Monday night was the 3 hour season finale of The Bachelorette and Bachelor Nation waited with baited breath as Joelle Hannah Fletcher chose between the voluminous-haired guy who used to play football or the one who used to swim. Well here comes the spoiler, lovebugs: Our long, national nightmare is over and we’ll no longer be forced to stare at Robby’s beady eyes and singed skin anymore—Jojo chose the lesser of two evils (or at least the hotter), Jordan.
But how did we get there?
We found ourselves back in Phuket, Thailand (“there once was a man from [Nan]Phuket”) with Jojo saying that she’s SO torn because when she’s with Robby, she thinks of Jordan and when she’s with Jordan she thinks of Robby. Oh Joelle Hannah, have you never read any self-help books about just being PRESENT and monitoring your breath so as to not spin off? Just me?
Team Fletcher is in town: mom Soraya (a woman beloved by Bachelor Nation for her practice of drinking wine straight from the bottle), dad Joe (a man also beloved by Bachelor Nation for his resemblance to the dude from Guess Who as my pal Michelle Collins pointed out and the magnetic shavings game as my podcast co-host Dava Krause pointed out. Plus her 2 brothers and a random brunette who didn’t utter a single word (was she a silent sister? Sister-in-law? We’ll never know). Jojo updates the family on her adventure—26 guys, eliminations, travel. She explains hat Jordan is the type of guy who she would “normally” go for (read: a total douche) and with that, he’s arriving with a bouquet in hand!
The family greets him and they all sit down for lunch and Jordan has bought a gift! Fear not, it’s nothing appropriate or respectful or serious, it’s something that is in keeping with HIS family’s tradition of making fun of each other (lil too familiar there, brosef): an assortment of SILLY HATS!
|An actual photo of Jordan preparing to meet Dr. and Mrs. Fletcher in Phuket.
Despite his penchant for corny hats, Soraya feels that Jordan is a playboy and must attract too many women and she tells Jordan that Jojo has trust issues with men. That was a recurring theme among the entire family and it really made me feel for Jojo. Nobody likes it when every member of a family is like, “she’s REALLY messed up,” ya know? Soraya asks Jordan to give his word that he won’t break Jojo’s heart, which stuns Jordan and makes him go silent and fumble some words. Great sign! Despite the refrain that Jordan has been saying for weeks and weeks (“the most important thing in the world is to ask permission of the family, the father”), he fails to do that and has a conversation with Papa Fletcher without asking. In interview footage he explains that he didn’t ask because Robby’s also there, but who cares? Run your own race, Jordy!!
Up next is Robby with a bigger bouquet than Jordan (you know what they say about guys with giant bouquets!) and also a deeper tan. Soraya dives right in, asking Robby what he likes about Jojo to which he responds, “she’s smart and intelligent and that’s a no brainer.” No, Robby, YOU’RE a no brainer (ZING!!!!!). Over lunch, Robby shares the story of when he told Jojo that he loved her and Jojo confirms, that yes, Robby was the first one to say it (but also, this isn’t a goddamn foot race, psychopath. Saying it first doesn’t win you any prize other than “Thirstiest.”) Robby makes a great impression, though, with his calm, serious energy and earnestness. I can see why the family loved him. Jordan rolled up with a sack full of ZANY HATS and was like, “my family LOVES mocking each other and we don’t even SPEAK to the famous one!” while Robby was like, “I will build my entire goddamn life around Joelle.” Like the thirsty adult that he is, Robby asks Dr. Fletcher and Mrs. Fletcher for their blessing and they give it gladly.
Robby departs and the family gathers to tell Jojo that they all prefer Robby, especially because Jordan didn’t bother asking for Joe (AND SORAYA’S) blessing. Jojo is stunned and defends Jordan, which her hot brother comments on. Why does she feel compelled to defend Jordy???
The next day is Robby and Jojo’s final date and they swim, kiss underwater, and talk about the future. Robby paints a picture of suburban life—meatloaf in the oven (no thank you), kids in the other room (raise yourselves, brats!), pizza place within delivery distance (unlikely).
That night Jojo rocks a lovely ombre dress (dark blue fades into white) and share their last moments. Robby reiterates that he wants this forever, he wants her, he knows he loves her (WE GET IT, ROBBY!) and then gives her photos of their courtship. In an interview, he says “the only reserves I have is that maybe I’m blinded by love” and GOOD LORD would someone tell him that the word he’s seeking is “reservations”??
The next day is Jojo’s final date with Jordan she’s wearing white cutoffs, a white bikini top as a bra (girl after my goddamn HEART), and a flowy, long-sleeved top. Jordan greets her on the dock like they’ve been married 20 years and are about to go run some errands (“what’s uuuuup….”). Dude has WAY TOO MUCH CHILL and Jojo reflects his energy by being pretty low key, herself.
They hop in some kayak-like boats and paddle out to a beach where they sit down for a drink and a talk (could I please live in this world were somehow picnic baskets filed with Sauv Blanc are awaiting me everywhere I go?) and Jojo very carefully and calmly asks Jordan WTF he’s thinking. Jojo asks Jordan what he thought of her family, her father, WHY HE DIDN’T ASK DR. JOE FLETCHER FOR GODDAMN PERMISSION TO MARRRY JOELLE HANNAH???? Jordan takes a lesson straight out of the Narcissistic Gaslighters Handbook (popular with a certain Boston improv comedian who I had the misfortune of dating back in 2004) and asks Jojo to put herself in HIS shoes for one second (no thanks, dillweed), then later insists that he didn’t ask permission because he wants to be sure that SHE is into it (sure! Put the blame on HER for why you’re a total chicken). That night, Jojo is still frustrate and “confused” (a great word to trot out when you think someone is a goddamn moron) and tells Jordan that the moment is gone now and you can’t get it back (the moment of asking permission). But wait—thanks to modern technology, it’s NOT! The next day, Jordan acquires an iPhone and calls Joe and Soraya to ask their permission to propose to Jojo. Did you find the way that he addressed them (“hey, Joe and Soraya”) to be much too casual? Dava and I discussed this on the podcast (episode to come) but dude, if you’re asking permission to marry your GF of her parents, how about you lead with “Dr. and Mrs. Fletcher” and then let them correct you, ya know?
Robby and Jordan make the BRUTALLY TOUGH decision of which FREE blood diamond to pick, write last minute love notes to Jojo, and get suited up. Meanwhile, Jojo gets dressed up in a gorgeous flowy gown with low cut neckline (you paid a lotta money for those boobs—show ‘em off!) and beautiful, drapey skirt. Jojo is waiting for her suitors amid a hodge podge of tropical props and religious symbols and who is the first to arrive (meaning, the REJECT)? ROBBY. Aww snap! Somewhere in the world, Robby’s ex-GF Hope is SHRIEKING at the opportunity to watch her ex-BF’s world frigging crumble on network television. Don’t we all wish we could watch that?
Robby starts in on his bland monologue, saying that his future longs for Jojo, his heart yearns for Jojo, love is so deep, fairy tales, yadda yadda yadda. Jojo lets him talk but jumps in before he can get down on one knee, saying that she can’t let him do that and she won’t take that moment from him. Robby looks like he just got hit in the face with a frying pan (maybe an improvement?) as Jojo says that she fell in love with him, but yet her heart is somewhere else. Robby tries to digest this news as Jojo clings to him (BACK OFF, girl), then they exit together and Robby covers his face, sighs loudly, and says “I gotta go, good luck, don’t settle.” In the car, Robby talks about his feelings and, more than anything, it seemed like he found the whole thing unfair, which is pretty hilarious. He said, “she wouldn’t let me get down on one knee—in what world is that OK?” HUH? OK? This isn’t about OK, SwimFan. She doesn’t want to marry you and life is unfair. Baaaaaaaiiiiiiii.
Up next is Jordan in a suit that’s much too small reciting a pretty trite monologue about how much he loves her and that she challenges him to be the best version of himself, best friend, soul mate, blah blah blah and then Jojo interrupts to tell HIM, “I love you so much and I’ve been waiting to tell you that I love you.” Jordan claims that he didn’t NEED to hear that and it wouldn’t have stopped him (REALLY? Cause a day ago you legit said THE OPPOSITE, but whatevzzz). Then we get a sweeping crane shot as Jordan gets down on a knee and gives Joelle Hanna Fletcher a free diamond that he scored off some dude with a briefcase. She says yes, they both say “I love you” enough times to frighten all of Bachelor Nation, and drinks appear (halleluiah).
Before we know it, we’re back in the studio with Chris Harrison, Ben and Lauren from last season, the Bachelor In Paradise Reject Posse, and the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders (huh) and Robby is ready to talk to Jojo. In the intervening moments, Robby definitely got veneers, as his teeth nearly blinded all of Bachelor Nation and you could hear that the inside of his mouth hasn’t yet adjusted to the new chompers (sorta like how teens talk when they have new braces). Yikes. Also, as my bestie Suzanne commented on, he was wearing a bizarre flower pin, as if to say, “I don’t need no stinking rose—I’ll bring my own flower, thank you very much!” Jojo is bronzed within an inch of her life and wearing a strange beige/grey dress that resembles the sheets you throw over furniture when you close the beach house for the season. Robby asks her if she thinks about what life would have been like for them and she essentially says no. Byyyye, Robby.
Finally Jordan comes out and the happy couple kiss and cuddle while saying that the tabloid rumors have been difficult to endure (they HATE US Weekly, it seems), but now they can be normal and eat at Chipotle together (thanks to their savior, People Magazine). Chris Harrison name drops “Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers” far too many times and the lovebirds are gifted a getaway weekend back in PENNSYLVANIA!! A touching ending to a sweet love story.
What did you think of the season, dear readers? Are you fired up for Bachelor In Paradise? I’ll probably do super simple, bulleted list recaps of that one. Mama’s tired!! But also, Mama loves her Bach. Let’s hope that Jojo and Jordy can make it!!