Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Bachelor Arie: Women Tell All, BLAND-tasy Suite


I am, as usual, late with this recap and it's for my standard reasons (I work full time and perform standup most nights and I burn the candle at both ends AND ALSO that last thing is the title of a podcast about candles that I dream of launching BUT WHO HAS THE TIME???), BUT ALSO ALSO I'm late because, dammit, Arie is just SO painfully boring.  This season has been a SLOG and not even the whisper antics of Krystal or the wise words of Bekah can save it!

Sunday night's Women Tell All episode was an embarrassment.  There was SO LITTLE DRAMA there that Chris Harrison had to resort to showcasing "Great Moments in Women Tell All History"--are you kidding me? I haven't seen that much filler since I stopped stuffing my bra (and I really didn't "stop" so much as I just switched over to a SUPER padded push up bra because, listen, I have A cups and some shirts just look nicer when you have SOME sort of chest to put them over).

A quick run-down of Women Tell All:
-I always love this episode because it's the LAST CHANCE for most of these people to be on TV so they are all DONE UP like WOA.
-Krystal definitely had work done.
-Bekah's look was NOT my favorite. I think she's really pretty and has great style, but her bonkers earrings and old flapper dress were NOT doing anything for me.
-Chelsea needed more bronzer (God what is HAPPENING when a Bachelor participant isn't rocking ENOUGH bronzer?) and her dress looked like maroon velvet water wings.
-Bibiana seems to have gotten a boob job (no shame in that game) but SWEET JESU WHY is she wearing a dress that makes her look naked? WHITE WOMEN LISTEN UP: PLEASE STOP WEARING DRESSES THAT MATCH YOUR SKIN COLOR! IT'S CREEPY AND STUNNINGLY UNFLATTERING. (Can you tell that I am in a MOOOOOOD?)
-Caroline (Tia's pal--brown hair--gorgeous) rocked a white pantsuit (tribute to our actual president, Madam Hillary Rodham Clinton? I hope so b/c I LOVE  HRC) and spent most of the episode almost crying while screaming--I LOVED IT.
-there were jokes about Arie having a small dick, which seemed both unprecedented and accurate.
-Arie came out and appeared to be sleepwalking (dude is SUCH a snooze), straight-up said that he wishes he had a do-over (yikes).
-Caroline cryptically said, "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID" and asked Arie if he was REALLY there to find a wife, to which Arie responded that we'll all watch how it plays out. DOUBLE YIKES! Unlike previous Women Tell All Eps, there was NO question of "are you in love" or "are you engaged" to Arie (WEIRD) and Arie did NOT seem excited. Yiiiiiiikes, man!!
actual photo of Chelsea at Women Tell All

Then Monday we had the Fantasy Suite date aka, 3 Humps in 3 Nights (and if that title doesn't get used to an upcoming movie starring Zac Efron there is NO justice in this world).  Arie and his remaining trio (Quirky Kendall, Corny Becca, Boring Lauren) head to PERU for SEX (and wine, tourist activities).  

Arie starts the episode saying that he's excited to get to know the women "on a whole new level" and that level is DICK LEVEL. 

Kendall is up first and she  looks like an extra from 21 Jump Street with her plaid shirt tied around the waist and jeans.  She and Arie meet in the desert and cruise around in a dune buggy, much like that classic 1990s song but Presidents of the United States of America! 

They attempt to have a picnic in the desert and eat food coated in sand as they discuss the fact that there are STILL issues they need to discuss and honestly, at this point, it feels like it's just too late for all that. That night Kendall rocks a red jumpsuit that I LOVE and Arie pours his pasty, Silly Putty-like body into dark suit so that they can eat seafood and talk.  Kendall makes a point that I REALLY relate to, which is that she often suspects that men date her as a novelty--she's quirky! Plays ukulele! Likes taxidermy! Isn't this fun and interesting but not sustainable? I REALLY related to that--plenty of guys are curious about standup, want to learn about comedy, but don't see me as a viable option for a partner, I don't think.  So Kendall, I get you, girl.  And I also love your liquid liner cat eye. 

Arie pulls the fantasy suite date card from beneath a table runner (DID YOU SEE THAT? It was like a magic trick OF DICK) and Kendall agrees to "forego her individual room" so they had up to the fantasy suite where Arie JUMPS on the bed like he's back at a USC sorority house (apparently he has gotten AROUND the sororities of SoCal universities) and it's lights out. 

The next morning they cuddle as the cameraman gets footage of their clothing strewn on the floor (ARE YOU PICKING UP WHAT HE IS PUTTING DOWN, BACHELOR NATION?), eat some eggs, then Arie needs to zip off to sex date #2. 

Up next is Snooze Lauren and she's rocking an off-the-shoulder, chambray peasant blouse that Bekah also owns.  Arie meets her at an airport and stands in front of a plane as Lauren enters, prompting Lauren to remark, "there's a plane behind you" and GOOD LORD LAUREN, that's almost as bad as the time when you called an Italian piazza, "so Italian." They hop in a plane and go look at the Nazca Lines as they sit in silence.  Later they sit at a table and Lauren says "like" every other word but manages to communicate that she is VERY nervous that she'll end up getting her heart broken and GIRL you have GOT to accept that possibility and get over it. I mean, IN LIFE there are no guarantees! Sure, your heart might get broken sometime.  Hell, you might get hit by a bus! You might lose your phone! Your colorist might royally fuck up your hair--ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN! You gotta roll with it (baby). 

I truly think that she's playing up the whole "I put up walls because I'm scared I will get hurt" because she knows that she's profoundly uninteresting.  Sure, she's cute and dresses well, but there's no there there, so she HAS to claim that she has clammed up due to nerves--is she REALLY going to admit that she doesn't have many interests and knows very little about life and the world? 

That night over dinner, Lauren thanks Arie for being so patient and supportive and I suppose he has been, but he seems annoyed that instead of getting to know Lauren (bad news, bro--there isn't much to know), he has spent these weeks and months reassuring her. That shit gets tiresome.  Pre-fantasty suite, Arie straight up says "I love you" to Lauren which is pretty unprecedented.  Historically, the Bachelor or Bachelorette has NOT been "allowed" to drop the L-bomb to any contestant.  He or she has only been like, "I appreciate that" when a contestant has opted to drop the L-bomb him or  herself.  Also, yes, I just referred to myself as a Bachelor historian and it's v. sad. 

They head to a candlelit hump den and, presumably, test drive the 'ole car before they buy it.  The next morning Arie is wearing AN ABOMINATION of an outfit--black shorts, white T-shirt, BLACK SOCKS PULLED UP TO HIS CALVES AND BLACK SNEAKERS!? Lauren sees it and STILL kisses him, says she loves him. Get some self-respect, girl. 

Finally it's time for Becca--the 3rd lady in this sex hattrick, so we shall call her "Sloppy Thirds" even though she is my favorite of the 3.  They meet up by a boat and throughout their day of boating, laughing, and seal spotting, Becca is eager and enthusiastic while Arie seems a bit distant--or maybe that's just Arie being Arie?  That evening they clean up (Becca's rocking a crushed velvet 90s look and I dig it) to cuddle and drink in a SUPER COOL tent (great work, Bachelor powers-that-bee) where Becca says "I love you" to Arie AND HE RECIPROCATES!! OK, so now he's both sexing AND L-bomb dropping with 2 women in 2 nights.  Yikes.  

Becca and Arie's "fantasy suite" is a cute tent erected in the sand dunes and it's cute but I bet it gets HOT in there once the hump down starts, ya know? 

The next morning, Arie somehow acquires a tray of breakfast food and they enjoy a lovey-dovey post-sex brunch outside.  

Everyone heads back to the hotel and who appears but ROSS, Becca's ex-BF who is on a mission and also EXTREMELY HOT.  Ummm, yo, how about ROSS for next Bachelor?  

ummmm hi 
BUT I will say one thing.  Despite the fact that Ross is HOT and stocky (my kryptonite), it's a pretty creepy move to fly to Peru, drive 5 hours, and insist that a proposal of marriage is "yours" to give her. Dude, Becca doesn't owe you shit--nothing of HERS is at all YOURS.  She's allowed to do whatever she wants.  But call me, OK, Ross?

So yes, I'm sure you heard, Ross rolled up to their hotel and talked to Arie as if Becca was a possession of his, then talked to Becca and stupidly thought that she'd LOVE this BIG gesture and run away with him.  Props to Becca for rolling her eyes at Ross and telling him that life isn't "The Notebook." Boy, bye. 

Somehow, seeing her stocky, sex ex drove Becca back into the lanky, undefined arms of Pasty Snooze Arie and before we knew it, we were ready for a rose ceremony. 

Becca is in a whiteish flowy dress with a SUPER low cut v neck thing, hair to the side; Lauren is in a red dress that makes her look like a young senator's wife; Kendall's in a regrettable black dress with patterned top, flowy bottom.  They line up to learn their fate and Arie asks Kendall if he can chat with her. We all know what THIS one means--bye bye, Ukulele Player.  Arie and Kendall talk and she totally gets it--she's sad but she's also not ready to marry him, so girl has gotta go.  They have a sweet, tearful goodbye and Kendall leaves.  

Arie goes through with the rose ceremony, handing Lauren the first rose (because she constantly needs reassurance so would probably have a breakdown if she were given the 2nd rose out of 2) and Becca the second.  

Next week is the LIVE finale and if you have heard the rumors, shit gets MESSY.  I can't wait! 

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