Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Ep 8: TEARS in Ireland

Monday night's episode of The Bachelorette found us back in Ireland and the recurring theme was TEARS. It was like Tears in Heaven, only not about a dead child but instead about a reality TV dating show that has gotten VERY INTENSE!  There were tears all over the joint: lots out of Kaitlyn (good waterproof mascara), off camera tears from Shawn, on-camera tears from weasel Nick (a real shocker!), and dramatic tears out of Chris the Cupcake. Things got heavy (and I'm not just talking about the type of dudes I like to date).

The show started with Shawn in a snug henley (his uniform) arriving at Kaitlyn's door to get more reassurance about her feelings.  Kaitlyn is anxious because she thinks that Nick spilled the beans of their "intimate night" (wink wink) to the guys.  He did NOT, but Shawn is still feeling insecure and needy.  Man, if he only KNEW just how insecure he COULD be feeling!

The next day is the infamous 2-on-1, a date from which 1 person usually returns, unless you're Farmer Chris and you drop BOTH ladies in the middle of the badlands (best Bach episode ever).  JJ (Former Investment Banker who has SOMEHOW stayed in the game this long) and Joe (whiskey loving hottie with a sorta squished face) are the participants and they are fired up.  JJ says that "today's the biggest day of my recent life" and I want to ask him if he considers the moment when his daughter was born (3 years ago) "recent" or not. For baby girl's sake, I hope not!  The trio has a picnic of drinks on the Isle of Skye and Joe finally opens up to Kaitlyn.  Joe has a calm and charming way about him and he reveals that he DOES feel a connection with Kaitlyn and he can't get enough of her. I don't think he'll be around much longer (too little, too late), but he's a good egg.  In his alone time with Kaitlyn, JJ reveals that he cheated on his ex-wife "3 years ago" (so, presumably when she was pregnant or had a newborn--way to go, Nightmare Guy). Wow. I can't believe that the "former investment banker's" big reveal isn't that he got busted for insider trading or liquidating some sweet school teacher's retirement funds!  The threesome sit together in the sunset and Kaitlyn wisely sends JJ home, saying that he should get back to his daughter.  Good move, girl.  I can only imagine what was going through JJ's head, "I just admitted to America that I cheated on my wife and ruined my marriage FOR NOTHING?"  Thems the breaks, loser.  Go look up Clint.  Kaitlyn and Joe sail off together and he scores a rose.

Back at the castle hotel that night, Shawn needs MORE reassurance and I really wish he'd stop showing up on Kaitlyn's doorstep. Like a quote that I read in the NYTimes this weekend and will now butcher--making moves is easy, standing still is hard.  Just CHILL OUT, bud.  Again, Kaitlyn is worried about how much Shawn knows and she need not be.  He's just been sitting in a hunched over position in a garden all damn day and night.  Apparently a few days ago she reassured him a bit TOO MUCH off camera (and gave him the impression that he's "the one") and now he's stunned that the show is continuing, it seems.  Buddy needs to get a clue.

It's time for a rose ceremony and Kaitlyn's rocking a sparkly ball gown with cut outs that's very Figure Skater Chic/Beyonce at the Met Gala.
Picture this, but in black and with brown hair worn
 down, plus lots of bronzer and that's Kaitlyn!
The only person who loves bronzer more than I do is Kaitlyn and she isn't afraid to show it.  Upon arrival at the cocktail party, Kaitlyn makes a cryptic speech about "making mistakes" and Nick seems nonchalant that she just called him a "mistake" to his face (love it), while narcissist Shawn thinks she's talking about him and he somehow turns ugly, to me.  Anyone else?

Has his face morphed or has his neediness
 just made him seem less hot?
Kaitlyn and Nick have some alone time during which she tells him in no uncertain terms to NOT SNITCH about HumpGate. Nick admits that he's nervous and he's been the overconfident guy who got his heartbroken before (cough--Andi--cough).  She has some good conversations but everyone is anxious and emotional--there are a whole lot of guys gripping their foreheads and the bridges of their noses. The tension is thick!

3 guys already have roses:
Nick (his rose was a gift when he entered Hump City, USA, population: 2), Joe (hard earned from the 2-on-1), and Jared (scored on group date last episode).  3 roses are up for grabs and 2 guys will be going home.

Who scored a flower?
Ben H. - a late bloomer and I'm surprised he's still around.
Chris Cupcake - nice guy, but too earnest and corny. Mama needs a lil edge.
Shawn - the final rose! Now please CALM DOWN and maybe she won't find you annoying.

Departing from STD Shack will be Tanner (all he offered was deadpan comic relief) and--it is with great sadness that I report this--Ben Z. Yes, hottie brick shithouse with great tattoos Ben Z. is going home, but the guy who rolled up inside a cupcake is still in the running. Am I taking crazy pills!?  With the departure of Ben Z., Ben H. now becomes simply "Ben." Congrats, jerky! You don't deserve it.

The next day the boys load up in a bus for a ride to Killarney and Jared is lucky enough to be invited to ride in Kaitlyn's car for the trip.  Way to go, Olive Garden!  Jared and Kaitlyn have a cute, natural dynamic and they make a few fun pit stops on the way, one of which is a journey to kiss the Blarney Stone, then kiss each other, and I wish that one had said "you taste like Blarney Stone" but you can't always get what you want.

I'm needy and I snore when I sleep--
what's not to love?
The bus of dudes rolls into town and corny Chris Cupcake says that this small town is what his soul looks like (please stop--I can't handle more dumb chills).  Chris Harrison arrives and shares some UNPRECEDENTED changes--there will be some off camera time between Kaitlyn and the guys, she will pare down the group from 6 to 3 toot suite, and 3 guys will get fantasy suite dates THEN she'll visit the hometowns of the final 2.  Woa!  What is going on here!? The formula is changing slightly but somehow it feels like a  cataclysmic shift!

Chris Cupcake scores the first date in this new paradigm and he seems thrilled, but oh Cupcake, this date aint going to have a sweet ending.  They hop in a helicopter and fly to the Cliffs of Moher for a picnic right on the edge during which Kaitlyn breaks down and ends things with Chris.  He seems stunned and leans his face SUPER CLOSE to hers, which I'm sure is really calming to her. Buh.  He kisses her forehead, they hug, and her dramatic exit feels like the last helicopter out of Siagon.  Chris is left to weep and speak to himself in 3rd person right by the edge of the cliff and I seriously thought he was going to fall or jump.  He did NOT fall or jump, but he did call her "a mess" and say that "she deserves a lifetime of happiness and I'm not sure she's ready to find that yet." Oh, she is, Cupcake--just not with a guy who she first locked eyes with while he was inside a bizarre pastry car.  Byyyyye. Good luck in the enamel biz.

Next week, Kaitlyn will tell the boys the whole truth (confess to HumpGate) and there will be more tears.  In honor of her upcoming confession, I leave you with this:

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Ep 7: Totally 90s!

As Miranda said to Carrie in a memorable episode of Sex & the City, I’M LATE (with this recap).  My apologies, love bugs.  I’ve been strangely exhausted and sick for about 2 weeks now and that illness has been sucking my will to snark.

Thankfully, Ian successfully revived my will to talk shit.  Monday’s episode opened up with his diatribe AT Kaitlyn about how she’s a “surface level person” and how everyone on there seemed to be “on vacation from life.” Dating is supposed to be FUN, buddy.  This isn’t an LSAT Review course, it’s The Bachelorette. Loosen up, Princeton.  Cue up the Fiona Apple because Ian was hoping to meet a sad, sullen girl  (if only he had known me back when I was in high school! I was HELLA SULLEN.)

Finally, Ian stops talking and Kaitlyn calmly tells him that he is extremely rude and offensive and asks, “and you feel good about that?”  Ian The Letdown exits and tells the camera, “I went to Princeton, Deerfield—that’s what I have to offer.” And now you are the alumni laughing stock of TWO respected schools.  After all of his insistence that Kaitlyn’s suitors are “lames” and “not smart” and uncouth, Ian’s final words are “I need to have some sex!”  Don’t you just love a hypocrite with a gross balding pattern? 

Wise and wily Nick takes advantage of the situation and comforts Kaitlyn, telling her that he loves how much fun she is and that she can ALSO have real, in-depth conversations.  Nice move, Normcore Nick (name written by Tom Friedman).

After that, ABC serves up some foreshadowing with Kaitlyn saying that “intimacy is an important part of a relationship and I’m not afraid to say that.” Intimacy, HUH? What’s that I hear in the background—is that some R.  Kelly?

Up next is a rose ceremony at the Alamo and for 2 guys, this will be their last stand.  Nick, Ben H. and Shawn B already have roses, and Kaitlyn sends home Justin (most well known for being a simpleton) and Joseph (who dug his own grave last week).  Oh Joseph, the only thing worse than getting negged on TV is getting negged on TV with half a mohawk and then overhearing everyone celebrating while you cry into a TV camera. Bye bye, welder man.

Next stop: Dublin, Ireland!  Shawn B is PSYCHED because apparently he’s Irish, just not Irish enough to spell his name the Irish way (Sean).  Somehow, JJ and Tanner are still around and I’m convinced that it’s just for comic relief. 

Nick scores the first 1:1 and it’s a long day (AND NIGHT) of off-the-charts chemistry. Nick and Kaitlyn walk in the park, Irish step dance in the street, buy claddagh rings, and suck face in a traditional Irish pub.  They have a heart-to-heart in the pub and as they walk along the street, Nick pulls Kaitlyn in for a kiss against a wall. Nick may be a weasely nerd tool, but WHO DOESN’T LOVE the ‘ole “pull you aside street make out”?  You may be a loser, Nick, but you’re a loser with MOVES.  

That night they eat dinner (in between kisses) in the Christ Church Cathedral and straddle outside of it. Pure class, these two!  They throw around super corny lines such as “I’m feeling for you” and “you’re giving me goosebumps.”  In an interview, Kaitlyn says that Nick makes her “feel like a woman, a desired woman.” Simmer down, Shania. 

Back in the hotel, Kaitlyn takes Nick back to her room where they disappear into her bedroom, shut the door, and fail to remove their mics, so we hear them moan, breathe, and kiss hard.  These moves are intercut with shots of Shawn and Jared talking about Nick and their naivete is sweet and hilarious. 

The next morning, Nick exits Kaitlyn’s room and Kaitlyn slumps around her patio saying “I don’t want this to be an issue” and “has this ever happened before?” and “I’m trying to think if Chris and Britt did have sex, what I would have done” lest there be ANY CONFUSION as to what just went down between Kaitlyn and Nick.  Nick pretty much TELLS the guys back in the suite but somehow none of them get it.  We’ll see when THAT truth bomb explodes in the coming weeks.

In the previews and the editing, the Bachelor editors seemed to want to “slut shame” Kaitlyn but honestly, the whole thing went over without much drama, which was nice to see.  Although I suspect that there will be drama down the road when the suitors fully understand what went down. 

The dress code for the next day's group date seems to have been Funeral Sexy and those boys did not disappoint!  Chris Harrison explains that the date will be a traditional Irish wake, during which Kaitlyn will be chilling out in a real casket and the guys will drink and toast her.  This group date is MY DREAM because it combines 3 of my favorite things: drinking, giving toasts, and wearing head-to-toe slimming black. Tanner admit that he has no idea how he’s still in the game, Chris Cupcake embarrasses himself by trying to sing, and Shawn makes a great joke that Kaitlyn killed herself after spending a full day with Nick.  Boomtown, buddy! 


The best part of the episode
The group date after party is at the Guinness Store House.  Jared is confident and has his eyes on the prize, Ben Z. says that the Irish wake challenge was emotional for him (because of the death of his mother), and Shawn is beginning to unravel.  Props to Shawn, though, for pulling out some photos and “putting himself out there” (God I hate that phrase) when feeling vulnerable, rather than clamming up.  Alas, Shawn’s family photos don’t win the day, as Jared scores a rose and a private concert by THE CRANBERRIES!  This entire episode was TOTALLY 90s and I loved it!  The Cranberries serenade Jared and Kaitlyn in a candle-lit church and I had CHILLS as they sang “Linger.”  It took me back to eating shitty pizza in the Atrium Mall circa 1993. 

As Kaitlyn and Red Lobster's Top Manager dance and kiss, Shawn unravels more and more and says he’s about to cry and that Kaitlyn is “ruining everything that we have.”  Later, he shows up at Kaitlyn’s hotel room to talk to her and I’m sure she’ll calm him down, but in a few weeks (once Shawn finally puts the pieces together of Nick’s visit to Kaitlyn’s room), he will lose his Irish temper.  I can’t wait to see it!  Erin go braugh, Shawn!  Irish #1!!
I used to live down the street from here. IRISH #1!

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Ep 6: I Quit Team Ian

Hi Lovebugs!

As of this morning, I'm doing super quick, fun recaps of The Bachelorette for AOL Rise.  Check out my first ep here!

I'll still be getting into the nitty gritty here on my blog and lawdy lawdy were there some gritty moments in last night's episode! Tantrums! Adolescent crooners! Fireworks!

We resumed in New York City with Nick (2nd runner up on Ombre DA Andi's season) joining the guys in their hotel suite.  They were NOT welcoming and Joshua and Tanner were especially harsh to Nick.  Joshua grills Nick by asking "is she a cool chick or an amazing woman to you?" which is sweet, I guess, but pretty unnecessary.  Nick explains that he and Kaitlyn connected on social media and then texted and talked on the phone (which is more than Kaitlyn lead us to believe) but I'm SURE there was more going on.  Nick is a weasel, but I'll admit that he handled himself well in the face of 14 angry guys.

They suit up and head to Citi Field where the Mets regularly lose and a some of these suitors are going to lose, too.  Kaitlyn rocks a sparkly dress, black tights, and boots (great look) and JJ wisely leads her down to the field to run the bases.  I still hate JJ and his pink socks made me groan, but that was a pretty good move.  Most of the other guys waste their 1:1 time with Kaitlyn by talking about Nick and I want to tell them to keep their eyes on their own paper!  As I learned when an old crush started dating a girl who was legendary for having NO PERSONALITY, you can't always make sense of these things. Stop trying to figure it out and just keep on living.  (Yes, I sound like a female Matthew McConaughey with my JKLiving mantra, but seriously, do it.)

Soon it's time for a rose ceremony and freezing temperatures be damned, they're doing it on the baseball diamond.  A few guys already have roses--Jared (RI restaurant manager who is all about Kaitlyn), Cupcake (total dweeb), and Justin (who earned a rose mostly for saying that he was fine with Nick joining the show), so who else get a rose through chattered teeth?
Ben H. - highly forgettable
Ben Z. - beefcake dreamboat
Shawn - looks more like a male Robyn with each day
Tanner - only here to provide comic relief
Joe - squished face
Ian - the man I loved until the end of the episode when I quit Team Ian
JJ - nice pink socks, former Investment Banker
Joshua - welder who is way too curious about Nick
Nick - the final rose for the new guy!
So Jonathan (Miami Vice Color Me Badd), Corey (hot Rick Perry) and glasses Ryan are heading home and there are no surprises there.  None were contenders.  We learned an important lesson at Citi Field--it's impossible to look sexy when you are freezing.

The party train rolls on to San Antonio, TX where Tanner and Joshua continue to doubt Nick's motives and joke that this "isn't his first rodeo" (that joke works on many levels!).

Ben H. scores the first one-on-one and the date is a ride in a gorgeous, vintage truck to the oldest dance hall in America, a two-step lesson, a two-step contest, then dinner.  They lose the dance contest (of course) but have a great opportunity to make corny comments about how dancing is like a relationship, and aren't those sound bites what the show is truly about?  That night over dinner, Kaitlyn seems to think that Ben H. revealed more of himself to her, but all I got was that he had a long distance relationship before this one and apparently she said that he lost "the chase" but I'm not sure what he meant. Somehow, he impressed Kaitlyn and was given a rose then said that he's excited "for more time with Kaitlyn" but I'm pretty sure he meant to say "for more time on vacation."

The next day is a group date and the crew is Justin, Jared, Ian, Chris, Tanner, Joe, JJ, Ben Z, Joshua, and Nick.  Kaitlyn rocks a perfect denim shirt dress (who doesn't love a shirt dress?) and they are serenaded by a fantastic mariachi band lead by a 12 year old heartbreaker.  The guys break off and write their own mariachi songs, then serenade Kaitlyn in public.  JJ plays his own guitar and sucks, Joe goes in for a kiss (smart move), and Ian take the whole thing much too seriously and then chokes.  Ouch. Nick leads Kaitlyn up to a balcony to serenade her from a better spot, sings about his erection, and leads everyone to admit that he was the best performance of the day.  

At the cocktail party that night, Joshua decides to ask Kaitlyn to give him a hair cut (because when I go on a date with an accountant I'm always like, "I brought this sack of receipts--would you mind organizing my books before our entrees arrive?") and she manages to give him half a mohawk before the buzzer cuts out.  He looks awful and is consumed by his hatred for Nick.  You know you're a psychopath when friggin' JJ describes you as a "ticking bomb."  During his alone time with Kaitlyn, Nick says that she has a great group of guy and it seems like things have calmed down among the dudes.  Joshua squeezes in more 1:1 time with Kaitlyn during which he says that ALL of the guys hate Nick, to which Kaitlyn responds, "so everyone is lying to my face?"  I'm sure this is NOT how Joshua was hoping this conversation would go.  It only gets worse from there when Joshua returns to the guys and blatantly lies to them (saying he was in an interview, not with Kaitlyn) then Kaitlyn confronts the entire group and no one speaks up when she asks if everyone has been lying got her and if they all hate Nick (how damn awkward for Nick?).  No one says boo and Joshua feels like an IDIOT and accuses everyone else of lying.  I must again give JJ props for the best sound bite of the night: "the only liar in the room is the one accusing us all of being liars." But Joshua is not the biggest idiot of the episode, surprisingly.  Nick gets a rose and the seating arrangement is positively poetic. 

See that guy looking forlorn in the background as Nick gets his rose?
That's Joshua who dug his own grave moments earlier.
The next day Shawn (some say Ryan Gosling look-alike, I say that's very generous) and Kaitlyn go kayaking, have a picnic, and in Shawn's unmistakeable monotone he tells her that he's "happy to be here" and then, apropos of nothing, launches in on a story about hating seat belts but wearing one this one time and THAT one time was when he got in a car accident.  I'm sure it's true, didn't it sounds like an urban legend?  He walked away from that car accident A OK, but somehow this is what he trots out to give himself depth.  Whatevs, bro.  He scores a rose. 

Meanwhile, back at home my favorite hottie Ian is falling apart and I promptly revoked my membership to Team Ian.  Ian says that he should be The Bachelor, that Kaitlyn doesn't understand who he is and "who I am is a gift you unwrap for life" (has someone been reading self help books? And how many layers of wrapping paper are on you?), and makes the below-the-belt comment that Kaitlyn isn't "half as hot as my ex-girlfriend."  And that matters HOW? The girl who you think isn't half as hot as your ex-GF is making YOU feel insecure, so deal with it, Princeton. 

At the cocktail party Kaitlyn is in a stunning purple dress and silver heels and Ian is chomping at the bit to "leave it all on the table" when he says that he came here hoping to meet "the girl who had her heart broken, not the girl who wanted to get her field plowed" (you're describing the same girl! She CAN be both! And why would you WANT to meet a girl who is heartsick over another guy? Do you like wounded women? Blech).  Kaitlyn sits in silence as Ian embarrasses himself in front of America and refers to the other guys as "lames" (spoken like a true Soc, bro) and ABC leaves us wanting more with the 'ole "To Be Continued" screen.  Wow.  

Was anyone else stunned by the revelation that Ian's a complete dick? I did NOT see that one coming! 

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Ep 5: Broback Breakup, Weasel Arrival

On Monday night’s episode of The Bachelorette we had 0 rose ceremonies, 1 departure, and 1 ARRIVAL.  WAH!?!??!  I know.  Hold onto your hats, love bugs.

The last episode closed with the Clint cliffhanger—would Kaitlyn finally wake up to his sketchy ways? Would he and his shiny forehead manage to fly under the radar and stay in the house with his beloved best friend forever, JJ?  On Monday’s episode, Kaitlyn pulled Clint aside and shot him straight—she doesn’t trust him and a ton of guys have warned her about him. Like a blonde, monotone robot, Clint insisted that he is there for the right reasons, that he had made himself vulnerable to Kaitlyn and that’s scary for him, that she's shy, and that he’s “best, best, best friends” with JJ. Smart cookie Kaitlyn informed him that this has nothing to do with his friendship with JJ and that he needs to go home. They walked back into the house where Clint asked the entire crew, “who talked to Kaitlyn and said that I was mean to you guys?” which is a worthwhile conversation to have as the door is hitting you on the way out, huh?  Not so much.  Kaitlyn apologized to the group (just like the Amy Schumer sketch) and then JJ chimed in to say that CLINT owes everyone an apology for causing drama and wasting their time.  Oh JJ—you’re such a stupid kiss ass. You’re totally the pity bid of the house who can’t bother to do the actual tasks asked of you but instead focuses on winning extra credit and brown nosing. Blech. No wonder you’re a FORMER Investment Banker, chach. Even Investment Bankers don’t like you (and that’s saying a lot, right Corey?).

Clint was shocked to be thrown under the bus by his bestie and the two of them had a tense, private conversation during which each admitted to the other that he had “told you things that I haven’t share with anyone in a long time” and Clint exited by mocking JJ’s tie (ZING!) and calling him a “Beeping piece of Beep.”  JJ then wept for the camera, walked off camera and slapped himself across the face, and said to him self “son of a bitch… suck it up.” Yowza. Methinks somebody grew up in a house where emotions weren’t permitted, and it’s pretty sad for JJ. 

Tanner might be a thin nosed loser, but kid is a wealth of comic relief with his comment that “Broback Mountain became Broback Volcano and erupted.”  Ian tells JJ that his behavior is despicable (hell yeah it is), Kaitlyn cancels the rose ceremony, and the gang learns that their next stop is New York City! 

In NYC the crew stays at a hotel in Times Square (my sincere condolences, boyz) and has 2 group dates and a 1:1 date. 

The first 1:1 date was a rap battle (and it was just as bad as you’d expect, despite Doug E Fresh’s best efforts) of Jonathan (Color Me Badd Miami Vice), Justin (whose hair is growing our horribly), Ben Z. (brick shithouse of love), Corey (current investment banker), Ryan B. (who looks cute in glasses but is highly forgettable), Tanner (whose sole purpose on the show is to make good sound bites), JJ (no one clapped for him—haha! Eat it, loser!), Shawn (who looks a lot like Justin, but hot).  They guys perform a live show and Ashley I. (female Bobby Bottleservice from the previous season of The Bachelor) is in the audience, along with Nick (2nd runner up from Andi’s season).

Remember this jag? Are you still a "Software Sales Executive"
 if you're an unemployed loser with no boundaries? 
Nick takes Kaitlyn aside after the concert and asks if he can jump into the fray and be a suitor because “the idea that you could potentially be engaged and I wouldn’t have met you bugged me.” But isn’t that the case for ANYONE IN THE WORLD, you boundary-less jackass? There are TONS of people out there who you might be friends or acquaintances with and that doesn’t mean that you get to interject into their lives and be like, “hold up—I know you’re in the thick of the biggest adventure of your life and you’re presently dating a dozen dudes, but you have simply GOT TO TRY dating me!”  Fuck off.  It’s a pretty standard Bach franchise maneuver now (almost every season some jag wad who can’t get over his/her time on the show and simply GET A FRIGGIN’ JOB will show up unannounced mid-season) but it still sucks and the message is, “I have no boundaries and I didn’t bother going after you when you were free and a normal person who had done the show, but now that you’re THE Bachelor or THE Bachelorette, I want in and you should thank me for it.”

Kaitlyn thinks about it and even goes to Ashley S. (total kookoo bird from her season) to get her hair done and talk about love vs. lust. Oh man, Bach contestants live in a full Bach world! The hairdresser is a Bachelor alum! Another Bachelorette alum wants to date you!  Where’s the Bach alum butcher, baker, and candlestick maker?

She decides to go for it and let Nick join the show as another suitor.  The way that Kaitlyn and Nick’s kiss and hug does NOT look like two people who connected via social media, as she claims.  Who knows. 

Justin scores the rose after the rap battle/tense evening on the boat, but as Tanner says, “that’s the most meaningless rose in the history of the show” in light of the fact that said rose was given out just after Kaitlyn told the boys that Nick would be moving into the hotel suite.

Jared (Rhode Island’s finest restaurant manager) scores a 1:1 date and the couple gets decked out for dinner in the Metropolitan Museum of Art then a helicopter ride over NYC.  Jared get a rose. Somehow, rodent-like Jared is growing on me but he still feels like Aidan to Nick’s Big. Damn you, Nick!

The next day is another group date and the crew is Ian (can the hottest suitor please get more screen time, ABC?), Chris (dentist dweeb), Joe (Squished Face), Joshua (simpleton redhead), Ben H. (button nose, personality still MIA) who are going to BROADWAY to walk through a real Broadway audition!  The dance captain who taught them the choreography might be my favorite person ever and during the try out, Chris the dentist does his best impression of what he thinks an actor does (ACT! WITH BIG FACIAL EXPRESSIONS AND HAND MOVEMENTS! LOOK OVER THERE, MY FAIR LADY!) and his over-acting is rewarded when he wins the challenge. Kaitlyn and Chris then make their “Broadway debut” (as extras in a group scene) and—I’m shocked to admit this--Chris officially looks better in a cupcake then he does in a turban.  Post-show Chris and Kaitlyn head up to a rooftop and smooch beneath the New Year’s Eve ball in Times Square.  He gets a rose. 

Meanwhile, weasely Nick is making his way to the Knickerbocker Hotel (where, let’s be honest, he was probably shacked up on ABC’s dime anyway, but they need shots of him “arriving” so he roams around Times Square with a suitcase looking strangely forlorn about his impending love connection).  He does a good job of channeling Bill Murray from Lost In Translation and looking pensive, when we all know that he has never cared about making friends. HE’S NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS! Ahh—the reality TV dating cliches just won’t stop!

The episode ends without a rose ceremony, but instead with another cliff hanger when we watch Nick go enter the suite and say “what’s up, guys.”  We'll find out what goes down next week and I'm excited to watch some BRAWLS!

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Ep 4: Clint's Got the Vill Communication (and a Shiny Dome)

This week I'm again late with this recap and as usual, it's because I had a show on Monday night and too much going on and a few balls in the air and I'M SO EXCITED, I'M SO EXCITED, I'M SO.... SCARED? [BLACKOUT]

Last week's episode didn't end with a rose ceremony because Kupah was busy throwing a temper tantrum in the driveway while that ABC producer who looks like Krusty the Known tried to calm him down. Kaitlyn finally went outside and told him that he had to just accept it and move on (she's a Canadian Dr. Phil!) and after a while, he did.  He got into a van with drink in hand (much like my favorite character in the Trailer Park Boys) and buckled up for a long, drunken van ride back to Kickassachusetts.
Am I Kupah leaving the Bachelorette mansion or am I Julian from
The Trailer Park Boys? Either way, I've always got a drink in my hand. 
Once Kupah has left, it's time for a rose ceremony and poor Kaitlyn must be exhausted.  She eliminates two guys who failed to make a big impression.  How does the rose ceremony go down?  JJ and Clint have matching roses (more on that "Brokeback Bromance" later) and the other guys who score flowers are:
-Jared - he's back from his hospital trip with a faint black eye and a story that the gang back at the Warwick Applebee's will NEVER believe!
-Ben H. – dark haired guy who resembles a psycho douche
-Shawn – blonde trainer (who ISN'T a trainer in this crew?), pretty bland
-Jonathan – if Color Me Badd joined Miami Vice, it would be Jonathan
-Tanner – pointy nose guy who MUST have a personality in there, right?
-Chris – Cupcake dentist dweeb
-Ryan – Amazing what a pair of glasses can do, huh? Suddenly I like this guy!
-Justin – Not to be harsh... but... he's a dummy with a thumb for a face.
-Joshua – redheaded cutie engineer
-Joe – squished face
-Cory E. – hot Rick Perry
-Tony - the bizarro "healer" who laments that he left his beloved bonsai trees at home.
So drunk face Daniel (fashion guy) and Cory (TX?) are heading home. Bye, boyz.

The next day Clint, Chris Cupcake, Healer Tony, JJ, Joe, and Shawn have a group date and the activity is sumo wrestling.  The dudes roll around while wearing man diapers and Joe shows off a nut.      Tony may be a weirdo "healer" but I gotta admit that he looks good with his shirt off and sunglasses on.  He hates the challenge, though, telling Kaitlyn that he doesn't enjoy the forced aggression (kinda good call, but dude, it's reality TV) and reminding her that he has "the heart of a warrior, spirit of a gypsy" and that he "views the world through the eyes of a child."  Could you ease up on the Hallmark proclamations, buddy?  Not surprisingly, he packs up his bag and leaves the Bachelor Mansion to see his precious bonsai trees.  He dons a baja for the big trip and I shrieked--OF COURSE the guy who is a "professional healer" owns and wears a baja!!!  

The next day is a 1:1 date and while Ben Z. (brick shithouse hottie) and Kaitlyn clutch each other inside a haunted house, sparks fly between newfound best friends forever JJ and Clint back at the Bach house.  We learn that Kaitlyn is deathly afraid of birds (and yet she has big tattoos of birds on BOTH of her arms) and Ben Z. is afraid of snakes in bathrooms. After the terror date they adjourn to Kaitlyn's house where they talk about dead mothers and further fulfill gender roles.  During their dip in her jacuzzi, Kaitlyn offers Ben a rose and stabs the pin into his bare chest (JK. I wish. What's so scary about snakes in shitters NOW, Benny Boy?).  

The next group date is Jonathan, Ben H., Joshua, Ryan, Jared, and Tanner and their super fun date activity is teaching Sex Ed to the precocious nightmare children of stage parents.  Joshua refers to a tampon as a "tampin" and call it "a little torpedo" then Ben H. makes a good impression by referring to himself as a sperm and Kaitlyn as an egg.  Somehow he scores a rose for that.  

Clint and JJ's homoerotic love affair continues thanks to a shared love of turtles.  They practice wrestling moves, spend time in the hot tub, and alienate every other guy in the house.  

Finally, it's time for another rose ceremony and the tension in the house is THICK as 13 guys tell Kaitlyn about Clint and JJ's odd behavior.  Before she learns that Clint is a shiny faced psychopath, he pulls her aside and lays it on thick (despite his admission that "Kaitlyn's not the girl for me") because he wants to stay in the house and hang out with his BFF, JJ.  Meanwhile, JJ's plugging forward because "she's The Bachelorette, she's the ultimate catch" (I appreciate your enthusiasm, kid, but please stop drinking the Kool Aid) and in his interview shots, he bears a striking resemblance to Steve Carrell in Foxcatcher, don't you think?  
Twins or BFFs? 
Clint and JJ enjoy a laugh at how Clint is manipulating Kaitlyn (which makes JJ a creepy accomplice who claims to be there with pure intentions) and Clint says "villains gotta vill" and then feels like it wasn't heard enough, so he REPEATS THE LINE.  Don't repeat your lame catchphrase, loser.  JJ calls the other 13 guys in the house "lemmings" and "JV croquet players" (is varsity croquet even a thing?).  Props to Kaitlyn for listening to these warnings and appreciating the honesty of the other guys in the house.  In The Bachelor, usually the lady who warns the Bachelor about a bad egg is NOT trusted and banished for daring to speak out. God bless The Bachelorette, huh?  So we're left without a rose ceremony but with the promise that next Monday's episode will be a DOOZY.  

Monday, June 1, 2015