Thursday, December 12, 2013



We all know that on January 6th, a new season of the franchise that America loves to hate--The Bachelor--will come roaring back with Juan Pablo (who is apparently going by just "Juan" now) in the driver's seat of that train bound for glory (and if not "glory," at least an all expenses pair, televised wedding).  But what's more important than Juan and his harem of inevitably long haired ladies?

The fact that I will be back to doing my life's work--writing snarky, rock & roll trivia-filled recaps of every episode--but not on this blog.  No, sweet friends.  Selena's moving on up in the world.  Not moving up to the east side like the Jeffersons.  No, I'll be moving from my personal account here on blogger to Huff Post TV.

Yes, my phenomenal recaps will be read by even more Bachelor-addicted, wine-drinking jazzy cats who secretly wish that Chris Harrison would coach them after dates.  I'll post the links here just in case any blogger die-hards have a hard time finding their way over to Huff Post TV.

Check out a preview and listen to Juan's sexy accent here.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

One year ago

Hello amigos!

I've been slackin' on the bloggin' lately.  Sorry.  Mama's been out livin' life--you know how it goes. 

I can't believe that today is Halloween.  On Saturday night I was at a Halloween party (dressed up as a hella hot pin up sailor chick) and I was trying to remember what I had done for Halloween last year.  It took me a moment, but then I was like, "oh yeah, my roommates and I were holed up in our apartment dropping deuces in buckets because it was Hurricane Sandy."  We didn't actually drop deuces in buckets (which is more than I can say for pals I know who live in southern Manhattan) but we did go completely stir crazy and nearly kill each other. 

The subways closed down on Sunday evening before Sandy hit last year.  My apartment was pretty full because it was me and my 2 roommates, my roommate's devil cat Black Pussy, plus my roommate's friend who was visiting from Texas and got stranded in our apartment THE ENTIRE WEEK.  She was a super nice gal, but having ANYONE take up residence in your living room for a full week during which you are also trapped in your apartment is a lot to take.  

We were lucky and the whole time we had electricity, cable TV, running water and plenty of food.  What did we do all day Sunday through Thursday morning?  Watched a ton of TV, took a lot of naps, drank a bunch (I had a rule that I wouldn't permit myself to start drinking wine before 3pm), and putzed around in sweats.  I knew that I'd be housebound for a few days, so I had gone out just before the storm to buy paint for my bedroom.  I've never been more hated than I was in the pre-Sandy days at my local hardware store--it was hilarious.  While people were stocking up on batteries and plywood, I was checking out paint samples and asking about matte versus gloss.  Hey, I knew I'd have some time on my hands, so I bought everything I'd need to paint a wall in my bedroom.  It came out quite nice! 

One night, my roommate and I crossed the street to visit our local cop/fireman bar for the first time EVER and have some beers.  We had a nice chat with the bartender and drank crappy domestic beer out of styrofoam cups.  

Finally, on Thursday Bloomberg announced (in English AND Spanglish) that some of the subways would start running again and a LOT of shuttle busses would be moving people around.  I was going nuts in my apartment (again, my living room had become a bedroom to a visiting woman), so I was determined to try and get myself to my office in midtown.  It would be an adventure!  I woke up Thursday and dressed in comfortable clothes: sneakers, jeans, a tank top, a Poison baseball shirt (because if you can't wear a Poison shirt into the office during a natural disaster, when CAN you wear a Poison shirt into the office?  A question for the ages, truly), and my Farrah Fawcett-style vest.  I threw on my iPod and backpack and hit the streets.  I walked through my Brooklyn neighborhood to the Barclay's Center, where hundreds of people and about 5 busses were assembled.  It was a shit show and I can't be around large crowds without having an anxiety attack, so I just kept walking down Flatbush Avenue.  I had my music, it was a sunny day, and I was enjoying the start of this adventure.  I walked to the Manhattan Bridge and as I attempted to locate the pedestrian entrance (it's harder to find than you'd think--seriously)and thought about sticking out my thumb to hitch, a black woman drove up to me in a sedan and asked if I'd like a ride over the bridge.  There was a passenger minimum (3 people) and she had chatted with a cop who was willing to let her drive over with just 2.  I looked in her backseat and there was an empty car seat, plus an empty Dora the Explorer DVD case and I thought, "This lady CAN'T be an axe murderer."  So I hopped in.  I closed the door and put my backpack on the floor in front of me just as she remarked that I didn't look like an axe murderer.  We laughed and cruised easily over the Manhattan Bridge, chatting about what we had been through during the storm.  She pulled over on 3rd Avenue and 42nd Street and we wished each other well.  

I went into work for a few hours and ran into a co-worker who lived down on Wall Street.  She was in the 20th floor of a high rise and had had no electricity, no running water, no toilets or showers, and no cell service.  Needless to say, her few days out of work had been a nightmare, especially compared to mine ("I saw that movie 9-5 for the first time the other night and we made popcorn").

At 4:30, I started walking home because I didn't want to be walking alone in the darkness too late.  In Manhattan, south of 30th Street (or so), there was simply no power.  No street lights, no stop lights, no lights inside bars or stores.  So I wanted to walk while before sunset.  I made my way downtown and it was exciting.  Cops and army patrol guys (at least I think that's what they are?) were at almost every corner directing traffic and making sure nothing got crazy.  I really appreciated that and felt safe, despite the bizarre circumstances.  I walked by my friend Kevin's bar, McSwiggan's (2nd Ave and 23rd Street) and they were open--serving beer by flashlights and playing music from a battery operated speaker system.  I kept hustling, though.  Some restaurants were selling food and drinks out of their front doors, since their  dining rooms were too dark to actually seat anyone.  Chinatown and Little Italy were absolutely bizarre.  I walked down Mulberry Street (the heart of Little Italy) and it was empty and silent.  Same with Chinatown.  I wanted to stop and take photos, but I was scared that I was losing light so I just kept on walking.  I made it to the Brooklyn Bridge and walked over among what felt like a large crowd.  I got to the other side and walked to a restaurant in Cobble Hill where a bunch of Brooklyn-based coworkers had planned a dinner.  It was quite a scene: I shared my story of hitchhiking into the office and others shared tales of 5 days of straight solitude.    

It was a really strange week overall and I loved how much everyone remained calm and worked together.  The day that the lights came on in lower Manhattan was like a wonderful Christmas.  People were gleeful at just seeing streetlights--it was very sweet.

Happy Halloween! 

Friday, September 6, 2013

Coupla sad water songs

One of my favorite songs by Tori Amos is "Pick Out Your Cloud" which is a break up song that is sad and sweet.   In the lyrics, Amos explores the separation by using two raindrops getting a divorce ("If the rain has to separate from it self / does it say, 'pick out your cloud?'").  I was just listening to an Alabama Shakes Pandora station and an Otis Redding song came on that I'm not familiar with.  I love me some Otis Redding but this was a new one to me, "You Don't Miss Your Water." So many water-themed break-up songs out there!  I love both of these.  Here they are--

Tori Amos:

Otis Redding:

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

RISK! Storytelling Show

Hi pals!

After the close of Desiree's season of The Bachelorette, my life lost all meaning (cause I had no more snarky recaps to write) and I didn't have the heart to blog.  So I spent my free time chilling at the beach, drinking fresh brews, and working on my biceps.  But now I'm back here on the 'ole blog and tanner than ever!

Today I want to share a story that I told at a live RISK! show in June of this year at The PIT in NYC.  RISK! is a wonderful storytelling show and podcast that is hosted by the brilliant Kevin Allison (alum of that killer sketch show The State).  Kevin and his team (JC, Michelle) are amazing and they produce a phenomenal live show and then take many of those recordings and craft them into a brilliant podcast.   I'm in this week's episode (along with some other amazing storytellers and musicians) and I couldn't be prouder.  Take a listen here.  I'm the last story.

Hope you're having a great summer! xoxo

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Bachelorette Desiree: Finale Recap

Last night, America endured 3 hours of UNPRECEDENTED Bachelorette madness and the finale included everything we love: long, tear-stained walks through the jungle, belly tops, and KISSING!

The episode started off with Chris Harrison in a studio filled with shrieking Bach fans (what he would call residents of "Bachelor Nation") and our fearless host set the scene: the last time we saw Des, she was wearing a belly top and weeping on the end of a pier in Antigua.  Then it cut back to Desiree in paradise talking about the Brooks break-up.  Desiree rocks a peach dress with turquoise necklace and stares off at either the Caribbean Sea or the Atlantic Ocean, depending on which direction she was facing (though I'd be surprised if Des could see ANYTHING from beneath her fake eyelashes).  She's still upset and says that it broke her heart that Brooks doesn't love her.  In walks my new favorite therapist, Chris Harrison, and they sit down for a chat.  Des holds it together until Chris asks her how she's doing, when she starts crying HARD.  Ever the gentleman, Chris stays quiet and lets her cry it out (much like my favorite interventionist from A&E's "Intervention," Jeff VanVonderen.  Rest in Peace, Intervention!  There's a whole lot of people who love you like crazy, to quote JVV).  Chris wisely points out that Des is upset about rejection from by the ONLY guy who held back from her (seriously, Chris Harrison: if you're reading this, you must pursue a life of doling out gentle tough love to women who like a-holes. I'll be your first client!).  Des continues with the histrionics, saying that she wants to go home, but within a few minutes she has composed herself and she's ready to move forward.  PHEW!  Man oh man, that 30 seconds of super weepy Des footage was used EVERYWHERE in ads for this season!  And it was over in a moment!

Since Bach is all about formal ceremonies, there WILL be a rose ceremony that day, with 2 roses to hand out and 2 guys showing up.  I'm no mathematician, but I think that those are some good odds!  There must be something in the water in Antigua, because when Drew and Chris arrive to the rose ceremony they are both looking HOT (maybe it's the suit-no-tie casual look at they both rocked?).  The boys line up and Des explains to them that Brooks left of his own volition, then she starts crying.  She pulls an Ashley and says that she'll be handing out these two roses, but that if the guys don't want to be there "let me know!"  (Why is it that in EVERY Bachelorette season, there's a sense of "thank you for being here--do you really like me?" when in Bachelor seasons, the feeling is always "you're lucky to be here--I'm the decider" ya know? We'll need to go back to Women's Studies 101 to tackle that issue, I know.)   So they have the most awkward, overly formal 3 person rose ceremony of all time and--shocker--Drew & Chris both get roses.

Then we are subjected to so much in-studio time wasting.  I don't give a rat's ass what these random seat fillers think of all this!  What is this, an episode of Donahue!? Get me back to paradise and let the tears FLOW!

Soon we're back in Antigua and Des is getting dressed in a bikini top, then belly top.  You know what goes great with a belly top? UNRELENTING TEARS.  Put that one in your back pocket, pussycats.  Des mounts a horse and meets up with Drew (who is wearing regrettable purple shorts) so that they can ride horses down to the beach and look like the cover of a harlequin romance novel.  They get to the beach, sit down for drinks, and in a move that seemed SUPER forced (maybe because he could sense Des pulling away), Drew overdoes it with a toast, saying, "to being madly in love and wanting to be nowhere else." Des then drops the words that NO ONE EVER wants to hear, "I need to talk to you..." and then gurl gets a little harsh, adding, "especially after that."  OUCH!  Poor man's Katie Holmes is about to drop Drew like the real Katie Holmes dropped T. Cruise!  (Only with fewer lawyers and no high heel wearing children involved.)  I can speak for Bachelor Nation when I say that we were all BLINDSIDED by this development (and that we should probably secure our borders, recruit an army, develop a national currency--things that any nation must do).  Des starts crying again, saying that she'd be so lucky to have Drew in her life and she feels like something is missing with him.  Drew stoically takes it all in (like a true 1950s leading man) and responds with such grace and humility, saying that Desiree doesn't have to apologize for not being in love with him.  Aww Drew!  You are GOOD at getting dumped and I'm sorry for that, sweetheart!  Ever the strong man, Drew hugs her goodbye then walks away.  He says that he's crushed, confused and now he'll have to start over. Goodbye, sweet pussycat.

The next day, Des and Chris have a date, but Chris Harrison wants us to think that Des might dump him, too, because this shiz is unprecedented and ALL BETS ARE OFF!  Desiree rocks a bikini top and flowing skirt (good look) and meets Chris for a day of kissing and canoodling on a catamaran (I hate myself for writing that, but it just flowed out of me).  Des says that her feelings were "clouded" because of Brooks, but I think what she means to say is that her first pick isn't there anymore, so congrats Chris--you're getting pulled up from the JV squad and getting put in the game as a starter!  Hope you don't mind wearing the old guy's mouthguard & uniform and accepting the nickname "Sloppy Seconds" (too harsh?).  I'll admit that Chris and Desiree are goofy and light, whereas Drew and Des were a bit more serious and earnest.  That night they make a bunch of candle lit toasts (the jist of which are: Chris thinks he's still in a contest against another guy; Desiree trusts that everything happens for a reason and she got the Heisman from Brooks so that she could notice the guy right under her nose (whose father picks his nose--aww snap we're in some patented Selena double parens! I feel so safe here in this double-walled cocoon!)).  Chris says that he wants to meet Desiree's family and I can only guess that he's ignorant of Desiree's loose cannon, mildly special brother who has hand tats.  Wait 'till ya meet the family--you might change your mind about all this love stuff, buddy!

Back in the studio (snooze), former Bachelor rejects (oh I mean ALUMS), Jackie, Lesley, and Lindsey from last season are there to speak as Desiree's "friends" and, in a SUPER awkward setup, across the aisle from them sit Sean (their shared ex-BF) & Catherine (his chosen one)!  This is more awkward than attending the wedding of a guy you made out with in college (haven't we ALL been there at least once or thrice?).  They weigh in on what's happening (who cares) and the only important stuff is this: Lesley is an AWESOME gal, but she is wearing a horrible white, underwire top thing that looks like doooog shiiiiit on her (that one's for you, Katie Compa) and since Lindsay got dumped HARD by Sean (she was in the friggin' top TWO!), she has dyed her hair dark brown and gotten really into eyebrow pencil.  We all heal in different ways.

Back in Antigua, Chris meets Desiree's sweet parents and psychopath brother.  As soon as he sits down, Nate (crazy bro) starts grilling Chris, asking why Des should choose him, what his first impression of Desiree was, if he felt insecure about the other guys, etc.  Chris and Desiree's dad have some 1:1 time, during which Chris asks for permission to propose to Desiree and they shake and hug on it.    The next day, Chris sits down with Neil Lane to select the most romantic of depreciating assets: A diamond engagement ring (this phenomenon that is uniquely American and started only in the late 1930s. Read more here and here if you like.)  Chris shows that he's feeling anxious and LOVES hyperbole by saying that he's in "uncharted waters and the water is cold."  Also, are there sharks?  Because it's SHARK WEEK, MOTHER F-ER!!!!

Finally, Desiree is putting on a gorgeous peach dress (mermaid style with sheer overlay pulled over one shoulder--perfection) and she's ready for SOMETHING.  ABC keeps teasing us with clips of her saying "I don't know what I'm going to do" but GIVE ME A BREAK, Bach.  As if she's going to walk away from all this and create an OKCupid account.  She's getting engaged come hell, high water, or crazy brother.  Desiree takes her mark on a cliffside structure and Chris arrives with ring in box in hand.  They come together and Chris starts talking first, which seemed like an immediate mistake, but whatevs. He talks through all of their happy memories and travels and drops the worst romantic cliche in the world, "you make me want to be a better person." (Seriously, where did that one come from?  It's SO overused and if its origin is from "Jerry McGuire" I might lose my mind because I hate T. Cruise--can you tell?)  He goes to get down on one knee, but Desiree stops him! Aww snap kid, you think you're getting NEGGED!  Hold back the tears!

She explains the curve ball, saying how upset she was when Brooks left, that she already sent Drew home, and that Chris was the only guy who met her family.  She says that she was so blindsided by Brooks that she couldn't see how great Chris is (which is nice, I guess... but also feels a lil like a speech for a 2nd banana).  Des finally says "I love you," they kiss, and then he gets down on his knee and proposes to her.  We get a SWEEPING crane shot (and as I told my Twitter peeps, EVERY engagement looks beautiful when shown by sweeping crane shot, am I right? Follow me at @SelenaCoppock. I'm more shameless than that song by Garth Brooks!) then Des doe a final rose ceremony, plus we watch a montage of their dates.

BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE!!  I know, I know--I was like, "UNCLE! I give up! You guys are in love! I can't handle it anymore!" but Chris Harrison wouldn't relent.  ABC sent us straight into the After the Final Rose episode even though we were overstuffed already.

Des comes out in a sparkly, white dress and chats with Chris Harrison about her journey.  Chris asks her how she got through the heartbreak and my roommate and I screamed, "she was going to marry SOMEBODY!"  Truth.  Des admits that she liked the chase of Brooks (spoken like a 10th grade girl) and he comes out in a plaid suit with shorter hair, a short beard, and a tie pin.  (Honestly, we saw MAD TIE PINS this season!  Those things are making a comeback and mama likes it!)  Brooks continues to be boring and unemotional and congratulates Desiree on her engagement news.

Next, Drew comes out in a blue, 3 piece suit and he asks if he could have done anything differently.  He's as sweet and pragmatic as always, saying that love has to be mutual and that he fell in love with Des, it changed his life, and he has no hard feelings.  Such a class act.

Last but not least, Chris comes out (in a suit and TIE PIN) and we watch Des and Chris watch their own proposal (holy self indulgence, Batman!).  Then Chris gives Desiree a poem titled "My Girl" that is framed by dried rose petals (from their ceremonies) and is terrible.

But Chris Harrison knows what Bachelor Nation wants (a democratically elected president?): TO KNOW WHO THE NEXT BACHELOR WILL BE!  Yes, the televised romance train must keep on moving and consume my life for another 3 months.  Who will be making potential mates cry next season?  JUAN PABLO!  I gotta admit I love this pick--he's humble, from Venezuela (so he's hot, obvs), easygoing, and a single father to a delightful daughter.  The fact that Bach producers picked Juan Pablo as their next Bachelor (and not smarmy, ambitious wanna-be Bachelors like Ben or James) shows that picking the Bach is just like sorority rush: if you want it too badly and push too hard, you won't get it.

What did you guys think of last night's finale, dear readers? Share in the comments!

Monday, August 5, 2013

In non-Bachelorette news....

My Emmy nominated brother-in-law, Bobby Mort, is hilarious (as is my other brother-in-law Jon).  Check out Bobby's latest hilarious brilliance in this video:

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Bachelorette Desiree: And Then There Were Three (Recap)

Last night, Chris Harrison FINALLY stopped his lying, boy-who-cried-wolf ways and we experienced something that was truly UNPRECEDENTED in Bachelorette/Bachelor franchise history.  What happened?  You'll soon find out, sweet pussycat.

The episode started off with Desiree at the bow of a boat sailing around Antigua with her voiceover blathering on about the fairy tale angle.  Yeah, that fairy tale where producers pull strings and force emotions and all of America watches and cringes--you know that 'ole story!  A classic just like Beauty & the Beast (or wait... is Desiree's fairy tale that one? Cause I gotta say Brooks is completely NON-hot).  Desiree super casually name-drops the exact name of the Antiguan resort, then walks to the dock where she appears to read a Bible.  We see a montage of Desiree's history with the three remaining suitors (because apparently ABC doesn't trust Americans to retain ANYTHING from the last 9 weeks of episodes).  The run-down is pretty much:

CHRIS: Des likes his nice body and poetry and says "I love his awkwardness."  Not the most "hot for you" thing to say about a potential mate.
DREW: His body is frigging INSANE.  Dude has a friggin' 10-12 pack and a face like an extra from "Happy Days" plus he's super sweet with his developmentally disabled sister. IT'S ALMOST TOO MUCH!
BROOKS: They don't grow 'em more witholding and seemingly disinterested than Brooks.  To add insult to injury (or whatever), dude speaks in a whisper.  Blech.  

The first 1:1 date in Antigua is with Drew and he admits that he "didn't even know this place existed!" Oh, do they not cover Caribbean geography in your 1950s high school?  Just a whole lotta pep rallys and homecoming dances there, Drew?  Des & Drew (or as I call 'em: D&D--shitty dynamite) hop in an open top Jeep (and Des tells Drew that he has to drive because Desiree's lady brain would probably get them lots on the island, right?) and drive to a "festival" (which looked a lot like a bunch of paid extras, random crew members, and some local junk merchants) where they shop, awkwardly limbo, and enjoy steel drum music.  Then they head to a cliff where they eat pineapple and Drew says that the day Desiree met his family was the happiest day of his life (wowza--dude--THAT was the happiest day of your life?  Umm... have you never left your hometown with two middle fingers in the air while reciting the lyrics to Pearl Jam's "Leash"?  Just me? I guess that Drew and I have different definitions of happiness).

That night, their romantic, beachside dinner is rained out, but that doesn't stop them from a quick, rainy make out, just like that song from Billie Myers (1997, what what!) and while D and D play tonsil hockey (NO PADS OR HELMETS! HUH?), the producers scramble to set up a romantic Plan B setting.  Apparently,  to the set designers at Bach Headquarters "romance" means a whole lotta bright throw pillows and table runners.  Desiree and Drew chat by candle light and Drew says that he's ready to propose.  D&D both play their roles in the predictable tradition of the legendary FANTASY SUITE NOTE (ostensibly from Chris Harrison, which is pretty damn creepy) with the standard language "should you choose to forego your individual rooms blah blah blah fantasy suite."  Both act surprised and intrigued by this prospect (despite the fact that they could have recited that text without so much as opening the envelope) and retire to the bedroom, where Drew says, "all right guys, time to leave," and we're reminded that their make-out sessions are witnessed and taped by a crew of people.

Meanwhile, Brooks is whispering (the only way he knows how to talk--LEARN SOME ALEXANDER TECHNIQUE BEFOR YOU RUIN YOUR VOICE, KID!) about how he's not quite ready to tell Des that he loves her and he feels torn.  He flies to Boise, Idaho where his family owns yet ANOTHER McMansion, and talks to his mom and sister about his mixed feelings.  Brooks explains that he's uncomfortable with the idea of proposing to her and mom/sister push him to end things completely.  They both seem pleased that he's not going through with it.  So off he flies to Antigua to dump a girl on television (and you thought it was a schlep to travel to a local bar and dump your ex!).

But first, Chris and Desiree have a 1:1 date and Des makes the greatest fashion faux pas of the season (and perhaps her life).  Words won't do this justice, so I captured the monstrosity on my phone for you, dear readers.

Now, to play devil's advocate for a moment (although I LOATHE people who play Devil's advocate generally.  They're just argumentative contrarians who want to prove you wrong), perhaps Des got a little overexcited about her tropical getaway and bought this fringed vest there on location.  I did that once in Vegas (because you can pack your skimpiest dresses for a trip to Vegas, but you get there and suddenly the dress that was sexy at home looks like a nun's habit under the bright lights of the Vegas strip) when I bought a SUPER SLINKY dress (by Vegas standards, which means it's little more than a bikini to be worn out at night) from bebe that I have worn a grand total of once (that time in Vegas).  So perhaps that's what Desiree went through with this vest.  Either way, it's hella busted.

Des and Chris have a fun date, despite her tragic vest.  They make out on the beach ("From Here to Eternity" style), swim, stand on some rocks, write their names in the sand, and Chris describes his love for Des using Savage Garden lyrics.  That night, they have a romantic dinner and talk about their future while some loud, high pitched shrieks happen in the background (local animals? kids on swings for hours? crying dogs?).  Des asks about where they'd live at the end of all this and Chris manages to sound flexible while essentially saying that in the future he'll be staying in Seattle, thank you very much.  Then the fantasy suite card appears with its standard text and Chris says that he'd love to watch the stars with Des (that aint the only thing you'll be watching HAAAAAAAY!), so they retire to said suite.  The suite is decorated with a lot of candles and familiar looking pillows (that are probably covered in Drew's DNA from the previous night).  Chris breaks out a fresh poem (OF COURSE) about how he's excited for forever with Des.  Soon they're back in their swimsuits, making out poolside while that damn squeaking noise drones on.  ROMANCE!

Finally, it's the day that WE know will be the day of reckoning, but Des does not.  Poor girl is just rocking some white jean shorts, a belly top, and a big grin.  Oh gurl, as my viewing pal Julia Johns (@juliaguli8) said "your belly AND your heart are about to be exposed."  Aww snap! Truth!  But before Brooks can crush Desiree's dreams, he's gotta get through a round of conversation with armchair therapist Chris Harrison.

Brooks and Chris sit down and Chris pulls out all the stops: are you SURE that you're not in love?  Do you think that some alone time in the fantasy suite would give you a chance to ask any outstanding questions you might have?  Have you ever been in love before?  Brooks answers the questions with his patented bizarre perspective and whisper talk.  He says that his head tells him that this is the end with Desiree, but his heart doesn't (huh?).  He says that knows how love feels and to him it feels like pain and vulnerability (huh?) and that's not how he feels with Des.  And he drops the line that everyone in the world is tired of: "I love her, but I'm not IN LOVE with her."  Oh shut up.  Did you hear that line in a romantic comedy and tuck it away for when you might need it?  Because it's moronic.

Finally, Desiree and Brooks meet up and girl is GLOWING.  Brooks is, understandably, freaking out and he immediately guides her to a bench at the end of a long dock (DON'T JUMP, DES! Brooks is a tool and not worth it.)  It's hard to watch her go from ELATED to see him, to confused about what is going on, to heartbroken.  If Desiree's psychotic, tatted-up brother were there, Brooks would have been beaten to a bloody pulp within moments. Brooks draws it out and talks in circles like the chickenshit pussface that he is.  Poor Des sits there and listens, like an inverse poor man's Katie Holmes (cause ya know how Katie pulled some NINJA moves to drop her alien  husband T. Cruise).  Finally, she curls up in a ball and starts crying HARD, asks him, "why now?" and then says, "I don't care that you just broke my heart--I love you." Oh girl.  Don't tell this guy ANYTHING good.  Just WALK AWAY.  They sit on the bench and marinate on things for FAR too long.  (If I were Des, I'd be like, "I wasted the cutest daytime outfit of the whole episode on THIS?  You can hardly even see my sick abs cause I'm curled up in this ball of heartbreak!")  Finally, they get up so that Brooks can go back to his freakishly large family in Utah.  They hug in the driveway and Brooks tries to console Desiree, but as I learned with my ex from 2008 (whose "career" is something I check on occasionally to make sure it's still there, stalled at the side of the road), HE can't help you get over HIM.  Walk away.  FINALLY Desiree does and Brooks does, too.  He has an emotional tantrum in the jungle and Des sits on the end of the dock and bawls.

AND THAT IS WHERE THEY LEFT US.  I gotta hand it to Chris Harrison: that shiz was UNPRECEDENTED!  Next week we have another great performance by Desiree's waterproof mascara and everyone's favorite unlicensed shrink, Chris Harrison.

Des, this one's for you:

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Bachelorette Desiree: Men Tell All Recap

Monday night was the standard episode that is always "Bachelor Nation's FAVORITE episode" (if you believe Chris Harrison) or "an episode that is usually pretty fun" (if you believe everyone else in the world): THE MEN TELL ALL!

As a (less than) proud member of Bachelor Nation (#TheWorst), I tuned in to see if the "Tell All" episode was like every "Tell All" episode before it and yes, it was, in that every guy was tan, trim, and well-coiffed; there were some not-so-familiar faces (even Chunky Swayze zinged Jonathan for being one of those forgettable losers); and some smug mugs that we'd rather forget (sociopath father Ben, to be specific).

But the REAL winner in last night's episode?  The overly expressive audience.  Those ladies were working HARD for their $100 extra stipend and flexing those facial muscles with wild abandon.  They captured every expression: disappointment (at James' "explanation" of why he's not ashamed to be a fame whore), shock (at Ben's insistence that he was "sooo judged!"), and elated (at every G-D word out of Juan Pablo's mouth).  Check out this lady below, she is noooot believing a word she is hearing!!

And look at these gals below: the one on the left is about to sneeze (an allergic reaction to how much Zak W. suuuucks and is a corny assed cheesedick) and the one on the right is a spooky psychopath who knows that Ben's baby mama bumped into Dan (I know, who the EFF is THAT guy? Oh, the one who looks like a Ken doll with dark hair and works in beverage distribution? WHATEVZZZZ!!) in Vegas and spilled mad beans about the fact that Ben had a friggity whack girlfriend when he got the baby mama pregnant! Snaaaaaap! 

But seriously, folks (OMG don't you hate it when old timey standups use that as a transitional phrase? I DO!), there was some drama last night and, as usual, Chris Harrison had some fantastic punchlines. 

At the start of the episode, Desiree and Chris crashed some Bachelor viewing parties and we learned an important lesson: that EVERYONE in America watches The Bachelorette while drinking wine out of extra large goblets that look like props from Cougartown (SUCH an underrated show!).  For their NYC-based party crashing they were joined by Bach alums Ashley and JP, Jason and Molly (and their baby), and Trista.  What a community that Bachelor franchise is!  It's like the least exclusive Country Club in America.  Desiree says that she loves seeing that all of these people are watching the show and "rooting for her."  Oh gurl, we're not rooting for you so much as laughing at the idiotic dudes.  

Then Desiree sits down for some girl talk (and period-synching) with her BFFs Ashley, Ali, and Emily.  Because being on The Bach is like joining Scientology: YOU MAY ONLY BE FRIENDS WITH FELLOW BELIEVERS!!  Ali's hair looks grey (get some warmer tones in your weave, gurl), Emily's hair is sweet perfection (of course), and Ashley barely says a word (and has brown hair, poor thing).  

Finally, it's time to trot out the rejects and hope that America remembers them/gives a rat's ass.  Who's in the studio?  

Robert (spin sign inventor/tool), Dan (dark haired Ken doll who apparently roams around Vegas talking to the exes of other Bach rejects), Nick (has a mole and that's all she wrote), Brad (had a kid and a restraining order taken out on him BUT JUST GIVE HIM A CHANCE!), Jonathan (lawyer who was super drunk and creepy on that first night), Bryden (Iraq War vet who doesn't look as hot as he seemed before), Brandon (guy who was really intense and had major family problems--but his hair is longer now!), Will (Chicago banker who should link up with Mikey and James for some Bach Chicagoland domination), Zack K. (Chuck Taylors), James (The Don), Ben (a father and a Christian who never called his son during the show and didn't attend church on Easter--I've been listening to too much Chunky Swayze and it's turning me all LAWYERY!), Mikey T. (who looks HOT and is wearing NO SOCKS!), Juan Pablo (who has a cheering section in the audience), Kasey (#OMGIhateyou), Michael G. (Chunky Swayze who seems to have grown bushier eyebrows while recovering from his broken heart), and Zak W. (whose entire existence feels like a joke).  

Everyone in the studio watches a montage of clips that summarize the season: James saying "F you" to a line-up of guys ("spraying the room" as Chris Harrison put it), Ben being creepy and lying to every guy while wearing a ridiculous tank top, Zak being overly bronzed and shirtless, general smack-talk.  There is nothing more enjoyable than witnessing a guy call another guy a "piece of shit" in a montage that they are both watching while seated right near each other.  It's truly delightful.  

Bryan (the guy who isn't even very hot and had a girlfriend while he was on the show) opted not to attend the taping, so the guys run roughshod over him and Chris Harrison encourages it.  Awesome. 

Ben is the first guy to get in the hot seat and Chris says that things started off so well (when he first emerged from the limo with his sweet son), but then "after night 1, everything went downhill."  I love that Chris said, in so many words, that the minute Ben opened his mouth, he was doomed.  TRUTH!  Ben says that it was really hard for him to watch his "girlfriend" date other men (umm... that's a shared experience by everyone in the house, moron--you're NOT special) and that he feels judged.  Maybe because you judged ALL of the other guys as unworthy of your friendship or respect on day 1, Ben.  Ben bangs the drum of being a good father and Zak shuts him up by saying that Ben NEVER mentioned his son, while Juan Pablo mentioned his daughter all the time.  SHUT IT, Dixieland American Psycho!  

Up next, James (The Don) attempts to convince Bachelor Nation (I'm trapped within its grasp!) that he really cared about Desiree, despite the fact that I bet if you asked him for his favorite thing about her, he's say, "ummmm... brown hair?"  Chris grills him about the alleged "If I make it to the top 4, I could be the next Bachelor" comment and he seems to blame Mikey for it (is there trouble within their sockless crew?).  Mikey chimes in and explains that they weren't plotting anything--they simply felt that Desiree liked other types of guys better (seems to be true) and they were accepting that perhaps she didn't like them, and what would come next.  Mikey explains himself well and James continues to look like a scheming a-hole.  This was when we saw some SHOCKED faces from the crowd.  (Ladies in the audience: you're SHOCKED that two jacked, conventionally handsome guys are insufferable jerks? Have you ever been to a bar on a Saturday night?)

Then Juan Pablo gets in the hot seat where he charms the pants off of America (ferreal) with his friendly demeanor, confidence, and good looks.  Do I smell an international soccer star Bachelor up next?  

Then, it's the moment that none of us have been waiting for: Zak W's time in the hot seat.  He looks exhausted and like he has been clocking extra hours at the spray tan salon.  But I'll admit, he makes some very relatable, heart-wrenching comments about being single when most of your peer group is not.  Come on Zak--don't make me feel bad about mercilessly mocking you for all these weeks!  It's what I DO! 

Finally, Desiree comes out in a cute, gold dress and faces her reject harem.  Chris Harrison asks her if she had any "nerves" and she says no, she had anxiety about this event. GURL. Those are the same thing. You are an idiot, but that dress DOES look great on you.  Chris makes a comment about "bad boys" to which Des replies, "whatcha gonna do?" and Chris gives her NOTHING because he's NOT a fan of Inner Circle (yes, that's the name of the wordsmith's who crafted those genius lyrics) or outdated jokes.  A flood of apologies commence: Jonathan apologizes for being a creep on the first night; Chunky Swayze admits that he played the lawyer card too intensely.  Desiree says that James manipulated her and James make a comment that effectively breaks the first rule of Reality TV Club: don't talk about reality TV club!  Juan Pablo asks her why he never got a 1:1 date and then winks at her (#swoon #NoSnark #ICanBeGenuineOccasionally).  And what episode would be complete without Zak making an ass of himself?  He says, "I think I have something to say..." then pulls out his guitar and plays a song he wrote. Oh Zak, you were the guy who knew Dave Matthews Band songs on the guitar in college, weren't you?  The guy who was like, "ladies LOVE it when I sing to them" while everyone was actually mocking you privately.  Have your swan song and get back to the oil fields, buddy. 

And before we knew it (120 long minutes later), the episode was over with Chris Harrison's promise that next week will be the MOST emotionally intense Bachelorette finale EVER!  I can't decide if the producers are messing with us (and making it seem like something goes VERY wrong at the end) or if it's just tricky editing and things will play out in a pretty standard way (with Des rejecting the first guy to arrive at the proposal site then, choosing the most boring guy--likely Brooks--and breaking up with him within months, then entering into a life of D list "celebrity" status).  We'll find out soon!   

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Bachelorette Desiree: Episode 8 Recap


I have been a real jerk lately, I know.  I had a string of a whole lotta shows then I went upstate on vacation and somehow my beloved Bach recaps got lost in the fray.  I'm sorry, sweet pussycats.  (But in lighter news, my vacation was DOPE and I drank dollar beers in a VFW hall where the only rules are: yes, you can smoke indoors, but no, you cannot drop the F bomb. Cool by me!)  It's especially bad timing right now, when we're in the home stretch!  But I'm finally all caught up and ready to talk smack and make metaphors-a-plenty.

First off, Chunky Swayze had a tearful goodbye in the close of the episode before last.  I was sad to see him go, but he and Des never seemed to have a romantic connection, ya know?  And when your first 1:1 date is in the final 5, you just haven't laid enough groundwork for this TV relationship to thrive.  (My vast knowledge of Bach timing and development is both inspiring and pathetic.)

So on Monday's episode, we were down to 4 suitors remaining: Zak (SWEET LORD, WHEN WILL THIS ELABORATE JOKE END?), Drew (they grow 'em real clean cut and earnest in Scottsdale), Chris (he writes lame poetry but he used to play pro ball, so his coolness factor is back to 0), and Brooks (who needs to speak like a grown adult).  Desiree is ready to criss-cross the country like a 90s child rap group wearing jeans backwards cause it's "HOMETOWNS."  Does anyone else find it gross that "Hometowns" has entered the popular vernacular and it always means Bachelor franchise-related hometown visits? I love to hate this show, but nonetheless: barf.

Desiree's first trip is to Dallas, TX where Zak, his abs, and his family's shaved iced business is located (you can't make this stuff up).  Zak says, "if people think I'm crazy--wait 'till they see my crazy family" and his family (aka Zak Attack) does not disappoint.  Before family time, Des and Zak meet up in a local gazebo (what would Bach DO without small town gazebos?), hop in the 'ole family shaved ice truck, and work a quick shift at a park.  Sweet date!  Chipping ice and handing it to screaming children while you (probably) don't even make minimum wage!  I keep getting taken on these dates that just involve free dinner, free drinks, and street-side kisses, but I just wish someone would dress up in a penguin suit and cart me around in a shaved ice truck!  Finally, Des and Zak head over to Zak's parents' McMansion (what would Bach DO without McMansions?) where they sit down for lunch with Zak's parents, sister Carly (nice hair, gurl!), and brother Denton.  After dinner, the family serenades Desiree with a song that Zak wrote (HOLY DUMB CHILLS!) with the lyrics, "Desiree, we can see your place in our family."  As if that isn't bad enough, Zak then takes Des into the backyard where he gives her a promise ring and drops the L bomb. Lawdy lawdy it was intense.  I'd like to share a saying (that I just thought of) with Zak: Sometimes when you pull out all the stops, you just get STOPPED.  (YOU'RE WELCOME, readers! Feel free to use that, but please mail me a dime every time you do.)

Next stop on this hometown visit thrill ride: Scottsdale, AZ to meet Drew's family.  Drew is looking hot and he meets Desiree, then they drive to his mentally handicapped sister's residence to pick her up for the visit. I may have a heart made of stone and a sharp tongue, but watching Drew talk about and interact with his sister Melissa had me in tears.  Later, Melissa's father referred to her as an angel and I was WEEPING (and it wasn't because of the white wine I was drinking and PMS I was experiencing--and am still experiencing, UNIVERSE!).  Melissa swatted at Desiree's hair, which cracked me up ("she likes hair" -Drew) then the trio drove to Drew's mother's house to meet up with Drew's dad Mal, mom Linda, stepfather, sister, her husband, and brother Mal (that family sure loves the name Mal, huh? Did they invent Malware? That joke's for you, NERDS!).  Drew's mother's house was decorated in a style that you might call "Dream Catcher Overload" but she seems lovely.  Both of Drew's parents love Desiree and think she's very down-to-earth and real (which she truly seems) and Drew tells them that he wants to marry her.  That night after dinner, Des and Drew make-out in the driveway (sweet, suburban times) and he tells her that he loves her three times.  A hattrick of unrequited admissions of love!

But the High Hopes Express has gotta chug along and the next stop is McMinnville, Oregon where Chris grew up and still gets his snots pulled out by his father.  But before Chris's father can give his son a "nose adjustment" (looks more like pulling snot like you do on a baby, but you can call it whatever you like) and adjust Desiree's back, there's softball to be played and softball-themed puns to be made!  Desiree and Chris suit up in baseball shirts, hats, and eye black (which was REALLY important cause the day was grey and overcast) then bat at a ball while repeatedly saying things like, "you're a catch!" and "Chris is stealing my heart." I couldn't keep up with all of them over the sound/movement of dousing my own eyeballs with Sriracha, but you get the gist.  Chris's mother rocks a pretty bold, stacked bob and spills the beans that Chris was hoping Desiree would be the bachelorette.  As I told my pal Emily when she shared a little too much information with a certain tattooed, HOT bartender who I went out with a few times, "Don't be spilling my BEANS, yo!"  Desiree continues her tour of driveway make-outs and after they kiss, Chris says that nobody could be more connected than they are.  Oh Chris, you are a video editor's dream with that comment because who's up next...

BROOKS!  The Salt Lake City, UT native (read: Mormon) who Desiree straight-up says she LOVES.  Yowza!  Are the editors making it seem like Brooks is a shoe-in just to throw us off the trail that probably leads to Chris or Drew?  It seems a little early for Desiree to be that candid, but who knows in this topsy-turvy Bach world.  Desiree and Brooks meet up in a park (and it's like, "thanks a ton for preserving these public green spaces, Frederick Law Olmsted," right?) where Des shares a tally of her favorite Brooks dates and memories.  Brooks is undoubtedly he most hesitant of all the guys and I fear that emotionally unavailability is what's pulling in Desiree (take it from a girl who LOVES emotionally unavailable dudes--they're the tops!  Unless you want to feel like a human who deserves to have feelings!).  Brooks's family is HUGE and wearing name tags.  At dinner, Brooks talks about Desiree as though she's not even in the room.  After dinner, Brooks's brothers (no relation to the preppy store--BOOMTOWN!) grill him with questions about Desiree, including "can she hang with you?" (yeah, I think she can whisper talk and be effeminate REAL well) and the bizarre, "if she was gone, would you want her back?"  Meanwhile, Brooks's mother talks to Desiree then reports back that it went just "OK" which felt odd.  I was having some flashbacks to Emily's season, when she ended up with Pompadour Prince/Robyn wannna-be, Jef.  I know that this big, happy family can seem SO enticing (especially when you come from a small family that is 1/4 psychopath brother--as Desiree's family is), but you KNOW that all that family closeness would feel suffocating eventually.  They kiss goodbye.

Then Desiree is back in LA and her tattooed brother Nate is coming for a visit.  Des says that she won't let Nate meet the guys just yet and in his typical mature, thoughtful, adult way, he says that he'd like to "get in their heads."  That evening, the 4 guys arrive for the rose ceremony and ratty Nate watches them from behind a pillar, looking more like a teenager stalking the lobby of his local hotel because he heard that his favorite band, Audioslave, was staying there.

Desiree sits down with Chris Harrison and says that she loves Brooks and is hoping for a proposal from him.  Yikes!  Again, I feel like the producers are manipulating us by pushing Brooks really hard but the winner will end up being Drew or Chris.  Time will tell.  In the meantime, we have a rooftop line-up to witness!

The four dudes are lined up, Desiree is in a cute, sparkly dress, and the tears are flowing before she has even had the chance to publicly ruin the life of a single guy!  What order did the roses come in?

BROOKS (either the producers are really pushing this storyline HARD or she genuinely, somehow likes this schmoe)
CHIS (she can look forward to a LIFETIME of snot removal at the hands of her father-in-law!)
and now it's between Drew and Zak... and if you think Zak is going to advance an INCH farther, I'd like for you to meet be behind the dumpster so that we can fistfight after school cause the rose goes to...
DREW!  (Hell yeah--he's hot, sweet, has a sick body, and Des can look forward to a lifetime of dream catchers on her walls!)

So finally, thank God, our long national nightmare of Zak as a viable Bachelorette contender is over.  Unlike all of America, Zak is shocked and upset.  Desiree cries and give Zak back his promise ring (which he later tosses out the window of the limousine cause it makes for good TV--I bet they had a PA there to catch it).  For how much I hated Zak all season, his final rejection limo ride gave me some sympathy for him.  He said that he had been in a slump and was sad to return to his life alone.  Aww buddy.  Lemme give ya two tips: (1) don't lead with your abs when it comes to courtship, and (2) never dress up in a penguin costume on a date.  Those two are on the house.  Good luck to ya, Zak.

Next week is the Men Tell All and I can't wait to get some updates on the rejects!  Are James and Mikey cashing in on their D list fame and slaying ladies together in Chicago?  Is Ben still a psychopath manipulator pretending to be a good, Christian man and father?  Is Bryden still using hair gel (I HOPE)?  Is Kasey still talking in hashtags and not getting women?  We'll find out on Monday!

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Bachelorette Desiree: Episode 7 Recap


I couldn't watch last night's episode in its entirety, as I had my own dating ritual to conduct (a lot like The Bachelorette, only in my version I hand out whiskey shots instead of roses and sadly, Chris Harrison doesn't hang out with me) but I caught the first half and it was chock full of Bach goodies!

Desiree and her 5 remaining beaus traveled to Madiera (an island off Portugal) and we kicked off the episode with images of the posse arriving in Madiera by boat.  The shots looked like a Ralph Lauren catalogue photo shoot (clean cut, preppy as hell, zero minorities) and there was a whole lotta shouting ("Hello!" "Madiera!" "I'm a tool!"(that last one is one I WISH they would yell)).

What's in store this week?  Three one-on-one dates and a two-on-one date, but without the usual elimination from the two-on-one.  As Desiree says, now it's about love and getting to know if one of these guys is a match for lifelong partnership.  Aint nobody got time for rejections mid-date anymore!

Desiree called in some of her supposed best friends to help her make some dude decisions and wouldn't you know it, her besties are all gals from last season of The Bachelor!  I guess that serving time as a crew of concubine cuties bonds you just as much as sorority pledging, because Desiree's "friends" are Catherine (Asian girl who won Sean's heart), Jackie (redhead from Sean's season who always looked great), and Lesley (blonde Arkansan from Sean's season).  Desiree talks about the guys, saying that Drew has the best body and is the best kisser (ummm... SHOW OVER.  I'm sorry, but those two items are good enough for me--wrap it up, kids--we have a winner) and that Zak is the most adventurous (ha--that's a nice way of saying he's an adult hyper hypo with ADD).  The women stare at the guys with binoculars (I love a good stalker move!) and yell at Brooks to take off his shirt.  Hell yeah, ladies!

The first 1:1 date is with Brooks and I have FINALLY put my finger on what I hate about him.  He comes off as quite effeminate and wimpy overall, but last night I realized the problem is his VOICE.  Lawdy lawdy could the guy speak in a tone that's a TOUGH higher than a friggin' whisper?  Brooks, is your real name Brooks or are you one of the Yin Yang Twins cause this is some whisper song shit going on here!  They do a driving trip during which they stand on the edge of a cliff (what, no metaphors about how falling in love is like falling off a cliff?) then drive up INTO the clouds so that they can break out every cloud-related analogy YOU HAVE EVER HEARD OF.  Lawdy lawdy it was like watching a game of Secret Password when you think the word is something about clouds.  They're on cloud 9!  Their relationship just broke through the clouds (whatever THAT means)!

That evening Desiree rocks a dope, metallic miniskirt (she may be a poor man's Katie Holmes cheeseball, but I'm willing to admit when she dresses well) and have a candelit dinner, during which she showcases the fact that she doesn't know what an adjective is.  Brooks says something about the adjectives between like and love (a bit odd, but whatever) and she then suggests the following words: stepping, skipping, jogging, running, finish line.  Errrrmmmm... wah!?!?  GIRL.  Did you not attend 6th grade?  (Probs no, since you say "times that" instead of "multiply that," but I digress).  Stepping, skipping, jogging, running--those are VERBS and to get a lil fancier, those are also gerunds.  (I love a good gerund, don't you?  My fave is probably "dangling" since it's a gerund about what modifiers do--HEYO!)  The last item in your list, Desiree, "finish line" is not a verb OR an adjective, but rather a noun.  Please try to be consistent in your idiocy, if nothing else.  Brooks appeared supremely confused by her ignorance of adjectives, but that didn't stop him from saying he'd love to bring her home to meet the parents.  Nice.

Up next is a 1:1 with Chris and the pair board a dope yacht where they strip down to swimsuits and rub sunblock on each other (apparently people actually DO that when trying to be sexy--I always thought it was an urban legend... well, not urban really--a beach legend.  Whatever--I'm saying that stuff like that only happens in 80s teen movies.)

That's where I had to jet to do my make-up, so I'll write the rest of this recap very soon. I love you, sweet jazzy cats!!

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Bachelorette Desiree: Episode 6 Recap

As usual, I'm late with this recap.  I was performing at ALA in Chicago over the weekend (that's a conference hosted by the American Library Association and it RULZ) then had a gig Monday night, blah blah blah.  So my recap is late once again.  Someday I'll get it together, I promise, sweet pussycat.

What went down in episode 6 of The Bachelorette?  The standard fare that we have come to expect from this crew: Michael getting wicked lawyery, James (The Don) expelling water from his body in the form of a whole lotta tears and sweat, and Juan Pablo reminding us why the hell he's here (because he's a professional soccer player).

The crew headed to Barcelona, Spain (and based on Drew's pronunciation of whatever Spanish word means "small, street band," you KNOW that he's one of those jags who pronounces it "BarTHHHHElona."  What do I say to that? BARFelona--heeeyo! I'm the worst!).  Chris Harrison informs them of the week's activities: two 1:1 dates and a group date with roses up for grabs on all date and NO COCKTAIL PARTY (that's like WASP hell!), so there's no time for 11th hour pleas to Desiree.

The first 1:1 date goes to Mr. Clean Cut himself, Drew.  As soon as Des and Drew meet up on the street, he goes in for a real kiss which was very Will Hunting of him (remember that scene in the diner when Skylar talks about a goodnight kiss and Will talks about a goodnight lay and then they kiss? Ahh Boston... where the greatest dudes are bred).  They explore, eat tapas, drink from a filthy spigot and Drew explains that his father is a recovering alcoholic who has cancer (but nobody knows about the cancer).  Spoiler alert, Drew: eeeeerybody's going to know about the cancer now.  Hope Pops is chill with it!

That night they stumble upon a trio of musicians playing in an alley and they both "dance" which is horrible to watch.  Wow, Desiree is awkward when attempting to move her upper body and lower body in the ritual that humans call "dancing."  They pass through a tiny, unmarked door and into a gorgeous courtyard where they are supposed to have dinner, but--aww snap--Drew has other plans!  Clean cut Drew takes Desiree by the hands and WHISKS her away (dude whisks HARD), back into that same alley, for a HARD CORE MAKE OUT beneath bright lights & in front of 3 videocameras.  It all looked very dramatic and completely moronic.  But perhaps all public make-outs do?  I have no idea cause I'm usually on the inside of those hard core make-outs (Heeeeeyo! UP TOP! But seriously I made out with this dude at a bar in February and I can only imagine how weird we must have looked. Me, this perfectly coiffed knock out vision of perfection making out with a bearded mountain man in a hunting shirt. For reals!).

Post-hard make out, Drew tells Desiree about what he overheard in the van last week: Mikey (rest in peace sweet Chicagoland beefcake) and James (The Don) talking about what life would be like for them back in Chicago, post-Bachelorette.  Drew & Kasey heard the guys talk about their ambitions of being the next Bachelor or at least trading on this newfound fame to score some ladies/free bottle service.  Class acts, those two! (But you know that if Mikey ever asked me out, I'd definitely say yes, even though he's probably a sleaze.  Ahh the power of roid rage-style arms & tribal tattoos!  I'm helpless against it!)  Drew scores a rose in the alley (good thing Des always keeps those on her person, huh?)

The next day is the group date and the crew is Brooks (still effeminate), Chris (pasty but growing tanner/cooler), Kasey (#StillSux), Michael (Chunky Swayze if Dalton had gone to law school instead of NYU for Philosophy--oh don't you doubt I know my Roadhouse references for a MINUTE, reader!), James (The Don and the resident  house pariah), and Juan Pablo (remember him?).  Desiree is in Sporty Spice mode (Poor Man's Katie Holmes/Sporty Spice--how many pop culture references can I make at once!? TWO?) and meets the boys at a soccer stadium where they will be doing drills and playing.  Michael rocks a sweatband because that's his favorite activity in the world (other than screaming, "I OBJECT!" every chance he gets) and Juan Pablo says he feels like he's home.  After some drills, Desiree disappears then walks back out with her team, which is comprised of WOMEN!  The guys respond in such a way that I assume they're unaware that women are allowed to PLAY soccer, much less that they have their own league.  The 6 dudes will be playing against Des and her team of 5 professional soccer players, yet Brooks still says, "if we don't beat them, we'll be embarrassed forever."  Ummm guys, you know that these 5 ladies are PROFESSIONALS at this, yes?  Why would you be embarrassed when your team of 1 professional and 5 amateurs loses to a team that is 5 professionals and 1 amateur.  Oh wait, because they're WOMEN!? Oh wow--you guys really come off like total pussies, but apparently you're sexist pussies, which is the worst kind of pussy.  But I digress.  Desiree and her team friggin' slaughter the guys 10-2 and all is right in the world.

At the afterparty, Desiree recites an original poem for Chris (barf) and marvels at his sports skills, saying, "I could give you any activity and you could do it so good."  Too bad you can't use grammar so good, Des.  Meanwhile, Kasey and Michael are talking about the #JamesSituation and decide to confront James about what he said in the van.  Chris just happens to be sitting there (hold onto that nugget for later).  Kasey and Michael confront James and he gets mad REAL QUICK (not the sign of a person who feels especially innocent, huh?) and lights into the dudes.  He finishes off his monologue with a classic, Half Baked style exit, pointing at Michael, then Chris, then Kasey and saying, "Yeah, fuck you Michael and fuck you and fuck you."

My favorite part about the whole display was that Chris said NOTHING to James and yet still got the 'ole "fuck you" to the face. There is nothing more hilarious to me than when people get caught in the verbal crossfire like that.

Kasey then tells Desiree about all of it and Desiree asks James to stick around after the guys leave for some 1:1 time. Before they all leave, Desiree says that she won't be giving out a rose tonight (which was probably pretty frustrating to Juan Pablo since I imagine he KILLED IT in the soccer match).

During their alone time, James is unrepentant yet weepy and insists that he was just making small talk with Mikey (so apparently he'll go along with anything you say to him in conversation?).  Desiree is tired and confused and sends him back to the hotel.

The next day is the Zak/Desiree 1:1 and I remain flabbergasted about the fact that he's still HERE.  Zak is an annoying tool with a crazy positive attitude who showed up shirtless and covered in bronzer on night 1!  And yet he's still here!? Huh? (I know that in Sean's season the girl who showed up shitfaced & in a wedding dress made it to the final 2, but I still can't believe Zak is here!)

Since Barcelona has so much art, their date consists of going to a windowless studio to sketch (way to make use of the city, producers!) a few models and each other.  A nude model shows up (OF COURSE HE DOES) and assumes a pose that can only be described as "Taint Shame."  I would post a photo here but I'm afraid I'll end up on a watch list.  It was pretty sketchy (HEYO!) and of course Zak used that opportunity to strip down to his tightey whiteys and pose (come on Zak, did Marky Mark teach you NOTHING in the early 90s?).  That night they dress up for dinner in an underground vault where they drink, explore, and make out in a low-ceilinged hallway that made me feel claustrophobic just looking at it (plus, the dude on the other end of that tongue is Zak, so it's even worse).

Back at the hotel, confrontations are going down left and right.  James insists that he's just being realistic about life after Bach (IS there life after Bach?  Do you believe in life after love? Wasn't that Cher song DOPE? Do you enjoy questions?) and Brooks makes the valid point that when you're dating a girl, you rarely talk about how excited you are for the other girls you'll date after this one (truth).  Michael calls James toxic, evil, and sinister and Drew calls him a "piece of shit." I love it when dudes talk smack!

James and Desiree have a sweaty 1:1 and she's still torn about who to trust, but soon it's rose ceremony time and she has made her decision.

Drew and Zak already have roses, os they're all safe.  Chris Harrison informs us that THREE dudes will be getting the Heisman tonight (that feels like a LOT) and 3 will be getting roses.  Who scores a rose?

Chris (writing poetry pays off only on The Bachelorette, not as an actual career path)
Brooks (he made a good point about James' shitty behavior, so I'll give him a pass this week)
Michael (Chunky Swayze's passion for law is somehow appealing to Des!)

So who's hopping on the S.S. Get the F--k Outta Town to a dingy named "CYA Later!" then to the AirTran shuttle to Losertown, population 3?  Juan Pablo, Kasey, and James.  What do we think of that?

Juan Pablo: there was very little communication between Des & JP, it seemed. He was hot, though.
Kasey: he was annoying and non-hot from the very start. I'm stunned he made it this far (too harsh?)
James: his thick neck & broad shoulders were hot, but the fact that he was SO "eyes on the prize" and the prize wasn't Desiree was problematic.  I'm sure Mikey's waiting for you at Le Passage, buddy.

Where are Desiree and her 5 suitors headed now?  To an island off Portugal where tears are going to flow like we're in a waterproof mascara testing laboratory!  See you Monday!

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Bachelorette Desiree: Episode 5 Recap

Jazzy cats!

Mama's a lil tired tonight cause I had some wine with family and I've been busy watching Wendy Davis filibuster like a non-peeing wizard on the TX Senate floor, so I'm going to be a bit briefer than usual.  Or at least I'll try.

This week the crew is in Munich, Germany and there will be 3 dates with roses up for grabs on all of them.  A single 1:1 date, a group date, and the dreaded 2:1 date which is the definition of awkward (and makes for hella dope television).

The 1:1 goes to Chris (dude who used to be just a pasty nobody, but emerged kinda late in the game and appears to have a personality despite his penchant for poetry) and he and Desiree explore Munich with just a phrase book.  They laugh over the fact that they have NEVER used maps (huh? Townies for life?) and pose for photos alongside a bizarrely painted, white midget.  Oh Germany, you just never stop living up to your strange German stereotypes, do you? Check the pic:

Chris & Desiree eat sausage, try on lederhosen, dance horribly AND THEN BRYDEN SHOWS UP!?!?  What the EFF!?!?  (Note: Bryden is the Iraq War veteran who recently discovered hair gel and I'm elated that he did.  Also, he's been brooding lately--Brooding Bryden--because he's not sure if he still likes Desiree anymore.  So OF COURSE the producers are like, "why don't you NOT wait until an opportune time to bow out, but rather disrupt the lone 1:1 date to step away from this love contest?)  Brooding Bryden disrupts the bad dance-off (thank goodness) to take Desiree over to some steps and drop her like a hot assed potatoe without bacon bits & sour cream (so really, a potato worth eating--but don't you DOUBT for a MINUTE that I love potatoes cause I'm Irish as shiiiiit! Boston Celtics baby!  I once dated a guy with a fighting Irish tattoo AND 3 Celtic design tattoos, that's how much I love potatoes).  Did anybody else notice that as Bryden approached Des & Chris, we heard the Intervention music (from the KILLER TV show "Intervention" on A&E) from when the subject would be walking into the Holiday Inn or Comfort Inn or whatever for their "final interview"?  I could call that shit at 50 paces!  Desiree handles the dumping well (I mean, gurl got dumped mid-date, how else can you handle it?) and she and Chris drink, then he reads her a vomit-worthy poem.  He gets a rose, they make out, then they dance to a live performance by Matt White, who is, presumably, famous.

Meanwhile back at the hotel suite it's like a meeting of the Hoodie Club and the group date card arrives.  Who are the jags who will be getting 30 seconds of hang time with Desiree if they're lucky?  Juan Pablo (father but more importantly, hot, spicy dude), James (The Don), Kasey (#HowAreYouStillHere), Zak (how is HE still here?), Brooks (dude must be a wicked good kisser cause he reminds me of a dead fish who is somehow also human--but not like, a Merman--just a dead fish/human), Drew (squeaky clean hottie with a jaw that could open a can of sardines if ANYBODY even ate sardines anymore--why do we keep talking dead fish? Cause I'm writing this tipsy & late? PROBSIES!), and last but not least, the man who is my first, my last, my EVERYTHING: MIKEY T!  (Can you tell that I'm setting up for heartache here?)

The group date is a day of fun in the snow (aka my own personal hell) and the crew ride a tram up to the top of a mountain, sing with a yodeler, and obviously received free Ray Bans before this whole event.  Seriously--they looked like a creepy Ray Ban cult.  (If only the Branch Davidians had been so stylish, am I right?)  They went sledding on tiny butt covers that caught speeds the likes of which I haven't seen since National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (when Clark used that new spray on the bottom of his sled and friggin' FLEW).  Post-snow play, the crew retired to an igloo hotel that resembled Superman's home planet from that old 1980s version of Superman (if my memory serves) where Desiree smooched both James and Brooks.  I think that Brooks might be like Arie from Emily's season--a dude who looks like a pasty corpse but must be an AMAZING kisser.  Mikey T. and Desiree get some alone time, during which she asks him if he'd ever leave Chicago and he makes comments about them having 5-10 children.  Yikes.  Desiree has some alone time with Zak (aka Andy from "The Office") and he shares the fact that a decade ago he was on a path to become a Priest, but had an epiphany on a mountain Germany and decided NOT to do that (did your decision to become a reality TV tool come right after that, or later, Zak?  Guess we'll never know).  The crew gathers back in the igloo-style night club and Desiree hands the rose to Brooks, proving again that Desiree's "type" is the opposite of my type.

It's time for the 2:1 date and the two gladiators hate each other (OF COURSE THEY DO): Chunky Swayze (Michael) and Ben (America's worst father).  Chunky Swayze plans to use some of his attorney tactics to expose Ben as a fraud and Ben is just rolling with the punches and insisting that for him faith and family are the most important things.  Yeah, sure they are.  So important that you haven't called your son ONCE in the past 5 weeks and you were the ONLY guy who didn't bother to attend Easter Sunday church service (Chunky Swayze managed to gather that information during cross examination aka hang out time).  The awkward trio suits up in bathing gear and hops in a "Hot Tugg" (not as dirty as it sounds), which is a hot tub that's also a boat that you can zip in on a chilly lake.  Pretty dope, no?  During that Hot Tugg adventure, Chunky Swayze asks perfect questions and gives Ben juuuuust enough rope to hang himself with.  Ben literally says that it was God's plan for him to get his baby mama pregnant but NOT marry her.  

That night over dinner, Chunk Swayze lays it on a LITTLE too thick and Desiree changes the subject, but not before Ben storms out and paces around outside.  Desiree follow him out (OF COURSE SHE DOES) and he explains that he's so thrown off because, as he says, he has "never had someone question my faith... or me as a father."  SERIOUSLY, dude?  NO ONE was like, "oh you're going to showcase your INFANT SON on episode 1 of The Bachelorette and have him walk into the arms of a stranger as your entree into her heart?  Are you sure that's a great idea, father?"  Ben plays the religion & family cards HARD and Desiree straight up laughs in his face.  Then Des and Chunky Swayze have some time alone, during which he levels with her: Ben has talked about his desire to be the next Bachelor and how he could follow in the (pretty shameful) footsteps of Brad (who did The Bachelor TWICE and still doesn't know how to be in a relationship) and use the notoriety to grow his bar business.  Finally it's rose time on the 2:1 and who scores it? CHUNKY SWAYZE!  Aww snap!  Unprecedented! (That was for you, Joanna!)  I was bracing myself for Chunky Swayze to get the Heisman much like that cute blonde who tried to warn Ben that Courtney was Beezlebub (sp? I'm tired & tipsy--you know what I mean--Satan) back during that season (remember her?  The blonde chick--she was a rad scientist, killer body, super cool, and got friggin' HOSED for warning Ben!) and had a target on her own back because of it.  But Desiree's a smart cookie and she tossed out Ben, thank goodness.  He got up & hustled out right away (what a class act!  Didn't bother saying goodbye!), then in the limo he immediately made a comment that he would have been a great next Bachelor ("single father from Texas--are you kidding me?") and then asked the crew where they were going to get drunk.  Ciao!

Finally it's rose ceremony time and information has emerged that James (The Don) is here for the wrong reasons.  Brooks & Drew overheard him say it, so it must be true.  That will come to fruition next week, but in the meantime, what went down at the rose ceremony?  Chris, Brooks, and Michael (Chunky Swayze) already had roses, and who else got 'em?
-Zak (are you KIDDING me!? That dude is the OPPOSITE of HOT or COOL and I don't mean he's lukewarm (also, I don't know how temperatures work): he's a friggin' tool!)
-Kasey (#IsThisAJoke? #GetAHaircut #TakeAValiumThenMaybeYou'llBeLessAnnoying)
-Juan Pablo (guy is hot... but seriously--you think there's a future there?)
-Drew (dude is pure as the driving or driven snow, whatever it is, and I kinda like it)
-James (The Don, who wore a TINY scarf this episode and looked like a monster because of it)

So who's hopping on the 'ole Shitbag Rejection Bus to the AirTran Shuttle (can't use your monthly MetroCard on that one, jerkwad) to a flight on See Ya In Hell Airlines, seat for 1?  MIKEY T!!  Yes yes, my sweet beloved meatball made of dimples and sick biceps.  Somehow Mikey is shocked by this, despite the fact that he never so much as KISSED Desiree.  Aww Mikey.  Go back to Chicago where you will pull tail from South Loop all the way to Wrigleyville.  I hope to see you there this weekend (seriously, I'll be in Chi town doing a set at the Laugh Factory Friday, then at the American Library Association conference--see my "Gigs" page for more info).

Next week Des & the boys jet off to Barcelona for a whole lotta tears!  See you then!  xoxo

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Bachelorette Desiree: Episode 4 Recap

We're down to lucky 13 dudes and this week's theme is like a combination of that DOPE song by Bruce Springsteen ("Meet Me Tonight in Atlantic City") and that episode of Sex & the City when the ladies take a road trip and Charlotte dresses like a white trash sluuuuuut, Samantha's expectation that Richard will cheat on her gets the best of her, Carrie eats a bunch of salt water taffy and has unruly curls, and Miranda... oh man I can't remember, but she probably does something wildly boring OR she finally lets loose.  Either way, it was Bachelorette party time in AC, baby!  ATLANTIC CITY!

The first 1:1 date goes to Brad (has a kid and a lil' bit of a criminal record but it's TOTALLY NOT HIS FAULT, guys! Those domestic violence charges were bogus!) and the note says "let's let our love shine through" so you know what that means?  Chilling in a lighthouse!  But first, Desiree and Brad tackle a montage's worth of requisite boardwalk date activities: they ride a slingshot nightmare trap thing, they ride a rollercoaster, they walk along the boardwalk, and generally engage in enough activities to hide the fact that Brad is boring and Desiree is a poor man's Katie Holmes without even the (minimal) personality of friggin' Katie Holmes.  They bust into a candy factory (what is this, a bland version of "I Love Lucy"?) and I'm sure the staff is THRILLED that these two lovebirds are NOT wearing regulation hair nets while they snatch chocolate candies right off the conveyor belt.  Do what you want, jags!  Brad and Des enjoy cocktails by a ridiculous sandcastle (see below) but Brad's "personality" just doesn't exist, so Des dumps his baby daddy ass at the top of a lighthouse.  Brad walks back down the stairs alone and then cries.  Peace out, pussycat.

(Yes, I still use an old school cathode ray tube style TV--what's it to you!?!??!?!!??!)

Up next is a group date and the posse is Brooks (SO effeminate STILL!), Bryden (Operation: I-Sexy Freedom), Zack K (Chuck Taylors), Kasey (#PleaseShutYourFace), Drew (squeaky clean hottie), Juan Pablo (Foreigner is a rad band and this dude is a hot foreigner), Zak W (his existence is a friggity JOKE!), Mikey (hell yes I LOVE YOU FOREVER my sweet meatball), Michael (Chunky Swayze lookin' good), Chris (he's growing on me), and Ben (lawdy lawdy the worst guy ever--get a SINGLE angular feature, wouldja?).  They report to downtown AC and learn that they will be participating in a Mr. America pageant in front of a live audience!  They're in good hands, though: they will be trained by a hot blonde (what what) who is the present Miss. America (of course she is--BLONDES RULE!) and a lovely, uber gay pageant coach guy.  The dudes practice for the assorted challenges: interview, talent, and swimsuit.  Perhaps they were feeling inspired by their gay pageant coach because most of the guys went for VERY effeminate talents: dancing, baton twirling, and general high heel wearing for no reason (Chris).  In the interview portion we learn that Juan Pablo has a daughter (odd time to drop that tidbit, JP) and that Mikey T wants the world to know that he's a sensitive guy deep down (how about you keep that to yourself and just keep showing off your tats, mmmmK?).  Ben performs a ribbon dance (what is this, Get In Shape, Girl?), Drew recites the most cliched Shakeapeare scene ever (friggin' Romeo & Juliet), Bryden thrusts his junk directly into the face of Atlantic City's mayor (one of the judges), and Zak W (aka Andy from "The Office") plays a heartfelt love song on the guitar.  At the end of it all, Kasey (hashtag tool) wins the contest and the prize is nothing--CONGRATS, KASEY! #EatShit

At the Mr. America after party, pretty standard stuff goes down: Ben reminds America that he's not here to make friends, all the other guys stew over how much they hate him, Zak W remains clueless about how much is too much and serenades Desiree further.  At the end of it all, Desiree decides to give ZAK W. the rose and BLOWS MY MIND!  Talk about a pity rose for a guy who she thinks is "just a super NICE guy!"  Blech.

The final date is a 1:1 between Desiree and James (The Don) during which they witness the devastation that Hurricane Sandy wrought all over New Jersey.  It was pretty sad to look at all of those destroyed homes, but that didn't stop James from being wicked handsy with Des.  They took a walking tour of Seaside Heights with a woman from the Red Cross and even met a sweet couple (Manny & Jan) whose home was wrecked by Sandy.  Desiree and James gave that couple their romantic date (of COURSE they did!) and the couple went off for a lovely dinner in AC while Des and James ate at a pizza place nearby.  During dinner, James admitted that he had cheated on his ex-girlfriend and gave himself a LOT of credit for experiencing a broken heart (of his own doing? Huh?) from that situation.  They met back up with Manny and Jan and the two couples headed into a ballroom to see a performance by country music's newest "hit", Darius Rucker!  Yes, the dude from Hootie & the Blowfish--I KNOW!  Oh man I want to give him a chance, but I don't know.  I love me some country, but Darius Rucker?  Seriously?  Manny and Jan slow dance to Darius Rucker like they've heard of him while Desiree gives James a rose.  Both couples end up on the dance floor and do a little "keys in the bowl switcheroo" (not quite, but how NUTS would that have been?) and Manny dances with Des while Jan dances with The Don.  Intergenerational mixing & mingling!

Finally, it's almost rose ceremony time and the group of 12 dudes (since Brad got the Heisman) will be pared down to (this one goes to) 11 by night's end.  Bryden is having doubts, which the producers are LOVING. During cocktail hour, Chunky Swayze trots out a corny game using the letters of Desiree's name to describe Desiree (have you been getting dating tips from a 5th grader, buddy?) and Bryden admits that he's been struggling.  Dude, if you can make it through serving in Iraq, you can survive sharing a house with a gang of losers (lead by Ben & Kasey).

It's rose ceremony time at long last!  The Don has a rose and somehow, so does Zak W, so who else scores flowers?
-Chris (pasty poet who used to play pro baseball)
-Brooks (seriously? Dude is a 2nd runner up to Zak W in the anti-sexy category)
-Juan Pablo (I've been waiting for a girl like you.... FOREIGNER IS A GREAT BAND!)
-Drew (dude said both "banana hammock" and "Tom Foolery" this episode, so I'm digging his style)
-Michael (Chunky Swayze finally made out with Des this week! Nice work!)
-Ben (your face is what we call "fat skinny" and I want to roundhouse kick it)
-Kasey (they don't grow 'em much more annoying than that hashtag expert)
-Bryden (the producers did some tricky editing to make it seem like Bryden almost negged the rose--yikes!)
-Mikey T (last and DEFINITELY NOT LEAST!  I think he's not Desiree's type, but lawdy LAWDY he's my type.  Macho, tattooed, kind of a simpleton--matchmaker, matchmaker you made Selena a match!)

Who's hitching a ride on the S.S. Self Doubt without a life jacket?  Zack K, a guy who never revealed much personality and we knew only as "Chuck Taylors" on this here blog.  I'm sure he was nice, blah blah blah, and I'm sure that Zak W. is thrilled that he's not the last Zak standing.  The Zack attack is over and somehow the bigger tool came out on top.  Ahh love, am I right?

Next Monday's episode take the harem to Munich, Germany.  I'm just praying we see Mikey T. in some tight leiderhosen.  What did you think of this episode?  Do you hate Ben as much as I do?  Am I overly harsh on Kasey?  Please feel free to comment!

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Bachelorette Desiree: Episode 3 Recap

Last night's episode included all of the favorite elements that are beloved by the Bachelor die-hard community: a disgruntled ex-girlfriend, a broken finger, and men whipping balls at other men.  As Shitty Kasey would say, I was in #HEAVEN! 

Chris Harrison laid out the week's events: two group dates and a 1:1 date with roses up for grabs on all.  

The first group date crew was Chris (pasty), Brian (snooze), Drew (squeaky clean cut), Michael (Chunky Swayze), Brooks (lil effeminate and it's only going to get worse on this date—you'll see), Brad (brick shithouse who's hot but bland), Brandon (motorcycle dude who is VERY emotional), Zack K. (Chuck Taylor-wearer), Ben (the guy who sucks even MORE than the other sucky dudes), and last but certainly not least, my beloved MIKEY T!!! 

The dudes reported to a gym where they were greeted by super serious members of the National Dodgeball League.  These members acted like they were digging drainage ditches in Rwanda with how seriously they took their dodgeball games.  After the boys received some lessons in dodgeball (because apparently they never attended gym class or recess?), Chris Harrison arrived to split them into teams for a public dodgeball tournament.  The teams were "randomly picked" but just happen to pit Mikey T. and Chunky Swayze against Ben, so this "random selection" feels about as random as the list for the Tuesday Treehouse Open Mic circa Sue Funke's reign.  (Yes, that was a joke that only 5 readers will get, but I'M MAKING IT ANYWAY!)  The teams suited up in red or blue daisy dukes, knee-high socks, and sweatbands then made a dramatic entrance into the cage where they would play.  Chunky Swayze explained that it's a really intense cage match, saying, "this isn't your grandfather's kind of dodgeball." No, Michael, it's not.  Your grandfather probably NEVER played dodgeball, as he was a lil too busy fighting the Nazi's in WWII then coming back home to a family of 6 who needed to be fed and a lawn that had to be cut by a push mower and his ONLY relief was a beer or two at the VFW hall on Friday night.  No, I have a HUNCH that Pawpaw never dallied in a child's sport that overprivledged adult-children have co-opted.  But I digress.  (Wow—that greatest generation diatribe might make you think that this blog is ghost written by Tom Brokaw but I assure you IT IS NOT!  Brokaw knows NOTHING about Bach!)  

It was an intense, best-of-three tournament and after game 2, the red team had won 1 game and the blue team had won 1 game.  It was all down to this and Brooks ATE IT at the opening whistle.  He somehow managed to bust his finger and was taken away to the hospital.  Desiree held his hand for a second and then watched the finale of the 3rd game, which was Chris vs. Zack and there was a mention that both of those guys were former pro baseball players.  Huh? Umm… maybe I DON'T hate you both anymore.  

The blue team won and Desiree announced that both teams are invited to the after party, so all that effort was really for naught (man, I haven't seen a mind fuck that bad since I pledged Alpha Theta Chi and we were always made to feel like all the sisters hated us, but they actually didn't!).  Brooks missed most of the after party because he was at the hospital having his broken finger reset, fainting from the resetting, then dealing with a videocamera in his crotch.  At the after party, Brad (built, quiet) pulled Desiree aside to reveal that he has a 3 year old son named Maddox (insert Jolie-Pitt family joke here), his ex had a drinking problem, and he got arrested for domestic violence because of a scuffle they had.  YOWZA!  You're really giving Ben and Brandon a run for their money when it comes to bombshells!  Chris (pasty) whisked Desiree away to the helicopter pad/roof where they had some alone time and Chris showed that he's more than just a pasty random with the worst body in the house.  Not so fast, Chris—guess who's back from the hospital and thinking that his injury will mean that Desiree is wrapped around his broken finger? BROOKS!  And he's got to hold that finger upright to prevent painful blood flow to the tip (I've been there--no joke--long story), so he's looking like he's giving the #1 sign 24/7!  

Desiree and Brooks had a sweet conversation and make-out, but when it came down to rose time, Des gave it to CHRIS! The pasty nobody who needs to invest in an ab roller or just do some sit-ups once in a while! Aww snap!  Unprecedented!  Sorry Brooks, but breaking your finger won't always get you the girl.  The rose meant that Chris and Desiree got a private serenade by a sappy singer and Brandon watched from an onlooking patio (like a sniper) as Chris & Desiree made out.  

The next day, Desiree was "surprised" by a phone call (wow is that girl a bad actress) from Chris Harrison and told to head to the Bachelorette mansion.  There, she took Brian (snoooooze) outside and asked him if he's there "for the right reasons."  He went on and on that he is, then Desiree said that she's confused because Brian's girlfriend is here to confront him.  Aww snap!  In walked Stephanie (a cute brunette single mother) who LIT INTO Brian and said that they were together (cough--in bed--cough) 2 nights before he came on The Bachelorette.  Stephanie has a son named Donovan who apparently looks up to Brian (he aspires to have a SUPER bad personality?) and I just feel bad for the tyke that his name is Donovan.  For Brian's sake, I can't decide what is worse: being outed as a JERK on national TV, or having it happen while you are wearing black ankle socks!?  Seriously people--black ankle socks are DISGUSTING.  Brian was promptly asked to leave Bach land and the other guys were flabbergasted.  Brandon cried over the whole display because he was raised by a single mother and men would come in as father figures and then leave without saying goodbye (like Brian did to Donovan).  Oh Brandon, you're so sweet and your feelings are completely understandable and valid (who's got 2 thumbs and LOVES therapy!? THIS GIRL!) but seriously--talk to a therapist about these feelings of rejection and shame--not directly to a TV camera.  

Kasey (#Loser) gets the 1:1 date after that scene and their activity was dancing against a building (harness, leggings, and all).  It was pretty lame and Kasey continued to be an annoying tool, but he somehow scored a rose.  

The final group date is Dan (Ken doll-like helmet-like black hair and bright teeth), James (The Don), Juan Pablo (spicy!), Bryden (Iraq vet), Zak W (pity bid who is more like Andy from "The Office" every time he opens his mouth) and they reported to a wild west-type set.  Desiree was there in a hoop dress that The Don describes as "a beautiful gown from the 1900s" which could mean be a flapper dress or a Twiggy-style shift dress or a 1980s metallic prom dress, but who cares?  The guys dressed up as cowboys and learned stage combat and stunts in cowboy boot camp.  Juan Pablo earned the ranger badge so he and Desiree got some alone time to watch the trailer for "The Lone Ranger" and make-out while eating popcorn.  It's like an 8th grade date!  

Somewhere in between the cowboy boot camp and the afterparty, Bryden seems to have been introduced to hair gel is and he looks SO MUCH BETTER!  Push that hair to the side and lock in that style, Army man!  Desiree and Zak had a chat and he's SO not sexy it's stunning.  His days have GOT TO be numbered.  The Don revealed that his father is very ill and he misses his family (of course he does! They're the mafia!), so Desiree gave him a rose to reassure him.  

The next day, Desiree hung out with the guys at their pool and when she first pulled up in her car, Ben snuck out and whisked her aside for some 1:1 time.  He then denied doing this to all the guys in the house and  guess who knew the truth and wasn't having it? MIKEY AND CHUNKY SWAYZE!! Hell yeah!  Ben sat there in a bizarre tank top while Mikey and Chunky Swayze berated him--it was delightful.  Meanwhile, Brandon was practically WEEPING to Desiree about how upset he was by the single mom/Brian situation. Oh sweet Brandon--please tone it down.  

Finally, it's rose ceremony time.  Who has roses already?  James (The Don), Kasey (#EatShit), Chris (pasty).  Who scores a rose from Desiree at the ceremony?
-Bryden (I see BIG THINGS for him now that he knows how to use hair product) 
-Juan Pablo (their make-out seemed hot, despite the popcorn mouth) 
-Zak W. (HOW LONG WILL THIS CHARADE GO ON!? Guy is a joke!) 
-Brooks (a busted finger gets you the sweet 7th rose--ha!) 
-Drew (babyface, had a quiet week) 
-Zack K. (Chuck Taylors still flying under the radar) 
-Brad (he may look like a dumb lug, but now he's a dumb lug with a kid!) 
-Michael (aka Chunky Swayze who kinda needs a haircut) 
-Mikey T (HELL YES! I adore him but I fear that he and Michael are sliding into the Friend Zone) 
-Ben (smug sociopath who everybody hates, including America) 

Who's hopping on the shit train back to Rejectionville? Dan, who never revealed much personality, and Brandon.  Oh Brandon.  Brandon says that his heart is broken ("smashed by a hammer") and straight-up asks Desiree what went wrong.  She responds, "chemistry."  Ouch.  

Next week they posse is heading to America's favorite playground when Las Vegas is just not in the budget, ATLANTIC CITY!!!