Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Bachelorette Rachel: Ep 3: Mud Fighting In a Honkey Tonk Bar? It's My Dream Date!


Monday night's episode was action packed, and I'm not just talking about the mud wrestling and horse shit.

We rejoined our fair maiden (Rachel) and her suitors (Diggy, Iggy, and the gang) where we left them--on a cliffhanger.  Everybody was all done up for a cocktail party and rose ceremony, but we had a party crasher--DeMario.

As you will recall, last week DeMario was asked to "go the F home" by Rachel "I will not be made a fool of" Lindsay and Bachelor Nation loves her for it!  But he's delusional and/or smitten, so he shows up to the Bachelor Mansion to try and win her back.  The guys heard that DeMario was in the driveway, so they assembled and acted tough while being "held off" by Bachelor Mansion security and Rachel walked down to DeMario to hear him plead his case.

Can we talk about her strut down to him? Chris Harrison escorted her and OMG I wish it had been in slow motion--it was SO fierce!  Rachel was all done up in that killer dress--black, slinky, slit up the leg, gold edging, fur coat--she was like a modern day Foxy Brown (the original) dream sequence!

DeMario pleads his case, saying that he hasn't been able to sleep, he knows he messed up, he didn't keep it real (her motto), and that "one of my favorite quotes is, in order to experience joy, you need to experience pain." Oh DeMario.  Even though Puff Diddy literally said that line in a song by girl band Danity Kane, it's not really an inspirational quote, so much as it's the meaning behind much better written, poetic inspirational quotes. For example: you need to live through winter to appreciate spring.  See?  THERE is an inspirational quote.

Anyway--somehow DeMario feels that in the 18-24 hours he just spent in the "dog house" (a hotel paid for by ABC, that is), he has learned a LOT.  God bless Rachel because she keeps her cool, she hears him out, and she is NOT HAVING IT. YES Rachel YES YES YES!! Her response is equal parts beautiful and hilarious, with her assuring him that she's glad he learned this life lesson, good and bad, all that stuff, but she wants a MAN and the way he behaved after the basketball game was the behavior of a BOY, so take this lesson with you as you go forward, DeMario, but forward aint into the Bachelor Mansion.  Thank you.

bye bye, DeMario 
The men are ELATED at how Rachel handled that--she had poise, grace, and all of those other adjectives that Madonna used to describe actresses in "Vogue."

Rachel doesn't miss a beat (which is what impressed me THE MOST because I would probably be feeling a little jittery and maybe pop into that bathroom for a quick cry after that scene) and dives into the cocktail party.  She laughs at Alex's Rubix Cube skills, at Jonathan's giant fabric hands (WHY WHY WHY? Is the props department in The Bachelorette just itching for something to do?), fawns over Kenny's sweet photos, and plays basketball in the driveway with Will.  It's all so sweet, until Loser Cruiser Twosome Blake and Lucas (aka Wahboom) decide that they want some time on camera.

Rachel gets some alone time with Lucas (who is wearing a plaid, baby blue suit jacket straight out of CADDYSHACK) and she asks him point blank why he and Blake are at odds.  Lucas responds with what I bet he thought was a funny joke ("maybe he likes me? Ya know, like, maybe he is GAY HAHAHHAAHAH! Get it GAY??") and Rachel doesn't laugh or "yes and" it (good move), then Lucas tells an obviously fictitious story about Blake supposedly watching him sleep and eating a banana while he does that.  Oh man I HATE people like this--people who will tell "jokes" that are really just dumb, silly lies, but they deliver them so ineffectually that the listener usually doesn't "get the joke" because it's not funny! Ahhhh! Get Wahboom outta here!

Also, can we please trot out this silly quarrel that is, as Rachel put it, "he said-he said" the next time anyone claims that The Bachelor features cat fights and petty quarrels (because the house is full of women)?  In fact, these men are PETTY AS HELL and there is DRAMA within the house, so that shit knows no gender boundaries.

At long last it's time for gorgeous Rachel to line-up these dudes and embarrass some of them on primetime TV.  Peter (gap teeth) already had a rose from last week's 1:1, Dean has one (remember when he walked Rachel to her car? Dreamy), and Josiah has one, also.

 Who scores a rose next?

-Bryan (white dude chiropractor, good kisser, but I don't love him)
-Bryce (white dude firefighter whose face is LEGIT like overstretched Silly Putty)
-Eric (black guy aka Tan Suit rocking a TAN SUIT!)
-Anthony (black guy with a bald head and cool style, though I HATE this suit--navy suit and black shirt? MY EYES ARE BLEEDING AND THAT IS SURPRISING BECAUSE GUY IS HOT BUT NEEDS A STYLIST. Could be be colorblind? I used to date a guy who would wear bad color combinations and it was because he was colorblind (and also a friggin' DOOOOUCHE haha KEVIN I HATE YOU STILL).
-Will (black guy, light grey suit, seems playful and cool)
-Jonathan (white guy Tickle Monster who seems fun but sorta lame)
-Jack (white guy, attorney guy, does nothing for me)
-Matt (white guy, CT dude, yellow tie, he's fine)
-Alex (hot Commie (is that offensive?) who is hella husky and has hot stubble. YES PLEASE.)
-Adam (I'm willing to admit that he's HOT but that weird Adam Jr. doll still creeps me out)
-Kenny (black dude wrestler who I am ROOTING for)
-Brady (white dude male model who tried to be funny at the close of the episode, but I don't think he quite gets it, ya know?)
-Lee (short nobody who is revealing himself to be a patronizing MONSTER)
-Iggy (Asian guy, red suit, I like his look but he seems a lil bland)
-Fred (black dude who Rachel knows from childhood, not doing super great)
-Diggy (black dude from Chicago with THE BEST STYLE. I hope that Rachel is saving him for later because he seem like a SOLID dude who deserves a 1:1).

So who is going home?
-Jamey (legit WHO ARE YOU white guy?)
-Blake (who I hated from the moment I saw him on After the Final Rose, so you might say I'm a Blake hating hipster)
-Lucas aka Wahboom.  Yes, ladies and gentlemen, our long national nightmare is over and the biggest TOOL to ever set foot in the Bachelor mansion is mercifully being sent packing.

Blake and Lucas wouldn't be Blake and Lucas if they didn't make themselves look like absolute DWEEBS on the way out, and they serve it up.  In the driveway, Blake rips into Lucas for being a "wanna-be comedian" (HA! Oh man is Lucas a frigging standup or improviser based in LA? I bet he's the weak link on an improv team with some shitty name like the "Jars of Bae" or like "Bae Watch" or like "Bae Street Metro Tech" or some other such Bae-based joke that the team members think will be HILARIOUS forever, but 3 years from now they'll find themselves booked on a 3:00 am show at the Del Close Marathon and their corny assed team name will sound SO dated and they'll all wonder what they are even DOING on this team. What is the goal? Is it just for fun? What is going on? When do we stop playing Zip Zap Zop?)


The next day Chris Harrison shows up to tell them what's on tap for the week: 2 group dates and a 1:1 date.

The first group date is a trip (and strip) to the daytime talk show "Ellen" and the lucky boys are Bryan, Jonathan, Peter, Alex, Will, and Fred.  They all meet Ellen, the guys strip down and dance among the Ellen Show audience for money (I am not kidding), then do a Q+A session during which Alex admits that he pees in the pool and FINALLY I relate to one of these guys!

We learn that, of the 6 guys on this group date, 3 of them have kissed Rachel and 3 have not and WOW the 3 who have not are sounding like Pollyanna with their take on it ("maybe they just kissed on the cheek?" -Jonathan).  Fred is feeling left behind, so he tries to come on strong at the after party, but ends up fumbling.  He asks Rachel if he may kiss her, which I think can be a cute move, but the timing was odd, Rachel basically laughed at him, and then they shared a VISIBLY BAD kiss. Rachel looked amazing, as ever (black bodysuit with cool cut outs, thin straps, and funky necklace) and the other guys just made better use of their time with Rachel.

In a BRUTAL maneuver, Rachel picks up the group date rose and pulls Fred aside, so we all thought he was getting the rose, but NO, ole' Freddy was getting sent home!  Rachel expresses it really beautifully, Fred handles the rejection well, and is whisked away.  I'm sure he'll see Rachel at a family BBQ in the future and never live this down.  Bye bye, Fred! Oh, also, the group date goes to Alex, thereby proving the old adage "he who pees in the shared pool always gets the girl."

The next day, Eric is unraveling at the Bachelor mansion and it's too bad because it's one of those things where you feel insecure and you're filled with shame about it and you keep rambling about it and other dudes chime in and make you feel even MORE insecure and it's like a Dane Cook standup  album filled with odd anecdotes more than jokes: A VICIOUS CIRCLE.

The 1:1 goes to Anthony, who impresses Bachelor Nation with his calm confidence and willingness to go with the flow.  Plus he's hot and JACKED.  Rachel and Anthony spend the day trotting around Rodeo Drive (literally---on horses) and shopping at overpriced stores, then letting a horse drop a deuce in a corny Beverly Hills tourist trap.  Nice work!  That night they get done up to enjoy drinks, conversation, and hand holding at a table overlooking the LA skyline.  Anthony wins our hearts with his thoughts about family, paying it forward, and his love for his parents and younger siblings. Rachel gives him a rose and then they sorta halfway dance/halfway stand around kissing in front of a jazz quartet that was very LA LA LAND.  (Did anyone else sorta hate that movie? I WANTED to love it but I just didn't).

Back at the house, Eric continues to unravel and for whatever reason, Iggy thinks he should chime in.  Eric is emotional and feeling insecure, so he makes a silly comment about Rachel's motives and the other guys will, no doubt, never let him hear the end of it.

The next day is a group date taken DIRECTLY from MY DREAMS, as it's a MUD WRESTLING tournament at a HONKEY TONK BAR.  Ummmm hello--I have picked my wedding venue!! Now I just need a charismatic man with a big belly please!!!

The boys who will be stripping down and wrasslin' are Brady (model), Dean (teeth), Adam (hot but #NeverForget Puppetgate), Kenny (this is his DREAM date even more than it's my dream date), Bryce (oh, you're still here? HOW?), Lee (you're too average and scrawny to have that much confidence, guy), Jack (dead weight), and Eric (feeling insecure is NEVER a good thing).

Rachel's besties, Raven, Corinne, Jasmine, and Alexis are joining the crew for the day and it's a rowdy bar scene!  A true "bottle blonde"lady (the bar owner?) runs the show and the dudes strip down and do some last minute push ups and screaming to get pumped up.  Kenny is FIRED UP and this honkey tonk bar is about to experience "the pretty boy pitbull."

action shots

Everyone does surprisingly well, even Jack, the wimpy looking lawyer who it as stunned as we are that he's even still on the show.  The ladies wear clear raincoats (I sorta love those) and drink and cheer as the mayhem goes down.  The final round is Kenny vs. Bryce and somehow Bryce wins, which Kenny handles gracefully.

If nothing else, I bet this is good for their pores?

While the guys "shower off" (they were using a frigging garden hose!), Rachel confers with her gals and everybody likes Dean.  Raven reports that both Lee and Bryce said that perhaps Eric isn't right for Rachel.

That night at Oak Canyon Ranch, Rachel rocks a lovely, heather grey dress and jacket (sometimes monochromatic looks can be SO great) and has great conversation with Kenny and Dean.  Adam falls flat and she seems to have ZERO connection with Jack.  Eric opens up to Rachel, saying that he has been running from his feeling his entire life, feels vulnerable and anxious about that.  Rachel listens thoughtfully and seems to have a lot of fondness for him, but she shoots him straight that 2 guys (and she names them--Lee and Bryce) said that Eric may not have pure motives and I gotta stop right here and say I am VERY ANNOYED that somehow the idea that Eric may not be right for Rachel has become "Eric has bad motives."  I don't think that's what anyone meant.

Eric sits down with the guys and immediately asks Lee and Bryce to fess up.  Bryce sort of admits that he said something but that it wasn't about motives, whereas Lee leans into it and claims that he talked shit because Eric has never been in love and is inexperienced in relationships.  Dude, Lee, WHAT DO YOU CARE?? RUN YOUR OWN RACE, JACKASS.  Buh.  At this point, Lee becomes SO patronizing and keeps saying to Eric "I love you to death" while also making him feel ashamed for not having more breakups in his past.  HUH?  Eric got really frustrated (understandably so) and sorta fell for Lee's manipulations.   Lee is a gaslighter and a manipulator and a pussy.  NO THANK YOU.

The next evening is the rose ceremony and the guys are dressed up and Rachel's sporting a sparkly, gold gown with a side part (change it up! Yes).  Eric chats with the guys and says that since he has a rose, he just wants to share good energy and peace and grace and it's very sweet of him--to be mindful that perhaps he should hang back.  Both Lee and Iggy talk to Rachel about their tiffs with Eric, which feels sort of unnecessary and even Rachel seems like she doesn't want to get into the drama.  Hell, she JUST had to handle the Blake vs. Lucas situation--who's a girl gotta fuck to just get HIT ON around here?  Save the drama for your mamma and gimme some cheap feels, boys!

Finally, Rachel seeks out Eric to discuss this issue and she assures him that she's genuine, she's not here to play games, but that her antennae are up and she's curious about why she KEEPS hearing his name.  Eric handles it well, then goes into the living room to address the issues again and ask Lee point blank, "why my name is in your mouth" (a phrase I sorta LOVE).  Lee is patronizing as ever, giving him the ridiculous, useless advice to simply focus on himself because "it's not about you" but I'm with Eric when he exclaims, "it IS about ME because MY NAME is in YOUR MOUTH."  Eric is exactly right and I wish that he would say to Lee, "hey, guy, you're SO obsessed with trying to paint me as a fraud ONLY because YOU are a fraud and you're here to be on TV ONLY and you are being rude to me and patronizing me, the when I react in an appropriate way to someone who is antagonizing me, you try to make ME seem like the bad guy!"

Next week dumbass psychopath Lee will learn that referring to black men as "too aggressive" and "too intense" is just like referring to women as "crazy" in that both moves used by shitty people trying to pathologize and undermine and shame others for having NORMAL emotions and responses.



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