Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Bachelorette Desiree: And Then There Were Three (Recap)

Last night, Chris Harrison FINALLY stopped his lying, boy-who-cried-wolf ways and we experienced something that was truly UNPRECEDENTED in Bachelorette/Bachelor franchise history.  What happened?  You'll soon find out, sweet pussycat.

The episode started off with Desiree at the bow of a boat sailing around Antigua with her voiceover blathering on about the fairy tale angle.  Yeah, that fairy tale where producers pull strings and force emotions and all of America watches and cringes--you know that 'ole story!  A classic just like Beauty & the Beast (or wait... is Desiree's fairy tale that one? Cause I gotta say Brooks is completely NON-hot).  Desiree super casually name-drops the exact name of the Antiguan resort, then walks to the dock where she appears to read a Bible.  We see a montage of Desiree's history with the three remaining suitors (because apparently ABC doesn't trust Americans to retain ANYTHING from the last 9 weeks of episodes).  The run-down is pretty much:

CHRIS: Des likes his nice body and poetry and says "I love his awkwardness."  Not the most "hot for you" thing to say about a potential mate.
DREW: His body is frigging INSANE.  Dude has a friggin' 10-12 pack and a face like an extra from "Happy Days" plus he's super sweet with his developmentally disabled sister. IT'S ALMOST TOO MUCH!
BROOKS: They don't grow 'em more witholding and seemingly disinterested than Brooks.  To add insult to injury (or whatever), dude speaks in a whisper.  Blech.  

The first 1:1 date in Antigua is with Drew and he admits that he "didn't even know this place existed!" Oh, do they not cover Caribbean geography in your 1950s high school?  Just a whole lotta pep rallys and homecoming dances there, Drew?  Des & Drew (or as I call 'em: D&D--shitty dynamite) hop in an open top Jeep (and Des tells Drew that he has to drive because Desiree's lady brain would probably get them lots on the island, right?) and drive to a "festival" (which looked a lot like a bunch of paid extras, random crew members, and some local junk merchants) where they shop, awkwardly limbo, and enjoy steel drum music.  Then they head to a cliff where they eat pineapple and Drew says that the day Desiree met his family was the happiest day of his life (wowza--dude--THAT was the happiest day of your life?  Umm... have you never left your hometown with two middle fingers in the air while reciting the lyrics to Pearl Jam's "Leash"?  Just me? I guess that Drew and I have different definitions of happiness).

That night, their romantic, beachside dinner is rained out, but that doesn't stop them from a quick, rainy make out, just like that song from Billie Myers (1997, what what!) and while D and D play tonsil hockey (NO PADS OR HELMETS! HUH?), the producers scramble to set up a romantic Plan B setting.  Apparently,  to the set designers at Bach Headquarters "romance" means a whole lotta bright throw pillows and table runners.  Desiree and Drew chat by candle light and Drew says that he's ready to propose.  D&D both play their roles in the predictable tradition of the legendary FANTASY SUITE NOTE (ostensibly from Chris Harrison, which is pretty damn creepy) with the standard language "should you choose to forego your individual rooms blah blah blah fantasy suite."  Both act surprised and intrigued by this prospect (despite the fact that they could have recited that text without so much as opening the envelope) and retire to the bedroom, where Drew says, "all right guys, time to leave," and we're reminded that their make-out sessions are witnessed and taped by a crew of people.

Meanwhile, Brooks is whispering (the only way he knows how to talk--LEARN SOME ALEXANDER TECHNIQUE BEFOR YOU RUIN YOUR VOICE, KID!) about how he's not quite ready to tell Des that he loves her and he feels torn.  He flies to Boise, Idaho where his family owns yet ANOTHER McMansion, and talks to his mom and sister about his mixed feelings.  Brooks explains that he's uncomfortable with the idea of proposing to her and mom/sister push him to end things completely.  They both seem pleased that he's not going through with it.  So off he flies to Antigua to dump a girl on television (and you thought it was a schlep to travel to a local bar and dump your ex!).

But first, Chris and Desiree have a 1:1 date and Des makes the greatest fashion faux pas of the season (and perhaps her life).  Words won't do this justice, so I captured the monstrosity on my phone for you, dear readers.

Now, to play devil's advocate for a moment (although I LOATHE people who play Devil's advocate generally.  They're just argumentative contrarians who want to prove you wrong), perhaps Des got a little overexcited about her tropical getaway and bought this fringed vest there on location.  I did that once in Vegas (because you can pack your skimpiest dresses for a trip to Vegas, but you get there and suddenly the dress that was sexy at home looks like a nun's habit under the bright lights of the Vegas strip) when I bought a SUPER SLINKY dress (by Vegas standards, which means it's little more than a bikini to be worn out at night) from bebe that I have worn a grand total of once (that time in Vegas).  So perhaps that's what Desiree went through with this vest.  Either way, it's hella busted.

Des and Chris have a fun date, despite her tragic vest.  They make out on the beach ("From Here to Eternity" style), swim, stand on some rocks, write their names in the sand, and Chris describes his love for Des using Savage Garden lyrics.  That night, they have a romantic dinner and talk about their future while some loud, high pitched shrieks happen in the background (local animals? kids on swings for hours? crying dogs?).  Des asks about where they'd live at the end of all this and Chris manages to sound flexible while essentially saying that in the future he'll be staying in Seattle, thank you very much.  Then the fantasy suite card appears with its standard text and Chris says that he'd love to watch the stars with Des (that aint the only thing you'll be watching HAAAAAAAY!), so they retire to said suite.  The suite is decorated with a lot of candles and familiar looking pillows (that are probably covered in Drew's DNA from the previous night).  Chris breaks out a fresh poem (OF COURSE) about how he's excited for forever with Des.  Soon they're back in their swimsuits, making out poolside while that damn squeaking noise drones on.  ROMANCE!

Finally, it's the day that WE know will be the day of reckoning, but Des does not.  Poor girl is just rocking some white jean shorts, a belly top, and a big grin.  Oh gurl, as my viewing pal Julia Johns (@juliaguli8) said "your belly AND your heart are about to be exposed."  Aww snap! Truth!  But before Brooks can crush Desiree's dreams, he's gotta get through a round of conversation with armchair therapist Chris Harrison.

Brooks and Chris sit down and Chris pulls out all the stops: are you SURE that you're not in love?  Do you think that some alone time in the fantasy suite would give you a chance to ask any outstanding questions you might have?  Have you ever been in love before?  Brooks answers the questions with his patented bizarre perspective and whisper talk.  He says that his head tells him that this is the end with Desiree, but his heart doesn't (huh?).  He says that knows how love feels and to him it feels like pain and vulnerability (huh?) and that's not how he feels with Des.  And he drops the line that everyone in the world is tired of: "I love her, but I'm not IN LOVE with her."  Oh shut up.  Did you hear that line in a romantic comedy and tuck it away for when you might need it?  Because it's moronic.

Finally, Desiree and Brooks meet up and girl is GLOWING.  Brooks is, understandably, freaking out and he immediately guides her to a bench at the end of a long dock (DON'T JUMP, DES! Brooks is a tool and not worth it.)  It's hard to watch her go from ELATED to see him, to confused about what is going on, to heartbroken.  If Desiree's psychotic, tatted-up brother were there, Brooks would have been beaten to a bloody pulp within moments. Brooks draws it out and talks in circles like the chickenshit pussface that he is.  Poor Des sits there and listens, like an inverse poor man's Katie Holmes (cause ya know how Katie pulled some NINJA moves to drop her alien  husband T. Cruise).  Finally, she curls up in a ball and starts crying HARD, asks him, "why now?" and then says, "I don't care that you just broke my heart--I love you." Oh girl.  Don't tell this guy ANYTHING good.  Just WALK AWAY.  They sit on the bench and marinate on things for FAR too long.  (If I were Des, I'd be like, "I wasted the cutest daytime outfit of the whole episode on THIS?  You can hardly even see my sick abs cause I'm curled up in this ball of heartbreak!")  Finally, they get up so that Brooks can go back to his freakishly large family in Utah.  They hug in the driveway and Brooks tries to console Desiree, but as I learned with my ex from 2008 (whose "career" is something I check on occasionally to make sure it's still there, stalled at the side of the road), HE can't help you get over HIM.  Walk away.  FINALLY Desiree does and Brooks does, too.  He has an emotional tantrum in the jungle and Des sits on the end of the dock and bawls.

AND THAT IS WHERE THEY LEFT US.  I gotta hand it to Chris Harrison: that shiz was UNPRECEDENTED!  Next week we have another great performance by Desiree's waterproof mascara and everyone's favorite unlicensed shrink, Chris Harrison.

Des, this one's for you:

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Bachelorette Desiree: Men Tell All Recap

Monday night was the standard episode that is always "Bachelor Nation's FAVORITE episode" (if you believe Chris Harrison) or "an episode that is usually pretty fun" (if you believe everyone else in the world): THE MEN TELL ALL!

As a (less than) proud member of Bachelor Nation (#TheWorst), I tuned in to see if the "Tell All" episode was like every "Tell All" episode before it and yes, it was, in that every guy was tan, trim, and well-coiffed; there were some not-so-familiar faces (even Chunky Swayze zinged Jonathan for being one of those forgettable losers); and some smug mugs that we'd rather forget (sociopath father Ben, to be specific).

But the REAL winner in last night's episode?  The overly expressive audience.  Those ladies were working HARD for their $100 extra stipend and flexing those facial muscles with wild abandon.  They captured every expression: disappointment (at James' "explanation" of why he's not ashamed to be a fame whore), shock (at Ben's insistence that he was "sooo judged!"), and elated (at every G-D word out of Juan Pablo's mouth).  Check out this lady below, she is noooot believing a word she is hearing!!

And look at these gals below: the one on the left is about to sneeze (an allergic reaction to how much Zak W. suuuucks and is a corny assed cheesedick) and the one on the right is a spooky psychopath who knows that Ben's baby mama bumped into Dan (I know, who the EFF is THAT guy? Oh, the one who looks like a Ken doll with dark hair and works in beverage distribution? WHATEVZZZZ!!) in Vegas and spilled mad beans about the fact that Ben had a friggity whack girlfriend when he got the baby mama pregnant! Snaaaaaap! 

But seriously, folks (OMG don't you hate it when old timey standups use that as a transitional phrase? I DO!), there was some drama last night and, as usual, Chris Harrison had some fantastic punchlines. 

At the start of the episode, Desiree and Chris crashed some Bachelor viewing parties and we learned an important lesson: that EVERYONE in America watches The Bachelorette while drinking wine out of extra large goblets that look like props from Cougartown (SUCH an underrated show!).  For their NYC-based party crashing they were joined by Bach alums Ashley and JP, Jason and Molly (and their baby), and Trista.  What a community that Bachelor franchise is!  It's like the least exclusive Country Club in America.  Desiree says that she loves seeing that all of these people are watching the show and "rooting for her."  Oh gurl, we're not rooting for you so much as laughing at the idiotic dudes.  

Then Desiree sits down for some girl talk (and period-synching) with her BFFs Ashley, Ali, and Emily.  Because being on The Bach is like joining Scientology: YOU MAY ONLY BE FRIENDS WITH FELLOW BELIEVERS!!  Ali's hair looks grey (get some warmer tones in your weave, gurl), Emily's hair is sweet perfection (of course), and Ashley barely says a word (and has brown hair, poor thing).  

Finally, it's time to trot out the rejects and hope that America remembers them/gives a rat's ass.  Who's in the studio?  

Robert (spin sign inventor/tool), Dan (dark haired Ken doll who apparently roams around Vegas talking to the exes of other Bach rejects), Nick (has a mole and that's all she wrote), Brad (had a kid and a restraining order taken out on him BUT JUST GIVE HIM A CHANCE!), Jonathan (lawyer who was super drunk and creepy on that first night), Bryden (Iraq War vet who doesn't look as hot as he seemed before), Brandon (guy who was really intense and had major family problems--but his hair is longer now!), Will (Chicago banker who should link up with Mikey and James for some Bach Chicagoland domination), Zack K. (Chuck Taylors), James (The Don), Ben (a father and a Christian who never called his son during the show and didn't attend church on Easter--I've been listening to too much Chunky Swayze and it's turning me all LAWYERY!), Mikey T. (who looks HOT and is wearing NO SOCKS!), Juan Pablo (who has a cheering section in the audience), Kasey (#OMGIhateyou), Michael G. (Chunky Swayze who seems to have grown bushier eyebrows while recovering from his broken heart), and Zak W. (whose entire existence feels like a joke).  

Everyone in the studio watches a montage of clips that summarize the season: James saying "F you" to a line-up of guys ("spraying the room" as Chris Harrison put it), Ben being creepy and lying to every guy while wearing a ridiculous tank top, Zak being overly bronzed and shirtless, general smack-talk.  There is nothing more enjoyable than witnessing a guy call another guy a "piece of shit" in a montage that they are both watching while seated right near each other.  It's truly delightful.  

Bryan (the guy who isn't even very hot and had a girlfriend while he was on the show) opted not to attend the taping, so the guys run roughshod over him and Chris Harrison encourages it.  Awesome. 

Ben is the first guy to get in the hot seat and Chris says that things started off so well (when he first emerged from the limo with his sweet son), but then "after night 1, everything went downhill."  I love that Chris said, in so many words, that the minute Ben opened his mouth, he was doomed.  TRUTH!  Ben says that it was really hard for him to watch his "girlfriend" date other men (umm... that's a shared experience by everyone in the house, moron--you're NOT special) and that he feels judged.  Maybe because you judged ALL of the other guys as unworthy of your friendship or respect on day 1, Ben.  Ben bangs the drum of being a good father and Zak shuts him up by saying that Ben NEVER mentioned his son, while Juan Pablo mentioned his daughter all the time.  SHUT IT, Dixieland American Psycho!  

Up next, James (The Don) attempts to convince Bachelor Nation (I'm trapped within its grasp!) that he really cared about Desiree, despite the fact that I bet if you asked him for his favorite thing about her, he's say, "ummmm... brown hair?"  Chris grills him about the alleged "If I make it to the top 4, I could be the next Bachelor" comment and he seems to blame Mikey for it (is there trouble within their sockless crew?).  Mikey chimes in and explains that they weren't plotting anything--they simply felt that Desiree liked other types of guys better (seems to be true) and they were accepting that perhaps she didn't like them, and what would come next.  Mikey explains himself well and James continues to look like a scheming a-hole.  This was when we saw some SHOCKED faces from the crowd.  (Ladies in the audience: you're SHOCKED that two jacked, conventionally handsome guys are insufferable jerks? Have you ever been to a bar on a Saturday night?)

Then Juan Pablo gets in the hot seat where he charms the pants off of America (ferreal) with his friendly demeanor, confidence, and good looks.  Do I smell an international soccer star Bachelor up next?  

Then, it's the moment that none of us have been waiting for: Zak W's time in the hot seat.  He looks exhausted and like he has been clocking extra hours at the spray tan salon.  But I'll admit, he makes some very relatable, heart-wrenching comments about being single when most of your peer group is not.  Come on Zak--don't make me feel bad about mercilessly mocking you for all these weeks!  It's what I DO! 

Finally, Desiree comes out in a cute, gold dress and faces her reject harem.  Chris Harrison asks her if she had any "nerves" and she says no, she had anxiety about this event. GURL. Those are the same thing. You are an idiot, but that dress DOES look great on you.  Chris makes a comment about "bad boys" to which Des replies, "whatcha gonna do?" and Chris gives her NOTHING because he's NOT a fan of Inner Circle (yes, that's the name of the wordsmith's who crafted those genius lyrics) or outdated jokes.  A flood of apologies commence: Jonathan apologizes for being a creep on the first night; Chunky Swayze admits that he played the lawyer card too intensely.  Desiree says that James manipulated her and James make a comment that effectively breaks the first rule of Reality TV Club: don't talk about reality TV club!  Juan Pablo asks her why he never got a 1:1 date and then winks at her (#swoon #NoSnark #ICanBeGenuineOccasionally).  And what episode would be complete without Zak making an ass of himself?  He says, "I think I have something to say..." then pulls out his guitar and plays a song he wrote. Oh Zak, you were the guy who knew Dave Matthews Band songs on the guitar in college, weren't you?  The guy who was like, "ladies LOVE it when I sing to them" while everyone was actually mocking you privately.  Have your swan song and get back to the oil fields, buddy. 

And before we knew it (120 long minutes later), the episode was over with Chris Harrison's promise that next week will be the MOST emotionally intense Bachelorette finale EVER!  I can't decide if the producers are messing with us (and making it seem like something goes VERY wrong at the end) or if it's just tricky editing and things will play out in a pretty standard way (with Des rejecting the first guy to arrive at the proposal site then, choosing the most boring guy--likely Brooks--and breaking up with him within months, then entering into a life of D list "celebrity" status).  We'll find out soon!   

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Bachelorette Desiree: Episode 8 Recap


I have been a real jerk lately, I know.  I had a string of a whole lotta shows then I went upstate on vacation and somehow my beloved Bach recaps got lost in the fray.  I'm sorry, sweet pussycats.  (But in lighter news, my vacation was DOPE and I drank dollar beers in a VFW hall where the only rules are: yes, you can smoke indoors, but no, you cannot drop the F bomb. Cool by me!)  It's especially bad timing right now, when we're in the home stretch!  But I'm finally all caught up and ready to talk smack and make metaphors-a-plenty.

First off, Chunky Swayze had a tearful goodbye in the close of the episode before last.  I was sad to see him go, but he and Des never seemed to have a romantic connection, ya know?  And when your first 1:1 date is in the final 5, you just haven't laid enough groundwork for this TV relationship to thrive.  (My vast knowledge of Bach timing and development is both inspiring and pathetic.)

So on Monday's episode, we were down to 4 suitors remaining: Zak (SWEET LORD, WHEN WILL THIS ELABORATE JOKE END?), Drew (they grow 'em real clean cut and earnest in Scottsdale), Chris (he writes lame poetry but he used to play pro ball, so his coolness factor is back to 0), and Brooks (who needs to speak like a grown adult).  Desiree is ready to criss-cross the country like a 90s child rap group wearing jeans backwards cause it's "HOMETOWNS."  Does anyone else find it gross that "Hometowns" has entered the popular vernacular and it always means Bachelor franchise-related hometown visits? I love to hate this show, but nonetheless: barf.

Desiree's first trip is to Dallas, TX where Zak, his abs, and his family's shaved iced business is located (you can't make this stuff up).  Zak says, "if people think I'm crazy--wait 'till they see my crazy family" and his family (aka Zak Attack) does not disappoint.  Before family time, Des and Zak meet up in a local gazebo (what would Bach DO without small town gazebos?), hop in the 'ole family shaved ice truck, and work a quick shift at a park.  Sweet date!  Chipping ice and handing it to screaming children while you (probably) don't even make minimum wage!  I keep getting taken on these dates that just involve free dinner, free drinks, and street-side kisses, but I just wish someone would dress up in a penguin suit and cart me around in a shaved ice truck!  Finally, Des and Zak head over to Zak's parents' McMansion (what would Bach DO without McMansions?) where they sit down for lunch with Zak's parents, sister Carly (nice hair, gurl!), and brother Denton.  After dinner, the family serenades Desiree with a song that Zak wrote (HOLY DUMB CHILLS!) with the lyrics, "Desiree, we can see your place in our family."  As if that isn't bad enough, Zak then takes Des into the backyard where he gives her a promise ring and drops the L bomb. Lawdy lawdy it was intense.  I'd like to share a saying (that I just thought of) with Zak: Sometimes when you pull out all the stops, you just get STOPPED.  (YOU'RE WELCOME, readers! Feel free to use that, but please mail me a dime every time you do.)

Next stop on this hometown visit thrill ride: Scottsdale, AZ to meet Drew's family.  Drew is looking hot and he meets Desiree, then they drive to his mentally handicapped sister's residence to pick her up for the visit. I may have a heart made of stone and a sharp tongue, but watching Drew talk about and interact with his sister Melissa had me in tears.  Later, Melissa's father referred to her as an angel and I was WEEPING (and it wasn't because of the white wine I was drinking and PMS I was experiencing--and am still experiencing, UNIVERSE!).  Melissa swatted at Desiree's hair, which cracked me up ("she likes hair" -Drew) then the trio drove to Drew's mother's house to meet up with Drew's dad Mal, mom Linda, stepfather, sister, her husband, and brother Mal (that family sure loves the name Mal, huh? Did they invent Malware? That joke's for you, NERDS!).  Drew's mother's house was decorated in a style that you might call "Dream Catcher Overload" but she seems lovely.  Both of Drew's parents love Desiree and think she's very down-to-earth and real (which she truly seems) and Drew tells them that he wants to marry her.  That night after dinner, Des and Drew make-out in the driveway (sweet, suburban times) and he tells her that he loves her three times.  A hattrick of unrequited admissions of love!

But the High Hopes Express has gotta chug along and the next stop is McMinnville, Oregon where Chris grew up and still gets his snots pulled out by his father.  But before Chris's father can give his son a "nose adjustment" (looks more like pulling snot like you do on a baby, but you can call it whatever you like) and adjust Desiree's back, there's softball to be played and softball-themed puns to be made!  Desiree and Chris suit up in baseball shirts, hats, and eye black (which was REALLY important cause the day was grey and overcast) then bat at a ball while repeatedly saying things like, "you're a catch!" and "Chris is stealing my heart." I couldn't keep up with all of them over the sound/movement of dousing my own eyeballs with Sriracha, but you get the gist.  Chris's mother rocks a pretty bold, stacked bob and spills the beans that Chris was hoping Desiree would be the bachelorette.  As I told my pal Emily when she shared a little too much information with a certain tattooed, HOT bartender who I went out with a few times, "Don't be spilling my BEANS, yo!"  Desiree continues her tour of driveway make-outs and after they kiss, Chris says that nobody could be more connected than they are.  Oh Chris, you are a video editor's dream with that comment because who's up next...

BROOKS!  The Salt Lake City, UT native (read: Mormon) who Desiree straight-up says she LOVES.  Yowza!  Are the editors making it seem like Brooks is a shoe-in just to throw us off the trail that probably leads to Chris or Drew?  It seems a little early for Desiree to be that candid, but who knows in this topsy-turvy Bach world.  Desiree and Brooks meet up in a park (and it's like, "thanks a ton for preserving these public green spaces, Frederick Law Olmsted," right?) where Des shares a tally of her favorite Brooks dates and memories.  Brooks is undoubtedly he most hesitant of all the guys and I fear that emotionally unavailability is what's pulling in Desiree (take it from a girl who LOVES emotionally unavailable dudes--they're the tops!  Unless you want to feel like a human who deserves to have feelings!).  Brooks's family is HUGE and wearing name tags.  At dinner, Brooks talks about Desiree as though she's not even in the room.  After dinner, Brooks's brothers (no relation to the preppy store--BOOMTOWN!) grill him with questions about Desiree, including "can she hang with you?" (yeah, I think she can whisper talk and be effeminate REAL well) and the bizarre, "if she was gone, would you want her back?"  Meanwhile, Brooks's mother talks to Desiree then reports back that it went just "OK" which felt odd.  I was having some flashbacks to Emily's season, when she ended up with Pompadour Prince/Robyn wannna-be, Jef.  I know that this big, happy family can seem SO enticing (especially when you come from a small family that is 1/4 psychopath brother--as Desiree's family is), but you KNOW that all that family closeness would feel suffocating eventually.  They kiss goodbye.

Then Desiree is back in LA and her tattooed brother Nate is coming for a visit.  Des says that she won't let Nate meet the guys just yet and in his typical mature, thoughtful, adult way, he says that he'd like to "get in their heads."  That evening, the 4 guys arrive for the rose ceremony and ratty Nate watches them from behind a pillar, looking more like a teenager stalking the lobby of his local hotel because he heard that his favorite band, Audioslave, was staying there.

Desiree sits down with Chris Harrison and says that she loves Brooks and is hoping for a proposal from him.  Yikes!  Again, I feel like the producers are manipulating us by pushing Brooks really hard but the winner will end up being Drew or Chris.  Time will tell.  In the meantime, we have a rooftop line-up to witness!

The four dudes are lined up, Desiree is in a cute, sparkly dress, and the tears are flowing before she has even had the chance to publicly ruin the life of a single guy!  What order did the roses come in?

BROOKS (either the producers are really pushing this storyline HARD or she genuinely, somehow likes this schmoe)
CHIS (she can look forward to a LIFETIME of snot removal at the hands of her father-in-law!)
and now it's between Drew and Zak... and if you think Zak is going to advance an INCH farther, I'd like for you to meet be behind the dumpster so that we can fistfight after school cause the rose goes to...
DREW!  (Hell yeah--he's hot, sweet, has a sick body, and Des can look forward to a lifetime of dream catchers on her walls!)

So finally, thank God, our long national nightmare of Zak as a viable Bachelorette contender is over.  Unlike all of America, Zak is shocked and upset.  Desiree cries and give Zak back his promise ring (which he later tosses out the window of the limousine cause it makes for good TV--I bet they had a PA there to catch it).  For how much I hated Zak all season, his final rejection limo ride gave me some sympathy for him.  He said that he had been in a slump and was sad to return to his life alone.  Aww buddy.  Lemme give ya two tips: (1) don't lead with your abs when it comes to courtship, and (2) never dress up in a penguin costume on a date.  Those two are on the house.  Good luck to ya, Zak.

Next week is the Men Tell All and I can't wait to get some updates on the rejects!  Are James and Mikey cashing in on their D list fame and slaying ladies together in Chicago?  Is Ben still a psychopath manipulator pretending to be a good, Christian man and father?  Is Bryden still using hair gel (I HOPE)?  Is Kasey still talking in hashtags and not getting women?  We'll find out on Monday!

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Bachelorette Desiree: Episode 7 Recap


I couldn't watch last night's episode in its entirety, as I had my own dating ritual to conduct (a lot like The Bachelorette, only in my version I hand out whiskey shots instead of roses and sadly, Chris Harrison doesn't hang out with me) but I caught the first half and it was chock full of Bach goodies!

Desiree and her 5 remaining beaus traveled to Madiera (an island off Portugal) and we kicked off the episode with images of the posse arriving in Madiera by boat.  The shots looked like a Ralph Lauren catalogue photo shoot (clean cut, preppy as hell, zero minorities) and there was a whole lotta shouting ("Hello!" "Madiera!" "I'm a tool!"(that last one is one I WISH they would yell)).

What's in store this week?  Three one-on-one dates and a two-on-one date, but without the usual elimination from the two-on-one.  As Desiree says, now it's about love and getting to know if one of these guys is a match for lifelong partnership.  Aint nobody got time for rejections mid-date anymore!

Desiree called in some of her supposed best friends to help her make some dude decisions and wouldn't you know it, her besties are all gals from last season of The Bachelor!  I guess that serving time as a crew of concubine cuties bonds you just as much as sorority pledging, because Desiree's "friends" are Catherine (Asian girl who won Sean's heart), Jackie (redhead from Sean's season who always looked great), and Lesley (blonde Arkansan from Sean's season).  Desiree talks about the guys, saying that Drew has the best body and is the best kisser (ummm... SHOW OVER.  I'm sorry, but those two items are good enough for me--wrap it up, kids--we have a winner) and that Zak is the most adventurous (ha--that's a nice way of saying he's an adult hyper hypo with ADD).  The women stare at the guys with binoculars (I love a good stalker move!) and yell at Brooks to take off his shirt.  Hell yeah, ladies!

The first 1:1 date is with Brooks and I have FINALLY put my finger on what I hate about him.  He comes off as quite effeminate and wimpy overall, but last night I realized the problem is his VOICE.  Lawdy lawdy could the guy speak in a tone that's a TOUGH higher than a friggin' whisper?  Brooks, is your real name Brooks or are you one of the Yin Yang Twins cause this is some whisper song shit going on here!  They do a driving trip during which they stand on the edge of a cliff (what, no metaphors about how falling in love is like falling off a cliff?) then drive up INTO the clouds so that they can break out every cloud-related analogy YOU HAVE EVER HEARD OF.  Lawdy lawdy it was like watching a game of Secret Password when you think the word is something about clouds.  They're on cloud 9!  Their relationship just broke through the clouds (whatever THAT means)!

That evening Desiree rocks a dope, metallic miniskirt (she may be a poor man's Katie Holmes cheeseball, but I'm willing to admit when she dresses well) and have a candelit dinner, during which she showcases the fact that she doesn't know what an adjective is.  Brooks says something about the adjectives between like and love (a bit odd, but whatever) and she then suggests the following words: stepping, skipping, jogging, running, finish line.  Errrrmmmm... wah!?!?  GIRL.  Did you not attend 6th grade?  (Probs no, since you say "times that" instead of "multiply that," but I digress).  Stepping, skipping, jogging, running--those are VERBS and to get a lil fancier, those are also gerunds.  (I love a good gerund, don't you?  My fave is probably "dangling" since it's a gerund about what modifiers do--HEYO!)  The last item in your list, Desiree, "finish line" is not a verb OR an adjective, but rather a noun.  Please try to be consistent in your idiocy, if nothing else.  Brooks appeared supremely confused by her ignorance of adjectives, but that didn't stop him from saying he'd love to bring her home to meet the parents.  Nice.

Up next is a 1:1 with Chris and the pair board a dope yacht where they strip down to swimsuits and rub sunblock on each other (apparently people actually DO that when trying to be sexy--I always thought it was an urban legend... well, not urban really--a beach legend.  Whatever--I'm saying that stuff like that only happens in 80s teen movies.)

That's where I had to jet to do my make-up, so I'll write the rest of this recap very soon. I love you, sweet jazzy cats!!

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Bachelorette Desiree: Episode 6 Recap

As usual, I'm late with this recap.  I was performing at ALA in Chicago over the weekend (that's a conference hosted by the American Library Association and it RULZ) then had a gig Monday night, blah blah blah.  So my recap is late once again.  Someday I'll get it together, I promise, sweet pussycat.

What went down in episode 6 of The Bachelorette?  The standard fare that we have come to expect from this crew: Michael getting wicked lawyery, James (The Don) expelling water from his body in the form of a whole lotta tears and sweat, and Juan Pablo reminding us why the hell he's here (because he's a professional soccer player).

The crew headed to Barcelona, Spain (and based on Drew's pronunciation of whatever Spanish word means "small, street band," you KNOW that he's one of those jags who pronounces it "BarTHHHHElona."  What do I say to that? BARFelona--heeeyo! I'm the worst!).  Chris Harrison informs them of the week's activities: two 1:1 dates and a group date with roses up for grabs on all date and NO COCKTAIL PARTY (that's like WASP hell!), so there's no time for 11th hour pleas to Desiree.

The first 1:1 date goes to Mr. Clean Cut himself, Drew.  As soon as Des and Drew meet up on the street, he goes in for a real kiss which was very Will Hunting of him (remember that scene in the diner when Skylar talks about a goodnight kiss and Will talks about a goodnight lay and then they kiss? Ahh Boston... where the greatest dudes are bred).  They explore, eat tapas, drink from a filthy spigot and Drew explains that his father is a recovering alcoholic who has cancer (but nobody knows about the cancer).  Spoiler alert, Drew: eeeeerybody's going to know about the cancer now.  Hope Pops is chill with it!

That night they stumble upon a trio of musicians playing in an alley and they both "dance" which is horrible to watch.  Wow, Desiree is awkward when attempting to move her upper body and lower body in the ritual that humans call "dancing."  They pass through a tiny, unmarked door and into a gorgeous courtyard where they are supposed to have dinner, but--aww snap--Drew has other plans!  Clean cut Drew takes Desiree by the hands and WHISKS her away (dude whisks HARD), back into that same alley, for a HARD CORE MAKE OUT beneath bright lights & in front of 3 videocameras.  It all looked very dramatic and completely moronic.  But perhaps all public make-outs do?  I have no idea cause I'm usually on the inside of those hard core make-outs (Heeeeeyo! UP TOP! But seriously I made out with this dude at a bar in February and I can only imagine how weird we must have looked. Me, this perfectly coiffed knock out vision of perfection making out with a bearded mountain man in a hunting shirt. For reals!).

Post-hard make out, Drew tells Desiree about what he overheard in the van last week: Mikey (rest in peace sweet Chicagoland beefcake) and James (The Don) talking about what life would be like for them back in Chicago, post-Bachelorette.  Drew & Kasey heard the guys talk about their ambitions of being the next Bachelor or at least trading on this newfound fame to score some ladies/free bottle service.  Class acts, those two! (But you know that if Mikey ever asked me out, I'd definitely say yes, even though he's probably a sleaze.  Ahh the power of roid rage-style arms & tribal tattoos!  I'm helpless against it!)  Drew scores a rose in the alley (good thing Des always keeps those on her person, huh?)

The next day is the group date and the crew is Brooks (still effeminate), Chris (pasty but growing tanner/cooler), Kasey (#StillSux), Michael (Chunky Swayze if Dalton had gone to law school instead of NYU for Philosophy--oh don't you doubt I know my Roadhouse references for a MINUTE, reader!), James (The Don and the resident  house pariah), and Juan Pablo (remember him?).  Desiree is in Sporty Spice mode (Poor Man's Katie Holmes/Sporty Spice--how many pop culture references can I make at once!? TWO?) and meets the boys at a soccer stadium where they will be doing drills and playing.  Michael rocks a sweatband because that's his favorite activity in the world (other than screaming, "I OBJECT!" every chance he gets) and Juan Pablo says he feels like he's home.  After some drills, Desiree disappears then walks back out with her team, which is comprised of WOMEN!  The guys respond in such a way that I assume they're unaware that women are allowed to PLAY soccer, much less that they have their own league.  The 6 dudes will be playing against Des and her team of 5 professional soccer players, yet Brooks still says, "if we don't beat them, we'll be embarrassed forever."  Ummm guys, you know that these 5 ladies are PROFESSIONALS at this, yes?  Why would you be embarrassed when your team of 1 professional and 5 amateurs loses to a team that is 5 professionals and 1 amateur.  Oh wait, because they're WOMEN!? Oh wow--you guys really come off like total pussies, but apparently you're sexist pussies, which is the worst kind of pussy.  But I digress.  Desiree and her team friggin' slaughter the guys 10-2 and all is right in the world.

At the afterparty, Desiree recites an original poem for Chris (barf) and marvels at his sports skills, saying, "I could give you any activity and you could do it so good."  Too bad you can't use grammar so good, Des.  Meanwhile, Kasey and Michael are talking about the #JamesSituation and decide to confront James about what he said in the van.  Chris just happens to be sitting there (hold onto that nugget for later).  Kasey and Michael confront James and he gets mad REAL QUICK (not the sign of a person who feels especially innocent, huh?) and lights into the dudes.  He finishes off his monologue with a classic, Half Baked style exit, pointing at Michael, then Chris, then Kasey and saying, "Yeah, fuck you Michael and fuck you and fuck you."

My favorite part about the whole display was that Chris said NOTHING to James and yet still got the 'ole "fuck you" to the face. There is nothing more hilarious to me than when people get caught in the verbal crossfire like that.

Kasey then tells Desiree about all of it and Desiree asks James to stick around after the guys leave for some 1:1 time. Before they all leave, Desiree says that she won't be giving out a rose tonight (which was probably pretty frustrating to Juan Pablo since I imagine he KILLED IT in the soccer match).

During their alone time, James is unrepentant yet weepy and insists that he was just making small talk with Mikey (so apparently he'll go along with anything you say to him in conversation?).  Desiree is tired and confused and sends him back to the hotel.

The next day is the Zak/Desiree 1:1 and I remain flabbergasted about the fact that he's still HERE.  Zak is an annoying tool with a crazy positive attitude who showed up shirtless and covered in bronzer on night 1!  And yet he's still here!? Huh? (I know that in Sean's season the girl who showed up shitfaced & in a wedding dress made it to the final 2, but I still can't believe Zak is here!)

Since Barcelona has so much art, their date consists of going to a windowless studio to sketch (way to make use of the city, producers!) a few models and each other.  A nude model shows up (OF COURSE HE DOES) and assumes a pose that can only be described as "Taint Shame."  I would post a photo here but I'm afraid I'll end up on a watch list.  It was pretty sketchy (HEYO!) and of course Zak used that opportunity to strip down to his tightey whiteys and pose (come on Zak, did Marky Mark teach you NOTHING in the early 90s?).  That night they dress up for dinner in an underground vault where they drink, explore, and make out in a low-ceilinged hallway that made me feel claustrophobic just looking at it (plus, the dude on the other end of that tongue is Zak, so it's even worse).

Back at the hotel, confrontations are going down left and right.  James insists that he's just being realistic about life after Bach (IS there life after Bach?  Do you believe in life after love? Wasn't that Cher song DOPE? Do you enjoy questions?) and Brooks makes the valid point that when you're dating a girl, you rarely talk about how excited you are for the other girls you'll date after this one (truth).  Michael calls James toxic, evil, and sinister and Drew calls him a "piece of shit." I love it when dudes talk smack!

James and Desiree have a sweaty 1:1 and she's still torn about who to trust, but soon it's rose ceremony time and she has made her decision.

Drew and Zak already have roses, os they're all safe.  Chris Harrison informs us that THREE dudes will be getting the Heisman tonight (that feels like a LOT) and 3 will be getting roses.  Who scores a rose?

Chris (writing poetry pays off only on The Bachelorette, not as an actual career path)
Brooks (he made a good point about James' shitty behavior, so I'll give him a pass this week)
Michael (Chunky Swayze's passion for law is somehow appealing to Des!)

So who's hopping on the S.S. Get the F--k Outta Town to a dingy named "CYA Later!" then to the AirTran shuttle to Losertown, population 3?  Juan Pablo, Kasey, and James.  What do we think of that?

Juan Pablo: there was very little communication between Des & JP, it seemed. He was hot, though.
Kasey: he was annoying and non-hot from the very start. I'm stunned he made it this far (too harsh?)
James: his thick neck & broad shoulders were hot, but the fact that he was SO "eyes on the prize" and the prize wasn't Desiree was problematic.  I'm sure Mikey's waiting for you at Le Passage, buddy.

Where are Desiree and her 5 suitors headed now?  To an island off Portugal where tears are going to flow like we're in a waterproof mascara testing laboratory!  See you Monday!