Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Bachelor Arie: Women Tell All, BLAND-tasy Suite


I am, as usual, late with this recap and it's for my standard reasons (I work full time and perform standup most nights and I burn the candle at both ends AND ALSO that last thing is the title of a podcast about candles that I dream of launching BUT WHO HAS THE TIME???), BUT ALSO ALSO I'm late because, dammit, Arie is just SO painfully boring.  This season has been a SLOG and not even the whisper antics of Krystal or the wise words of Bekah can save it!

Sunday night's Women Tell All episode was an embarrassment.  There was SO LITTLE DRAMA there that Chris Harrison had to resort to showcasing "Great Moments in Women Tell All History"--are you kidding me? I haven't seen that much filler since I stopped stuffing my bra (and I really didn't "stop" so much as I just switched over to a SUPER padded push up bra because, listen, I have A cups and some shirts just look nicer when you have SOME sort of chest to put them over).

A quick run-down of Women Tell All:
-I always love this episode because it's the LAST CHANCE for most of these people to be on TV so they are all DONE UP like WOA.
-Krystal definitely had work done.
-Bekah's look was NOT my favorite. I think she's really pretty and has great style, but her bonkers earrings and old flapper dress were NOT doing anything for me.
-Chelsea needed more bronzer (God what is HAPPENING when a Bachelor participant isn't rocking ENOUGH bronzer?) and her dress looked like maroon velvet water wings.
-Bibiana seems to have gotten a boob job (no shame in that game) but SWEET JESU WHY is she wearing a dress that makes her look naked? WHITE WOMEN LISTEN UP: PLEASE STOP WEARING DRESSES THAT MATCH YOUR SKIN COLOR! IT'S CREEPY AND STUNNINGLY UNFLATTERING. (Can you tell that I am in a MOOOOOOD?)
-Caroline (Tia's pal--brown hair--gorgeous) rocked a white pantsuit (tribute to our actual president, Madam Hillary Rodham Clinton? I hope so b/c I LOVE  HRC) and spent most of the episode almost crying while screaming--I LOVED IT.
-there were jokes about Arie having a small dick, which seemed both unprecedented and accurate.
-Arie came out and appeared to be sleepwalking (dude is SUCH a snooze), straight-up said that he wishes he had a do-over (yikes).
-Caroline cryptically said, "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID" and asked Arie if he was REALLY there to find a wife, to which Arie responded that we'll all watch how it plays out. DOUBLE YIKES! Unlike previous Women Tell All Eps, there was NO question of "are you in love" or "are you engaged" to Arie (WEIRD) and Arie did NOT seem excited. Yiiiiiiikes, man!!
actual photo of Chelsea at Women Tell All

Then Monday we had the Fantasy Suite date aka, 3 Humps in 3 Nights (and if that title doesn't get used to an upcoming movie starring Zac Efron there is NO justice in this world).  Arie and his remaining trio (Quirky Kendall, Corny Becca, Boring Lauren) head to PERU for SEX (and wine, tourist activities).  

Arie starts the episode saying that he's excited to get to know the women "on a whole new level" and that level is DICK LEVEL. 

Kendall is up first and she  looks like an extra from 21 Jump Street with her plaid shirt tied around the waist and jeans.  She and Arie meet in the desert and cruise around in a dune buggy, much like that classic 1990s song but Presidents of the United States of America! 

They attempt to have a picnic in the desert and eat food coated in sand as they discuss the fact that there are STILL issues they need to discuss and honestly, at this point, it feels like it's just too late for all that. That night Kendall rocks a red jumpsuit that I LOVE and Arie pours his pasty, Silly Putty-like body into dark suit so that they can eat seafood and talk.  Kendall makes a point that I REALLY relate to, which is that she often suspects that men date her as a novelty--she's quirky! Plays ukulele! Likes taxidermy! Isn't this fun and interesting but not sustainable? I REALLY related to that--plenty of guys are curious about standup, want to learn about comedy, but don't see me as a viable option for a partner, I don't think.  So Kendall, I get you, girl.  And I also love your liquid liner cat eye. 

Arie pulls the fantasy suite date card from beneath a table runner (DID YOU SEE THAT? It was like a magic trick OF DICK) and Kendall agrees to "forego her individual room" so they had up to the fantasy suite where Arie JUMPS on the bed like he's back at a USC sorority house (apparently he has gotten AROUND the sororities of SoCal universities) and it's lights out. 

The next morning they cuddle as the cameraman gets footage of their clothing strewn on the floor (ARE YOU PICKING UP WHAT HE IS PUTTING DOWN, BACHELOR NATION?), eat some eggs, then Arie needs to zip off to sex date #2. 

Up next is Snooze Lauren and she's rocking an off-the-shoulder, chambray peasant blouse that Bekah also owns.  Arie meets her at an airport and stands in front of a plane as Lauren enters, prompting Lauren to remark, "there's a plane behind you" and GOOD LORD LAUREN, that's almost as bad as the time when you called an Italian piazza, "so Italian." They hop in a plane and go look at the Nazca Lines as they sit in silence.  Later they sit at a table and Lauren says "like" every other word but manages to communicate that she is VERY nervous that she'll end up getting her heart broken and GIRL you have GOT to accept that possibility and get over it. I mean, IN LIFE there are no guarantees! Sure, your heart might get broken sometime.  Hell, you might get hit by a bus! You might lose your phone! Your colorist might royally fuck up your hair--ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN! You gotta roll with it (baby). 

I truly think that she's playing up the whole "I put up walls because I'm scared I will get hurt" because she knows that she's profoundly uninteresting.  Sure, she's cute and dresses well, but there's no there there, so she HAS to claim that she has clammed up due to nerves--is she REALLY going to admit that she doesn't have many interests and knows very little about life and the world? 

That night over dinner, Lauren thanks Arie for being so patient and supportive and I suppose he has been, but he seems annoyed that instead of getting to know Lauren (bad news, bro--there isn't much to know), he has spent these weeks and months reassuring her. That shit gets tiresome.  Pre-fantasty suite, Arie straight up says "I love you" to Lauren which is pretty unprecedented.  Historically, the Bachelor or Bachelorette has NOT been "allowed" to drop the L-bomb to any contestant.  He or she has only been like, "I appreciate that" when a contestant has opted to drop the L-bomb him or  herself.  Also, yes, I just referred to myself as a Bachelor historian and it's v. sad. 

They head to a candlelit hump den and, presumably, test drive the 'ole car before they buy it.  The next morning Arie is wearing AN ABOMINATION of an outfit--black shorts, white T-shirt, BLACK SOCKS PULLED UP TO HIS CALVES AND BLACK SNEAKERS!? Lauren sees it and STILL kisses him, says she loves him. Get some self-respect, girl. 

Finally it's time for Becca--the 3rd lady in this sex hattrick, so we shall call her "Sloppy Thirds" even though she is my favorite of the 3.  They meet up by a boat and throughout their day of boating, laughing, and seal spotting, Becca is eager and enthusiastic while Arie seems a bit distant--or maybe that's just Arie being Arie?  That evening they clean up (Becca's rocking a crushed velvet 90s look and I dig it) to cuddle and drink in a SUPER COOL tent (great work, Bachelor powers-that-bee) where Becca says "I love you" to Arie AND HE RECIPROCATES!! OK, so now he's both sexing AND L-bomb dropping with 2 women in 2 nights.  Yikes.  

Becca and Arie's "fantasy suite" is a cute tent erected in the sand dunes and it's cute but I bet it gets HOT in there once the hump down starts, ya know? 

The next morning, Arie somehow acquires a tray of breakfast food and they enjoy a lovey-dovey post-sex brunch outside.  

Everyone heads back to the hotel and who appears but ROSS, Becca's ex-BF who is on a mission and also EXTREMELY HOT.  Ummm, yo, how about ROSS for next Bachelor?  

ummmm hi 
BUT I will say one thing.  Despite the fact that Ross is HOT and stocky (my kryptonite), it's a pretty creepy move to fly to Peru, drive 5 hours, and insist that a proposal of marriage is "yours" to give her. Dude, Becca doesn't owe you shit--nothing of HERS is at all YOURS.  She's allowed to do whatever she wants.  But call me, OK, Ross?

So yes, I'm sure you heard, Ross rolled up to their hotel and talked to Arie as if Becca was a possession of his, then talked to Becca and stupidly thought that she'd LOVE this BIG gesture and run away with him.  Props to Becca for rolling her eyes at Ross and telling him that life isn't "The Notebook." Boy, bye. 

Somehow, seeing her stocky, sex ex drove Becca back into the lanky, undefined arms of Pasty Snooze Arie and before we knew it, we were ready for a rose ceremony. 

Becca is in a whiteish flowy dress with a SUPER low cut v neck thing, hair to the side; Lauren is in a red dress that makes her look like a young senator's wife; Kendall's in a regrettable black dress with patterned top, flowy bottom.  They line up to learn their fate and Arie asks Kendall if he can chat with her. We all know what THIS one means--bye bye, Ukulele Player.  Arie and Kendall talk and she totally gets it--she's sad but she's also not ready to marry him, so girl has gotta go.  They have a sweet, tearful goodbye and Kendall leaves.  

Arie goes through with the rose ceremony, handing Lauren the first rose (because she constantly needs reassurance so would probably have a breakdown if she were given the 2nd rose out of 2) and Becca the second.  

Next week is the LIVE finale and if you have heard the rumors, shit gets MESSY.  I can't wait! 

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Bachelor Arie: HOMETOWNS: Arie gets GRILLED by the COOK SHACK


Monday night gave us one of every Bachelor fan's favorite episodes, hometowns.  The 2 hour spectacle in which 4 newly-minted couples (from a group that totals 5 people) take their love off the road and back home for Mom + Dad + every random aunt or uncle within the state to gather 'round and scrutinize.  This episode took Pasty Snooze Arie from Los Angeles, CA to Weiner, AR to Minneapolis, MN and finally to Virginia Beach, VA.  Then back to Los Angeles to turn one lucky into an Instagram celebrity/Bachelor In Paradise participant!  Who was the lucky gal who avoided Arie's grasp?  We'll soon find out!

The commercials made it seem as if every family would DETEST Arie and lemme tell ya, I was ready for it.

First up was Kendall, a native Angelino, who dressed up in a daisy duke romper (contrasted with Arie's dark jeans, plain navy T-shirt) and took him to a "taxidermy room" also known as a terrifying storage shed chock full of dead animals that are pumped full of glue!

Actual photo of Kendall and Arie on their date

Kendall shares the great news that they will be "mounting" their own taxidermy--is "mounting" what they call it in the 'Dermy World? In my day, "mounting" was more about hooking up and less about dead animal skins, but what do I know?

Arie and Kendall "mount" these dead animal skins and I have seen some bizarre and occasionally gross stuff on The Bachelor before,  but NOTHING like this.  Arie and Kendall mount some rats and I'm sure they picked an animal that most Americans find disgusting to avoid controversy (am I overthinking?) then they put their dead rats into FORMALWEAR and placed them in a diorama of PARIS by moonlight.  HOW IS ANY OF THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENING!?

Kendall tells Arie that he'll be meeting her parents, her brother Colton (of COURSE kid's name is Colton) and her twin sister Kiley who "reads really heavily on energy." Away we go!

They all sip wine over a kitchen island that has been decorated to resemble a table and before you can say, "is a kitchen island really that much better on camera than a real table," Kendall and her mother have zipped off to their family walk-in jewelry closet (HUH?) to "DISH" (in the words of Kendall's lovely mama).  Meanwhile, Kiley rocks a pink, silk robe and 1997-style Steve Madden slides (DID ANYONE ELSE NOTICE THOSE?), plus giant hoops and seems unimpressed by Arie.  Kendall and Kiley have a sister chat among the beads and all that matters is that BOTH gals rock a mean liquid liner cat eye. Energy reader Kiley says that this relationship isn't "undeniable" at the same time that Kendall's dad tells Arie that Kendall isn't likely to accept a proposal. Wheee! I LOVE THIS FAMILY. They say goodbye to the family and once Kendall and Arie are alone, she admits that she kisses him in order to avoid "emotion" (or is it in order to avoid SEEING his FACE?) but Arie does that, too, so they're either a perfect match or a couple who will kiss their way through divorce court someday.

Up next is Tia's hometown of Weiner, Arkansas and you know I'm pro-Razorback because I have lots of relatives in Arkansas, plus I have visited many times.  The Arkansas accent is my favorite version of the southern accent and sweet Tia has got it.

Arie and Tia meet up at a dirt road race track because Bachelor Producers are desperate to remind Bachelor Nation that Arie was allegedly, at one point, somewhat cool.  They cruise around and both say "you did so good" which made Bachelor Nation's small neighborhood, Grammar Gulch, retch into a bag.  Over drinks in the bed of a truck (my kind of date), Tia tells Arie that he'll be meeting her parents, brother, aunt, and cousin.

Soon they are at Tia's parents' one floor house (so many one floor houses this year!) and Arie has flowers and a gift of the family. Sweet Tia breaks out in tears upon seeing her mother, which tugged at my heartstrings.  Once they are settled over a plate of pigs in a blanket (no joke), Tia tells a heartwarming tale of this one time when someone ELSE got the rose THEN Tia got the rose. Ahhh, love among the harem. Tia's Dad Kenny proposes a toast to Tia and "Air-ey" before he and brother Jason take Arie out back to sit in front of the "COOK SHACK" (is that just a sorta BBQ building? Like a pool house but only for meats?) to "grill him" (PUN INTENDEEEEEY!) about his reputation as a slut--err--the "Kissing Bandit."  Arie charms them each by saying that he USED to be a slut--err--Kissing Bandit--when he was you and, I dunno, maybe handsome???? (But like, probably not handsome EVER, let's be honest) BUT that NOW he's ready to settle down and Tia is strong, honest, and cool.  Both men LOVE HIM after that!  Welp, that was easy!

Meanwhile, Tia and her mother talk about how you need to learn some lessons in life and "if those hadn't gone so wrong, then this wouldn't be going so right" and I hope they form a country music duo with writing like that.  Once AREY and Tia are alone outside, she tells Arie that she's in love with him, drops an F bomb, and sends him on his way. Oh Tia, you are MUCH too cool for this jag.

Next stop is Minneapolis, Minnesota where Arie meets up with Becca "LET'S DO THE DAMN THING! I LIKE EXCLAIMING THINGS! DOESN'T IT MAKE ME SEE LIKE A FREE SPIRIT?" K. in a frozen apple orchard!! They talk about Becca's late father, pick apples and whip them into a target via slingshot, carve "B+A" into a tree stump, then head out to Prior Lake to meet Becca's family.

Becca's family is made up of mostly elderly men, one of whom is Uncle Garry who DON'T TAKE NO MESS, Arie.  Uncle Garry talks about Becca's late father and says that he and his crew are Becca's guard dogs and asks if Becca is the "real deal" to him. Arie responds that yes, she is, which is essentially what he tells EVERY FAMILY during his 4 stop hometown tour.

We watch the standard hometown situation--family is skeptical at first but Arie manages to SOMEHOW, SOME WAY, despite his lack of charisma and looks, charm them, then drive off into the night. Before he leaves, Becca exclaims, "SEE YA SOON, YA STUD MUFFIN" and good Lord it's like watching an awkward 5th grader try to learn how to flirt.  Please stop.

Arie's final stop on the tour is Virginia Beach, VA where Lauren greets Arie on the boardwalk with the required, fun, jump, straddle maneuver.  Lauren looks cute, which is smart since that's most of what she has to offer, and Arie's choice of a light blue button-down was VERY UNWISE cause (a) it's an unflattering color on him (but, well, what color IS NOT unflattering on him?), but larger issue (b) it shows pit stains!! And you are about to PIT HARD, Pasty Snooze!

At Lauren's family's beautiful brick home (is that design what they call Georgian? What do I know?), Lauren's mom is as poker face as Lauren and Lauren's dad seems to hate any male who doesn't play golf or have a military background. Wheeeee!! Sadly, Arie is AGAIN able to charm them (well, the dad at least) by mentioning that he went to Iraq to hang out with soldiers one time.  Lauren and Arie both insist that their connection is from the fact that they are SO similar and it's true--they are both EXCEEDINGLY dull! A match made in SNOOZE HEAVEN!  They kiss goodbye and soon it's time to hear back to Los Angeles for a good, old fashioned TV dumping!

The ladies are done up--Becca in a light red, one shoulder dress and delicate gold jewelry (love it), Kendall in a royal blue dress that's got a major V cut out by the boobs (love it), Tia in a white dress that feels like a tribute to the Winter Olympics (don't love it, but she looks great), Lauren in a black dress with sheer panels (love it).  Arie arrives in a dark suit, grey tie, and confused look on his face.  This fucking guy.

The ladies line up and before Arie commences with rose distribution, he pulls Kendall aside and at that point, I am SURE that he's going to send her home. That is THE MOVE, man. Be like, "can I talk to you?" then DROP KICK THEM but in a nice way where you don't make them watch a rose ceremony.  BUT NO.  Kendall talks to him about how she is feeling, that she wants to keep seeing him, but she has some walls up.  Then they got BACK to the line-up! Wah!??!!? Duuuuude.

OK, so roses get handed out like so:
-Lauren - some still waters run deep, but some still waters are just profoundly boring, ya know?
-Kendall - Arie wants a lifetime of liquid liner and bead closets and, really, who can blame him?

So sweet, beautiful, cool as shit Tia is heading back to Arkansas to start posting Instagram stories about free junk she gets from fledgling personal care product companies.  She looks STUNNED and cries hard and I don't blame her.  They sit down on a bench and she asks what she did wrong, says she put herself out there, then she says THE BEST line I have heard in a while, "tell me SOMETHING."  Yeah girl.  I relate to that.  Shockingly, Arie says something that's also quite meaningful: "it's not about your worth--it's about the emotion between two people."  AMEN, PASTY SNOOZE.

Tia cries in the back o f the limo and in the preview for next week, we see that a disgruntled ex is about to drop in BUT FIRST, we have back to back BACH next week!  Sunday night will be Women Tell All and then Monday night is SEX EP aka Fantasy Suite. I'm fired up! Whose ex-BF do you think is dropping in? Lauren's? The dude has a southern accent, it seems--who could it be!? Also I can't WAIT for Women Tell All! KRYSTAL will be IN THE HOUSE!!

Monday, February 19, 2018

Bachelor Arie Ep 7: Tuscany Treachery

On Monday’s episode of The Worst Bachelor in The History of the Franchise And Yeah, That Even Includes Out-of-Touch Narcissist Juan Pablo or, as ABC is encouraging us to call it, The Bachelor, Schlubby Arie and the remaining 7 ladies were in Tuscany, Italy for a week of romantic dates just before HOMETOWNS. 

Chris Harrison greets the ladies in a beautiful Italian piazza that Lauren B. would describe as looking "very Italian," and tells them what the week has in store: 3 1-on-1 dates and a group date with roses up for grabs on all dates, no rose ceremony, then hometowns next week.

The ladies say what they say every week, “the pressure IS ON” this week.

Jacqueline is in full neurotic New Yorker mode, saying that she’s “on this weird precipice—but am I just falling in love with falling in love?” and I can’t decide if she sounds like Woody Allen or Carrie Bradshaw, but let’s go with Carrie for now. 

Am I just falling in love with being in love or do I TRULY love a pasty schlub who lives
 in goddamn Scottsdale and wears bronzer to hide his disgusting, sallow complexion? 

The first date card is for Becca K. and it has a reference to the “Under the Tuscan Sun,” as legally mandated by that book’s publisher and the Italian government.  Becca gets dressed up in a white, flowy dress that’s off the shoulders (this season was ALL about that sorta peasant blouse style that makes you appear to be practically naked) and features a cool pattern, plus tan flats. Arie pulls up in a killer, red convertible but dressed DOWN (as ever) in a light blue button down, greyish drab pants, and Chuck Taylors. I LOVE Chuck Taylors but goodness gracious all of Arie’s clothing appears sun bleached and old.  Is this the Hipster Bachelor or some shit?  

Actual photo of Arie's wardrobe

They drive in a convertible to Becca laments that she lacks a kerchief to keep her hair from tangling (I KNOW, GIRL!) then they arrive at Barga where they buy bread, cheese, and meat for a picnic.

A few bottles of wine and some long stemmed wine glasses appear, as if by magic, and Becca and Arie talk about confidence, their interest in one another, and then cuddle on a stone wall during magic hour.  They cap it off by making out HARD against a wall (and dude—is that Arie’s MOVE? He seems to love a wall make-out and I can dig it, but what an odd move). 

That night, as Jacqline is swimming in a sea of “swirling doubts” at the hotel, Arie and Becca are talking about him potentially meeting her family, which is, to be honest, a conversation that most couples on this show would have had WEEKS AGO.

Quick aside:
I’m a longtime member of Bachelor Nation and, as embarrassing as this is to admit,  I’m intimately familiar with what types of things the couples discuss at each stage of the game.  Just before hometowns, most couples are MUCH farther along than Arie and ANY of this ladies are. I mean, he’s just now learning a bit about their families!?!?!! That doesn’t necessarily come earlier, but often it does, at least for ONE front runner.  This whole season is so bizarre because there has never been a super clear front runner (beyond Bekah who I think we all knew wouldn’t be in his final two)—at first it seemed to be Chelsea, then maybe Krystal, and now it’s just sorta equally possibly Tia or Kendall or Becca, I guess?  This is all a byproduct of Arie’s lack of depth---the couples don’t have any cutesy inside jokes, the dates EVEN THIS LATE IN THE GAME, feel like 1st or 2nd week dates—Arie just doesn’t know much about these women, nor do they know much about him.  Which is why so many of the pre-Hometown conversations this episode felt SO forced and also why Arie has NEVER pulled a woman aside to dump her 1:1.  In previous seasons, people do that ALL THE TIME because they have such a connection to the person and don’t want to put the person through a rose ceremony. But not Arie! He has almost ZERO connection to ANY of these women, so he is BY THE BOOK with these rejections.  Ouch.

OK but back to the action and now we gotta make this fast because this week turned into a SPRINT with an upcoming project plus work plus shows every night.  OK, we're going to whip through the rest, sorry, Bach heads:

-at the end of Becca and Arie's date, he throws her a rose which means that the Pasty Snooze Bachelor is heading to Minneapolis to meet her family who will no doubt be horrified!
-when Becca and Arie return from their date, Jacqueline goes to talk to him 1:1 about her doubts. Arie seems shocked which makes me wonder if he has looked in a mirror recently.  As my sweet pal Mara Herron used to advise me when I was dating a parade of heavyset, long-haired mountain men who looked like they just escaped from a witch's basement where they were unable to shave or shower:

Look at fucking HIM and look at fucking YOU.

-Anyway, Jacqueline decides to bounce because she's just not feeling 100% secure with things. Smart girl.
-As she departs, Jacqueline says, "I do feel like I kind of suck at being happy" and oh girl I GET IT.
-The next day Pasty Snooze Arie and Tan Snooze Lauren cruise around Luca on bicycles. Arie throws out the classic dweebus Arie line as they eat pizza in a piazza, "pizza in Italy--CHECK!"  Gosh when ARIE is the one serving up conversation and observations, you're in trouble. Lauren smiles and describes their surroundings as "so Italian." Lauren admits that she's scared about making herself vulnerable since her fiancee dumped her a year ago and I ALSO get that. But that doesn't make up for her lack of personality. Hell, I'm TERRIFIED of relationships and men and real vulnerability but I can chat with a wall!  It's called PERSONALITY--try to get one!
-That night Lauren finally says to Arie that she's falling in love with him and he responds by WALKING AWAY (huuuuuuhhhhh?) and leaving Lauren sitting alone at the table, likely thinking that she is being dumped, then he returns and gives her the rose. Dude, what was that disappearance about? When she asks Lauren if she will accept this rose, Lauren responds by saying, "absa-friggin'-lutley" and WOW is their a glimmer of a personality in there?!?!??!
-Sienne and Arie finally have a 1:1 and, as usual, Arie is dressed in an outfit that can best be described as "overslept and had to throw on whatever was nearby and then RACE to the airport" and Sienne looks smoking hot--hair down, shell toe Adidas; black, snug jeans; white, filmy blouse; black leather jacket.  They spend the day with a sweet Italian family and the date is WONDERFUL, Arie is SUPER touchy-feely with Sienne, so you know how this is going to end--he sends her home.  GODDAMIT!! But isn't that always the way?  Every time a guy has been SUPER engaged with me or touchy-feely too soon, he's been an indicator that he's about to drop me.  EVERY TIME. Sienna, you were too good for him anyway.
-The next day is a 3-on-1 date at a gorgeous French chateau and the crew is Arie (do we need to even address his awful clothes?), Tia (black jeans, maroon blouse), Kendall (black crop top LOVE IT and floral skirt), and Bekah (chambray top, denim skirt like a female Canadian tuxedo).
-Kendall opens up to him despite how uber-rational she is (which is an interesting combo and I gotta say, Kendall has really grown on me).
-Tia and Arie definitely have a connection but she spends her alone time with him saying that Bekah isn't ready for marriage, which is true, but Tia girl--no need to throw yourself into that mess.
-Bekah and Arie have a chat and Arie talks to her like he's the cool, new camp counselor and she's his camper. Bekah asks him to have a little faith but you can really tell that she's mostly sad that their whirlwind travel journey will be ending soon.
-Arie gives Kendall the rose, so she gets to leave (sweet prize!) and he will definitely be meeting her family in Ukulele/Taxidermy land.
-So now it's a 2:1 between Tia and Bekah at night and Tia looks gorgeous in a black, low but dress; Bekah looks like she's on a Carribean vacation which is an odd choice because you can tell that the weather is FREEZING.  Meanwhile, Arie is in a suit but instead of a button-down shirt, he's wearing a goddamn T-shirt like a frigging pauper. Dude, you're killing me.
-Arie gives Tia the rose so they are Arkansas-bound, baby!
-Arie walks Bekah out and they don't even stop at the little bench. Bekah quickly says, "it's OK. It will end well for you--I know it will" and hops in a car where she WEEPS.  You can tell she's just crying from shock, really. Well, shock and sadness that her free vacation is over.  So long, Baby Rizzo. We hardly knew you--truly, because Arie is unskilled at getting to know people.

So tonight is the legendary episode of HOMETOWNS and it looks like Arie is going to face some TOUGH FAMILIES who don't like him.  I assume he's used to that. 

Saturday, February 10, 2018

Bachelor Arie Ep 6: Paris By Floating Hotel


As usual, I’m late.  The usual—I was busy crushing the comedy scene from Boston to LA and everywhere in between, cruising on a MegaBus (with a reserved seat that cost me an extra dollar because I’m a frigging VIP) so I didn’t watch The Bachelor on Monday night, but rather on Tuesday night and I only got through an hour and 35 minutes that night, then the rest today (Saturday).  But let’s get into it while we can, shall we? 

Arie is with 10 remaining ladies in the city of love, Paris, France! The 10 gals are crashing in a floating, commie Russia-style tanker that Tia says is “very Parisien” and I guess she has never been to Berlin because I could see a German thrash metal band holding it DOWN in that boat, but not Paris natives.  Arie tells Chris Harrison that, “this week is really important” for probably the 6th week in a row. Everybody hates Krystal (except for Krystal) and they are all fired up for a big week: two 1:1 dates, a group date, and the dreaded and infamous 2:1. Awwww snap mama loves a 2:1!  

The first date is for Lauren “is there a personality in there somewhere?” B. and she looks cute—greyish/blue-ish patterned romper (shorts romper to show off her STEMS and OMG I hate the word “stems” for legs, don’t you?) and tan heels, hair down. Arie is in a blue button down and black pants because he is deathly allergic to dressing like he wants to get puss. When he does that, he breaks out in a rash so he is FORCED to wear Tom’s shoes (barf) and shirt/pants combos that don’t go together—doctor’s orders! 

For their date, they hop in a gorgeous wooden boat (George Clooney style!) and cruise off along the Seine as the 9 other women watch and smile as they choke back tears. God I love this show. Arie remarks that, “she is so beautiful and even though I don’t know much about her, spending time with her makes me happy.” Well, Arie boy, you may soon learn that there isn’t much TO KNOW. 

They hop off the boat once they are out of eyeshot of the women (probably) and walk a lovely Parisian market as Arie refers to every damn thing as “so pretty” and Lauren B. says “WOW” enough that I think she might be in a Joey Lawrence impression contest but she’s crashing and burning because she got his catchphrase wrong. 

They sit on a bench and Arie grovels, saying, LITERALLY, “I would like more than anything for you to like me… I’m also searching for reassurance.” Dude you are SO THIRSTY! Goodness gracious are you not The Bachelor! Are you having a crisis of conscience, failed race car driver? I mean, you should because these women are out of your league but DON’T LET ON THAT YOU KNOW THAT!  Lauren smiles at these comments and does NOT tell him she likes him OR give him reassurance. WOW!! Neg game is STRONG for Lauren B. and it’s probably the only time I have cheered for her.  Lauren is smiley but cold—those are moves straight outta The Rules. 

That night they get dressed up and Lauren looks sexy AF in a slinky velvet, maroon-ish dress and heels while Arie sports a schlubby suit without a tie and GOOD LORD Arie, I have seen more consistently put together managers at the Red Lobster in Times Square (it’s a bad RL, but it gets the job done).  Over dinner drinks Lauren B. reveals that she's very guarded because she got engaged and post-engagement her fiancee turned into a total dick (yikes) and Arie tops her by sharing that he once dated a woman who got pregnant with his child and they were ready to settle down (seemingly?), then she had a miscarriage AND dumped him in dramatic fashion. Ouch. Arie gives Lauren B. a rose and she expresses her excitement by saying, totally deadpan, "wow this is huge." 

Up next is a group date at Moulin Rouge and the ladies get done up in sparkly, sequined showgirls outfits while Arie looks like a complete schlub in a black T-shirt and jeans. We learn that Sienne is a trained dancer, Tia is incapable of being sexy onstage, and Jenna is like a golden retriever in human form ("Arie is the most gorgeous ma alive!"). 

After a few minutes of "auditioning" (in the form of walking?) in showgirl costumes, the ladies change into yet another outfit for the "after party" (after WHAT, exactly?) and I'm LOVING some of these looks.  Bekah wears a black bustier with a cool choker (very on-brand for the venue), Sienne is in a super lacy, linger-looking dress, Tia rocks a bold lip and a filmy, polka dot dress thing and I remember some crushed, metallic velvet in there, too. Meanwhile Arie is in dark pants and a MAROON T-SHIRT. Sweet baby Jesu, Arie, could you DRESS for the occasion!??!!? 

In their alone time, Arie makes an obviously stolen joke, "is a French kiss in France just a kiss?" before making out with Bekah who is charming the pants off of him and playing him like a fiddle in the Dave Matthews Band (God remember that? We would legit be ROCKING OUT to music that included a fiddle). They talk about the "potential" between them which is completely bonkers because she's 22 and he's 36. What, the potential for her to have a 25th birthday party while he's pushing 40? 

Arie gives the group date rose to Bekah, which means that she gets to put on a costume and walk with him onstage during the ACTUAL show at the Moulin Rouge. Good thing that "role" requires ZERO talent, dancing skill, charisma because Arie aint got any of those! Arie looks like a spooky circus trainer in a top hat, suit, and cape while Bekah looks like a bizarro Betty Boop in a blue get-up and blood wig. The other women are forced to watch like some kind of mafia hit in which a guy is punished by having to watch his family get murdered in front of him. 

Up next is the infamous 2:1 date and the unlucky participants are Kendall and Krystal. With a 2:1, one gal is definitely being sent home but often BOTH are rejected because some Bachelors are hella efficient. 

Krystal is knee deep in her pool of delusion and is GLOATING about being taken on the 2:1 date, bargain that she's "wife material" (then, did I hear that right, "farm wife" material??) and that somehow, this is DESTINY (destiny isn't always a GOOD thing, my friend).  Krystal rocks high waist, white formal pants that appear to have darts and I do NOT get it, a crushed velvet tank top (sorta cute but also weird choice) while Kendall wears a patterned dress thing that isn't cute enough for her. 

They meet Arie at a French estate where he is, as always, ugly and underdressed, rocking a gingham shirt, light jeans, and casual sneakers. Goddamnit Arie, you are in a French mansion that was probably built before America was goddamn founded--would it KILL you to wear a pair of khakis? 

The ladies wander around a hedge maze trying to find Arie (IT'S A SUBTLE METAPHOR, GET IT?) then have drinks and bask in the gorgeous, French sunlight.  He has 1:1 time with each gal and Krystal uses hers to baby talk about how much Kendall isn't ready for love (cool move, psycho) and insist that it's "God's plan" that they got into a fight in a bowling alley. Oh yeah lady, the Lord works in mysterious ways and sometimes you can see his all-powerful machinations from inside an abandoned bowling alley--no doubt. She NEVER apologizes for badmouthing him (of course she doesn't--she's like a female Trump). 

During her 1:1 time with Arie, Kendall says something surprisingly astute for an adult who plays the ukulele: being ready for marriage isn't about the TIME, it's about the person.  She says this in defense of herself after Arie reports that Krystal said that Kendall isn't "ready for marriage" because her longest relationship was 10 months and she's damn right!  My longest relationship is 6 months because I'm wholly incapable of picking appropriate partners, but I'd be down to marry if the right dude came around. 

Kendall's very savvy and she pinpoints Krystal's issues: this is mostly just about winning for Krystal, when Krystal gets backed into a corner she doesn't apologize or calm down, she lashes out at others, and closing with this gem, "saying the thing that is hurtful doesn't mean you win, it just means you hurt someone." While they are sitting together, Kendall lays it on THICK with Krystal (saying, "there is so much beauty in there--you need to stop trying to control things and just let yourself be real") and I truly believe that she was being genuine with her, but Krystal is offended by it.  

Arie sits between the ladies and clutches a rose but claims that he can't make a decision, which is hilarious and no doubt the Producers forced him to pretend to be unsure about Krystal so that he could dump her in a more dramatic location--in a restaurant looking onto the Eiffel Tower at night. If you're going to dump, dump somewhere with a view, bro! 

Krystal looks gorgeous in a snug, white dress and Kendall could look better than her patterned, dark dress that isn't sexy at all. Arie is in a suit and no tie because he's allergic to looking good. They sip wine in a restaurant with  a KILLER view of the Eiffel Tower and Arie talks to Kendall 1:1, returns to the table, and is ready to hand the rose to one girl. Ha! The Producers definitely told him to wait until they got to this location to dump Krystal. As Arie offers the rose to Kendall, Krystal is smiling wide and nodding, which is extremely creepy. He is very gracious to her, though, saying that this was a hard decision (ha) and then simply WALKING OUT with Kendall on his arm. Oh man, the 2:1 exit is always BRUTAL! Add this to the archive of infamous 2:1 exits that includes 2 gals being left in the Badlands in Texas, that girl Olivia being ditched on a windswept tropical island as the helicopter flew away from her, and now Krystal staring at the Eiffel Tower in the city of love as she processes her heartbreak. 

Meanwhile, back in the industrial floating brothel, the ladies watch a Producer retrieve Krystal's bag and POP THAT BUBBLY!  

Finally, Jacqueline gets her long overdue 1:1 date and she spends most of their daytime shopping/drinking date extremely nervous and also, seemingly, drunk. Arie picks her up in a PIMP, red convertible (Triumph) which promptly breaks down (ha). They take a cab to a high-end clothing store where they sip bubbly and shop and Jacqueline ends up in a super bland, plain, black dress! Paris Fashion Week aint got nothing on how plain this dress is! 

They walk to Maxims where they sit down for a dinner of whiskey (nice) and Jacqueline confesses that she has 6 years left in working toward a PhD and that is her chose path, but she really likes Arie. Arie admits that he thought that perhaps she was too intelligent for him (dude can't dress but I appreciate his honesty there) and says that he doesn't want to hold her back or ask her to sacrifice her dreams for him. Just when you think they are going to make the smart move and decide to call it off, Arie hands her a rose and says that he wants to "see where it goes."  Then they head up a flight of stairs to make out HARD surrounded by green walls. 

Finally, it's rose ceremony time and heading into this, Jacqueline, Kendall, Bekah, and Lauren B. already have roses so they are safe. If I were one of them I'd roll up to the rose ceremony in sweatpants and be like, "I'm off the clock, assholes!" 

Who gets picked and who gets sent home to become an Instagram celebrity?  Roses go to....

-Tia: rocking a sparkly, disco delight jumper thing 
-Sienne: sporting a super low cut black dress and delicate jewelry 
-Becca: looking beautiful in a dark blue, flowy gown with major slit action. 

So heading home are: 
-Jenna: who looks gorgeous in a sexy, slinky black dress with sparkly neckline but it never felt like she and Arie had much connection. I mean, they're both pretty dumb but perhaps she's a tiny bit thicker than he is. 
-Chelsea: WOA MAMA is going home!!! Chelsea looks cute in a flirty, black cocktail dress thing and tan heels, but that can't save her. I think that SHE thought that she and Arie had a connection but they definitely didn't. I'm a little surprised that he didn't pull her aside in the advance of the rose ceremony, though.  I bet that she thought that if he was going to send her home, he'd do her the solid of telling her 1:1 alone but HAHAH SORRY, GIRL, NO WAY! 

Next week we (hahah THEY--right?) head to Tuscany and Lauren B. experiences insecurity as though every other woman there isn't ALSO going through the same thing.