This week we had a dramatic kickball game, two 1:1s, lots of tears, trauma talk™, and a wanna-be Rodgers and Hammerstein.
The week started off with a 1:1 between Pascal and Joan and I must admit, Pascal has never been my favorite. He seemed helpless and proud of it (asking the Danny Bonaduce look-alike to do his laundry), which is SO unappealing. But in his 1:1, we got to know the tender heart beneath the French accent and shears and Pascal’s life story made me weepy. Poor guy revealed to Joan that he grew up in severe neglect, raised by parents who seemed to resent him for being born. HOO BOY. They jetted off to Las Vegas, where they dined at a faux Eiffel Tower (built to 1/3 scale, if it’s anything like the fake Venice, Italy in Las Vegas) and that date felt like THE MOST AMERICAN idea for a French contestant. As we used to say in my AP French class, FORMIDABLE! Pascal and Joan seem to make a tender love connection and he scores a rose.
Next is a group date and while The Bachelorette LOVES forcing the men to box or endure physical challenges that usually result in at least one contestant being taken out in an ambulance (it’s called GOOD TV, people—look it up!), these producers aren’t looking to break hips (only hearts), so they men are about to have a kickball tournament. The hipsters who hijacked McCarren Park in Brooklyn with their kickball leagues and knee-high socks circa 2006 APPROVE!
The group date is Chock, Gil, Dan (sweet guy with the hand tremor), Charles L (sweetest, funniest guy), Charles K (I will NOT call him CK), Gregg (Danny Bonaduce), Gary (my fave), Guy (ER doctor with big smile), Kim (Navy dude), Jordan (Chock look-alike), Mark (whose “job” is listed as “Girl Dad”). They are split into 2 teams and force-fed Quaker Oats because that is the sponsor of this event (I’m not kidding). Jessie Palmer and Joan do color commentary and are funnier than you’re think. Charles L makes some great kickball moves despite having, as he shares with us, “no experience with kickball.” This guy is SO funny and he is NEVER TRYING and that is WHY it works. The blue team wins, so they get an afterparty with Joan and she wears a blue dress like some sorta Democrat smoke show (we’re ALL smoke shows, baby! Go DONKEYS! HARRIS/WALZ 2024 OR WE ARE LITERALLY GOING TO DIE!).
Charles shares with Joan that when his wife passed, she had a heart attack or a brain aneurism (I’m sorry I can’t recall but I had had a few drinks AND I was half asleep while watching so my notes are chicken scratch and I’m stunned that I can read ANYTHNG off them) and she fell over and when she was taken to the hospital, she had blood seeping out of her mouth. This scared Charles and he has spent 10 years wondering, “how did she have blood in her mouth?” Earlier that week, in the house, Charles asked ER doctor Guy what he thought. Poor guy, Guy (ya see that?) must get hit with every medical question any stranger has EVER pondered anytime he leaves his house. Guy is lovely and patient with Charles and explains that it’s likely she bit her lip when she fell over, so it was just a bit of blood from that but nothing more sinister or deadly. This information is SO helpful and cathartic to Charles in processing his grief.
THIS is part of why the Golden version of the franchise is so lovely AND so different from the standard version—in GOLDEN land, there is a sense that, duh, we have all had previous partners and heartbreaks and loss. In the regular Bachelor/Bachelorette world, discussing ANY previous partner is usually unwise. Some people might share that they went through a breakup and that inspired them to submit for the show, or that they have endured heartbreak, but you really DO NOT want to dwell on it. You do NOT want to make it seem like you loved anyone else THAT much, or the other contestants will use it against you and insinuate that you aren’t FULLY committed to the lead and thus not “there for the right reasons” (a deadly curse in Bachelor land).
So anyway, it’s really powerful to watch Charles L. process his grief over his beloved wife, explore his feelings, and even learn new things that are helping him find resolution and peace. I mean, the guy is NOT going to win Joan’s heart, but I’m glad he can heal his own and he so charming and funny while doing so.
I don’t think anyone gets a rose at the end of that date but I maaaay be wrong?
Up next is the 1:1 date of Joan and Jonathan. Sweet Jonathan is NOT super thrilled to get the 1:1, as he is anxious about “being seen” and man, this one made me weepy, too. I understand why he may be nervous about getting to know her TOO quickly—you need to have JUST the right timing in Bachelor-land—you don’t want to blow your metaphorical emotional load too early on. But also, he’s apprehensive about fully letting her in (and, I’d guess, about letting all the TV viewers in). He gets a rose meanwhile back at the house, Navy Captain Kim is attempting to FORCE the other men to sing an ORIGINAL DITTY that he has written called “We Are The Mansion Men” which is as catchy as it is corny. The rhythm and lyrics reminded me of a song from ANIMAL CRACKERS that we performed my senior year in High School. Check that out here if you want to hear another mostly-annoying song that shrieks “amateur musical theater.”
Kim’s song is all about how they are the Mansion Men and they’re sad and lonely and want to win Joan’s heart. Speak for yourself on the sad and lonely stuff, my dude! A lot of the men are NOT eager to bust out a song like they’re elementary school students at an all-school assembly. In the end, only sweet ER doctor Guy is willing to sing with Kim and they seem to have forged a sweet friendship. Also bravo to the other guys for setting boundaries!
At the cocktail party, Joan is looking gorgeous in a blush, sparkly gown (somewhat surprising, as blush is NOT my favorite on white women) and the roses get handed out as follows:
-Guy – ER doctor had a strong episode
-Dan – Shaky hands can hold onto Joan’s heart (I’m sorry)
-Gary – my fave who pushed back on the forced Mansion Men sing-along beautifully
-Jordan – husky, white, older dude hottie
-Chock – husky, white, older dude hottie
-Charles L – a man on an emotional journey through time and space and we love him
-Keith – husky, white, older dude hottie
-Mark – husky, white, older dude hottie
So who is going home and hoping to leverage his appearance on The Golden Bachelorette into more dates on the local level?
-Kim – ahh the Mansion Man is a Mansion Man no more. For a guy who said, in the talent show episode, that he was NOT into singing or performing, guy sure seemed to LOVE singing and performing
-Charles K – He seemed like a sweet guy but I won’t miss hearing about CK
-Greg – Danny Bonaduce look-alike can get back to his career of making appearances at Partridge Family Superfan Conventions
What did you think? Did you catch the previews of the next ep? I certain DID NOT!
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