Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Bachelor Nick V. Episode 5: Haunted Houses & VooDoo Priestesses on The Bayou

Greetings, fellow Bachelor Heads!!

Sunday night was the SAG Awards but I didn't tune in because I'll take my drama on Monday nights, thank you very much!  And Nick Viall's episode 5 did not disappoint in the drama department! Also in the Voodoo Priestess Department, which seems to be a new department for Bachelor Nation.

Episode 5 picked up right where we left off last week--with Taylor and Corinne brawling about emotional intelligence and maturity while lit by a stunningly flattering fire.  It was like Nature's Glamour Shots in there!  Taylor and Corinne are like, "are you ready to marry him? do you have self awareness? blah blah blah" and I was just like, "Corinne's make-up is on point and the glow of this fire is absolutely beautiful on their angry faces!"

As Taylor and Corinne brawled fireside, the older, seemingly more mature gals had a conversation about how that drama isn't worthwhile, you've simply got to avoid competitive tension, and run your own race.  Amen, ladies!  Is ANYONE surprised that the biggest drama among the women is a 23 year-old vs. a 24 year-old?  Also, a blonde vs. a brunette? Ha!

Corinne did a pretty manipulative mind fuck on Taylor (not sure if she fell for it, though), insisting that the other women HATE her, think she's not nice, and has a stank face.  It was pretty rich to hear Corinne--the girl who legit SLEPT THROUGH a rose ceremony--refer to Taylor as "entitled" but Raquel's favorite employer seemed to be dropping any insult she could.

Corinne ran to Nick and told him that Taylor's widely disliked (not true, I don't think?) and she's not here for the right reasons (also seems untrue but admittedly, Taylor isn't keeping her eyes on the prize right now).  Nick is receptive to it and Taylor seems to regret wading into these drama waters.

Soon it's time for the most dramatic--and CHILLY--rose ceremony yet.

Three ladies already have roses: Raven (Arkansan rollerskate pal), Kristina (eastern euro straight talker), Danielle L. (aka Tits McGee, nail salon entrepreneur).

Who else scores chilly flowers?
-Whitney (aka Rich Man's Astrid, in a leather jacket over a dress)
-Danielle M. (blonde from Wisconsin and this is when I realized you could see their breath)
-Jasmine (NBA dancer in a great black dress but does she have a connection w/ Nick?)
-Rachel (looking great in a sparkly, silver dress)
-Jaimie (back to curly hair with big earrings and a choker)
-Josephine (who is again SHOCKED to be picked and I want to be like, girl, act as if, OK?  Cute red dress and jacket, though)
-Vanessa (patterned dress, leather jacket, solid look)


-Corinne (ugh she suuuucks and honestly, her "conversations" with Nick are mostly about the here and now--we have no sense of where she came from, her family, any connection)
-Taylor (seems tired and defeated and isn't looking amazing)

Actual photo of the ladies at the rose ceremony

So heading home are smiley Sarah in a cute, lace, tan dress and no jacket (way to DO THE WORK, girl) and Astrid (aka poor man's Whitney) in a putrid suede jacket. Bye ladies.

The gals can stop doing their best impression of the T Birds because it's finally time to go somewhere warm--NEW ORLEANS!!

Nick's Dozen Beauties arrive in New Orleans and freak out at the sight of a hotel room as if they just escaped from solitary confinement.  Chris Harrison arrives in a very "summer Friday at the office" look and informs them of this week's calendar: a 1:1 date, a group date, and the infamous 2:1 date (which Corinne and Taylor MUST KNOW they will be going on, as this date is ALWAYS reserved for 2 participants who HATE each other).

The 1:1 goes to Rachel who immediately suits up in a super cute white halter top, yellow short shorts, Chuck Taylor high tops, and big hoops.  Nick is waiting for her in the French Market where they make out a LOT, eat hot sauce and oysters, and try on glasses and masks.  They head over to Cafe Du Monde for beignets, or as we used to call that delicacy in Quincy Market, Boston, friggin' fried dough.

After that, they stumble upon a Second Line (something Rachel is cool enough to be familiar with, of course) and they join in the street brass band parade, leading the whole shebang while carrying lace umbrellas, kissing, and dancing.  It was so damn cute and I was sitting on my couch alone thinking, "damn that date would get me EXCITED about even a guy--even a guy as meh as Nick!"  The parade stops RIGHT BELOW the hotel where all of the other ladies are cooped up in their Gilded Cage, so of course they look out the window and torture themselves by watching Nick and Rachel kiss. Ouch.  It's like a live action version of when I stalk my ex-boyfriend's current girlfriend on Instagram--don't do it, ladies (and self)!!!

That night over "dinner" (beer for her, wine for him), Rachel and Nick compare their parents' marriages (Rachel's are clocking in at 36 years; Nick's at 38), talk about fathers (Rachel's is a Federal Judge who DON'T PLAY), and Nick sweetly says that he's breaking the rules but, "I'm super into you."  Rachel gets a rose and a make out session on a parade float.

Up next is a group date in a "haunted house" (an Antebellum era sugarcane plantation but of course there is no mention of slavery because this is The Bachelor and their idea of progress is having more than one black woman in the harem) for Josephine (learn to be cool, girl) Kristina (do you think she speaks any Russian? We should all learn that now, da?), Alexis (goofball shark/dolphin), Raven (Razorback rocker), Jaimie (seems like a good time sally), Vanessa (fun girl, but are she and Nick still connected at all?), Danielle M. (snoooooze), Whitney (poor man's Astrid and Astrid isn't even HERE anymore), Jasmine (slow burn?), and Danielle L. (I bet BOTH Danielles are wishing there were fewer Danielles in the group).

The ladies and Nick sip on Mint Juleps while the strange caretaker Boo (real name? COME ON) tells them that this plantation--errr--HAUNTED HOUSE-- is where an 8 year old girl named Mary died of Scarlet Fever and she haunts the house searching for her doll.  They are instructed NOT TO TOUCH certain things, so naturally later that night they touch all of those things, get spooked, shriek, and run around wearing daisy dukes by candlelight.  Nick makes a few comments that Mary, the ghost, is ALSO on the date and I just hope he gave enough 1:1 flirty time to that dead 8 year-old! The crew plays a game of Ouija and this group date goes on MUCH too long, until we are finally relieved when blonde Danielle L. is given a rose and it's over.

Up next is the infamous 2-on-1 and it is, in keeping with Bach tradition, in a remote, weird location (the bayou--previous locations include the Badlands, a stormy island, the woods) and it's a date of the 2 people who HATE each other the most (Taylor vs. Corinne; previous seasons paired up Chad vs. Tiny Hero in a woods brawl, Olivia vs. Whichever Blonde Twin That Was on an island; Ashley I. aka Poor Man's Kim Kardashian vs. That Weirdo Frumpy Chick Whose Fiancee Died and She Loved Talking About That Tragedy in the Badlands).

Corinne and Taylor get dressed up for a date: Corinne in a super bland outfit that includes wildly unflattering pants, Taylor in a hippie-style top and almost NO make-up--a look that I might call "First Day of School In Sixth Grade."  The trio meet on the water's edge and hop in a small motorboat that is captained by a true Louisiana Character: a "husky hottie" wearing jeans, a snug black tank top, who has a long, blonde ponytail.

Hello there, Husky Redneck. Will you give me a tour of YOUR bayou? (Know what I mean?)
You can just sense how much Husky Redneck FRIGGING HATES Taylor, Nick, and Corinne, but he does his job and drops them off on an island where they walk through the woods and come upon a Voodoo Priestess and her crew. Ummmm HUH?  Did all of this feel very exploitative of that culture? Am I being too PC? I dunno--I could just imagine some other Voodoo Priestesses being angered that she did certain rituals on camera, for show, ya know?

The trio walked over to a table where a Tarot Card Reader read each girl's cards (WHY NOT NICK'S CARDS???) one at a time.  During their alone time, Corinne told Nick that Taylor "emotionally attacked" (ummm is that a thing?) her and has been bullying her.  Sure, Taylor has come off as a bit smug smartypants lately, but "emotionally attacked" is a bit much.  As we watch this convo, we see a montage of clips of the Tarot Reading and hungry alligators.  When Taylor gets some 1:1 time with Nick, she attempts to set him straight but she's very defensive (understandably so, but still) and angry.  And so she has already lost.

How many times must we learn this lesson? When you are the person in the house who is CONSUMED with pointing out the REAL ASSHOLE (and, make no mistake, Corinne IS the real asshole), you put YOURSELF on the chopping block by focusing too much on HATING another participant and not enough on LOVE.  Who cares if Nick and Corinne are building a relationship based on "whipped cream and lies" (sounds semi-delicious)--it's between THEM! Eyes on your own paper, Taylor!

[steps off most pathetic soapbox in the world]

Corinne scores a Voodoo doll off the Tarot Card reader, stabs it, and Nick sends Taylor packing. Ouch. Corinne and Nick hop on a boat and cruise off, leaving Taylor sitting alone at a table in the woods (the 2:1 exits NEVER disappoint). They make out HARD while the poor Husky Redneck drives the boat.  Taylor stays on the island and joins in a Voodoo Priestess ceremony (CREEEEEEPY) then hops on Husky Redneck's boat, cruises back to shore, and shows up to Corinne and Nick's dinner date to confront them!!!!  I'm betting this will be the most dramatic 2:1 date departure since Chad roamed through the woods and showed up at the house last season!

Next week will be amazing.  What do you think will happen? It seems like Taylor has a bombshell to drop, but what could it be? Corinne has a boyfriend back in Florida?  Corinne is secretly dating Chris Harrison? Raquel the "nanny" is Corinne's secret wife??  We'll soon find out!

Also, listen to THE FANTASY SUITE to hear me and the wonderful Dava Krause cackle over how ridiculous this episode was.

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