Thursday, March 8, 2018

Bachelor Arie: Finale Nightmare

OK, lovebugs--by now, all of Bachelor Nation and all of our great nation (well, not great right now, but our great nation circa 2010 or so), know what happened on Monday and Tuesday nights.  Rather than recap it (because I only watched/read transcripts of the Monday night episode because my On Demand is overstuffed and I had plans on Monday blah blah blah), I am going to share my thoughts on everything.  MY THOUGHTS! I KNOW!! Can you handle it?  Here we go....

OK, so first off, Pasty Snooze Arie pulled a Full Mesnick (that is, previous Bachelor idiot flip flopper  Jason Mesnick) and proposed to one girl THEN decided that he changed his mind and wanted the other girl.  Oh man.  That is truly THE WORST thing that could happen. This maneuver is crummier than back in 2007 when Bachelor Brad Womack PICKED NEITHER WOMAN. It's worse than Juan Pablo's God awful season that ended with him telling Clare that he enjoyed fucking her and then telling Nikki that instead of proposing, he'd like to just keep dating.  Arie has secured his place as both the most hated Bachelor of all time, and the most hated man in America and I'm glad that the USA is finally WAKING UP!

So in the beautiful garden and in the official finale, Arie proposed to Becca and sent Lauren home, heartbroken.  He and Becca were engaged for 6 weeks and when he decided that he wasn't feeling it anymore (but didn't reveal that to Becca),  he asked Becca if it would be OK for him to call Lauren to "get some closure," but what he actually got was a new girlfriend lined up.  In Monday and Tuesday's episodes, Arie attempted to play it off like he was evasive to Becca for her own sake, out of consideration for her, because he wanted to be TOTALLY SURE that he was going to call it off, but that's bullshit. He wanted to be TOTALLY SURE that he had another option lined up, and, shockingly enough, HE DID!  He called Lauren and they talked it out (with the cameras OFF, which is NOT the same respect he gave Becca--SHE got dumped ON CAMERA and he would NOT leave when she asked him to THREE TIMES) and then once he felt SURE that Lauren would take him back, only THEN did he drop Becca.  Fuck off, guy.

I read the transcript of the Becca/Arie breakup (as I mentioned above, it was a rough week with me and Time Warner Cable) and HOLY SHIT he is such a monster.  First off, he didn't really even SAY that he was calling off their engagement--he really made Becca crack that case, which is unconscionable.  Don't make the woman who you are dumping do the emotional labor WHEN YOU ARE DUMPING HER.  Second, she asked him to leave THREE TIMES and he did NOT leave because he wanted to clear his conscience and "talk it out" so that he didn't feel like a total cad.  YOU ARE A TOTAL CAD, PASTY SNOOZE!! Becca is NOT here to stroke your anxious conscience and tell you that you're "not a bad guy." YOU ARE A BAD GUY and the onus is not on Becca to make you feel less bad.  Fuck YOU.

Hoooo boy HERE WE GO!! God can you imagine if I wrote this recap on Monday while it was fresh? I would have punched my keyboard!

OK so then in Monday's episode of After the Final Rose, Chris Harrison (who I will love forever, even when he says corny ass shit about "haters" and how they are, always, gonna hate) is there and eager to chat with Becca's crew: Bekah (Baby Rizzo rocking white mosquito netting as a dress, plus a bright white bra and some dangly earrings that make her look like a 12-year-old who was JUST permitted to wear "danglies'), Caroline (former Miss Massachusetts gorgeous brunette in a LOVELY green dress), Tia (my razorback rad chick who pulled NO punches while rocking a white romper and hot, bright pink heels), Sienne (who was dropping some HARSH truths about Arie and I am HERE FOR IT--also she looked beautiful in her blush getup), and Kendall (who is def NOT really pals with that crew but needed to be there for diversity--she was the ONLY blonde).  That crew joined Chris Harrison onstage and referred to Arie as a master manipulator, a flip flopper, a liar, and--essentially--a psychopath.  ALL OF THIS WAS SAID WITH HIS PARENTS AND LAUREN'S PARENTS IN THE AUDIENCE and I looooove it.  As they say on the internet, draaaaag hiiiiiim.

After that girl gang dropped some truth bombs, Becca came out looking like a fierce disco diva: gold, plastic-looking dress (yezzzzz), perfect gold jewelry, hair sorta to one side, teeth FRESHLY bleached, smokey eye.  The DREAM look when you are going to run into your dumb fuck ex. 

I must admit that, for a change of pace, I just WATCHED and I didn't take notes.  It was a first--truly.  I wanted to watch The Bachelor like a regular humanoid whose life isn't hijacked by a blog every 4 months, ya know?  Because of that, my recollection isn't perfect, but I remember Becca saying that she's doing well, all things considered, she's moving forward, and that she understands it--if Arie isn't 100% about her, she doens't WANT to force him to be with her! 

Then Arie comes out and he looks even thinner and clammier than he always does, which is quite remarkable.  He and Becca have a stilted conversation and you can tell that his prepared talking points (I reached out to Lauren and didn't tell you because I didn't want to ruin your world until I was TOTALLY sure that I had some rebound puss) didn't quite add up.  Blech. 

Then Becca left and, I hope, went into a soundproof padded room with wine, because who came out next but Lauren, looking like she's wearing hair extensions that are in a semi-unflattering blonde.  Look, I don't mean to hate on Lauren and I shouldn't.  Also I LOVE that the first thing that Bekah, Caroline, Tai, and crew said was that they LOVE Lauren and this isn't about Lauren--it's about trashbag Arie.  AMEN!! 

But we can't ignore the fact that in these ensuing few months, Lauren STILL has not located a personality. Chris Harrison literally said something about wanting to know what was going through her head and she responded, "I don't know." I mean, COME ON!!

Lauren and Arie talked about how they are in love, they are going into hiding (ha), and never checking social media ever again (good luck with that--at the rate we're going, soon my twitter feed will be beamed OUT MY EYEBALLS #blessed), then Arie did the most motherfucking Arie thing EVER and he PROPOSED TO LAUREN ON TV. 

OK, dude.  I get that maybe you wanted to make it official, to give Lauren the TV proposal that you wish you had given her back in Peru, but maybe maaaaaybe, this time around, just take a beat, step back, and keep something just for you two.  You're headed to Europe to live in an underground bunker?  Propose there! 

Oh also, they said something about how all of the haters and all of this ire from Bachelor Nation has brought them closer and I screamed because asshole couples ALWAYS say that everyone hating them makes them more in love.  Of course they say that! What else are they going to say?

They disappear (thankfully), then Becca comes out because SHE IS THE NEW  BACHELORETTE AND HER SEASON STARTS RIGHT FRIGGIN' NOW!!!

Ok, another aside.  I get that ABC likes to do this and they pull people RIGHT into her season and it's a smart marketing ploy BUT, I just feel like it showcases a complete lack of boundaries and it always happens to THE BACHELORETTE and NOT THE BACHELOR.  They did this with Rachel Lindsey.  They did NOT do this with Arie (well, because he was a 2nd string casting choice at a random moment, but still) but they did it with Becca and honestly, I think it just asks a LOT of the woman to face her ex-BF, see him pleased as punch with his fiancee, then DIVE INTO DATING!!  Especially because Becca ended up sitting side saddle on a g-d horse.  I mean, what else are you going to throw at her tonight, Chris?  A PIE???

The stage hands set up the Bachelor mansion exterior in the studio and before you know it, Becca is greeting random jags who think they're funny.  I DID take a few notes on this part.  We met...

-British HOTTIE in a bow tie who was JACKED and I'm excited to see more of, though I missed his name somehow.  He called Arie a "wanker" and I can only pray that Arie's entire family was made to watch that, though I sorta doubt it.
-Chase - white dude, dark hair, sorta rubbed me the wrong way immediately
-Brian - a banjo-playing white guy who seems like a male Kendall and I hate him already--sorry, friends!
-Darius - black guy in a dark suite and blue shirt who was hot, but a lil inappropriate.  Did you all hear when he pointed at her and goes, "that's for me?" Ummm NO, no, it's not "for you" and "that" has a name.
-Blake - handsome white guy who was VERY smiley (don't love that) with his horse Bradley.

What did you think of the season, dear lovebugs? Hate it? Love it? Are you excited for Becca to be the new Bachelorette? I think she will be AMAZING and I'm rooting for her--as long as she promises to stop exclaiming "let's do the damn thing" every 10 seconds.