Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Bachelor Chris Recap - Ep 2: Two Widows, a Virgin, and a Pizza Place

Just when you think that The Bachelor can't get more self-referential and cartoonishly absurd, you get an episode like we experienced on Monday night.  Remember when those Scream movies came out (starting in 1996) and after a few years, the Wayans Brothers did comedy spoofs of those films (called Scary Movie) in which they took every standard slasher flick trope and turned it up to 11, to hilarious effect? THAT IS WHAT'S HAPPENING IN BACH LAND RIGHT NOW.  Everything is so hilariously overdone it's like a parody wrapped in an exaggeration dipped in free alcohol.

The episode picked up with Kimberly (a brunette yoga instructor from Strong Island) pleading for a spot in the house after having been told that Chris didn't want her in the house (communicated by her not receiving a rose).  This gal won't take no for an answer and she aint too proud to beg, so Chris relents and lets her stay.  Congratulations on scoring a Pity Bid, Kimberly.  Perhaps this week, someone in the house can clue you in on what the words dignity and grace mean.

The next morning (afternoon? Didn't that last ceremony end at sunrise?), Chris Harrison visits the concubines--err--ladies, and informs them that Prince Farming's residence is just down that hill and "there are no rules here."  If that's not a suggestion that these ladies give Mr. Soules the 'ole "Turkish Surprise" (I'm spouting off meaningless words now--it's been a long evening), I don't know what is.

It's time for Group Date #1 and the crew who has been asked to "show me you're country" (oh THEY WILL) is comprised of Jade (dark haired girl who Chris really liked the first night), Tandra (blonde whole rolled up on a motorcycle), Ashley I (Poor Man's Kim Kardashian who was seemingly born with fake eyelashes), Mackenzie (21 year-old mother to trendy produce son), Pity Bid Kimberly, and Tara the whiskey drinking fisherwoman who is 100% country.  The ladies meet Chris at a downtown LA rooftop pool where they strip down to swimsuits (thank God because Mackenzie's overall shorts were giving me flashbacks to 1996), play Chicken in the water (a game I will never understand the appeal of--how about we work on our tans and not be annoying instead?), and flirt.

Meanwhile back at the house, hyper competitive Jillian (who may or may not have been wearing ass-less bikini bottoms, based on that censor block on her rump) and Megan (who needs to learn that macrame beach cover-ups aren't doing anyone any favors ESPECIALLY when they match your flesh tone) break into Chris's house and rifle through his possessions like two bikini-clad Goldilocks.

Back on the group date, the gang is walking down a busy street in downtown LA and the girls are in bikinis and boots but Chris gets to be in swim shorts and a hoodie.  That's cool!  Chris informs them that their challenge for the day is a tractor race and yes, they will be mounting these tractors in their bikinis.  You know how farm equipment works, folks--you must be nearly nude in order to operate a tractor.  Trust Chris--he's a real farmer!  The "race" begins, unfolds at a pace of 3 MPH (if that), and Ashley I is the victor.  Her prize is some alone time with Chris during which she rocks a fierce, white bikini (you know how I love me a white bikini) and big hoops. It's a bit "J. Lo during her Diddy phase," but Ashley I pulls off the look.

Ashley I's confidence is shot when Chris informs the group that he'll be turning the evening portion of the date into a one-on-one with Mackenzie.  Chris and Mackenzie clean up for a night out during which Mackenzie says, "I'm like, super observant" (but you sound like, sort of a dumbass?), asks Chris if he believes in aliens (then demurs when he reciprocates the question. Come on! ONLY people who believe in aliens ask if other people believe in aliens--it's like Alien Fight Club in that non-weirdos just never bring up aliens), and reveals that she has a 1 year-old son named after the trendiest produce on the market right now: Kale.  Chris says that he loves kids and he gives her a rose.  I give her 3 weeks.

Back at the house, we learn that Jeulia (aggressive highlights that are too ashy) is also a widow (there are TWO widows in the house now, which seems like a whole LOT of widows for a group of women who are mostly under age 30) and she, too, has a child (Ireland).

Megan is the lucky recipient of a date card for a 1:1, though she thinks it's simply a love note from Chris because she doesn't understand how story lines move forward on reality TV.  Nonetheless, she gets cleaned up and heads off with Chris to a limo then a private jet then a helicopter and they take in the sights over Las Vegas.  They land at the edge of the Grand Canyon (and the helicopter pilot makes the most hilarious beeline out of the shot so that he can awkwardly sit alone in the Grand Canyon while they canoodle) then have a picnic by the water, where Megan talks about her late father.  She inverts the tired cliche of being "here for the right reasons" by saying that she "wouldn't be here for the wrong reasons" (such a trickster!) and they make out.  She scores a rose.

Another date card arrives at the Bachelor Manse and the gang is Kelsey (short hair), Trina (blonde and the only white woman in the world named Trina), Alissa (flight attendant/standup comedian), Tracey (sent to Earth to make adult, unmarried women feel ashamed of their life choices), Jillian (super competitive body builder whose pre-make up look can best be described as "Mr. Biggelsworth"), Becca (who I really dig and want to see more of), Amber (who I also dig and want to see more of), Ashley S (straight-up psychopath), Jeulia (widow #2), Kaitlyn (Canadian nightmare), and Britt (Hair and Teeth). Phew!
"I'll put on some eyeliner and mascara in a minute, guys" -Jillian
Their 2 limos arrive at an empty, darkened parking lot and are promptly attacked by horrifying zombies.  That fright inspires the ladies to throw back some shots of liquor (good girls).  The activity that night is a game of paintball against the zombies, though Ashley S loves that friendly fire and the ladies are feeling lucky that these guns don't contain live ammo.  The montage is like Black Hawk Down meets The Walking Dead and after all of the zombies are "dead," Ashley literally shoots them when they are down, earning her my most creative nickname to date, Rich Man's Lynndie England.  (Never forget the atrocities  committed by a handful of monsters at Abu Ghraib--seriously--it was a horrifying moment in our nation's history--but back to BACH!)

At the paintball after party, Kaitlyn tells Chris that she's "the fun one" (usually the one who is actually the fun one doesn't have to SAY it), Chris gives Britt a gift card for a free kiss (I feel like a Starbucks card would better retain its value), and Ashley S unravels to the point that I thought she was perhaps having a psychotic break and I'm not kidding.  She was incoherent, unable to organize her thoughts, and distracted, but that's just my Tuesday morning quarterbacking based on my recreational perusal of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th Edition (if you like US Weekly, you'll love DSM IV).  Chris gives a rose to Kaitlyn and I still don't get it.

Before you know it, it's time for the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party and Whitney (nasal voice) is chomping at the bit.  She has set up a mini-date by the fire with some of Chris's favorite whiskey (very sweet) and her red dress is a stunner--well played.  We learn that Ashley I (who is dolled up like Princess Jasmine from Aladdin On Ice) has never had a boyfriend and is a virgin and we ALSO learn that Mackenzie would make a hard bargaining pimp, as she says that "guys like taking your virginity--I'm jealous" and instructs Ashley on how she can use her virginity as currency.  The whole exchange is pretty horrifying and retrograde, but I've always found the verb "taking" to be problematic in relation to virginity talk.  Two people are participating here, no?  Who's taking what from who?  Blech.

Ashley I has some alone time with Chris and she tells him that he can rub her belly button ring and he'll get 3 wishes.  Huh?  Is this some 1990's live action remake of Aladdin that takes place at the mall and ends in a couple necking inside a PAC SUN (mama aint got time to say"ific" and "wear")? Chris gamely plays along (though he seems confused by the entire ruse) and they make out HARD (hard to the point where I wonder if she has ever kissed a guy before with how overdone and ridiculous it was).  Meanwhile, the human pile of hair (Britt) is crying without ruining her make-up (#impossible).  Later on the front steps, Amber is rocking a classic, retro cocktail dress that I love and she asks Chris for a kiss. Prince Farming is a kissing fool!  Well, he's a kissing fool for everyone except the very drunk Jordan.  Ya can't win 'em all, Colorado.

Finally, it's time to line 'em up, knock 'em down (in Jillian's case), and make 'em cry. Who is safe for another week?

Britt - rose #1 for the human Bratz doll
Ashley I - she is the Kim K to Chris's Kanye West (minus the sex tape)
Trina – who can resist a blonde in a dramatic dress? NO ONE! 
Kelsey – keeping the hair length diverse in the STD Shack 
Samantha – rocking dark hair and white dress for the 2nd week in a row

Then Chris says "Jeulia" (widow number dos), but Jillian (the super competitive body builder brunette) thinks she hears her name, so she walks out and promptly trips on the carpet, then attempts to recover by laughing at herself WAY too hard ("it's FINE! I'm HILARIOUS! CAREFREE! THE FUN ONE!") and Chris repeat's Jeulia's name. Overall, the Dumb Chills meter was going to 11! 

Amber – her short, geometric cocktail dress is very Sexy Tory Burch, don't you think? 
Tracey – the self-hating singleton with dark hair will live to see another week chez Bach 
Jillian – this time she walks out VERY carefully (as country girl Tara shakes her head)
Jade – her teal dress is very cute
(Aside: Jordan is visibly drunk her hair needs to be smoothed down BADLY)
Nikki – we didn't see the former NFL Cheerleader much this week, but I gotta admit that her spearmint green dress is lovely
Becca – great hair, super cute, flying under the radar
Carly – the blonde cruise boat performer sails on! 
Whitney – her stunning red dress almost makes up for her nasal voice 
Ashley S – the blonde gal's crazy train rolls on and I guarantee that the producers are making Chris keep her around for drama. 

So who is packing up their suitcase of fake eyelashes, bikinis, and broken dreams?
-Alissa, who keeps it together and exits gracefully 
-Pity Bid Kimberly, who has now been rejected TWICE in a row--ouch
-Jordan, who gives Chris a bear hug and wanders off in search of more booze
-Tara, the girl whose "job" is "sport fishing enthusiast" will have to go back to the 'ole sport fishing office but before she does, she'll ramble on national TV about how she's used to rejection by now and she never seems to be anybody's number 1. Oh girl, set a boundary and refuse to blubber on camera--you'll be glad that you did.

Next week we're back with more kissing, more tears, and more Jimmy Kimmel (huh?)--stay tuned!


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  2. Mr. Bigelsworth...oh man...too funny! Can't wait to see what happens next week and what on earth it has to do with Jimmy Kimmel!

  3. Yeah, the Jimmy Kimmel tie-in is bizarre. When they had the mysterious guy walk in, I was hoping that it would be Dylan from last season, alas it's a random late night host. We'll see! :)