Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Bachelor Nick V. Episode 4: Dating on the Dairy Farm


We are now living in Trump's America, a land where the Environmental Protection Agency had better SHUT ITS MOUTH because Donny said so, but, mercifully, we have Nick and the Gals to keep our spirits high as we slowly march toward a world of "alternative facts" where Press Secretary's carry personal vendettas against Dippin' Dots!

But you know what is NOT an alternative fact? How much all the ladies HATE CORINNE!!

(What a segue!)

That's me! On a segway! In a helmet! (JK I hate hats.)

Episode 4 opened with all of the women gathered by the pool looking gorgeous and having a Town Hall meeting about how much Corinne sucks.  Where was she? Upstairs dozing like Florida's own Sleeping Beauty.

Nick and Vanessa continued their intense conversation on the steps (during which she straight up offered to return her rose and walk, if he's just looking for someone to F around with--GO GIRL), and later Nick said goodbye to the ladies, assuring them that it's "all about the end game."

Post-pool party, Smiley Sarah and Therapist Taylor visited Corinne in her bed and calmly advised her to do herself a favor, pull it together, and stop acting like the rules don't apply to her.  Corinne cracked some pretty solid jokes, saying that she is NOT privileged (zing!), asking why they are so obsessed her (BOOM!), and insisting that that they need to get over it (HONK).

Soon it's rose ceremony time and every girl is saying she will be PISSED if Corinne gets a rose.  Nick and Chris Harrison have a quick chat about House Pariah Corinne as we watch clips of Corinne in the interview room saying that girls are "haters," they all have their "panties in a bunch" and they're "overly sensitive." Wait, is she employed by the Trump administration? Or do her talking points just flow so naturally from Donny's wig into her mouth?

Vanessa and Rachel already have roses, and does Danielle also?  Either way, the rose hand out goes....
-Raven - looking pretty good, but wait, is that greyish sorta textured dress made of window shades and--hold up--does it have separate arm pieces!??! To cover her biceps?  Huh?
-Taylor - blue, sleeveless dress, high ponytail, big hoops, solid look
-Whitney - lovely, lacey white dress and bold lip, but still, like, who is she?
-Kristina - From Russia With Love (is that Eastern Euro racist?) is looking hot in a red V neck dress
-Jasmine - maroon dress with long sleeves is super flattering and sexy, without being like, "tits out," ya know?
-Alexis - coral dress,  hoops, a bit too basic for me, but not bad
-Astrid - rocking a sorta Cher look (nice) with a white dress with blue pattern on it, but also, is she just another Whitney or am I experiencing hair/face blindness?
-Blonde Danielle - love the bold lip, cute sparkly blue-ish top thing
-Jaimie - woa woa woa straight hair now? How long did that take to blow out? I guess you got nothing better to do in the Bachelor Manse, so may as well while away your hours damaging your hair.
-Josephine - looking really great with the dark lip, thought that shirt color (dirty tomato) is atrocious
-Sarah Smiley - light dress, simple necklace, nice, light look
-Corinne - in a red dress that looks like a weird bandage dress (remember when those were goddamn everywhere?) with hair down (of course--ugh--snooze).

So heading home we have Christine (the super sweet virgin who rocked cute hair scarves) and Brittany (who never did much, but did leave us with a LOT of weird side smirk in the style of McKayla Maroney.

The girls who don't suck tearfully bid goodbye to Christine and Brittany then Corinne insists on proposing a LENGTHY, drawn out toast about how HAPPY she is to be here and how lucky they all are to be here and wow, I haven't seen petty, immature attempts at manipulation that bad since middle school.  Cool moves, girl!

So we're down to Nick and 15 girls and Chris Harrison has got some travel news. Pack your bags and your Lactaid because we are heading to WISCONSIN!!!! The ladies are THRILLED and I gotta say, I attended a wonderful wedding in Milwaukee this summer and it was a BLAST!  You'd be surprised how cool that down is--a lovely waterfront, some great bars, classic restaurants with awesome cheese options--solid stuff.  But poor Blonde Danielle is legit FROM THERE, so she's probably not TOO jazzed up, only because it's not an exciting, new place for her.  But I digress.

As the ladies unpack in their beautiful house (which has been scrubbed of any books, magazines, televisions, no doubt), Nick and his parents are crying and chatting in a local coffee shop.

The first 1:1 date in Waukesha, WI goes to Danielle L. (the artist formerly known as Tits McGee) and their date is a walk around Nick's hometown and a recitation of boring memories about him making out in the library, hooking up in fields, and having awful friends who encouraged him to jump in a river for $12 then BOUNCED.  They "happen to run into" an ex of his, Amber, who is super nice and gets along with Danielle really well--SEE THAT, AMERICA!??! NOT ALL WOMEN HATE EACH OTHER!!! (I'm stilled riled up from the Women's March and from being called an "aching vagina" by a random woman on Facebook--no joke! Life is a  magical journey filled with thrilling characters.)

That night in Milwaukee, Nick (looking like he's a JV Blood in a red leather jacket) and Danielle L. (in a black and white dress that she must have bought in Cleavage City, USA) drink and discuss Danielle's parents' divorce from a decade prior ("HI MOM AND DAD! Hope this isn't weird for you guys to watch on TV!" -Danielle).  I was LOVING Danielle's messy ponytail and sparkly hair tie, so I missed much of the conversation, but I'm sure the gist was that she WANTS to love, yet she's SCARED of love. Should I just watch the series on mute from now on?

Then they walk down the street and burst into the Pabst Theater (God bless Milwaukee and its amazing beer history) where they are greeted by HUNDREDS of screaming women (the energy was set to "Last Season of Oprah" levels). Nick and Danielle give high 5s down the aisle, then dance and make out on a platform in front of a "country" singer named Chris Lane. OK, I am a FAN of shitty Top 40 Country. I remember when Emily Maynard and that polish dude from Chicago danced to Luke Bryan on The Bachelorette before ANY "coastal elite lib-tards" knew who he was, but I was already into him. So if you're a new guy on the country scene and I'm like "duuuuhhhh wah?" then you'd better get your publicist working overtime.  Danielle has a rose and is safe for another week.

The next day is a group date for Rachel, Alexis, Vanessa, Jasmine, Jaimie, Sarah Smiley, Whitney, Kristina, Astrid, Taylor, Josephine, Blonde Danielle, and CORINNE.

The date is on a dairy farm (what what WISCONSIN!) where the ladies will be bailing hay, milking cows, and shoveling shit (literally).  This date was MADE for Corinne and she had a tantrum, as the prophecy foretold.  While everyone else went along with it and made the best, had fun, Corinne said that her hands were SUPER cold, so she had to go sit outside and she was "almost hospitalized."  She whines that her private slave--I'm sorry, nanny--Raquel, should be handling her chores and says she wants sushi.

That night at the afterparty, the ladies walk up like a bunch of T Birds (practically EVERY single gal had a black leather jacket) and Nick quickly pulls Kristin aside.  My pal Lauren's favorite moment was when Kristin says to Nick that she'd like to tell him about her childhood and she may have to do that in pieces. Nick says yes, he'd like to learn about her childhood, but first it's MAKE OUT TIME. Corinne compares herself to a corn husk, which would be more appropriate if the gang was in Iowa or Illinois. How about a more appropriate comparison--perhaps a cheese that is both ugly AND smelly?  

The ladies argue with Corinne as Vanessa shows Nick a scrapbook that her students made her.  Corinne begins to unravel, giving overly emotional apologies for napping (girl, you know it's not about you being tired--it's about being rude to the other girls--don't play dumb) then inviting the women to speak directly to her if they have an issue with her. Vanessa, Taylor, and Sarah take her up on that offer, which enrages her even more.  My favorite was watching Kristina drop some TRUTH on Corinne--that eastern european accent does NOT pull any punches and I love it.

Kristina says to Corinne that she's chooses to hide away and run away, rather than face things head on and show up for a 20 minute rose ceremony.  Corinne storms off to find Nick and pretend that everything is going great. I'm betting we only have one or two more episodes out of this girl (betting/praying).

Nick gives the date rose to Kristina--great move!

Up next is a 1:1 for my favorite Razorback Raven and she's looking cute and casual.  Nick and Raven walk to a soccer field where they will be watching Bella (Nick's little sister, a recurring character on the show) play soccer and meeting Nick's parents!  Raven is a good pick for this date and she makes a solid impression.  Then they go roller skating and Raven is a good sport, plus very sweet to Bella.  That night Nick and Raven eat dinner in the Milwaukee Art Museum and Raven gives the blow-by-blow of her explosive last relationship, which ended when she kicked in a bedroom door and found her ex straddling another woman.  Yikes!  She beat him with a stiletto and now I am Team Raven for life!!

The next night is the cocktail party/rose ceremony somewhere VERY COLD with lots of candles and open flames.  Tensions are mounting and the dueling sides seem to be Josephine and Corinne vs. Taylor and Every Else.  Josephine, didn't you see how this ended for Lacey?  Everyone who befriends her gets sent home--save yourself!

Corinne and Taylor take a page from the Real Housewives and go sit by a fire to have an argument. Taylor says that Corinne lacks self-awareness and emotional maturity and Corinne responds that Taylor is "stuck up" which is an insult beloved by middle school idiots.

In the previews of next week's episode we hear that Corinne wants to punch Taylor in the face (real classy, multi-million dollar business "owner") and I'm betting money that those two end up on the 2-on-1 date (that's ALWAYS how they do it!) which will involve Everglades and Alligators, it seems. Will they be taking Corinne back to her homeland and leaving her there? We can only hope!

Monday, January 23, 2017

Ep 4 recap will be delayed

Hello hello!

I can't watch the episode live tonight, as I will be recording an episode of a rad podcast called "Talk This Way" (and I'll wrote that out here--fear not).  So my written recap will be a few days late, but my Fantasy Suite podcast co-host Dava WILL be recording tonight with a guest co-host.  Will post that on Tuesday!! :)

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Bachelor Nick V. Episode 3: Doulagate, Naps, and a Lil Boot N Rally


On Monday night The Bachelor picked up right where we'd left off--with the ladies living in STD Shack processing the fact that Liz "Joker Smile Doula" Janner Friend humped Nick 9 months pre-Bach and he had just sent her home.

We were heading into a rose ceremony (rough timing) and Nick arrived at the house to face an onslaught of gorgeous ladies who wanted more information, like the strangest press conference of all time. Nick gave it to them straight, saying "we had sex... but here's the thing--I asked for her number, but she said that she wasn't in the right place and wanted to leave that night to be that night." I get what he's saying and I get why he added the disclaimer of "I asked for her number! I couldn't possibly be a sleeze!" but I also wonder what the more conservative girls in the house (cough Christen cough) think of this behavior.  Nick tells the ladies that he's an open book and he's happy to answer any questions about DoulaGate, but the gals are pretty quick to pull a Fozen and just let it go (a joke for my mom friends out there! Frozen, huh? Am I two years behind? Do the tykes still love that one?).

Nick has a few conversations about it (the one with Lacey the NYC gal seems pretty uncomfortable) and Nick says to Danielle L. that "I was more concerned about you guys" meaning, I was more concerned about what you guys WOULD THINK OF ME.  Oh Nick, it's always about you, isn't it?  Nick has a good chat with Raven (whose style keeps getting better) and Hailey (who he toasts marshmallows with) before Corinne whisks him away for a surprise that requires her to dress up as Inspector Gadget.  That surprise is, essentially, 2 pillows and a can of Reddi Whip on the front driveway, where she tries to impress him with her use of whipped cream (holy 9th grade rec room action, gang!) but mostly succeeds in creeping him out.  In a voice over, we hear Nick saying that he's a bit gun shy about sexy stuff in light of DoulaGate, so when Jasmine G. interrupts Nick and Corinne in their poor man's Varsity Blues situation, he's eager to bounce.

This prompts Corinne to scramble back into the house and WEEP, which, I gotta admit, is an even more pleasurable thing to watch than when she's simply jealous and disappointed.  Post-sob fest, Corinne crawls into bed with her rose and sleeps through the rose ceremony.

YES--CORINNE SKIPPED THE ROSE CEREMONY to sleep in a trenchcoat with a flower and got away with it.  Somebody cue up mama's favorite Chris Harrison ditty: THAT IS UNPRECEDENTED!! Is there no rule of law in the Bachelor Mansion!? Come on! I want some RULES in this house!!!

Nick realizes that Corinne's not there, but continues with the rose anyway because sometimes, the show must go on, and, annoying as she may be, she's a "hot" (to some) 24 year-old who is throwing herself at him, and most guys can't say no to that.

Corinne and Danielle M. already have roses, then he gives them out to:

-Astrid (maroon dress and cool necklace. She seems a lil boring, but has good style)
-Taylor (COOL black dress with neat cut outs and a stylish braid hairdo)
-Whitney (highly forgettable brunette in a gold dress)
-Kristina (Eastern Euro adoptee, seems sweet but maybe not the most playful? Cute dress though)
-Danielle L. (looking gorgeous in a red dress, great make-up)
-Rachel (first impression rose gal looking good in a sparkly grey dress)
-Vanessa (amazing, light, flowy dress; killer make-up; yes yes yes)
-Raven (light, lacey dress that contrasts nicely against her dark hair and tan skin)
-Jaimie (red dress, curly blonde hair, seems like a cool customer)
-Dominique (loving her retro hairstyle and pink/black dress)
-Sarah (always smiley, blue patterned dress, very cute)
-Alexis (Dolphin girl keeps on swimming! Nice red dress, great sense of humor)
-Brittney (does nothing for me, black dress, am I a monster?)
-Josephine (her hair and make-up are looking spectacular, fantastic dress)

So hitching a ride on JetBlue flight 6969 back to Loserville, Population: YOU are Hailey (who was straight up NOT wearing enough clothing), Lacey (blonde NYC gal who I was pulling for, but anyone who can get along with Corinne that well is probably a nightmare), and Elizabeth (was always pretty snooze-worthy, but cute yellow dress for the exit).

The next day we kick off another week with 18 ladies and Nick. Chris Harrison informs the women that this week, the producers have outdone themselves with the date activities.  And he's not kidding.
The group date card arrives and Danielle L., Christen (a girl who knows and loves volume at the crown as much as I do), Kristina, Whitney, Taylor, Jasmine G., and Corinne quickly learn that they will be spending a day with the Backstreet Boys and serving as their backup dancers for a concert that night.  Danielle L. and Jasmine G. are fired up because they are both great dancers, while Corinne is anxious because she's a terrible dancer AND has no short term memory (ha--I'm sorry--that killed me).

During the day of dancing with married men who call themselves "Boys," Corinne absolutely unravels, saying that she feels uncomfortable, self-conscious, and jealous.  Oh how the mighty have fallen!  Before you know it, 500 randoms are assembled in a dark airplane hanger, the Boys are singing, and Nick & his Ladies take the stage for some live dancing.  Everybody seems to do well (minus Corinne) but Danielle L. impresses the Backstreet Bois the most, so she wins a slow dance with Nick (onstage--so awkward) while the Boys sing an a cappella version of "I Want It That Way."  Danielle L. and Nick make out while slow dancing and Corinne has a psychotic break upon witnessing this, which the Bach editors play up with echo sounds and a few fuzzy camera shots--amazing cinematography.

That night at the after party (which, sadly, the Backstreet Boys did NOT attend) before the crew can have a sip of a drink post-cheers, Corinne jumps on Nick and takes him aside.  The "slit" up the side of her periwinkle Forever 21 dress is more of a giant chunk that is missing, but I suppose it's a step up from a Carmen Sandiego trench coat. Once they are alone she explains to Nick that she has trouble with "planned dancing" (she means choreography but that word has 5 syllables, so it's too complex), she apologizes for sleeping through the last rose ceremony ("I slept through my rose ceremony alarm.... err... the dog ate my... rose?") and says that she doesn't need to talk to the other girls because that's all fine (then we cut to a montage of the other girls calling her rude, disrespectful, entitled).  Now that Corinne feels confident again, she lays down her head for a long winter's nap just like in the ole St. Nick poem.

Nick and Danielle L. play grab ass and talk, then later all of the ladies assemble to hear an assortment of Corinne's verbal diarrhea (not to be confused with vomit WHICH IS COMING RIGHT UP, Bachelor Nation!): she wants a tiny bobby job, she has a "nanny" named Raquel who is the only person who can properly make her "cheesy pasta" (ya mean mac and cheese? ravioli? Good Lord the public school system failed you---or maybe your parents did?), she doesn't make her own bed or wash her own clothes, she is a job creator and so Raquel should appreciate her.  Jasmine G. has had enough so she makes a "talk to the hand" gesture and walks off to the bathroom to engage in America's favorite pastime: talking shit.  I love it and I love Jasmine.

Finally, Nick joins the ladies and hands gives the date rose to Danielle L. Halleluiah!  Also, am I the only one who is truly disgusted by Corinne's helplessness?  It's not a good look, Florida.

The next day is a 1:1 date with Vanessa (gorgeous Mother Theresa Canadian brunette) and the couple suits up in mechanic-style bodysuits, hops on a Zero G plane, and goes up then down then up so that they experience total weightlessness.  Nick and Vanessa enjoy floating and kicking and kissing while swirling around sans gravity, but soon they are "back to reality" when Vanessa starts vomiting. Oh man. This made me laugh SO hard.  What a nightmare.  Vanessa handled it with aplomb, though, and Nick, to his credit, was very chill about the whole thing.  Hey, sometimes your body just isn't ready to float like an astronaut so you boot, rally, pop some gum in your mouth, and keep on kissing!

Fear not, Vanessa--Nick gets this response from a LOT
of women when he tries to cuddle with them.

That night then enjoy a lovely "dinner" (drinks--notice that Vanessa had a glass or water--poor girl was probsies still dehydrated from all that PUKING) at the tallest building in LA (what, 8 floors up or so?) and talk about dead relatives, family, and flowers, which literally brings Nick to tears. Vanessa very astutely asks Nick why the heck he would do this AGAIN, when he has been through it all so many times?  He says he's still optimistic and gives her the rose, then they kiss and canoodle.  Very cute.  Ya see, Corinne, THAT is how it's done!

The next day is a track and field group date for Rachel (first date rose, has been stuck at house since then), Alexis (BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN'S #1 FAN I BET), Astrid (I'm sorry, but she's a snooze-a-thon to me), Jaimie (seems spunky), Sarah (smiley), Brittany (zzzz wake me up with she gets sent away), Dominique (FINALLY! She has been stuck at the house all this time and, as she said, that isn't date, that's just WAITING! Haaaay!).

The ladies dress up like an ad for Kate Hudson's new activewear line (that has been the subject of some controversy because the bums on those yoga pants are showing butt!!!) and meet Nick on a track, where 3 former U.S. Olympic Athletes inform them that today's date is a Nick-ath-alon.  There will be a long jump, a javelin throw, and a high jump (which, I gotta admit, I was pretty OK at during my middle school track days--mostly just an excuse to hang out at the track watch super cool high schoolers).  Dominique gets into her head, Alexis and Rachel dominate, and Astrid wears a bra without enough support.

Finally, the Olympians declare that Rachel, Alexis, and Astrid will go on to the final round: a 100 yard dash to a giant faux blood diamond which one women must grab, then run to the a hot tub that has been set up ON the track (love it) for some alone time with Nick.

Rachel gets to the ring first, but is running so fast that she knocks it off.  Alexis is right behind her, but can't get the ring in time, so 3rd place Astrid is able to snap up part of it (while Rachel mistakenly steps on the other part).  Inexplicably, this bizarro dash ends with Astrid STILL IN HER YOGA PANTS, in the hot tun with Nick.  Holy yeast infection, ladies!!  Dominique feels defeated.

That night the after party, Dominique continues to spiral and, bless those gals, the other ladies offer her advice, encouragement, and support.  Nick chats with each woman an when he gets to Dominique, she LAUNCHES into some obviously prepared remarks that are pretty jarring and aggressive.  I can see how Nick may have felt a bit stunned by all of it and his response to her litany of issues is to simply say that he needs to follow his gut and send her home.  I feel that.  Sometimes too much drama and hurt feelings THAT early is a bad indicator of what could be to come.  Dominique gives Nick a tearful hug goodbye, Rachel gets the date rose (2nd rose outside a rose ceremony!), and the ladies head back to the mansion.

The next day is a POOL PARTY (which is probably pretty anti-climactic when it's the pool that you sit by all day because you are effectively a concubine): 17 girls, 1 Nick, and 1 bouncy castle.  Lordy Lordy.  Raven's yellow bikini is killer, Alexis looks awesome and cracks me up, and Corinne is busy contouring upstairs while saying that the other women seem desperate. Ha! Good one, bro.

Mid-party, Corinne calls Nick to the driveway where she has a pink bounce castle for them to jump in and a pair of thighs for her to wrap around his crank.  Stay classy, Florida.  The other woman witness this display, are all pretty offended by it, and they join forces to each bring it up to Nick individually. Way to go, ladies!!  While Corinne slumbers away (yes, she goes to sleep AGAIN as the party continues), Raven warns Nick that he's making a huge mistake and that Corinne is a helpless child, Jasmine G. and Taylor both confront him about the signals he is sending to the other women, and Vanessa drops the hammer with the line, "I question what your intentions are... I'm not judging Corinne, I'm judging YOUR actions."  YES YES YES!!!

In a house rivalry that takes me back to Jake Pavelka's season when it was Vienna vs. Everybody Who Didn't Suck, right now the house is divided between Corinne vs. Functional Adults Who Know How to Cook Their Own Cheese Pasta and Chop Up Cucumbers.

From the preview, it looks like next week it will come down to Taylor vs. Corinne and you know what that usually means: a 2-on-1 date where SHIT GOES DOWN! I can't wait!

Lovely readers, are you doing Bachelor brackets? How are those going? What do you think of the season? Favorite ladies?

If you prefer listening over reading, be sure to subscribe to THE FANTASY SUITE, the amazing podcast that my wonderful friend Dava Krause and I record immediately after each episode. Check that out here:

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Bachelor Nick V. Episode 2: Do You Guys Know What Happened 9 Months Ago?????


I'm sorry that this recap is a bit late, but I had a bunch of stuff to take care of this morning, then an afternoon appointment at the lady doctor, then had to do some damage on a Subway Sandwich (double meat for life).  We have MUCH to discuss, jazzy cats.  Last night was only episode 2, but this season of The Bachelor is moving at hyper speed (they grow up so fast!) and we had bare boobs, the refrain of "we had sex" on a loop, and a dismissal!! All in episode frigging TWO!!!

Things kicked off with the ladies drinking mimosas after a few hours of sleep (goodness gracious ladies, pace yourselves! It's only the first day!) and Chris Harrison appeared to give them the low down: there's 22 of you and this week will see 2 group dates, a 1:1 date, and some ladies straight chilling at the Bachelor Mansion all week long.  Hope you brought a good book, homebodies.  JK! You aren't allowed to read or do anything but drink, tan, and talk about Nick!!

The first date card appears and the lucky lasses are Corinne (Tierra times ten), Vanessa (trilingual Mother Theresa with great hair), Sarah (smiley), Alexis (dolphin/shark/so Secaucus it hurts), Hailey (girl I predicted to be the house villain when I was just a young tyke and I underestimated Corinne), Lacey (NYC blonde girl who seems sweet... but a bit simple?), Brittany (bland brunette), Jasmine G. (beautiful NBA dancer), Raven (Arkansan Razorback), Danielle L. (manicure salon owner who rocked a J. Lo style low cut dress on night one), Taylor (23 year old shrink), Elizabeth W. (bland blonde).  The note card says "always a bridesmaid..." so you know what that means: load up the mid-sized Chevy convertibles and cruise down the Pacific Coast Highway cause it's time for a photo shoot in bridal wear!  And yes, bridal wear can mean a fake pregnancy belly (Bachelor producers had on hand from Claire's entrance during Juan Pablo's season), a set of costumes for an 80s style bridal party, and hell, a bikini bottom made of leaves!! Franco does what Franco wants!!

[Aside: Lordy Lordy that photographer Franco was a character, huh?  He reminded me of the kind of lecherous "photographers" who are always asking young starlets to take photos at his "studio" (apartment) then selling those sexy shots to US Weekly when said starlets grow up to be Madonna or Emily Ratajowski.]

Corinne brags that she has "never been a bridesmaid" (maybe because you have no friends?) and she is just a "natural born bride" (huh?) then throws a temper tantrum when Brittany's topless/leaf panties getup out sexes her comparatively modest white bikini top and veil.

Some people like to watch the sunset--I prefer to watch Corinne take it on the chin. 

The photo shoot goes down and in a move straight out of the hit show UNREAL, all of the girls watch as assorted brides have their way with groom Nick--posing with him, grabbing him, kissing him.  Alexis really commits to the shotgun bride thing and has a ton of fun, Taylor is dressed up for a princess wedding that looks more like a Quinceanera (poofy dress, tiara), Hailey has a "biker wedding,"and finally Corinne and Nick hop in the pool for their poor imitation of Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson's legendary surprise wedding in Cancun.  Corinne removes her white bikini top (a real shame because, as we all know, I LOVE a white bikini both on myself, and on Bachelor villains) and hugs Nick (who looks somewhat stunned/scared/horrified), then faces the camera and forces him to "do a Janet Jackson" and cup her breasts from behind.  Goodness gracious, is THAT Janet's legacy?  Not her amazing work on Rythm Nation?  Not her friggin' Herb Ritts video for "Love Will Never Do"  (SO GOOD)?  Not her plea to the youth of America to keep it in their pants with "Let's Wait a While?" Cupping tits?  Bah.

Franco the photographer is a creep and a half (or maybe he was just SUPER euro?)) so of course he awards Corinne the "winner" (was the prize a cruise down the driveway in the back of a Chevy convertible?) and adds to how insufferable she is.

Later at the after party Taylor drops the wisest line of the night: "I've met girls like Corinne before and they're not my friends" (AMEN) as Jasmine G. says that Corinne needs to CALM DOWN because she looks thirsty as hell.

Corinne's mantra, though, seems to be THIRSTY SCHMIRSTY as she interrupts Nick and a girl THREE times (with TWO times reserved for Taylor, so maybe a total of four times? I hate math) and tells him that she wears her heart on her sleeve (yeah ya do) and kisses him repeatedly.  Aside from Corinne, Jasmine G. and Lacey both get kisses from Nick, Alexis has a fun conversation with him, and Raven gets the third degree from him.

Later on, Corinne gives all of the women a very unnecessary tough love speech about how things work on The Bachelor (oh won't you tell us, fellow contestant who has never been here but has also had access to network television for the past few decades?) and in so many words remind them that they aren't here to make friends (you sure as hell aint), and they have to get used to interruptions, and that you can only be here for YOURSELF, no matter what.  I get what she's saying, but her brain seems like a really sad, sad place to dwell.  Also, she's been drinking to much.

As if things couldn't get worse, Nick joins the ladies to finish off the night and hands the rose to Corinne!  You are creating a monster, Mr. Viall. Corinne sounds like Ivanka Trump, saying: "my dad would be proud, even thought I was naked--he would be proud."

Back at the house, Liz the Doula is playing a remix of her favorite record on repeat: 9 months ago / Jade and Tanner's wedding / I kissed him first / We had sex / 9 months ago / Jade and Tanner's wedding / I kissed him first / We had sex / 9 months ago / Jade and Tanner's wedding / I kissed him first / We had sex / 9 months ago / Jade and Tanner's wedding / I kissed him first / We had sex / 9 months ago / Jade and Tanner's wedding / I kissed him first / We had sex / 9 months ago / Jade and Tanner's wedding.  That one never gets old, now does it?

Liz wants to confide in someone and who better to reveal her casual sexcapades than Christen, a 25-year-old virgin from Oklahoma who is saving herself for marriage!!!???  Great call, Liz!! Christen seems pretty stunned by this revelation and as we go to commercial, we see a shot of a deflated, pink swan float, the universal sign for SHIT IS ABOUT TO GO DOWN!! And it's not Liz on Nick--it's emotional stuff!!

The next day, Danielle M. (neonatal nurse from WI, blonde) and Nick head out for a 1:1 date that resembles an episode of RICH DICKS (Kroll Show RIP): a  helicopter ride to a yacht where they sip bubbly and make out in a hot tub.

That night over "dinner" (2 drinks apiece--what is this, my favorite meal at Hamilton College?) Nick gives a friggin' monologue about his dating history with Andi and Kaitlyn (just me, or did he sound pretty self-impressed?) and then Danielle M. pulls out the big guns and reveals that her ex-fiancee died of a drug overdose and she found him.  Not that this is the Heartbreak Olympics (it is), but Danielle M. wins for tragedy.  They kiss, he gives her a rose, then they make out on a ferris wheel.

The next day is another group date and the gang is Christen (do you love her wackadoo hair scarves or is that just me?), Josephine (wearing a top straight outta a West Roxbury grandmother's couch cushion cover), Astrid (poor man's Vanessa), Jaimie (curly blonde hair), Kristina (adoptee Rusky), Liz (OH SHIT NICK YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE GOTTEN YOURSELF INTO).

The ladies get dressed up in a uniform of wedge heels, daisy dukes, and flowy tops (goodness gracious it's like they bought every item in Raven's Arkansas boutique) and head to Hollywood where they look at an exhibit in the Museum of Broken Relationships and then watch a "live symposium" of breakups (oh you mean a shitty improv show?).  Each girl must dump Nick (HONK!) and most of them have fun with it and are silly, except for Josephine (who slaps him across the face HARD) and Liz (SURPRISE SURPRISE).  Liz reads him a bizarro letter about how they met and Christen, the only person who has any clue what is going on, is like...

In her letter, Liz says that she wishes Nick had "fought for me" which is weird because HE asked for YOUR digits, girl, and YOU said no.  Nick refuses to play along and basically gives her nothing, which was painful to watch and also amazing.

Nick rocks a camo shirt at the after party (great pick!) and says "I'm living my nightmare" before diving into a night of conversations with the ladies during which he tries to stay focused while thinking, "oh shit did Liz tell them all that we had sex / 9 months ago / at Jade and Tanner's wedding / we had sex / 9 months ago?"  Nobody brings it up (and he seems to have solid chats with all the ladies) until Christine who drops the bombshell (while looking gorgeous--she's cute as a button).

Nick then pulls Liz aside and asks her straight up why she's here--she could have given him her number when he asked for it (9 MONTHS AGO), she could have connected with him via mutual friends if she had wanted to, why now? Her answers are nonsensical--he was going on Bachelor In Paradise (OK, for 1 month out of those infamous NINE) and she hates talking on the phone (who doesn't?).

For a girl being dumped on national TV, Liz sure is smiley! But it's a pretty creepy smile.
Nick makes a good call (that he really should have made on night one) and says that it's best for them both if they say goodnight.  Liz waders off down the Sunset Strip and opens up a new Doula shop in Hollywood (I can only assume).

But DoulaGate has only just begun, dear readers: Since Christen knows and the ladies will eventually notice that Liz is missing (dammit), Nick has got to tell them the truth: that he and Liz had sex, 9 months ago, at Jade and Tanner's wedding (THE RE-REMIX).  Nick starts ripping off the Band Aid immediately, telling the ladies at the after party the truth.  Astrid grabs her face (or was it Jaimie in a Vanessa mask? Who knows) and you better believe there will be tears as the other women learn the truth.

I gotta quote Chris Harrison and say that this may have been the MOST DRAMATIC second episode ever!! Thoughts?  Concerns? Celebrations?

Click here to listen to me and my pal Dava talk about this episode! It's hilarious!

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Bachelor Nick Premier: A Very Thirsty First Night

Hello, lovely readers!! Welcome back to another season of The Bachelor during which I will be often live-tweeting the action (@SelenaCoppock), talking smack with my pal Dava Krause on our podcast The Fantasty Suite and, as you must know because you are here, writing brilliant recaps here on my blog.  It’s the most wonderful time of the year!  My life has meaning again!  2017 won’t be a living nightmare—Nick Viall and the gals will save us!

ABC served up 2 heaping plates of Bach on Sunday and Monday nights.  Sunday night we had the “Countdown to Nick” special, in which we saw Nick run topless along Lake Michigan, we met a few of the ladies, we heard good luck messages from Bach alums such as Armpit Tats (Josh aka Andi’s ex and the video was filmed at an angle to quite literally showcase his armpit tattoos), we got updates on Bachelor couples, and Chris Harrison said that this season would be “the most controversial in the history of EVER” and I DIED. I sorta LOVE that the show is embracing their overused (but beloved) phrases. 

Then last night we got into the action—Nick reflected on his previous heartbreaks, Nick’s family gave him advice, and we got a TAINT SHOT as Nick hopped into the shower post-jog.  Oh, and the ladies arrived and there were a WHOLE LOTTA LADIES IN RED! 

But before the arrivals, Nick took a walk down memory lane, reflecting on his season with Andi (when all of other guys HATED him), his season with Kaitlyn (when all of the other guys HATED him but it was more understandable because he showed up a month late), and Bachelor In Paradise (when America discovered that he’s actually a pretty funny, self-aware, cool guy). 

Nick met up with former Bachelors Ben Higgins, Sean Lowe, and Chris Soules to get some pre-show advice (pro tip: don’t take any advice from Chris because he proposed to a corny girl who he didn’t even like that much). Ben gave a RUDY-inspired speech to get Nick fired up while Chris Soules smiled and burned my retinas with teeth as white as Donald Trump’s voting bloc. 

Finally, it was time for Nick to suit up (he looked SHARP, I must admit) and head back to a place where he has spent a whole lotta time: The Bachelor Mansion.

It's Nick arriving at the Bachelor Mansion yet again!

We got some hometown previews from a handful of ladies: Rachel does civil litigation which is the type of law my father practiced, so I love her; Danielle owns 3 nail salons and has amazing hair; Josephine is a lil too kooky for my taste; Raven owns a boutique that sells horrifying peasant-style blouses but I like her because she’s from Arkansas, like much of my family; Alexis LOVES dolphins (holy foreshadowing, Batman); and Elizabeth hooked up with Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. WHAAAT? Yeah. More on that later.

Let’s get to the arrivals!  Producers hosed down the Bachelor manse driveway (standard) and the limos rolled in.  We met….

-Danielle L. (the small biz owner) with tits out! Her low-cut, black dress was HOT and Nick certainly noticed.
-Elizabeth (marketing manater, Dallas TX) wore a white dress, blonde hair, nothing special.
-Rachel (Dallas attorney) rocked a sparkly red dress and made a joke about Bachelor fantasy teams—solid start.
-Christen (wedding videographer) made a bold choice with her yellow dress and yellow fan, and total rocked the look. She’s a LIL cheesy for me (BIG hair), but a cute girl with fun taste.
-Taylor (Seattle therapist, 23) wore a drab maroon dress that felt like Calvin Klein circa 1986 and immediately told Nick her friends hate him and think he’s a “complete piece of shit.” Cool intro, bro. Blech. NO THANK YOU!
-Kristina, 24, dental hygienist, royal blue dress, brunette. We learned in the Sunday episode that she was adopted out of an orphanage in Russia, so expect that tear jerker of a life story to come out and win her a rose in a few weeks’ time.
-Angela, 26, model, South Carolina (oh yeah, the booming modeling mecca of South Carolina) in a red dress with Ice Capades-style cut outs. Not my favorite.
-Lauren, 30, “law school grad” (ummm wanna take the bar, kiddo?), whose style I must say I LOVED: blonde hair, sparkly, champagne-colored dress. Yes yes yes! Too bad her opening joke (“Your last name sucks and so does mine!”) was super misguided and fell flat. 
-Michelle, 24, food truck owner, joke about lemons into lemonade, not much there.
-Dominique, 25, coral dress, perfect curls—looking great, friendly intro, well played.
-Ida Marie, 23, lacey blue dress with WHITE SHOES (no no no no no) who you may remember from the questionnaires (released a few weeks back) as the girl who doesn’t have a favorite author OR a favorite book because she doesn’t read. Yikes.
-Olivia, 25, Alaska native so she teaches Nick an Eskimo kiss and wears a fur—perfect intro!
-Sarah, 26, very smiley, literally RUNS toward Nick and jokes that she thought he’d appreciate “another runner up”—very sweet.
-Jasmine G, 29, pro basketball dancer rocking a gorgeous turquoise dress. She brought Neil Lane with her in the limo—cute move, funny, memorable.
-Hailey, 23, was originally my pick to be the house nightmare and her opening joke lived up to that:
Hailey: “Do you know what a girl wearing underwear says?”
Nick: “I don’t”
Hailey: “Neither do I”
GET IT, NICK?? She’s GOING COMMANDO! Do you get it? Beneath that red dress (cliché AF), there are NO PANTIES!! Wowie wowie wowiw!! Are we in ninth grade?

Hailey kicked off a chunk of ladies who I found MUCH TOO SEXUAL for (1) primetime, network television; and (2) night 1 with a guy you hardly know! Have I become a complete prude in my later 30s? Did anyone else feel that way? It was just TOO MUCH too soon and MUCH too thirsty!!

But I digress. More arrivals:

-Astrid (26, plastic surgery office manager) rocking a fierce fuscia dress, long brown hair. She speaks German about her sex life and breasts—huh? We’re 45 minutes into the show. Am I an old school marm?
-Liz (26, Doula) looking beautiful in a sparkly, navy dress with brown hair curled and to one side (love) who we learn had sex with Nick after Jade and Tanner’s wedding. Again, yeeeeeow. Is it just me, or do you feel like the phrase “hooked up with” would have been used in years past? Am I a dweebus? Either way, she never gives Nick her name, they have a very strange interaction in which you can SEE Nick wracking his brain for her name. She walked away and Nick’s expression seemed to say “woa these producers have some tricks up their sleeves.”
-Corinne (24, “runs” her parents' company and claims to be a businesswoman, Miami) wearing a cute maroon dress, blonde hair curled. Gives Nick a hug token like some sort of currency manipulator.
-Vanessa (28, special ed teacher, Montreal) wearing a very flattering and very unique black dress with white stripes. She speaks French to him—very cute.
-Danielle M. (31, neo natal nurse) wears a dark red dress with hip cut outs (hard to pull off) and gives him maple syrup made by her father (well, her father and a tree) and makes Nick lick it off her shaking fingers. Gross. Don’t we all know what syrup tastes like? Was the finger lick really necessary?
-Raven (25, Arkansas native) wears a gorgeous, super sparkly dress that contrasts nicely against her dark hair. Like a good Arkansan, Raven enters with a “Pig Soooey” call (which we once did in my childhood backyard when my father hosted an Arkansas party). Very cute.
-Jaimi, 28, chef. One of the only girls to wear a cocktail-length dress, curly blonde hair. Makes a joke about Nick having balls and she has balls, meaning her nose ring. OK.
-Briana (28, surgical nurse), we don’t learn much.
-Susannah (26, account manager) wears a super chaste maroon dress, gives Nick a beard massage. Meh.
-Josephine (24, nursing student) who walks up with a book (that I initially mistook for a clutch and I was like, YES GIRL bring along some lipstick and powder for touch ups!) but NO, it’s a book with the pages cut out and inside she has placed a hot dog so that she can make the God awful pun “you’re a weiner in my book.” I hate everything about this. No no no.  I am legit ALLERGIC to puns, I find hot dogs pretty disgusting, and the thought of eating a raw one is abhorrent. Blech.
-Brittany (26, travel nurse) wears a red dress and seems to make a proctology joke. No thank you.
-Jasmine B. (25, flight attendant) also wears a red dress, is forgettable.
-Whitney (pilates instructor) wears a drapey red dress, who cares.
-Lacey (25, digital marketing manager) arrives on a camel and repeatedly makes a joke about HUMPS and HUMPING (OMG we get it, girl).
-Alexis (23, aspiring dolphin trainer, NJ) rolls up in a dolphin costume and drops a pun (boo), but I dig this girl because she’s silly and knows how to stick with a joke, plus she literally deadpans “thank God I didn’t wear a red dress, too” which is the best.

Nick stumbles through his introductory remarks, which was quite charming. 

Finally it’s cocktail party time and we see the standard montage of Nick learning about each girl while other girls lurk in the shadows to “cut in.”  Corinne gives Nick a bag of hug tokens (please STOP with this lame gimmick, girl) and then later she jumps on him in order to land the first kiss (little does she know that Liz actually gave him the first kiss 9 months ago and it was the ‘ole kiss on the dick).  Jasmine G. has a lil meltdown, Alexis the Dolphin (it’s really a shark costume but I’ll indulge her) catches snacks in her mouth, goes swimming (no joke), then remarks that she wants to be the first dolphin to get a rose.

Nick and Liz have a chat on the front steps, before which Liz says the biggest, saddest lie of all time: “I’m kinda glad that he didn’t remember that we had sex—I like the mystery of it.” Sure ya do, girl. Oh man. This whole storyline makes me feel icky. 
"I just LOVE that Nick has ZERO recollection of spending an entire night with me!"

Thankfully, their awkward conversation is interrupted by Danielle (red dress with BAD cut outs) who shows Nick the worst gift of all time—a framed Carrie Bradshaw quote. Oh girl. No. Just no. Look, I’m a HUGE Sex and the City fan and I used to be a frigging tour guide on the Sex and the City Bus tour, but you don’t woo a dude with Carrie quotes.  You just don’t.  And I’m afraid that soon Danielle will be hearing a Miranda quote: he’s just not that into you.

Nick gives Rachel (TX lawyer, red dress) the first impression rose and watching Corrine process that disappointment was music to my eyes.  Before we know it, it’s rose ceremony time and the run down is:

-Vanessa – brunette in striped dress, made an impact, special ed teacher
-Danielle L. – aka TITS MCGEE in that black dress
-Christen – yellow dress sweetheart, busty
-Astrid – fuscia dress brunette
-Corinne – nightmare drama queen blonde UGH
-Elizabeth W. – white dress, blonde, early arriver, bland
-Jasmine G. – turquoise dress, black girl, gorgeous
-Raven – Arkansas, fun gal, dark hair
-Kristina – blue dress, eastern Euro accent, dark hair, sweet
-Danielle – blonde, red dress, neo natal nurse
-Sarah – jogged in, cute, smiley, light white/purple dress
-Josephine – blonde hair, red dress, she’s shocked, goofy, weiner girl
-Lacey – blonde, red dress NYC, camel gal
-Taylor – maroon dress, dark hair whose friends HATE him
-Alexis – dolphin girl!! YES!! Cute. 
-Hailey – red dress semi-evil Canadian
-Whitney – pilates instructor, red dress, yawn
-Dominique – salmon dress, gorgeous
-Jaimie – girl with balls, nose piercing thing, curly hair
-Britney – red dress travel nurse
-Liz – Doula girl – A rose for a hump, hey hey!

So the crew who were rejected in favor of a dolphin are: 
-Olivia the Alaska girl (too bad!)
-Angela who shared Carrie Bradshaw quote in frame (BAD MOVE)
-Susannah who gave him a beard massage (huh?)
-Lauren - blonde in sparkly dress who insulted Nick’s last name (bad joke, girl)
-Briana - nurse girl in sparkly dress
No big shockers there.

This looks like a good season with Corinne serving as the new Olivia/Courtney/girl who didn’t come here to make friends, Alexis the Dolphin Girl as Miss. Congeniality, Rachel serving as a major front runner, and Chris Harrison acting as our strong and steady tour guide through the raging rapids of love.

What did you think of episode 1? Sexier than in years past? Thirstier? Who are your favorites?