Amigos!
We all know that on January 6th, a new season of the franchise that America loves to hate--The Bachelor--will come roaring back with Juan Pablo (who is apparently going by just "Juan" now) in the driver's seat of that train bound for glory (and if not "glory," at least an all expenses pair, televised wedding). But what's more important than Juan and his harem of inevitably long haired ladies?
The fact that I will be back to doing my life's work--writing snarky, rock & roll trivia-filled recaps of every episode--but not on this blog. No, sweet friends. Selena's moving on up in the world. Not moving up to the east side like the Jeffersons. No, I'll be moving from my personal account here on blogger to Huff Post TV.
Yes, my phenomenal recaps will be read by even more Bachelor-addicted, wine-drinking jazzy cats who secretly wish that Chris Harrison would coach them after dates. I'll post the links here just in case any blogger die-hards have a hard time finding their way over to Huff Post TV.
Check out a preview and listen to Juan's sexy accent here.
Showing posts with label Juan Pablo. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Juan Pablo. Show all posts
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Bachelorette Desiree: Finale Recap
Last night, America endured 3 hours of UNPRECEDENTED Bachelorette madness and the finale included everything we love: long, tear-stained walks through the jungle, belly tops, and KISSING!
The episode started off with Chris Harrison in a studio filled with shrieking Bach fans (what he would call residents of "Bachelor Nation") and our fearless host set the scene: the last time we saw Des, she was wearing a belly top and weeping on the end of a pier in Antigua. Then it cut back to Desiree in paradise talking about the Brooks break-up. Desiree rocks a peach dress with turquoise necklace and stares off at either the Caribbean Sea or the Atlantic Ocean, depending on which direction she was facing (though I'd be surprised if Des could see ANYTHING from beneath her fake eyelashes). She's still upset and says that it broke her heart that Brooks doesn't love her. In walks my new favorite therapist, Chris Harrison, and they sit down for a chat. Des holds it together until Chris asks her how she's doing, when she starts crying HARD. Ever the gentleman, Chris stays quiet and lets her cry it out (much like my favorite interventionist from A&E's "Intervention," Jeff VanVonderen. Rest in Peace, Intervention! There's a whole lot of people who love you like crazy, to quote JVV). Chris wisely points out that Des is upset about rejection from by the ONLY guy who held back from her (seriously, Chris Harrison: if you're reading this, you must pursue a life of doling out gentle tough love to women who like a-holes. I'll be your first client!). Des continues with the histrionics, saying that she wants to go home, but within a few minutes she has composed herself and she's ready to move forward. PHEW! Man oh man, that 30 seconds of super weepy Des footage was used EVERYWHERE in ads for this season! And it was over in a moment!
Since Bach is all about formal ceremonies, there WILL be a rose ceremony that day, with 2 roses to hand out and 2 guys showing up. I'm no mathematician, but I think that those are some good odds! There must be something in the water in Antigua, because when Drew and Chris arrive to the rose ceremony they are both looking HOT (maybe it's the suit-no-tie casual look at they both rocked?). The boys line up and Des explains to them that Brooks left of his own volition, then she starts crying. She pulls an Ashley and says that she'll be handing out these two roses, but that if the guys don't want to be there "let me know!" (Why is it that in EVERY Bachelorette season, there's a sense of "thank you for being here--do you really like me?" when in Bachelor seasons, the feeling is always "you're lucky to be here--I'm the decider" ya know? We'll need to go back to Women's Studies 101 to tackle that issue, I know.) So they have the most awkward, overly formal 3 person rose ceremony of all time and--shocker--Drew & Chris both get roses.
Then we are subjected to so much in-studio time wasting. I don't give a rat's ass what these random seat fillers think of all this! What is this, an episode of Donahue!? Get me back to paradise and let the tears FLOW!
Soon we're back in Antigua and Des is getting dressed in a bikini top, then belly top. You know what goes great with a belly top? UNRELENTING TEARS. Put that one in your back pocket, pussycats. Des mounts a horse and meets up with Drew (who is wearing regrettable purple shorts) so that they can ride horses down to the beach and look like the cover of a harlequin romance novel. They get to the beach, sit down for drinks, and in a move that seemed SUPER forced (maybe because he could sense Des pulling away), Drew overdoes it with a toast, saying, "to being madly in love and wanting to be nowhere else." Des then drops the words that NO ONE EVER wants to hear, "I need to talk to you..." and then gurl gets a little harsh, adding, "especially after that." OUCH! Poor man's Katie Holmes is about to drop Drew like the real Katie Holmes dropped T. Cruise! (Only with fewer lawyers and no high heel wearing children involved.) I can speak for Bachelor Nation when I say that we were all BLINDSIDED by this development (and that we should probably secure our borders, recruit an army, develop a national currency--things that any nation must do). Des starts crying again, saying that she'd be so lucky to have Drew in her life and she feels like something is missing with him. Drew stoically takes it all in (like a true 1950s leading man) and responds with such grace and humility, saying that Desiree doesn't have to apologize for not being in love with him. Aww Drew! You are GOOD at getting dumped and I'm sorry for that, sweetheart! Ever the strong man, Drew hugs her goodbye then walks away. He says that he's crushed, confused and now he'll have to start over. Goodbye, sweet pussycat.
The next day, Des and Chris have a date, but Chris Harrison wants us to think that Des might dump him, too, because this shiz is unprecedented and ALL BETS ARE OFF! Desiree rocks a bikini top and flowing skirt (good look) and meets Chris for a day of kissing and canoodling on a catamaran (I hate myself for writing that, but it just flowed out of me). Des says that her feelings were "clouded" because of Brooks, but I think what she means to say is that her first pick isn't there anymore, so congrats Chris--you're getting pulled up from the JV squad and getting put in the game as a starter! Hope you don't mind wearing the old guy's mouthguard & uniform and accepting the nickname "Sloppy Seconds" (too harsh?). I'll admit that Chris and Desiree are goofy and light, whereas Drew and Des were a bit more serious and earnest. That night they make a bunch of candle lit toasts (the jist of which are: Chris thinks he's still in a contest against another guy; Desiree trusts that everything happens for a reason and she got the Heisman from Brooks so that she could notice the guy right under her nose (whose father picks his nose--aww snap we're in some patented Selena double parens! I feel so safe here in this double-walled cocoon!)). Chris says that he wants to meet Desiree's family and I can only guess that he's ignorant of Desiree's loose cannon, mildly special brother who has hand tats. Wait 'till ya meet the family--you might change your mind about all this love stuff, buddy!
Back in the studio (snooze), former Bachelor rejects (oh I mean ALUMS), Jackie, Lesley, and Lindsey from last season are there to speak as Desiree's "friends" and, in a SUPER awkward setup, across the aisle from them sit Sean (their shared ex-BF) & Catherine (his chosen one)! This is more awkward than attending the wedding of a guy you made out with in college (haven't we ALL been there at least once or thrice?). They weigh in on what's happening (who cares) and the only important stuff is this: Lesley is an AWESOME gal, but she is wearing a horrible white, underwire top thing that looks like doooog shiiiiit on her (that one's for you, Katie Compa) and since Lindsay got dumped HARD by Sean (she was in the friggin' top TWO!), she has dyed her hair dark brown and gotten really into eyebrow pencil. We all heal in different ways.
Back in Antigua, Chris meets Desiree's sweet parents and psychopath brother. As soon as he sits down, Nate (crazy bro) starts grilling Chris, asking why Des should choose him, what his first impression of Desiree was, if he felt insecure about the other guys, etc. Chris and Desiree's dad have some 1:1 time, during which Chris asks for permission to propose to Desiree and they shake and hug on it. The next day, Chris sits down with Neil Lane to select the most romantic of depreciating assets: A diamond engagement ring (this phenomenon that is uniquely American and started only in the late 1930s. Read more here and here if you like.) Chris shows that he's feeling anxious and LOVES hyperbole by saying that he's in "uncharted waters and the water is cold." Also, are there sharks? Because it's SHARK WEEK, MOTHER F-ER!!!!
Finally, Desiree is putting on a gorgeous peach dress (mermaid style with sheer overlay pulled over one shoulder--perfection) and she's ready for SOMETHING. ABC keeps teasing us with clips of her saying "I don't know what I'm going to do" but GIVE ME A BREAK, Bach. As if she's going to walk away from all this and create an OKCupid account. She's getting engaged come hell, high water, or crazy brother. Desiree takes her mark on a cliffside structure and Chris arrives with ring in box in hand. They come together and Chris starts talking first, which seemed like an immediate mistake, but whatevs. He talks through all of their happy memories and travels and drops the worst romantic cliche in the world, "you make me want to be a better person." (Seriously, where did that one come from? It's SO overused and if its origin is from "Jerry McGuire" I might lose my mind because I hate T. Cruise--can you tell?) He goes to get down on one knee, but Desiree stops him! Aww snap kid, you think you're getting NEGGED! Hold back the tears!
She explains the curve ball, saying how upset she was when Brooks left, that she already sent Drew home, and that Chris was the only guy who met her family. She says that she was so blindsided by Brooks that she couldn't see how great Chris is (which is nice, I guess... but also feels a lil like a speech for a 2nd banana). Des finally says "I love you," they kiss, and then he gets down on his knee and proposes to her. We get a SWEEPING crane shot (and as I told my Twitter peeps, EVERY engagement looks beautiful when shown by sweeping crane shot, am I right? Follow me at @SelenaCoppock. I'm more shameless than that song by Garth Brooks!) then Des doe a final rose ceremony, plus we watch a montage of their dates.
BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE!! I know, I know--I was like, "UNCLE! I give up! You guys are in love! I can't handle it anymore!" but Chris Harrison wouldn't relent. ABC sent us straight into the After the Final Rose episode even though we were overstuffed already.
Des comes out in a sparkly, white dress and chats with Chris Harrison about her journey. Chris asks her how she got through the heartbreak and my roommate and I screamed, "she was going to marry SOMEBODY!" Truth. Des admits that she liked the chase of Brooks (spoken like a 10th grade girl) and he comes out in a plaid suit with shorter hair, a short beard, and a tie pin. (Honestly, we saw MAD TIE PINS this season! Those things are making a comeback and mama likes it!) Brooks continues to be boring and unemotional and congratulates Desiree on her engagement news.
Next, Drew comes out in a blue, 3 piece suit and he asks if he could have done anything differently. He's as sweet and pragmatic as always, saying that love has to be mutual and that he fell in love with Des, it changed his life, and he has no hard feelings. Such a class act.
Last but not least, Chris comes out (in a suit and TIE PIN) and we watch Des and Chris watch their own proposal (holy self indulgence, Batman!). Then Chris gives Desiree a poem titled "My Girl" that is framed by dried rose petals (from their ceremonies) and is terrible.
But Chris Harrison knows what Bachelor Nation wants (a democratically elected president?): TO KNOW WHO THE NEXT BACHELOR WILL BE! Yes, the televised romance train must keep on moving and consume my life for another 3 months. Who will be making potential mates cry next season? JUAN PABLO! I gotta admit I love this pick--he's humble, from Venezuela (so he's hot, obvs), easygoing, and a single father to a delightful daughter. The fact that Bach producers picked Juan Pablo as their next Bachelor (and not smarmy, ambitious wanna-be Bachelors like Ben or James) shows that picking the Bach is just like sorority rush: if you want it too badly and push too hard, you won't get it.
What did you guys think of last night's finale, dear readers? Share in the comments!
The episode started off with Chris Harrison in a studio filled with shrieking Bach fans (what he would call residents of "Bachelor Nation") and our fearless host set the scene: the last time we saw Des, she was wearing a belly top and weeping on the end of a pier in Antigua. Then it cut back to Desiree in paradise talking about the Brooks break-up. Desiree rocks a peach dress with turquoise necklace and stares off at either the Caribbean Sea or the Atlantic Ocean, depending on which direction she was facing (though I'd be surprised if Des could see ANYTHING from beneath her fake eyelashes). She's still upset and says that it broke her heart that Brooks doesn't love her. In walks my new favorite therapist, Chris Harrison, and they sit down for a chat. Des holds it together until Chris asks her how she's doing, when she starts crying HARD. Ever the gentleman, Chris stays quiet and lets her cry it out (much like my favorite interventionist from A&E's "Intervention," Jeff VanVonderen. Rest in Peace, Intervention! There's a whole lot of people who love you like crazy, to quote JVV). Chris wisely points out that Des is upset about rejection from by the ONLY guy who held back from her (seriously, Chris Harrison: if you're reading this, you must pursue a life of doling out gentle tough love to women who like a-holes. I'll be your first client!). Des continues with the histrionics, saying that she wants to go home, but within a few minutes she has composed herself and she's ready to move forward. PHEW! Man oh man, that 30 seconds of super weepy Des footage was used EVERYWHERE in ads for this season! And it was over in a moment!
Since Bach is all about formal ceremonies, there WILL be a rose ceremony that day, with 2 roses to hand out and 2 guys showing up. I'm no mathematician, but I think that those are some good odds! There must be something in the water in Antigua, because when Drew and Chris arrive to the rose ceremony they are both looking HOT (maybe it's the suit-no-tie casual look at they both rocked?). The boys line up and Des explains to them that Brooks left of his own volition, then she starts crying. She pulls an Ashley and says that she'll be handing out these two roses, but that if the guys don't want to be there "let me know!" (Why is it that in EVERY Bachelorette season, there's a sense of "thank you for being here--do you really like me?" when in Bachelor seasons, the feeling is always "you're lucky to be here--I'm the decider" ya know? We'll need to go back to Women's Studies 101 to tackle that issue, I know.) So they have the most awkward, overly formal 3 person rose ceremony of all time and--shocker--Drew & Chris both get roses.
Then we are subjected to so much in-studio time wasting. I don't give a rat's ass what these random seat fillers think of all this! What is this, an episode of Donahue!? Get me back to paradise and let the tears FLOW!
Soon we're back in Antigua and Des is getting dressed in a bikini top, then belly top. You know what goes great with a belly top? UNRELENTING TEARS. Put that one in your back pocket, pussycats. Des mounts a horse and meets up with Drew (who is wearing regrettable purple shorts) so that they can ride horses down to the beach and look like the cover of a harlequin romance novel. They get to the beach, sit down for drinks, and in a move that seemed SUPER forced (maybe because he could sense Des pulling away), Drew overdoes it with a toast, saying, "to being madly in love and wanting to be nowhere else." Des then drops the words that NO ONE EVER wants to hear, "I need to talk to you..." and then gurl gets a little harsh, adding, "especially after that." OUCH! Poor man's Katie Holmes is about to drop Drew like the real Katie Holmes dropped T. Cruise! (Only with fewer lawyers and no high heel wearing children involved.) I can speak for Bachelor Nation when I say that we were all BLINDSIDED by this development (and that we should probably secure our borders, recruit an army, develop a national currency--things that any nation must do). Des starts crying again, saying that she'd be so lucky to have Drew in her life and she feels like something is missing with him. Drew stoically takes it all in (like a true 1950s leading man) and responds with such grace and humility, saying that Desiree doesn't have to apologize for not being in love with him. Aww Drew! You are GOOD at getting dumped and I'm sorry for that, sweetheart! Ever the strong man, Drew hugs her goodbye then walks away. He says that he's crushed, confused and now he'll have to start over. Goodbye, sweet pussycat.
The next day, Des and Chris have a date, but Chris Harrison wants us to think that Des might dump him, too, because this shiz is unprecedented and ALL BETS ARE OFF! Desiree rocks a bikini top and flowing skirt (good look) and meets Chris for a day of kissing and canoodling on a catamaran (I hate myself for writing that, but it just flowed out of me). Des says that her feelings were "clouded" because of Brooks, but I think what she means to say is that her first pick isn't there anymore, so congrats Chris--you're getting pulled up from the JV squad and getting put in the game as a starter! Hope you don't mind wearing the old guy's mouthguard & uniform and accepting the nickname "Sloppy Seconds" (too harsh?). I'll admit that Chris and Desiree are goofy and light, whereas Drew and Des were a bit more serious and earnest. That night they make a bunch of candle lit toasts (the jist of which are: Chris thinks he's still in a contest against another guy; Desiree trusts that everything happens for a reason and she got the Heisman from Brooks so that she could notice the guy right under her nose (whose father picks his nose--aww snap we're in some patented Selena double parens! I feel so safe here in this double-walled cocoon!)). Chris says that he wants to meet Desiree's family and I can only guess that he's ignorant of Desiree's loose cannon, mildly special brother who has hand tats. Wait 'till ya meet the family--you might change your mind about all this love stuff, buddy!
Back in the studio (snooze), former Bachelor rejects (oh I mean ALUMS), Jackie, Lesley, and Lindsey from last season are there to speak as Desiree's "friends" and, in a SUPER awkward setup, across the aisle from them sit Sean (their shared ex-BF) & Catherine (his chosen one)! This is more awkward than attending the wedding of a guy you made out with in college (haven't we ALL been there at least once or thrice?). They weigh in on what's happening (who cares) and the only important stuff is this: Lesley is an AWESOME gal, but she is wearing a horrible white, underwire top thing that looks like doooog shiiiiit on her (that one's for you, Katie Compa) and since Lindsay got dumped HARD by Sean (she was in the friggin' top TWO!), she has dyed her hair dark brown and gotten really into eyebrow pencil. We all heal in different ways.
Back in Antigua, Chris meets Desiree's sweet parents and psychopath brother. As soon as he sits down, Nate (crazy bro) starts grilling Chris, asking why Des should choose him, what his first impression of Desiree was, if he felt insecure about the other guys, etc. Chris and Desiree's dad have some 1:1 time, during which Chris asks for permission to propose to Desiree and they shake and hug on it. The next day, Chris sits down with Neil Lane to select the most romantic of depreciating assets: A diamond engagement ring (this phenomenon that is uniquely American and started only in the late 1930s. Read more here and here if you like.) Chris shows that he's feeling anxious and LOVES hyperbole by saying that he's in "uncharted waters and the water is cold." Also, are there sharks? Because it's SHARK WEEK, MOTHER F-ER!!!!
Finally, Desiree is putting on a gorgeous peach dress (mermaid style with sheer overlay pulled over one shoulder--perfection) and she's ready for SOMETHING. ABC keeps teasing us with clips of her saying "I don't know what I'm going to do" but GIVE ME A BREAK, Bach. As if she's going to walk away from all this and create an OKCupid account. She's getting engaged come hell, high water, or crazy brother. Desiree takes her mark on a cliffside structure and Chris arrives with ring in box in hand. They come together and Chris starts talking first, which seemed like an immediate mistake, but whatevs. He talks through all of their happy memories and travels and drops the worst romantic cliche in the world, "you make me want to be a better person." (Seriously, where did that one come from? It's SO overused and if its origin is from "Jerry McGuire" I might lose my mind because I hate T. Cruise--can you tell?) He goes to get down on one knee, but Desiree stops him! Aww snap kid, you think you're getting NEGGED! Hold back the tears!
She explains the curve ball, saying how upset she was when Brooks left, that she already sent Drew home, and that Chris was the only guy who met her family. She says that she was so blindsided by Brooks that she couldn't see how great Chris is (which is nice, I guess... but also feels a lil like a speech for a 2nd banana). Des finally says "I love you," they kiss, and then he gets down on his knee and proposes to her. We get a SWEEPING crane shot (and as I told my Twitter peeps, EVERY engagement looks beautiful when shown by sweeping crane shot, am I right? Follow me at @SelenaCoppock. I'm more shameless than that song by Garth Brooks!) then Des doe a final rose ceremony, plus we watch a montage of their dates.
BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE!! I know, I know--I was like, "UNCLE! I give up! You guys are in love! I can't handle it anymore!" but Chris Harrison wouldn't relent. ABC sent us straight into the After the Final Rose episode even though we were overstuffed already.
Des comes out in a sparkly, white dress and chats with Chris Harrison about her journey. Chris asks her how she got through the heartbreak and my roommate and I screamed, "she was going to marry SOMEBODY!" Truth. Des admits that she liked the chase of Brooks (spoken like a 10th grade girl) and he comes out in a plaid suit with shorter hair, a short beard, and a tie pin. (Honestly, we saw MAD TIE PINS this season! Those things are making a comeback and mama likes it!) Brooks continues to be boring and unemotional and congratulates Desiree on her engagement news.
Next, Drew comes out in a blue, 3 piece suit and he asks if he could have done anything differently. He's as sweet and pragmatic as always, saying that love has to be mutual and that he fell in love with Des, it changed his life, and he has no hard feelings. Such a class act.
Last but not least, Chris comes out (in a suit and TIE PIN) and we watch Des and Chris watch their own proposal (holy self indulgence, Batman!). Then Chris gives Desiree a poem titled "My Girl" that is framed by dried rose petals (from their ceremonies) and is terrible.
But Chris Harrison knows what Bachelor Nation wants (a democratically elected president?): TO KNOW WHO THE NEXT BACHELOR WILL BE! Yes, the televised romance train must keep on moving and consume my life for another 3 months. Who will be making potential mates cry next season? JUAN PABLO! I gotta admit I love this pick--he's humble, from Venezuela (so he's hot, obvs), easygoing, and a single father to a delightful daughter. The fact that Bach producers picked Juan Pablo as their next Bachelor (and not smarmy, ambitious wanna-be Bachelors like Ben or James) shows that picking the Bach is just like sorority rush: if you want it too badly and push too hard, you won't get it.
What did you guys think of last night's finale, dear readers? Share in the comments!
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Bachelorette Desiree: Men Tell All Recap
Monday night was the standard episode that is always "Bachelor Nation's FAVORITE episode" (if you believe Chris Harrison) or "an episode that is usually pretty fun" (if you believe everyone else in the world): THE MEN TELL ALL!
As a (less than) proud member of Bachelor Nation (#TheWorst), I tuned in to see if the "Tell All" episode was like every "Tell All" episode before it and yes, it was, in that every guy was tan, trim, and well-coiffed; there were some not-so-familiar faces (even Chunky Swayze zinged Jonathan for being one of those forgettable losers); and some smug mugs that we'd rather forget (sociopath father Ben, to be specific).
But the REAL winner in last night's episode? The overly expressive audience. Those ladies were working HARD for their $100 extra stipend and flexing those facial muscles with wild abandon. They captured every expression: disappointment (at James' "explanation" of why he's not ashamed to be a fame whore), shock (at Ben's insistence that he was "sooo judged!"), and elated (at every G-D word out of Juan Pablo's mouth). Check out this lady below, she is noooot believing a word she is hearing!!
As a (less than) proud member of Bachelor Nation (#TheWorst), I tuned in to see if the "Tell All" episode was like every "Tell All" episode before it and yes, it was, in that every guy was tan, trim, and well-coiffed; there were some not-so-familiar faces (even Chunky Swayze zinged Jonathan for being one of those forgettable losers); and some smug mugs that we'd rather forget (sociopath father Ben, to be specific).
But the REAL winner in last night's episode? The overly expressive audience. Those ladies were working HARD for their $100 extra stipend and flexing those facial muscles with wild abandon. They captured every expression: disappointment (at James' "explanation" of why he's not ashamed to be a fame whore), shock (at Ben's insistence that he was "sooo judged!"), and elated (at every G-D word out of Juan Pablo's mouth). Check out this lady below, she is noooot believing a word she is hearing!!
And look at these gals below: the one on the left is about to sneeze (an allergic reaction to how much Zak W. suuuucks and is a corny assed cheesedick) and the one on the right is a spooky psychopath who knows that Ben's baby mama bumped into Dan (I know, who the EFF is THAT guy? Oh, the one who looks like a Ken doll with dark hair and works in beverage distribution? WHATEVZZZZ!!) in Vegas and spilled mad beans about the fact that Ben had a friggity whack girlfriend when he got the baby mama pregnant! Snaaaaaap!
But seriously, folks (OMG don't you hate it when old timey standups use that as a transitional phrase? I DO!), there was some drama last night and, as usual, Chris Harrison had some fantastic punchlines.
At the start of the episode, Desiree and Chris crashed some Bachelor viewing parties and we learned an important lesson: that EVERYONE in America watches The Bachelorette while drinking wine out of extra large goblets that look like props from Cougartown (SUCH an underrated show!). For their NYC-based party crashing they were joined by Bach alums Ashley and JP, Jason and Molly (and their baby), and Trista. What a community that Bachelor franchise is! It's like the least exclusive Country Club in America. Desiree says that she loves seeing that all of these people are watching the show and "rooting for her." Oh gurl, we're not rooting for you so much as laughing at the idiotic dudes.
Then Desiree sits down for some girl talk (and period-synching) with her BFFs Ashley, Ali, and Emily. Because being on The Bach is like joining Scientology: YOU MAY ONLY BE FRIENDS WITH FELLOW BELIEVERS!! Ali's hair looks grey (get some warmer tones in your weave, gurl), Emily's hair is sweet perfection (of course), and Ashley barely says a word (and has brown hair, poor thing).
Finally, it's time to trot out the rejects and hope that America remembers them/gives a rat's ass. Who's in the studio?
Robert (spin sign inventor/tool), Dan (dark haired Ken doll who apparently roams around Vegas talking to the exes of other Bach rejects), Nick (has a mole and that's all she wrote), Brad (had a kid and a restraining order taken out on him BUT JUST GIVE HIM A CHANCE!), Jonathan (lawyer who was super drunk and creepy on that first night), Bryden (Iraq War vet who doesn't look as hot as he seemed before), Brandon (guy who was really intense and had major family problems--but his hair is longer now!), Will (Chicago banker who should link up with Mikey and James for some Bach Chicagoland domination), Zack K. (Chuck Taylors), James (The Don), Ben (a father and a Christian who never called his son during the show and didn't attend church on Easter--I've been listening to too much Chunky Swayze and it's turning me all LAWYERY!), Mikey T. (who looks HOT and is wearing NO SOCKS!), Juan Pablo (who has a cheering section in the audience), Kasey (#OMGIhateyou), Michael G. (Chunky Swayze who seems to have grown bushier eyebrows while recovering from his broken heart), and Zak W. (whose entire existence feels like a joke).
Everyone in the studio watches a montage of clips that summarize the season: James saying "F you" to a line-up of guys ("spraying the room" as Chris Harrison put it), Ben being creepy and lying to every guy while wearing a ridiculous tank top, Zak being overly bronzed and shirtless, general smack-talk. There is nothing more enjoyable than witnessing a guy call another guy a "piece of shit" in a montage that they are both watching while seated right near each other. It's truly delightful.
Bryan (the guy who isn't even very hot and had a girlfriend while he was on the show) opted not to attend the taping, so the guys run roughshod over him and Chris Harrison encourages it. Awesome.
Ben is the first guy to get in the hot seat and Chris says that things started off so well (when he first emerged from the limo with his sweet son), but then "after night 1, everything went downhill." I love that Chris said, in so many words, that the minute Ben opened his mouth, he was doomed. TRUTH! Ben says that it was really hard for him to watch his "girlfriend" date other men (umm... that's a shared experience by everyone in the house, moron--you're NOT special) and that he feels judged. Maybe because you judged ALL of the other guys as unworthy of your friendship or respect on day 1, Ben. Ben bangs the drum of being a good father and Zak shuts him up by saying that Ben NEVER mentioned his son, while Juan Pablo mentioned his daughter all the time. SHUT IT, Dixieland American Psycho!
Up next, James (The Don) attempts to convince Bachelor Nation (I'm trapped within its grasp!) that he really cared about Desiree, despite the fact that I bet if you asked him for his favorite thing about her, he's say, "ummmm... brown hair?" Chris grills him about the alleged "If I make it to the top 4, I could be the next Bachelor" comment and he seems to blame Mikey for it (is there trouble within their sockless crew?). Mikey chimes in and explains that they weren't plotting anything--they simply felt that Desiree liked other types of guys better (seems to be true) and they were accepting that perhaps she didn't like them, and what would come next. Mikey explains himself well and James continues to look like a scheming a-hole. This was when we saw some SHOCKED faces from the crowd. (Ladies in the audience: you're SHOCKED that two jacked, conventionally handsome guys are insufferable jerks? Have you ever been to a bar on a Saturday night?)
Then Juan Pablo gets in the hot seat where he charms the pants off of America (ferreal) with his friendly demeanor, confidence, and good looks. Do I smell an international soccer star Bachelor up next?
Then, it's the moment that none of us have been waiting for: Zak W's time in the hot seat. He looks exhausted and like he has been clocking extra hours at the spray tan salon. But I'll admit, he makes some very relatable, heart-wrenching comments about being single when most of your peer group is not. Come on Zak--don't make me feel bad about mercilessly mocking you for all these weeks! It's what I DO!
Finally, Desiree comes out in a cute, gold dress and faces her reject harem. Chris Harrison asks her if she had any "nerves" and she says no, she had anxiety about this event. GURL. Those are the same thing. You are an idiot, but that dress DOES look great on you. Chris makes a comment about "bad boys" to which Des replies, "whatcha gonna do?" and Chris gives her NOTHING because he's NOT a fan of Inner Circle (yes, that's the name of the wordsmith's who crafted those genius lyrics) or outdated jokes. A flood of apologies commence: Jonathan apologizes for being a creep on the first night; Chunky Swayze admits that he played the lawyer card too intensely. Desiree says that James manipulated her and James make a comment that effectively breaks the first rule of Reality TV Club: don't talk about reality TV club! Juan Pablo asks her why he never got a 1:1 date and then winks at her (#swoon #NoSnark #ICanBeGenuineOccasionally). And what episode would be complete without Zak making an ass of himself? He says, "I think I have something to say..." then pulls out his guitar and plays a song he wrote. Oh Zak, you were the guy who knew Dave Matthews Band songs on the guitar in college, weren't you? The guy who was like, "ladies LOVE it when I sing to them" while everyone was actually mocking you privately. Have your swan song and get back to the oil fields, buddy.
And before we knew it (120 long minutes later), the episode was over with Chris Harrison's promise that next week will be the MOST emotionally intense Bachelorette finale EVER! I can't decide if the producers are messing with us (and making it seem like something goes VERY wrong at the end) or if it's just tricky editing and things will play out in a pretty standard way (with Des rejecting the first guy to arrive at the proposal site then, choosing the most boring guy--likely Brooks--and breaking up with him within months, then entering into a life of D list "celebrity" status). We'll find out soon!
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