Bachelor Nick V. Episode 3: Doulagate, Naps, and a Lil Boot N Rally

Amigos!

On Monday night The Bachelor picked up right where we'd left off--with the ladies living in STD Shack processing the fact that Liz "Joker Smile Doula" Janner Friend humped Nick 9 months pre-Bach and he had just sent her home.

We were heading into a rose ceremony (rough timing) and Nick arrived at the house to face an onslaught of gorgeous ladies who wanted more information, like the strangest press conference of all time. Nick gave it to them straight, saying "we had sex... but here's the thing--I asked for her number, but she said that she wasn't in the right place and wanted to leave that night to be that night." I get what he's saying and I get why he added the disclaimer of "I asked for her number! I couldn't possibly be a sleeze!" but I also wonder what the more conservative girls in the house (cough Christen cough) think of this behavior.  Nick tells the ladies that he's an open book and he's happy to answer any questions about DoulaGate, but the gals are pretty quick to pull a Fozen and just let it go (a joke for my mom friends out there! Frozen, huh? Am I two years behind? Do the tykes still love that one?).

Nick has a few conversations about it (the one with Lacey the NYC gal seems pretty uncomfortable) and Nick says to Danielle L. that "I was more concerned about you guys" meaning, I was more concerned about what you guys WOULD THINK OF ME.  Oh Nick, it's always about you, isn't it?  Nick has a good chat with Raven (whose style keeps getting better) and Hailey (who he toasts marshmallows with) before Corinne whisks him away for a surprise that requires her to dress up as Inspector Gadget.  That surprise is, essentially, 2 pillows and a can of Reddi Whip on the front driveway, where she tries to impress him with her use of whipped cream (holy 9th grade rec room action, gang!) but mostly succeeds in creeping him out.  In a voice over, we hear Nick saying that he's a bit gun shy about sexy stuff in light of DoulaGate, so when Jasmine G. interrupts Nick and Corinne in their poor man's Varsity Blues situation, he's eager to bounce.

This prompts Corinne to scramble back into the house and WEEP, which, I gotta admit, is an even more pleasurable thing to watch than when she's simply jealous and disappointed.  Post-sob fest, Corinne crawls into bed with her rose and sleeps through the rose ceremony.

YES--CORINNE SKIPPED THE ROSE CEREMONY to sleep in a trenchcoat with a flower and got away with it.  Somebody cue up mama's favorite Chris Harrison ditty: THAT IS UNPRECEDENTED!! Is there no rule of law in the Bachelor Mansion!? Come on! I want some RULES in this house!!!

Nick realizes that Corinne's not there, but continues with the rose anyway because sometimes, the show must go on, and, annoying as she may be, she's a "hot" (to some) 24 year-old who is throwing herself at him, and most guys can't say no to that.

Corinne and Danielle M. already have roses, then he gives them out to:

-Astrid (maroon dress and cool necklace. She seems a lil boring, but has good style)
-Taylor (COOL black dress with neat cut outs and a stylish braid hairdo)
-Whitney (highly forgettable brunette in a gold dress)
-Kristina (Eastern Euro adoptee, seems sweet but maybe not the most playful? Cute dress though)
-Danielle L. (looking gorgeous in a red dress, great make-up)
-Rachel (first impression rose gal looking good in a sparkly grey dress)
-Vanessa (amazing, light, flowy dress; killer make-up; yes yes yes)
-Raven (light, lacey dress that contrasts nicely against her dark hair and tan skin)
-Jaimie (red dress, curly blonde hair, seems like a cool customer)
-Dominique (loving her retro hairstyle and pink/black dress)
-Sarah (always smiley, blue patterned dress, very cute)
-Alexis (Dolphin girl keeps on swimming! Nice red dress, great sense of humor)
-Brittney (does nothing for me, black dress, am I a monster?)
-Josephine (her hair and make-up are looking spectacular, fantastic dress)

So hitching a ride on JetBlue flight 6969 back to Loserville, Population: YOU are Hailey (who was straight up NOT wearing enough clothing), Lacey (blonde NYC gal who I was pulling for, but anyone who can get along with Corinne that well is probably a nightmare), and Elizabeth (was always pretty snooze-worthy, but cute yellow dress for the exit).

The next day we kick off another week with 18 ladies and Nick. Chris Harrison informs the women that this week, the producers have outdone themselves with the date activities.  And he's not kidding.
The group date card arrives and Danielle L., Christen (a girl who knows and loves volume at the crown as much as I do), Kristina, Whitney, Taylor, Jasmine G., and Corinne quickly learn that they will be spending a day with the Backstreet Boys and serving as their backup dancers for a concert that night.  Danielle L. and Jasmine G. are fired up because they are both great dancers, while Corinne is anxious because she's a terrible dancer AND has no short term memory (ha--I'm sorry--that killed me).

During the day of dancing with married men who call themselves "Boys," Corinne absolutely unravels, saying that she feels uncomfortable, self-conscious, and jealous.  Oh how the mighty have fallen!  Before you know it, 500 randoms are assembled in a dark airplane hanger, the Boys are singing, and Nick & his Ladies take the stage for some live dancing.  Everybody seems to do well (minus Corinne) but Danielle L. impresses the Backstreet Bois the most, so she wins a slow dance with Nick (onstage--so awkward) while the Boys sing an a cappella version of "I Want It That Way."  Danielle L. and Nick make out while slow dancing and Corinne has a psychotic break upon witnessing this, which the Bach editors play up with echo sounds and a few fuzzy camera shots--amazing cinematography.

That night at the after party (which, sadly, the Backstreet Boys did NOT attend) before the crew can have a sip of a drink post-cheers, Corinne jumps on Nick and takes him aside.  The "slit" up the side of her periwinkle Forever 21 dress is more of a giant chunk that is missing, but I suppose it's a step up from a Carmen Sandiego trench coat. Once they are alone she explains to Nick that she has trouble with "planned dancing" (she means choreography but that word has 5 syllables, so it's too complex), she apologizes for sleeping through the last rose ceremony ("I slept through my rose ceremony alarm.... err... the dog ate my... rose?") and says that she doesn't need to talk to the other girls because that's all fine (then we cut to a montage of the other girls calling her rude, disrespectful, entitled).  Now that Corinne feels confident again, she lays down her head for a long winter's nap just like in the ole St. Nick poem.

Nick and Danielle L. play grab ass and talk, then later all of the ladies assemble to hear an assortment of Corinne's verbal diarrhea (not to be confused with vomit WHICH IS COMING RIGHT UP, Bachelor Nation!): she wants a tiny bobby job, she has a "nanny" named Raquel who is the only person who can properly make her "cheesy pasta" (ya mean mac and cheese? ravioli? Good Lord the public school system failed you---or maybe your parents did?), she doesn't make her own bed or wash her own clothes, she is a job creator and so Raquel should appreciate her.  Jasmine G. has had enough so she makes a "talk to the hand" gesture and walks off to the bathroom to engage in America's favorite pastime: talking shit.  I love it and I love Jasmine.

Finally, Nick joins the ladies and hands gives the date rose to Danielle L. Halleluiah!  Also, am I the only one who is truly disgusted by Corinne's helplessness?  It's not a good look, Florida.

The next day is a 1:1 date with Vanessa (gorgeous Mother Theresa Canadian brunette) and the couple suits up in mechanic-style bodysuits, hops on a Zero G plane, and goes up then down then up so that they experience total weightlessness.  Nick and Vanessa enjoy floating and kicking and kissing while swirling around sans gravity, but soon they are "back to reality" when Vanessa starts vomiting. Oh man. This made me laugh SO hard.  What a nightmare.  Vanessa handled it with aplomb, though, and Nick, to his credit, was very chill about the whole thing.  Hey, sometimes your body just isn't ready to float like an astronaut so you boot, rally, pop some gum in your mouth, and keep on kissing!

Fear not, Vanessa--Nick gets this response from a LOT
of women when he tries to cuddle with them.

That night then enjoy a lovely "dinner" (drinks--notice that Vanessa had a glass or water--poor girl was probsies still dehydrated from all that PUKING) at the tallest building in LA (what, 8 floors up or so?) and talk about dead relatives, family, and flowers, which literally brings Nick to tears. Vanessa very astutely asks Nick why the heck he would do this AGAIN, when he has been through it all so many times?  He says he's still optimistic and gives her the rose, then they kiss and canoodle.  Very cute.  Ya see, Corinne, THAT is how it's done!

The next day is a track and field group date for Rachel (first date rose, has been stuck at house since then), Alexis (BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN'S #1 FAN I BET), Astrid (I'm sorry, but she's a snooze-a-thon to me), Jaimie (seems spunky), Sarah (smiley), Brittany (zzzz wake me up with she gets sent away), Dominique (FINALLY! She has been stuck at the house all this time and, as she said, that isn't date, that's just WAITING! Haaaay!).

The ladies dress up like an ad for Kate Hudson's new activewear line (that has been the subject of some controversy because the bums on those yoga pants are showing butt!!!) and meet Nick on a track, where 3 former U.S. Olympic Athletes inform them that today's date is a Nick-ath-alon.  There will be a long jump, a javelin throw, and a high jump (which, I gotta admit, I was pretty OK at during my middle school track days--mostly just an excuse to hang out at the track watch super cool high schoolers).  Dominique gets into her head, Alexis and Rachel dominate, and Astrid wears a bra without enough support.

Finally, the Olympians declare that Rachel, Alexis, and Astrid will go on to the final round: a 100 yard dash to a giant faux blood diamond which one women must grab, then run to the a hot tub that has been set up ON the track (love it) for some alone time with Nick.

Rachel gets to the ring first, but is running so fast that she knocks it off.  Alexis is right behind her, but can't get the ring in time, so 3rd place Astrid is able to snap up part of it (while Rachel mistakenly steps on the other part).  Inexplicably, this bizarro dash ends with Astrid STILL IN HER YOGA PANTS, in the hot tun with Nick.  Holy yeast infection, ladies!!  Dominique feels defeated.

That night the after party, Dominique continues to spiral and, bless those gals, the other ladies offer her advice, encouragement, and support.  Nick chats with each woman an when he gets to Dominique, she LAUNCHES into some obviously prepared remarks that are pretty jarring and aggressive.  I can see how Nick may have felt a bit stunned by all of it and his response to her litany of issues is to simply say that he needs to follow his gut and send her home.  I feel that.  Sometimes too much drama and hurt feelings THAT early is a bad indicator of what could be to come.  Dominique gives Nick a tearful hug goodbye, Rachel gets the date rose (2nd rose outside a rose ceremony!), and the ladies head back to the mansion.

The next day is a POOL PARTY (which is probably pretty anti-climactic when it's the pool that you sit by all day because you are effectively a concubine): 17 girls, 1 Nick, and 1 bouncy castle.  Lordy Lordy.  Raven's yellow bikini is killer, Alexis looks awesome and cracks me up, and Corinne is busy contouring upstairs while saying that the other women seem desperate. Ha! Good one, bro.

Mid-party, Corinne calls Nick to the driveway where she has a pink bounce castle for them to jump in and a pair of thighs for her to wrap around his crank.  Stay classy, Florida.  The other woman witness this display, are all pretty offended by it, and they join forces to each bring it up to Nick individually. Way to go, ladies!!  While Corinne slumbers away (yes, she goes to sleep AGAIN as the party continues), Raven warns Nick that he's making a huge mistake and that Corinne is a helpless child, Jasmine G. and Taylor both confront him about the signals he is sending to the other women, and Vanessa drops the hammer with the line, "I question what your intentions are... I'm not judging Corinne, I'm judging YOUR actions."  YES YES YES!!!

In a house rivalry that takes me back to Jake Pavelka's season when it was Vienna vs. Everybody Who Didn't Suck, right now the house is divided between Corinne vs. Functional Adults Who Know How to Cook Their Own Cheese Pasta and Chop Up Cucumbers.

From the preview, it looks like next week it will come down to Taylor vs. Corinne and you know what that usually means: a 2-on-1 date where SHIT GOES DOWN! I can't wait!

Lovely readers, are you doing Bachelor brackets? How are those going? What do you think of the season? Favorite ladies?

If you prefer listening over reading, be sure to subscribe to THE FANTASY SUITE, the amazing podcast that my wonderful friend Dava Krause and I record immediately after each episode. Check that out here: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-fantasy-suite/id1072808624?mt=2

Bachelor Ben H. Ep 1: Four Laurens and a Funeral--I Mean Unicorn

Dear readers, The Bachelor is back! As the song about Bachelor premiere night croons, “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” and no one is more excited than yours truly. With each Bachelor season, I emerge from a cocoon filled with snark and am reborn, ready to talk smack with fresh eyes and metaphors. 

This season’s bachelor is Ben Higgins, a 26 year-old software salesman who hails from Warsaw, Indiana and insists that he’s a “normal guy” (but a normal guy with a killer body, Peter Brady-like face, and perfect teeth). We watched Ben shoot hoops at sunset by a barn, attend his high school homecoming football game, and lean up against a tree while staring longingly at the flat landscape of Hoosier Land. This guy is so damn American I bet that his farts sound like a haunting rendition of the Star Spangled Banner and that John Cougar Mellencamp is his godfather.

Bachelor Nation embraced Ben last season when he confessed to Kaitlyn that his greatest fear is being unlovable. I’ll admit that he won me over in that moment because—not to get too Dr. Phil on ya, but I’m about to—isn’t that such a universal fear?  We each plod through life hoping to find a partner and engaging in flirty bullshit on Tinder or OKCupid or at the local hotspot, but underneath all of the snarky artifice, we all just want to be loved and fear that somehow, we don’t qualify for the club.  Oh Bachelor, you are more than a show about bikini shots and open bar—you’re a show about the human condition.

Where was I?

Yes yes, we get the standard opening items: Ben cruising in a killer vintage Mustang down the Pacific Coast Highway (how very Brandon Walsh circa Beverly Hills Beach Club era), Ben getting advice from 3 previous bachelors (maybe not the best idea and Prince Farming Chris Soules admits as much), and Ben chatting with his sweet parents. There are tears within the first 10 minutes of the episode and they’re from Ben’s charming mother, but there’s more where that came from!

The producers serve up some preview footage and we meet a few gals, but that’s no guarantee that their storylines will play out (I’m looking at you, Tiara).  Let’s get to the good part: the limo arrivals.  

As Chris Harrison said to Ben after a helpful hug, “let the journey begin.” 

-Lauren B, 25, a knockout flight attendant who LOVES the beach!  In a weird moment of life imitates art imitates life imitates art (or something), Lauren is a look-alike and act-alike of Anna from The Bachelor parody show on Lifetime, UnReal. Don't you see it?

Reality TV blonde TWINS!!! 

-Caila, a dark haired software saleswoman who lives in Boston (so, yes, I’m blindly in her corner) and runs then jumps into Ben’s arms. She’s funny and likeable.

-Jennifer, 25, a brunette from Florida who subtly negs Ben with the line “you’re pretty handsome
 then makes a joke that “Ben + Jen is too cute to forget,” though I bet that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez and Jennifer Garner would beg to differ.

-Jami, 23, bartender from Canada who is rocking killer white separates and tan heels (that’s how it’s done, kids) and she’s pals with former Bachelorette Kaitlyn. Sometimes The Bachelor feels like the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disney Land, but instead of an assortment of different races, it’s mostly just white/very tan/light skinned black people who are all stunners and all friends. 

-Samantha, 26, Florida law school student who we met earlier and she lead with the death of her father. To me, during her entrance she seemed either already tipsy or just a bit of a kookoo bird in general. Thoughts?

-Jubilee, 24, war veteran, rocking a KILLER white dress who seemed to knock Ben on his ass (figuratively, though we know that she could do it literally, also). 

-Amanda, 25, divorced esthetician with 2 kids who is certainly beautiful, but whose voice is a stunning mix of high-pitched child and also valley girl.  How does she do it?

-Lace, 25, real estate agent who needs to learn some boundaries. Sure, she’s beautiful and her dress choice is on point (lacey—get it, black, drapey), but she asks Ben to close his eyes and plants a kiss on him. Someone teach this girl about affirmative consent! Also teach her how to open her damn mouth and quit holding so much tension in her jaw!

-Lauren R, a math teacher who tells Ben that she has been stalking him on social media and then recites information ABOUT him TO him (super creepy).  He asks for her name 3x and she never hears him—great listener, that one!

-Shushanna, 27, mathematician who speaks Russian and forces Bachelor Nation to read in order to understand what she’s saying. Come on, Ruskie Girl—we didn’t get into The Bachelor to read!

-Leah, 25, blonde event planner whose look is completely my style (sparkly dress, blonde, side hair) but she pushes the GONE GIRL phenomenon of the “cool girl” a little too far for me. We get it, you’re a knockout who likes football! Let me guess, ya also like whiskey and you’re not like other girls? Yeah yeah yeah.

-Joelle/Jojo, I didn’t catch her age because she entered wearing a frigging UNICORN MASK! I don’t know why I have such a strong reaction to those masks, but the horse/unicorn mask trend gives me the CREEPS and completely freaks me out. No thank you.

IS THIS NOT TERRIFYING?? 

-Lauren H, 25, kindergarten teacher who subverts gender roles by throwing a bouquet at Ben. I like it, even if her Midwest accent is like a jackhammer to my delicate east coast ears.

-Laura, 24, redhead from Kentucky who tells Ben to call her “Red Velvet.” Girl, let me shoot you straight: everybody love that cupcake, but nobody likes that nickname.  Your fate is sealed.

-Mandi, 28, dentist from Portland Oregon who LOVES weird stuff (OF COURSE she does! Did Portlandia teach us nothing?) but pulls off a fierce white dress and even looks OK in an oversized rose headpiece. She’s a weirdo, but a hot weirdo, so she gets a pass (I don’t make the rules! Society does!)

It's weird, but she sorta pulls it off.

-Haley and Emily, 22 going on 13, blonde twins from Las Vegas whose story arc will inevitably be about how they start off like a package deal—sisters and besties! Then after a few weeks the demand to be treated as unique individuals. I give them 4 weeks max.

-Maegan, 30, cowgirl who rolls up with a baby pony, bad hair, and awful shoes. Bye, Felicia (may I confess that I don’t even know where that catchphrase is from but I just love saying it?)

-Breanne, 30 (a Bachelor senior citizen), nutritional therapist who walks up with a basket full of bread a violent anti-gluten agenda. Blech. Go back to your juice cleanse.

-Isabel “Izzy,” 24 from CT who probably thought it would be really cute and quirky to wear a onesie but probably quickly realized that the other women in the house would be actually LOOKING GOOD in there. Bad call. Also, didn’t she remind you of Lucy the “Free Spirit” from Juan Pablo’s season?

-Rachel, 23, unemployed brunette Arkansan who cruised in on a hoverboard (ugh).

-Jessica, 23, accountant with brown hair, sparkly black dress who didn’t leave much of an impression.

-Tiara, 27, chicken enthusiast who should have worn her hair down (trust me).

-Lauren “LB,” 23, brunette fashion buyer who rolled up in a pink bandage dress. Where is she a buyer for—the year 2005? Come on.

-Jackie, 23, brown hair and red gown who gave Ben a Save the Date card for their wedding. Subtle, simple, demure.

-Olivia, 23, blonde news anchor (you could SMELL the “late breaking story” a mile away) who was rocking a killer silver dress (so many metallics this season—I was in heaven!) and nice dimples.

This next question isn’t helping the disprove the stereotype that all people from Boston are Irish, but as I looked at all of those women’s backs last night (so many backless dresses!), I couldn’t help but wonder: Where are the freckles?? Do NONE of these girls have ANY freckles? Am I an alien in my freckly body? Even the redhead—what’s up the porcelain skin and ZERO freckles? Seriously, what is going on here?

But I digress.

Ben quickly called his parents then headed into the house where Competitive Flirting kicked off before Ben could even finish saying “my wife could be in this room” thanks to Mandi’s aggressive approach. Yowza.

Just when the ladies got comfortable, a bombshell was dropped in the form of 2 familiar bombshells: Becca and Amber from Chris Soules’ season. Becca still loves tan lipstick and Amber is looking good which incenses the ladies (mostly Lace and Mandi). Lace starts in on the weird needy mindgames as soon as Ben talks to her and he plays into that dynamic, seeking her out to reassure her (ON NIGHT ONE!?!?!) and trying to assuage her fears. Oh Ben, you’re about to get in way over your head with this one.

Olivia the newscaster scores the first impression rose (which stuns Mandi since she kept calling herself the first impression rose) and before we know it, the Rose Ceremony is upon us.  I won’t bore you with the run down, but I’ll share these important items:

-Lace was given the last rose (STEW IN YOUR OWN ANXIOUS SWEAT, WEIRDO) and she had WORDS for Ben after that. You can truly live a year’s worth of ups and downs and relationship drama in a single night—just ask Lace! I give her 3-4 episodes before Ben realizes that Lace is his season’s Tierra (from Sean’s season--a ton of drama and not interesting enough to justify it). 

-Who was sent packing on night 1? Baby pony girl (that will teach you to wear sensible boots into the Bachelor Mansion!), Tiara (chicken enthusiast—welp, at least her beloved chickens will be happy), Breanne the gluten free chick, redhead Laura, forgettable Jessica, and Lauren R. (hattrick of not revealing her name). 

Ben seems like a simple, steady Bachelor, so the job of creating chaos falls on the tiny, unfrocked shoulders of these women, but I'm confident that they're up to the task.  

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Ep 4: Clint's Got the Vill Communication (and a Shiny Dome)

This week I'm again late with this recap and as usual, it's because I had a show on Monday night and too much going on and a few balls in the air and I'M SO EXCITED, I'M SO EXCITED, I'M SO.... SCARED? [BLACKOUT]

Last week's episode didn't end with a rose ceremony because Kupah was busy throwing a temper tantrum in the driveway while that ABC producer who looks like Krusty the Known tried to calm him down. Kaitlyn finally went outside and told him that he had to just accept it and move on (she's a Canadian Dr. Phil!) and after a while, he did.  He got into a van with drink in hand (much like my favorite character in the Trailer Park Boys) and buckled up for a long, drunken van ride back to Kickassachusetts.

Am I Kupah leaving the Bachelorette mansion or am I Julian from
The Trailer Park Boys? Either way, I've always got a drink in my hand. 

Once Kupah has left, it's time for a rose ceremony and poor Kaitlyn must be exhausted.  She eliminates two guys who failed to make a big impression.  How does the rose ceremony go down?  JJ and Clint have matching roses (more on that "Brokeback Bromance" later) and the other guys who score flowers are:
-Jared - he's back from his hospital trip with a faint black eye and a story that the gang back at the Warwick Applebee's will NEVER believe!
-Ben H. – dark haired guy who resembles a psycho douche
-Shawn – blonde trainer (who ISN'T a trainer in this crew?), pretty bland
-Jonathan – if Color Me Badd joined Miami Vice, it would be Jonathan
-Tanner – pointy nose guy who MUST have a personality in there, right?
-Chris – Cupcake dentist dweeb
-Ryan – Amazing what a pair of glasses can do, huh? Suddenly I like this guy!
-Justin – Not to be harsh... but... he's a dummy with a thumb for a face.
-Ian – SEX ON A STICK
-Joshua – redheaded cutie engineer
-Joe – squished face
-Cory E. – hot Rick Perry
-Tony - the bizarro "healer" who laments that he left his beloved bonsai trees at home.
So drunk face Daniel (fashion guy) and Cory (TX?) are heading home. Bye, boyz.

The next day Clint, Chris Cupcake, Healer Tony, JJ, Joe, and Shawn have a group date and the activity is sumo wrestling.  The dudes roll around while wearing man diapers and Joe shows off a nut.      Tony may be a weirdo "healer" but I gotta admit that he looks good with his shirt off and sunglasses on.  He hates the challenge, though, telling Kaitlyn that he doesn't enjoy the forced aggression (kinda good call, but dude, it's reality TV) and reminding her that he has "the heart of a warrior, spirit of a gypsy" and that he "views the world through the eyes of a child."  Could you ease up on the Hallmark proclamations, buddy?  Not surprisingly, he packs up his bag and leaves the Bachelor Mansion to see his precious bonsai trees.  He dons a baja for the big trip and I shrieked--OF COURSE the guy who is a "professional healer" owns and wears a baja!!!  

The next day is a 1:1 date and while Ben Z. (brick shithouse hottie) and Kaitlyn clutch each other inside a haunted house, sparks fly between newfound best friends forever JJ and Clint back at the Bach house.  We learn that Kaitlyn is deathly afraid of birds (and yet she has big tattoos of birds on BOTH of her arms) and Ben Z. is afraid of snakes in bathrooms. After the terror date they adjourn to Kaitlyn's house where they talk about dead mothers and further fulfill gender roles.  During their dip in her jacuzzi, Kaitlyn offers Ben a rose and stabs the pin into his bare chest (JK. I wish. What's so scary about snakes in shitters NOW, Benny Boy?).  

The next group date is Jonathan, Ben H., Joshua, Ryan, Jared, and Tanner and their super fun date activity is teaching Sex Ed to the precocious nightmare children of stage parents.  Joshua refers to a tampon as a "tampin" and call it "a little torpedo" then Ben H. makes a good impression by referring to himself as a sperm and Kaitlyn as an egg.  Somehow he scores a rose for that.  

Clint and JJ's homoerotic love affair continues thanks to a shared love of turtles.  They practice wrestling moves, spend time in the hot tub, and alienate every other guy in the house.  

Finally, it's time for another rose ceremony and the tension in the house is THICK as 13 guys tell Kaitlyn about Clint and JJ's odd behavior.  Before she learns that Clint is a shiny faced psychopath, he pulls her aside and lays it on thick (despite his admission that "Kaitlyn's not the girl for me") because he wants to stay in the house and hang out with his BFF, JJ.  Meanwhile, JJ's plugging forward because "she's The Bachelorette, she's the ultimate catch" (I appreciate your enthusiasm, kid, but please stop drinking the Kool Aid) and in his interview shots, he bears a striking resemblance to Steve Carrell in Foxcatcher, don't you think?  

Twins or BFFs? 

Clint and JJ enjoy a laugh at how Clint is manipulating Kaitlyn (which makes JJ a creepy accomplice who claims to be there with pure intentions) and Clint says "villains gotta vill" and then feels like it wasn't heard enough, so he REPEATS THE LINE.  Don't repeat your lame catchphrase, loser.  JJ calls the other 13 guys in the house "lemmings" and "JV croquet players" (is varsity croquet even a thing?).  Props to Kaitlyn for listening to these warnings and appreciating the honesty of the other guys in the house.  In The Bachelor, usually the lady who warns the Bachelor about a bad egg is NOT trusted and banished for daring to speak out. God bless The Bachelorette, huh?  So we're left without a rose ceremony but with the promise that next Monday's episode will be a DOOZY.  

Bachelorette Kaitlyn: Ep 3 (Memorial Day Madness)

Monday night's Memorial Day episode of The Bachelorette involved boxing and stand up comedy--have the producers of this show been haunting my dreams?  I was just waiting for a group date to a hockey rink or a screening of GOON and my fantasies would have all become realities!

This episode starts off with Kaitlyn and Britt adjusting to her new statuses as THE BACHELORETTE and THE REJECT.  Britt attempts to cry as she tells someone on the phone (her mom?) that she'll be coming home but the tears just won't come.  But ya know who WILL come? BRADY!  The bizarro singer/songwriter who had a "real connection" with Britt and is knocking on her door and trying to make love happen.  Good luck, losers.  Meanwhile, Kaitlyn has a heart-to-heart with her new BFF Chris Harrison and before you know it, group dates are starting!

The boys have moved into the "Mansion" (can it still be called a mansion if it's filled with bunk beds?) and do the obligatory group shout with arms outstretched (there must be one instance per episode, ideally 2-3) then learn about the week's date schedule: 2 group dates and a 1:1 date.

The first group date will be Daniel (Drunk Face), Justin (resembles a thumb who hits the gym a lot), Jared (RI's finest restaurant manager), Corey (investment banker dude who resembles a hot Rick Perry), Tanner (sharp nose), Kupah (poor man's LL Cool J), Ben H. (button nose bland), and Ben Z. (brick shithouse HOTTIE).  The gang arrives at a warehouse last seen in the video for Marky Mark's "Good Vibrations" and are taught how to box by Laila Ali. I'm loving the feminist slant of this season! The guys train and Laila informs them that the day will end with a boxing tournament where weight classes don't exist.  Sounds both safe and fun! A guy who is 195 lbs attempting to fight a guy who weighs in at 225 pounds--what could go wrong!? Tanner admits that he has never been in a fight in his life (oh I believe you, guy), Kupah focuses a little bit too much on training and not enough on Kaitlyn (this isn't The Contender, Masshole, but that show DID rule), and Ben Z. reveals some nice tattoos.  Soon it's time for the bouts and lawdy lawdy that's some sloppy boxing.  I've never been in a boxing ring myself (other than this time I hosted a standup show in a boxing ring--no joke), but I did used to kick it with a film maker who covers boxing all over the globe and he got me into Team Pacquiao, so I'm pretty much a professional boxing commentator now.  And wow those brawls were hard to watch.  The final card was the David and Goliath pairing of Jared vs. Ben Z. that ended with Jared taking a hard punch to the ear/temple and Bachelor Nation watching a slow motion shot of a restaurant manager getting a concussion.

Welcome to TGIFridays, where every day is Friday! 

Jared is shuttled away by a doctor/union grip and everyone feigns surprise that a 170 lb guy just got pummeled by a 225 lb beefcake.  At the after party, Kaitlyn and Ben Z. bond over a shared love of food (you can't make this shit up), Drunk Face/Designer Daniel does a Miami Vice impression in a white suit and no socks, and Jared makes a cameo to get a pity kiss on the street. Ben Z. scores a rose from Kaitlyn proving that the way to a lady's heart is through your fat, bloody fists (AMEN).

Meanwhile, back the house JJ is feeling stunningly confident for a guy who has a crappy personality, bad sense of humor, and perpetual red wine teeth.

The next day is the first 1:1 date and who is the lucky lad? Clint, the long haired Jake Pavelka. Kaitlyn and Clint cruise the Cali coast in a classic Mercedes convertible (top up to protect the hair--good girl) and Kaitlyn says that she CAN drive stick (damn straight, girl) then they arrive at a gorgeous villa where they'll get dressed up for an underwater photo shoot.  Apparently photos of couples underwater are all the rage with engagement photos these days. Good God.  I find the concept of engagement photos to be unnecessary enough, but friggin' underwater engagement photos? When will it end!? The wedding industrial complex is unstoppable and all I want is a small wedding in a steak house. Am I a meat eating simpleton? The photos are surprisingly cool, despite the America's Next Top Model degree of difficulty.  Clint and Kaitlyn dry off and share a lovely dinner and intense make out.  Clint gets a rose.

Meanwhile, back at the house Tony (the "healer") has a major problem with the boxing challenge, spouting off proclamations that love shouldn't be about competition or fisticuffs.  Did no one tell him that he's on The Bachelorette?  He then mixes up the names Britt and Kaitlyn as he declares that he's into HER, but is she into him?  Sounds like Tony is already breaking down and it's only week 1! If only the healer could heal himself.

The next day is the final group date of the week and the crew is JJ (arrogant loser who comes off as rapey-er than a rapier), Jonathan (arm tats, casual style), Joshua (redheaded sweetheart), Chris (cupcake guy whose appeal continues to elude me), Ian (HOTTIE WHO I WILL NEVER STOP LOVING), Joe (BYO-Whiskey hot redneck), and Tony (healer who STILL has a black eye, despite his hatred of fisticuffs).  JJ is hoping that their challenge will involve stand up comedy because he's always wanted to try standup and OF COURSE HE HAS! It's always the most clueless, insufferable guys who approach me after a show and say that they have "always wanted to try standup" and they assume it's easy but they have never actually gathered the nerve to DO IT.

The boys get a lesson in standup comedy by none other than Amy Schumer, whose eponymous television show is absolutely perfect.  She has a stacked crew with her--the hilarious and lovely Rachel Feinstein, the riotous and kind Nikki Glaser, and the brilliantly bonkers Bridget Everett. Holy talent explosion, Batman! In his meeting with Amy Schumer, JJ tells her that his pick-up line is "I'm divorced, have a kid, and live with my parents" and Amy attempts to teach him what a pick-up line is and also what COMEDY is, to no avail.  He insists that he's smarter than the audience and THAT is what gets him in trouble (spoken like every sucky comedian who bombs because he's smug and unlikeable) and Amy assures him that he's not that smart.  Thank you, Amy.

The ladies try to school the boys, but these boys don't have the funniest instincts.  Ian makes fun of Juan Pablo (nice work), Tony rambles and fails to land a single punchline, and Chris the dentist makes jokes about how the only thing he has to offer is a good body. Hey, at least he's self aware!

At the after party Kaitlyn rocks a fierce, metallic, retro short dress and canoodles with the guys.  Joshua admits that he's never been in love before, Tony rambles narcissistically about love, and Joe pulls Kaitlyn aside for a hot make out.  JJ and Kaitlyn have an intense conversation and for whatever reason, Kaitlyn doesn't hate this shitbag.  JJ talks about his daughter and attempts to sprout crocodile tears as he says that "it's killing me" to be away from her.  Yeah I bet, buddy.  It's killing you to be on vacation in Los Angeles living in an open bar mansion and going on dates with a woman who is completely out of your league.  I can only imagine how hard it must be for you.  Then, because nothing in life is fair or makes sense, Kaitlyn gives JJ a rose.

It's a mystery of science: How a man can lack both charisma
and good looks and yet somehow STILL be a smug prick. 

Finally it's cocktail party time and Kaitlyn is sporting yet another killer, sparkly dress. In a super sweet maneuver of team work, the guys in the house have agreed to let the few suitors who didn't get dates this week have first crack at conversation with Kaitlyn.  Solid move, boys.  But JJ has other plans and he says "sorry not sorry" as he grabs Kaitlyn the moment she walks in the house.  When the guys give him grief for being a pushy prick, he says that he reminded Kaitlyn of what husband material is (someone who will force you to talk to him and rob you of your agency? SWEET HUSBAND, BRO!).  Ian is pure class (hot class) and he takes Kaitlyn out to the front driveway and tells her about his single mother, Princeton, his running career, car accident, and recovery then says that he believes in putting his mind to things and he's putting his mind to Kaitlyn.  He's talking like he's reciting dialogue from a good rom-com and I LOVE IT.  They share a hot kiss.

Tony makes the only logical comment that has emerged from his lips all season: that JJ acts like he's never been around a pretty girl before.  HA!  Weirdo healer is dropping truth bombs!

Kupah is feeling agitated and he confronts Kaitlyn about whether or not she "sees" him but their conversation feels more like a work review than a conversation about a romantic connection.  He's very mindful of tokenism and I appreciate that, but he comes off as defensive and uninterested in Kaitlyn. She explains that she DID feel a connection with him up until this conversation and then Kupah starts backpedaling.  To make matters worse, later she overhears Kupah admitting that he was backpedaling and pouring on the charm and then she escorts him to the front door and asks him to leave.  Then this happens:

Kupah: I don’t want to go home.  I think you’re hot, sexy

Kaitlyn: There’s more to me than that.

HELL YES, KAITLYN!  He then repeatedly says "that's pretty f-ed" as if swearing at the bachelorette will keep him in the game. She doesn’t like you, buddy—time to go!! Finally, he walks out and proceeds to snap at the producers as they try to get his parting remarks.  Kaitlyn overhears the brawl in the front driveway and that's where ABC left Bachelor Nation.  

Question for my beloved readers: Does this season feel different than previous seasons to you? The producers are more willing to break the 4th wall and show you how the show runs, I think. There's a heightened awareness of the show or at least an increased willingness to keep those moments and comments in the final cut, ya know?

I'll close with 2 crucial take aways:
1. If JJ lasts much longer, I will lose my faith in Kaitlyn and humanity, and
2. If Ian doesn't win this thing, I would like to end up with him, please. Where do I send my headshot?

Bachelor Chris Recap: Finale & After The Final Rose

The twitterverse was buzzing during The Bachelor on Monday night (and I hate myself for writing that sentence) and the verdict was this: That finale was SNOOZEFEST 2K15.  Chris Harrison promised us a surprise and most viewers found the episode pretty predictable, but I contend that something surprising DID happen.

In The Bachelor and The Bachelorette when the protagonist is down to the final two, the options are almost always:

• The potential mate who is a "safe bet"--someone nurturing, thoughtful, playful, and a strong long-term option for marriage. This person is good looking (I mean, this is TV, after all), but not quite as good looking as...
• The potential mate who is a "wild card"--there's chemistry there that can't be explained. This person might be a bit unpredictable, very sexy, not exactly Mr./Ms. Congentiality within the house. This person is better looking than the Bachelor or Bachelorette every time. 

Usually, given these two options, the Bachelor or Bachelorette picks the sexy wild card.  We've seen it with 

• Andi picking Armpit Tats Josh over playful nerd Nick 
• Bachelor Bob picking knockout Estella over sweetheart Kelly Jo 
• Pilot Jake picking most hated Vienna over simpleton Tenley 
• Ben Flajnik picking legendary mean girl Courtney ("winning") over wholesome, family gal (who loved tan lipstick) Lindzi
• Jillian selecting the pompous Ed Swiderski (who friggin' walked out on her during the season only to return and have the upper hand) over "aww shucks" hottie Kiptyn 
• Ali Fedotowsky choosing bad boy (who Bachelor Nation KNEW was our of her league) Roberto over the other jag

A few wise Bachelors and Bachelorettes select the more steady option, but it's the exception and not the rule.  (And yeah, can I get a Master's Degree in this stuff because I know I could handle the course work?)

But wait, what happened in the 3 hour extravaganza last night, Selena? Becca and Whitney met Chris's large family during a frigid day in Iowa--not what we normally see when everybody goes to paradise and sweats through "meet the parents."  

Whitney gets first crack at the family and she knocks it out of the park with her manners, sense of appreciation, and sweet candor.  I feel bad that I used to be so anti-Whitney because she is truly a dream daughter-in-law and you can tell that Chris's parents think so.  She drops a few more "we made  a baby" jokes (UNCLE! Please make it stop!) but wins over America's heart with her tear jerker toast about how much she loves Chris.  

After she leaves, Chris's sisters rave about Whitney and inquire about what Becca has to offer.  Chris can't quite articulate what he likes about Becca, saying, "she has qualities that are different... and pretty cool." Umm... ya mean the "quality" that she's a virgin? The men folk gather in the garage to drink beers and talk about chicks  Brother-in-law Jason calls it like it is, saying that Whitney is "all in" and the reason that Chris inexplicably holds a candle for Becca is solely because she's hard to get.  Jason, can you please be my therapist and tell me why the rest of the world's deal-breakers are my aphrodisiacs?

The next day the Soules family is a bit suspicious of Becca, but she manages to charm them with jokes and funny stories of her "journey" with Chris.  That good first impression wears off when she sits down for a talk with Chris's three sisters, though.  Becca spews out a whole lot of conditional phrases about "if I fall in love with Chris" and "if Chris is the one for me" and what MIGHT happen IF that or that plays out.  The sisters are not pleased and say that "we've seen a California girl not come to Iowa before."  (Truth be told, the girl they are talking about--Ombre DA Andi--is really an Atlanta girl who didn't want to move to Iowa and chose a smug former baseball player who can't let go of his pro sports glory days, but potato potato.)  Chris's wonderful mother convinces Becca that she IS in love with Chris and the things that she's feeling ARE love, but Becca's a bit too immature to process all of it. Again, Jason says what Bachelor Nation is thinking: the family can weigh in all they want, but this isn't a math problem to be solved analytically--this is about love and chemistry.  Seriously Jason, can we have a beer sometime?  I'll bring a bulleted list of topics and you just call 'em like you see 'em, OK?  Chris's wonderful father weighs in, saying that Whitney is "the sure thing" (ouch--nobody wants to be called a sure thing, am I right?) and he thinks that Chris will take the risky path.

Becca and Chris have a final date (that feels more like a booty call minus the booty) during which they address some tough questions that they probably should have talked about long ago: why do you think you aren't in love with me yet? What issues are holding you back? They get some concrete answers but Becca continues insisting that there are "supposed to be" steps of some sort and she doesn't know what she's doing.  I think she has watched too many Rom Coms (and Cinderella a few too many times) because I have a lot of dating experience and I'm not quite sure what she's talking about.  Steps?  Every relationship is unique.  Some happen quickly (like my parents' 2 months of dating and then engagement and enduring marriage) and others unfold slowly or in unexpected ways with people who you didn't think you'd end up with.  There aren't official steps, really.  Chris leaves Becca's room and says that it's a "weird situation" and gives us some tears.  Bachelor Nation is fueled by tears!  FEED THIS BEAST!

Feed me your tears, Prince Farming!!!! 

Whitney and Chris have a final date and it's more of a date-date than Becca got, which might tip the hand somewhat.  They hop in a tractor and do some harvesting then cruise in his lifted Chevy truck (NIIIIIICE) to his bachelor pad where they have drinks by the fire.  After daytime drinks it's time for evening drinks at Whitney's hotel where she very wisely tells Chris that no matter what happens, she has put everything on the table and she's at peace but also scared.

The next day is the big day and Chris picks out a ring for his chosen one.  The ladies get done up and don their elegant winter dresses (a tough look to pull off).  Finally it's go time and Chris is in his family barn (overloaded with chandeliers) waiting for the gals to arrive.  We get a glimpse of each one in her limo: Whitney in a black dress with a fun neckline and an updo; Becca with her hair down and a red gown made of crushed velvet.  Everybody knows that limo #1 is the person who is getting sent home and whose high heel do we see emerging from that first car: Becca's.

She walks up the stairs of the barn to a landing that strangely resembles a church because of all the stained glass, then she and Chris talk through the most amicable break-up in Bachelor history.  There's whispering, they can both see their breath, and "you're going to make someone very happy one day" is repeated ad nauseam.  He bids her adieu and during her drive away, Becca sheds no tears and says that "it doesn't feel good at all"and I can't decide if this girl is simply too young to understand what is going on or just completely unemotional.  Both?  Either way, she should probably gain a little experience (go on some dates, give an HJ) before she ever goes on a TV show whose solitary purpose is "to find a soulmate."

Up next is Whitney and HOLY COW she is going to be happy.  Once they are in position (and Whitney is done flapping like a fish on a dock), she launches in on a sweet speech about how much she loves him.  Chris follows with a monologue about the time they crashed a stranger's wedding (I had forgotten about that--SO BAD!) and then says that she's perfect for him.  They are a fantastic match in how earnest and sorta corny they are and I'm excited for them.  Chris gets down on one knee, opens up the ring box (MONEY SHOT) and her response to the question is "Absolutely."  After that they kiss and sit in the window of the barn looking out on their now shared kingdom (err--farm).

So yeah, not a drama-filled final episode at all.  And Chris wisely picked the reasonable, adult, would-probably-work-in-real-life option of Whitney (not the wild card passion pick).  Nicely done, Chris!  THAT is a surprising turn of events to me!

In the "After the Final Rose" portion (hour 3) Becca came back (in a fantastic pink dress) to continue on her tour of Zero Emotions and Naivete.  She says that she "loves easily" yet has never been in love (huh?) and continues to claim that she is  unsure if she was in love with Chris because she has nothing to compare it to, but girl, you never do.  Sure, the truncated timeline of The Bachelor is unique, but falling for someone doesn't have a roadmap. I know that I sound like I've been drinking the Bachelor Kool Aid, but I just can't get my mind around what Becca expects.  There's a first time for everything and sometimes even if you've never experienced that thing, you know it's the thing.  I remember when I was 18 and on a date with a lovely alum from my college and during every moment with him I felt like my soul was singing and I never stopped to be like, "Wait... is this it?" I just knew it was a great feeling!

Whitney and Chris come out and Whitney makes some charmingly self-effacing jokes, Chris says that he likes Whitney because she reminds him of her sisters (huh?), and Whitney says that Britt's beautiful.  Then Jimmy Kimmel comes out with a cow named Juan Pablo.  And just when you think that things can't get weirder, Chris Harrison flirts with Ashley "Crazy Train" S. and finally the next Bachelorettes are revealed to be Kaitlyn AND Britt.  Yes, two of them.  The Bachelor has always felt like a show about polygamy, but this time it's for real.

It has been wonderful to spend this season with you, dear readers.  I'll be back next season to see who can better rock a fuscia lip--Canadian Kaitlyn or Poor Man's Ariana Grande Britt.  In the meantime, I'll be posting here on occasion, performing standup and storytelling all over, and you can already read my book or listen to me reciting my own book anytime you like! xoxo

Bach Chris Recap Ep 8, 9, who's keeping track anymore SOMEONE HELP ME

Jazzy cats!

I didn't get around to writing a Bachelor recap after last Monday's episode because I couldn't stomach 5 straight hours of Bach watching and THEN Bach recapping.  I had to have a life!  So a quick run-down of last Monday goes like this:

-Britt doesn’t get negged, Britt negs YOU!  The only thing that Britt loves more than wearing eye make-up 24/7 is avoiding public rejection, so she rudely disrupts a rose ceremony in order to avoid being left in the lineup.  She kicks rocks--I'm sure she's got some shifts to pick up at the restaurant in LA. Byeeeee. 

-Sadly, Carly gets sent home, too. YOU RULE ANYWAY, GIRL! 

-Becca's Nawlins family see her as a child and Becca's sister Katie can't get over the fact that little Becky Becks has brought a man home.  She's an adult--stop treating her like a tyke! 

-Whitney’s family is very sweet, but sister is a bit of a downer (with great taste in apartment decor). 

-Kaitlyn’s family is lovely and her mom is like her BFF, which is very sweet. 

-Jade and her father have a wonderful bond that brings tears to their eyes and the eyes of Bachelor Nation.  Jade was in Playboy AND has a fantastic relationship with her father, which was a really refreshing thing to watch on TV and an interesting topic for Bach to explore.  Sadly, Chris sends Jade home and insists it's not about the Playboy secret.  I believe him--is that naive? 

So we're down to 3 ladies and Prince Farming in Bali where they will be experiencing the infamous Fantasy Suite dates.  Chris says, “I’m going to want to know that the intimacy aspect can potentially be there” which a network-friendly euphemism for TEST DRIVE HUMPS!  Oh there are PLENTY more euphemisms where that came from! 

First up is Kaitlyn, the Canadian jokester who made a bad impression at first but has emerged as a fun and easygoing gal with a warm, big family.  Chris and Kaitlyn walk around Bali hugging people everywhere they go then make-out beneath a droopy tree.  That night, Kaitlyn rocks a bikini top and a bold, flowy skirt as Chris sweats through his button down shirt and they "eat dinner" (sit behind plates and make out).  In between spit-swapping, they throw around every dating cliche in the book: "put yourself out there," "open yourself up," and so on.  That night back at the fantasy suite, Kaitlyn tells Chris that she's completely falling in love with him and he reciprocates those comments.  Time to pull down the shades and KICK IT UP A NOTCH! 

The next day is a boat trip for Chris and Whitney and the captain of their boat loves ramming into docks almost as much as he loves doing the thumbs up.  I haven't seen this many instances of thumbs up since that episode of Sex and the City when Carrie dated the politician!

They strip down to their swimsuits, make-out while treading water, and drink.  That evening Whitney rocks a drapey, lime green summer dress (fantastic) and hair in a bun (you know when it's so damn hot and as much as you really WANT to rock your hair down in loose, beach waves, it's just like, my neck will be EN FUEGO!) and tells Chris that she's happily shelve her career in favor of being a wife and mother in Arlington, Iowa.  Hey, to each her own.  Chris hands Whitney the fantasy suite invite card and we watch the strange dance of sex negotiation for public consumption.  Finally, our bold blonde says "check, please!" and they head off for a night of INTIMATE EXPLORATION.

When it's that hot out, sometimes you rock
shorts like it's a school dance circa 1992

The next day, Becca is chilling by a rice paddy and I can't tell if she's wearing black, leather shorts or Umbros, but either way, she looks great.  Chris and Becca chug some coconut water (the kind straight from a coconut--not from Whole Foods), put on some layers and head into a temple, and get some love advice from a local wise man.  He says that Becca's biggest weakness is that she can't be controlled (bitches be making decisions for themselves!) and that they should make love. Aww snap--Wise Man is laying the ground work for a conversation that Becca has been meaning to have all season!  He really IS a wise man! That night Becca rocks a fantastic, short and flirty amber dress and wedge heels (like a disco queen dream!) and Chris continues his armpit sweat tour of Bali.  Over dinner, Chris says that the most important thing is that Becca be able to see herself living in Iowa and she doesn't give him much of a response.  She describes what it must feel like to fall in love like a scientist analyzing an experiment and agrees to go into the Fantasy Suite, where she will tell him that she is saving herself for marriage.  As they head into the suite, Chris says that they are going to "get to know each other on a whole different level--a level of intimacy that we haven’t been allowed" but he's about to get a curve ball.  Becca tells him that she still has her V card and Chris seems stunned and not thrilled and says that he respects it.  My take is that Chris has always seen her as a bit of a youngster (she's 26 to his 33, has never been in love, and her family practically showed him her Barbie Dreamhouse) and that's his only reservation with her.  

The next day Chris is scared of hurting a girl, terrified, and unsure.  Chris Harrison and Chris sit down for a conversation and Bachelor Nation's favorite host asks Prince Farming about the virgin Becca situation.  Did anyone else find it super creepy to hear them discuss her virginity--especially since Chris Harrison brought it up as information he knew, but Chris hadn't been the one to tell him?  So weird! 

Finally, it's rose ceremony time and HOLY CULTURAL APPROPRIATION this rose ceremony is going to happen on the hallowed ground of an Indonesian temple and they are all dressed up in traditional Balinese clothing.  Whitney is rocking a frosted pink lip and good volume in her updo and bun (not easy!), Kaitlyn has a fierce fuscia ensemble and lip, and Becca's loose bun looks effortlessly perfect (but you know it probably took six dozen tries to get right).  Everybody is ready to be loved/publicly humiliated and the 2 roses are stacked!  

But before he can hand out roses that have probably been kept on ice by a segment producer for the past week, Chris wants to have a quick talk with Becca.  Apparently they had an extremely intense conversation the morning after their Fantasy Suite night and they both feel unsettled.  Whitney and Kaitlyn assume that Chris is pulling her aside to send her home without the humiliation of a rose ceremony and Kaitlyn has a good laugh at that prospect (oh girl).  Becca somehow talks her way back to safety (you could TELL that Chris was about to stick her in a cab and send her back to Shreveport) and the rose ceremony is back on!  The music is TENSE! Whitney scores the first rose (her voice is pretty annoying, but she's a warm, bubbly lady and she is WICKED ready to settle down and be Mrs. Prince Farming) and you can tell that Kaitlyn knows what a rose for Whitney means for her.  Chris didn't escort Becca back into the temple just to send her home.  Becca is given the final rose and Kaitlyn is devastated.  Chris walks her out and Kaitlyn makes pained faces, cries into him, and finally gets in the rejection van.  In the van, she cries hard while putting her seat belt on (smart girl) and says that she just went through "the most humiliating moment of my whole friction' life" which warmed my heart.  Kaitlyn, you're fun and pretty and rad--you'll be just fine, sweet maple leaf.  And I used to hate you!  See there--you made a fan out of me! You'll land on your feet, sweet girl. 

Next week is the women tell all and I can't WAIT!  I'm sure that Britt has been applying make-up before bed every night in preparation and I bet that Kelsey has been flipping through her SAT vocab flashcards! 

Bachelor Chris Recap Ep 7: If Britt Aint Happy Aint Nobody Happy

Lovers!

On Sunday night while most of America watched the 40th anniversary of Saturday Night Live, Bachelor Nation witnessed tears from the unlikeliest of places (former Bachelorette Andi and shower hater Britt), a Friday Night Lights-themed date, and Carly serving as the spiritual guide to Chris Soules.

The first hour of Sunday night's show was a "Chris Tells All" special, which we have never seen this early in the season.  Chris weighed in on some of the zanier characters (legit crazy Ashley S., blonde booze hounds Tara and Jordan, Jillian and her bizarre hypotheticals about homeless humps) but he wasn't the only one who got time on camera.  Kelsey came back, smug as ever, and further rambled about her eloquence then proceeded to use the word "ameliorate" wrong.  The Bach editors did the Lord's work when they cut up shots of smug Kelsey claiming to take the high road and saying that she really respects Ashley I. and thinks she's an amazing person interspersed with her taking cheap shots at the "Kardashian" who she insinuates is dumb and low class.  Andi Dofman always returned to talk about her break-up from Josh (Armpit Tats who used to be a pro baseball player and refuses to stop talking about it), which she says they had been struggling with for a while (because you picked a TOTAL JERK, girl!).  Andi's emotional and says the breakup was mutual and caused by their shared inability to support each other (ouch) and Chris Harrison gives her some kind words.  Enough of this talking head therapy stuff--we want action!  Drama!  Tears in different settings!

Back in the game, Kelsey and Ashley I. have just been dumped in the Badlands and the remaining ladies and Chris are at the cocktail party.  Chris pulls aside Megan (who is single-handedly keeping the notion of dumb blondes alive) and she says quite candidly that she thinks they aren't moving forward and other girls are.  Chris agrees and they part ways gracefully which STUNS the remaining 6 women.  Britt has her arms around someone (as always) and it finally hits me that she's one of those girls who is just much too touchy-feely with her friends.  Do you know the type I mean?  I get it, you're FRIENDS!  Chris Harrison tells the ladies that there WILL still be a rose ceremony but then Chris Soules says that there will NOT be a rose ceremony and everybody's going to Iowa!

They land in Des Moines and the 6 remaining ladies walk around downtown while Britt rocks a look that's best described as "L.A. Trash" (paper bagged sweatpants, really?) before Jade gets the first 1:1 date of the episode.

Jade is driven to Arlington (population: 400) where she sees Chris' house (holy bland bedroom sets, Batman!), cruises with him on his motorcycle, and attends a local high school football game with him.  Varsity Blues has got nothing on that date (though a whipped cream bikini would have really spiced things up).  Chris and Jade walk around his former high school where Jade tells him that she had a rebellious streak in her younger years (oh just you wait, Prince Farming) and they make out by the lockers.

Back at the hotel, the ladies are gathered around and it looks like a lipstick commercial thanks to Britt (bold red), Kaitlyn (fierce fuscia), and Becca (nude lip--a girl after my own heart!).  The next 1:1 goes to Whitney (voice like nails on a chalk board) and Britt is finally getting a sense of what life is like for all the other girls.  It's tough, huh, Red Lips?

For their 1:1, Whitney dresses up like she's about to attend a Pearl Jam concert circa 1994 and they pose for kissing photos all over Des Moines.  Whitney is perfectly nice but she's just a bit over enthusiastic and annoying for my taste, but she definitely grew on me during their date.  They go out for drinks that evening (and walk by a crowd of excited Des Moinans--is that what you call them?) and meet up with 3 of Chris' buddies at the bar.  Chris' pals lob some tough questions at Whitney and she handles them with aplomb, then tells Chris that she has no parents (was raised by a single mom who died unexpectedly about 10 years ago) and suddenly I find Whitney's bubbly nature much more charming and compelling than I did just a moment before.  They exit the restaurant to find a poorly-drawn version of their outdoor photo as a mural against the restaurant's wall.  Whitney is so excited by it that she straddles Chris (there was a whole lotta straddling going on in that episode).

While Whitney and Chris were canoodling all over Des Moines, Carly, Britt, Kaitlyn, and Becca (remember her? Silent virgin this episode) take a road trip to Arlington to "see the sights" and learn just how small it is.

Later, Jade confides in Carly that she posed for Playboy a few years ago and that her father learned about it via a co-worker.  Yikes!  She wants to tell Chris about it before he finds out on his own and Carly wonders if this will be a deal-breaker for Prince Farming, saying, "hey mom, don't google my wife." Oh Carly, you are the greatest.

It's time for a group date of Chris, Britt, Kaitlyn, and Carly.  Britt continues to boggle my mind with her hipster/juvenile/90s grunge/LA trash fashion choices and Kaitlyn grows on me, which I never would have seen coming a few weeks ago.  The foursome skates around an ice rink, has some 1:1 conversation time, then has drinks in an antiques store.  Carly shoots straight with Chris, saying that Britt pronounced that she could NEVER live in Arlington after this road trip.  That is not the line that Britt has been selling Chris and Bachelor Nation holds its collective breath that Chris will see Britt for what she really is--a Hollywood-based "waitress" (actress) who is on the show in hopes of scoring her own lipstick line (and/or D list fame).  Kaitlyn and Chris have an honest talk about how she started out strong but has felt insecure the past few weeks and Chris gives her a rose, meaning she'll definitely be taking Chris up to Canada to mer the parents.

For the first time this season, Britt is NOT showered with attention via Chris and she's ANGRY.  That's what everyone else has been feeling all season, girl.  Welcome to the normal club.  Chris and Kaitlyn return and Britt shakes her head at Chris, gives him a death stare, and then insinuates that she wouldn't want to introduce him to her parents.  Carly looks off but probably smiles as Britt reveals her true colors (it aint all bold lipstick--if Britt aint happy, aint nobody happy) and Chris seems shocked to see this side of her.  Carly has been doing important work and I applaud her for it! Britt tries to justify her tantrum, saying "I only have one family" as though that's not the normal state of affairs for MOST people.

That night all of the gals except Britt have a chat about how much she did herself in with her tantrum.  I think she did and I can't wait to see tonight's episode!