Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Bachelor Chris Recap - Ep 3: Coachella Style & Jimmy Kimmel

On Monday night Jimmy Kimmel weaseled his way into a full episode of The Bachelor and he managed to make Bachelor Nation AND the participants in this show laugh while mocking the reality TV institution that we all love.

Kimmel referred to the women as "sister wives" (zing), made a joke about sleeping with each of them (spicy for ABC around 8:00pm), and instituted an Amazing Jar where everyone had to deposit a dollar for each time they uttered the chronically overused word "amazing."  I'm a sucker for a silly jar, though I'm partial to a Swearing Jar.

The first date of the episode goes to Kaitlyn (the Canadian "comedian") and having a real comedian on set seemed to make Kaitlyn stop telling bad jokes.  She broke out a Pearl Jam chic look for their date--a shopping trip to Costco.  Jimmy Kimmel sent them on the date, saying the he wanted them to have a normal activity as a date. I can't WAIT for the date during which they read a People Magazine from 6 months ago in a dentist's waiting room then get an oil change!  Prince Farming and Kaitlyn had as much fun as you can have in a Costco and Chris kept marveling at how well she rolled with the punches.  Well, what else is she going to do?  Have a princess meltdown while the cameras roll?  OF COURSE she rolled with the punches!

That evening they prepare dinner for themselves and Jimmy Kimmel and then sit down for a dinner that gave me flashbacks to Elimidate.  Kimmel breaks out the hard-hitting questions ("have you dated a farmer before?" "have you dated a Canadian before?") in between his homoerotic jokes aimed at Chris.  Kimmel also pulls no punches about what goes on in the Fantasy Suite and Kaitlyn says that you need to test drive a car before you buy it. For that she earns a rose!

Up next is a group date and the crew is Britt (Ariana Grande), Jillian (super competitive false eyelash addict who may or may not have a hairy bum), Becca (great hair, slow burn), Tracey (hasn't said much since she ragged on "crazy cat ladies"), Mackenzie (whose son is named the 2013 version of Brussel Sprouts), Kelsey (short haired widow), Juelia (long haired widow), Amber (pretty, slow burn), Ashley S. (in the midst of a breakdown but still holding out for a hero 'till the morning light), Samantha (dark hair, personality?), Nikki (was once a professional cheerleader, is now an... unemployed dancer?), and Carly (cruise ship singer blonde).

The group date that Jimmy Kimmel has supposedly planned is a Hoedown Throwdown.  The girls will compete in 5 challenges: corn shucking, egg finding and cooking, goat milking and drinking, manure shoveling, and pig wrangling.  The corn shucking should be the easiest part, but Tracey immediately shouts, "this is hard" as Jillian bursts ahead because she's SUPER COMPETITIVE.  (Sidenote: if you are a self-described SUPER COMPETITIVE person, I hate you.  I have never understood people who are competitive.  Who cares?  About any of it?)  Jillian and her daisy dukes aren't in the lead for long, as Carly the cruise ship entertainer comes from behind the win the whole thing! I didn't think that ANYONE would be able to wrangle a pig, but who knows what they do on cruise ships that prepared Carly for that task.  Her "prize" is that she gets to pose for an American Gothic-style photo with Chris (and based on Carly's blank facial expressions upon seeing the backdrop and props, girl is NOT familiar with that painting).  In old timey glasses and overalls, Chris goes from Prince Farming to Williamsburg Hipster and I am not a fan.  Bring back the beefcake, please!

That night at the after party Carly is feeling confident and she leans in to kiss Chris after saying, "you're a man... and I'm a woman..." and I wish she had launched in on a list ("and those people over there are also women, and Jamie Lee Curtis was allegedly born a hermaphrodite but became a woman, and that greenery over there is a plant...").  Mackenzie is 21 going on 14 as she confronts Chris about how many girls he has been kissing. She promptly regrets confront him about it, says she feels stupid, and hopes that he isn't mad at her (mad for expressing how you feel?).  Girl, it's time to have your own back.  Your feelings are valid because yes, it's hard to watch your crush mack it to other women but ALSO you are on a TV show whose entire premise is that.  Maybe time for a lil journaling?  Good Lord I'm here to make fun of you--WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO ME, READERS? Becca gets some alone time with Chris and makes a fantastic impression (atta girl!) which results in a rose for the girl with the great blondish/brownish hair.  Sorry, Carly and Kelsey--you ladies chugged warm, unpasteurized goat milk for NOTHING!

Whitney (blonde with a voice like a nasal nightmare and a dopey sense of humor) scores a one-on-one date and they head to a winery.  She's rocking a cool statement necklace beneath a sleeveless jean jacket and it looks cute, but a sleeveless jean jacket will always remind me of The Outsiders.

My name is Whitney and I make
babies for a living. HONK! 

As they sip wine, Whitney asks Chris what he wants and he responds that he wants an easygoing, genuine girl who can go with the flow (he phrases it "roll the cow" or "roll the cab" or something equally strange).  Whitney starts a conversational song and dance through which she attempts to prove that she's easygoing and down-to-Earth but the effect is exactly the opposite.  Over their shoulders an outdoor wedding is just starting and as soon as they spot it, Whitney unleashes a hat trick of stunningly dumb and selfish things:
-she immediately suggests that they crash the wedding
-she tries to bolster her case by saying "YOLO" as in "you only live once" in the way that utter morons share that conceit
-she says "there's just something about weddings that's very romantic." SOMETHING.  Whatever could it be?  That's like saying that there's just SOMETHING about a steak house that is very meaty!

So the two a-holes (I'm sorry, but wedding crashing is just SO tacky and crummy) get dressed up, get a gift (isn't the entire point of wedding crashing that you are essentially stealing free drinks from strangers without contributing anything?), and head into the party.  They feel foolishly protected by their story: they finished shooting the show, got married, and now they are an engaged couple.  Good story, but umm... you guys STILL aren't invited to this wedding.  Chris is thoroughly impressed by Whitney's ability to sell lie after lie into the faces of well-meaning strangers (great quality in a life partner!) and he gives her a rose saying, "this won't be the last wedding Whitney and I crash if we get married."  Huh?  For a woman who doesn't want a traditional wedding EVER, I have very strong feelings about wedding crashing and I think it's the most chickenshit, faux "I'm zany" bullshit you can ever pull. Le fin.

The next day it's pool party time and everyone except Ashley I. and Mackenzie is fired up ("this is the most best day ever!" -Megan).  The ladies are deep into Coachella style with the number of sparkly headband things being outdone only by the number of sets of fake eyelashes.  Aint nobody dunking their heads at THIS pool party! The sun is shining, the women circling Chris are being compared to sharks by Kaitlyn, and the drinks are flowing--what better time to pull Chris aside and tell him about the suicide of your ex-husband than today, thinks Juelia!  No day but TODAAAAAY (#rent)!  Admittedly, I'm not sure WHEN there is a good time to talk about heavy stuff with a hottie who you hardly know while cameras roll, but poolside just felt a bit odd.  Britt and Chris make out hard, then Chris walks Jade down to his house to give her a tour of his house (and bed--HONK!).  While Chris and Jade canoodle in the house, Jillian lays in wait in the hot tub and as I said on Twitter, the girl who waits for you in the hot tub is the girl who will wear your skin as a shirt someday.  Chris joins Jillian in the hot tub and their conversation mostly consists of Jillian saying "like" every third word.  Mackenzie, Ashley I., and Megan join them but then opt to give the couple some alone time, naively thinking that they will each take turns having one-on-one time with Chris.  Super competitive Jillian isn't about to play nice (of course she't not) and Ashley I. becomes upset when she realizes that Jillian won't be sharing the spotlight.  Ashley I. heads back to her mansion to wallow in her sadness and perhaps confide in Ashley S. (Ashleys helping Ashleys (TM)) but she is soon disrupted by Chris who has come to find her and shove his tongue down her throat as they practically fall off the upstairs patio.  Love conquers all!

The rose ceremony is up next and after her game of tonsil hockey with Chris, Ashley I. says that she would "very much appreciate being picked early in the rose ceremony" and I assume she must be a fan of Bobby Bottleservice because she talks just like him!  Wow, for a girl who works as a "freelance journalist" (though I'm sure she means "unemployed English major with a tumblr") she has terrible speaking and writing skills!  Before you know it, the girls are lined up in cocktail dresses and Jimmy Kimmel is giving Chris a pep talk about how silly all of this is.  Kaitlyn, Becca, and Whitney already have roses so they are safe.  Who scores a rose and lives to see another week in the Bach Manse?

Jade - did you notice her tan bra when she visited Chris's house? What was that about?
Samantha - I hope she grows a personality/voice box one of these weeks!
Juelia - seems like a cool girl and now her whole story is out, which must be a relief for her.
Mackenzie - that girl is so friggin' 21: "the only thing that matters is that Chris isn't upset with me somehow!"
Kelsey - was her dress made of scraps of old, grey sweatpants?
Britt - that day glo pink dress isn't doing ANYBODY any favors, even Brit.
Megan - holy cleavage and fuscia lips, Megan! She looks like a blonde Jessica Rabbit!
Carly - is that a dress or wallpaper that you have fashioned into a top?
Ashley S. - is she back on her meds? She seems functional this episode--what is going on here?
Nikki - how about you bring something to the table sometime soon, K?
Jillian - that fantastic blue, lace dress makes up for the fact that you're a nightmare.
Ashley I. - she WOULD HAVE very much appreciated an early rose, but she didn't get one.  She's still in the game, though.

The man, the myth, the legend: BOBBY BOTTLESERVICE
Ashley I. aka Wanna Be Bobby Bottlservice who VERY MUCH APPRECIATES things.

Who just became a footnote in the Wikipedia entry about Bachelor Season 19?
Amber - perhaps suggesting that Chris slow dance with you and that you both "pretend it's our wedding" is a bit much?
Tracey - awww snap the girl who wouldn't shut up about how sad an adult, single woman is has now become an adult, single woman who got negged on network TV! The calls are coming from inside the house!
Trina - you've got beautiful blonde hair--you'll be fine, girl.

Next week we learn something that Mackenzie cares about a LOT, for whatever reason: there are TWO virgins inside the Bachelor manse!!  Get ready for a season finale of bloody sheets hung out the windows! (Too much?)

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