Bachelorette Desiree: Episode 6 Recap

As usual, I'm late with this recap.  I was performing at ALA in Chicago over the weekend (that's a conference hosted by the American Library Association and it RULZ) then had a gig Monday night, blah blah blah.  So my recap is late once again.  Someday I'll get it together, I promise, sweet pussycat.

What went down in episode 6 of The Bachelorette?  The standard fare that we have come to expect from this crew: Michael getting wicked lawyery, James (The Don) expelling water from his body in the form of a whole lotta tears and sweat, and Juan Pablo reminding us why the hell he's here (because he's a professional soccer player).

The crew headed to Barcelona, Spain (and based on Drew's pronunciation of whatever Spanish word means "small, street band," you KNOW that he's one of those jags who pronounces it "BarTHHHHElona."  What do I say to that? BARFelona--heeeyo! I'm the worst!).  Chris Harrison informs them of the week's activities: two 1:1 dates and a group date with roses up for grabs on all date and NO COCKTAIL PARTY (that's like WASP hell!), so there's no time for 11th hour pleas to Desiree.

The first 1:1 date goes to Mr. Clean Cut himself, Drew.  As soon as Des and Drew meet up on the street, he goes in for a real kiss which was very Will Hunting of him (remember that scene in the diner when Skylar talks about a goodnight kiss and Will talks about a goodnight lay and then they kiss? Ahh Boston... where the greatest dudes are bred).  They explore, eat tapas, drink from a filthy spigot and Drew explains that his father is a recovering alcoholic who has cancer (but nobody knows about the cancer).  Spoiler alert, Drew: eeeeerybody's going to know about the cancer now.  Hope Pops is chill with it!

That night they stumble upon a trio of musicians playing in an alley and they both "dance" which is horrible to watch.  Wow, Desiree is awkward when attempting to move her upper body and lower body in the ritual that humans call "dancing."  They pass through a tiny, unmarked door and into a gorgeous courtyard where they are supposed to have dinner, but--aww snap--Drew has other plans!  Clean cut Drew takes Desiree by the hands and WHISKS her away (dude whisks HARD), back into that same alley, for a HARD CORE MAKE OUT beneath bright lights & in front of 3 videocameras.  It all looked very dramatic and completely moronic.  But perhaps all public make-outs do?  I have no idea cause I'm usually on the inside of those hard core make-outs (Heeeeeyo! UP TOP! But seriously I made out with this dude at a bar in February and I can only imagine how weird we must have looked. Me, this perfectly coiffed knock out vision of perfection making out with a bearded mountain man in a hunting shirt. For reals!).

Post-hard make out, Drew tells Desiree about what he overheard in the van last week: Mikey (rest in peace sweet Chicagoland beefcake) and James (The Don) talking about what life would be like for them back in Chicago, post-Bachelorette.  Drew & Kasey heard the guys talk about their ambitions of being the next Bachelor or at least trading on this newfound fame to score some ladies/free bottle service.  Class acts, those two! (But you know that if Mikey ever asked me out, I'd definitely say yes, even though he's probably a sleaze.  Ahh the power of roid rage-style arms & tribal tattoos!  I'm helpless against it!)  Drew scores a rose in the alley (good thing Des always keeps those on her person, huh?)

The next day is the group date and the crew is Brooks (still effeminate), Chris (pasty but growing tanner/cooler), Kasey (#StillSux), Michael (Chunky Swayze if Dalton had gone to law school instead of NYU for Philosophy--oh don't you doubt I know my Roadhouse references for a MINUTE, reader!), James (The Don and the resident  house pariah), and Juan Pablo (remember him?).  Desiree is in Sporty Spice mode (Poor Man's Katie Holmes/Sporty Spice--how many pop culture references can I make at once!? TWO?) and meets the boys at a soccer stadium where they will be doing drills and playing.  Michael rocks a sweatband because that's his favorite activity in the world (other than screaming, "I OBJECT!" every chance he gets) and Juan Pablo says he feels like he's home.  After some drills, Desiree disappears then walks back out with her team, which is comprised of WOMEN!  The guys respond in such a way that I assume they're unaware that women are allowed to PLAY soccer, much less that they have their own league.  The 6 dudes will be playing against Des and her team of 5 professional soccer players, yet Brooks still says, "if we don't beat them, we'll be embarrassed forever."  Ummm guys, you know that these 5 ladies are PROFESSIONALS at this, yes?  Why would you be embarrassed when your team of 1 professional and 5 amateurs loses to a team that is 5 professionals and 1 amateur.  Oh wait, because they're WOMEN!? Oh wow--you guys really come off like total pussies, but apparently you're sexist pussies, which is the worst kind of pussy.  But I digress.  Desiree and her team friggin' slaughter the guys 10-2 and all is right in the world.

At the afterparty, Desiree recites an original poem for Chris (barf) and marvels at his sports skills, saying, "I could give you any activity and you could do it so good."  Too bad you can't use grammar so good, Des.  Meanwhile, Kasey and Michael are talking about the #JamesSituation and decide to confront James about what he said in the van.  Chris just happens to be sitting there (hold onto that nugget for later).  Kasey and Michael confront James and he gets mad REAL QUICK (not the sign of a person who feels especially innocent, huh?) and lights into the dudes.  He finishes off his monologue with a classic, Half Baked style exit, pointing at Michael, then Chris, then Kasey and saying, "Yeah, fuck you Michael and fuck you and fuck you."

My favorite part about the whole display was that Chris said NOTHING to James and yet still got the 'ole "fuck you" to the face. There is nothing more hilarious to me than when people get caught in the verbal crossfire like that.

Kasey then tells Desiree about all of it and Desiree asks James to stick around after the guys leave for some 1:1 time. Before they all leave, Desiree says that she won't be giving out a rose tonight (which was probably pretty frustrating to Juan Pablo since I imagine he KILLED IT in the soccer match).

During their alone time, James is unrepentant yet weepy and insists that he was just making small talk with Mikey (so apparently he'll go along with anything you say to him in conversation?).  Desiree is tired and confused and sends him back to the hotel.

The next day is the Zak/Desiree 1:1 and I remain flabbergasted about the fact that he's still HERE.  Zak is an annoying tool with a crazy positive attitude who showed up shirtless and covered in bronzer on night 1!  And yet he's still here!? Huh? (I know that in Sean's season the girl who showed up shitfaced & in a wedding dress made it to the final 2, but I still can't believe Zak is here!)

Since Barcelona has so much art, their date consists of going to a windowless studio to sketch (way to make use of the city, producers!) a few models and each other.  A nude model shows up (OF COURSE HE DOES) and assumes a pose that can only be described as "Taint Shame."  I would post a photo here but I'm afraid I'll end up on a watch list.  It was pretty sketchy (HEYO!) and of course Zak used that opportunity to strip down to his tightey whiteys and pose (come on Zak, did Marky Mark teach you NOTHING in the early 90s?).  That night they dress up for dinner in an underground vault where they drink, explore, and make out in a low-ceilinged hallway that made me feel claustrophobic just looking at it (plus, the dude on the other end of that tongue is Zak, so it's even worse).

Back at the hotel, confrontations are going down left and right.  James insists that he's just being realistic about life after Bach (IS there life after Bach?  Do you believe in life after love? Wasn't that Cher song DOPE? Do you enjoy questions?) and Brooks makes the valid point that when you're dating a girl, you rarely talk about how excited you are for the other girls you'll date after this one (truth).  Michael calls James toxic, evil, and sinister and Drew calls him a "piece of shit." I love it when dudes talk smack!

James and Desiree have a sweaty 1:1 and she's still torn about who to trust, but soon it's rose ceremony time and she has made her decision.

Drew and Zak already have roses, os they're all safe.  Chris Harrison informs us that THREE dudes will be getting the Heisman tonight (that feels like a LOT) and 3 will be getting roses.  Who scores a rose?

Chris (writing poetry pays off only on The Bachelorette, not as an actual career path)
Brooks (he made a good point about James' shitty behavior, so I'll give him a pass this week)
Michael (Chunky Swayze's passion for law is somehow appealing to Des!)

So who's hopping on the S.S. Get the F--k Outta Town to a dingy named "CYA Later!" then to the AirTran shuttle to Losertown, population 3?  Juan Pablo, Kasey, and James.  What do we think of that?

Juan Pablo: there was very little communication between Des & JP, it seemed. He was hot, though.
Kasey: he was annoying and non-hot from the very start. I'm stunned he made it this far (too harsh?)
James: his thick neck & broad shoulders were hot, but the fact that he was SO "eyes on the prize" and the prize wasn't Desiree was problematic.  I'm sure Mikey's waiting for you at Le Passage, buddy.

Where are Desiree and her 5 suitors headed now?  To an island off Portugal where tears are going to flow like we're in a waterproof mascara testing laboratory!  See you Monday!

Bachelorette Desiree: Episode 3 Recap

Last night's episode included all of the favorite elements that are beloved by the Bachelor die-hard community: a disgruntled ex-girlfriend, a broken finger, and men whipping balls at other men.  As Shitty Kasey would say, I was in #HEAVEN! 

Chris Harrison laid out the week's events: two group dates and a 1:1 date with roses up for grabs on all.  

The first group date crew was Chris (pasty), Brian (snooze), Drew (squeaky clean cut), Michael (Chunky Swayze), Brooks (lil effeminate and it's only going to get worse on this date—you'll see), Brad (brick shithouse who's hot but bland), Brandon (motorcycle dude who is VERY emotional), Zack K. (Chuck Taylor-wearer), Ben (the guy who sucks even MORE than the other sucky dudes), and last but certainly not least, my beloved MIKEY T!!! 

The dudes reported to a gym where they were greeted by super serious members of the National Dodgeball League.  These members acted like they were digging drainage ditches in Rwanda with how seriously they took their dodgeball games.  After the boys received some lessons in dodgeball (because apparently they never attended gym class or recess?), Chris Harrison arrived to split them into teams for a public dodgeball tournament.  The teams were "randomly picked" but just happen to pit Mikey T. and Chunky Swayze against Ben, so this "random selection" feels about as random as the list for the Tuesday Treehouse Open Mic circa Sue Funke's reign.  (Yes, that was a joke that only 5 readers will get, but I'M MAKING IT ANYWAY!)  The teams suited up in red or blue daisy dukes, knee-high socks, and sweatbands then made a dramatic entrance into the cage where they would play.  Chunky Swayze explained that it's a really intense cage match, saying, "this isn't your grandfather's kind of dodgeball." No, Michael, it's not.  Your grandfather probably NEVER played dodgeball, as he was a lil too busy fighting the Nazi's in WWII then coming back home to a family of 6 who needed to be fed and a lawn that had to be cut by a push mower and his ONLY relief was a beer or two at the VFW hall on Friday night.  No, I have a HUNCH that Pawpaw never dallied in a child's sport that overprivledged adult-children have co-opted.  But I digress.  (Wow—that greatest generation diatribe might make you think that this blog is ghost written by Tom Brokaw but I assure you IT IS NOT!  Brokaw knows NOTHING about Bach!)  

It was an intense, best-of-three tournament and after game 2, the red team had won 1 game and the blue team had won 1 game.  It was all down to this and Brooks ATE IT at the opening whistle.  He somehow managed to bust his finger and was taken away to the hospital.  Desiree held his hand for a second and then watched the finale of the 3rd game, which was Chris vs. Zack and there was a mention that both of those guys were former pro baseball players.  Huh? Umm… maybe I DON'T hate you both anymore.  

The blue team won and Desiree announced that both teams are invited to the after party, so all that effort was really for naught (man, I haven't seen a mind fuck that bad since I pledged Alpha Theta Chi and we were always made to feel like all the sisters hated us, but they actually didn't!).  Brooks missed most of the after party because he was at the hospital having his broken finger reset, fainting from the resetting, then dealing with a videocamera in his crotch.  At the after party, Brad (built, quiet) pulled Desiree aside to reveal that he has a 3 year old son named Maddox (insert Jolie-Pitt family joke here), his ex had a drinking problem, and he got arrested for domestic violence because of a scuffle they had.  YOWZA!  You're really giving Ben and Brandon a run for their money when it comes to bombshells!  Chris (pasty) whisked Desiree away to the helicopter pad/roof where they had some alone time and Chris showed that he's more than just a pasty random with the worst body in the house.  Not so fast, Chris—guess who's back from the hospital and thinking that his injury will mean that Desiree is wrapped around his broken finger? BROOKS!  And he's got to hold that finger upright to prevent painful blood flow to the tip (I've been there--no joke--long story), so he's looking like he's giving the #1 sign 24/7!  

Desiree and Brooks had a sweet conversation and make-out, but when it came down to rose time, Des gave it to CHRIS! The pasty nobody who needs to invest in an ab roller or just do some sit-ups once in a while! Aww snap!  Unprecedented!  Sorry Brooks, but breaking your finger won't always get you the girl.  The rose meant that Chris and Desiree got a private serenade by a sappy singer and Brandon watched from an onlooking patio (like a sniper) as Chris & Desiree made out.  

The next day, Desiree was "surprised" by a phone call (wow is that girl a bad actress) from Chris Harrison and told to head to the Bachelorette mansion.  There, she took Brian (snoooooze) outside and asked him if he's there "for the right reasons."  He went on and on that he is, then Desiree said that she's confused because Brian's girlfriend is here to confront him.  Aww snap!  In walked Stephanie (a cute brunette single mother) who LIT INTO Brian and said that they were together (cough--in bed--cough) 2 nights before he came on The Bachelorette.  Stephanie has a son named Donovan who apparently looks up to Brian (he aspires to have a SUPER bad personality?) and I just feel bad for the tyke that his name is Donovan.  For Brian's sake, I can't decide what is worse: being outed as a JERK on national TV, or having it happen while you are wearing black ankle socks!?  Seriously people--black ankle socks are DISGUSTING.  Brian was promptly asked to leave Bach land and the other guys were flabbergasted.  Brandon cried over the whole display because he was raised by a single mother and men would come in as father figures and then leave without saying goodbye (like Brian did to Donovan).  Oh Brandon, you're so sweet and your feelings are completely understandable and valid (who's got 2 thumbs and LOVES therapy!? THIS GIRL!) but seriously--talk to a therapist about these feelings of rejection and shame--not directly to a TV camera.  

Kasey (#Loser) gets the 1:1 date after that scene and their activity was dancing against a building (harness, leggings, and all).  It was pretty lame and Kasey continued to be an annoying tool, but he somehow scored a rose.  

The final group date is Dan (Ken doll-like helmet-like black hair and bright teeth), James (The Don), Juan Pablo (spicy!), Bryden (Iraq vet), Zak W (pity bid who is more like Andy from "The Office" every time he opens his mouth) and they reported to a wild west-type set.  Desiree was there in a hoop dress that The Don describes as "a beautiful gown from the 1900s" which could mean be a flapper dress or a Twiggy-style shift dress or a 1980s metallic prom dress, but who cares?  The guys dressed up as cowboys and learned stage combat and stunts in cowboy boot camp.  Juan Pablo earned the ranger badge so he and Desiree got some alone time to watch the trailer for "The Lone Ranger" and make-out while eating popcorn.  It's like an 8th grade date!  

Somewhere in between the cowboy boot camp and the afterparty, Bryden seems to have been introduced to hair gel is and he looks SO MUCH BETTER!  Push that hair to the side and lock in that style, Army man!  Desiree and Zak had a chat and he's SO not sexy it's stunning.  His days have GOT TO be numbered.  The Don revealed that his father is very ill and he misses his family (of course he does! They're the mafia!), so Desiree gave him a rose to reassure him.  

The next day, Desiree hung out with the guys at their pool and when she first pulled up in her car, Ben snuck out and whisked her aside for some 1:1 time.  He then denied doing this to all the guys in the house and  guess who knew the truth and wasn't having it? MIKEY AND CHUNKY SWAYZE!! Hell yeah!  Ben sat there in a bizarre tank top while Mikey and Chunky Swayze berated him--it was delightful.  Meanwhile, Brandon was practically WEEPING to Desiree about how upset he was by the single mom/Brian situation. Oh sweet Brandon--please tone it down.  

Finally, it's rose ceremony time.  Who has roses already?  James (The Don), Kasey (#EatShit), Chris (pasty).  Who scores a rose from Desiree at the ceremony?

  

-Bryden (I see BIG THINGS for him now that he knows how to use hair product) 

-Juan Pablo (their make-out seemed hot, despite the popcorn mouth) 

-Zak W. (HOW LONG WILL THIS CHARADE GO ON!? Guy is a joke!) 

-Brooks (a busted finger gets you the sweet 7th rose--ha!) 

-Drew (babyface, had a quiet week) 

-Zack K. (Chuck Taylors still flying under the radar) 

-Brad (he may look like a dumb lug, but now he's a dumb lug with a kid!) 

-Michael (aka Chunky Swayze who kinda needs a haircut) 

-Mikey T (HELL YES! I adore him but I fear that he and Michael are sliding into the Friend Zone) 

-Ben (smug sociopath who everybody hates, including America) 

Who's hopping on the shit train back to Rejectionville? Dan, who never revealed much personality, and Brandon.  Oh Brandon.  Brandon says that his heart is broken ("smashed by a hammer") and straight-up asks Desiree what went wrong.  She responds, "chemistry."  Ouch.  

Next week they posse is heading to America's favorite playground when Las Vegas is just not in the budget, ATLANTIC CITY!!!  

Bachelorette Desiree: Episode 2 Recap

I know, I know, I'm late with this.  This week has been a lil bit kookoo bananas with my recovery from a sweet day at Coney Island beach (WARRIORS 4 LIFE), then a work emergency that had me operating the 'ole publishing machine into the wee hours last night.  Then today was a gorgeous day with low humidity, I was rocking day 2 hair (perfection) and I lost track of time.  But now it's Bach time and I owe you a recap filled with comedic gems about the low-life tools who whore themselves out to ABC in the search for love.

Monday's episode featured all the greatest hits: family drama revealed WAY too early on in a relationship, bad dancing by ALL of the men, and a picnic in an orange grove.

Brooks (effeminate but makes up for it with good hair) scored the first 1:1 date and Desiree picked him up in her convertible Bentley.  They cruised around LA and drove to a bridal shop (because The Bachelorette is doing NOTHING to change the assumption that all women are marriage-minded crazies who just want to be a princess for a day) where Brooks tried on GOOFY TUXES (green! Like a Leprechan and/or the mascot of the greatest basketball franchise in the NBA, the Boston Celtics.  I don't actually know/care if the Celts are any good--I just love any team whose mascot has a complexion as corpse-like as my own!) and Desiree tried on gorgeous dresses (no kidding around with ugly looks for her).  In their wedding getups, they hopped back in the car and Desiree said, "I really felt like we were newlyweds!"  Keep in mind these two LITERALLY met yesterday.  They drove to a cupcake truck (can that trend please DIE OFF? We get it--they're cute & taste great!) then to the Hollywood sign where they sat on the L and talked about life.  Desiree gave us this assessment about Brooks: "When he falls in love, he falls in love." Wise words, Des. Sounds like Brooks is a lot like... everyone I know. That night they drove to a closed bridge where they had a candlelit dinner and Brooks shared the information that his parents are divorced and he didn't speak to his pops from ages 13-19. Talk about a moody teenager!  Just down the bridge was a poor man's Maroon 5-type band (apparently the guy is named Andy Grammer--relation to Kelsey, I wonder?) performing a mid-tempo song about keeping your head up (if ONLY it had been the song of the same name by TuPac, am I right? Now THAT would have been appreciated like a mom who visit you in jail).  Brooks and Desiree "danced to" the song, though their dancing looked more like middle school dance spinning idiocy.  Brooks scored a rose.

Back at the house, 14 dudes discovered that they'd be going on a group date.  The lucky dudes were Dan (white teeth Ken doll), Juan Pablo (the fact that he played pro soccer is the ONLY thing I find appealing about him), Kasey (#WorstGuyEver), Zak K. (Chuck Taylors, seems OK), Will (lone black guy in the house and I give him tons of credit for it), Brian (...zzzzz...), Ben (father who needs a punch in his smug face), Drew (so clean cut dude should be in a soap commercial), Brian (forgettable), James (The Don), Mikey (the #1 best dude in that G-D house who should date ME), Michael (Chunky Swayze), Zack W. (shirtless guy who toned down the bronzer use this week, it seemed), Nick (mole on his cheek), and Brandon (motorcycle dude).

The crew arrived at a beautiful mansion with 3 sports cars in the driveway where Desiree informed them of the day's activity: making a rap video with Souljaboy.  I guess even Souljaboy needs an easy payday every now and then.  The day was pretty funny, with Chuky Swayze showing how funny he can be, Brandon rocking a tiny thong, and the lighting and sound crew hating every moment of their G-D lives (I'd guess).  Watch the finished product here.

At the after party, Zack W. gave Desiree the odd gift of an antique journal that had been inscribed from a father to a daughter but the daughter had never used.  Hey Zack, by "antique journal" are you sure you don't mean "stolen goods from your neighbor"?  The best comment about Zack came from my roommate Liz who walked in and said, "I didn't recognize him with his clothes on."  Seriously.  Ben reminded Desiree that he's really old-fashioned (yup, SO old fashioned that he knocked up a "friend" then exploited his child on network television) and interrupted Mikey's alone time with Desiree.  This did NOT sit well with Chunky Swayze (WHO I AM LOVING!) and Mikey straight-up addressed it with Ben, man-to-man.  Mikey said that Ben seems like a politician and he's really fake and Ben just sort of grinned through it all.  Oh Ben, I hope that Mikey loses his hot, Italian temper on your ass and Chunky Swayze backs him up in that brawl.  (Wouldn't that make for great TV? UFC meets The Bachelorette!)  Brandon has obviously spent too much time alone and when he finally gets 1:1 time with Des, he launches in on a monologue (seriously--she just sat there nodding) about his family, how he's not an Ivy League guy (aww Brandon--those dudes suck! Don't fret, my pet!), and how he's not rich.  It was sweet... but a bit intense.  At the end of the afterparty, Desiree had a rose to give out and she gave it to Ben because on reality TV, being a piece of human garbage somehow ALWAYS pays off.  Blech.

Next 1:1 date went to Bryden (Iraq War vet with a bad haircut) and it was a road trip.  They cruised the Cali coastline, ate fish tacos, flew a kite despite the fact that there was no wind, and Bryden revealed that he doesn't know what Brie is.  Oh Bryden, get ready for your world to be ROCKED by Brie cause that shit RULZ.  Over dinner Bryden shared that he was in a horrible car crash during college and he HAPPENED to have hard copy photos of the wreck in his jacket pocket!  Throughout the episode, it was clear that the producers were like, "this is the week to reveal yourselves, dudes!"  After dinner, Des and Bryden chilled in a hot tub where Bryden awkwardly stared at her until she finally said, "kiss me already."  Nice work, Des.  Bryden scored a rose.

Finally, it was rose ceremony time, but not before Chunky Swayze made his BIG REVEAL to Desiree that he has type I diabetes (no joke--he acted like he was about to drop a BOMBSHELL and I was thinking that he'd reveal that he had Leukemia as a child or something, but diabetes!?  Dude--check your blood sugar regularly, don't eat too much sugar, and STEP OFF) and a few of the guys told Ben that he's a jerk to his face.  I love watching men cat fight!  It feels like I'm watching feminism advance somehow.  Post-fight, Chunky Swayze dropped this gem: "Haven't heard about his son since night 1--wonder how HE's doing!" which was hilarious.  Brian (boring dude) used his 1:1 time with Desiree to talk about staying in a dead relationship (how can that happen? I'm far too trigger happy when it comes to dumping, though, so don't listen to me).

At the rose ceremony, Brooks, Ben and Bryden already had roses because Desiree is a sucker for boring dudes with B names.  Who else scored roses and in what order, you ask?
-James: THE DON! Mafia for life! No one gets out alive!
-Kacey: #He'llBeGoneSoon #GodWilling #HisHairIsTooSpikey #BadPersonality
-Dan: white teeth can't make up for (seemingly) no personality
-Juan Pablo: she asked him if he'd accept this rose en Espanol!
-Brad: umm... who? Dude is wicked generic.
-Chris: pasty & boring. He'll be gone soon.
-Brian: he and Des have so much in common! They both stay in shitty relationships!
-Zack W: that weird journal secured his spot for another week of ab flaunting
-Drew: I pray there's a personality behind that boyish charm, but I bet there isn't
-Mikey: HELL YEAH! YOU RULE! CALL ME!
-Zack: Chuck Taylors is a slow burn, I'm thinking
-Michael: Chunky Swayze proved that he's hilarious & rad this week
-Brandon: apparently your one-man show about your f-ed up family got the girl for once!

So who is going back to life, back to reality (however do you want me...) and what did they do wrong?
-Will: nice guy, but he gave Desiree a lame nickname right away and it was just kinda cheesy (BRIE cheesy, right Bryden? Hahahaha [shoves entire face into chunk of Brie])
-Robert: he was just a set of eyebrows, it seemed. Go back to spinning signs, my friend.
-Nick: he was just a mole on a cheek, it seemed.  Go back to...whatever it is you do (and get that mole checked--seriously--if it changes in shape especially).  Probably the best part of their exits was that Robert referred to being sent home as a "nightmare" and Nick called it "heartbreak."  I don't mean to laugh at their pain but it's just so damn hilarious.

Next week my dream of a UFC-Bachelorette hybrid just might be realized, as I think there will be a fistfight AND I CANNOT WAIT!