This week we were yet again treated to a double dose of
Bachelor, with the hometown dates episode airing on Monday, then a “Sean Tells
All” episode on Tuesday. I can’t keep up
with this much Bach and lead a functional life, ABC! Back up off me, back up off me, wouldja! The “Sean Tells All” episode is a new
development (UNPRECEDENTED! as Chris Harrison would say) and I tuned in just long
enough to have him say that he dodged a bullet by sending Tierra home. Good boy, Sean!
Hometowns were a thrill ride of tears, half-eaten dinners
served Last Supper style (that is, everyone one a long table), and bad tattoos
(I’m looking at you, Desiree’s brother).
Up first was AshLee and Sean met her in Houston, TX where
her father is a preacher, much like how Sean’s father AND grandfather are both
preachers at his church in Dallas. How
is ANY competition still going on with those facts in place? Sean’s the son of a preacher man and so is
AshLee—holy Dusty Springfield these two well-mannered lovebirds should build
a nest!
Over dinner, AshLee and Sean tell her parents of their travels and
romance and AshLee is a little too candid about the romance part. Girl, nobody’s father wants to hear that his
daughter was rolling around in the sand “From Here to Eternity”-style while
videocameras rolled. Tears abound and
overall, AshLee’s parents are a lot like she is: earnest, positive, good
people.
Up next is Catherine’s family in Seattle , but before Sean can meet three
generations of women, he and Catherine try their hands at fish catching in the Pike Place Fish Market. Catherine wears her hair down
while behind the fish counter and ABC had better pray that the Department of
Health doesn’t watch Bach, or that market will be SHUT DOWN! (Trust me—in the food service world, nobody
even cares if you have phenomenal hair—you’d better tie it back!) They explore Seattle, walking through shops,
chewing bubble gum and adding it to a filthy wall of bubble gum (I could hardly
watch), and reviewing how to show respect to an elder. At the house, Sean meets Catherine’s
grandmother (who loves Sean right away), her mother (whose response to Sean’s
inquiry about Catherine’s hand in marriage is, “We’ll see what happens!”), and
her two sisters (who love saying “like” almost as Busted Peaches & Cream Barbie aka Daniella did earlier this season). The sisters do a great job of torpedoing
Catherine’s hopes of ending up with Sean, telling him that she’s moody and
immature. With family like that, who
needs enemies? One thing that WAS
refreshing about the visit to Catherine’s family is that they showed a lower
middle class existence, which The Bach normally NEVER touches.
Sean’s 3rd stop was Army brat Lindsay’s hometown
of Fort Leonard Wood, MO, where Lindsay’s father is a 2 star General. Lindsay and Sean had some 1:1 time first and
she was completely useless when Sean asked how he should address her father
(THANKS FOR NOTHING, Wedding Dress!) and then Lindsay acted as his drill
sergeant while he did an Army-style workout.
It was very 50 SHADES OF GREY if that book took place on an Army base
and the younger woman was dominating the older man instead of the other way
around and I had read that crappy book.
Lindsay’s parents seem great and her younger brother is preciously
awkward. Sean and her father go down to
his man cave for a beer and man talk, during which Sean asks for permission to
marry Lindsay and General Dad
responds by comparing The Bachelor to the experience of a paratrooper jumping
from a helicopter into enemy territory.
I bet everything is a military analogy to that guy and it cracks me
up. General Dad gives Sean a pair of dog
tags before he leaves, so at least if Sean gets shot in enemy territory, they
can ID his body (or whatever… I got a little lost in that analogy).
The last stop on the Love Locomotive is Desiree’s hometown
of Los Angeles , CA , where she and Sean go hiking in a canyon
(is there ANYTHING else to do in LA than constantly hike and be vegan?),
then prep dinner for her parents and brother.
While they are prepping, a scrawny guy shows up at Desiree’s door and
claims to be her heartbroken ex-boyfriend.
Before you can say, “Wait, didn’t Sean play a ‘prank’ on Desiree during
their 1st date when he tried to frame her for breaking an expensive
piece of art?” Desiree shouts “GOTCHA” (is there a more annoying word/instinct
in the world?) and reveals that it was all a BIG PRANK and it’s payback for
that moronic “prank” from the 1st date. Hey Des & Sean: can you guys both stop being
losers? That would be great.
Finally, Desiree’s family arrives and her parents are absolutely
delightful: super sweet, genuine, open-minded.
Sharing a tent as a home in childhood must make siblings TIGHT because
Desiree’s brother is overprotective and NOT happy that Sean is dating his sister. Brother Nate must have learned the word
“reciprocation” yesterday because he drops it in conversation about 10 times
while he’s gesturing with his tattoo-covered HANDS (tats are cool, but hand
tats is where I draw the line—it’s just trashy, I’m sorry) about how Sean must
be a sleezy guy. Oh, that’s rich. Isn’t
that the white trash piece of junk calling the earnest virgin bachelor black
(or however that saying goes)?
Finally, it’s rose ceremony time and all the ladies are
looking gorgeous (although Desiree’s gold dress is a lil too short for thick
legs like she has—just a friendly tip, gurl!).
The 4 ladies are all lined up (final 4 is all brunettes, which breaks my
heart, but aligns with my blonde/brunette dating recommendation in my
forthcoming book THE NEW RULES FOR BLONDES—out on April 23, 2013!) and Sean’s
about to start doling out the roses but Desiree interrupts. She pulls him aside to apologize for her
brother’s rude behavior and terrible choice in tats. But will it make a difference? We’re about to find out.
Who scores a sweet flower?
AshLee (HECK to the YES.
Sean has GOT to end up with her or the gods must be crazy)
Lindsay (I think Sean just wants to hear more interesting
military analogies, and who wouldn’t?)
There’s only one rose left, as Chris Harrison reminds us
(thereby justifying his salary) and it goes to…
Catherine (I guess Sean will take “moody and immature” over
“disgruntled white trash brother.” I
don’t see Catherine making it to the final 2, though.)
Sean walks Desiree out and she repeatedly says that she’s
“100% sure" Sean made the wrong decision and tries to argue her way back into
the house. Oh Des, have you never been
dumped? Save a lil face, girl, and get
in the friggin’ limo where you can lose your shit in relative privacy (minus the
whole “this is a network TV show” part).
Sean tries to soothe her, saying that he’ll miss her and she responds, “then
don’t let me go.” No no no, girl. He’s saying he’ll miss you, but he’s willing
to miss you—WALK AWAY. May I recommend a
book, Desiree? It’s called HE’S JUST NOT
THAT INTO YOU (I know, I know). Take it
from someone who has gone through her fair share of breakups (the best/worst of
which was a tool who I met in a comedy writing class and he claimed that he was
breaking up with me because he “wanted to focus on his comedy, THEN meet a lady.” Yeah, cause you get to pick the order that
things happen like that! That jag recently got
married despite the fact that he has NO comedy career. Score one for the jilted blonde who actually gets
booked on comedy shows, eh? But I
digress), just walk away. Don’t try to
“figure it out” or convince anyone to care about you. It will never work, so just walk.
Was that motivational speech about break-ups long enough for
ya, sweet reader?
Next Monday Sean and the trio are in Thailand for
sun, fun, and high-pressure romance. If
there’s one thing that I’ve learned from about a decade of Bachelor watching,
it’s that Desiree will most likely show up at Sean’s hotel in Thailand to
“get closure.” I can’t wait!