Bachelor Ben H. Ep 1: Four Laurens and a Funeral--I Mean Unicorn

Dear readers, The Bachelor is back! As the song about Bachelor premiere night croons, “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” and no one is more excited than yours truly. With each Bachelor season, I emerge from a cocoon filled with snark and am reborn, ready to talk smack with fresh eyes and metaphors. 

This season’s bachelor is Ben Higgins, a 26 year-old software salesman who hails from Warsaw, Indiana and insists that he’s a “normal guy” (but a normal guy with a killer body, Peter Brady-like face, and perfect teeth). We watched Ben shoot hoops at sunset by a barn, attend his high school homecoming football game, and lean up against a tree while staring longingly at the flat landscape of Hoosier Land. This guy is so damn American I bet that his farts sound like a haunting rendition of the Star Spangled Banner and that John Cougar Mellencamp is his godfather.

Bachelor Nation embraced Ben last season when he confessed to Kaitlyn that his greatest fear is being unlovable. I’ll admit that he won me over in that moment because—not to get too Dr. Phil on ya, but I’m about to—isn’t that such a universal fear?  We each plod through life hoping to find a partner and engaging in flirty bullshit on Tinder or OKCupid or at the local hotspot, but underneath all of the snarky artifice, we all just want to be loved and fear that somehow, we don’t qualify for the club.  Oh Bachelor, you are more than a show about bikini shots and open bar—you’re a show about the human condition.

Where was I?

Yes yes, we get the standard opening items: Ben cruising in a killer vintage Mustang down the Pacific Coast Highway (how very Brandon Walsh circa Beverly Hills Beach Club era), Ben getting advice from 3 previous bachelors (maybe not the best idea and Prince Farming Chris Soules admits as much), and Ben chatting with his sweet parents. There are tears within the first 10 minutes of the episode and they’re from Ben’s charming mother, but there’s more where that came from!

The producers serve up some preview footage and we meet a few gals, but that’s no guarantee that their storylines will play out (I’m looking at you, Tiara).  Let’s get to the good part: the limo arrivals.  

As Chris Harrison said to Ben after a helpful hug, “let the journey begin.” 

-Lauren B, 25, a knockout flight attendant who LOVES the beach!  In a weird moment of life imitates art imitates life imitates art (or something), Lauren is a look-alike and act-alike of Anna from The Bachelor parody show on Lifetime, UnReal. Don't you see it?

Reality TV blonde TWINS!!! 

-Caila, a dark haired software saleswoman who lives in Boston (so, yes, I’m blindly in her corner) and runs then jumps into Ben’s arms. She’s funny and likeable.

-Jennifer, 25, a brunette from Florida who subtly negs Ben with the line “you’re pretty handsome
 then makes a joke that “Ben + Jen is too cute to forget,” though I bet that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez and Jennifer Garner would beg to differ.

-Jami, 23, bartender from Canada who is rocking killer white separates and tan heels (that’s how it’s done, kids) and she’s pals with former Bachelorette Kaitlyn. Sometimes The Bachelor feels like the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disney Land, but instead of an assortment of different races, it’s mostly just white/very tan/light skinned black people who are all stunners and all friends. 

-Samantha, 26, Florida law school student who we met earlier and she lead with the death of her father. To me, during her entrance she seemed either already tipsy or just a bit of a kookoo bird in general. Thoughts?

-Jubilee, 24, war veteran, rocking a KILLER white dress who seemed to knock Ben on his ass (figuratively, though we know that she could do it literally, also). 

-Amanda, 25, divorced esthetician with 2 kids who is certainly beautiful, but whose voice is a stunning mix of high-pitched child and also valley girl.  How does she do it?

-Lace, 25, real estate agent who needs to learn some boundaries. Sure, she’s beautiful and her dress choice is on point (lacey—get it, black, drapey), but she asks Ben to close his eyes and plants a kiss on him. Someone teach this girl about affirmative consent! Also teach her how to open her damn mouth and quit holding so much tension in her jaw!

-Lauren R, a math teacher who tells Ben that she has been stalking him on social media and then recites information ABOUT him TO him (super creepy).  He asks for her name 3x and she never hears him—great listener, that one!

-Shushanna, 27, mathematician who speaks Russian and forces Bachelor Nation to read in order to understand what she’s saying. Come on, Ruskie Girl—we didn’t get into The Bachelor to read!

-Leah, 25, blonde event planner whose look is completely my style (sparkly dress, blonde, side hair) but she pushes the GONE GIRL phenomenon of the “cool girl” a little too far for me. We get it, you’re a knockout who likes football! Let me guess, ya also like whiskey and you’re not like other girls? Yeah yeah yeah.

-Joelle/Jojo, I didn’t catch her age because she entered wearing a frigging UNICORN MASK! I don’t know why I have such a strong reaction to those masks, but the horse/unicorn mask trend gives me the CREEPS and completely freaks me out. No thank you.

IS THIS NOT TERRIFYING?? 

-Lauren H, 25, kindergarten teacher who subverts gender roles by throwing a bouquet at Ben. I like it, even if her Midwest accent is like a jackhammer to my delicate east coast ears.

-Laura, 24, redhead from Kentucky who tells Ben to call her “Red Velvet.” Girl, let me shoot you straight: everybody love that cupcake, but nobody likes that nickname.  Your fate is sealed.

-Mandi, 28, dentist from Portland Oregon who LOVES weird stuff (OF COURSE she does! Did Portlandia teach us nothing?) but pulls off a fierce white dress and even looks OK in an oversized rose headpiece. She’s a weirdo, but a hot weirdo, so she gets a pass (I don’t make the rules! Society does!)

It's weird, but she sorta pulls it off.

-Haley and Emily, 22 going on 13, blonde twins from Las Vegas whose story arc will inevitably be about how they start off like a package deal—sisters and besties! Then after a few weeks the demand to be treated as unique individuals. I give them 4 weeks max.

-Maegan, 30, cowgirl who rolls up with a baby pony, bad hair, and awful shoes. Bye, Felicia (may I confess that I don’t even know where that catchphrase is from but I just love saying it?)

-Breanne, 30 (a Bachelor senior citizen), nutritional therapist who walks up with a basket full of bread a violent anti-gluten agenda. Blech. Go back to your juice cleanse.

-Isabel “Izzy,” 24 from CT who probably thought it would be really cute and quirky to wear a onesie but probably quickly realized that the other women in the house would be actually LOOKING GOOD in there. Bad call. Also, didn’t she remind you of Lucy the “Free Spirit” from Juan Pablo’s season?

-Rachel, 23, unemployed brunette Arkansan who cruised in on a hoverboard (ugh).

-Jessica, 23, accountant with brown hair, sparkly black dress who didn’t leave much of an impression.

-Tiara, 27, chicken enthusiast who should have worn her hair down (trust me).

-Lauren “LB,” 23, brunette fashion buyer who rolled up in a pink bandage dress. Where is she a buyer for—the year 2005? Come on.

-Jackie, 23, brown hair and red gown who gave Ben a Save the Date card for their wedding. Subtle, simple, demure.

-Olivia, 23, blonde news anchor (you could SMELL the “late breaking story” a mile away) who was rocking a killer silver dress (so many metallics this season—I was in heaven!) and nice dimples.

This next question isn’t helping the disprove the stereotype that all people from Boston are Irish, but as I looked at all of those women’s backs last night (so many backless dresses!), I couldn’t help but wonder: Where are the freckles?? Do NONE of these girls have ANY freckles? Am I an alien in my freckly body? Even the redhead—what’s up the porcelain skin and ZERO freckles? Seriously, what is going on here?

But I digress.

Ben quickly called his parents then headed into the house where Competitive Flirting kicked off before Ben could even finish saying “my wife could be in this room” thanks to Mandi’s aggressive approach. Yowza.

Just when the ladies got comfortable, a bombshell was dropped in the form of 2 familiar bombshells: Becca and Amber from Chris Soules’ season. Becca still loves tan lipstick and Amber is looking good which incenses the ladies (mostly Lace and Mandi). Lace starts in on the weird needy mindgames as soon as Ben talks to her and he plays into that dynamic, seeking her out to reassure her (ON NIGHT ONE!?!?!) and trying to assuage her fears. Oh Ben, you’re about to get in way over your head with this one.

Olivia the newscaster scores the first impression rose (which stuns Mandi since she kept calling herself the first impression rose) and before we know it, the Rose Ceremony is upon us.  I won’t bore you with the run down, but I’ll share these important items:

-Lace was given the last rose (STEW IN YOUR OWN ANXIOUS SWEAT, WEIRDO) and she had WORDS for Ben after that. You can truly live a year’s worth of ups and downs and relationship drama in a single night—just ask Lace! I give her 3-4 episodes before Ben realizes that Lace is his season’s Tierra (from Sean’s season--a ton of drama and not interesting enough to justify it). 

-Who was sent packing on night 1? Baby pony girl (that will teach you to wear sensible boots into the Bachelor Mansion!), Tiara (chicken enthusiast—welp, at least her beloved chickens will be happy), Breanne the gluten free chick, redhead Laura, forgettable Jessica, and Lauren R. (hattrick of not revealing her name). 

Ben seems like a simple, steady Bachelor, so the job of creating chaos falls on the tiny, unfrocked shoulders of these women, but I'm confident that they're up to the task.  

Bachelor Chris Recap: The Women Tell All (And Rock Bold Lips)

Monday night was one of the favorite nights of every season of The Bachelor: The Women Tell All.  This episode brings back almost all of the jilted ladies (save for a few forgettable gals who didn't make it past night one and the final two ladies who are living in a bunker somewhere until they can pretend to be engaged for 4-6 weeks, then call it off and go on to a career as a "TV personality") and without fail every woman shows up looking FRESH TO DEATH, as DJ Pauly D would say (go Rhode Island!).  The ladies are always dressed to the nines and rocking fresh highlights and/or extensions (I'm looking at you, Carly) and perfect make-up.  It's like how much you primp and prep when you know that you'll be running into your ex at a cocktail party TIMES INFINITY! #IHateMath.

On Monday night, the gang was all there...

Nikki – the former NFL cheerleader with dark hair who often looked surprised 

Trina – white girl with blonde hair looking great in yellow, which I find surprising (I'm an anti-blonde-white-women-in-yellow-dresses activist, usually) 

Jeulia – rad gal whose ex husband killed self and has a tyke at home 

Tara – drunk fly fishing enthusiast

Amber – looked so good I almost didn't recall who she was

Megan – the blonde gal who is NOT the brightest, but is rocking a great dark lip

Samantha – silent brunette

Jordan – other blonde drunk (who tried to plead her way back on by showing up to a cocktail party unannounced--what are you, ME?) 

Ashley S. – crazy train blondie 

Jillian – intense brunette who was pretty annoying, but she's rocking some rad earrings

Kelsey – Black Widow is rocking a bob even more unflattering than her previous haircut (quite an achievement)

Britt – bold lip as always, gold dress that looks very Forever 21

Mackenzie – young mom who loves aliens and might want to get some curl separator cream 

Ashley I. – female Bobby Bottleservice is sporting a flesh toned dress (my nightmare), plus tan lips (ugh), but her dark hair sorta balances it out. 

Jade – sporting a fiery red dress though she might be in the midst of a breakout 

Carly – resembles a disco dream in her sparkly dress, cool blonde hair color & bold eyes

Kaitlyn – she has completely grown on me and her white separates are sheer perfection 

We watch a montage of the good times and the bad times and before you know it, Britt has manipulated her way into the hot seat next to Chris Harrison.  Britt calls out her "former friend" Carly (what is this, 7th grade summer camp?) and asks why Carly pretended to be her friend.  Carly shoots straight and says that she tried to avoid drama in the house (read: this is a weird situation and we're all stuck together, so may as well go along to get along but crack wise in the interview room). Britt blames Carly for the fact that she was sent home and that dumb logic reminds me of when a high school girl's boyfriend would cheat on her with another girls and the jilted GF would inevitably go after the other woman.  

Haters gonna hate, but I have cool blonde hair now

Guess what, kid? That girl doesn't owe you anything.  YOUR BOYFRIEND is the one who did you wrong, here.  It was pretty delicious when Chris came out later to say that no, Carly didn't tell him what to do, HE didn't think that his relationship with Britt was progressing.  EAT IT, LA!  Britt says, in so many words, that Carly is jealous of her and I finally figure out what I find so repugnant about Britt: she treats Carly like a little, tagalong sister who isn't ALSO there vying for love.  She's a narcissist who plays a naif for attention and sympathy.  Blech.  Carly says that Britt is two faced and a good actress and I agree. Also, Britt clarifies that she WOULD be open to living in Arlington, Iowa as long as they wouldn't be living in the abandoned bank.

Up next is Black Widow Kelsey who Chris Harrison promptly asks, "why do you think that the women disliked you so much?"  Her response is so tone deaf and pitch perfect that I would think it was pulled from a Christopher Guest film if I hand't watched her say it: I've heard that I'm condescending and I use big words.  She throws out therapy soundbites like "honor my story" and "immeasurably blessed" but the best part happens when Chris Harrison asks Kelsey if she feels like she's better than these women and she responds, "how do you evaluate humanity?" Thanks for playing, Nietzsche!  Kelsey and Ashley I. get into it, Kelsey says something about how Ashley owes her an apology, and Ashley drops the greatest "gimme a friggin' break" facial expression of all time. 

Ashely S. (blonde crazy train) gets in the hot seat and semi-coherently says that she acted like such a space cadet all season because she was bored and she likes to be silly (OK, you rule, girl).  Chris Harrison begs her to do Bachelor In Paradise and her classic response to that request is, "It's so weird... that we're on TV." 

Jade gets some time with Chris Harrison during which she wonders if perhaps Prince Farming was lying when he said that her Playboy photos weren't a big deal. My heart goes out to her--people love to theorize about why a person would pose for photos like that and assume that these people are broken or defective somehow, but they aren't.  Jade has a great family, she's extremely close with her father--I admire her chutzpah.  To top it off, she says a line that I recite on the daily: shoot me straight.  Just tell me the truth.  

Up next is Kaitlyn who is looking gorgeous in white separates (a bold choice), modern heels (did you see them?), and a fuscia lip.  She says that she thinks about what happened every day (she made it to the top 3) and she's still confused by it all.  Kaitlyn is wonderfully candid and well-spoken, but after a few minutes her Canadian accent kept reminding me of Wheels Ontario.

Finally, Chris comes out and again, Britt spits out some crocodile tears in order to get time in the hot seat.  Does she somehow forget that Chris sent her home because he didn't like her attitude?  Chris says that Carly's warnings had nothing to do with it and that he didn't think they were moving forward. Britt somehow manipulates the conversation and ends up granting him good luck with his future and acting as though SHE is releasing HIM.  What just happened?  Kaitlyn calmly confronts him and Chris refers to the process as "like throwing darts at a dart  board in the dark" which is probably the most honest characterization of The Bachelor that I have ever heard.  Jade and Chris have a heartfelt conversation about his use of the word "disturbing" to describe his surprise at hearing Jade characterized as a "wild mustang" by her brother, then admits that it was a poor choice of words.  They hug and all is well.  

But before it's over, Chris Harrison has got to plug HIS NEW BOOK!  Trust me, as an author, I know how crucial it is to jump on any and every opportunity to whore out your book.  And with that, I encourage all of you to buy The New Rules for Blondes because mama needs a new pair of shoes!

Next week is the 3 hour finale and instead of each gal meeting The Bachelor's family in paradise, everything will be going down in Arlington, Iowa during the winter.  It's the bleakest midwintery-est Bachelor finale YET!  

Bachelor Chris Recap Ep 6: These Badlands AINT Treating Us Good

Lovers!

I am ridiculously late w/ my recap, but did you watch my brilliant re-enactment?  My impressions of the girls are award-winning ("Best Impression of a Reality TV Wackadoo" -my roommate), but my written recaps are what the kids keep coming back for.  So what happened on Monday?

The episode started with a leftover rose ceremony (thanks to Kelsey's "panic attack"--err--tantrum thrown to force Chris to talk to her while she rocked an oxygen mask--hot look, psycho!) during which Samantha and Mackenzie were sent packing.  You're probably thinking, "Samantha Who?" and I'm like, "that was the name of a short-lived Christina Applegate sitcom and didn't you think that her first husband was a HOTTIE but I sorta wonder if something is up with him based on his romantic history BUT ALSO Samantha the girl on The Bachelor said a grand total of 5 words this season."  Mackenzie, everyone's favorite 21-year-old alien conspiracy theorist was also sent back to her son.  I'm sure he's relieved not to be living in the produce isle anymore (KALE JOKES).

The remaining 9 ladies and Chris head to Deadwood, South Dakota (which Megan would probably be stunned to learn isn't located anywhere near The Dakota in New York City) where they braced themselves for a 1:1, a group date, and the infamous Bachelor 2:1.  The 2:1 functions like Elimidate (rest in peace, sweet show) and one girl is sent packing from that date.  Well, USUALLY one girl is sent home but this season has NO RULEZZZ!!!!

Becca (awesome hair, blindingly white teeth, chill attitude) scores the first 1:1 and I'm psyched for her.  She's been a cool gal from the start and she's been wise to hang back a bit and slowly reveal her personality to Chris.  They ride horses, shoot guns, roast kebabs, and finally share their first kiss.  She gets a rose.

Back at the hotel (which was a friggin' Holiday Inn--did anyone else notice that?) Carly, Whitney, and another forgettable long-haired white girl are confronting Kelsey about how fake she is (which is a phenomenon much like Law and Order--it's always happening somewhere, every moment of every day).  Kelsey has a black belt in manipulation and shirking responsibility because she immediately gets super patronizing with them, mentions her dead husband, says that she was "confused"  passive-aggressive people LOVE claiming they are "confused" but they know exactly what is going on), and says she feels that they are ganging up on her.  In her confessional interview she says, "I'm blessed with eloquence and I'm articulate and I use big words."  Girl, you misused the words "ensued" and "myriad" last episode, so quit acting like you're Little Miss Language Arts  You're pulling out friggin' PSAT vocab, kid.  Sit down.

The next day is a group date and the crew is Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly, and Megan (who still hasn't quite gotten the hang of how things work when your name gets called).  Their date is a day with Big and Rich (the "last kids picked in gym class" of Top 40 Country Music) during which the ladies write original country songs then perform them while accompanied by a filthy prospector on banjo.  Kaitlyn raps (dumb chills), Britt emotes too much (gross), and Carly wins the day with her beautiful, sweet, melodic serenade to Chris.  But no one can deny the sexual chemistry between Britt and Chris, the likes of which we haven't seen since Juan Pablo and Clare (but we remember how that turned out, DON'T WE?).  That night at the after party the girls are left sitting around for 60 MINUTES while Britt and Chris sneak off to attend a Big and Rich concert nearby.  Couldn't they have just sent the rest of the women home and said that Britt and Chris got an extended date?  The girls who were kept waiting feel frustrated and humiliated and somehow I now find myself really liking Kaitlyn.  Who saw that coming?  Britt continues to spin her web of lies, saying that she loves country music, so she gets a rose.  Small note: Whitney, don't wear a scarf that is the same color of both your hair and your skin, girl.  Just a tip.

It's time of the 2:1 and I haven't seen a match-up this exciting since Tyson vs. Douglas in 1990: Ashley I. aka Female Bobby Bottlservice aka New Jersey Kardashian VS. Kelsey aka Smuggest Lady in the Land aka Talbots #1 Fan.  Their date will take place in The Badlands, which I then learned is more than just a great Bruce Springsteen song.  They cruise into the barren wasteland on a helicopter and a bed is set up for the purposes of capturing fierce side-eye.  Ashley gets alone time with Chris, during which she reminds him that she's completely inexperienced (by cartoonishly shoving her tongue down his throat) and informs him that Kelsey is this season's pariah (a more frumpily dressed Courtney or Vienna or Tierra).  Kelsey then wins some alone time with Chris during which she describes their potential life together in a manner more boring way than I have ever heard.  Chris gently brings up what Ashley said (and admits that Ashley JUST said something to him, which was more of a bonehead move on his part than a malicious maneuver, I think).  Kelsey plays the victim as usual, saying that she considers Ashley a friend.  Cry me a river, weirdo.

The two girls end up sitting on the bed together and Kelsey attempts to stare Ashley down, but Ashley isn't having it (good girl).  Finally, Kelsey snarls, "I know what you did" and Ashley says that she knows that Kelsey thinks she's stupid, but they both have their masters degrees "and I actually have it from a good place" (a line that made me ERUPT IN APPLAUSE at home).  Suddenly I'm on Team Ashley.  Poor Man's Kim K. walks off to confront Chris and, sadly for her, she simply cannot keep her shit together.  She has a meltdown, Chris sends her home, she storms off, she storms back in, they hug, finally she storms off again.  Girl.  At least keep it together when you are getting dumped--never let 'em see you sweat!  Chris retreats to Kelsey and I gotta say, I haven't seen a woman so smug and entitled since the last time I went to Starbucks (so, this morning).  Kelsey hugs him and tries to play the role of dutiful, doting wife but then Chris pulls a truly UNPRECEDENTED move (Chris Harrison was loving it, no doubt) and he gives Kelsey the Heisman, too! Aww snap--there are no rules!  Chris gives Kelsey the old "see you in hell," hops in a helicopter and jets outta there.  The remaining ladies celebrate Kelsey's departure with bubbly.

Next week we have so much Bach it's going to be inane: Sunday night AND Monday night.  I"ll try to stay on top of it, lovers!

Bachelor Chris Recap - Ep 4: We Get It, You're A Virgin!

It's that time in the season when the episodes get juicier and more exciting and I lose my ability to crank our recaps quickly.  I'm sorry!  We got hit with a weirdo storm and I have had a ton of gigs--there are just too many good things going on in my vida loca!

So this recap is going to be as succinct as I can muster (which isn't especially succinct because I'm a rambling man when it comes to talking smack).

Chris Harrison gives the remaining ladies the lay of the land: this week there will be 2 group dates and a single one-on-one date for a girl who will be chosen by Chris' 3 blonde sisters.  Yes, it's a family affair and if you want to charm the sisters, you had better love playing Ghosts In the Graveyard!  (Remember Andi's season, Bachelor Nation?)

The first group date is Megan (blonde kinda bland), Kaitlyn (hella tiresome Canadian "comedian"), Ashley S. (*dut dut du do du da doo do dut dut du do du doo do* that's a transcription of the guitar opening to "Crazy Train" obviously), Ashley I. (wanna be Kardashian virgin), Juelia (baby mama with a late husband),  Samantha (brunette who has said ZERO words so far this season--it's like a new record for getting NO time on camera), Mackenzie (I bet was big into the X Files), Kelsey (short haired widow).  The date card says "let's do what feels natural" and the ladies crack a bunch of jokes about how much make-up they all wear 24/7.  It's true--the only girl who occasionally rocks a bare face is Jillian and when she does, I compare her to Mr. Bigglesworth.  Like the old saying goes: Damned if you do, hairless cat look-alike if you don't.  They load up some vintage convertibles (I hope somebody brought along spray in conditioner because convertibles may be fun but they are MISERY on loose hair) and drive to a lake where they spend the day swimming, drinking, and boating.

Hi, I'm Kelsey! Just a bubbly Austin gal
who HATES THESE BIMBOS! 

Ashley I. is looking for a way to "break out of her shyness" and she finds it in taking off her American flag bikini top and jumping off the floating dock.  Kaitlyn follows suit (NO PUN INTENDED BUT OMG HOW MUCH DO I RULE WITH THE SWIMSUIT JOKES?) and strips off her bikini bottoms before jumping in the water.  Short haired Kelsey is NOT happy and says that this is a date made for bimbos.  She says that there are better lakes in Michigan and refers to this one as a "hell hole" (hey, at least you know where you stand in a HELL HOLE, right?), she'd like to stab herself in the eye with a fork, and then gets stung by a bee right in the crotch area.  Somebody has had a lil too much birthday.  We're seeing the first seeds of Two Faced Kelsey emerge--she's whiney and negative around he girls but turns on the charm in front of Chris.  Aha--one of you appears every season--it's just a matter of who will play that role.

Oh, but the day isn't over after the final game of Red Rover (the worst game in the world)--the gang is going to be CAMPING OUT!  As they erect their tents, Mackenzie cracks jokes about holes and insertion (cause she's 21 going on 13) and makes more comments about aliens (this is the 2nd time she has brought up aliens, as Bachelorette alum Nick Peterson shrewdly noticed).

That night the crew gathers around the campfire to drink whiskey, dance, and tell scary stories by the flashlight.  Ashley S. has one-on-one time with Chris during which she asks him "what are you?" over and over; Kelsey sulks until she gets some alone time with Chris and then she flips a switch and becomes a giggling, bubbly fun time gal; and Ashley I. says something about how much she likes Chris that involves the phrase "you don't even know, " proving once and for all that she IS Bobby Bottleservice.  In the middle of the night, Ashley "I was born in an Ed Hardy T-shirt" I. goes to Chris' tent and confesses to him that she's inexperienced "in every way possible" (GET IT?) and that "basically, like, so far I feel like I’ve been portrayed as not how I am" (wait 'till the producers cut up your outtakes, girl) and finally, that despite her looks and attitude, she's actually a nerd (OH I BELIEVE YOU, Ashley!).  Chris is half asleep and seems confused, but Ashley exits his tent feeling reassured that they had a good, honest conversation.  

Hi, I'm Ashley I. and I used to be an awkward
nerd, if you can believe it.  

While these ladies are getting the smell of campfire embedded into their expertly-curled hair, back at the house Chris' 3 sisters Jackie, Laurie, and Lisa are interviewing the housebound ladies.  The sisters are tough interviewers and don't pull any punches, inquiring about the girls' dating histories and willingness to move to Iowa.  Jade admits that she's a model (but recently launched a make-up line), Britt says that she sees herself as the front runner, and Carly wins my heart by getting emotional and saying that guys haven't been very nice to her, as far as dating goes. Oh girl. I get you SO MUCH. I'm sorry I ever mocked you, sweet cruise ship performer. If you want to hear ME get emotional about how guys weren't very nice to me, listen to my episode of RISK here.  But I digress!

I would have bet big money that Carly's sweet words would win her the 1:1 date card (as selected by the trio of blonde sisters), but Jade is the victor.  Once the girls are assembled back in the Bachelor Manse the next day, Jade is whisked away (well, not that far away--just to another room) where a faux fairy godmother helps her pick out a dress, jewelry, and shoes.  Ashley I. is extremely jealous as she watches the Cinderella scene unfold, saying that SHE should haven been chosen for the princess date, not the camping date.  Is there anything sadder than watching a grown woman who is obsessed with recreating the toxic gender dynamics of a fairy tale?

Yeah there is--watching a professional orchestra serenade a bachelor and his surprise date while they muddle through some bush league ballroom dancing moves on an elevated platform.  Jade and Chris have a good date, though, and share that they have both been engaged before.  They dance on that platform, watch a clip of Disney's new Cinderella (there was nothing subtle about that product placement), then Jade runs off as the clock strikes midnight (but doesn't lose a shoe OR fall down the stairs--I was hoping for a more exiting exit).

The final group date is Nikki (former NFL cheerleader with giant eyes), Jillian (hairless cat gym rat), Whitney (voice like nails on a chalkboard), Carly (my soul mate in hair color and life experiences), Britt (wears make-up in her sleep), and Becca (slow burn who RULZ) and it involves each girl putting on a white wedding dress, flying to San Francisco, and going through a Tough Mudder-style muddy obstacle course.  The challenge was like a miniature Running of the Brides at Filene's Basement (BOSTON!) but with fewer ladies and more dirt.  Jillian is insanely competitive so she wins the challenge (of course), but loses the war (Chris).

During their dinner date (that Jillian wins as a result of coming in first place on the obstacle course), Jillian won't shut up about sports, lifting, dirty jokes, and her hatred of planning and goal setting (because she's just good at stuff and it comes naturally, you guys).  She comes up for air during a brief moment during which Chris takes the rose in his hand and then sends her home. Talk about a fake out! She starts crying, says "situation" a million times, and regrets not revealing herself sooner, but that's not the issue here, girl!  You DID reveal yourself just now and Chris don't like it. Ciao!

Before we know it, it's cocktail party time and Megan's look is far too uniform in color (all tan/gold) but she soldiers on with a weird fondue "date" during which she makes Chris eat chocolate covered fruit while blindfolded then guess what he is eating.  She doesn't know how many senses we have and I sense that she'll be sent home soon. Heyo!

Ashley I. continues to be 26 going on 14 and she pulls Chris aside to inform him for the second time that she's a virgin but IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL and don't take it too seriously!  Just look up at the skywriting up there, it says "I'M A VIRGIN -ASHLEY I."--can you see it?  She reports back to her bizarre fairy God Pimp, Mackenzie (who is acting oddly mature for a 21-year-old alien conspiracy theorist) then breaks down in tears.  During this drama Becca reveals that she, too, is a virgin but in her case it is ACTUALLY not a big deal.  Oh Becca, you have great hair and a great way about you.  Keep on trucking! Britt snaps at Chris about the camping date and the fact that Kaitlyn took off her bikini bottoms and that said "behavior and action was validated" by her receiving a rose. Well well well, Britt--SOMEBODY has been reading self help books!

Finally it's rose ceremony time.  Kaitlyn and Jade already have roses.  Who will live to see another week chez Bach?

Whitney - will Chris EVER tire of that voice (not to mention personality)?  We can only hope.
Carly - me, if I were to live in the Bachelor Manse
Megan - blonde dummy (though I gotta note: the first 3 ladies picked are BLONDIES! Yahooo!)
Samantha - will she utter a single word this season? STAY TUNED!
McKenzie - alien believer who knows the value of a virgin (#horrible)
Kelsey - short haired TWO FACE
Becca - keep an eye on this girl--she's going places! (Places = fantasy suite)
Ashley I. - next week the baby deer announces that her hymen is in tact ONE MORE TIME!
Britt - last place for the girl who thinks SHE is the favorite! That's what we call eating HUMBLE PIE!

So who is hitting the bricks? Ashley S. (I truly hope that she gets the help that she needs and finds a more stable cocktail of meds), Nikki (time to get a job, huh, Former NFL Dancer?), and Juelia (time to go back to baby).  Next week the crew heads to Santa Fe, New Mexico where Kelsey goes from being two faced to being straight-up hysterical.  I can't wait!

Bachelor Chris Recap - Ep 3: Coachella Style & Jimmy Kimmel

On Monday night Jimmy Kimmel weaseled his way into a full episode of The Bachelor and he managed to make Bachelor Nation AND the participants in this show laugh while mocking the reality TV institution that we all love.

Kimmel referred to the women as "sister wives" (zing), made a joke about sleeping with each of them (spicy for ABC around 8:00pm), and instituted an Amazing Jar where everyone had to deposit a dollar for each time they uttered the chronically overused word "amazing."  I'm a sucker for a silly jar, though I'm partial to a Swearing Jar.

The first date of the episode goes to Kaitlyn (the Canadian "comedian") and having a real comedian on set seemed to make Kaitlyn stop telling bad jokes.  She broke out a Pearl Jam chic look for their date--a shopping trip to Costco.  Jimmy Kimmel sent them on the date, saying the he wanted them to have a normal activity as a date. I can't WAIT for the date during which they read a People Magazine from 6 months ago in a dentist's waiting room then get an oil change!  Prince Farming and Kaitlyn had as much fun as you can have in a Costco and Chris kept marveling at how well she rolled with the punches.  Well, what else is she going to do?  Have a princess meltdown while the cameras roll?  OF COURSE she rolled with the punches!

That evening they prepare dinner for themselves and Jimmy Kimmel and then sit down for a dinner that gave me flashbacks to Elimidate.  Kimmel breaks out the hard-hitting questions ("have you dated a farmer before?" "have you dated a Canadian before?") in between his homoerotic jokes aimed at Chris.  Kimmel also pulls no punches about what goes on in the Fantasy Suite and Kaitlyn says that you need to test drive a car before you buy it. For that she earns a rose!

Up next is a group date and the crew is Britt (Ariana Grande), Jillian (super competitive false eyelash addict who may or may not have a hairy bum), Becca (great hair, slow burn), Tracey (hasn't said much since she ragged on "crazy cat ladies"), Mackenzie (whose son is named the 2013 version of Brussel Sprouts), Kelsey (short haired widow), Juelia (long haired widow), Amber (pretty, slow burn), Ashley S. (in the midst of a breakdown but still holding out for a hero 'till the morning light), Samantha (dark hair, personality?), Nikki (was once a professional cheerleader, is now an... unemployed dancer?), and Carly (cruise ship singer blonde).

The group date that Jimmy Kimmel has supposedly planned is a Hoedown Throwdown.  The girls will compete in 5 challenges: corn shucking, egg finding and cooking, goat milking and drinking, manure shoveling, and pig wrangling.  The corn shucking should be the easiest part, but Tracey immediately shouts, "this is hard" as Jillian bursts ahead because she's SUPER COMPETITIVE.  (Sidenote: if you are a self-described SUPER COMPETITIVE person, I hate you.  I have never understood people who are competitive.  Who cares?  About any of it?)  Jillian and her daisy dukes aren't in the lead for long, as Carly the cruise ship entertainer comes from behind the win the whole thing! I didn't think that ANYONE would be able to wrangle a pig, but who knows what they do on cruise ships that prepared Carly for that task.  Her "prize" is that she gets to pose for an American Gothic-style photo with Chris (and based on Carly's blank facial expressions upon seeing the backdrop and props, girl is NOT familiar with that painting).  In old timey glasses and overalls, Chris goes from Prince Farming to Williamsburg Hipster and I am not a fan.  Bring back the beefcake, please!

That night at the after party Carly is feeling confident and she leans in to kiss Chris after saying, "you're a man... and I'm a woman..." and I wish she had launched in on a list ("and those people over there are also women, and Jamie Lee Curtis was allegedly born a hermaphrodite but became a woman, and that greenery over there is a plant...").  Mackenzie is 21 going on 14 as she confronts Chris about how many girls he has been kissing. She promptly regrets confront him about it, says she feels stupid, and hopes that he isn't mad at her (mad for expressing how you feel?).  Girl, it's time to have your own back.  Your feelings are valid because yes, it's hard to watch your crush mack it to other women but ALSO you are on a TV show whose entire premise is that.  Maybe time for a lil journaling?  Good Lord I'm here to make fun of you--WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO ME, READERS? Becca gets some alone time with Chris and makes a fantastic impression (atta girl!) which results in a rose for the girl with the great blondish/brownish hair.  Sorry, Carly and Kelsey--you ladies chugged warm, unpasteurized goat milk for NOTHING!

Whitney (blonde with a voice like a nasal nightmare and a dopey sense of humor) scores a one-on-one date and they head to a winery.  She's rocking a cool statement necklace beneath a sleeveless jean jacket and it looks cute, but a sleeveless jean jacket will always remind me of The Outsiders.

My name is Whitney and I make
babies for a living. HONK! 

As they sip wine, Whitney asks Chris what he wants and he responds that he wants an easygoing, genuine girl who can go with the flow (he phrases it "roll the cow" or "roll the cab" or something equally strange).  Whitney starts a conversational song and dance through which she attempts to prove that she's easygoing and down-to-Earth but the effect is exactly the opposite.  Over their shoulders an outdoor wedding is just starting and as soon as they spot it, Whitney unleashes a hat trick of stunningly dumb and selfish things:
-she immediately suggests that they crash the wedding
-she tries to bolster her case by saying "YOLO" as in "you only live once" in the way that utter morons share that conceit
-she says "there's just something about weddings that's very romantic." SOMETHING.  Whatever could it be?  That's like saying that there's just SOMETHING about a steak house that is very meaty!


So the two a-holes (I'm sorry, but wedding crashing is just SO tacky and crummy) get dressed up, get a gift (isn't the entire point of wedding crashing that you are essentially stealing free drinks from strangers without contributing anything?), and head into the party.  They feel foolishly protected by their story: they finished shooting the show, got married, and now they are an engaged couple.  Good story, but umm... you guys STILL aren't invited to this wedding.  Chris is thoroughly impressed by Whitney's ability to sell lie after lie into the faces of well-meaning strangers (great quality in a life partner!) and he gives her a rose saying, "this won't be the last wedding Whitney and I crash if we get married."  Huh?  For a woman who doesn't want a traditional wedding EVER, I have very strong feelings about wedding crashing and I think it's the most chickenshit, faux "I'm zany" bullshit you can ever pull. Le fin.

The next day it's pool party time and everyone except Ashley I. and Mackenzie is fired up ("this is the most best day ever!" -Megan).  The ladies are deep into Coachella style with the number of sparkly headband things being outdone only by the number of sets of fake eyelashes.  Aint nobody dunking their heads at THIS pool party! The sun is shining, the women circling Chris are being compared to sharks by Kaitlyn, and the drinks are flowing--what better time to pull Chris aside and tell him about the suicide of your ex-husband than today, thinks Juelia!  No day but TODAAAAAY (#rent)!  Admittedly, I'm not sure WHEN there is a good time to talk about heavy stuff with a hottie who you hardly know while cameras roll, but poolside just felt a bit odd.  Britt and Chris make out hard, then Chris walks Jade down to his house to give her a tour of his house (and bed--HONK!).  While Chris and Jade canoodle in the house, Jillian lays in wait in the hot tub and as I said on Twitter, the girl who waits for you in the hot tub is the girl who will wear your skin as a shirt someday.  Chris joins Jillian in the hot tub and their conversation mostly consists of Jillian saying "like" every third word.  Mackenzie, Ashley I., and Megan join them but then opt to give the couple some alone time, naively thinking that they will each take turns having one-on-one time with Chris.  Super competitive Jillian isn't about to play nice (of course she't not) and Ashley I. becomes upset when she realizes that Jillian won't be sharing the spotlight.  Ashley I. heads back to her mansion to wallow in her sadness and perhaps confide in Ashley S. (Ashleys helping Ashleys (TM)) but she is soon disrupted by Chris who has come to find her and shove his tongue down her throat as they practically fall off the upstairs patio.  Love conquers all!

The rose ceremony is up next and after her game of tonsil hockey with Chris, Ashley I. says that she would "very much appreciate being picked early in the rose ceremony" and I assume she must be a fan of Bobby Bottleservice because she talks just like him!  Wow, for a girl who works as a "freelance journalist" (though I'm sure she means "unemployed English major with a tumblr") she has terrible speaking and writing skills!  Before you know it, the girls are lined up in cocktail dresses and Jimmy Kimmel is giving Chris a pep talk about how silly all of this is.  Kaitlyn, Becca, and Whitney already have roses so they are safe.  Who scores a rose and lives to see another week in the Bach Manse?

Jade - did you notice her tan bra when she visited Chris's house? What was that about?
Samantha - I hope she grows a personality/voice box one of these weeks!
Juelia - seems like a cool girl and now her whole story is out, which must be a relief for her.
Mackenzie - that girl is so friggin' 21: "the only thing that matters is that Chris isn't upset with me somehow!"
Kelsey - was her dress made of scraps of old, grey sweatpants?
Britt - that day glo pink dress isn't doing ANYBODY any favors, even Brit.
Megan - holy cleavage and fuscia lips, Megan! She looks like a blonde Jessica Rabbit!
Carly - is that a dress or wallpaper that you have fashioned into a top?
Ashley S. - is she back on her meds? She seems functional this episode--what is going on here?
Nikki - how about you bring something to the table sometime soon, K?
Jillian - that fantastic blue, lace dress makes up for the fact that you're a nightmare.
Ashley I. - she WOULD HAVE very much appreciated an early rose, but she didn't get one.  She's still in the game, though.

The man, the myth, the legend: BOBBY BOTTLESERVICE

Ashley I. aka Wanna Be Bobby Bottlservice who VERY MUCH APPRECIATES things.

Who just became a footnote in the Wikipedia entry about Bachelor Season 19?
Amber - perhaps suggesting that Chris slow dance with you and that you both "pretend it's our wedding" is a bit much?
Tracey - awww snap the girl who wouldn't shut up about how sad an adult, single woman is has now become an adult, single woman who got negged on network TV! The calls are coming from inside the house!
Trina - you've got beautiful blonde hair--you'll be fine, girl.

Next week we learn something that Mackenzie cares about a LOT, for whatever reason: there are TWO virgins inside the Bachelor manse!!  Get ready for a season finale of bloody sheets hung out the windows! (Too much?)

Bachelor Chris Recap - Ep 2: Two Widows, a Virgin, and a Pizza Place

Just when you think that The Bachelor can't get more self-referential and cartoonishly absurd, you get an episode like we experienced on Monday night.  Remember when those Scream movies came out (starting in 1996) and after a few years, the Wayans Brothers did comedy spoofs of those films (called Scary Movie) in which they took every standard slasher flick trope and turned it up to 11, to hilarious effect? THAT IS WHAT'S HAPPENING IN BACH LAND RIGHT NOW.  Everything is so hilariously overdone it's like a parody wrapped in an exaggeration dipped in free alcohol.

The episode picked up with Kimberly (a brunette yoga instructor from Strong Island) pleading for a spot in the house after having been told that Chris didn't want her in the house (communicated by her not receiving a rose).  This gal won't take no for an answer and she aint too proud to beg, so Chris relents and lets her stay.  Congratulations on scoring a Pity Bid, Kimberly.  Perhaps this week, someone in the house can clue you in on what the words dignity and grace mean.

The next morning (afternoon? Didn't that last ceremony end at sunrise?), Chris Harrison visits the concubines--err--ladies, and informs them that Prince Farming's residence is just down that hill and "there are no rules here."  If that's not a suggestion that these ladies give Mr. Soules the 'ole "Turkish Surprise" (I'm spouting off meaningless words now--it's been a long evening), I don't know what is.

It's time for Group Date #1 and the crew who has been asked to "show me you're country" (oh THEY WILL) is comprised of Jade (dark haired girl who Chris really liked the first night), Tandra (blonde whole rolled up on a motorcycle), Ashley I (Poor Man's Kim Kardashian who was seemingly born with fake eyelashes), Mackenzie (21 year-old mother to trendy produce son), Pity Bid Kimberly, and Tara the whiskey drinking fisherwoman who is 100% country.  The ladies meet Chris at a downtown LA rooftop pool where they strip down to swimsuits (thank God because Mackenzie's overall shorts were giving me flashbacks to 1996), play Chicken in the water (a game I will never understand the appeal of--how about we work on our tans and not be annoying instead?), and flirt.

Meanwhile back at the house, hyper competitive Jillian (who may or may not have been wearing ass-less bikini bottoms, based on that censor block on her rump) and Megan (who needs to learn that macrame beach cover-ups aren't doing anyone any favors ESPECIALLY when they match your flesh tone) break into Chris's house and rifle through his possessions like two bikini-clad Goldilocks.

Back on the group date, the gang is walking down a busy street in downtown LA and the girls are in bikinis and boots but Chris gets to be in swim shorts and a hoodie.  That's cool!  Chris informs them that their challenge for the day is a tractor race and yes, they will be mounting these tractors in their bikinis.  You know how farm equipment works, folks--you must be nearly nude in order to operate a tractor.  Trust Chris--he's a real farmer!  The "race" begins, unfolds at a pace of 3 MPH (if that), and Ashley I is the victor.  Her prize is some alone time with Chris during which she rocks a fierce, white bikini (you know how I love me a white bikini) and big hoops. It's a bit "J. Lo during her Diddy phase," but Ashley I pulls off the look.

Ashley I's confidence is shot when Chris informs the group that he'll be turning the evening portion of the date into a one-on-one with Mackenzie.  Chris and Mackenzie clean up for a night out during which Mackenzie says, "I'm like, super observant" (but you sound like, sort of a dumbass?), asks Chris if he believes in aliens (then demurs when he reciprocates the question. Come on! ONLY people who believe in aliens ask if other people believe in aliens--it's like Alien Fight Club in that non-weirdos just never bring up aliens), and reveals that she has a 1 year-old son named after the trendiest produce on the market right now: Kale.  Chris says that he loves kids and he gives her a rose.  I give her 3 weeks.

Back at the house, we learn that Jeulia (aggressive highlights that are too ashy) is also a widow (there are TWO widows in the house now, which seems like a whole LOT of widows for a group of women who are mostly under age 30) and she, too, has a child (Ireland).

Megan is the lucky recipient of a date card for a 1:1, though she thinks it's simply a love note from Chris because she doesn't understand how story lines move forward on reality TV.  Nonetheless, she gets cleaned up and heads off with Chris to a limo then a private jet then a helicopter and they take in the sights over Las Vegas.  They land at the edge of the Grand Canyon (and the helicopter pilot makes the most hilarious beeline out of the shot so that he can awkwardly sit alone in the Grand Canyon while they canoodle) then have a picnic by the water, where Megan talks about her late father.  She inverts the tired cliche of being "here for the right reasons" by saying that she "wouldn't be here for the wrong reasons" (such a trickster!) and they make out.  She scores a rose.

Another date card arrives at the Bachelor Manse and the gang is Kelsey (short hair), Trina (blonde and the only white woman in the world named Trina), Alissa (flight attendant/standup comedian), Tracey (sent to Earth to make adult, unmarried women feel ashamed of their life choices), Jillian (super competitive body builder whose pre-make up look can best be described as "Mr. Biggelsworth"), Becca (who I really dig and want to see more of), Amber (who I also dig and want to see more of), Ashley S (straight-up psychopath), Jeulia (widow #2), Kaitlyn (Canadian nightmare), and Britt (Hair and Teeth). Phew!

"I'll put on some eyeliner and mascara in a minute, guys" -Jillian

Their 2 limos arrive at an empty, darkened parking lot and are promptly attacked by horrifying zombies.  That fright inspires the ladies to throw back some shots of liquor (good girls).  The activity that night is a game of paintball against the zombies, though Ashley S loves that friendly fire and the ladies are feeling lucky that these guns don't contain live ammo.  The montage is like Black Hawk Down meets The Walking Dead and after all of the zombies are "dead," Ashley literally shoots them when they are down, earning her my most creative nickname to date, Rich Man's Lynndie England.  (Never forget the atrocities  committed by a handful of monsters at Abu Ghraib--seriously--it was a horrifying moment in our nation's history--but back to BACH!)

At the paintball after party, Kaitlyn tells Chris that she's "the fun one" (usually the one who is actually the fun one doesn't have to SAY it), Chris gives Britt a gift card for a free kiss (I feel like a Starbucks card would better retain its value), and Ashley S unravels to the point that I thought she was perhaps having a psychotic break and I'm not kidding.  She was incoherent, unable to organize her thoughts, and distracted, but that's just my Tuesday morning quarterbacking based on my recreational perusal of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th Edition (if you like US Weekly, you'll love DSM IV).  Chris gives a rose to Kaitlyn and I still don't get it.

Before you know it, it's time for the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party and Whitney (nasal voice) is chomping at the bit.  She has set up a mini-date by the fire with some of Chris's favorite whiskey (very sweet) and her red dress is a stunner--well played.  We learn that Ashley I (who is dolled up like Princess Jasmine from Aladdin On Ice) has never had a boyfriend and is a virgin and we ALSO learn that Mackenzie would make a hard bargaining pimp, as she says that "guys like taking your virginity--I'm jealous" and instructs Ashley on how she can use her virginity as currency.  The whole exchange is pretty horrifying and retrograde, but I've always found the verb "taking" to be problematic in relation to virginity talk.  Two people are participating here, no?  Who's taking what from who?  Blech.

Ashley I has some alone time with Chris and she tells him that he can rub her belly button ring and he'll get 3 wishes.  Huh?  Is this some 1990's live action remake of Aladdin that takes place at the mall and ends in a couple necking inside a PAC SUN (mama aint got time to say"ific" and "wear")? Chris gamely plays along (though he seems confused by the entire ruse) and they make out HARD (hard to the point where I wonder if she has ever kissed a guy before with how overdone and ridiculous it was).  Meanwhile, the human pile of hair (Britt) is crying without ruining her make-up (#impossible).  Later on the front steps, Amber is rocking a classic, retro cocktail dress that I love and she asks Chris for a kiss. Prince Farming is a kissing fool!  Well, he's a kissing fool for everyone except the very drunk Jordan.  Ya can't win 'em all, Colorado.

Finally, it's time to line 'em up, knock 'em down (in Jillian's case), and make 'em cry. Who is safe for another week?

Britt - rose #1 for the human Bratz doll
Ashley I - she is the Kim K to Chris's Kanye West (minus the sex tape)

Trina – who can resist a blonde in a dramatic dress? NO ONE! 

Kelsey – keeping the hair length diverse in the STD Shack 

Samantha – rocking dark hair and white dress for the 2nd week in a row

Then Chris says "Jeulia" (widow number dos), but Jillian (the super competitive body builder brunette) thinks she hears her name, so she walks out and promptly trips on the carpet, then attempts to recover by laughing at herself WAY too hard ("it's FINE! I'm HILARIOUS! CAREFREE! THE FUN ONE!") and Chris repeat's Jeulia's name. Overall, the Dumb Chills meter was going to 11! 

Amber – her short, geometric cocktail dress is very Sexy Tory Burch, don't you think? 

Tracey – the self-hating singleton with dark hair will live to see another week chez Bach 

Jillian – this time she walks out VERY carefully (as country girl Tara shakes her head)

Jade – her teal dress is very cute

(Aside: Jordan is visibly drunk her hair needs to be smoothed down BADLY)

Nikki – we didn't see the former NFL Cheerleader much this week, but I gotta admit that her spearmint green dress is lovely

Becca – great hair, super cute, flying under the radar

Carly – the blonde cruise boat performer sails on! 

Whitney – her stunning red dress almost makes up for her nasal voice 

Ashley S – the blonde gal's crazy train rolls on and I guarantee that the producers are making Chris keep her around for drama. 

So who is packing up their suitcase of fake eyelashes, bikinis, and broken dreams?
-Alissa, who keeps it together and exits gracefully 

-Pity Bid Kimberly, who has now been rejected TWICE in a row--ouch
-Jordan, who gives Chris a bear hug and wanders off in search of more booze
-Tara, the girl whose "job" is "sport fishing enthusiast" will have to go back to the 'ole sport fishing office but before she does, she'll ramble on national TV about how she's used to rejection by now and she never seems to be anybody's number 1. Oh girl, set a boundary and refuse to blubber on camera--you'll be glad that you did.

Next week we're back with more kissing, more tears, and more Jimmy Kimmel (huh?)--stay tuned!