Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Bachelorette Rachel Ep 5: 2 hours outta 4


Monday night was night 1 of a 2 night Bachelorette bender and we’re 2 hours down, 2 hours to go.  Phew.  I hate it when they double up on episodes this way (after a full day of work, I have another career to get to, Bachelor Producers! Or hell, maybe I want to hit the gym?) but I am at their mercy and a member of Bachelor Nation, so I tune in.

I must confess that I missed the first 30 minutes of Monday night’s episode, though.  I had a quick drinks date in the West Village (a first date is ALWAYS “a drink” or coffee—never give him more than 30 minutes of your time in case he turns out to be a weirdo ) and I got home at 8:30 BUT, recently my cable got all messed up (the apartment downstairs is being majorly renovated and they somehow disconnected all of our table/Wifi wires so a Time Warner technician had to come over, blah blah blah, boring story of the moronic crap that is everyday life) and all of our DVR settings were lost and I forgot that.  So I ZIPPED home from the West Village (well, traveled as fast as the MTA would take me), RAN to the bodega to buy some LaCroix (what else am I going to drink? Water like some kind of loser?), then got home and turned on the TV just as Jack Stone was being sent home.  Talk about tuning in at the LEAST SURPRISING moment in franchise history! I mean, how did this guy even make it this long?  I’m sure he’s nice and knows how to string a few words together, but dude was WAY out of his league here.  Bye bye, Jack Stone.

Then it’s Rose Ceremony prep time and, again, Rachel has pulled together a fantastic look: slinky black dress with a high cut thigh and that seam continues up, but is sealed with white flowers. I’m not doing it justice with this description, but it was sexy.  Also she rocked a very dark lip, bold eyes, hair down.  Because I was on my own date and missed some of the episode, I can only assume that I missed some standard tension in the house between Lee and Kenny, Iggy and everyone who isn’t a busybody tool. 

The men are done up and as they file into the rose ceremony (in South Carolina) Adam refers to Jack being sent home as a “wake up call.” REALLY? The guy who had NO SHOT from DAY ONE and was DEAD WEIGHT for 4 weeks is what makes you feel like, “oh man this is getting serious”? Ha.  To each his own, Adam (also, warning: YOU are dead weight, too. Ohhhh! Sick Burn, Me!).  Some dudes already have roses and I’m too lazy to look back at my recap from last week, but who scored them in this line-up?

-Eric (black guy, rocking a black suit and no tie, looking nice, also there were VERY few ties last night and I sorta liked it, I think?)
-Peter (white guy with the front tooth gap, grey-ish hair, dark suit and black shirt is fine, not amazing)
-Adam (white guy who arrived with a fucking MINI ME doll and I’ll never let him live it down. Also he appeared to be wearing a very casual chambray shirt beneath this grey suit—are you already running out of shirts, dude?)
-Will (black guy who is a CUTIE, nice black suit)
-Matt (white guy from CT who is a standout in a tie but still looks like he waxes his eyebrows a lil too much)
-Alex (built, white dude who is rocking a man bun because he has no access to a hairdresser, it seems)

Throughout this rose ceremony, we hear clips of Lee ripping on Kenny (“ballerina on steroids—I’ll pray for him”) and Kenny ripping on Lee (making a snake hand motion, “RIP Lee, let’s pour out a little liquor for Lee”).  Also with Lee’s attitude toward the black men in the house, you gotta wonder if he’s named after General Lee (and I’m talking about the actual leader of the Confederate Army, not the Dukes of Hazzard’s car).  But back to the roses…

-Josiah (black man lawyer who is playful and fun BUT later in the episode is taken down a notch)
-Anthony (black guy who is BUILT and rocking a patterned shirt, dark suit—great look)
-Kenny (black guy wrestler in light shirt, dark suit)
-Lee (white guy whose hair has more volume than EVEN MINE which is hard to pull off). 

So who is heading back to their hometowns to keep their mouths shut and probably be embarrassed when their local friends are like, “I have you in my Bachelorette pool as the WINNER!! Yessss! Can’t wait to hear about hometowns!”????

-Jonathan aka Tickle Monster who hugs Rachel goodbye and, in a grand finale of having ZERO sense of boundaries or bodily autonomy, he goes to hug Rachel goodbye and instead tickles her like crazy THEN makes a bunch of jokes about his “tickling hands.” Dude, that’s cute if your partner is into it, but you had BETTER make sure she’s OK with that. Hell, I don’t even TOUCH a person if I don’t know him or her.  I went on a date with a guy who gently touched the waitress to get her attention and I was just like, waaaah? No dice, dude. Motion to her, call for her, but you simply DO NOT TOUCH people who you don’t know. 

-Iggy who is looking handsome in a nice tan suit but he made that predictable mistake of focusing too much on house gossip, house dynamics and not enough on LOVE and RACHEL.  Bye, dude. I hope that in your next relationship you can focus on THE RELATIONSHIP. On his way out, Iggy say that he has learned more about himself in the last 4 weeks than he has in the previous 30 years which struck me as pretty sad. Has he NEVER been inspired to do a little bit of self-analysis? 

But enough of those boys—we’re whittling down the group, making a toast, and hopping on a plane to Oslo, Norway!!

It’s chilly in Oslo, Norway and Rachel rocks some great sweaters and scarves.  Since Bachelor Nation is a nation state within the boundaries of the United States of America, Bachelor producers give us a handy graphic of an AIRPLANE flying over the ATLANTIC OCEAN to NORWAY! MAPS! 

Rachel greets the guys at a local beer spot and scoops up Bryan (white dude sexy chiro) for a spontaneous 1:1 that will involve RIDING THE BUS!! Hell yes! Let’s do normal people date stuff and run some errands, ride the bus and deal with traffic, then maybe argue over whether we always go out with your friends or my friends!!  I want some reality in my reality TV!  Alas, The Bachelor won’t go THAT FAR, so instead Bryan and Rachel rappel down a 187 foot structure and make-out mid-rappel.  Rachel points out that 187 is the code for murder and the Bachelor producers are surprised to hear that, which surprised ME. Come on, guys! I don’t care how suburban and sheltered you are—didn’t you own the Dr. Dre masterwork THE CHRONIC at SOME POINT?

That night Bryan and Rachel are dressed up (Bryan in a shirt that doesn’t matter, Rachel in black pants and a black crop top with straps around her middle, it seemed, PLUS gold eyeshadow (YESSS), a big gold necklace or two, and awesome rings) and Rachel explains that in childhood/adolescence, her sister was the pretty one and she was the cool one, so she doesn’t quite know what to do with compliments and romatic attention from guys. 

RACHEL YOU ARE MY BESTIE!!  I relate to this SO hard.  I was SUCH an ugly duckling and such a little weirdo (pasty white, very skinny, VERY loud, very kookoo, wore a lot of HATS, ya know?) and it really became my own self-identity—I’m ugly.  Men don’t like me. Men ask me out as a joke—it’s not genuine attention. (Can you tell that I’m not seeing a therapist currently so instead I’m using this blog as therapy! Yikes! Thanks for reading! I’m spiraling!) Bryan reciprocates those sentiments, saying that he was a super thin, had acne, got no attention from girls, then closes with “I’m truly falling in love with you.”

WOA WOA WOA WE ARE 5 EPISODES IN!! This feels FAST to drop a bomb like that, doesn’t it?  Also, thanks for bearing with MY earlier bomb drop that I, like Bachelorette Rachel, don’t quite know what to do with male attention. 


Bryan and Rachel make out in front of a doorway that I can only assume is a pretty traditionally Norwegian doorway. 

Meanwhile the dudes at the house are reading the date card's message, "I'm looking for a guy who is good with his hands" which feels like a very subtle dig at Tickle Monster Jonathan (ha), and the group date crew will be Adam, Dean, Anthony, Peter, Matt, Alex, Eric, Josiah.  This means that the 2:1 will be Kenny and Lee (OR COURSE IT WILL BE) and likely result in Lee being hospitalized in Norway (hey, THEY have universal healthcare, so reconstructing his face will be FINE.  Mama sees a brand new eyeball socket in your future, Lee!).

The group date activity is a day of HANDBALL, a traditional European game that's a combination of football, basketball, and water polo that the American boys will be playing while wearing wrestling singlets, for no reason at all.   It looks like a bizarro game of Messy Backyard to me (remember that gym class delight?) and Peter is very handsy, Adam's weirdo Mini Me doll watches from the stands, and Will is actually good at the game.  

At the house, Kenny speaks to his daughter and gets solid advice from Bryan (be the bigger man, don't let Lee make you look bad) while Lee lifts weights and "reads" (a coffee table book).

At the group date afterparty, Rachel rocks a SHORT leather skirt, TALL, thigh high boots (hello!), a loose sweater, and her hair down, nice and smooth. Will talks about a breakup and lessons he learned (he did nothing wrong, couldn't have prevented it and I said "AMEN!" So much of dating and romance is just timing and if you're in the right headspace at the same time as the other person. Fortunately, I never align on that, so I get to keep this girlish figure that's fueled purely by heartbreak!). Alex (Man Bun) reads Rachel a letter he wrote to her, Matt gives her some sort of lyrics stitched onto a piece of purple velvet (Prince lyrics, maybe?), then Josiah gets taken down a peg and I give Rachel SO MUCH CREDIT.  Josiah was saying how his dad saw his mom and knew right away that they'd get marriage and he claims that is how he feels about Rachel, but Rachel isn't lapping up that charm. She says that he doesn't ask her questions about herself--he doesn't seem curious ABOUT HER and OMG haven't we all dated those guys?  Guys who NEVER ask you ANYTHING about yourself then seem flummoxed as to why they know SO LITTLE about you.  It's exhausting.  Josiah recovers nicely, but he'd better start asking her some damn questions or he won't be around much longer.

After that, Peter and Rachel have a STEAMY conversation in a hot tub that resembles a path tub on the hotel patio.  In interview footage Peter says "I want to be sure that she and I's relationship" and I nearly took a baseball bat to my TV.  PETER!  I'S is not a a thing!! Goodness gracious did you attend middle school?  It's "her and my relationship."  Doesn't the word "I's" feel weird even coming off your tongue?  It should!  It's wrong!  And last week you spit out "disingenuine."  Get it together, Peter!

A while later, Rachel and Peter rejoin the group (and Rachel must have had a straightening iron on hand because her hair STILL looks amazing even though she was just in a steamy tub!) and Rachel hands the date rose to WILL!! ZING on your face, Peter!! Haaa!  She's just using you for your body and gapped front teeth!



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