Tuesday, February 26, 2019

Bachelor Colton Eps 7 + 8: I'm A Slacker


My goodness I am LATE LATE LAAATE on my recap from last week's episode, much less this week's episode!

I have been drowning at work and super overwhelmed, so let's get up to speed but I gotta warn you, I'm not going too deep.  Stuff is bonkers lately!

OK so in the episode last week, Now Been Kissed Heather sent herself home on the back of a train, like some sort of kissing politician blowing through town on a whistle stop tour of America.  Kirpa was sent home but I know nothing of the circumstances because I had to run to a show in UCB's newest theater, which is practically in the Hudson River.  And finally, Alabama Hannah was sent home by Colton mere hours after HE INTRODUCED HER TO HIS GODDAM FAMILY.  Talk about a bait and switch for poor Hannah.  Nobody deserves such mistreatment--that was brutal.  But I LOVE that she departed with her head held high, saying, I will want for a man who will choose me every day.  Damn straight, girl.

Last night I went to Cowgirl Seahorse to watch a friend's amazing bluegrass/Americana band so I didn't really watch the episode BUT, by the grace of God, Cowgirl Seahorse was playing The Bachelor by the bar with subtitles on! 

So I was able to see that Tayshia's father was NOT feeling Colton, Cassie's mother looks more like a big sister (bless), and Caelynn was sent home just before Fantasy Suites.

OK, just me, or did Caelynn and her sister BOTH appear to have pink eye or something? I don't think it was actual pink eye, but rather that their eyes looked strange from wearing SUPER HUGE eyelashes and wildly unflattering PINK eyeshadow (literally pink eyeshadow is the devil's handiwork).  Welp, those eyes were sent home crying.

Next week we have back-to-back Bach with Fantasy Suites on Monday and the Women Tell All on Tuesday.  Is that what it said?  I was wrapping up at the bar, but that was what I think I saw.

Sorry I'm slacking, but how are YOU all feeling about this season?  Now that we're down to Cassie, Hannah, and Tayshia, who are you into??

Tuesday, February 12, 2019

Bachelor Colton Ep 6: So Many Cryptic Messages!


Man oh man today (Tuesday) was exhausting.  I had a full day of work, an audition, and a facial.  Now I'm home with my candles (burning a classic Henri Bendel Vanilla Bean and a cute, religious-style candle with Dolly Parton's image on it) and I am going to CRANK out this recap cause mama's tired!

We pick up where we left off last week: Onyeka and Nicole BRAWLING, Colton walking on the beach alone frustrated, all the other girls wide-eyed and in shock, and Kirpa rocking a chin bandage (that I learned is covering an injury that sweet Kirpa got while taking a selfie on some slippery rocks--thank you for cracking the case, Audra!).  I've said it a million times over the course of a million recaps: on this show, if you make ANY type of drama (be it you are pulled into drama or you attempt to unmask someone as the house parian), YOU will be sent home. Colton was already leaning that way when Chris Harrison approached him on the beach.  Colton said, "I have some women who are here to be vulnerable and I have other women throwing each other under the bus--that's not what we're here for." To me, Onyeka and Nicole's joint fates were sealed with that.  Bachelor Nation knew that America's Favorite Virgin was DONE with this DRAMZ and yo, I get it.

I won't go through the rose ceremony one-by-one because, as I mentioned, I am BEAT and goodness gracious it was SNOWY and slushy today and what is it about messy weather that is so damn exhausting? BUT I DIGRESS, everyone scored a rose except Onyeka and Nicole. Bye girls. Onyeka, you did this to yourself and Nicole, you were the unlucky to somehow end up in her sights.

Then they're off to Vietnam and what better way to christen your new suite, but with a quote from a Robin Williams movie in which he plays an irreverent DJ in the thick of a war that will soon turn into  a total quagmire that will be the albatross around the neck of numerous American Presidents, "GOOD MORNING, VIETNAAAAM!"

Hannah G. aka First Impression Rose scores a 1:1 date and their date is at a massage parlor/spa and it gets SEXY AF.  HOO BOY it was looking like a sexy assed D'Angelo video in there, with Hannah and Colton GLISTENING in that mud and rubbing each other.  Hello, NURSE, as the Animaniacs would say.  There is a whole lotta body-on-body snuggling and even the 'ole "legs around his trunk" pickup maneuver, which is always a Bachelor Nation pleaser.

Meanwhile, Caelynn and Carrie are back at the hotel and Caelynn comments that Hannah has always gotten by on her looks, which is rich to hear from ANY other knockout on this show. This show isn't called "I Had To Develop A Personality" and it's about uggos dating uggos, OK?

Anyhoodles, back on the 1:1, Hannah is telling Colton that she's good at being bubbly and fun and somewhat superficial and she keeps up a wall. I can relate to this--I think a fair number of women can. You want to be friendly, supportive, bubbly, light--at least to start.  But, I suppose, Hannah is saying that she maintains that throughout and she says it's because she learned to protect herself while enduring her parents (seemingly sorta messy) divorce.  She comments that it's "lame" and Colton, in his unending warmth and nonjudgmental manner (I MEAN THIS! I am not being snarky and it's bananas), assures Hannah that, in fact, that is NOT lame at all and that sounds like a completely normal reaction to a traumatizing event.  Colton GETS IT, you guys!  Hannah get a rose (no surprise there), they make out, and Colton says that he can picture Hannah as his wife.

A group date is the next day and the crew is Cassie (is she a lil bland or just not as bubbly as I like?), Heather (Modern Day Jerry Hall), Tayshia (crushing it), Caelynn (cute, but is there more beneath the surface?), Katie (she and Colton were STRONG but are they still?), Hot Mess Express Alabama Hannah, Sydney (demure dancer), Demi (tiresome, overgrown Bratz doll) and the are in for a day of FIGHTING!! Yeah, baby!

Colton and the Crew dress up in blue suits for a day of "vovinam" which is a Vietnamese form of self-defense that Alabama Hannah calls "kung fu." They do some training exercises (Demi sucks at it, Hannah rules at it, everyone gives it the college try) then are paired up for a real Vovinam match, which looks a lot like boxing mixed with a schoolyard beatdown, set to a soundtrack of shrieks and laughter.  Demi proves that she is all bark and no bite, which is both surprising and not surprising.  I suppose it's always the biggest shit talkers who CANNOT BACK IT UP, but still, I was just like, "wow Demi you are a frigging CHICKENSHIT after all the smack you have talked all season."

That night at the after party, Katie tries to tell Colton that she is trying and she hopes that he notices it, but she is almost-crying/squeaking so badly that the Bachelor Producers throw closed captioning on that baby. HA! That made me laugh.

Sydney is spiraling somewhat and she is doing what we have seen in previous seasons (namely, Ali Fedotowski on Jake's season of The Bachelor): essentially saying that she is too good for this and if her crush likes THAT GIRL, then he simply CANNOT be looking for what SHE has to offer. It always comes off as snobby and off-putting, and Sydney was no exception.  The producers show us clips of Alabama Hannah being hilarious (her with those 2 poles that she pretended were Heather? I was DYING!), of Demi laughing in a silly way, and then Sydney insinuating that she is "wife material" and somehow, they are not.  This is how you get a one-way ticket home, Sydney!!  The one thing she said that I agree with is that if it's right, then it would be easier between the 2 of them.  Amen.  I believe that.  It should NOT be so hard at the start, so Sydney opts to go home and bounces out, much to the shock of the other women.

As she exits, she cryptically warns Colton not to be distracted by "bright, shiny objects" and I'm sorry, but I find that stuff insulting to his intelligence.  What do you know what he wants?  Admittedly, I think he would be unwise to propose to a 23-year-old, if he wants a wife for life, but also, he's a genuine guy and a kind soul, so maybe give him a little more credit, OK?  Also why am I defending this guy so hard? Ha!

Tayshia gets the group date rose, much to the surprise and sadness of Alabama Hannah and Demi.

The next day is the final 1:1 and it's finally Kirpa's moment in the sun (careful of the selfies on the rocks, girl)!  She arrives in a cute, polka dot day dress and sandals while Colton is showing off his nice arms in a navy tank top and light swim trunks (gosh, am I an old lady calling them "swim trunks"? Yeah I am).  They hop on a boat and put down an anchor so that they can go speak fishing (flippers and all), then eat the seafood that they found.

That night they go out to dinner and I LOVED Kira's look--black, off the shoulder, dramatic blouse, snug, black pants--very 70s disco.  Colton's looking tan and toned in a white, snug button-down shirt and he refers to Kirpa as a slow burn, which is a killer track off of Kacey Musgrave's Grammy-winning album!

They talk about relationships and love: Kirpa was with her ex for 8 years and they are engaged but called it off.  Kirpa comes off as super real, genuine, low key, and friendly.  Nonetheless, I thought that Colton would send her home saying that it was just a bit too late and that their relationship simply wasn't as far along as the others, but he does NOT do that, and instead, hands her a rose!  Hey, ya never know!  They make out in the rain and Colton is looking NICE in a wet, white shirt, like a Vietnamese Wet T-shirt Contest, baby!

Later that night, Overgrown Bratz Doll Doing Her Best Impression of a Real Human With Emotions (Demi) shows up at Colton's hotel room, joking that "after this, he might not be a virgin anymore."  Man oh man, not only is Demi corny as hell, but she's a virtual predator who treats Colton's sexual history as a joke--also, I am a fun assassin.  Ha!

Colton is friendly to Demi and invites her in, then she launches into the most one-note, rehearsed speech that sounds like a used car salesman just trying to CLOSE THE DEAL, and the deal is making Colton believe that Demi loves him.  She recounts the benchmarks of their relationship, ending with, "I am falling in love with you" and THAT, FINALLY makes Colton shoot her straight and admit that he doesn't see them getting there.

HOORAY!  I was literally CHEERING!

Their whole dynamic felt like such a charade.  I think that Colton appreciated her attitude and tenacity, but you could tell that hew as NEVER into her and she seemed more intent on WINNING than on being with Colton.  Upon receiving this "upsetting news" from Colton, Demi puts her hand over her face and WISHES that tears would come, but they do not.  They hug, and she walks away.  Oh Demi, I wish you luck as you attempt to get laughs in conversation via inserting jokes and catchphrases that were popular a decade ago. The last shot we see of Demi is her walking down the stairs rocking a baby backpack and it was so perfect. Bye biiiiish.

Oh, before she leaves, she also says some cryptic thing to him about how there are some girls who might seem like a safe choice, but they are not.  Another cryptic goodbye--huh.

The cocktail party/rose ceremony is the next night, but Chris Harrison shows up with some startling news that happens every season: THERE WILL BE NO COCKTAIL PARTY!!  Colton knows what Colton wants, so we are going STRAIGHT to a rose ceremony!  Good luck, gals!

At this point, I guessed that Colton would send home either Heather (because she's SO young and inexperienced, and really, can you marry a girl who has never KISSED another man?) or Katie (they started strong, but has their energy shifted somehow?).

Kira, Tayshia, and Hannah G. already have roses, and who else got 'em?

-Hannah B. rocking a cute blue, sleeveless dress with hair half up/half down
-Caelynn in a black, silk-y dress and delicate necklace
-Cassie in a funky hairstyle of a front braid and black dress
-Heather in a SOLID outfit of a one-sleeved, white top and silvery/white skirt (LOVE IT)
SO, going home is
Katie (at least she looks good doing it, in a sparkly, dark dress and hair curled and swept to one side).

Colton walks her out and she, too, exits with a cryptic message about how some girls in there aren't quite ready and some are, and that he should be smart.

That is now THREE warnings from THREE separate women about being aware of non-serious or immature or fake girls who are still left.  I wonder if they all mean the SAME person or not.  Or if they don't really mean ANYONE, but just wanted to spook him as they departed.  I mean, hell, thats can be fun--don't get upset at the dude who is dropping you--make him second-guess every decision he's going to make from here on out.  That's some solid mind fucking right there!

Colton is NOT in the mood to celebrate with the remaining women, so he leaves and we get a LENGTHY preview of what is to come in these final weeks.

Bachelor Nation, we FINALLY get our dramatic fence jump, SOMEONE is revealed to be full of shit (Cassie?), Alabama Hannah gets a hometown date, Colton (seemingly) cashes in that V card, and proposes to one lucky lady.  Can you believe that we are in the home stretch!?

What do you think goes down between now and the finale!? Who are your top contenders?

Wednesday, February 6, 2019

Bachelor Colton Ep 5: The Mystery of Kirpa's Chin Injury

Hey lovebugs!

How are you doing? Are you in agreement with me and a sweetheart who I met at a Superbowl Party on Sunday night, that this season of The Bachelor is absolutely fantastic? People doubted Colton—they were weirded out by the "virgin bachelor" thing, they thought he was too bland, yet—against all odds—the alchemists behind this franchise have cooked up a HELLA good season, full of catfights, friendship, diversity, squashing of drama, stoking of drama, candid stories of sexual assault, heart-to-heart conversations about relationships and safety, and so much more. Honestly, it's been super refreshing and heartening to watch.

OK but let's get down to the recap!

On Monday night, Colton and 13 beautiful ladies who could probably find love more easily in ANY platform other than on a TV show, flew to THAILAND for a week of sweaty dates!

Heather (Never Been Kissed Jerry Hall look-alike) get the first 1:1 date and she meets Colton on a beach rocking a cute black one piece, short shorts, sandals, hair down, and a bold lip. Great look! Colton is dressed for a day of exploration and they cruise to a floating city where they shop in a marketplace and canoodle. At one point, Colton asks her,  "do you blow kisses," as if "never been kissed" means "never even BLOWN a kiss" which made me laugh. Oh Colton, I can't tell if you're funny or dumb but I like all of it.

While all this romance is going down, back at the hotel suite, redheaded "cougar" Elyse is spiraling and feeling anxious, sad, unsure. I can only imagine the way that this experience would do a number on you mentally.

Then we're back to LOTS of mouth close-ups (NO NO NO) and FEEDING (creepy).  Over dinner that evening (Colton in a pink button-down, Heather in a light pink dress and a tragically low number of accessories), Heather talks about how she dated a guy that she didn't much like for 8 MONTHS and never kissed him!! This was AFTER COLLEGE! Good Lord Heather, what is going on here!?

Post-liquid dinner, Colton and Heather walk to a beach where they stand by a fire and nearly jump out of their skin when fireworks go off, then they lean in together and Heather has her first kiss on national TV as Bachelor Nation cheers her on.  I am giving myself dumb chills for typing this, but the way that Colton gently held her face was really sweet and lovely. Oh man Colton, you've got me all bugaboo!

Back the hotel, Elyse is DONE UP for who knows what—a sultry night of "swimming in the ocean" (Juan Pablo season speak for HUMPS) when Colton returns from his date? A tearful conversation when Colton returns from his date? A night of ticklefights with the other women?

The ladies are all assembled when Has Been Kissed NOW Heather returns and she fills them in on her day, which is Elyse's cue to head out in search of Colton. Elye's look was like a knockout GHOST, with the ethereal layers of her barely-there, white/beige sundress.

Elyse knocks on Colton's door and he lets her in, then they sit down to talk. Elyse is already very emotional and she explains that she is having a hard time, this isn't about jealousy or insecurity (are we sure, girl?), but she knows that she cannot accept a proposal from him in just a few weeks. I get that, but also, Elyse, with all due respect, girl, aren't we getting a lil ahead of ourselves? But maybe not! Hey, if you know that you simply CANNOT be part of the thing that is truly THE POINT of this show, then I guess it's better to dip sooner than later. Also, wait, why did you come on the show in the first place?  Either way, Elyse bounces, cursing herself all the way home, which made me sad for her.

The next day, Colton has signature "I cried myself to sleep" puffy eyes (I know those when I see 'em cause sometimes I see 'em in the mirror BUT I AM FINE, dear readers) and the group date is a day of survival in the jungle and there is never a wrong time to share this gem:

The 10 ladies meet their shared BF in the jungle and Colton misses a prime opportunity to scream, "do you know where you are? You're in the jungle baby, and you're going to DIE" but maybe he didn't want to do that in front of jungle townie, Joe. Joe literally grew up in the jungle and he teaches the crew how to get water from trees, eat slugs and bugs, and dig up grubs. Yikes. Alabama Hanna is INTO IT and chows down like she's on Fear Factor.

Colton puts a snake on his shoulders, Britney-style and soon it's time for a competition.

Actual photo of Colton 
The crew splits up into 3 teams and each team must secure water, protein, and something else. Two teams manage to follow directions and take the challenge seriously (plus Tayshia is pretty slick in delegating tasks to the other members of her team so that her "task" can be smooching Colton) but one team decides to go a different route and think "outside the box" (the beloved refrain of people who think that rules don't apply to them) and "instead of thinking hard, think smart" (again GOOD LORD who is coming up with these phrases, is it deadbeat father Steve Jobs??? BLECH).  No no, it's not Steve Jobs, it's DEMI because THERE is a girl who will always go for cleverness over hard work. Double blech. Her team hops into the truck they arrived in, takes it back to their hotel, and gets burgers and bubbly as their "protein" and drinks. Am I taking this all too seriously that I truly found that move disrespectful to jungle townie Joe? Team #1 wins and their prize is...the respect of their peers?

That night at the afterparty, Demi looks like dog shit in yellow separates (white women can RARELY pull of yellow, people!), Tayshia looks ravishing in a red romper, Katie has a gold, drapey top that looks cool. Alabama Hannah is very cute and tells Colton that she's falling in love with him (she also mentions that she'd be a good fighter if a zombie apocalypse hit and this girl is my kinda crazy). Onyeka pulls Colton aside to drop a bombshell: Elyse told Onyeka that she talked to Nicole and Nicole said that she's just here to find opportunity and get out of Miami. 

Dude, Onyeka please SIT DOWN. You are forever in the thick of drama and your claims that you share this information with Colton "to protect him" ring false. So, we have the standard routine: Onyeka tells Colton this, he is crestfallen, he grabs Nicole and asks her directly, she denies it and is crestfallen, she returns to the group and confronts Onykeka AND ROUND AND ROUND WE GO!!!

HOW do these shit-stirrers not realize that the CARDINAL rule of Bachelor: if you are involved in drama in ANY respect (whether you are the supposed truth teller or the person being trashed), YOU have just secured your ticket home!!

Mark my words: Colton will send THEM BOTH home the next time he has a chance.

The one thing that occurred in this tangle that was refreshing was that Tayshia chimed in and defended Nicole, saying that she was present for this conversation (between now departed Elyse and Nicole and her) and that Nicole simply said that in life, you have to take advantage of opportunities and you never know what could happen and it could change your life. Tayshia is as solid friend to Nicole and it was nice to watch.

Alabama Hannah scores the group date rose and I hope Demi cried herself to sleep. (Am I too harsh on her? Good!)

The next day is Colton and Cassie's 1:1 and it's like a full day straddle. They make out and straddle in the water for hours. They aren't even talking or laughing much—just sorta intensely making out. That night they talk about how they feel like they have known each other forever, how she's a bit nervous because now her family will know she's not a virgin (ugh I hate sexuality shaming), and that they feel safe with each other. Cassie will be in the final 2, I bet.

But before we dive into the cocktail party, let's talk about the real star of episode 5: Kirpa's chin bandage!!

Throughout the episode, sweet Kirpa (who will NOT make it to hometowns, trust) rocks a chin bandage AND WE ARE NEVER TOLD WHAT HAPPENED! At first my roommate and I thought it was to cover a zit, but it KEPT showing up!! What is going on here!? Can we get an explanation, please!??! This was insanity!

Finally, it's cocktail party time but Onyeka and Nicole use it as BRAWL TIME. Oh man. Everyone else is flirting with Colton, sipping drinks, but Miami's spiciest export and Drama Queen Forever are GOING AT IT, to the point that Colton walks away from Katie to see what the fuss is all about.  Colton attempts to calm down the conversation (without saying the phase "calm down," thankfully because that phrase is like gasoline on a fire) and when they ignore him, he gets up and walks away in frustration. The girls are stunned by this, so they take a page from the Tiresome Idiot's playbook and BOTH CHASE HIM!! NOOOOO! 

Ladies, DO NOT chase a man. He is annoyed and exhausted and wants to be alone. Don't chase him for 2 reasons:

1. By walking away, he is setting a boundary and making it clear that he wants to be alone;
2. It's useless. Perhaps I am thinking about "not chasing" in broad terms, but a man either likes you or he doesn't, and you can't convince him and if you TRY to, it's sad, thirsty, and you will humiliate yourself AND it will not work. So if a guy doesn't like you or walks away from you, let it be, move on, and seek out a partner who DOES want to be with you.

But these 2 ladies can't hear my warnings, so they both follow him out and try to talk to him, prompting him to say "I'm over it" and walk to the beach alone. I'm wondering it the fence-jump that we saw in the season preview is about to happen.

We'll find out next week because the producers left us with a cliffhanger!! Bah! I can't wait to learn what happens! What do you think will happen, dear readers?