Bachelor Colton: Ep 3: Pageant Girl Dramz

Hey lovers!

I just finished watching The Bachelor and, in the interest of getting this post up sooner than later (the past 2 haven't gone up until Thursday and I'm so ashamed!), I'm going to try and hit the high level topics and not do as much rambling as I normally do.

The episode opens with a reminder that there are some pairs of ladies who do NOT get along in the house: Tracy vs. Demi, Sydney vs. Onyeka, Caelyn vs. Alabama Hannah. And this sets the tone for the episode.

This week there will be 3 dates: 2 group dates and a 1:1.

The first group date is a pirate show in downtown LA and the gang is Katie, Heather (who is a Jerry Hall look-alike and it FINALLY occurred to me), Alabama Hanna, Courtney, Kirpa, Tracy, Demi, and Caelyn. So within that group of 8, we have 2 pairs of women who are not getting along. These producers are smart/shameless!

The gals arrive to the venue looking like an ATHLETA catalogue come-to-life and Colton does a bizarro pirate show, then puts the ladies through pirate training, which is a 2 step process: put on a slutty Pirate outfit then perform challenges pulled straight out of American Gladiator. Ummm OK.

Hannah hates watching Caelyn flirt with Colton, going so far as to say, "the Hannah monster is going to come out" and HOO BOY I cannot tell if Alabama Hannah is sort of a maniac OR she is just getting a BAD edit from these TV show magicians and she's actually a perfectly normal girl who just tends to say strange things that make for bonkers sound bites.

That night, at the post-pirate show afterparty, Colton makes a toast to the women saying, "it's really cool to see all of your personalities come out" as if this the ladies are a bunch of literal babies.

Katie (rocking a sharp, silver dress that contrasts her skin beautifully) is like a sleeper cell. She and Colton are SO cute with each other and I don't think that anyone else in the house fully sees how much Colton vibes with Katie.

Demi wears a chintzy, light blue, lace cocktail dress and interrupts Courtney's (Georgia Peach) time with Colton so that she can lead him to an isolated area, blindfold him, and paddle him (dear reader, how I wish I were kidding about all of this) THEN she somehow gets her hands on a fake, wooden hand (WTF is going on here!?) and uses that hand to touch down his torso almost to his "chank" as the kids call it (well, THIS kid calls it that). That whole thing was BIZARRE. Before Demi started touching Colton intimately without asking, she swore a few times, saying "I just want to F you" or something like that. This BOLD THIRSTINESS is NOT a good look, but Demi is too immature to see that.

When Demi returns to the ladies, Courtney very calmly comments on Demi's tone in conversation and Demi SNAPS at her and then whines about how the women are intimidated by her confidence. She spouts off about how untouchable she is and WOWIE ZOWIE it's like watching a blonde, skinnier Tierra (from Sean Lowe's season) in that Demi is SO CONFIDENT when we can all clearly see that the dude has almost NO interest in her. At best, he finds her mildly entertaining, at worst, producers are forcing him to keep her around. Mark my words: she is NOT a contender.

The Caelyn/Alabama Hannah tension BREAKS OUT and my theory is this: Caelyn is actually the bad guy here and she's a Mean Girl but no one suspects it because she is very poised, but SHE is throwing Hannah under the bus and Colton doesn't know quite WHO is the kookoo bird because Hannah isn't quite as poised or calm, so SHE seems like the one who is lying and is manipulative and deceptive, when in fact, THAT person is Caelyn.

Watching Caelyn and Colton vibe has got Hannah "BEFUMBLED" and by that word, I assume she means "bewildered." Hannah unwisely spends her limited alone time with Colton trying to warn Colton that Caelyn is a bad person, but she literally mostly just LOOKS at him and says that the pageant environment was high stress and hostile, then Colton fills in the rest, literally saying, "is she mean? Manipulative? Fake?" and Hannah just smirks back. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!? Colton seems like he does NOT want this drama, but then he is REALLY wading into it.

Hannah leaves their alone time feeling like shit and Bachelor Nation doesn't know who to believe!!

Colton immediately confronts Caelyn about it and she gets teary-eyed, says that there were real, major issues with that ("real life shit") and starts crying a bit and saying that she didn't want to speak about it this early and I TRULY DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE!! Meanwhile, Hannah is very foolish to, essentially, drop an ultimatum on Colton by saying that if he likes Caelyn, he can't like her. Ladies have used this line before (remember when Ali dropped it on Jake Pavelka with regard to Vienna? God my brain is ROTTEN with Bachelor references) and it is NEVER a good call. Also, it is too early in the season for ANY type of ultimatum!! Come on! Leave that shit for hometowns!!

Colton is tired of the Hannah/Caelyn drama and it's only just begun! 

The next day, Caelyn does something whistle stop tour for the hearts and minds of the other contestants, telling many assembled ladies that she can't stop crying, she can't sleep, she's shaking, but wait, WHAT IS IT ALL ABOUT? Can SOMEONE please get specific? Literally, all we know is they had a falling out and SOMEONE is deceptive and manipulative?? HUH?? Could I get a real example of this behavior? Unspecific, vague drama is the worst kind of drama.

The next day, proud member of the "Cougar Den," Elyse (redhead, 31) rocks a cute blouse, tight pants, and heels for a day with Colton. They hop a limo to a helicopter to Belmont Park, San Diego for a day at an amusement park with a gang of the CUTEST kiddos! I could NOT get over how sweet those tykes were. The day was VERY cute and completely exhausting.

We learn that Colton's cousin was born with Cystic Fibrosis and that inspired his charity and later in the date we learn that Elyse's sister died from complications in her 2nd pregnancy and because of that, her family started a foundation to "turn darkness into goodness" and WOW these people are sexy as hell AND philanthropy-minded and I've never felt more lazy and ugly. JK JK!

Elyse's story about her late sister was a heartbreaker and speaks to the way that women are often seen solely as incubators and the medical establishment seems to prioritize the health of a fetus over a LIVING woman who is already here and has clocked in 20-30 years on this planet. It's great that Elyse's family has this wonderful 2nd baby, but I'm sure she misses her sister like crazy! What a story.

Colton gives Elyse the rose and then takes her into a theater where country singer Tenille Arts (huh? I am INTO country music and I was still wondering, is that the name of a singer or a performing arts foundation?) is belting a song so that the couple can stand up on a tiny stage, make out, and be photographed by iPhone-addicted strangers.

The next day is a group date the makes a Tough Mudder look like a walk in the park and the crew is Tayshia, Nina, Catherine, Sydney, Onyeka, Cassie, Nicole, and Caitlin. Again, the ladies are done up in athleisure wear and Bachelor Nation catches some CHOICE images of a shirtless Colton rolling a giant tire and doing push ups. As Miami spitfire Nicole would say, "gracias papi!"

The date is a day at the gym being trained by Terry Crews and his wife Rebecca Crews! OMG Terry Crews is such a gem—literally, his take on EVERYthing lately is so right. Toxic masculinity, boundaries, gender norms—Terry Crews talks about all of it and is on the right side of history! The ladies all workout and Sydney aces the day because she's a dancer and is active. Nicole struggles because she considers dog walking to be a workout, and the day climaxes with a "Strongest Woman Competition."

The competition includes some intense exercises: pushing a 100 pound wedding cake on a cart down a lane, flipping a 150 pound tire down a lane, pulling a limo on your back (they MUST have taken the  engine out, right?) and Sydney, Catherine, and Onyeka do the best, then Onyeka wins the whole shebang and I gotta say, commercial realtor/DJ Catherine REALLY surprised me on this one.

That night, everyone is dressed up (and, no doubt, sore as hell) and Colton makes a toast to strong, confident women because The Bachelor knows how to leverage popular themes that are currently in the zeitgeist. In their chats, Caitlin (Canadian girl who hasn't done much this season) makes a comment about feeling pressure and Catherine (realtor/DJ/Florida in a nutshell) makes a comment about how you shouldn't feel pressure—the connection is simply there or it's not and while I get what she means, that comment reminded me of the sort of lazy defeatism of Juan Pablo. Anyone else?

I'm sure producers included that quote, though, as a foreshadowing to Caitlin's alone time with Colton which was HARD TO WATCH!! I haven't seen someone bring LESS to the table since the time that I ordered a white wine and the waiter forgot to BRING IT TO THE TABLE! (ZIIIING!) Colton is a jovial guy and seems VERY easy to make conversation with, but Caitlin can't seem to figure out how to talk! This is the SECOND time this season that a good-looking girl dropping in bronzer has been dumbstruck around Colton. Caitlin looks gorgeous in bright red pants, a white bra top thing, and cute jewelry but she can't get a conversation going! She says that she doesn't have anything in her life that would make her stand out (perhaps a reaction to Producer prodding?) and that is fine, but Caitlin, do you have maybe some HOBBIES or OPINIONS or funny things that have ever happened to you in your life? It was bonkers to watch someone fail SO hard at simply making conversation!

Colton tries a few times to draw her out or get her to SAY something interesting, but she cannot and the chemistry is simply NOT there, so he wastes no time, saying, "I just don't think that you are for me... so I would like to walk you out" and I give him credit. Don't waste her time and there are some people who you just don't vibe with and that's OK.  Caitlin seems stunned, asks him to please NOT hold her hand, and wonders if he will regret this decision later on. Probably not. Bye, girl.

Nicole and Colton smooch and he assures her that he can tell how much she cares, then she says, "gracias, Papi" which was equal parts bizarre and sexy. Colton and Onyeka have fun alone time but are they stuck in the friend zone? Nicole scores the group date rose and all the ladies are stunned that Caitlin was sent home so abruptly. 

The next day is a pool party for the ladies and Colton and in typical Demi style, as soon as Colton arrives to the house, she commands him to strip down and sprays him with oil. Giiiirl. I know that you think this "super pushy dominant" thing is sexy but it's just sad and thisty. Try a slower burn—trust me.

Blonde Hannah (first date rose) have 1:1 time because she didn't have any dates this week and he assures her that he's into her (and he's using a standard strategy: keep the ones you really like on the group dates, in the mix, then put on the gas later on).

The Alabama Hannah/Caelyn/Colton love triangle becomes a real DEVIL'S TRIANGLE (hahhah ahhh Brett Kavanaugh is a monster and a supreme court justice! Random aside) and Colton spends most of the sunny afternoon toggling between conversations with Caelyn and Hannah. Again, it's a ton of vague comments about which one of them is fake and deceptive and which one is not. Caelyn paints it as Hannah being jealous of her success in the Miss USA pageant (Caelyn was runner-up) but that strikes me as almost too easy/poetic. I think that I'm Team Alabama Hannah because Caelyn is full of shit.

That night it's rose ceremony time and a few gals already have roses: Nicole (Miami gal), Elyse (redheaded "cougar"), and Caelyn (whose dress resembles a VCR box circa 1989). The assembled ladies are looking gorgeous in an assortment of rompers and I LOVE that trend so much. Who scores a rose?

-Hannah G: first impression rose. White girl with blonde hair, very cute, rocking a black romper.
-Tayshia: Black girl who made a great impression on the last group date, has great taste in interesting necklines on her dresses/blouses.
-Katie: Black girl with her hair down, super sequin cocktail dress. Sleeper cell, baby!
-Cassie: White girl with blonde hair who could stand to use a lil volumizer. I relate to having thin hair! Cassie, I am here to help!
-Kirpa: Indian girl who seems easygoing, agreeable. Gorgeous look in her royal blue dress, showing a lil cleavage.
-Sydney: Asian girl who got some GOOD stretching done with Colton on the group date. I love her taste in dresses—so many dramatic cut-outs, modern looks.
-Demi: White lady with blonde hair who is both thirsty and corny ("thorny"?) and responds to Colton's rose with "I am ecstatic to accept this rose." CALM DOWN, girl.
-Tracy: Brunette Cougar Town, baby! I dig her more than I thought I would and her dramatic maroon dress is showing off both cleavage AND side-boob. More is more!
-Courtney: Black girl with long hair who always looks gorgeous (to the point that I wonder if she sleeps in fake eyelashes) rocking a stunning red dress.
-Heather: White girl with long, platinum hair who is sporting a royal blue romper and serving Jerry Hall realness.

I mean, don't you see it?

-Onyeka: Black girl with a jewelry box full of stunning earrings wearing a bold, red dress.
-Alabama Hannah: White girl with brown/blonde hair in the the last spot because producers love a dramatic storyline. She's wearing a baby pink romper with interesting neckline and I fear that the Caelyn drama will eat her alive.

So who is leaving the Bachelor Manse? 3 BLONDES!! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT!? LITERALLY I FEEL LIKE I AM LIVING IN CRAZY TOWN!

Said blondes are:
-Bri: White girl, knockout model who is truly STUNNING to look at but perhaps doesn't have much personality? I mean, you look at her and you're like, "how do you exist, you are SO frigging beautiful?" but Colton is sending her packing. Even hotties get their hearts broken.
-Nina: White girl with blonde hair from Croatia who didn't show us much of who she is and didn't seem to connect with Colton, so not a big surprise.
-Catherine: White girl with blonde hair from Florida (the infamous commercial realtor/DJ) who came into the season guns blazing and left with a wimper. Man, you never can tell, huh? She seemed contrarian to be contrarian which I find tiresome as hell and I suspect that she was lying about her age and pumped full of fillers BUT she had great taste in clothes, I must admit. On her final night she wore a BOLD, yellow dress and I give her credit—few white women with blonde hair can pull off yellow.

Next week we travel to Singapore and Hannah continues to get a bad edit. TUNE IN!

Bachelorette Becca: Ep 7: A Man Bun Gets Snipped, Plus a Leopard Print Lover

Monday night we had our 7th episode of The Bachelorette and we finally went somewhere tropical--the Bahamas! Bring on the dumb conch shell jokes and innuendo, boys!

Becca has 6 suitors and will be snipping 2 in The Bahamas (like that old Andy Dick reality TV show, The Assistant--not "snipping" like surgery) and then next week is HOMETOWNS! Gosh--how are we already here!? This week we had a lotta bikinis and Becca even layered a white bikini beneath a yellow shirt in a group date--a girl after my own heart!

Chris Harrison and Becca have a chat and Becca is excited for a week with NO DRAMA. I hear you, Mary J. Blige!  Now that Chris, David, and Jordan are gone, I don't think we'll have any drama and I'm glad.



Maybe it was the angle Chris Harrison was sitting at, but I had a moment of wondering if perhaps he has had a face lift recently.  Just me?

The dudes are chilling out in their hotel room when Becca visits them to kick off the week of dates. There will be 4 dates total: 3 one-on-ones and a group date. No rose ceremony.

Colton gets the first 1:1 and he's got to share the news that he's a virgin. I'm almost surprised that this didn't come up earlier in the season. But I suppose it speaks to the double standards for male sexuality vs. female sexuality (and a touch of ageism). When a girl is a virgin, she tends to share it early in the season and it's often seen as a good thing, but Colton is self-conscious and admits that in the past, he evaded questions about it or lied. I'm sure he felt like he had to in macho locker room settings--especially with playing professional football.  Nonetheless, it seems like a sorta big thing to drop this late in the game, no?

Their date is a day canoodling on a catamaran (rich people word for "big boat"), making out while precariously perched on the bow of said boat, and going conch shell fishing which looks like a LOT of work.  Their conch shell expert is a friendly guy need Action Pack and he is FULL of sexual jokes about the conch shell as an aphrodisiac. Oh Producers--we see your fingerprints all over the virgin's date.

Can we talk about Becca's bikini!? A cute orange hue with such an interesting neckline! It was like the neckline of a fancy, off-the-shoulder dress, yet it was a bikini! The best of both worlds, man!  I discovered a website that hunts down your favorite reality TV clothes and oh man my bank account will never be the same.  They have a whole write-up about this orange bikini here! 

Isn't it such a cute bikini?
Even if the model on the right looks like a dead body propped upright--it's still a cool neckline! 

That night Colton rocks a pink button down and Becca looks lovely in a sparkly cocktail dress with a panel down the cleavage. They toast and begin discussing hometown dates and family and Colton finally says that he has something to say. HOO BOY it seemed like Becca was bracing herself for hearing about a long lost set of kids that he had stowed away somewhere.

Colton talks about how, for so long he focused on Football Colton and not Personal Colton and somehow, Football Colton never got his dick wet (and neither did Personal Colton).  Is that too crass? I'm sorry. Colton's a virgin and I don't know if I have ever met a former professional sports guy who is like, "yeah, that career really hindered my ability to get laid," ya know?  But he has a good explanation: he wasn't waiting for marriage, he was waiting for the right heart. Over the years he lied about it or had shame about being a virgin, but it's part of who he is, yada yada yada, I'm proud of who I am and now that I'm 26 and a virgin, why throw it away?  I get that, I suppose. But also, I'm a believe in the idea of "don't cling to a mistake just because you spent a long time making it."

EITHER WAY, Becca hears his big reveal, then WALKS AWAY FROM THE TABLE AND LEAVE HIM ALONE THERE. HUH!?!?? Arie did that to Lauren during their season and I find it SO unnatural and odd that I think it MUST be something that the Producers told them to do in order to build tension? And make for awkward shots of the person alone and the Bachelor/Bachelorette staring off and processing this supposed bombshell?  She eventually  returns to the table and they awkwardly continue their conversation. He says that his virginity is a gift that he wants to give someone, which I suppose is nice to hear from a guy because I remember when I was a kid and my childhood friend's mother said that (BUT ONLY ABOUT VIRGINITY BEING A GIFT THAT WOMEN GAVE MEN) so I guess, score one for progress in that respect.  Colton gets a rose and Becca will be meeting his family and, heck, maybe taking him to the fantasy suite to test drive it before she buys it.

Up next is Garrett who got the first impression rose all those weeks back when we were young and life was simple (May). Becca is in a sorta shirt dress thing and Garrett is in a striped button down and shorts and he RUNS to her, which I can dig. Good effort and attitude, kiddo.

They hop in a Sea Plane and drink bubbly (that can't be legal, can it?), cruise around the turquoise waters, and buzz the dude's hotel patio for shits and gigs. The plane lands near an empty island where Becca and Garrett strip down for a picnic, a make-out, and of course, more drinks.

They talk about how Garrett has managed to keep his sanity throughout this mind fuck of a dating process. Garrett claims that he doesn't get down or discouraged then moments later says that there have been a few times in his life when he has gotten discouraged, but he can count them on 2 fingers (so, you're saying, like, 2 times?). All these dudes have been reading too many Hallmark cards because their comments feel so corny--especially Garrett's line, "I'm not perfect, you're not perfect, the world's not perfect--but we can be perfect together." Oh man. Stop. Becca knows that there is "physical chemistry" there, but can Garrett go deeper? I wondered--they seem to get along well and enjoy smiling together, making out, but does Garrett offer much intellectually?

Becca somehow decides that yes, there is something more from Garrett, and she seems to get that assurance based on a conversation about how they have both been engaged and disappointed by a partner. Join the club, kiddos. I'm still not sure that Garrett has much to offer as far as ideas, excitement, conversation, debate, but Becca's into it.

For their evening date, Becca rocks a stunning white dress with interesting neckline (so many great necklines this season, girl!) with her hair back (super cute! She should rock that more often), a sweet little choker thing and a smokey eye, while Garrett's in a black button down. They have their chat about both of them going through heartbreak, Garrett scores the rose, and then STRIP DOWN for a HOT make-out in the ocean!

If you are a member of Bachelor Nation, you know what a late night swim in the ocean means: no microphones out there, cameras gotta stay on water so you have some privacy, and thanks to Juan Pablo's season, "going swimming at night" is shorthand for "having sex in the ocean." I was wondering that as Donald Trump's disgusting face was shoved in my face and The Bachelorette was tragically disrupted by his announcement of yet ANOTHER old, conservative white guy who he nominated for the Supreme Court.  I can't even.

Back to the only thing that my heart can handle right now: THE BACHELORETTE.

The final 1:1 date goes to smiley Blake who has been falling apart all week.  The other guys posit that Blake needs to catch up a bit--he started strong with Becca but seems to have lost some momentum.  Typical experience of an early 1:1 guy, ya know? 

For their date, Becca rocks a red tank top tied up to show her belly, dark army green pants, and Blake is in a pink T-shirt (meh) and shorts.  The Bachelor franchise continues its tradition of calling washed up musical acts to appear on the show and this time it's the BAHA MEN!!! 



Oh man, is there a worse idea for a song than a melody that features the sounds of barking dogs set to a crappy rhythm?  No, there is not.  Becca and Blake join in on the dance party and WOW Blake dances weird.  And too much.  I shouldn't hate because hey, dancing is recreation for everyone and there's no wrong way to do it, but WOW I was fearful that Blake might injure a Baja Man fan on that dance floor--dude had NO control of his body.  Yikes.  

After gentrifying the stage, Blake and Becs mercifully wander off to an empty beach to talk about insecurities and make-out.  Becca says that she feels for Pasty Snooze Arie's predicament because you really CAN fall in love with multiple people at one time which is certainly NOT what your boyfriend wants to hear.  

That night, Blake shows off his version of formalwear which is a short-sleeved, white button-down buttoned all the way up, which makes him look like a sort of Cholo/Martin Short nerd character hybrid.  What I'm saying is, dude, stop choking yourself with that damn collar! 

Becca is in a casual, blue sundress with dangly earrings and, over liquid dinner, they discuss small town life and how much it sucks.  AMEN!  Blake explains that his family is extremely unemotional, they don't talk about issues or problems but just ignore them and I can't believe this guy isn't a WASP!  Then again, maybe he is--his name is Blake, after all. Either way, Blake tells all of America that his mother cheated on his father with his basketball coach/English teacher. WOOOOW. Hooo boy I hope your mom is cool with your spilling these beans!  Then again, it sounds like they were already spilled all over your hellscape hometown, Blake! Becca remarks that Blake always claims it's hard for him to open up, yet he's the most open of ANY of the guys!  I feel like these claims that "it's hard for me to open up because I have been hurt before" are so often just posturing to make the guy feel more like Dylan McKay or some other loner, rolling stone character, ya know?  

Blake says, "Becca, I am in love with you," they make our HARD and Blake gets a rose.  She's excited to meet Blake's family (word to the wise: don't bring up the infidelity!!!!) and she says, "my heart recognizes his heart" which is so damn cute it gave me warm fuzzies. 

They walk out and do a classic wall make-out as we hear voice over of Becca saying,  "I want to tell him that I'm in love with him" which is a RED FLAG, BACHELOR NATION!  This feels like what we have seen so many times in the past where the Producers edit the footage to make Blake look like the shoe-in, which means he will definitely NOT win and will get his world RUINED. I can't wait to watch! 

The next day is group date time and Leo (man bun), Wills (loves patterned fabric more than any other power clasher I have met), and Jason (who my friend Jenn met a wedding last weekend!). 

CHECK IT OUT! It's New York City comedian Jenn Wehrung with a man who is either engaged to a gorgeous gal named Becca OR smiling through the heartbreak of knowing that America is about to watch him get DUMPED on television! 

LEO!? What is going on here!!!??!

Jason is looking like he's about to attend Puffy's infamous white party. Leo is in Nantucket Red shorts (aka Salmon color) and a blue T-shirt, and Wills is rocking a patterned tank top and dark shorts.  Beccca is wearing her best outfit of the season: white, jean daisy dukes, a tiny white jean jacket, a yellow tank top, and underneath it all, a WHITE BIKINI!! PRAISE GOD!  This is a KILLER look and it gives more press to an underserved community of which I am a member: WHITE BIKINI WEARERS!!! 

The grew plays volleyball and the teams are Jason and Becca vs. Leo and Wills, which was some not-so-subtle foreshadowing. 

Jason and Becca talk and she tells him that he's pretty unemotional, unenthusiastic, which I can sorta see but also, mere moments about he LEPT from a moving boat to SPRING through waves into your arms, so maybe cut the dude some slack?

Becca and Wills talk and it is a SOLID conversation, so you know he's being sent home.  

Becca and Leo talk and sweet Leo says that he knows he's different from the other guys (aww dude--you're just as weird as the rest--trust me!), he knows he's a LOT to take (stop stealing my lines, Leo!), and that he speaks only in truth.  The audio mixers must have had a tough time b/c it sounded like they were seated on top of a crashing wave and Becca tells Leo that they simply aren't as far along as the other relationships, so with that she sends him home.  

We see footage of Leo roaming the surf alone and I just hope that dude didn't fill his pockets with rocks for a suicide, Virginia Woolf-style, ya know? 

That night is a 2-on-1 date between Wills (now in yet another patterned shirt because this Patterned Party Bus stops for NO ONE!), Jason (looking like it's casual Friday at the Alamo Rent A Car where he works) and Becca (in a pinkish/whitish dress with yet another KILLER neckline--her style is amazing).  She has alone time with each guy and her alone time with Jason feels flat, while her conversation with Wills is emotional, dynamic, exciting, interesting, so you know Wills is about to walk the plank. 

They all reconvene at the table and Becca gives the rose to Jason, then walks Will to the car and says goodbye with remarkable efficiency and calmness.  In the car, Wills says, "it's hard to give someone your heart and have them say, 'no thank you'" which made me laugh because that's my catchphrase (well, one of my many catchphrases).  

Becca walks back to Jason, they make out hard, and he is giddy because she's heading to BUFFALO (she's not as giddy, understandably).  

Next week we witness the hometown dates and it seems like these parents are NOT HAVING IT, though I'm sure that in time, they will be miraculously convinced of the prudence of meeting your soul mate on a reality TV dating show.  Stay tuned! 

Bachelorette Becca: Danke Shoen for the Memories, Jordan + David (Ep 5)

Bachelor Nation pals! 

As usual, I'm late with this recap and beating myself up for it.  Am I a true Bachelor head if I don't watch and live-tweet on Monday nights? Hey, sometimes you get booked on a rad show on Avenue A and you do it, then you have a different, also rad show on Tuesday, then you don't get to watch Jordan and David brawl in a desert until frigging Wednesday!!  

But here I am and I'm ready to recap.  I'll try to keep this one tight cause it's so late. 

On Monday's episode we entered into a shitty version of the cinematic masterpiece, Swingers, and headed to VEGAS, BABY, VEGAS!

The dudes are staying in an amazing suite in the Aria (never stayed there--looks nice) and as they explore their new digs, Becca haunts the upstairs level and scares them. She's in a sparkly members only jacket, heels, and lots of silver and black (theme for the week). She reveals herself and they all pop bubbly--here we go! 

Colton gets the first 1:1 date and it's his first 1:1 date of the season.  Becca has followed Jojo's directions and kept him on group dates because she knew that she REALLY liked him (or so I'm thinking).  Colton takes a limo out to rural Las Vegas, traveling over the Virgin River (GET IT?? SO SUBTLE), and meets Becca for a traditional Nevada activity, camel riding! Is there anything MORE Vegas than that!? Yes, yes there is. 

Becca's rocking overall shorts (bold choice but she pulls it off), a bikini beneath her clothes, a white tank top, and Timbos on the toes, as they say.  She looks very cute, as does Colton in his dark shirt, dark pants and KILLER BODY. Once they are done camel riding and attempting to hold hands across camels (WHY GOD WHY?), they hop in a hot tub that has, seemingly, appeared out of nowhere. That's when we see Colton's shirtless physique and wowie zowie! The only way to do this justice is with an outdated pop culture reference: 



The hot tub talk is good: Colton says that he has been frustrated because he wanted things to start off well between them because she deserves it (AWWW) and this charms Becca as much as it charmed me and all of Bachelor Nation. 

That night they are "kind of on the same page" and they are both VERY excited about that. Becca rocks a sparkly silver, red, and black cocktail dress and Colton wears, again, black on black (which is FINE BY ME, bay beeeee). Over "dinner" (drinks), they talk about exes and Colton pours it out--his ex-GF never reciprocated his "I love you" (HARSH BURN, bro) and then dumped him. And it's strange to hear this conversation and know that he's talking about Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman!! 

Colton and Aly in happier times

That has got to feel weird for Becca and I truly wonder if Aly is at home watching this. Thanks to that difficult relationship and breakup, Colton now associates love with pain and confusion and dude I get it. Wow. I really like his candor and willingness to say, "she dumped me outta the blue," rather than some BS about a mutual breakup.  Thanks to this heartache, he doesn't talk throw around the phrase "I'm falling in love" and I can dig that! He's like the anti-Lincoln.  

Becca gives Colton the rose, then they hop on the upper level of a double decker tour bus and cruise down the strip making out, which looked pretty damn amazing. I love Vegas and I used to be a tour guide (on a single decker bus, but still) so this finale to the date really spoke to me.  As they are making out, Becca playfully says, "what are you doing to me?" and, I know I'm a cheesedick, but I can't get over how cute this is!! Colton has GOT to be in the final 2, if not the ultimate winner. 
Meanwhile, in the hotel, the dudes see a giant billboard that says "KISS HER" and is a message for Colton AND get a group date card.  

The group date card is addressed to Wills (cutie with funky style), Garrett (cutie but problematic), Blake (lil too aww shucks for me), John (slow burn or bore?), Connor (like a hotter, huskier Garrett), Leo (man bun, dry wit), Lincoln (cutie who has chilled a bit, it seems), Jason (slicked hair guy who I'm not feeling but Becca is), and Chris (cheesy dude who I do NOT like). 

Their group date is a day of writing remixes of "Danke Shoen" at the home of Mr. Las Vegas himself, Wayne Newton!  A trip down the 'ole Wikipedia rabbit hole will reveal that while we are all aware of the existence of Wayne Newton, I have no idea why. He has one song that is well-known (the aforementioned "Danke Shoen") which he didn't write or even originate. If you want to read about his litany of legal problems and unpaid bills, taxes, check it all out here.  

I don't want to be too harsh, though, because he seems perfectly sweet and can appreciate bronzer as much as I can. 



He shows the crew his estate and then asks them to write their own versions of "Danke Shoen" that they will sing TO Becca in a show with a live audience.  The guys fan out with notebooks and pens and Chris is feeling confident because this is his SECOND songwriting date with a D list singer chaperone.  Don't get too big for your britches, Chris. Also, remember that this whole thing is about "winning" LOVE, not a dumb contest.  (Yes, this is foreshadowing.) 

The dudes suit up in tuxedos (and NO ONE looks bad in a tux EVER), then head to a "show" which seemed to take place in a hastily constructed fake showroom--or is that Wayne Newton's real showroom? Who can tell. Assembled is a very patient audience (of Bachelor die-hards, no doubt) who watch each guy do HIS OWN version of Danke Shoen, one by one. Goodness gracious. Wills is great, John tries very hard (ha), and Chris KILLS it with references, jokes, audience engagement.  

After the "show" is the afterparty and Blake and Becca are having super cutesy snuggle times while Chris is hanging back, somehow thinking that the power dynamic has shifted and SHE should seek out HIM? Huh? Ummm no. This show is The Bachelorette not Cheesdick With Bad Facial Hair Dating Show. 

Becca has had a long night, so joins the group of guys to end things and hand out the date rose. Chris seems stunned that she's calling it a night, but dude, maybe you should have tried to talk to her? Becca gives her rose to Blake (which STUNS Garrett but he has a pretty good poker face) and leaves, which SHOCKS Chris. Ummmm did Becca not notice that Chris is good at WRITING SONG LYRICS!? I mean, what more do you want in a life partner, BECCA????  Chris whines to the other guys and says that he's angry because he thinks that if you want something, you make time, so somehow BECCA should have made time for HIM. Chris, that saying about making time--that's a 2 way street, brosef. And you fucked it up. Also your claim that you might leave tonight is NOT a good look. Wills sets him straight (Wills is on the right side of every issue) and when Connor chimes in that he didn't get any time last week, Chris essentially tells Connor that he's not a contender. Sleep with one eye open, Florida bitch!! 

Back at the hotel the next day, Connor and his cute dimples are looking NICE in some glasses as the men discuss what must be happening on today's two-on-one. Which reminds me, HOLY SHIT TODAY IS THE INFAMOUS 2 ON 1!!!! 

As is tradition, the 2-on-1 date is reserved for 2 total asswipes who hate each other and it takes place in a barren wasteland.  Classic Twozies!!!  Broken Face David says that he knows that Jordan will be sent home from this and apparently he isn't a big fan of the franchise because BOTH OF YOU are going home, dummy.  Usually NOBODY makes it out of the 2-on-1 alive.

Jordan and David (aka, the two guys in the house who hardly know Becca and are OBSESSED with each other) take a limo out to the Valley of Fire, where Becca is waiting next to a cherry red Jeep Wrangler.  She's rocking a camo shirt (personal favorite), jean daisy dukes (awesome), and Timberland boots (fine).  Jordan says that Becca "looks like a snack" which is the closest he has come to taking an interest in her this season, so I'll take it. They hop in the Jeep (Becca behind the wheel, Jordan shotfun, chicken man David riding bitch) and cruise over some hills before sitting down on a daybed with canopy that has been erected in the middle of nowhere.  

Becca sits between them and encourages them to "listen to the silence" which David can't stop talking about doing! Dude--do you see what you are doing here? 



The 2-on-1 runs its standard course: Becca takes one guy away and he shit talks the other guy (in this case, David throws Jordan DEEP under the bus), then Becca grabs other guy to ask him if this is true (when we learn that Jordan's mother is mentally ill, which would have been interesting to learn earlier in the season, if he were capable of speaking about anything other than his modeling career), then Becca needs alone time and those 2 guys scream at each other.  Tale as old as time and that's not even a joke.  Literally, this is how the 2-on-1 plays out EVERY TIME. 

One thing that made me literally GAG as I attempted to watch David and Becca speak on a rock is David's BLOODY EYE!! Did you notice this? I get that he broke his face only a week ago or so, but WOW DUDE you literally have a bloody left eye and it turns my stomach to look at it, so maybe don't have Becca sit on your left side?  Also maybe wear an eye patch or something? Make it work! 

Both of Becca's individual conversations with David and Jordan feel like goddamn job interviews and I love that Becca confronted them together and said that this situation is frustrating, exhausting, and feels like 6th grade.  There is an argument about whether Jordan said that being with Becca would be "settling," which clearly isn't a word that Jordan said, but rather a sentiment that David assumed from him and that's just not fair to Jordan. David, look what you made me do!! You have me defending a narcissistic model dude because YOU are so shitty!

Becca is as unimpressed with David as I am, so she leaves him and his black outfit with white sneakers (BARF) in the Valley of Fire. Bye, chickenman. Becca says that she and Jordan will continue their date to "get to the bottom of it" which sounds like a fun, lighthearted way to court one another, no? No. 

That night, Becca and Jordan get cleaned up so that she can dump him in a different venue and not waste the lighting setup that the producers already erected.  Jordan asks her a question about what her average weekend looks like (so that he can be like, "see judges? I asked a question!") which he lets her answer in 3-4 sentences, then it's THE JORDAN SHOW!!! They talk about HIS normal weekend, HIS workout routine, HIS ablutions routine, HIS life, modeling, Zoolander, his portfolio, his facial expressions, and more (or rather, less)!  Becca picks up the rose and tells Jordan that she cannot give it to him (tricky), saying that she just doesn't think that they will get to where they need to be, emotionally, in time.  She should have also said, "and in the future, ASK A FEW DAMN QUESTIONS--it's NOT HARD to have a back and forth conversation" but she's not in charge of improving him.  

ASIDE: I am like a broken record but I am continually stunned by how many people--both in the context of dating and in regular socializing--don't ask other people questions. PEOPLE! This is how conversation flows. It's a tennis match--back and forth. But people who don't ask questions are rarely aware of this flaw. I think that they truly think that they have good conversations! Cause who doesn't love the sound of their own voice? But they usually, eventually realize that they don't KNOW ANYTHING about their friends or the person they are dating. And that's because they never ASKED any questions. 

Becca wisely sends him home and when the producer arrives to remove Jordan's luggage (she already took David's bag) the dudes celebrate like it's the G-D Superbowl and their team just won. 

The next evening is the cocktail party and Chris is hell  bent on self-destruction. Becca looks gorgeous in yet another sparkly, silver number with a smokey eye and great hair. #blessed 

As soon as Chris gets alone time with her, he says, "I think you owe me like 50,000 kisses right now" and it goes downhill from there. And "there" is already BAD, man. It's a classic situation where a guy is feeling insecure and senses that the girl is disinterested, so he keeps trying to flip the power dynamic (impossible) and make her feel FOOLISH for potentially letting this catch go!  It is NOT working, Becca is NOT having it, and I'm shocked that she didn't send him packing immediately.  His days are numbered. 

Wills and Colton are DEAD ON with their conversation about how Chris is a bitch.  Leo (manbun) is cute during his alone time with Becca, as is sweet Wills. Chris working overtime and he's not alienating just Becca--he's ALSO pissing off the guys! Whooo boy! What an overachiever! 

Finally, it's time for the rose ceremony. Blake and Colton have roses, so they are safe, thank God. Becca doles out flowers to: 
-Garrett (dark suit, no tie, white shirt) 
-Jason (slicked hair is just TOO damn slicked, man!) 
-Wills (his matchy matchy plaid suit is adorable and he's a gem) 
-Lincoln (dark suit with black lapels and a bow tie is a GOOD LOOK) 
-Leo (rocking a Trump style suit which makes me BARF but he seems fun) 
-Connor (tank engine version of Garrett is sticking around and mama likes it) 
-Chris (in a salmon shirt and blue suit and LUCKY to be sticking around)

So heading home is sweet, seemingly cerebral John.  He's very polite. Good luck to you. 

Up next they are headed to the international hotspot of RICHMOND, VIRGINIA!! If we don't get some butter churching at Colonial Williamsburg, I am going to be PISSED! 

Bachelorette Becca: Tracksuits Are Too Casual for a Rose Ceremony (Ep 4)

Greetings, Bachelor Nation!

This is your intrepid recap writer, Selena "Bury Me in a White Bikini" Coppock, reporting for duty.

Monday's episode was a solid one, with 3 dates, 2 rose ceremonies, and 1 pair of gold underpants.

We open at the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party and Clay has just left with his broken wrist. There is strange energy in the house among the guys, but Becca and Blake are loving life and talking about how many children they might have! Wheeee! They both love boy names for girls: Becca wants to name her daughter Stevie and Blake wants to name his daughter Charlie, and I'm just glad that I have found other fans of the early 90s TV show, SISTERS!

Remember these gals? Georgie, Frankie, Alex, and Teddy?! Gosh I was OBSESSED with this show when I was young, which feels odd since it was about the difficulties of some middle-aged women living in Winnetka, IL battling drinking problems, sexual assault, infidelity, and family issues. But I LOVED IT! Random trivia: Bruce Springsteen's first wife is the lady in the lower, left corner of that DVD case above. Waddaya know! Anyhoo. Becca and Blake are biting off SISTERS'S style with their kid name picks.

Meanwhile, resident bizarro boy, Jordan, is shit talking injured David (as usual), saying that he talks God every day and that people who go against him have bad things happen to them. Read: God broke your face, David, because you mocked me. David makes his semi-triumphant return to the house, black eye and bruised cheek, and all. I gotta admit, for once, David looks TOUGH and it makes me somewhat attracted to him. David gets a lot of hugs from the guys, an immediate rose from Becca (sometimes breaking your face is the best thing that has ever happened to you), and shouts over to Jordan, "what up, Jordan, how you doing?" to which Jordan doesn't even FLINCH. God these two are like an old, previously married couple. Blech.

In a move that will haunt her throughout this episode, Becca gives Jordan a pair of shiny, gold booty shorts (hey, it's pride month and Jordan is the gayest thing I have seen since the last time I hung out at the Stonewall Inn) but David is feeling good and says, "I may not have a male model face at this point, but I have a rose, bitch." AWWW SHIT, CHICKEN SUIT DAVID AINT HERE TO PLAY!

Soon it's rose ceremony time. Colton (Husky Ryan Phillippe), Chris (lil cheesy), and David (man without a face) already have roses. 

The others go to:
-Jason (looking like a mafia don with the slicked hair)
-Wills (love that light, patterned jacket!)
-Nick (WHO IS WEARING TWO CROSS MEDALLIONS AND A TRACKSUIT! I repeat, he is in a TRACKSUIT at a formal event and he didn't just walk off the set of Sopranos 2: Tony's Still Messed Up. As we saw him in a bizarro track suit, we heard audio of him saying, "I gotta be who I am" and I didn't realize that who Nick is, is a dude who retired from his career in imports/exports (hey, don't ask questions) and now spends his days at the Keno parlor telling anyone who will listen about how thin he can slice his prosciutto.)
-Lincoln (looking good in a bow tie)
-Christon (dark suit, patterned tie, solid look)
-Blake (I hate his clothing style--ALL Blake's choices are bad choices)
-Garrett (who might be a weirdo conservative hidden inside the body of a HOT BOY)
-Leo (big hair don't care)
-John (lil nerdy but sweet)
-Connor (big hair AND I CARE! This dude is a little tank engine of sexy)
-Jordan (as my wise roommate said, "he's a character, not a contender")
-Jean Blanc (coming in last! Ouch!)

So the two dudes who will be trying to sell you Fab, Fit, Fun boxes via Instagram in the near future are the blonde man bun (sorry dude--there can be only one man bun) and Roger, the dweebus banjo player. I know that we have some Roger Heads reading  this (hi Katie!), so I'm sure that moment was a sad one.

Becca gathers the non-losers and Jordan (HEYO!) and announces that their next stop is PARK CITY, UTAH!  The clip of slicked hair Jason screaming, "UTAH, baby!" made me laugh harder than the time I saw Dave Chappelle at Radio City Music Hall last summer (#brag).

The first date is a 1:1 with Garrett and Becca scoops him up from the ski chalet where the dudes are staying (very cool digs) and takes him to downtown Park City so that she can straddle him in front of a small child.

A super low budget screen shot of my Instagram story! I am a tech moron!

After that, they try on hats, goof around, and generally act like two SUPER LOSERS falling in love. Look, I'm as cripplingly lonely as the next NYC-based comedian and I would love to find love and become a bit insufferable, but GOOD LORD these two give me dumb chills that broke my insufferability scale completely.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Lincoln reveals that he is a flat Earther, as if this season couldn't get more full of weirdos (Garrett has some problem Instagram likes, Lincoln might take shits on the bathroom floor AND was convicted of assault, Jordan is bananas).

Back on the date, Becca and Garrett meet up with 2006 Olympians Valerie and Shauna who were Olympic teammates, fell in love, got married, and now have 2 kids together. Fuck yeah, ABC. Thank you for giving them time to share their story--representation matters and I LOVE that almost EVERY guest star sports person we have met this season has been female. 

Garrett and Becca hop in a bobsled with the couple and all four cruise around the track. After that, G and B drink bubbly on an animal pelt and it occurs to me that if you are a non-drinker, this show might be hard for you to participate in.  Also, if you're not a total psychopath.

That night they get done up and Garrett is in a navy blazer and tan pants, looking like a 9th grader at his first semi-formal dance. Becca is in a taupe sweater dress, heels, and a red jacket. Have you noticed that Becca is the QUEEN of the dramatic jacket removal? She does it every time and I love it. Often the jacket is just on her shoulders and she waits until she arrives somewhere, all eyes are on her, then she gracefully removes the jacket as if to say, "HELLO, BOYS!"

Garrett reveals that he's divorced in the MOST evasive, roundabout way by talking about the relationship from the beginning and meandering all over the place discussing their "adventures" and subtly saying, "so then we were married" and, honestly, it seemed like he was trying to hide that fact, didn't it? Dude--just shot straight!



Garrett claims that his ex was manipulative and emotionally abusive and I WISH that I could see how she responded to those claims!! Live cam of her viewing party, please, ABC!!! Becca senses loyalty and commitment from the guy who just disparaged his ex-wife on national TV, so he scores a rose.  But wait, the date isn't over!! A no-name, D list country singer is legally required to appear!!  And Granger Smith (WHO?) is just the guy.  They go to his concert, are taped by a million iPhones (PEOPLE! Live your LIVES! Stop recording your lives!), and make out on a platform. 

The next day is a lumberjack group date starring Jordan, Chris, Blake, Nick (what, no tracksuit this time, Mr. Soprano?), John, Lincoln, Leo, David, Connor, Christo, Jason, Colton, and Jean Blanc.

Becca makes the dudes dress up like my dream dates and then perform feats of strength, which is my dream date activity. Stop haunting my dreams, Baby Monster!

ummmm hi

Becca says that when she was in high school and other girls were falling for Leonardo DiCaprio, she was falling for manly man lumberjacks and I gotta say, SO WAS I, Becks. You aint unique. I've tolerated some DUMB SHIT dudes because they were husky and drove Ford Broncos. Plenty of us are LumberLovers.

The dudes participate in a Lumberjack Contest and John (quiet, lil nerdy) does surprisingly well, dominating all of his challenges! He wins for his team (blue team) and gets the reward of a golden axe (an actual golden ax in a log), which is nice, but ya know what's nicer?  A frigging ROSE!

That night at the after party, Becca rocks a red, velvet dress with a VERY low cut V neck, a black jacket (DRAMATIC REMOVAL!), and big earrings. Jason (slicked hair) admits that he's struggling with his emotions a bit, Jordan strips down to his golden go-go shorts and gives the camera a TAINT SHOT as he bends over Becca. It was horrifying. Dude--you are a model. You should know your angles. Bending over, taint out, AT the camera, is an abomination. Even if your taint is covered by a pair of gold daisy dukes. Also, HOW am I writing these things and this isn't a recap of Ru Paul's Drag Race? In conclusion of the Jordan stuff, he had 1:1 time with Becca and he chose to spend it in weird gold hot pants and then WALK AWAY!?!? Dude, time with Becca is precious--why were you more eager to get back to the crew of dudes? Hmmmm. 

After that weird display, Colton pulls Jordan outside (HOT move, Mr. Man) and says that Jordan is being a clown, putting on a show, and he seems like he's not here for the right reasons. I concur, Colton! You are HOT and RIGHT!

Meanwhile, Jean Blanc is weirding out Becca during their alone time. He presents her with perfume, then says that he wants to whisper something in her ear and when he gets close to her face, he grabs her chin and moves her head to kiss him.  Buh.  No.  To me, that was a lil weirdly pushy and Becca clearly wasn't feeling it. It was a little too smooth and calculating, when Becca seems to respond to playfulness more than "moves." Leo interrupts, but Jean Blanc is anxious that he hasn't given Becca enough attention, affection, adoration, so he comes back and tells Becca that he's falling in love

DUDE!!! PUMP THE BRAKES!!!

It was so clear that Jean Blanc was just feeling insecure and left behind, so he laid it on THICK in a moment of desperation, but it REEKED of bullshit! Dude, do you think she'll keep you around just because you're like, "I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU"???? She needs to love YOU, also! And we're only on week 4! Even guys that Becca is connected to (Garrett, Jason, Colton) aren't saying stuff like that!

You can see Becca cringe-ing as Jean Luc comes on too strong and she shoots him straight--this is a LOT, a bit too intense, and we're on different wavelengths.  She says that this needs to be the end and generously walks him out (WITHOUT A JACKET IN THE FREEZING COLD) and yet he whines about giving her the perfume gift. Dude! Stop! You look worse every time you open your mouth! Time to go!

But no, he KEEPS making it worse by attempting to backtrack and saying that what he said isn't "necessarily" where he's at, that he thought it was where SHE wanted to take things. Becca wisely responds, oh so you are just saying whatever you think I want to her? Jean Blanc--time to go. There is NO WAY to salvage this.  Becca says the just wants HONESTY, Jean Blanc finally leaves, and Becca returns to the guys very shaken up.  She says that she is very angry, she feels like he was bullshitting her and fears that other guys may be doing the same, and heads home--no rose on the group date (sorry, John).

There is somehow ANOTHER 1:1 date, if you don't think that this episode has gone on long enough! I gotta keep this part short cause I'm exhausted.

Sweet Wills and Becca spend the day together and he's just what she needed--a caring, low key, thoughtful, easygoing dude who will let her slowly move on from the rush of insecurity that she felt as a result of Jean Blanc's actions the night before.

They ride snowmobiles, have a snowball fight, and Wills commits a Bachelorette first by talking about open relationships! Hoooo boy!! I bet that ABC had never heard the phrase "hall pass" used that way before! I appreciated Wills's candor in sharing that story of heartbreak and I'm impressed by his self-awareness.  He scores a rose and before we know it, we're back to another rose ceremony (no cocktail party--sorry, suckers!). 

Lincoln, Connor, and Tracksuit Nick are anxious because they didn't get much time with Becca this week. 

She rolls up in a gorgeous, mermaid style gown (my fave) that's black, textured, and has a pouffy bottom half.  She starts handing out roses and I'll save you some time by addressing who did NOT get roses: Christon (handsome former Harlem Globetrotter who took it in stride) and Nick (blonde dude who seemed cool until he put on a tracksuit to make some sort of righteous point about--I dunno, track runners? Italians? Residents of South Boston?) who blamed himself, which was the only good thing he has done. 

Where to next? 

LAS VEGAS!! Hell yeah!!! Jordan assures us that he's "going to make moves--DEEP MOVES." What the hell does that mean? WHO KNOWS!??!?!??! 

See ya next week! 

Bachelorette Becca: Let's Do The Damn Thing! (Ep 1)

LOVE  BUGS!

Your favorite show is BACK and your favorite Bachelor/Bachelorette recapper, ME, is thrilled to be making her triumphant return to her life's work of shit talking lonely singles while occasionally speaking in the third person!

During last night's premier, I hosted a live watch party at QED, so my notes weren't as insanely detailed as they usually are.  So this recap might be a bit light, but fear not--I'll be watching all season and taking notes, plus tweeting (@selenacoppock).

The show launched with a montage of Becca crying, because every good redemption story has got to "start at the bottom" to quote that song that the kids love and is no longer even especially topical.  We were reminded of the bullet she dodged (a pasty white bullet named Arie--BARF) and given hometown introductions to some of her potential suitors this season.

We met Clay, a former football player who is biracial and has AMAZING arms. Then we met Garrett, a Reno, NV native who JUMPED into frame, which is NEVER a good look.  Garrett seemed very "extra" and I immediately hated him.  Then we met Jordan, a blonde model from Florida (the EPICENTER of modeling opportunities, right?) who quickly started serving up the greatest sound bites of the show. Producers will force Becca to keep him around for a few weeks for his commentary, no doubt.  We also met Lincoln, a super handsome guy with a British accent (he's from Nigeria originally) and great taste in clothes. Up next was Joe, the aww shucks cutie from Chicago who owns a grocery store and who I loved the moment I saw him. Then Jean Blanc, a native of Haiti (who said, "it's not a BLEEP-BLEEP" so I can only assume that Jean Blanc hates Donald Trump as much as I do) who is ALL about scents and I'm here for it. Rounding out those extended intros was former professional football player Colton who is SO DAMN HOT and friendly-looking. He had to quit football because of injuries or concussions or something and it reminded me of when I dated a pro hockey goon who had to quit because he couldn't take any more punches to the face. GOD THAT KIND OF THING IS SO DAMN HOT!!!! Just like, "I used to be extremely violent and now I'm just a sexy assed pussycat," ya know?

Before we knew it, Becca was looking stunning in a sparkly, white dress and waiting in the freshly hosed-down driveway of the STD Shack and it was time to GET THIS PARTY STARTED!

Some of the guys had top notch entrances (Colton with the confetti cannons, John with the sweet story about his grandparents, Garrett with his minivan, Blake and his horse) and some stumbled (sweet grocer Joe who sorta clammed up, the guy who JUMPED OUT from a Hearse and acted like a Millennial girl, David in the chicken suit), and some were downright hard to watch (KAMIL).

Quick diatribe about Kamil's shameful entrance. First off, I liked his style--cool sneakers and a fitted, black suit. Cool cool.  He got out of the limo, stood at the limo door and said, "come here" TO BECCA. Ummm NO. NO NO NO. That aint how this goes down, kid.  I couldn't exactly see what happened but I think she stepped toward him (force of habit when you are socialized to shut up and do what you are told BY THE PATRIARCHY) and then sort of second-guessed herself (relatable) and then he started in on a monologue about how a relationship is a compromise and it should be 50/50 or 60/40. Fuck you. Sure, compromise is important but starting things off by commanding a woman to "come here" is nothing more than manipulation and boundary-testing to see what you can get away with. As Maya Angelou told us, when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.  As I always say: goodnight, bitch.

The cocktail party was standard fare, although the drama moved at warp speed, as these things go nowadays.  Early in the night, Chris (a forgettable Rico Suave dude with bad facial hair from FL) confided in his newfound "friends" that Chase (a forgettable Rico Suave dude with bad facial hair from FL) was "here for the wrong reasons" and Chris heard that straight from one of Chase's ex-GFs. Chris confronted Chase about it 1:1 and Chase's self-defense was that this girl wasn't even a real ex, she was a woman he briefly "dated" (probably humped down with for a few weeks), and she was just out to get him. Chris grabbed Becca so that the 3 of them could have a talk and enlighten her. During said talk, as Chase attempted to defend himself from his former flame's disparaging comments, he said "WOMEN" as if to say, "you know how it goes--women are crazy."  Becca was NOT impressed and thankfully, sent Chase home at the close of the episode.

Let's get to the good stuff--the rose ceremony.  But wait, before we do, I must give a shout-out to the former Harlem Globetrotter, Christon, who is not only handsome and well-dressed (I LOVE a man in a patterned shirt and suit), but also dunked OVER Becca and executed that move perfectly.  I hope there are more dunks this season, my friend!  And double-wait, let's talk about JAKE!! Jake is also from Minneapolis and has met Becca MULTIPLE times but doesn't remember ANY of them except for that one at the Christmas party!  He's obstinate and bratty and insists that HE IS HERE TO LOVE BECCA!  Becca aint buying it and she sends him packing IMMEDIATELY.  Perfect move, girl.

OK, soon the sun was coming up and it was rose ceremony time, but nobody was super plastered because apparently the higher ups put a 2 drink MAXIMUM in place after the Bachelor In Paradise DeMario/Corinne debacle.

Pre-rose ceremony, Becca gave Garrett the first impression rose, which means a LOT and MIGHT wipe my memory of him jumping into frame from earlier int the episode--we shall see.  But let's talk about the 'ole line-up, flower hand-off:

-Lincoln (hell yeah! Handsome guy arrived carrying birthday cake!)
-Blake (horse guy, red suit, pretty cute, lil too eager for my taste)
-Rickey (didn't make a huge impression but I can dig a man named after a drink that I love)
-Jean Blanc (buckle up for a season of NICE watches and beautiful scents!)
-Christon (Harlem Globetrotter BAY BEEEEEE)
-Clay (handsome former NFL-er who I'd like to see shirtless within in the next 2 eps plz)
-Wills (didn't make much of an impression, so we'll see)
-Connor (cutey with BIG HAIR up top who got down on a knee and joke proposed when he arrived--cute move, he seems playful and fun)
-Jason (too slick for my taste)
-John (sweet guy who is very well educated, seems kind, will probably not be pushy enough to stick around a whole lot longer)
-Ryan (banjo player who wore an atrocious suit jacket and well, is a frigging BANJOIST--need I say more?)
-Alex (white dude, pink tie, personality?)
-Nate (white dude with blonde hair who arrived in a race car driver suit as a SUPER FUN way to remind Becca of the man who called off their engagement!)
-Trent (legit WHO?)
-Colton (blonde HOTTIE with a heart of gold who I think Becca is wisely putting on the back burner because she likes him a LOT. That's a move we call "pulling a Jojo" and it's brilliant.)
-David (chicken suit guy who, turns out, is a Venture Capitalist Pig, not a chicken after all)
-Jordan (male model who seems VERY SIMPLE and will be providing the color commentary for the next 3 weeks or so)
-Leo (curly-haired stunt man who also gives good sound bite but whose hair is just A LOT--and I say that as a woman who has made out with TWO long-haired mountain men in my life).
-Mike (the other man bun who had the nerve to show up with a cardboard cut out of Arie and that is NOT OK. Don't hang up your hair elastics so soon, bro--you won't be here for long.)
-Chris R. (the Floridian who warned Becca about Chase, but nonetheless rubs me the wrong way).

So who headed home to start their careers as DUFF eyewear brand ambassadors via Instagram?

-Kamil (turns out, commanding a woman to "come here" when she has 29+ other hotties pleading for a moment with her and behaving like gentlemen around her is NOT a great move)
-Jake (hometown loser who seemed ANGRY that Becca remembered meet him and he forgot about meeting her many times)
-Darius (didn't make enough of an impression, I'd guess, cause I can't remember anything about him, either)
-Chase (the dude who was immediately put on blast for having bad intentions. Great move on Becca's part and I'm loving her style--she shoots straight and doesn't entertain drama. Reminds me of Rachel's time as The Bachelorette)
-Grant (seemed a lil intense)
-Christian (who?)

So I believe that she has 21 suitors remaining and this season looks to be a good one.  It seems as if Lincoln will emerge as the house shit-stirrer (pun intended--did anyone else read that weird gossip about him that he may be a bit of a phantom pooper?). Colton will be around for a while and I'm excited for that. Now if only we could get more Joe the grocer in our lives, but we'll have to settle for social media stalking.

Top photo: creeper Jake who literally said to Becca, "do you know--do you know--do you know I have ONE conscious recollection of meeting you" as if that's supposed to woo her!?
Bottom photo: the one that got away, Joe the supermarket owner from Chicago. CALL ME, JOEY!!

Here we go, season 14 of The Bachelorette!!