Wednesday, June 27, 2018

Bachelorette Becca: Danke Shoen for the Memories, Jordan + David (Ep 5)

Bachelor Nation pals! 

As usual, I'm late with this recap and beating myself up for it.  Am I a true Bachelor head if I don't watch and live-tweet on Monday nights? Hey, sometimes you get booked on a rad show on Avenue A and you do it, then you have a different, also rad show on Tuesday, then you don't get to watch Jordan and David brawl in a desert until frigging Wednesday!!  

But here I am and I'm ready to recap.  I'll try to keep this one tight cause it's so late. 

On Monday's episode we entered into a shitty version of the cinematic masterpiece, Swingers, and headed to VEGAS, BABY, VEGAS!

The dudes are staying in an amazing suite in the Aria (never stayed there--looks nice) and as they explore their new digs, Becca haunts the upstairs level and scares them. She's in a sparkly members only jacket, heels, and lots of silver and black (theme for the week). She reveals herself and they all pop bubbly--here we go! 

Colton gets the first 1:1 date and it's his first 1:1 date of the season.  Becca has followed Jojo's directions and kept him on group dates because she knew that she REALLY liked him (or so I'm thinking).  Colton takes a limo out to rural Las Vegas, traveling over the Virgin River (GET IT?? SO SUBTLE), and meets Becca for a traditional Nevada activity, camel riding! Is there anything MORE Vegas than that!? Yes, yes there is. 

Becca's rocking overall shorts (bold choice but she pulls it off), a bikini beneath her clothes, a white tank top, and Timbos on the toes, as they say.  She looks very cute, as does Colton in his dark shirt, dark pants and KILLER BODY. Once they are done camel riding and attempting to hold hands across camels (WHY GOD WHY?), they hop in a hot tub that has, seemingly, appeared out of nowhere. That's when we see Colton's shirtless physique and wowie zowie! The only way to do this justice is with an outdated pop culture reference: 

The hot tub talk is good: Colton says that he has been frustrated because he wanted things to start off well between them because she deserves it (AWWW) and this charms Becca as much as it charmed me and all of Bachelor Nation. 

That night they are "kind of on the same page" and they are both VERY excited about that. Becca rocks a sparkly silver, red, and black cocktail dress and Colton wears, again, black on black (which is FINE BY ME, bay beeeee). Over "dinner" (drinks), they talk about exes and Colton pours it out--his ex-GF never reciprocated his "I love you" (HARSH BURN, bro) and then dumped him. And it's strange to hear this conversation and know that he's talking about Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman!! 

Colton and Aly in happier times
That has got to feel weird for Becca and I truly wonder if Aly is at home watching this. Thanks to that difficult relationship and breakup, Colton now associates love with pain and confusion and dude I get it. Wow. I really like his candor and willingness to say, "she dumped me outta the blue," rather than some BS about a mutual breakup.  Thanks to this heartache, he doesn't talk throw around the phrase "I'm falling in love" and I can dig that! He's like the anti-Lincoln.  

Becca gives Colton the rose, then they hop on the upper level of a double decker tour bus and cruise down the strip making out, which looked pretty damn amazing. I love Vegas and I used to be a tour guide (on a single decker bus, but still) so this finale to the date really spoke to me.  As they are making out, Becca playfully says, "what are you doing to me?" and, I know I'm a cheesedick, but I can't get over how cute this is!! Colton has GOT to be in the final 2, if not the ultimate winner. 
Meanwhile, in the hotel, the dudes see a giant billboard that says "KISS HER" and is a message for Colton AND get a group date card.  

The group date card is addressed to Wills (cutie with funky style), Garrett (cutie but problematic), Blake (lil too aww shucks for me), John (slow burn or bore?), Connor (like a hotter, huskier Garrett), Leo (man bun, dry wit), Lincoln (cutie who has chilled a bit, it seems), Jason (slicked hair guy who I'm not feeling but Becca is), and Chris (cheesy dude who I do NOT like). 

Their group date is a day of writing remixes of "Danke Shoen" at the home of Mr. Las Vegas himself, Wayne Newton!  A trip down the 'ole Wikipedia rabbit hole will reveal that while we are all aware of the existence of Wayne Newton, I have no idea why. He has one song that is well-known (the aforementioned "Danke Shoen") which he didn't write or even originate. If you want to read about his litany of legal problems and unpaid bills, taxes, check it all out here.  

I don't want to be too harsh, though, because he seems perfectly sweet and can appreciate bronzer as much as I can. 

He shows the crew his estate and then asks them to write their own versions of "Danke Shoen" that they will sing TO Becca in a show with a live audience.  The guys fan out with notebooks and pens and Chris is feeling confident because this is his SECOND songwriting date with a D list singer chaperone.  Don't get too big for your britches, Chris. Also, remember that this whole thing is about "winning" LOVE, not a dumb contest.  (Yes, this is foreshadowing.) 

The dudes suit up in tuxedos (and NO ONE looks bad in a tux EVER), then head to a "show" which seemed to take place in a hastily constructed fake showroom--or is that Wayne Newton's real showroom? Who can tell. Assembled is a very patient audience (of Bachelor die-hards, no doubt) who watch each guy do HIS OWN version of Danke Shoen, one by one. Goodness gracious. Wills is great, John tries very hard (ha), and Chris KILLS it with references, jokes, audience engagement.  

After the "show" is the afterparty and Blake and Becca are having super cutesy snuggle times while Chris is hanging back, somehow thinking that the power dynamic has shifted and SHE should seek out HIM? Huh? Ummm no. This show is The Bachelorette not Cheesdick With Bad Facial Hair Dating Show. 

Becca has had a long night, so joins the group of guys to end things and hand out the date rose. Chris seems stunned that she's calling it a night, but dude, maybe you should have tried to talk to her? Becca gives her rose to Blake (which STUNS Garrett but he has a pretty good poker face) and leaves, which SHOCKS Chris. Ummmm did Becca not notice that Chris is good at WRITING SONG LYRICS!? I mean, what more do you want in a life partner, BECCA????  Chris whines to the other guys and says that he's angry because he thinks that if you want something, you make time, so somehow BECCA should have made time for HIM. Chris, that saying about making time--that's a 2 way street, brosef. And you fucked it up. Also your claim that you might leave tonight is NOT a good look. Wills sets him straight (Wills is on the right side of every issue) and when Connor chimes in that he didn't get any time last week, Chris essentially tells Connor that he's not a contender. Sleep with one eye open, Florida bitch!! 

Back at the hotel the next day, Connor and his cute dimples are looking NICE in some glasses as the men discuss what must be happening on today's two-on-one. Which reminds me, HOLY SHIT TODAY IS THE INFAMOUS 2 ON 1!!!! 

As is tradition, the 2-on-1 date is reserved for 2 total asswipes who hate each other and it takes place in a barren wasteland.  Classic Twozies!!!  Broken Face David says that he knows that Jordan will be sent home from this and apparently he isn't a big fan of the franchise because BOTH OF YOU are going home, dummy.  Usually NOBODY makes it out of the 2-on-1 alive.

Jordan and David (aka, the two guys in the house who hardly know Becca and are OBSESSED with each other) take a limo out to the Valley of Fire, where Becca is waiting next to a cherry red Jeep Wrangler.  She's rocking a camo shirt (personal favorite), jean daisy dukes (awesome), and Timberland boots (fine).  Jordan says that Becca "looks like a snack" which is the closest he has come to taking an interest in her this season, so I'll take it. They hop in the Jeep (Becca behind the wheel, Jordan shotfun, chicken man David riding bitch) and cruise over some hills before sitting down on a daybed with canopy that has been erected in the middle of nowhere.  

Becca sits between them and encourages them to "listen to the silence" which David can't stop talking about doing! Dude--do you see what you are doing here? 

The 2-on-1 runs its standard course: Becca takes one guy away and he shit talks the other guy (in this case, David throws Jordan DEEP under the bus), then Becca grabs other guy to ask him if this is true (when we learn that Jordan's mother is mentally ill, which would have been interesting to learn earlier in the season, if he were capable of speaking about anything other than his modeling career), then Becca needs alone time and those 2 guys scream at each other.  Tale as old as time and that's not even a joke.  Literally, this is how the 2-on-1 plays out EVERY TIME. 

One thing that made me literally GAG as I attempted to watch David and Becca speak on a rock is David's BLOODY EYE!! Did you notice this? I get that he broke his face only a week ago or so, but WOW DUDE you literally have a bloody left eye and it turns my stomach to look at it, so maybe don't have Becca sit on your left side?  Also maybe wear an eye patch or something? Make it work! 

Both of Becca's individual conversations with David and Jordan feel like goddamn job interviews and I love that Becca confronted them together and said that this situation is frustrating, exhausting, and feels like 6th grade.  There is an argument about whether Jordan said that being with Becca would be "settling," which clearly isn't a word that Jordan said, but rather a sentiment that David assumed from him and that's just not fair to Jordan. David, look what you made me do!! You have me defending a narcissistic model dude because YOU are so shitty!

Becca is as unimpressed with David as I am, so she leaves him and his black outfit with white sneakers (BARF) in the Valley of Fire. Bye, chickenman. Becca says that she and Jordan will continue their date to "get to the bottom of it" which sounds like a fun, lighthearted way to court one another, no? No. 

That night, Becca and Jordan get cleaned up so that she can dump him in a different venue and not waste the lighting setup that the producers already erected.  Jordan asks her a question about what her average weekend looks like (so that he can be like, "see judges? I asked a question!") which he lets her answer in 3-4 sentences, then it's THE JORDAN SHOW!!! They talk about HIS normal weekend, HIS workout routine, HIS ablutions routine, HIS life, modeling, Zoolander, his portfolio, his facial expressions, and more (or rather, less)!  Becca picks up the rose and tells Jordan that she cannot give it to him (tricky), saying that she just doesn't think that they will get to where they need to be, emotionally, in time.  She should have also said, "and in the future, ASK A FEW DAMN QUESTIONS--it's NOT HARD to have a back and forth conversation" but she's not in charge of improving him.  

ASIDE: I am like a broken record but I am continually stunned by how many people--both in the context of dating and in regular socializing--don't ask other people questions. PEOPLE! This is how conversation flows. It's a tennis match--back and forth. But people who don't ask questions are rarely aware of this flaw. I think that they truly think that they have good conversations! Cause who doesn't love the sound of their own voice? But they usually, eventually realize that they don't KNOW ANYTHING about their friends or the person they are dating. And that's because they never ASKED any questions. 

Becca wisely sends him home and when the producer arrives to remove Jordan's luggage (she already took David's bag) the dudes celebrate like it's the G-D Superbowl and their team just won. 

The next evening is the cocktail party and Chris is hell  bent on self-destruction. Becca looks gorgeous in yet another sparkly, silver number with a smokey eye and great hair. #blessed 

As soon as Chris gets alone time with her, he says, "I think you owe me like 50,000 kisses right now" and it goes downhill from there. And "there" is already BAD, man. It's a classic situation where a guy is feeling insecure and senses that the girl is disinterested, so he keeps trying to flip the power dynamic (impossible) and make her feel FOOLISH for potentially letting this catch go!  It is NOT working, Becca is NOT having it, and I'm shocked that she didn't send him packing immediately.  His days are numbered. 

Wills and Colton are DEAD ON with their conversation about how Chris is a bitch.  Leo (manbun) is cute during his alone time with Becca, as is sweet Wills. Chris working overtime and he's not alienating just Becca--he's ALSO pissing off the guys! Whooo boy! What an overachiever! 

Finally, it's time for the rose ceremony. Blake and Colton have roses, so they are safe, thank God. Becca doles out flowers to: 
-Garrett (dark suit, no tie, white shirt) 
-Jason (slicked hair is just TOO damn slicked, man!) 
-Wills (his matchy matchy plaid suit is adorable and he's a gem) 
-Lincoln (dark suit with black lapels and a bow tie is a GOOD LOOK) 
-Leo (rocking a Trump style suit which makes me BARF but he seems fun) 
-Connor (tank engine version of Garrett is sticking around and mama likes it) 
-Chris (in a salmon shirt and blue suit and LUCKY to be sticking around)

So heading home is sweet, seemingly cerebral John.  He's very polite. Good luck to you. 

Up next they are headed to the international hotspot of RICHMOND, VIRGINIA!! If we don't get some butter churching at Colonial Williamsburg, I am going to be PISSED! 

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