALLY time for the arrivals!  I can't go through them 1 by 1 because it's just too much, but I will summarize in bullet form because you know I love a bulleted list.

• Demi was first out the gate which was a SHOCKING choice since the producers usually start strong. She wore separates that look like they were purchased at the Sandals Resort gift shop after her luggage was lost but she was determined to make the best of it. When Colton remarked on the color, she said "banana yellow" and then insulted him, saying that she hadn't dated a virgin since she was 12. Good luck, biiiiiiiish! 
• Caelyn (Miss North Carolina) wore her pageant sash (barf) BUT I liked her cute maneuver when she flipped it over to show that it said "Mrs. Underwood." Lil aggressive, but memorable. 
• Sydney's black dress had the COOLEST neckline. 
• Tayshia made a great first impression by commenting on how Colton loves kids. 
• Caitlin (brunette from Canada) and Katie (black dress, we met her above) both opened with crewd jokes about popping his cherry/taking his V card and Colton was a good sport BUT I DO NOT LIKE IT, YOUNG LADIES! 
• The lone Masshole of the show (Alex D from Cape Cod) wore a Sloth outfit and REALLY COMMITTED to the bit which I respect yet think it's a bad move when you are up against 2 Miss America constants, a few models, and an NBA dancer. 
• Bri (aka Dead Eyes) is a model from Cali and she faked an Australian accent which I suppose is cute, although I hate any type of lying. She ALSO looks like a poor man's Lauren Bushnell, so that may need to be her nickname. Or maybe a hybrid--Dead Eyed Lauren Bushnell? 
• Tracy arrived in a cop car and called herself the fashion police (she's a wardrobe stylist). Problematic tweets from Tracy's past have already been unearthed and I'll be curious to see how long she kicks around--especially because she's 31, which is elderly in Bachelor years.
• Catherine (this season's Tierra/Courtney/Rozlyn/Krystal) is a commercial real estate agent/DJ FROM FLORIDA!! One more time, she has a job that I have known to be ONLY the vocation of absolute SHITBAG men (commercial real estate) PLUS she is ALSO a DJ who goes by DJ AGRO and sweet baby Jesu you can't make this stuff up!  She is blonde and from Florida and most likely lying about her age and pumped full of fillers (Florida's gonna Florida) AND she arrives with her TINY DOG who she immediately hands off to COLTON to take care of because she's manipulative and has no boundaries!! AHHHHHH!!!! I CAN'T EVEN! 
• The last girl has listed her job as "Cinderella" and what man doesn't love a woman who is obsessed with fairy tales, am I right!?!?  She arrives in a goddamn horse-drawn carriage and a periwinkle dress, then leaves her shoe with Colton and tells him to find her before midnight. Woof. Sorry, Erin, 29 from Plano, TX, nobody is into your corny gimmick.  

The cocktail party pops off and as soon as Colton is done making a toast to new beginnings, falling in love, and taking chances,  Demi grabs him, much to the ire of the other 28 women and 1 sloth.  She, again, puts HIM in the hot seat and patronizes him and I just hope he is SEEING her, you know? Also, am I the only one who is SO MUCH more aware of these dynamics and manipulations than I used to be? Goddamn adulthood is wonderful. 

Colton talks to a ton of the ladies: Erika (silver dress and fishtail braid, she gave him nuts at the door because McNut is her last name), Hannah (a "content creator" which means a rich girl who likes Instagram although I DO LIKE her gold dress/overall style), Caelyn (Miss North Carolina, who scores the first kiss on the front steps), Sydney (who tries to teach him ballroom dancing as a string quartet plays one of my favorite songs, Clair De Lune), Tayshia (who makes a fake carnival?), Alex B (the sloth who FINALLY removes her sloth costume to reveal a pretty brutal personality--sorry, Mass girl--you're on your own), and Catherine (this season's captain of Team Misery).  Catherine cuts in on other women's conversation with Colton FOUR TIMES, to the point that Colton makes a joke of it but it felt like a subtle attempt for him to express frustration with her constant interrupting.  I give credit to Onyeka who not only disrupted Catherine to give her a taste of her own medicine, but later pulled DJ Agro aside and warned her that she was making enemies by constantly cutting in.  Colton kisses Cassie (speech pathologist whose white dress with floral pattern is just too casual for ARRIVAL NIGHT, I'm sorry) and Katie (cute girl from above who seems very genuine).  Finally Alabama Hannah gets some long-awaited face time with Colton and she makes a solid impression and they do a pinky swear thing which was very cute.

"Content Creator" Hannah (gold dress, gold box as opening gift to Colton) scores the First Impression Rose and she is very cute and surprised by it. Perhaps I can see past her non-job.  She IS a blonde, after all, so I should support one of my sisters in peroxide.

OK gals.  It's Thursday now and mama's tired.  Let's jump to the rose ceremony which took place IN THE MORNING, no joke. Not even at sunrise--it looked like MID DAY by the time these poor ladies were accepted or rejected.  Here is who scored roses:

-Caelyn (Miss North Carolina who is cute, but also reminds me of girls who you sort of think are cute, when you're really just seeing a LOT of hair and a big smile, you know?)
-Katie (they have chemistry no doubt and her black dress was a classy choice)
-Alex B. (BIG smile, brunette sparkly green dress who entered with Love Actually-style posterboards because she's sick. Cute move, gorgeous gal.)
-Hanna B. (Alabama Hannah whose dress was perfection--pageant girls know how to do it)
-Onyika (wise sage of the episode whose sparkly, silver dress was a perfect look)
-Caitlin (Canadian brunette who was--turns out--rocking a red romper and I LOVE her for that choice)
-Annie (blonde in a periwinkle dress with a silver belt thing. She seems sweet, inoffensive.)
-Kirpa (dental hygienist in super sparkly purple dress and a cool French braid thing, but the earrings/necklace were too much. Let's keep an eye on her accessories this season, gang.)
-Heather (never been kissed blondie in a fierce, red dress)
-Elyse (lone redhead in a blue dress with her hair pushed to one side AND YOU KNOW I LOVE A HAIR-TO-ONE-SIDE LOOK, BABY!)
-Tayshia (seems cool and rocked a gorgeous one shoulder silver dress)
-Courtney (Georgia peach who didn't get much face time with Colton, rocked a sparkly, blue dress)
-Cassie (blonde in white, patterned dress that I did NOT like, but Colton is INTO her)
-Demi (patronizing 23 year old (HA!! GOD LOOK AT THAT PHRASE) in "banana yellow" separates (ON PURPOSE?) I'm sorry but every little thing she does is THE WORST. I hate to be a hater but I am!)
-Nina (Croatian blonde seems fine)
-Erika (blonde in silver dress, fishtail braid who should work on her boundaries but lucky for her, she's gorgeous so she will have time to fix her personality)

**at this point in the thrill-a-minute rose ceremony, we heard a voice over of Tahzjuan (a gorgeous contestant who was, no doubt, anxious about whether she would be picked) said, "If I was a human being and I was looking for a wife..." seemingly, to talk about how some of these ladies are not "wife material" but NOTHING KILLS  ME MORE than her saying "if I was a human being." First off, she should use the subjunctive mood here ("if I were") but then, maybe not, because I ASSUME SHE IS A HUMAN BEING, NO?? What a bizarre comment! I love it! Back to the roses.**

-Sydney (NBA dancer in cool black dress whose ballrooom dancing seemed to impress Colton)
-Bri (Dead Eyed Lauren Bushnell in a red dress)
-Angelique (YES! She has amazing arms and rocked a stunning purplish pink dress)
-Tracy (WOOF. Fashion police girl who likes to mock fat people. I hope she doesn't stay long.)
-Nicole (Miami, green dress, she seems cool.)

AND FINALLY IT IS TIME FOR THE FINAL ROSE!! WHO WILL GET IT? THE SLOTH? THE SWEET GIRL WHO WORKS IN GODDAMN ELDERCARE? THE INFLUENCER?

-Catherine (the resident MONSTER who is a real estate agent/DJ and pawned her poor dog off onto Colton the moment she arrived. Get some boundaries, lady! But OF COURSE she's sticking around! The producers demanded it, no doubt. I WILL admit that I loved her red dress--super short, bell sleeves, fun look. Why has she gotta suck so much, though?)

So who is going home to launch an Instagram empire and sell us Fab, Fit, Fun Boxes via their apartment in Nashville?

-Sloth Cape Cod girl. Sometimes when you bet big, you lose big.
-Adrianne "Jane" who works in eldercare, but perhaps should have picked 1 name to go with?
-Tahzjuan who seemed cool and rocked a RAD dress, but maybe wasn't pushy enough as far as face time?
-Cinderella whose corny gimmick did NOT seem to impress Colton (good call, bro)
-Ravina the "nurse" and influencer. At least she can get back to her beloved music festivals.
-Devin who seemed fun, rocked a blush, sparkly dress but apparently didn't make an impression.
-Laura who resembled Snow White but apparently Colton is NOT having ANY Disney princesses. 

That is 7 girls sent home, which seems like more than usual, no? So we have 23 remaining, it seems. Also I am terrible at math and only here to make jokes and comment on hair/make-up, so whatevzzzz!!

Should be a RAD SEASON!!

Who are your favorites for this season???? Comment below!! xoxo

Bachelorette Becca: Let's Do The Damn Thing! (Ep 1)

LOVE  BUGS!

Your favorite show is BACK and your favorite Bachelor/Bachelorette recapper, ME, is thrilled to be making her triumphant return to her life's work of shit talking lonely singles while occasionally speaking in the third person!

During last night's premier, I hosted a live watch party at QED, so my notes weren't as insanely detailed as they usually are.  So this recap might be a bit light, but fear not--I'll be watching all season and taking notes, plus tweeting (@selenacoppock).

The show launched with a montage of Becca crying, because every good redemption story has got to "start at the bottom" to quote that song that the kids love and is no longer even especially topical.  We were reminded of the bullet she dodged (a pasty white bullet named Arie--BARF) and given hometown introductions to some of her potential suitors this season.

We met Clay, a former football player who is biracial and has AMAZING arms. Then we met Garrett, a Reno, NV native who JUMPED into frame, which is NEVER a good look.  Garrett seemed very "extra" and I immediately hated him.  Then we met Jordan, a blonde model from Florida (the EPICENTER of modeling opportunities, right?) who quickly started serving up the greatest sound bites of the show. Producers will force Becca to keep him around for a few weeks for his commentary, no doubt.  We also met Lincoln, a super handsome guy with a British accent (he's from Nigeria originally) and great taste in clothes. Up next was Joe, the aww shucks cutie from Chicago who owns a grocery store and who I loved the moment I saw him. Then Jean Blanc, a native of Haiti (who said, "it's not a BLEEP-BLEEP" so I can only assume that Jean Blanc hates Donald Trump as much as I do) who is ALL about scents and I'm here for it. Rounding out those extended intros was former professional football player Colton who is SO DAMN HOT and friendly-looking. He had to quit football because of injuries or concussions or something and it reminded me of when I dated a pro hockey goon who had to quit because he couldn't take any more punches to the face. GOD THAT KIND OF THING IS SO DAMN HOT!!!! Just like, "I used to be extremely violent and now I'm just a sexy assed pussycat," ya know?

Before we knew it, Becca was looking stunning in a sparkly, white dress and waiting in the freshly hosed-down driveway of the STD Shack and it was time to GET THIS PARTY STARTED!

Some of the guys had top notch entrances (Colton with the confetti cannons, John with the sweet story about his grandparents, Garrett with his minivan, Blake and his horse) and some stumbled (sweet grocer Joe who sorta clammed up, the guy who JUMPED OUT from a Hearse and acted like a Millennial girl, David in the chicken suit), and some were downright hard to watch (KAMIL).

Quick diatribe about Kamil's shameful entrance. First off, I liked his style--cool sneakers and a fitted, black suit. Cool cool.  He got out of the limo, stood at the limo door and said, "come here" TO BECCA. Ummm NO. NO NO NO. That aint how this goes down, kid.  I couldn't exactly see what happened but I think she stepped toward him (force of habit when you are socialized to shut up and do what you are told BY THE PATRIARCHY) and then sort of second-guessed herself (relatable) and then he started in on a monologue about how a relationship is a compromise and it should be 50/50 or 60/40. Fuck you. Sure, compromise is important but starting things off by commanding a woman to "come here" is nothing more than manipulation and boundary-testing to see what you can get away with. As Maya Angelou told us, when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.  As I always say: goodnight, bitch.

The cocktail party was standard fare, although the drama moved at warp speed, as these things go nowadays.  Early in the night, Chris (a forgettable Rico Suave dude with bad facial hair from FL) confided in his newfound "friends" that Chase (a forgettable Rico Suave dude with bad facial hair from FL) was "here for the wrong reasons" and Chris heard that straight from one of Chase's ex-GFs. Chris confronted Chase about it 1:1 and Chase's self-defense was that this girl wasn't even a real ex, she was a woman he briefly "dated" (probably humped down with for a few weeks), and she was just out to get him. Chris grabbed Becca so that the 3 of them could have a talk and enlighten her. During said talk, as Chase attempted to defend himself from his former flame's disparaging comments, he said "WOMEN" as if to say, "you know how it goes--women are crazy."  Becca was NOT impressed and thankfully, sent Chase home at the close of the episode.

Let's get to the good stuff--the rose ceremony.  But wait, before we do, I must give a shout-out to the former Harlem Globetrotter, Christon, who is not only handsome and well-dressed (I LOVE a man in a patterned shirt and suit), but also dunked OVER Becca and executed that move perfectly.  I hope there are more dunks this season, my friend!  And double-wait, let's talk about JAKE!! Jake is also from Minneapolis and has met Becca MULTIPLE times but doesn't remember ANY of them except for that one at the Christmas party!  He's obstinate and bratty and insists that HE IS HERE TO LOVE BECCA!  Becca aint buying it and she sends him packing IMMEDIATELY.  Perfect move, girl.

OK, soon the sun was coming up and it was rose ceremony time, but nobody was super plastered because apparently the higher ups put a 2 drink MAXIMUM in place after the Bachelor In Paradise DeMario/Corinne debacle.

Pre-rose ceremony, Becca gave Garrett the first impression rose, which means a LOT and MIGHT wipe my memory of him jumping into frame from earlier int the episode--we shall see.  But let's talk about the 'ole line-up, flower hand-off:

-Lincoln (hell yeah! Handsome guy arrived carrying birthday cake!)
-Blake (horse guy, red suit, pretty cute, lil too eager for my taste)
-Rickey (didn't make a huge impression but I can dig a man named after a drink that I love)
-Jean Blanc (buckle up for a season of NICE watches and beautiful scents!)
-Christon (Harlem Globetrotter BAY BEEEEEE)
-Clay (handsome former NFL-er who I'd like to see shirtless within in the next 2 eps plz)
-Wills (didn't make much of an impression, so we'll see)
-Connor (cutey with BIG HAIR up top who got down on a knee and joke proposed when he arrived--cute move, he seems playful and fun)
-Jason (too slick for my taste)
-John (sweet guy who is very well educated, seems kind, will probably not be pushy enough to stick around a whole lot longer)
-Ryan (banjo player who wore an atrocious suit jacket and well, is a frigging BANJOIST--need I say more?)
-Alex (white dude, pink tie, personality?)
-Nate (white dude with blonde hair who arrived in a race car driver suit as a SUPER FUN way to remind Becca of the man who called off their engagement!)
-Trent (legit WHO?)
-Colton (blonde HOTTIE with a heart of gold who I think Becca is wisely putting on the back burner because she likes him a LOT. That's a move we call "pulling a Jojo" and it's brilliant.)
-David (chicken suit guy who, turns out, is a Venture Capitalist Pig, not a chicken after all)
-Jordan (male model who seems VERY SIMPLE and will be providing the color commentary for the next 3 weeks or so)
-Leo (curly-haired stunt man who also gives good sound bite but whose hair is just A LOT--and I say that as a woman who has made out with TWO long-haired mountain men in my life).
-Mike (the other man bun who had the nerve to show up with a cardboard cut out of Arie and that is NOT OK. Don't hang up your hair elastics so soon, bro--you won't be here for long.)
-Chris R. (the Floridian who warned Becca about Chase, but nonetheless rubs me the wrong way).

So who headed home to start their careers as DUFF eyewear brand ambassadors via Instagram?

-Kamil (turns out, commanding a woman to "come here" when she has 29+ other hotties pleading for a moment with her and behaving like gentlemen around her is NOT a great move)
-Jake (hometown loser who seemed ANGRY that Becca remembered meet him and he forgot about meeting her many times)
-Darius (didn't make enough of an impression, I'd guess, cause I can't remember anything about him, either)
-Chase (the dude who was immediately put on blast for having bad intentions. Great move on Becca's part and I'm loving her style--she shoots straight and doesn't entertain drama. Reminds me of Rachel's time as The Bachelorette)
-Grant (seemed a lil intense)
-Christian (who?)

So I believe that she has 21 suitors remaining and this season looks to be a good one.  It seems as if Lincoln will emerge as the house shit-stirrer (pun intended--did anyone else read that weird gossip about him that he may be a bit of a phantom pooper?). Colton will be around for a while and I'm excited for that. Now if only we could get more Joe the grocer in our lives, but we'll have to settle for social media stalking.

Top photo: creeper Jake who literally said to Becca, "do you know--do you know--do you know I have ONE conscious recollection of meeting you" as if that's supposed to woo her!?
Bottom photo: the one that got away, Joe the supermarket owner from Chicago. CALL ME, JOEY!!

Here we go, season 14 of The Bachelorette!!

Bachelor Nick V. Episode 5: Haunted Houses & VooDoo Priestesses on The Bayou

Greetings, fellow Bachelor Heads!!

Sunday night was the SAG Awards but I didn't tune in because I'll take my drama on Monday nights, thank you very much!  And Nick Viall's episode 5 did not disappoint in the drama department! Also in the Voodoo Priestess Department, which seems to be a new department for Bachelor Nation.

Episode 5 picked up right where we left off last week--with Taylor and Corinne brawling about emotional intelligence and maturity while lit by a stunningly flattering fire.  It was like Nature's Glamour Shots in there!  Taylor and Corinne are like, "are you ready to marry him? do you have self awareness? blah blah blah" and I was just like, "Corinne's make-up is on point and the glow of this fire is absolutely beautiful on their angry faces!"

As Taylor and Corinne brawled fireside, the older, seemingly more mature gals had a conversation about how that drama isn't worthwhile, you've simply got to avoid competitive tension, and run your own race.  Amen, ladies!  Is ANYONE surprised that the biggest drama among the women is a 23 year-old vs. a 24 year-old?  Also, a blonde vs. a brunette? Ha!

Corinne did a pretty manipulative mind fuck on Taylor (not sure if she fell for it, though), insisting that the other women HATE her, think she's not nice, and has a stank face.  It was pretty rich to hear Corinne--the girl who legit SLEPT THROUGH a rose ceremony--refer to Taylor as "entitled" but Raquel's favorite employer seemed to be dropping any insult she could.

Corinne ran to Nick and told him that Taylor's widely disliked (not true, I don't think?) and she's not here for the right reasons (also seems untrue but admittedly, Taylor isn't keeping her eyes on the prize right now).  Nick is receptive to it and Taylor seems to regret wading into these drama waters.

Soon it's time for the most dramatic--and CHILLY--rose ceremony yet.

Three ladies already have roses: Raven (Arkansan rollerskate pal), Kristina (eastern euro straight talker), Danielle L. (aka Tits McGee, nail salon entrepreneur).

Who else scores chilly flowers?
-Whitney (aka Rich Man's Astrid, in a leather jacket over a dress)
-Danielle M. (blonde from Wisconsin and this is when I realized you could see their breath)
-Jasmine (NBA dancer in a great black dress but does she have a connection w/ Nick?)
-Rachel (looking great in a sparkly, silver dress)
-Jaimie (back to curly hair with big earrings and a choker)
-Josephine (who is again SHOCKED to be picked and I want to be like, girl, act as if, OK?  Cute red dress and jacket, though)
-Vanessa (patterned dress, leather jacket, solid look)

SO NOW WE ARE DOWN TO TAYLOR, CORINNE, SARAH, ASTRID AND NICK ONLY HAS 2 ROSES TO HAND OUT!!!

-Corinne (ugh she suuuucks and honestly, her "conversations" with Nick are mostly about the here and now--we have no sense of where she came from, her family, any connection)
-Taylor (seems tired and defeated and isn't looking amazing)

Actual photo of the ladies at the rose ceremony

So heading home are smiley Sarah in a cute, lace, tan dress and no jacket (way to DO THE WORK, girl) and Astrid (aka poor man's Whitney) in a putrid suede jacket. Bye ladies.

The gals can stop doing their best impression of the T Birds because it's finally time to go somewhere warm--NEW ORLEANS!!



Nick's Dozen Beauties arrive in New Orleans and freak out at the sight of a hotel room as if they just escaped from solitary confinement.  Chris Harrison arrives in a very "summer Friday at the office" look and informs them of this week's calendar: a 1:1 date, a group date, and the infamous 2:1 date (which Corinne and Taylor MUST KNOW they will be going on, as this date is ALWAYS reserved for 2 participants who HATE each other).

The 1:1 goes to Rachel who immediately suits up in a super cute white halter top, yellow short shorts, Chuck Taylor high tops, and big hoops.  Nick is waiting for her in the French Market where they make out a LOT, eat hot sauce and oysters, and try on glasses and masks.  They head over to Cafe Du Monde for beignets, or as we used to call that delicacy in Quincy Market, Boston, friggin' fried dough.

After that, they stumble upon a Second Line (something Rachel is cool enough to be familiar with, of course) and they join in the street brass band parade, leading the whole shebang while carrying lace umbrellas, kissing, and dancing.  It was so damn cute and I was sitting on my couch alone thinking, "damn that date would get me EXCITED about even a guy--even a guy as meh as Nick!"  The parade stops RIGHT BELOW the hotel where all of the other ladies are cooped up in their Gilded Cage, so of course they look out the window and torture themselves by watching Nick and Rachel kiss. Ouch.  It's like a live action version of when I stalk my ex-boyfriend's current girlfriend on Instagram--don't do it, ladies (and self)!!!

That night over "dinner" (beer for her, wine for him), Rachel and Nick compare their parents' marriages (Rachel's are clocking in at 36 years; Nick's at 38), talk about fathers (Rachel's is a Federal Judge who DON'T PLAY), and Nick sweetly says that he's breaking the rules but, "I'm super into you."  Rachel gets a rose and a make out session on a parade float.

Up next is a group date in a "haunted house" (an Antebellum era sugarcane plantation but of course there is no mention of slavery because this is The Bachelor and their idea of progress is having more than one black woman in the harem) for Josephine (learn to be cool, girl) Kristina (do you think she speaks any Russian? We should all learn that now, da?), Alexis (goofball shark/dolphin), Raven (Razorback rocker), Jaimie (seems like a good time sally), Vanessa (fun girl, but are she and Nick still connected at all?), Danielle M. (snoooooze), Whitney (poor man's Astrid and Astrid isn't even HERE anymore), Jasmine (slow burn?), and Danielle L. (I bet BOTH Danielles are wishing there were fewer Danielles in the group).

The ladies and Nick sip on Mint Juleps while the strange caretaker Boo (real name? COME ON) tells them that this plantation--errr--HAUNTED HOUSE-- is where an 8 year old girl named Mary died of Scarlet Fever and she haunts the house searching for her doll.  They are instructed NOT TO TOUCH certain things, so naturally later that night they touch all of those things, get spooked, shriek, and run around wearing daisy dukes by candlelight.  Nick makes a few comments that Mary, the ghost, is ALSO on the date and I just hope he gave enough 1:1 flirty time to that dead 8 year-old! The crew plays a game of Ouija and this group date goes on MUCH too long, until we are finally relieved when blonde Danielle L. is given a rose and it's over.

Up next is the infamous 2-on-1 and it is, in keeping with Bach tradition, in a remote, weird location (the bayou--previous locations include the Badlands, a stormy island, the woods) and it's a date of the 2 people who HATE each other the most (Taylor vs. Corinne; previous seasons paired up Chad vs. Tiny Hero in a woods brawl, Olivia vs. Whichever Blonde Twin That Was on an island; Ashley I. aka Poor Man's Kim Kardashian vs. That Weirdo Frumpy Chick Whose Fiancee Died and She Loved Talking About That Tragedy in the Badlands).

Corinne and Taylor get dressed up for a date: Corinne in a super bland outfit that includes wildly unflattering pants, Taylor in a hippie-style top and almost NO make-up--a look that I might call "First Day of School In Sixth Grade."  The trio meet on the water's edge and hop in a small motorboat that is captained by a true Louisiana Character: a "husky hottie" wearing jeans, a snug black tank top, who has a long, blonde ponytail.

Hello there, Husky Redneck. Will you give me a tour of YOUR bayou? (Know what I mean?)

You can just sense how much Husky Redneck FRIGGING HATES Taylor, Nick, and Corinne, but he does his job and drops them off on an island where they walk through the woods and come upon a Voodoo Priestess and her crew. Ummmm HUH?  Did all of this feel very exploitative of that culture? Am I being too PC? I dunno--I could just imagine some other Voodoo Priestesses being angered that she did certain rituals on camera, for show, ya know?

The trio walked over to a table where a Tarot Card Reader read each girl's cards (WHY NOT NICK'S CARDS???) one at a time.  During their alone time, Corinne told Nick that Taylor "emotionally attacked" (ummm is that a thing?) her and has been bullying her.  Sure, Taylor has come off as a bit smug smartypants lately, but "emotionally attacked" is a bit much.  As we watch this convo, we see a montage of clips of the Tarot Reading and hungry alligators.  When Taylor gets some 1:1 time with Nick, she attempts to set him straight but she's very defensive (understandably so, but still) and angry.  And so she has already lost.

How many times must we learn this lesson? When you are the person in the house who is CONSUMED with pointing out the REAL ASSHOLE (and, make no mistake, Corinne IS the real asshole), you put YOURSELF on the chopping block by focusing too much on HATING another participant and not enough on LOVE.  Who cares if Nick and Corinne are building a relationship based on "whipped cream and lies" (sounds semi-delicious)--it's between THEM! Eyes on your own paper, Taylor!

[steps off most pathetic soapbox in the world]

Corinne scores a Voodoo doll off the Tarot Card reader, stabs it, and Nick sends Taylor packing. Ouch. Corinne and Nick hop on a boat and cruise off, leaving Taylor sitting alone at a table in the woods (the 2:1 exits NEVER disappoint). They make out HARD while the poor Husky Redneck drives the boat.  Taylor stays on the island and joins in a Voodoo Priestess ceremony (CREEEEEEPY) then hops on Husky Redneck's boat, cruises back to shore, and shows up to Corinne and Nick's dinner date to confront them!!!!  I'm betting this will be the most dramatic 2:1 date departure since Chad roamed through the woods and showed up at the house last season!

Next week will be amazing.  What do you think will happen? It seems like Taylor has a bombshell to drop, but what could it be? Corinne has a boyfriend back in Florida?  Corinne is secretly dating Chris Harrison? Raquel the "nanny" is Corinne's secret wife??  We'll soon find out!

Also, listen to THE FANTASY SUITE to hear me and the wonderful Dava Krause cackle over how ridiculous this episode was.

Bachelorette Jojo Ep 8: I AM VERY LATE & SORRY, PALZ!

LOVEBUGS!

This recap is extremely late because I have been on vacation (in Milwaukee and Chicago) so I watched Monday night’s episode on Tuesday (in my hotel room on Hulu, like a futuristic humanoid from the future) and jotted some bullet points, but I’m writing this out while I wait for my flight out of O’Hare because I got here 3 hours early like a complete psychopath.  NOT THE POINT, SELENA. 

We have MUCH to discuss and let’s start with the crucial issues—NO ONE WAS SENT HOME ON MONDAY!! CLIFFHANGER!! WTF??? LIFE IS CRAZY! THE BACHELORETTE DOES WHAT THE BACHELORETTE WANTS!!!  JOJO BEING JOJO!!

But seriously, no elimination—what is this, every other non-competitive reality TV show?  COME ON! I didn’t get into this racket to feel warm & fuzzy and watch a Full House rerun. I want TEARS out of the eyes of BABES (and by babes, I mean HOTTIES who will go on to such gigs as Guest DJ at failing Vegas nightclubs). 

But let’s start at the beginning.  Monday night was the night of hometown dates and a reminder that anyone who goes on the show is required to have parents who still live in their childhood home and that childhood home MUST be a McMansion that West Elm threw up in. 

Jojo’s first stop was Highlands Ranch, Colorado where Chase and his SHATTERED family live.  Jojo meets Chase’s estranged father and Pops basically admits that he wasn’t there for Chase and his sister, but now he’s remarried and doing it right THIS TIME. I’m sure Chase is glad that SOMEONE is being fathered (only kidding—Chase seems forever hurt by his absentee father’s actions, but whatevzzzz).  In a 1:1 conversation, Absentee Daddy asks Chase if this is what he expected and Chase’s response is, “no…. but look where I am!” Huh? Chase seems to get his flat affect from his dad. 

That evening Jojo and Chase have dinner with his mother, stepfather, sister, sister’s husband & their baby. Throughout this visit, Chase’s family makes it sound like children who were raised in a divorced home are absolutely RUINED and damaged goods, which obviously isn’t true.  My random thoughts: Chase looks NOTHING like his sister, Chase’s mom is great at collecting data (“Jojo loves dogs, hates fish, and has a great laugh”), and the language they use about Chase potentially marrying Jojo is bizarrely vague (“I think that my wife is here tonight”). Just before her car pulls away, Chase tells Jojo that he thinks he’s falling in love with her. 

Chico, CA is the next stop, where Jojo meets Jordan’s “family” (MINUS THAT ONE GUY—COUGH COUGH—RYMES WITH TEARIN’) and EVERY staff member of his former high school.

Teenage Jordan (with me and Heidi in the reflection)

Jordan talks a LOT about Jordan, they roam the hallways and make out HARD in the library, then head to the Rodgers estate (complete with fountain!) for family dinner. 

Jojo meets Jordan’s parents Ed and Darla (who seem lovely, but wow his mom speaks in a whisper and his dad interestingly says very little except for “fame can change you”), Jordan’s older brother Luke, and Luke’s girlfriend whose hair is a goddamn sideswept cascade of blonde dreams!

She is a blonde dream and Luke is definitely punching above his weight. 

They have a standard family visit and as she’s departing, Jojo reveals to Jordan that she’s afraid he will change his mind, which is a worrisome thing to think of a potential mate.  Time will tell!

From there, Jojo heads to St. Augustine, Florida where Robby’s giant family lives and Robby greets Jojo in a white T-shirt and coral button down shirt with only a single button buttoned. WTF is this about? Did that hometown visit take place in 1992? Seriously Robby, get it together. My friend Heidi (who I was vacationing with and who was watching along with me at Public Chicago, a fantastic hotel despite a leaky sink) and I were HATING ON Robby hard and honestly, this guy is just bad news. He has NO redeeming qualities and, as I have mentioned previously, always looks like his skin will be hot to the touch from a sunburn. Over drinks on the water, Jojo asks Robby if he’s TRULY over his last relationship and he trots out empty platitude after empty platitude, claiming that he hasn’t thought about it at all (not hard to do when you’re thrown into a completely foreign lifestyle for months) and that Jojo is everything. As they approach his parents McMansion, Robby proclaims that “emotions are going to be flying” which makes zero sense, but I would expect nothing else from a guy who buttons the bottom button of his damn shirt.

Jojo meets Robby’s mom, dad (COACH A!!!!), 2 brothers, and 2 sisters and they all seem great, which is surprising when contrasted with him.  Robby tells his brothers that he hasn’t slept a wink and has had MANY panic attacks, which I absolutely don’t believe. Then Robby’s mother pulls him aside to warn him that his ex-girlfriend’s roommate (ALEX!) has been telling people (tabloids, so, LOTS of people) that Robby dumped his ex to come on the show and Robby is stunned and upset, which was fun to watch since we’ve all been reading these tabloid rumors the whole time!  US Weekly is my Bible! Stars ARE just like us! The remainder of the conversation plays out like a convo between 2 people who are VERY aware that they are being taped and this will definitely end up in the Hometown episode.  Robby runs from chatting with his mother and disrupts Jojo’s hang time with the 2 sisters (ladies love WINE!) to talk to her about these “false accusations.” Robby resembles an overcooked ham as he assures Jojo that his relationship with Hope was dead in the water LONG before it ended (aha so you’re bad at communicating AND confrontation—good to know!), ending his explanation with “we had a blow up fight and she slapped me.” By how he said that sentence, you could tell that he was expecting “The Slap” to be a BOMBSHELL, but it wasn’t. HA! Sorry, Tanny McTannersteen!  Jojo don’t care!  It begins raining outside (OMINOUS) as Robby and Jojo say their goodbyes and then Robby dramatically throws down his umbrella and stands in the rain (still wearing that damn single buttoned button down). 

Jojo heads to Burnet, Texas for her hometown date with Luke and it played out like a Americana dream sequence—family and friends eating BBQ in a field, Luke arriving with his beloved via lifted Chevy extended cab (I’m a SUCKER for a lifted truck), and old men getting choked up at the thought of their son’s military service to the USA.  Jojo jumps right in and seems to impress everyone and jive with Luke. All snark aside, the emotional moment between Luke and his father got both me and my pal Heidi choked up and was probably one of the most authentic, vulnerable vignettes that we’ve ever seen on the show. 

After the family time, Luke whisks Jojo away so that they can make out on a couch made of hay and then walk down a candlelit path to a heart made of flower petals as the country music swells—it was MAXIMUM BACH and I loved every moment.  But remember when Tiny Hero (Alex) got all mushy with Jojo and she sent him packing?  That may explain what happened later, as the country home sequence was LOVELY and Luke is SO wonderful, but perhaps it was a bit too much for Jojo?  Luke tells Jojo, “my heart is yours and out there for you” before she leaves.

The rose ceremony takes place in an airplane hangar and Jojo’s dress is FIERCE. She looks like a gorgeous seal and I AM LOVING IT! Readers, how hard did that dress rule? Royal blue, slippery when wet material, low cut chest, slinky as hell—damn perfect.  We watch the boys arrive and in a move that Chris Harrison might call “unprecedented,” we immediately hear a voice over of Jojo saying that she plans to send Luke home.  That comment made Heidi and I SHRIEK out loud (and probably scare the people in the hotel room next to us). Luke RULES! He’s the tops! Girl, he worships you, he has a sick body, he has an edge, AND he lives in Texas—snap him up, Jojo!  And then, as if warned by a producer (probsies), Luke asks Jojo if he can talk to her and he pulls her outside to say, “I’m in love with you” which is apparently JUST what she needed to hear. That feels like semantics to me because “my heart is out there for you” is the same damn thing, but I’m not the one trying to eliminate hot bodied boyz from my life. 

Luke walks back into the hangar and Jojo has a meltdown outside, then we’re told that next week we’ll have a full episode Monday (and, presumably, TWO eliminations) then The Men Tell All on Tuesday (because they always do Men Tell All when they’re down to 2 remaining people).

My recaps will be on time next week, I promise!  But also, did you YELL at the thought of her sending Luke home!?!!