Monday, August 23, 2010

Bach Pad: Are we on episode 3 already!?


I just finished watching "The Bachelor Pad" and holy crypes, people be all about subtly alluding to causal humps in the fantasy suite, yo!

I'm sad to report that I missed the first 45 minutes of the show, so I didn't get to watch the game of adult spin-the-bottle or whatever creepy game of "Pass the Cold Sore" that they passed off as some sort of "challenge" in this episode. But it sounds like it was spicy and Krisily thought that she and "Hot Psycho" David had some chemistry, but apparently he thought he had more chemistry with Natalie (who is newly single).

I was at my favorite Total Body Conditioning class, if you must know. I've been slacking on gym time lately and I feel like crap. Today I got myself back in gear and seemed to travel back in time to my college days--I hit the gym hard, ate just fruit for lunch, and listened to the soundtrack to the movie "Go!" while remembering an old crush who tried to take me to see that movie. Sigh. But let's snap back to reality: late twenty-something Bach rejects are all living in a house in L.A. passing around STDs and this recap isn't going to write itself!

OK, so when I tuned in, the Hot Psycho (David) was in Vegas with Krisily, Nikki, and Natalie. He had to give a rose to someone so he picked the blonde (of course) and sent home the two brunettes, naturally (Ziiing!) As if struck by relationship lightning, as of the next morning, Natalie and David were a couple, though they want to keep it DL for strategic purposes.

Gia and Wes engage in nauseating flirtation that left me covered in dumb chills. Wes even serenaded her... with the SAME EXACT song that he sang to bachelorette Jillian just a few seasons back. Learn "Free Bird" or something, dude.

Meanwhile, Peyton gets to select three boys for a date and she picks Kovacs (aww snap Elizabeth is pissed!), Kiptyn (aww snap Tenley is pissed!), and Jesse B (aww snap, Natalie is pretending she's not pissed because she's in an overnight relationship with Hot Psycho, but we all know she's really crying on the inside). Nutso!

They go to a race track and drive, flirt, drink, eat Mexican food, and she gives Jesse B. a kiss and a rose. (I feel like I could very easily weave a reference to Seal's "Kiss From A Rose" into this paragraph, but I'm not going to. Why, you ask? Well, back in college I was an a cappella kid (SHUT IT! Girls who sing are hot!). I was a proud member of the Hamilton College HamilTONES (get it? Hell yeah!) and we had auditions each year, which was a long process. One year, this really creepy sociopath guy (who was later kicked out of Hamilton) came in and sang "Kiss From A Rose." He was actually pretty good, but his pitch-matching wasn't very strong (holy lame-o sentence, Selena!) and he generally gave us all the creeps. So we didn't take him, and he kinda ruined "Kiss From a Rose" for me.)

Whew!? Where was I!? Oh, Peyton and Jesse end up spending the night together, back at the mansion, but in a private bedroom (not the bunk room) which is almost grosser than any of the other fantasy suite situations.

Let's cut to the chase: Who gets the boot?


Weatherman was no surprise. If I were stuck living in a house with a bunch of dudes and all we could do was tan and drink poolside, I'd probably vote off the guys who were short and non-hot. Yes, I'm shallow. But dude-- that's all that you have to look at. Keep the poolside environment looking good, ya know?

Gia was a wild card, I must say. It came down to 3 votes to kick off Elizabeth (which Kovacs would secretly orchestrate if he had a brain in his head) and 3 to kick off Gia. So David was the tie-breaker and he kept Elizabeth out of allegiance to Kovacs.

Coming up next week: the crew has got to publicly answer mean questions about other people in the house. Niiiiice! This show gets more shameless by the day. I love it.

Fantastic article

About being childless by choice and how 95% of society has a problem with it and wants to talk to you about it. What the author describes is a conversation I have had SO many times.

New Bachelor Pad tonight


Last week I was derelict in my duty to report the goings-on in the whorehouse that is "The Bachelor Pad." I'm sorry, baby. On Friday night I was having a quiet night at home and I watched the episode from last week. Here is a quick run-down lest we forget the magical 2nd episode of this fledgling season:

-Krisily is becoming increasingly manipulative and crazy. Oh, and she had some organs removed and now she can't digest fat, so she won't participate in the pie eating contest. In classic "hot psycho" way, David Goode thinks this makes her a wimp. And I love him for it.

-Watching a pie eating contest is disgusting... especially when you're eating dinner while it's happening.

-Kiptyn's charm and good looks can make ladies (Nikki, specifically) do CRAZY things (such as, pull a total 180 on their "outsider" crew and vote off Craig M). Nikkie, gurl, I'm saying this woman-to-woman: you might want to ask the cameramen to NEVER shoot you from below. You can fake an OK jawline when you're shot from the same level or above, but from below, it's not pretty. I know how it works--everyone has his/her own issue. If I'm shot from the side, I look like the "before" photo from a rhinoplasty clinic. So I don't get shot from the side. See how that works?

-Gia is pretty, but people-- take it easy! This episode was like a love letter to Gia. Sure, she's cute, but the shape of her mouth reminds me of Jack Nicholson when he was the Riddler in Batman.

-Wes is a terrible person. Period. How is Gia falling for his bullshit confessions of love? Did she not see Jillian's season!? Get your head in the game, Gia! He's using you and your bizarro bad guy mouth!

-David and Jessie make out in the hot tub and it's a kiss of death, as she is promptly voted outta the house.

-Weatherman puts back some serious pie and reveals his crush on Gwen (age ??), reconfirming that he MUST be gay. He LOVES old ladies and drama.

-Craig M is voted off, which makes me somewhat glad, as his hair was too close to a preppy version of DJ Pauly D's sick weave.

-Elizabeth's brassy dye job and creepy manipulations are getting worse by the week. How does Kovacs tolerate her!?

-Jesse B ends his relationship with Natalie poolside. More singletons to swing & smooch!

I'm fired up for tonight's episode!

Monday, August 16, 2010

Crappy Jobs I've Had

Here's an entry from the 'ole blog archives.

It's summertime, and that makes me think back on all of the terrible summer jobs I had growing up. And terrible fall/winter/spring jobs, too. Let's take a walk down "Crappy Job Lane".

Bruegger's Bagel Bakery- I worked here in high school for a couple years. Those were some early Saturday mornings- especially when I had to walk to work in my fake Birkenstocks. Those shoes were horrific. I'm surprised that I'm even admitting that I owned a pair. Anyhoo- I actually sorta liked working there. The other kids were really nice & we were all such screw-ups it was hilarious. But dealing with cream cheese in LARGE quantities (buckets larger than paint buckets, filled with cream cheese) turned me off of cream cheese for a looong time. And I still won't eat Roast Beef after spending a few too many hours in the prep area separating portions of bloody, grody, roast beef. Oh and here's a doozy- for a long time Bruegger's Bagels had a NO TOASTING policy. No toasting at a bagel place!?!? Yeah- for about my first year there they had a serious no-toasting policy, insisting that people should eat fresh bagels that are still hot from the oven. That's all well & good, but what about the customer who comes in at 5pm and Juan hasn't cooked up a new batch of bagels in about 3 hours, so they want their rock-solid bagel toasted, huh? What about THEM!?

The Gap- Moving on up! From bloody, roast beef sandwiches to t-shirts & matching socks in section 1! Yes yes I worked at the Gap during my later years in H.S. and college breaks. My buddy Rob worked there, too, so that was rad- and most of the other employees were pretty cool. This one guy totally pulled a fast one on the Gap & hooked up all his high school "friends" with free clothes. He got busted during my time there- pretty funny stuff. One time I was in charge of the "scents" area, so I moved some of the soaps & bottles around a bit. The manager absolutely FREAKED on me. This is what I hate about Retail Manager people (and yeah, I'm making a blanket generalization, so get under it if you wanna stay warm): they take their pathetic retail jobs SOO seriously. This woman literally REAMED me out (in public) for changing the setup of the Scents area. She was like, "What are you thinking? Are you a display coordinator? No, you aren't." I wish I had quit mid-shift that day- but I saved my "the time I walked out on a job mid-shift" instead for Crate & Barrel in Chicago. You'll read about that one soon enough, kiddos.

The Town Pool- Yes, I languished in a shanty for an entire summer (the summer after freshman year in college, no less) peddling high-caloric treats to fat children at the town pool. Again, the co-workers were great, but the boom box set at KISS 108 all summer nearly drove me insane. That was the summer of Santana's "Smooth" and that crappy "All Star" song. Those were apparently the only 2 albums that KISS 108 owned that summer because we used to tally how many times per day we heard each. About 6, on average. I got some great stories out of that one, though. One time a kid crapped in the pool & his awkward British dad (or manny?) came over to the shanty and informed us of this e coli scare by saying, "There's a nugget in the pool." On a daily basis, swimmers would remark on how much it must suck for me to be trapped in a shanty all day. "Yup assholes- sure does. Enjoy your swim!" Another frequent occurrence was when a kid would buy a popsicle, walk away, and 2 feet away from the snack shanty he drop it, then come back to the window wanting another one for free. Umm- am I to blame for the fact that you are a Butterfinger?

Friday, August 13, 2010

white pants season!

Doing some standup in some sick, white bell bottoms. We are in the home stretch of white pants season, people! Wear 'em while you can!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

The Bachelor Pad is here!

Like a deliberately romantic version of Real World vs. Road Rules, The Bachelor Pad burst on the scene last night and did not disappoint. Chris Harrison (and co-host Melissa what’s-her-name who got proposed do, then given the Heisman to in favor of the other chick who had been previously negged as well) rolled out the red carpet of the Bachelor mansion for the rejects from previous seasons. We got some great characters! The line-up includes:

Tenley – the Cuddlebug who got negged by Jake. Her bubbliness used to be cute, now it’s excessive. Take it easy, girl.

Jesse B – hot youngster with tats! What are you, a bike messenger OF LOVE?

Natalie – I don’t even know you and I already hate you! Only thing she’s got going for her: blonde hair.

David – THE HOT PSYCHO RETURNS! I am SOOO excited about the return of hot-blooded (hot blooded!) David Good. I’m ashamed to admit that I did some web research (light stalking) of our favorite tattooed thug after he was booted off the Bachelorette w/ Jillian.

Gwen – Age is listed as “??” and she’s from season 2. She seems sweet, but her presence in the Bachelor mansion is like the time I attended my sorority’s reunion party last winter. The girls were all super sweet, but frickin’ 22 to my 29. I felt like an old lady, so I had to pull an Irish goodbye (even though there were hot DU brothers heading to the bar. Times have changed, huh?)

Jessie S – Brunette girl. Quite forgettable, but hotter than her last time on TV.

Weatherman – This seems to be his name?? Apparently he and Craig M had some beef during the (just completed) Ali season of The Bachelorette. My gaydar went BERZERKER when this guy walked in. Does anyone believe the ruse that he’s straight?

Nikki – dark hair and an unfortunate double-chin. Girl, here’s a secret: go on a diet of coffee & cigarettes. You want proof it works? Check out my college photos sophomore year through senior year. Don’t you DARE pull out freshman year photos—that was back when I thought that eating white rice 3 meals/day would make me thin because, well, look at all those Ethiopians in those commercials in the 1980s. And how did I get into college????

Juan – He and Nikki apparently dated briefly. Drama! He’s still a total wimp. I hope David gives him another lecture about “man code.” (Swoon! Yes, sometimes I hate myself, too.)

Wes – refers to himself as “America’s favorite villain.” More like, the lamest thing to come outta Austin, TX and the only dude who can’t tan.

Krisily – Charlie season? Huh? Nice hair… for a brunette.

Elizabeth – Holy brassy hair! She looks like what happened to Brenda Walsh in that episode of 90210 when she tired to go from brunette to blonde AT HOME. Bad news. I remember her from Jake’s season—she was the middle-school-style dater who was obsessed with game-playing. Blech.

Jesse K – HOT! Apparently he and Elizabeth have hooked up on a Bachelor cruise (don’t even get me started on how pathetic THAT is).

Kiptyn – Hell yeah! I love that guy! Still lookin’ dope!

Ashley – Jake’s season. Brunette and obviously, quite forgettable, as I can’t remember anything about her.

Peyton – Blonde, cute, seems bland.

Michelle – crazypants from Jake’s season! Single White Female!

Gia – SO overrated! And apparently she has a boyfriend now??

Craig M – hair to rival Pauly D’s. Could it possibly be MORE obvious that he and the Weatherman hooked up during Ali’s bachelorette and Craig M is a self-hating gay man? Seriously, people! Wake up!

OK, let’s keep this quick for today. All these peepers will be living in a house (and sleeping on bunk beds in the same room) and competing against each other for $250,000.00. Each week there will be a competition and the winner gets a rose, then gets to ask 3 people onto a 3-on-1 date (CREEPY RATIO!) On said date, the 1 person will be permitted to give a rose to one of the three, ensuring his/her safety. So then when elimination comes around, both rose holders are safe and 1 girl is voted off and 1 guy is voted off (by their peers). Got it?

First challenge is a giant game of Twister and we are given a whole lotta booby shots. David reminds us that he has a sick body and nice tattoos. The final two players in the Twister game are Craig M and Jessie. They agree to take each other on the date if they win the challenge. Craig wins the challenge and gets some awkward attention from all the ladies that night. Michelle reminds us that she’s crazy when she rubs his arm awkwardly and sings, “Tomorrow is coming…” Huh? Everybody goes to bed and Tenley THINKS she hears Craig & Michelle kissing. Not sure where that came from, but the rumor is all over the house by breakfast and Michelle is PISSED. That night, Michelle confronts Tenley in the bathroom, slamming the door and calling her bleeped out words (woa ABC! Getting edgy!).

But back to the 3-on-1 date. Craig asks three ladies on the date—Jessie, Elizabeth (because she was yelling at him and he wants to change her opinion), and Gwen (to get to know her). Elizabeth is stuck in 6th grade mode and needs every guy to worship her, which annoys me even more than her awful dye job.

Jesse (hot tat boy) and Natalie are apparently dating, as they kiss before bed, crash together, and spout off simple, moronic confessions of love in front of a fire.

David cracks me up when he says, “I’m just looking for love!” as a joke.

The date foursome hit the beach, then go to a concert. Elizabeth pulls out the manipulation cards like Ben Affleck playing poker (back when he was really into that) and Craig says that the only girl he’d kiss (of the three) is her. DUDES! STOP FALLING FOR GIRLS LIKE THIS, I BEG YOU! You say you hate game playing, then you fall for this crap left & right. Sigh. Craig gives a rose to Jessie, so they get a private concert by the Alex Band (BARF) while Gwen & Elizabeth head back to the mansion. The whole way, Elizabeth goes off on a diatribe about how she can’t believe that SHE wasn’t given the rose, apparently wholly unaware that GWEN JUST GOT NEGGED, TOO. Man oh man she sucks.

Krisily says that she wants to get rid of the big, hot guys because they are tough competition… and apparently she hates having fun and flirting with hot guys. Wait, did she go to bible camp with me in the early 90s?

Elizabeth plays Jesse like Nintendo (I know that’s a dated reference, but I was a teen in the 1990s! What do you want from me!? I wore a Coffee Bean lipstick!) and somehow manipulates him into apologizing and basically teaming up with her. Huh?

Finally, it’s time for the rose ceremony. Who do we lose?

Juan – he used Nikki on a Bachelor cruise, then tried to apologize during this episode, but it was SO obvious that he was just trying to save his own hyde.

Michelle – It came down to Krisilyn and Michelle at the end. Apparently, crazy outweighs bitchy.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Welcome to the Bachelor Pad!

Pussycats, if you know anything about me, you know that I have an intense love/hate relationship with ABC’s “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” (and that I love almond paste, but who’s keeping track of my likes and dislikes, huh, stalkers?) Well, the genius network minds behind our beloved franchise have changed up the format FOR ONCE and next Monday they will be rolling out a new TV phenomenon, the likes of which have only been seen on the Road Rules vs. Real World Challenge. Yes, lovers, rejects from past seasons of “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” were picked to live in a house… (I bet you think I’m going to do the “Real World” opening credits, don’t you? SURPRISE! No dice, jerkwad) and compete for money, while inevitably engaging in Tom Foolery, hooliganism, and hookups. Heyo!

On Monday August 9th it kicks off and you can bet MONEY that I will be watching (unless I go watch my friend Heidi perform with the BTK band in the East Village, which is a definite possibility—so I might watch it on DVR, EITHER WAY! Gosh, could I catch a break from your judgmental eyes, imagined reader?)

I just went to the “Bachelor Pad” website (pathetic, I know) and some of our favorite losers are back. Gia, the “On The Wings of Love” reject who is rumored to be an escort; Wes, the Austin-based musician who made it through Jillian’s run on the Bachelor while keeping a girlfriend at home; Juan, the Jillian season reject total puss puss who is probably less masculine than I am; Cuddlebug Tenley from Jake’s season of The Bach; Crazypants Michelle from Jake’s bachelor season; and a few others. The most important member of the bachelor pad? HOT PSYCHO IS BACK! Yes, readers, crazy eyes hottie with a crazy temper, David, will be wowing us again with his lessons in “Man Code.” It’s going to be a great season! I’ll be recapping, so check back here regularly!