Thursday, January 29, 2015

Bachelor Chris Recap - Ep 4: We Get It, You're A Virgin!

It's that time in the season when the episodes get juicier and more exciting and I lose my ability to crank our recaps quickly.  I'm sorry!  We got hit with a weirdo storm and I have had a ton of gigs--there are just too many good things going on in my vida loca!

So this recap is going to be as succinct as I can muster (which isn't especially succinct because I'm a rambling man when it comes to talking smack).

Chris Harrison gives the remaining ladies the lay of the land: this week there will be 2 group dates and a single one-on-one date for a girl who will be chosen by Chris' 3 blonde sisters.  Yes, it's a family affair and if you want to charm the sisters, you had better love playing Ghosts In the Graveyard!  (Remember Andi's season, Bachelor Nation?)

The first group date is Megan (blonde kinda bland), Kaitlyn (hella tiresome Canadian "comedian"), Ashley S. (*dut dut du do du da doo do dut dut du do du doo do* that's a transcription of the guitar opening to "Crazy Train" obviously), Ashley I. (wanna be Kardashian virgin), Juelia (baby mama with a late husband),  Samantha (brunette who has said ZERO words so far this season--it's like a new record for getting NO time on camera), Mackenzie (I bet was big into the X Files), Kelsey (short haired widow).  The date card says "let's do what feels natural" and the ladies crack a bunch of jokes about how much make-up they all wear 24/7.  It's true--the only girl who occasionally rocks a bare face is Jillian and when she does, I compare her to Mr. Bigglesworth.  Like the old saying goes: Damned if you do, hairless cat look-alike if you don't.  They load up some vintage convertibles (I hope somebody brought along spray in conditioner because convertibles may be fun but they are MISERY on loose hair) and drive to a lake where they spend the day swimming, drinking, and boating.

Hi, I'm Kelsey! Just a bubbly Austin gal
Ashley I. is looking for a way to "break out of her shyness" and she finds it in taking off her American flag bikini top and jumping off the floating dock.  Kaitlyn follows suit (NO PUN INTENDED BUT OMG HOW MUCH DO I RULE WITH THE SWIMSUIT JOKES?) and strips off her bikini bottoms before jumping in the water.  Short haired Kelsey is NOT happy and says that this is a date made for bimbos.  She says that there are better lakes in Michigan and refers to this one as a "hell hole" (hey, at least you know where you stand in a HELL HOLE, right?), she'd like to stab herself in the eye with a fork, and then gets stung by a bee right in the crotch area.  Somebody has had a lil too much birthday.  We're seeing the first seeds of Two Faced Kelsey emerge--she's whiney and negative around he girls but turns on the charm in front of Chris.  Aha--one of you appears every season--it's just a matter of who will play that role.

Oh, but the day isn't over after the final game of Red Rover (the worst game in the world)--the gang is going to be CAMPING OUT!  As they erect their tents, Mackenzie cracks jokes about holes and insertion (cause she's 21 going on 13) and makes more comments about aliens (this is the 2nd time she has brought up aliens, as Bachelorette alum Nick Peterson shrewdly noticed).

That night the crew gathers around the campfire to drink whiskey, dance, and tell scary stories by the flashlight.  Ashley S. has one-on-one time with Chris during which she asks him "what are you?" over and over; Kelsey sulks until she gets some alone time with Chris and then she flips a switch and becomes a giggling, bubbly fun time gal; and Ashley I. says something about how much she likes Chris that involves the phrase "you don't even know, " proving once and for all that she IS Bobby Bottleservice.  In the middle of the night, Ashley "I was born in an Ed Hardy T-shirt" I. goes to Chris' tent and confesses to him that she's inexperienced "in every way possible" (GET IT?) and that "basically, like, so far I feel like I’ve been portrayed as not how I am" (wait 'till the producers cut up your outtakes, girl) and finally, that despite her looks and attitude, she's actually a nerd (OH I BELIEVE YOU, Ashley!).  Chris is half asleep and seems confused, but Ashley exits his tent feeling reassured that they had a good, honest conversation.  

Hi, I'm Ashley I. and I used to be an awkward
nerd, if you can believe it.  
While these ladies are getting the smell of campfire embedded into their expertly-curled hair, back at the house Chris' 3 sisters Jackie, Laurie, and Lisa are interviewing the housebound ladies.  The sisters are tough interviewers and don't pull any punches, inquiring about the girls' dating histories and willingness to move to Iowa.  Jade admits that she's a model (but recently launched a make-up line), Britt says that she sees herself as the front runner, and Carly wins my heart by getting emotional and saying that guys haven't been very nice to her, as far as dating goes. Oh girl. I get you SO MUCH. I'm sorry I ever mocked you, sweet cruise ship performer. If you want to hear ME get emotional about how guys weren't very nice to me, listen to my episode of RISK here.  But I digress!

I would have bet big money that Carly's sweet words would win her the 1:1 date card (as selected by the trio of blonde sisters), but Jade is the victor.  Once the girls are assembled back in the Bachelor Manse the next day, Jade is whisked away (well, not that far away--just to another room) where a faux fairy godmother helps her pick out a dress, jewelry, and shoes.  Ashley I. is extremely jealous as she watches the Cinderella scene unfold, saying that SHE should haven been chosen for the princess date, not the camping date.  Is there anything sadder than watching a grown woman who is obsessed with recreating the toxic gender dynamics of a fairy tale?

Yeah there is--watching a professional orchestra serenade a bachelor and his surprise date while they muddle through some bush league ballroom dancing moves on an elevated platform.  Jade and Chris have a good date, though, and share that they have both been engaged before.  They dance on that platform, watch a clip of Disney's new Cinderella (there was nothing subtle about that product placement), then Jade runs off as the clock strikes midnight (but doesn't lose a shoe OR fall down the stairs--I was hoping for a more exiting exit).

The final group date is Nikki (former NFL cheerleader with giant eyes), Jillian (hairless cat gym rat), Whitney (voice like nails on a chalkboard), Carly (my soul mate in hair color and life experiences), Britt (wears make-up in her sleep), and Becca (slow burn who RULZ) and it involves each girl putting on a white wedding dress, flying to San Francisco, and going through a Tough Mudder-style muddy obstacle course.  The challenge was like a miniature Running of the Brides at Filene's Basement (BOSTON!) but with fewer ladies and more dirt.  Jillian is insanely competitive so she wins the challenge (of course), but loses the war (Chris).

During their dinner date (that Jillian wins as a result of coming in first place on the obstacle course), Jillian won't shut up about sports, lifting, dirty jokes, and her hatred of planning and goal setting (because she's just good at stuff and it comes naturally, you guys).  She comes up for air during a brief moment during which Chris takes the rose in his hand and then sends her home. Talk about a fake out! She starts crying, says "situation" a million times, and regrets not revealing herself sooner, but that's not the issue here, girl!  You DID reveal yourself just now and Chris don't like it. Ciao!

Before we know it, it's cocktail party time and Megan's look is far too uniform in color (all tan/gold) but she soldiers on with a weird fondue "date" during which she makes Chris eat chocolate covered fruit while blindfolded then guess what he is eating.  She doesn't know how many senses we have and I sense that she'll be sent home soon. Heyo!

Ashley I. continues to be 26 going on 14 and she pulls Chris aside to inform him for the second time that she's a virgin but IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL and don't take it too seriously!  Just look up at the skywriting up there, it says "I'M A VIRGIN -ASHLEY I."--can you see it?  She reports back to her bizarre fairy God Pimp, Mackenzie (who is acting oddly mature for a 21-year-old alien conspiracy theorist) then breaks down in tears.  During this drama Becca reveals that she, too, is a virgin but in her case it is ACTUALLY not a big deal.  Oh Becca, you have great hair and a great way about you.  Keep on trucking! Britt snaps at Chris about the camping date and the fact that Kaitlyn took off her bikini bottoms and that said "behavior and action was validated" by her receiving a rose. Well well well, Britt--SOMEBODY has been reading self help books!

Finally it's rose ceremony time.  Kaitlyn and Jade already have roses.  Who will live to see another week chez Bach?

Whitney - will Chris EVER tire of that voice (not to mention personality)?  We can only hope.
Carly - me, if I were to live in the Bachelor Manse
Megan - blonde dummy (though I gotta note: the first 3 ladies picked are BLONDIES! Yahooo!)
Samantha - will she utter a single word this season? STAY TUNED!
McKenzie - alien believer who knows the value of a virgin (#horrible)
Kelsey - short haired TWO FACE
Becca - keep an eye on this girl--she's going places! (Places = fantasy suite)
Ashley I. - next week the baby deer announces that her hymen is in tact ONE MORE TIME!
Britt - last place for the girl who thinks SHE is the favorite! That's what we call eating HUMBLE PIE!

So who is hitting the bricks? Ashley S. (I truly hope that she gets the help that she needs and finds a more stable cocktail of meds), Nikki (time to get a job, huh, Former NFL Dancer?), and Juelia (time to go back to baby).  Next week the crew heads to Santa Fe, New Mexico where Kelsey goes from being two faced to being straight-up hysterical.  I can't wait!

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