Bachelorette Clare Ep 3: Tunnel Vision

In Bachelor Nation, we like to joke that Chris Harrison claims that THIS SEASON is the most dramatic season yet and he says that EVERY SEASON but THIS time around, he might be right. 

I don't think I quite have it in me to write a traditional recap (general Pandy Times anxiety, weird tension I have had in my neck and calf since early voting started, my personal worry that I'll have to wait in line 3.5 hours to vote--the standard time at my polling place--and won't have access to a bathroom at all) SO, I'll just share my hot takes with you, dear reader. 

YOSEF 

Oh dude, fuck you. Fuuuuck you. As of this episode, Yosef has attended 2 pre-rose ceremony cocktail parties and he has completely derailed each one.  He approaches Clare looking for a fight (which is always a bad look and a style of engagement that truly makes me fearful of the guy), demands an audience with her, then trots out his prepared remarks about the strip dodgeball game (an activity that he DID NOT DO! He was not on that date! And THIS is why! Producers actually DO pay attention to who will enjoy what date activity).  He says how this experience is so hard for him BECAUSE HE HAS A DAUGHTER and ever moment he is in Palm Springs, he is not with his daughter.  Yes, that is how time works, guy.  EVERYONE left their lives behind for this and you don't have any MORE important or worthy things that you are missing than anyone else does.  If you feel like this is a waste of time, you can bounce!  You don't need to ream Clare out for some BIG, TRIUMPHANT exit.  Because it may be big, but it's not triumphant.  Every sentence he said came off as needlessly cruel and VERY angry.  He strikes me as a guy who is unhappy with his own life choices and he can't bring himself to look inward, so he lashes out at others, and, specifically, at women.  I can't wait to see if they do a MEN TELL ALL special and the way that this guy shows his face in public again. 

He says "remember, you're almost 40, Clare" and makes repeated snide comments that she's THE OLDEST BACHELORETTE EVER as if that's something to be ashamed off.  Men like him, when scared, will always fall back on the standard misogyny insult line: she's old, she's crazy.  He taps into a major insecurity ("everyone here is just appeasing you") and essentially gets chased out by the other men--men who are gentlemen and all say that he was out-of-line and completely inappropriate.  My heart really went out to Clare as she was fighting with Yosef--that argument got DIRTY and MEAN and I know how it feels to be completely ON YOUR OWN and you have to defend yourself to a grown man who is screaming at you and insulting you.  It's terrifying.  

After all that, Dale comforts Clare especially well, and of course he does: he has 4 sisters and was raised by women!  Honestly, dudes like that are usually SUPER perceptive to how a woman might be feeling.  Throughout the episode, Dale refers to "verbal abuse" and the way those insults stay on your mind and leave scars and I was screaming, "YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT, DALE!"  More on Dale later. 

Worth noting: Riley knew that Yosef sucked from the start and was vocal that Yosef sucks.  Points for Riley. 

Clare goes away for a while to collect herself, then conducts a delayed rose ceremony that is pretty standard stuff.  Three guys are sent home: a dude with very tall hair, a guy with a sorta snake-ish look, and Garin, college Professor (USC!) and journalist who I have been rooting for because he seems super solid and his Instagram is lovely.  What a loss! 

Throughout this episode, things didn't run on schedule--did you notice that as a recurring theme?  The rose ceremony was LATE at night b/c of the Yosef drama. Then the next day, a crew of guys are ready to go for a daytime group date and they are given NO information on when they will be leaving, so are stuck waiting in the living room, "ready to go" for HOURS!  Finally Clare shows up and is like, "we'll just do a cocktail party, OK?"  Why not tell them that hours back?  Dudes could nap or chill or swim!  

While the dudes were stuck waiting around, Clare and DeAnna (former Bachelorette 12 years back) chat about the guys and Clare is ALL DALE, ALL DAY.  Normally these "look, we're friends!" conversations happen, and the protagonist will gush over a few of the guys, plus DeAnna might have a chance to hang out with them poolside.  But instead, Clare talks about how it was love-at-first-sight with Dale, how she sleeps with his pants over her face (I AM NOT KIDDING), and mentions no one else in the harem of dudes. 

At the start of the group date that night, Dale gives a semi-patronizing speech (which Riley hilariously calls a "Band of Brothers" speech) and initiates a group hug and it all just feels like, dude are you a fellow contestant here or are you the new Chris Harrison?  I think that Dale IS smart about how people are feeling and he's attempting to create a feeling of community BUT it's not his job to do that, it sorta usurps Clare's position, and it's condescending as hell to the other guys! 

Clare and Dale walk off hand-in-hand to talk ("just 5 minutes!" Dale had claimed) and rather than remaining in the outdoor area on a bench or something, they go off TO HER PLACE and, specifically, to her BEDROOM for ALMOST AN HOUR.  ALMOST AN HOUR!! Good Lord!  Look, I am a Bachelor die-hard and I waste SO much brain space with stupid minutiae about this damn franchise, its traditions and characters, but this is not OK and not normal.  YET ALSO I can totally get why Clare is falling for Dale so hard!  He is super handsome but more than that, he's supportive, thoughtful, and tender with her.  For many, many years I dated so many dudes and casual dating, or even not-so-casual dating can leave you defensive and lonely.  I got stood up a few times, insulted, ghosted, mislead, and humiliated and it really made me defensive toward ANY guy, which made it even harder to let a good one in.  So when you find a good one and he serves up the catnip of "I'm proud of you" and "I have your back," you're going to jump in HARD.  BUT I wish that Clare had a bit more confidence in herself, which I think would enable her to appreciate Dale's affection, but also keep DALE on his toes by flirting with and paying attention to the other men.  

I blame the destruction of this season on 2 things: Clare and The Producers.  Clare is off-the-rails, never seemed to have a fully open mind and open heart to non-Dale participants, and she is being disrespectful to these guys who left a lot back at home to be here (you still suck, though, Yosef).  And The Producers aren't wrangling her well enough. Dates are running late or not even happening and the Bachelorette is wandering off for hours at a time.  This season is difficult and unprecedented: they are stuck at this resort and really cannot GO anywhere, DO anything, or interact with other people, so I have sympathy for how the team behind the show is SCRAMBLING and dealing with unpredictable issues. That said, the Producers need to control this and force Clare to spend more time with each guy.  I felt like Chris Harrison talking with Clare 1:1 (start of episode) and DeAnna talking to her were moves to try and get a sense of WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? 

Once the other guys on the group date pried Clare and Dale apart, some guys started having 1:1 time with her and then we see a clip of Clare asking the Producers, "can we kind hurry the rest along?" which is a BAD LOOK for Clare, and very duplicitous of the show to air (so, par for the course).  I think that the show wants to expose Clare at this point.  During Jojo's season, they were able to sort of hide Jojo's obvious crush on Jordan because Jojo had SOME interest in the other guys. With Clare, the Producers can't hide it b/c Clare talks about Dale constantly.  

Riley, Eazy, Chasen, and Jason all gave Dale some grief for how he behaved and I appreciate those guys for it.  Jason went FULL LONG ISLAND when he literally said, "you think you're better than me?" to Dale and flipped off the camera.  Jason, are you sure you're from Long Island and not Boston?? 

The next day, Zach J. (aka FART BOX) has a 1:1 date and it's hard to watch because he's so hopeful and naive.  Gosh this season has SO MANY additional, odd layers happening and it's FASCINATING to watch and keeps the franchise fresh and unpredictable, but it's truly VERY cruel to these men.  Zach J. comes off as very sweet and likable during this date, if a bit simple?  They get pedicures, Clare reveals that she's not at all ticklish (weird?), then they go swimming and KISSGATE goes down.  Lord did you see that bizarro kiss attempt/abort?? They were swimming and Clare went to get out of the pool and leaned in to kiss Zach J and she leaned in 80% toward him and I expected him to pop up that last 20% but he just STOOD THERE and did NOTHING, so Clare high-tailed it outta there in a cloud of uncomfortable giggles and "let's get ready for dinner" requests.  Again, and I DO feel bad for Clare here as she navigate these feelings, but when you aren't just relaxed and curious about a guy, but rather feeling a bit wounded or defensive or unexcited, then you take a chance like leaning in for a kiss, it makes the perceived rejection TEN TIMES WORSE.  Oh man I have walked this road.  My old roommate Liz used to tell me that I had a tendency to perceive EVERYTHING as rejection (and then she handed me START WHERE YOU ARE by Pema Chodron and saved my life) and I see Clare doing there here, too, somewhat.  

I think that Clare is feeling wounded by a few of the men and she perceives Dale as her supportive, safe place to land, and all of the other guys are just collateral damage. 

Of course, there IS no dinner after all.  Poor Fart Box gets cleaned up and then sits there waiting for Clare to arrive for diner, but Chris Harrison shows up and sends him home instead.  Again, UNPRECEDENTED.  I don't think that Chris has EVER doing the sending home in this way.  I would think that it's a breach of contract, to be specific.  And that leads me to the end of this show/season: I think the issue ends up being that by disregarding the other men and not participating in many dates and such, Clare is breaching her contract with ABC.  And my hunch is that while she WANTS to simply be with Dale, she ends up being upset when Chris Harrison/the Producers are like, "we cannot continue this season and you are breaching your contract."  

The back half of this episode features a Bachelorette Roast (with guest star Margaret Cho who RULES) during which, every guy GOES IN ON Dale (who is in the audience since they are all trapped in this bonkers hellscape resort) but no one goes in harder than Old Timey Oil Baron, Bennett.  Bennett KILLED me here!  Way to go, dude.  You're more than just a Harvard jag! 

In a move that we standups call "every bachelorette party who shows up at a comedy show," Clare insists that she wants the guys to "come at me with some good material" then leaves the show practically in tears.  She feels defensive for Dale over all those roast jokes and then refers to him as her "fiancee" to Producers and I thiiiiink we're done here.  During the afterparty, Clare spends the entire night asking each non-Dale guy what they think of Dale and the guys are finally seeing the writing on the wall and are understandably pissed.  Well, everyone sees it except for Bennett who talks to Boy Band Manager Kenny (does Kenny own a single shirt that isn't open to his belly button??) and he insists that, "No, no, Clare is open to us!  She has an open heart."  Oh Bennett--you're that classic dude who is book smart but real world DUMB.  Not everything is a theoretical construct to be studied abstractly--some things are FELT and just perceived, if you have the skills to do so.  

Clare and her yellow, sparkly dress sit there among the guys and she clutches the date rose at a bizarrely high height (eye line for the camera I guess?), but Clare opts NOT TO GIVE IT TO ANY OF THEM, saying that they didn't give her QUITE what she needed that night and PLEASE JUST MAKE IT STOP!! My heart is breaking for ALL of these guys, even dolt Bennett!! 

In a clip that will be used for generations to come as an example of the extreme danger of excessive self-love, Clare then does a talking head clip in which she PRESENTS THE ROSE TO HERSELF and is proud of herself for loving herself or not accepting bad treatment or some other such slight that she has convinced herself is happening, even though every guy there WANTED to treat her right and be with her, but she wouldn't let them.  It's a fascinating thing to watch, the way that people craft a narrative for who they are and how they get treated, and process every moment or interaction through that lens.  Perception is reality, baby, and if you are convinced that every guy is no good and doing you wrong, then, well, every guy will be no good and do you wrong.  

Next Tuesday, the shit goes down on The Bachelorette (to say nothing of the Presidential election) and I won't be watching until Wednesday because my BF and I are going out for his birthday that Tue.  My BF is the Dale to my Clare, ya know?  Hahaha what a bad metaphor!  

So the episode ends with Chris Harrison telling Clare that she blew up The Bachelorette, Clare being kicked out of the resort (it seems?), and Bachelor all-star knockout rad chick TAYSHIA springing out of a pool in a bikini!!! 

THIS IS THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON EVER!!

Bachelorette Clare Ep 2: Too Much Too Soon!

Hello, lovebugs! 

I'm back but late with this recap.  But what is "late" really? I write these for fun! There's no deadline! 

OK anyhoo. Last night's episode of The Bachelorette was... very intense.  We are only on WEEK 2 and already, Clare is trying to dig up HEAVY duty childhood trauma out of Jason (poor guy), encouraging competitiveness among the men, and processing a lot of her own issues on TV.  I don't think all of this is BAD, per se, it's just intense and somewhat unprecedented. 

Clare and the Boyz are at their resort in Palm Springs and most of the date and challenges take place during the nighttime, I imagine, because it's just so damn hot and bright out there in the daytime. I give the Producers a lot of credit--they are somewhat limited in date activities because of the pandemic, and they get creative with the spaces they have.  

The first date is a group date and the crew is Riley (yes!), Jordan, Yosef (woof), Ivan (cute), Ben (also cute), Bennett (50-something oil baron posing as a single, 30-something), Zach C (is growing on me somehow?), Zach J (Fart Ring), and Dale (of course).  The date is all about Love Languages, so the boys and Clare (who is in heels and shorts which is a CLUTCH look) say words of affirmation, explore physical touch, and gifts. Not a bad afternoon! 

Clare is thrilled to hear all of these kind words from the guys (she stands on a bizarro indoor Juliet balcony and they compliment her from below which was odd) but the whole exercise felt like "too much too soon" which I suppose is a theme for this entire season.  

The funniest scene of the show had to be when the group date guys BOLTED back to their rooms to get gifts for Clare and the rest of the crew playfully mocked them from the pool.  Dale's pants ripped, Bennett got made fun of, Garin imitated a funny walk, and Easy makes everything so much fun. 

At the Love Language Group Date afterparty, Clare was rocking a blue, one strap dress with an exposed zipper in the back and what is it about an exposed zipper!? I love them so! She did the classic Bachelorette arrival, plop down among the guys, have a toast, talk about the day, and then everyone sort of sat there until she PRODDED one of the guys to grab her and take her away for 1:1 conversation.  Of all people, Old Timey Tycoon BENNETT stepped up to the plate (God bless) and they walked away, but after just a few moments, Clare asked him to sit tight so that she could go back to the crew and dress them down for not grabbing her!! GIRL!  What is going on here?  This is NOT a good look and here are my thoughts: 

1. This show JUST started. This was group date #1 and I think these guys aren't fully into "man against man" stuff right now. They are all psyched to be AMONG OTHER GUY after weeks and weeks of quarantining. Don't take it personally if they aren't stabbing one another in the back just yet! 

2. When you talk about how awkward things are, you make them more awkward, Clare. Instead of being like, "is someone going to grab me?" you could have kept a group conversation going, asked some questions to the guys. 

3. That whole incident made Clare seem difficult and a lil dramatic, to be honest. And I hate to say that b/c I really dig her, but I think she should let the guys dive in when they feel comfortable pulling her aside. No guy wants to be TOLD "come after me," ya know? 

So she yells at the guys and then gets her wish (Dale whisks her away for 1:1 make-out time) and POOR BENNETT!! Is the dude sitting on a couch somewhere being like, "is Clare coming back?" hahhahah! What a mess. 

Oh, before Dale takes her away, some of the guys chime in and Yosef (who sucks) says that Clare is "crazy to think" that they aren't into her. Pro Tip, Yosef: don't call a woman crazy. Calling women "crazy" or "psycho" is the most favorite move of awful men. Avoid it. And don't "speak for the group" either. 

Oh also, Clare talks about how she went on Juan Pablo's season of The Bachelor to escape an abusive relationship and that in telling off Juan Pablo at the end of that nightmarish season (nightmarish because Juan Pablo SUUUUUCKS), she found herself.  She and Riley have a super cute dance and he lands the group date rose. 

The next day is the first 1:1 and Jason is the man of the hour. He's the dude who wore a fake pregnancy stomach on the first night and who has an "exotic" Long Island/New Hampshire accent, whatever that is.  She asks him to write a letter to his younger self before their FIRST DATE and HOLY MOLY what is going on here!?! I am a BIG fan of therapy and have processed a lot of shame, trauma, life stuff with 3 different therapists over the years, but I do NOT think that a FIRST DATE is the time to dive into family issues, trauma, and shame. And definitely not a first date that is ON TELEVISION. Yiiii.  Jason handled everything beautifully, though, rolling with the punches of the date and being vulnerable.  Bravo, Jason!  I hope your parents don't disown you after you told all of America that their marriage is NOT healthy and that you sleep around to avoid vulnerability! 

The Forced Intimacy In Joshua Tree tour wraps up with Clare BURNING the dress that she wore when Juan Pablo sent her home from his season of The Bachelor 6 years ago and I can see why this is cathartic for Clare, but why is Jason even present for this!? So much of this date felt like closure exercises FOR CLARE. For his evening spent screaming into the void in Joshua Tree National Park, Jason got a rose. 

The next day is a Strip Dodgeball game group date and COULD SOMEONE PLEASE GET SOME HEALTHY BOUNDARIES AROUND HERE? The whole thing was "sweaty fun" and by that I mean, "somewhat humiliating for everyone involved" and that includes the guys NOT on the date! When the blue team returned to the suite, defeated and holding their dicks, the rest of the guys had to sit with them and watch the throw pillows get covered in dick sweat. What is going on here!? 

Meanwhile the red team gets quality time with Clare, during which Chasen convinces me that he's a martian. He refers to himself in high school as a "hermit crab" and then says that he has "the goosebumps." Dude, the saying is a "hermit" and "goosebumps" (no THE). Are you an alien? 

Blake has finally stopped holding his dick long enough to shower, get dressed, comb his too-long beard, and show up at the afterparty that he's not invited to. Showing up at a party you weren't invited to? What are you, ME and SUZANNE during high school summers at backyard parties throughout Wayland??? ZIIIING US!! When you're hot, they let you do it! Wheeeee!!! Blake pisses off the dudes WHO ACTUALLY WON, get negged by Clare, and wanders off. 

Brandon, the bland but traditionally hot dude from Cleveland OH, attempts to talk to Clare but his claims that he went on the show "for her" ring false when the ONLY thing he knows about her is that she's beautiful.  I understand Clare's annoyance at that, but AGAIN, it felt like she made a mountain out of a molehill and made shit weird by sending him home! I get that she doesn't want to waste time and she knows what she wants, but why not learn a bit more about him before you decide he sucks? I dunno. Chasen, the alien attempting to learn about Earthling culture, gets the rose and his alien overlords back on Mars must be THRILLED!! 

Back at the suite, Yosef is referring to a date he wasn't on as "classless" and saying that it "left a bad taste in my mouth" which is rich coming from a dude who was macking on Insta chicks mere weeks ago. Yosef seems like a profoundly angry person who was probably a total womanizer, louse in his younger days but NOW THAT HE HAS A DAUGHTER he is ALL righteousness, all the time.  Do you know the type of guy I mean?  I think he will show his entire ass next week (METAPHORICALLY) and try to age shame Clare. 

But before this episode can end with a cliffhanger, we have a cocktail party to start!  Blake has cut his beard somewhat, so he looks less Amish and more "I'm living in my van for a couple a weeks while I get some shit sorted" and Clare pulls him aside to give him a rose after negging him HARD a mere night before. Clare looks gorgeous, as usual, in a sparkly floor-length silver dress, big earrings, and cleavage for days.  

So now the men with roses are Chasen (alien here to gain data on humans), Jason (open wound of newfound vulnerability), Riley (Boys II Men superfan but if only the show had licensed their music), and Beard Boi Blake. 

Tragically, the episode ends there and leaves us wondering WHO screams at Clare about being the oldest Bachelorette ever (probably Yosef b/c he's unhappy with his life choices and he's wading through some major self hatred and projecting it onto the men and Clare), and who will be Clare's next candidate for fireside therapy! We'll find out next week as Palm Springs Therapy House continues!! 

Bachelorette Clare: Ep 1: Nasal Swabs + Bare Ankles

Pussycats! 

I just finished watching an episode of The Bachelorette and tweeting some tweets while drinking wine and laughing and for 2 hours, it almost felt as if we aren't living through a global pandemic!!  Life felt somewhat normal!  It wasn't a show filmed via Zoom!!  There was not a mask in sight!  I am truly FLOATING right now!  

Obviously, the current global pandemic was mentioned throughout the show and we watched these sweet guys quarantine solo in Palm Springs for 14 damn days, get Covid tested, and while away the boredom, but after that, it felt like any old Bachelorette season and I'm so glad. 

Speaking of "old," I am bracing myself for a season of ageism because Clare Crawley, the brave smoke show who will date 30+ men at one time while living in a Palm Springs bungalow (MY DREAM) is 39, so this is what Bachelor Nation meanies might call a "geriatric season." I, for one, am THRILLED to have a grown woman in the driver's seat: she has been around the block with this franchise (Juan Pablo's season, 2 season of Bachelor In Paradise), has a fantastic career as a colorist, has gobs of friends and interests, and truly wants love and marriage soon.  YES!  

Clare moves to Pam Springs, has a few Covid tests and isolation time, and before we know it, she is all dressed up and chatting with Chris Harrison in a candle-filled room just before the 1st night. WE ARE BACK, BABY! 

Real quick: I LOVED Clare's look. Gunmetal is one of my favorite dress colors and the reflective, textured beads at the top which faded down to a filmy bottom with a slit up the side--it was dreamy. 

I loved this conversation: they spoke candidly about who she was when she dated infamous Bachelor cad Juan Pablo, how she has grown, the hardships she has faced and her ability to stay hopeful through it all.  She reveals that when she joined the cast of The Bachelor that first go-round, she had just left an abusive relationship. Chris asks if Clare has anything to say to that young girl getting out of the limo to meet Juan Pablo all those years ago and she says, "I'm proud of you for trying again." I LOVE THIS. I suspect this overarching theme will be beaten like a dead horse this season, but for now I really love the spirit of finding PRIDE in taking some licks, having some disappointments, and showing up anyway. It reminded me of 2003 when I lived in Chicago and worked as a paralegal at a law firm where my attorney would scream swears at me throughout the day. I was broke, young, depressed, and literally AFRAID of this attorney.  I'd cry in the bathroom at work at least 1x/day but every day, I showed up. My parents were so proud of me--they knew that I was going through an awful situation and the job was such an abusive place, but that I showed up. In retrospect, this is a story about workplace abuse and I HAD to show up b/c I was broke as HELL which is a sad state of events, BUT THE POINT IS: there's power in showing up.  Clare's "showing up" is like previous Bachelorette Rachel's "keeping it 100." I love pithy, motivational phrases! 

Let's get down to the dudes and the DRAMZ! 

We had immediate drama between Tyler C. (dude who rolled up in a station wagon saying he wants to fill up the station wagon with kids which is sweet, I guess, but felt a little Try-Hard for my taste) and Yosef (who mentioned that he has a daughter and it has given him a better perspective on/more tenderness for women which is a RED FLAG that stupid, bad guys always think is smart thing to say).  Tyler should have held his tongue about this situation until later in the season. And what even WAS the thing he was talking about? Yosef reached out to a girl Tyler knows and sent a video that was friendly but a cheesedick move b/c it seemed like a mass text video? And this video was sent recently, so it seems like Yosef isn't "here for the right reasons" (copyright Bachelor Nation)?  Either way, in a situation like this, the 'ole "whoever smelt it, dealt it" rule usually applies which is that whoever introduces the tension/drama (Tyler) is somehow blamed for it and sent home. And so it went! Let this be a lesson to you would-be Bach contestants at home!! 

Clare has some HOTTIES in the mix, and strangely, 2 different guys named Blake M. which feels like a joke written by a statistician.  Truly, what are the chances?  In the mix, she has quite a few former pro football players (ummm hi), some SUPER chic, tailored suits, and we saw SO many bare ankles! I was LOVING these lewks! 

The entrances were the usual mix of straightforward dudes coming out of limos like a damn clown car of hotties, plus some fun ones: Eazy jumped through a "Your Future Husband" sign which was so cute and hilarious and I adore him already; Jay a Fitness Instructor wore a straighjacket to show that he's "crazy about Clare (woof) and KEPT IT ON THE ENITRE NIGHT LIKE A COMPLETE... well... crazy person. Props to you for staying SO on-brand, Jay! Bennett (who mentioned that he's a Harvard grad within his first 30 seconds on-screen) rolled up in a Rolls Royce wearing a long, white scarf with a suit that is popular with old timey titans of industry.  

Before I tally off who be remaining in the Bachelor Bubble and who was sent home to quarantine for another however-many months then move to Nashville, TN, as every Bach reject is required to do, let's talk about timing. 

From articles I have read online, it seems as if they started filming the show in SOME way before they had to halt production because of Covid. Had Clare met a bunch of the guys? Had they already done first-night arrivals at the old Bachelor mansion? But wait, wasn't the old Bachelor mansion burned in the California wildfires!?!? I cannot keep up with the twists and turns! 

But here is my theory: they had started filming and maybe even gotten through a few days worth, then had to halt. I suspect that Clare had really connected with Dale and Blake Moynes already, based on her interaction with them this go-round.  They halted for a while but then came up with the Palm Springs, 2-weeks-isolation plan and not every guy who had started could make it back to California. SO, rather than attempt to cobble together a Frankenstein version of a season or a cast, they asked anyone from Cast #1 to just launch into the Palm Springs filming as if it was THE FIRST TIME!! Just act as if you have never met Clare, start fresh, and THIS is the season.  Is my theory insane?  I just feel like with a few of the guys tonight, there was a familiarity already. Blake messaged her on FB during quarantine (even though it was against the rules) and I just wonder, would he have done that if he didn't know her AT ALL yet? Also her conversation with Dale felt VERY familiar. Dale seemed to be asking about Clare's mother but he already knew about her, ya know? Anyway--that is my theory but I don't think that ABC or Bachelor producers would want to reveal THAT much of a "behind-the-curtain" breakdown, ya know? So everyone just acts like they are meeting for the first time! 

OK so who was given a rose and who spent 2 weeks in a Palm Springs motel room for no reason? The 1st impression rose was given to Dale (SEE MY THEORY ABOVE) and then the flowers were doled out as follows: 

-Blake Moynes: The guy who messaged her illegally and who I'm convinced was part of Ghost Season Never To Be Discussed. Dude has an Amish looking beard thing going on, but that's not awful?

-Eazy: I LOVE this guy. His pink, 3-piece suit was a bold and sexy choice, his body is fantastic, and he seems extremely real, self-effacing, cool.  I hope he goes far. 

-Ben: Forgettable white guy who was 1st out of the limo and they took a breath together. Fine, I guess. 

-Riley: I don't recall much about him except a grey suit.

-Zach J: Or as I call him "butt thing in a box." When he first met Clare, he got down on one knee and held up a ring box that, upon opening, reveals a tiny ceramic butt and fart noises. Dude, grow up. I know that you think this is funny and memorable and I guess it IS memorable, but it's just too crass for my taste. I could get on board with a ceramic butt in a ring box (don't ask), but the fart noise is just GROSS. She seems to like 'ole Butt Thing In a Box, though! 

-Tyler S: My notes say "nerdy looking white dude." 

-Joe: Bowtie-wearing origami maker who seems very fun and silly and sweet. Thumbs up. 

-Jason: Dude who explained his accent as though he was from some far-off, exotic land and not LONG ISLAND. Has Clare seriously never met a guy from Long Island? Could be. He's energetic and fun, though, so I give him credit. 

-Demar: A handsome, warm guy who ONLY had their straight-outta-the-limo interaction so I'm impressed he's still here! Dude makes a great first impression! 

-Jason: Dude in a striped tie who arrived via giant bubble ball. I wish I were kidding. 

-Jordan C: glasses, no drama. 

-Blake Menard: The 2nd Blake M. of the show and I can't believe both Blakes are like, "sure--I guess on this trash TV show I will go by MY FULL NAME. Want my Soc Security to post in the lower 3rd, too?" Ha! Guy was in a black shirt, black tie, and was SHOWING CHEST like woa. 

-Ken: Boy Band Manager who has TALL hair and, well, looks like a Boy Band Manager. If I were him, I'd say that I'm just a "Band Manager" so people might mistakenly think I'm cool. 

-Brandon: Roof Contractor from Mass who won't be around long, but I'm pulling for him because he's a Masshole and so am I. 

-Garit: Red, 3 piece suit sweetheart. He brought a drawing of Clare made by his niece and won my heart. I hope he goes far! 

-Ed: Guido-style dude who is husky and sweaty and if Selena Circa 2006 were The Bachelorette, this guy would have won on night 1. I KNOW! My taste has matured and so have I! 

-Bennett: I hate to hate someone solely because he's a Wealth Manager who went to Harvard, but it just comes so naturally! On Twitter last night, my old high school pal Jimbo (a Harvard alum) informed me that in the world of finance/being rich, apparently Wealth Managers are a JOKE, which made me laugh. I doubt Bennett will be around too long. 

-Zach C: Light grey suit, sweet guy. Sometimes my notes are useless. 

-Jay: Straightjacket guy!! I wish she had sent him home because watching a guy cry during his exit interview in a straightjacket is just AMAZING TELEVISION!  Check him out serving creepy lewks: 

-Brandon: conventionally attractive guy with a strong jawline, nice suit. Hot Boring. 

-Ivan: cutie who made a wonderful first impression by quoting his mother. 

-Yosef: Ugh. So I guess we have found the Parian of the season, or at least the house shit-stirrer. I can't wait to hear more about how he respects women now that he financially supports one! 

So who went home? 

-Jeremy: banker from DC who seemed VERY earnest and sweet. 

-Page: guy with strange facial hair and SO MANY TATTOOS which I can dig but combined with his frame and facial hair, it felt very Carnival Worker. 

-Tyler: dude who introduced the drama with Yosef. Sorry, man. "When you point out drama in someone else, you have 3 fingers pointing back at YOU and saying that YOU are drama" as the old saying goes. 

-AJ: Software salesman who wore a red suit and made Clare twirl as soon as he met her, then gripped her hands so hard that she writhed in pain. He gave me REAL Mystery (the Pick Up Artist) vibes. He said that his friends joke that he makes a bad first impression and WOW his friends are right! 

-Chasen: walked up in a suit of armor and a layer of sweat. It's Palm Springs, man! This place is HOT! 

-Jordan M: What a loss! This dude rocked a perfectly-tailored, blue suit and was showing ankles for DAYS! He seemed really lovely and I'm disappointed he didn't go farther. 

A few others may have gotten the boot (the dude who brought her cute sandals? Maybe a few other Insurance Brokers from UT or FL?) but it's hard to keep track.  And I'm out of practice with these recaps, pussycats! 

This looks like it will be a drama-filled season and not a standard-length season, either. We shall see. I'm just excited to feel a bit normal for 2 hours on Tuesday (or Monday?) nights. What are your thoughts, dear readers? 

Bachelorette Rachel Ep 9: Meet The Parents (and sister, aunt, cousin)

FRIENDS!

I am extremely late with EVERYTHING right now.  Things were kookoo bananas last week with my album recording on Wednesday (which went BEAUTIFULLY and I am so proud of the show and the album will be released in September or October and you better believe I'll be badgering you to buy it).  I watched the bizarro episode in which Rachel's final 3 suitors met assorted members of her family in Dallas, which is UNPRECEDENTED in Bach history, but I love that Rachel's family is like, "yeah ummm Papa Lindsay aint flying to some wacko island and also Constance is pregnant so we're going to change things up this year" and they did!!

The final 3 guys (Peter the Human Robot who seems to have NO emotional capabilities whatsoever; Eric the nice guy who I think she should pick but is she HOT for him the way she's hot for the others; and Bryan the frigging slick Willy who is like "within moments of looking at Rachel, I declared her my GF and knew I was in love with her" and I'm like, "CAN WE PLEASE GET REAL AT SOME POINT HERE?" because I have been re-reading too much Dr. Phil lately.

My quick breakdown of the odd Hometown Trio's family meetings:

-Peter looks good and gives a frigging' monologue when he first sits down for lunch with the family.  How his parents met, his first impressions of Rachel, the fact that he was built in a laboratory by a kindly scientist who wants to see if he can build a robot who could eventually FEEL. He sits down with assorted family members and tells Rachle's mother (who DON'T TAKE NO MESS and I love it) that he doesn't want to ask her for permission to propose to Rachel right now, but rather, permission to keep dating her.  HUH???? WHAT IS THAT? THAT IS NOT A THING YOU DO.  One the RARE occasion that I have a boyfriend (shout out to the men of NYC who have disappointed me and stood me up MORE THAN I EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE!), that dude isn't calling my parents every so often to get their blessing for us to KEEP DATING.  Blech.  Peter--time to hit the bricks, pal.  Sorry, but at some point in life you MAY want to lead with emotion and your heart.

Also, I really like Constance and I love that name, but what is UP with her son being named Alistair? It sounds like an old timey manservant in Victorian England, not a cute kiddo who loves strips in Dallas!

-Eric is up next and before the family meeting, Rachel and Eric enjoy the view from some brutalist Space Needle wanna-be in Dallas.  Oh man I'd be willing to be that building was built in the 1960s or 70s when every city was like, "isn't poured concrete so great? Brutalism is an architectural style that we'll NEVER regret! Just look at Boston's City Hall Plaza--everybody loves it! Right? Right? Riiiiight?"

The family all really like Eric and they perceive him to be very genuine, candid, which he is.  He talks about his chaotic upbringing and I wonder if Rachel cares about him more as a friend/someone who she respects for what he has endured, more than a romantic partner, ya know?  Eric asked Rachel's mom for permission to propose and she grants it.  He's relieved and I'm hoping Rachel goes with him when all is said and done!

Up next is Miami's smoothest import since Gloria Estefan, BRYAN. Ugh.  Before the family visit, Rachel takes Bryan to a restaurant where they have drinks with her blonde pals on a windy roof.  Rachel admits that at first, she thought Bryan was a "douche bag" (YOUR INSTINCTS WERE RIGHT, RACHEL! TRUST THEM! DR. PHIL WOULD AGREE WITH ME!).  Bryan seems to make a good impression on the blonde gals somehow (ugh) but he does NOT impress the Lindsay family (thank God).  Constance is NOT having his use of the word "love" every other sentence and she tells him as much (YES) and Mama Lindsay likes that Bryan is close with his mother, but dislikes how effusive he is about people he hardly knows.  Overall, Bryan's visit feels like a VERY uncomfortable job interview and Rachel gets defensive on his behalf.  Oh girl--let this slippery snake slip out of your hands and go crack some backs back in Miami.

During that meeting, Rachel says something that reminds me of me: "I'm chill until I'm not." AMEN!! Love that!

After the Dallas family lunches, 3 Men and a Rachel fly to Spain for 3 nights of dates and FANTASY SUITE HUMPS.  We witness Rachel and Eric's final date and sleepover (well, the standard cutaway to fireworks or the light in a window turning off or some other such indicator that "HUMPS ARE HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.")  We watch Peter and Rachel's final date is cute (stomping on grapes! drinking wine!) but ends with the two of them seemingly at an impasse because Peter is a robot who cannot make decisions with his heart (he doesn't have one! He runs on a battery that must be recharged--what is a heart?) and Rachel is a fucking adult human who wants to get married, which is why she came on the damn show!

Am I getting too emotional?

This week was The Men Tell All and I'll watch that on Wednesday (after a serious date with the gym) and recap as quickly as I can.  Apologies for the delay, sweet readers!!

Bachelorette Rachel: Ep 3: Mud Fighting In a Honkey Tonk Bar? It's My Dream Date!

Greetings!

Monday night's episode was action packed, and I'm not just talking about the mud wrestling and horse shit.

We rejoined our fair maiden (Rachel) and her suitors (Diggy, Iggy, and the gang) where we left them--on a cliffhanger.  Everybody was all done up for a cocktail party and rose ceremony, but we had a party crasher--DeMario.

As you will recall, last week DeMario was asked to "go the F home" by Rachel "I will not be made a fool of" Lindsay and Bachelor Nation loves her for it!  But he's delusional and/or smitten, so he shows up to the Bachelor Mansion to try and win her back.  The guys heard that DeMario was in the driveway, so they assembled and acted tough while being "held off" by Bachelor Mansion security and Rachel walked down to DeMario to hear him plead his case.

Can we talk about her strut down to him? Chris Harrison escorted her and OMG I wish it had been in slow motion--it was SO fierce!  Rachel was all done up in that killer dress--black, slinky, slit up the leg, gold edging, fur coat--she was like a modern day Foxy Brown (the original) dream sequence!

DeMario pleads his case, saying that he hasn't been able to sleep, he knows he messed up, he didn't keep it real (her motto), and that "one of my favorite quotes is, in order to experience joy, you need to experience pain." Oh DeMario.  Even though Puff Diddy literally said that line in a song by girl band Danity Kane, it's not really an inspirational quote, so much as it's the meaning behind much better written, poetic inspirational quotes. For example: you need to live through winter to appreciate spring.  See?  THERE is an inspirational quote.

Anyway--somehow DeMario feels that in the 18-24 hours he just spent in the "dog house" (a hotel paid for by ABC, that is), he has learned a LOT.  God bless Rachel because she keeps her cool, she hears him out, and she is NOT HAVING IT. YES Rachel YES YES YES!! Her response is equal parts beautiful and hilarious, with her assuring him that she's glad he learned this life lesson, good and bad, all that stuff, but she wants a MAN and the way he behaved after the basketball game was the behavior of a BOY, so take this lesson with you as you go forward, DeMario, but forward aint into the Bachelor Mansion.  Thank you.

bye bye, DeMario 

The men are ELATED at how Rachel handled that--she had poise, grace, and all of those other adjectives that Madonna used to describe actresses in "Vogue."

Rachel doesn't miss a beat (which is what impressed me THE MOST because I would probably be feeling a little jittery and maybe pop into that bathroom for a quick cry after that scene) and dives into the cocktail party.  She laughs at Alex's Rubix Cube skills, at Jonathan's giant fabric hands (WHY WHY WHY? Is the props department in The Bachelorette just itching for something to do?), fawns over Kenny's sweet photos, and plays basketball in the driveway with Will.  It's all so sweet, until Loser Cruiser Twosome Blake and Lucas (aka Wahboom) decide that they want some time on camera.

Rachel gets some alone time with Lucas (who is wearing a plaid, baby blue suit jacket straight out of CADDYSHACK) and she asks him point blank why he and Blake are at odds.  Lucas responds with what I bet he thought was a funny joke ("maybe he likes me? Ya know, like, maybe he is GAY HAHAHHAAHAH! Get it GAY??") and Rachel doesn't laugh or "yes and" it (good move), then Lucas tells an obviously fictitious story about Blake supposedly watching him sleep and eating a banana while he does that.  Oh man I HATE people like this--people who will tell "jokes" that are really just dumb, silly lies, but they deliver them so ineffectually that the listener usually doesn't "get the joke" because it's not funny! Ahhhh! Get Wahboom outta here!

Also, can we please trot out this silly quarrel that is, as Rachel put it, "he said-he said" the next time anyone claims that The Bachelor features cat fights and petty quarrels (because the house is full of women)?  In fact, these men are PETTY AS HELL and there is DRAMA within the house, so that shit knows no gender boundaries.

At long last it's time for gorgeous Rachel to line-up these dudes and embarrass some of them on primetime TV.  Peter (gap teeth) already had a rose from last week's 1:1, Dean has one (remember when he walked Rachel to her car? Dreamy), and Josiah has one, also.

 Who scores a rose next?

-Bryan (white dude chiropractor, good kisser, but I don't love him)
-Bryce (white dude firefighter whose face is LEGIT like overstretched Silly Putty)
-Eric (black guy aka Tan Suit rocking a TAN SUIT!)
-Anthony (black guy with a bald head and cool style, though I HATE this suit--navy suit and black shirt? MY EYES ARE BLEEDING AND THAT IS SURPRISING BECAUSE GUY IS HOT BUT NEEDS A STYLIST. Could be be colorblind? I used to date a guy who would wear bad color combinations and it was because he was colorblind (and also a friggin' DOOOOUCHE haha KEVIN I HATE YOU STILL).
-Will (black guy, light grey suit, seems playful and cool)
-Jonathan (white guy Tickle Monster who seems fun but sorta lame)
-Jack (white guy, attorney guy, does nothing for me)
-Matt (white guy, CT dude, yellow tie, he's fine)
-Alex (hot Commie (is that offensive?) who is hella husky and has hot stubble. YES PLEASE.)
-Adam (I'm willing to admit that he's HOT but that weird Adam Jr. doll still creeps me out)
-Kenny (black dude wrestler who I am ROOTING for)
-Brady (white dude male model who tried to be funny at the close of the episode, but I don't think he quite gets it, ya know?)
-Lee (short nobody who is revealing himself to be a patronizing MONSTER)
-Iggy (Asian guy, red suit, I like his look but he seems a lil bland)
-Fred (black dude who Rachel knows from childhood, not doing super great)
-Diggy (black dude from Chicago with THE BEST STYLE. I hope that Rachel is saving him for later because he seem like a SOLID dude who deserves a 1:1).

So who is going home?
-Jamey (legit WHO ARE YOU white guy?)
-Blake (who I hated from the moment I saw him on After the Final Rose, so you might say I'm a Blake hating hipster)
-Lucas aka Wahboom.  Yes, ladies and gentlemen, our long national nightmare is over and the biggest TOOL to ever set foot in the Bachelor mansion is mercifully being sent packing.

Blake and Lucas wouldn't be Blake and Lucas if they didn't make themselves look like absolute DWEEBS on the way out, and they serve it up.  In the driveway, Blake rips into Lucas for being a "wanna-be comedian" (HA! Oh man is Lucas a frigging standup or improviser based in LA? I bet he's the weak link on an improv team with some shitty name like the "Jars of Bae" or like "Bae Watch" or like "Bae Street Metro Tech" or some other such Bae-based joke that the team members think will be HILARIOUS forever, but 3 years from now they'll find themselves booked on a 3:00 am show at the Del Close Marathon and their corny assed team name will sound SO dated and they'll all wonder what they are even DOING on this team. What is the goal? Is it just for fun? What is going on? When do we stop playing Zip Zap Zop?)

ANYWAY!

The next day Chris Harrison shows up to tell them what's on tap for the week: 2 group dates and a 1:1 date.

The first group date is a trip (and strip) to the daytime talk show "Ellen" and the lucky boys are Bryan, Jonathan, Peter, Alex, Will, and Fred.  They all meet Ellen, the guys strip down and dance among the Ellen Show audience for money (I am not kidding), then do a Q+A session during which Alex admits that he pees in the pool and FINALLY I relate to one of these guys!

We learn that, of the 6 guys on this group date, 3 of them have kissed Rachel and 3 have not and WOW the 3 who have not are sounding like Pollyanna with their take on it ("maybe they just kissed on the cheek?" -Jonathan).  Fred is feeling left behind, so he tries to come on strong at the after party, but ends up fumbling.  He asks Rachel if he may kiss her, which I think can be a cute move, but the timing was odd, Rachel basically laughed at him, and then they shared a VISIBLY BAD kiss. Rachel looked amazing, as ever (black bodysuit with cool cut outs, thin straps, and funky necklace) and the other guys just made better use of their time with Rachel.

In a BRUTAL maneuver, Rachel picks up the group date rose and pulls Fred aside, so we all thought he was getting the rose, but NO, ole' Freddy was getting sent home!  Rachel expresses it really beautifully, Fred handles the rejection well, and is whisked away.  I'm sure he'll see Rachel at a family BBQ in the future and never live this down.  Bye bye, Fred! Oh, also, the group date goes to Alex, thereby proving the old adage "he who pees in the shared pool always gets the girl."

The next day, Eric is unraveling at the Bachelor mansion and it's too bad because it's one of those things where you feel insecure and you're filled with shame about it and you keep rambling about it and other dudes chime in and make you feel even MORE insecure and it's like a Dane Cook standup  album filled with odd anecdotes more than jokes: A VICIOUS CIRCLE.

The 1:1 goes to Anthony, who impresses Bachelor Nation with his calm confidence and willingness to go with the flow.  Plus he's hot and JACKED.  Rachel and Anthony spend the day trotting around Rodeo Drive (literally---on horses) and shopping at overpriced stores, then letting a horse drop a deuce in a corny Beverly Hills tourist trap.  Nice work!  That night they get done up to enjoy drinks, conversation, and hand holding at a table overlooking the LA skyline.  Anthony wins our hearts with his thoughts about family, paying it forward, and his love for his parents and younger siblings. Rachel gives him a rose and then they sorta halfway dance/halfway stand around kissing in front of a jazz quartet that was very LA LA LAND.  (Did anyone else sorta hate that movie? I WANTED to love it but I just didn't).

Back at the house, Eric continues to unravel and for whatever reason, Iggy thinks he should chime in.  Eric is emotional and feeling insecure, so he makes a silly comment about Rachel's motives and the other guys will, no doubt, never let him hear the end of it.

The next day is a group date taken DIRECTLY from MY DREAMS, as it's a MUD WRESTLING tournament at a HONKEY TONK BAR.  Ummmm hello--I have picked my wedding venue!! Now I just need a charismatic man with a big belly please!!!

The boys who will be stripping down and wrasslin' are Brady (model), Dean (teeth), Adam (hot but #NeverForget Puppetgate), Kenny (this is his DREAM date even more than it's my dream date), Bryce (oh, you're still here? HOW?), Lee (you're too average and scrawny to have that much confidence, guy), Jack (dead weight), and Eric (feeling insecure is NEVER a good thing).

Rachel's besties, Raven, Corinne, Jasmine, and Alexis are joining the crew for the day and it's a rowdy bar scene!  A true "bottle blonde"lady (the bar owner?) runs the show and the dudes strip down and do some last minute push ups and screaming to get pumped up.  Kenny is FIRED UP and this honkey tonk bar is about to experience "the pretty boy pitbull."

action shots

Everyone does surprisingly well, even Jack, the wimpy looking lawyer who it as stunned as we are that he's even still on the show.  The ladies wear clear raincoats (I sorta love those) and drink and cheer as the mayhem goes down.  The final round is Kenny vs. Bryce and somehow Bryce wins, which Kenny handles gracefully.

If nothing else, I bet this is good for their pores?

While the guys "shower off" (they were using a frigging garden hose!), Rachel confers with her gals and everybody likes Dean.  Raven reports that both Lee and Bryce said that perhaps Eric isn't right for Rachel.

That night at Oak Canyon Ranch, Rachel rocks a lovely, heather grey dress and jacket (sometimes monochromatic looks can be SO great) and has great conversation with Kenny and Dean.  Adam falls flat and she seems to have ZERO connection with Jack.  Eric opens up to Rachel, saying that he has been running from his feeling his entire life, feels vulnerable and anxious about that.  Rachel listens thoughtfully and seems to have a lot of fondness for him, but she shoots him straight that 2 guys (and she names them--Lee and Bryce) said that Eric may not have pure motives and I gotta stop right here and say I am VERY ANNOYED that somehow the idea that Eric may not be right for Rachel has become "Eric has bad motives."  I don't think that's what anyone meant.

Eric sits down with the guys and immediately asks Lee and Bryce to fess up.  Bryce sort of admits that he said something but that it wasn't about motives, whereas Lee leans into it and claims that he talked shit because Eric has never been in love and is inexperienced in relationships.  Dude, Lee, WHAT DO YOU CARE?? RUN YOUR OWN RACE, JACKASS.  Buh.  At this point, Lee becomes SO patronizing and keeps saying to Eric "I love you to death" while also making him feel ashamed for not having more breakups in his past.  HUH?  Eric got really frustrated (understandably so) and sorta fell for Lee's manipulations.   Lee is a gaslighter and a manipulator and a pussy.  NO THANK YOU.

The next evening is the rose ceremony and the guys are dressed up and Rachel's sporting a sparkly, gold gown with a side part (change it up! Yes).  Eric chats with the guys and says that since he has a rose, he just wants to share good energy and peace and grace and it's very sweet of him--to be mindful that perhaps he should hang back.  Both Lee and Iggy talk to Rachel about their tiffs with Eric, which feels sort of unnecessary and even Rachel seems like she doesn't want to get into the drama.  Hell, she JUST had to handle the Blake vs. Lucas situation--who's a girl gotta fuck to just get HIT ON around here?  Save the drama for your mamma and gimme some cheap feels, boys!

Finally, Rachel seeks out Eric to discuss this issue and she assures him that she's genuine, she's not here to play games, but that her antennae are up and she's curious about why she KEEPS hearing his name.  Eric handles it well, then goes into the living room to address the issues again and ask Lee point blank, "why my name is in your mouth" (a phrase I sorta LOVE).  Lee is patronizing as ever, giving him the ridiculous, useless advice to simply focus on himself because "it's not about you" but I'm with Eric when he exclaims, "it IS about ME because MY NAME is in YOUR MOUTH."  Eric is exactly right and I wish that he would say to Lee, "hey, guy, you're SO obsessed with trying to paint me as a fraud ONLY because YOU are a fraud and you're here to be on TV ONLY and you are being rude to me and patronizing me, the when I react in an appropriate way to someone who is antagonizing me, you try to make ME seem like the bad guy!"

Next week dumbass psychopath Lee will learn that referring to black men as "too aggressive" and "too intense" is just like referring to women as "crazy" in that both moves used by shitty people trying to pathologize and undermine and shame others for having NORMAL emotions and responses.

GOODNESS GRACIOUS IS THIS A BACHELORETTE RECAP OR AN ACADEMIC PAPER ON THE SOCIAL IMPLICATIONS OF GASLIGHTING?

GOODNIGHT!

Bachelorette Rachel: A Dirty Dog Gets Dismissed, White Dudes Are Kinda Buggin'

Greetings, fellow residents of Bachelor Nation!  How was your Memorial Day weekend? I hope that you all enjoyed long weekends, remembered the fallen troops who gave their lives for us (Memorial Day weekend is about more than just the premier of official white jeans season! Though I LOVE white jeans season), and ate/drank a bit too much.

Speaking of drinking too much, on Monday night we enjoyed episode 2 of Rachel's season as The Bachelorette and there was definitely drunken drama!  The line of the night goes to loving father/professional wrestler Kenny, who said, "these white dudes are kind buggin' right now" and all of Bachelor Nation cheered.

If you prefer to HEAR two Bachelor Nation lifers chat about this episode, listen to The Fantasy Suite, my and Dava Krause's amazing Bach podcast here.

But to start at the beginning...

The episode opens with Rachel waking up after the "first night" (which lasts roughly 16 hours) and playing with her dog Copper (who has a mysterious leg injury THAT IS NEVER explained! Will we EVER know the truth about CopperGATE?) while the guys perform their legally mandated "RACHEL!" group scream off the Bachelor Mansion upstairs deck.

Chris Harrison maps out the week for them: 2 group dates and a 1:1 date, roses up for grabs on all dates, don't fuck it up.

The first date is about how Rachel is looking for husband material (I LOVE her attitude in all of this--she KNOWS she's a catch and aint afraid to say it!) and the guys invited are Dean (white guy with blinding teeth, 25), Jack (white guy who seems allergic to ties and personality), Jonathan (white boy tickle monster BOOOO), Blake (white dude sorta redhead drummer guy who I do NOT like), Iggy (husky Asian guy who is HOT but maybe not that interesting?), Kenny (black guy Vegas wrestler who is a CONTENDER for sure), Fred (black guy, hometown hottie), and Lucas (white guy who feels like a character from The Chapelle Show who is "The Whitest, Corniest White Guy Of All Time").

They head out to a grassy field where Rachel is BBQing in a sundress.  The crew enjoys a bunch of Moscow Mules (SO hot right now!), a playful football game, and Blake establishes that he knows "the real Lucas" and that "the one person who could ruin this for him is me" (which I think is quite generous, Blake. Surely Lucas's horrendous personality and inability to chill out could serve to ruin this for himself, ya know?).  Blake never says it outright, but I read online that Lucas and Blake were both on WE TV's "Ex Isle"--a reality TV show in which exes live on a deserted island after a 3 hour tour or something?  Really, who cares--but HOW PATHETIC is it that TWO dudes from a LAME reality TV show on a completely unpopular network (sorry "WE TV" but legit who are you?) are reunited on a DIFFERENT reality TV show?  THIS is truly what's wrong with our country.

The second part of this group date is the Husband Material Challenge, a set of stations that each guy must master, and that course is overseen by Bachelor Nation residents Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis! Oh man I bet this is an episode of The Bachelorette that Demi Moore WON'T be watching.  The stations are dad duties: changing a dirty diaper, strapping the baby into a Baby Bjorn and wearing it, vacuuming, clogging a drain, finding a diamond ring, setting a table, picking up flowers.  Ashton and Mila supervise and at the end, things come down to Kenny vs. Lucas.  You can tell that EVERYONE is rooting for Kenny, but somehow Lucas wins it all (well, not really "somehow" so much as he nearly drowns his baby and then clotheslines Kenny).  Rachel puts a "winner" medal around his neck, but unlike the winner of most other challenges in other seasons, Rachel and Lucas don't get any alone time, which made me laugh.  He won't be around long.

I must say, I am not and have never been a big Ashton Kutcher fan.  I know that he charmed America during his turn on "That 70's Show" and the sociopaths who enjoy prank shows LOVED his show "Punk'd" (wherein wealthy people were lead to believe that bad things had happened to them for up to 15 minutes of anxiety then they had a big reveal that HA HA HA this is just professional jagoff Ashton Kutcher messing with you! Fear not, rich celebrity, your Miata convertible was NOT filled with horse dung--it's fine! You're still rich! You will ALWAYS be fine! Economic insecurity, police brutality, being crushed underfoot by the inherent violence of capitalism--those things will NEVER harm you!! Hahahhaha isn't that great TV programming?). ALAS, I gained a small iota of affection for Mr. Kutcher during this episode, ONLY because he flatly REFUSED to understand or enjoy or go along with "Wahboom" and for that, I respect him.

Meanwhile, back at the house singer/songwriter Lee is extremely tiresome and Will has noticed!

At the group date after party Rachel rocks a VERY low cut black dress with zipper edging down the front V neck and a zipper horizontally up the leg.  She's also sporting a red lip and looks fierce.  To be polite, Rachel pulls Lucas aside first (since he won, so she probably HAD to) and he reads her a moronic poem that concludes with him mis-using the word "entail."  While Lucas is away, Blake tells the other guys on the group date that he knows Lucas from a "previous encounter" (is that what they call a previous reality TV show nowadays because it sounds like they hooked up) and that Lucas is NOT here for Rachel, he just wants to be on TV, and he has been peddling this weird "Wahboom" garbage for 3 years. None of this surprises ANY of the guys.

Rachel gets 1:1 time with each guy and Jack acts like a pussy, Jonathan spends all their solo time talking about diaper changing (why no more tickling, Tickle Monster?), Iggy makes boring conversation, Fred insists that he has matured, and Blake informs Rachel that Lucas is full of shit and not here for the right reasons. Dean, the 25-year-old who I have been mocking for his teeth size/brightness, turns out to be pretty playful and charismatic, and he and Rachel get along great. Blake and Lucas nearly come to blows, which inspires Kenny to walk off in search of Rachel because...

Rachel and Kenny have a fantastic conversation and share a sweet kiss, but the date rose goes to Dean who then makes the STRONGEST move in Bachelorette history and WALKS HER TO THE CAR! I know it seems small and obvious which is why it is SO STUNNING that no one has thought of this before! I mean, no one has, right, my fellow Bach heads?  It was SO suave! Yes yes yes, Dean-o--talk my hand, walk me to the car, lead me in, then tap on the door.  GOOD LORD I SUDDENLY LOVE DEAN!! WTF????

The next day, Peter (white guy, facial scruff, dark hair) and Rachel have a 1:1 date (well, 1:1 + dog) in Palm Springs, CA, one of my FAVORITE places in the world.  I spent my 35th birthday at the Ace Hotel + Swim Club resort in Palm Springs and I love that place so much.  They attend "Bark Fest" which is like a Coachella for dogs (but with less drugs).

That evening over "dinner" (drinks served at a table with plates that will never be used), Peter and Rachel talk about their shared gap toothed smiles (that conversation was a dentist's dream as far as free promotion) and the fact that they have BOTH seen therapists.  Ha! That made me laugh.  He seemed anxious to share this tidbit and he even called it a "relationship therapist" which felt like a weird way for him to qualify his need to get some counseling.  Dude, let it rip!  Everybody's in therapy! Aint no shame! Rachel gives Peter a kiss and a rose and they watch some fireworks. In keeping with the animal date theme, Rachel says she's a "smitten kitten for Peter" which is SO cute! Rachel can do no wrong! She's just so damn charming and lovely!

The next day is the "SWISH" group date and the gang is Will (pretty forgettable), Jamey (white guy who has said nothing except that he thinks he has a good face and hair), Diggy (YES! Handsome black guy from Chicago, rad glasses), Alex (white guy with accent who likes to hang out with his parents and with strips of raw meat), Adam (white guy who is cute but will never live down the creepy doll thing), Lee (singer/songwriter/nightmare), Matt (white guy from CT who arrived in a penguin suit and seems bland), Eric (black guy who arrived in a tan suit and seems intense), Josiah (black guy, lawyer, cute), and DeMario (black guy, lil intense).

The crew assembles at a gym where Rachel is rocking an effortless Sporty Spice look (love it) and DeMario is laying it on THICK.  Then outta nowhere, who arrives but hit actor featured in AIRPLANE!, Kareem Abdul Jabbar (who apparently also spent some time playing hoops before he BROKE THROUGH as a brilliant comedic actor).  Kareem is hugely likeable and trots out some inspirational tidbits about how teamwork is important in life and in love yadda yadda yadda.  The guys work on some drills under the watchful eyes of Rachel and Kareem and we spot a budding romance between Rachel and DeMario, so YOU KNOW something bad is about to happen.



The dudes split up into 2 teams (purple vs. white) and have a super mini basketball game in front of a "packed house" (apparently the new definition of "packed house" is when 3 out of 5 sections of dinky high school bleachers are full).  One team wins and another team loses (who cares which is which, ya know? Such is life. You must go through winter to appreciate spring, you must suffer some injustices to appreciate good things, there is a season to everything, yes I am turning into a hippie dippy weirdo between these parenthesis) and post-game, the teams retire to the locker room while Rachel takes selfies with fans.

One girl sits Rachel down and drops a bombshell--her name is Lexi she's wearing an unflattering, white girl flesh toned shirt (WHY DO THEY DO THIS?) and a SCRUNCHIE on her wrist (did anyone else notice that?), but she didn't stop Rachel for fashion advice (though she should), she stopped her to share the news that she and DeMario dated for SEVEN MONTHS until he GHOSTED her to go on The Bachelorette.  DeMario never dumped her, never communicated what was going on--he simply ditched town and then Lexi and her beloved scrunchie saw him on TV in After the Final Rose. Wooooooow.  Rachel immediately gets DeMario from the locker room and he walks into the gym probably thinking that he's getting a rose then he sees Lexi and says "ohhhhh!!" as if he recognizes her, then changes course and says "who's this?" Oh fuuuuck you, DeMario.  THEN, as if he can't make himself look any worse, in response to Lexi's insistence that he still has the keys to her apartment, he was in her bed mere weeks before he went on the show, he says "SHE IS PSYCHO."

NOPE.
No.
No.
No, DeMario.

Calling a woman "psycho" is the favorite move of low key misogynists who are trying to pull a fast one on a woman, but want HER to seem like the irrational, crazy, problem one.  And people are finally calling it for what it is--manipulation, gaslighting, and a trick used to make a woman feel afraid to point it out when a man is treating her like shit.  The fantastic parody Women's Magazine website Reductress has one of my favorite takes on this:

I'm Sorry I Was Being So Crazy While You Were Treating Me Like Shit.  

Rachel gives them both time to talk, but DeMario has NO leg to stand on.  DeMario claims that this situation is "personal life stuff" which pisses off Rachel because THIS--THIS RIGHT HERE--THIS SHOW, THIS is HER personal life stuff.  She remains calm and asks DeMario a few questions to try and make sense of the situation, then she looks at the texts on Lexi's phone (at Lexi's urging).  Rachel simply asks DeMario, WHY did you cut off communication? Why didn't you simply TELL Lexi what you were doing or where you were going?

Then Rachel says something that I would like to have painted on my friggin' accent wall so that I review it every morning, "I'm not there to be played, I'm not here to be made a joke of" and I was screaming YESSS GIRL!  She closes with, "I'm really going to need for you to get the F out" and she walks off.  Now THAT is how it's done, my friends.  If it SEEMS sorta fishy and weird, IT IS, so trust your gut and WALK AWAY from ANY dude who seems dishonest or opportunistic ESPECIALLY if he refers to his ex-GF as a "psycho."

At the afterparty, Rachel looks gorgeous in a gunmetal, silk, sparkly slip dress and most of the guys work hard to make her feel safe, that she can trust them, and that she is protected, but Josiah does it the most and the best and is rewarded with a rose.

The next day it's RAINING and the weather matches the somber mood in the house, which Iggy phrases by saying "there's a theoretical cloud over the house."  Ummm buddy, actually there's probably a REAL cloud over the house but perhaps you mean there is ALSO a METAPHORICAL cloud over the house.  Good Lord where do these people learn to talk so dumb?

The men get ready for a rose ceremony and Rachel arrives in her best dress yet--black, floor length, sleeveless with KILLER gold edging on the arms/neckline, plus a gorgeous gold belt.  It's like a 70s disco dream and you KNOW how I love my 70s style clothing.  She chats excitedly with Bryan (chiropractor who got First Impression Rose last week) and is slowly getting her groove back after the DeMario drama when who shows up in the Bachelor Manse drive way but DEMARIO!!  Goodness gracious can anyone simply leave this show with their tail between their legs, or must they ALL return in order to save face, only to make things even worse?

A security staffer greets DeMario and brings Chris Harrison down to the driveway so that he and DeMario can talk.  Chris Harrison goes up to the house to fill Rachel in on what is happening and a few guys overhear, so THEY head down the driveway also.

We were left with a dramatic "TO BE CONTINUED" so we'll have to wait and find out what happens next week but I am PRAYING for a giant, street brawl that's DeMario versus Everyone.

See you next week, friends!

Bachelorette Rachel: Boundaries, BYO-Cock Block, Wahboom

Greetings, my fellow Bachelor heads!!

Last night was the season premiere of Rachel Lindsay’s season as our intrepid Bachelorette and it did NOT disappoint!  Oh my goodness, it had everything: tons of drinks, men who lack boundaries, regrettable clothing/costume choices, and great hair (on Rachel ONLY). 

Before we dive in, a few quick things: immediately after the episode, my lovely neighbor Dava Krause and I recorded an episode of our hit podcast The Fantasty Suite, so if you want to HEAR our hot takes on Night One, then take a listen right here.  If you wish to read my personal hot takes, then keep going here.  If you want to do both, HAVE AT IT!

In the interest of not making myself go insane, I’m not going to list all arrivals and then the entire rose ceremony.  It’s just too much and there were just SO many dark suits (much easier to judge dresses, ya know?) so I’ll do a general recap, then share the Rose Ceremony dudes (and, of course, the losers). 

OK so the episode kicked off with Rachel—America’s first black Bachelorette—having photos taken and adjusting to life in the public eye.  We watched a montage of her “journey” (10 points! I used “journey” in recap numero uno!) from last season—receiving the first impression rose from Nick Viall, canoodling with him throughout their season, and finally, being sent home in a pool of runny mascara and silver eyeshadow.  Oh sweet girl—you’re too good for that lame-o.  Then we see a shot of Rachel back in action rocking a FIERCE 70s style jumper on After the Final Rose, where she meets her first 4 suitors from this season!  Rachel rolls up to her private residence for the season in a sleek, black sports car (or a fancy Mazda? I couldn’t quite tell what it was?) with her dog Copper (SO CUTE! Also I LOVE that she arrived with her dog) and they settle in.  She pops back to the Bachelor mansion to get some dating advice from A CREW OF GIRLS WHO ALL GOT REJECTED LAST SEASON, ALSO!! YESS-what a great resource, no?? 

NO!!!  

Literally NO.  

Nonetheless, Raven, Corinne, Jasmine, Dolphin girl, 2 interchangeable brunettes, and Kristina encourage Rachel to “let yourself fall” and they all get misty eyed. 

But there’s no time for misty eyes, ladies—Rachel needs to get ready for the big “first night” that lasts 16 hours! 

Rachel looks stunning in a sparkly, white, textured, floor length gown that’s sleeveless and has a really cool design on the back.  She has on dangly earrings, hair down, fantastic make-up—she’s ready to rock.  The guys arrive and there are some good entrances (hotties, dudes who just act cool and normal, silly jokes), some bad entrances (an Urkel impression, really? Also a dude in a penguin suit, Blake the “aspiring drummer” who arrives with a marching band and apparently he isn’t only “aspiring,” he is also DOING it), and some terrible entrances.  

Yes, when I say terrible entrances I’m talking about Jonathan the TICKLE MONSTER. 

NO NO NO! I know that he was probably attempting to be playful when he told Rachel to close her eyes and put out her hand but he does not KNOW this woman and when she trusted him and played along, he GRABBED her by the waist and really forcefully “tickled” her. No way, bro.  I’m sorry, but that was just too much too soon. I literally don’t even TOUCH a person without asking them.  

The final arrival is Lucas whose job/nickname/hobby/lifestyle (?) is WAHBOOM (whatever that is/means) and GOOD LORD this guy is tiresome.  That “Wahboom” thing gets old before he can even scream the second syllable and the whole display (which is him thrashing his head around while screaming “WAHBOOM” and shaking) feels like watching a guy who was SUPER POPULAR at the boy-girl parties in 6^th grade and then after that everyone just found him annoying and he stopped being popular but lacks the self-awareness and self-reflection to understand why.  I legit LOATHE this guy. 

OK so we head into the house and it’s standard Night One fare: dudes interrupting one another in a desperate attempt to get some face time with their would-be love match; dudes drinking too much and talking smack; dudes trotting out lame mini date activities that they desperately pray will make them memorable/appear to have a personality.  While Rachel has 1:1 time outside, Lucas (aka Wahboom and GOOD LORD it gives me dumb chills to even type out that lame word) “entertains” (freaks out) a few guys by asking them what level of Wahboom they would like.  Way to engage them in your lameness, Lucas. They pick an 11 (good call, boys—this one goes to 11) and Lucas obliges them, doing his signature move cranked up so hard that he literally falls backward off a couch during he “wind up” (that is, the “WAAAH” part), then when he pops back up from the couch to land the “BOOM” part, everyone has already lost interest and turned their back to him. That was delicious to witness. 

Oh speaking of creepy shit, we must discuss Adam Junior.  Adam, an ostensibly handsome guy who works as a real estate agent, arrived at the house with a freaky doll thing that he calls Adam Junior.  Adam Junior doesn’t look like Adam and he’s not a ventriloquist doll (not that THAT would make it okay) or even a children’s doll.  Adam Junior is a strange doll that has a facial features drawn on its face surface (words elude me in attempting to describe this bizarre thing), he wears a suit and has a wig (gross—something about that wig REALLY made me feel yucky).  He resembles those weird dolls that you’d see in a chintzy Italian restaurant that caters to large families—like those animatronic things that they dress up as carolers during the holiday season.  Rachel hates it and so do I!  Adam, why are you bringing your own cock block?

Adam Jr's family

Rachel gives the First Impression Rose to Bryan, a 37-year-old chiropractor from Florida (so he probably got his medical license at the mall) who speaks Spanish and is a straight shooter. He was a little too suave for me (I like ‘em SIMPLE as hell), but he’s a sexy dude who knows what he wants, which is nice. Bryan and Rachel make out HARD a few times on night one. 

Finally it’s sunrise and I'm feeing like, woa, whose ass do I gotta kiss to get a rose ceremony around here?  OK, Rachel makes her selections:

-Peter – handsome, dark haired white guy who is 30, from Wisconsin, was first out of the limo. I loved his plaid suit jacket—a bold choice, cool guy.

-Will – handsome black guy with a purple tie, did the Urkel impression when he arrived.

-Jack – 31, lawyer, white guy, dark hair from Dallas TX. I didn’t love his entrance (Rachel said “I’ll see you inside” and he said, “you better” which just reeks of The Game to me). 

-Jamey – Santa Monica CA white guy who made a remark that he has great hair and is very handsome. No thank you. Also, as they say “you aint all that.”

-Iggy – husky Chicago guy who looks part Asian and has great taste in shoes. He’s a cutie, but didn’t make much of an impression.

-Eric – personal trainer from LA, tan suit, black guy who carries himself a little bit strangely, I think. Anybody else feel like his shoulders were up the whole episode?

-DeMario – 30, Executive Recruiter from CA who met Rachel on After the Final Rose and is a strong contender for good reason.

-Jonathan – white guy “tickle monster” (you mean, just MONSTER?) who needs to learn some boundaries and get sent home soon.

-Bryce – white guy firefighter whose face/jawline are extremely strange

-Alex – white guy whose family we met earlier in the episode as they BBQs some type of meat. He has a bit of an accent—Greek, Russian? He’s super handsome, but the vacuum bit was lame.

-Kenny – 35, professional wrestler from Las Vegas, black man who has made a GREAT impression and seems like a solid dude. He has a 10-year-old daughter and I’m expecting big things from him this season.

-Dean – 25-year-old white guy who lives in LA and is literally nothing more than some voluminous hair and oversized, white teeth.  I am NOT loving it.

-Matt – white dude, dark hair, CT construction guy who rolled up in a penguin suit. Meh.

-Anthony – rocked a light suit jacket, 26, black guy, seems to carry himself in a very serious fashion, which I can dig. Seems like a slow burn and I like it.

-Brady – white guy, male model, 29, arrived with a block of ice and a sledgehammer. He seems like a bore and a half. 

-Josiah – black guy whose outfit was my favorite (grey suit jacket with black lapels—LOVE that style) who is also an attorney (loved his joke “see ya later, litigator’) and earlier we learned that when Josiah was 7, his older brother hung himself because of bullying.   After that tragedy (Josiah literally found him), Josiah lashed out, got into trouble, then at age 12 turned his life around after a judge spoke to him. Oh man what a tearjerker. I’m excited to get to know Josiah more this season, but I hope that his ENTIRE identity on the show doesn’t become that childhood trauma—I’m sure he has a LOT to give!

-Lee – white guy with BIG hair who is a singer/songwriter (I’m sorry but I hate him already) who entered singing and strumming his guitar (ugh) and I’d bet is here for the WRONG REASONS!!! No record deal for you!!

-Diggy – yes yes yes! Handsome black guy out of Chicago who owns 575 pairs of sneakers and has GREAT taste. I love his gingham shirt and pink bow tie! Hoping he sticks around for a while.

-Fred – yes yes yes! Fred is my favorite. Dark skinned black guy out of Dallas TX who, we learned, was a 3^rd grader at the same school where Rachel was an 8^th grader and she was his camp counselor! I think the hometown connection is cute, but will Rachel’s memories of Fred as a snot-nosed, 10-year-old troublemaker prevent a love connection? We’ll see!

-Adam – white guy who arrived with a DOLL.  Come on, man.  Rachel hilariously calls his name and clarifies, “just Adam.” 

-Blake E. – white guy with reddish hair who arrived drumming. Buh. I don’t like this guy—his initial interview was ALL about sex which is just too much too soon. I hope that this little drummer boy ba-rump-pa-pum-pums his way outta the Bachelorette manse soon.

We’re down to the final rose and she has a lot of guys left—Mohit the handsome Indian start-up guy from San Fran, Milton, another Blake, Jedediah who arrived quoting scripture (not a joke)—who scores that coveted final spot?

-Lucas aka Wahboom.  Oh Rachel, why, girl?  I’ll tell you why: producers want more bizarre footage.  Ugh.  In typical Lucas style, when she says his name he absolutely wilds out, shrieking “WAHBOOM” as the other guys roll their eyes and/or try to choke back tears at the fact that they are being sent home and this bozo got a rose. 

A handful of guys leave and by the time they are stumbling out of the mansion it’s legit MID-DAY.  Goodness gracious.   These are first night departures, so in the Bachelorette history books, they are mere footnotes and I can’t use up my brain space with them. 

Then ABC serves up some preview of what we’ll see from Rachel and The Boyz this season and there are LOTS of fur coast (I hope faux fur so that my vegan friends don’t get too upset), a few shots of Anthony (slow burn), Dean (nothing but teeth), Fred (hot childhood friend), Jack (pushy lawyer guy) and some BRAWLS between Lee (definitely here to become a country superstar—barf) and Eric (aka tan suit, shoulders up). I think I spotted a 2-on-1 date featuring Kenny (wrestler) and Lee (how is he a thing?), plus we get a visit from an IRATE EX-GIRLFRIEND! All of the ingredients for a fantastic season are here!!!

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In the words of American’s first black President, I’m holding onto HOPE and in the words of America’s first black Bachelorette, let’s keep it real, keep it 100, and have fun! No regrets! Here we go!