Bachelorette Rachel FINALE! 3 to 1 to 2 (I HATE MATH!)

Pals!

As you probably noticed, my blog reading die-hards, I didn't get around to recapping The Men Tell All.  I'm sorry--last week got away from me because I did a rad show on Monday night then recorded a podcast Tuesday night, then Wednesday night I hit the gym and crawled in bed by 9:00pm like a sleepy dweebus then Thursday I saw a rad bluegrass band down at Coney Island, then the weekend was upon me--yada yada yada.  Also, The Men Tell All episodes can be fun, but I figured this one might just be Lee defending his ignorance/racism/implicit bias and I wasn't in the mood to bother catching up.

ANYHOO.

Last night was the finale and you bet your bottom dollar I tuned in!  This season has been VERY different than previous seasons in many ways (Rachel's family did NOT uproot themselves and fly to paradise to meet 2 guys, her father never appeared on camera, and her nephew has the strangest name I have heard in a long time--Alistair).  So it came as no surprise that Monday night's episode was a bit different than Bachelor Nation is accustomed to. But also, the storyline demanded it.

So we tuned in and our intrepid therapist host, Chris Harrison, was there along with a few dozen screaming women, ready to guide them home.  In a shocking move, who joined him on the live finale studio stage, but RACHEL LINDSEY herself!! Rachel was looking gorgeous in a pinkish/white, tight cocktail dress that enabled her to show major cleavage (more than we saw all season), sexy metallic heels, sparkly hoops, and dark eyes but light lip (great move).  Her hair was curled and she was ready to watch the playback of multiple breakups in a row while an audience watched HER watching her own life.  Wheee! Modern society is completely bonkers!!

We head right back to Rioja, Spain where--if anyone can even remember this--Rachel had her Fantasy Suite date with sweet Eric.  I was always Team Eric, but also, I always knew he probably wouldn't stick the landing.  Sigh.  We left off the next day during her date with Robot Peter and we pickup with them having a heartfelt conversation about the impasse they have reached: Rachel came on the show to find a husband (literally that is the SOLE GOAL of the show) and Peter came on the date to, what, find a GF? Huh? Neither will budge so they use the Fantasy Suite as an opportunity to "discuss things" (wink wink) and perhaps I'm a Fantasy Suite snob, but their setup was pretty underwhelming.  I suppose you can have sweet humps with a short term BF anywhere and it will be fun, but it just seemed like the 'ole Fantasy Suite budget was tight this go-round.  Anybody else?

The next morning they do the 'ole "I woke up like this" and are cutesy with each other as they cook breakfast, sip coffee, and smile, kiss goodbye.

Because Rachel still has a sex date with Bryan!  This Hump Train has a schedule to keep and it's time to GET ON BOARD!!!!

Up next is Bryan and Rachel's date and Rachel waits for him in her best 1990s finery--velvet choker, jeans, plaid shirt tied around her waist, cropped top, and a jean jacket. Goodness it was like walking into a high school dance circa 1994 and I was loving it!  Bryan is wearing a red shirt and jeans (who cares?) and the pair hopped on some horses, then dismounted to drink and discuss his visit to Dallas, which felt like a MILLION years ago.  Bryan tries his best to act like he thought it went fine and that they were skeptical because this arrangement is new to them, NOT because Bryan's a smooth talking weasel, right?

Rachel isn't quite herself and in interview footage, she admits that Peter really did a number on her mentally. Ugh.  Bryan very gingerly commented on it and said that she seemed a little off, the energy feels different (which is very perceptive of him and surprised me) and Rachel takes this to heart, resets, and re-energizes for Bryan, which really impressed me.

ALSO, during all of this as we cut to commercial, Chris Harrison promotes trailers for a few upcoming fall NBC sitcoms and WOW white men are making adventures HAPPEN in the fall line-up!

But back to Rachel and the rad, 80s style black suit jacket/dress with fringed edging that she wore for "dinner" with Bryan.  She looks great and seems focused on Bryan, so they head to the Fantasy Suite (his response to the date card was admittedly very funny and charming).  The next morning, Rachel and Bryan are lovey-dovey but everybody needs to get home to get cleaned up for the Rose Ceremony!

Rachel roams through the fields of a winery in a BEAUTIFUL red, flowy dress with intricate beading on the sleeves and a flattering waistline as the guys arrive.  Eric is in a scoop neck shirt and dark suit with cool, white sneakers.  Bryan is in a grey suit jacket with black edging that makes him look like he put a grey suit jacket over a black suit jacket, and Peter is looking hot BUT HE IS A ROBOT AND CANNOT EXPERIENCE HUMAN EMOTIONS!! The Scientists who built Peter probably dressed him, so I can't give any credit to Peter directly.

Rachel arrives and says something to all 3 guys that is a direct message to Peter, "I came here to cultivate a relationship that moves toward the common goal of marriage" and all of Bachelor Nation screamed my new tagline directly at Peter, "GOODNIGHT, BIIIIIITCH!"

Alas, it wasn't to be!  Rachel gave roses to....

Bryan then
PETER!!

Poor Eric was sent home.  He handled it with SUCH grace, class, kindness that Rachel joked that se felt like perhaps she had made the wrong decision. Unlike most other guys who parlay this into dates once they are done, I really hope that this experience DOES open up some opportunities for sweet Eric.  He was graceful from start to finish and watching him blossom from anxious dude on night 1 (those SHOULDERS were CRUNCHED UP) to confident, calm suitor on the way out was a treat. Much love to you, Eric.

[Gosh I get too emotional with all of this but these people are REAL PEOPLE and also I'm just sort of weepy lately because you just never know what will happen in life and a friend got a scary diagnosis lately and it makes me so sad and scared. Sorry for this aside. Thank you all for reading my wacko recaps--I genuinely, truly appreciate it. OK let's get back out there and judge some boys, shall we?]

So we're down to Peter the Robot who refuses to budge about his commitment to only proposing ONCE in his life and Bryan the slippery suave Miami boy who has always been 100% into Rachel and I have somehow hated for it, but wait, why is that a bad thing? If it's GENUINE (and that's where I lose faith somewhat) then let it rip.

Bryan and Rachel have a final date up in a hot air balloon (my nightmare) and then they have an evening make-out date during which Bryan presents Rachel with a customized Spanish-English dictionary, but the worse he has "customized" are so boring--just "wife," "husband," "forever." Dude--I thought that perhaps you were going to do something cute or funny!  But no, you're really not capable of that.  Sigh.

The next day Rachel and Peter have their final date and when they're not getting marriage advice from a monk they are still debating the issue of whether or not Peter is capable of proposing.  Man.  Is THIS the hill you want to die on, Peter?  Rachel phrases it SO perfectly, saying that Peter talks about their future together and how he can see it--where they will live, trips they will take, what sized mattress they will buy (seriously), yet he somehow can't take the necessary step to GET THEM THERE.  She's able to perfectly verbalize things that would prompt me to just scream, "WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?" and run off searching for the monk to console me.  Also her camo jacket was perfection.

That night, Peter and Rachel talk in circles some more, to no avail.  Rachel feels confused and, as a tough love sister once told me, if you're confused or unsure where you stand with a guy, well, there's your answer.  He's just not that in to you. It's hard to hear, but it's true.

And so it was with Peter--he has CHOSEN to set up a roadblock for himself and obey this strange rule. I know PLENTY of people who have been engaged and called it off.  I know PLENTY of people who have gotten divorces.  Sure, you don't want to walk into reality TV dating stuff with the idea that marriage is a joke, but also, let yourself LIVE, Robot Peter!!  But you can't because you're a robot.

Oh also, let's not forget when Peter dropped a line he will NEVER LIVE DOWN, which is when he encouraged her to essentially, get engaged just to be engaged and "go find someone to have a mediocre life with."

FUCK YOU.

Fuck off.  No.  You do NOT get to try and SCARE Rachel into waiting for you.  That is so manipulative and you know it is, dude.

For as much as I don't really love Bryan, I gotta admit that the Peter vs. Bryan match up really felt like a situation in which the girl decided to FINALLY stop taking emotional bullshit from a guy who she had pined after for SO LONG (I can relate WOW WOW WOW) and decided to instead, go for a guy who is NICE TO HER and OPENLY LOVES HER (spoiler alert) and people now act like she "settled." She didn't settle. There's NOTHING WRONG with accepting the love of a kind, devoted, emotionally available man and fuck you for claiming that by accepting healthy, unconditional love, you are somehow settling.

Hoooo boy!  That got me all riled up! But I think that years of having guys pull bullshit like that on me (just manipulative moves to make you not trust your own judgment and not accept love) have made me able to sniff this out.

Rachel and Peter both agree that they are going to regret this decision but what else can they do? Peter won't budge and Rachel didn't come on this show to just keep dating.  They walk to the elevators.  By this point, Rachel has cried off her fake eyelashes (hilarious) and after some last kisses, she takes the stairs as Peter cries and asks himself, "What is wrong with me?"  We're ALL wondering that, you idiot.  When you let a beautiful, accomplished, successful, funny, easygoing woman with a killer career WALK OUT OF YOUR LIFE, there is something wrong with you.

And when Peter came out to face Rachel, Chris Harrison, and the studio audience, it was TENSE!  It felt like Peter is still processing this and kicking himself for being unwilling to take a chance.  I bet he'll look back on this in a few years and realize what a mistake he made.  I kept waiting for there to be a moment of levity between them, or even a moment of levity FOR HIM, where he admitted that maybe he was too strict with his own weird rules, but it never came.  I really feel bad for him--he'll live to regret this.

But onto the HAPPY ENDING!!!

Rachel gets ready (loved that shot of her supposedly curling her hair when the iron was probably turned off-ha) and Bryan picks out his blood diamond (you know how I feel about diamonds, dear readers) and shows up to the appointed location--a Spanish mountaintop that was SUNNY and beautiful JUST BEFORE Bryan arrived, but turned into a goddamn TWISTER once he got there.  HA!





Bryan arrived in a black suit, white shirt which was classic cool against Rachel's fierce sparkly, beaded, slinky silver dress with SUPER HIGH THIGH SLIT (yazzzz) and sparkly earrings.  Bryan does his monologue, telling her how he liked her from the start, he wants her to be his wife and the mother of his children and he hopes she feels the same.  She demures a bit and then tips her hand, saying that he was too perfect and she was trying to find cracks in the foundation because she's used to difficult relationships, but he's the perfect foundation and that she sees her forever with him.  He JUMPS on her and she has to shout "WAIT" and push him off a bit so that she can tell him that she loves him (that was cute), then they kiss HARD and Bryan gets down on his knee.  Rachel shrieks and is elated, then they make out more as the twister SWIRLS AROUND THEM!!!  GET SOME SHELTER, YOU CRAZY LOVEBIRDS!!

In the studio, Bryan comes out and gets down on one knee in front of Rachel AGAIN, asking her to "re-marry him" (which felt VERY odd but was because she didn't want to wear the ring before and spill the beans).

They're both very happy, but a few of their remarks gave me pause: they haven't decided where they will settle (Miami or Dallas or maybe LA, they say. Yiiiiikes.) Also they don't seem to have given much thought to the future and their shared claims that their respective families LOVE their engagement rung a little hollow to me.

For their sake, I really hope that this is like a Desiree/Chris situation where The Bachelorette was so focused on ONE guy (in Desiree's case that tall Mormon guy who was NOT hot; in Rachel's, Peter) and then he essentially broke her heart so she finally noticed the strong and steady who had been there all along (Chris, Bryan).  I appreciate that Rachel got what she wanted--a man who wants to propose and be married.  Bryan is 37, so hell yeah, he's ready for that, it seems.  I'm psyched for Rachel that she chose the path of love and acceptance and didn't roll the dice with Peter and sacrifice her own needs.

I wish Bryan and Rachel much luck!!  And for their sake, I hope they get out of LA and try something real.

If you want to listen to the lovely Dava Krause and me discuss this finale point by point, take a listen to our podcast The Fantasy Suite here.

Next week Bachelor In Paradise starts and I'll probably live tweet it when I can, but Mama needs her Monday nights back!!

Thank you all for reading this season!  What did you think of the finale!? Who do you think they will select as the next Bachelor??

Bachelorette Jojo FINALE: There once was a man from [Nan]Phuket

Monday night was the 3 hour season finale of The Bachelorette and Bachelor Nation waited with baited breath as Joelle Hannah Fletcher chose between the voluminous-haired guy who used to play football or the one who used to swim.  Well here comes the spoiler, lovebugs: Our long, national nightmare is over and we’ll no longer be forced to stare at Robby’s beady eyes and singed skin anymore—Jojo chose the lesser of two evils (or at least the hotter), Jordan. 

But how did we get there?

We found ourselves back in Phuket, Thailand (“there once was a man from [Nan]Phuket”) with Jojo saying that she’s SO torn because when she’s with Robby, she thinks of Jordan and when she’s with Jordan she thinks of Robby. Oh Joelle Hannah, have you never read any self-help books about just being PRESENT and monitoring your breath so as to not spin off?  Just me? 

Team Fletcher is in town: mom Soraya (a woman beloved by Bachelor Nation for her practice of drinking wine straight from the bottle), dad Joe (a man also beloved by Bachelor Nation for his resemblance to the dude from Guess Who as my pal Michelle Collins pointed out and the magnetic shavings game as my podcast co-host Dava Krause pointed out. Plus her 2 brothers and a random brunette who didn’t utter a single word (was she a silent sister? Sister-in-law? We’ll never know).  Jojo updates the family on her adventure—26 guys, eliminations, travel. She explains hat Jordan is the type of guy who she would “normally” go for (read: a total douche) and with that, he’s arriving with a bouquet in hand! 

The family greets him and they all sit down for lunch and Jordan has bought a gift!  Fear not, it’s nothing appropriate or respectful or serious, it’s something that is in keeping with HIS family’s tradition of making fun of each other (lil too familiar there, brosef): an assortment of SILLY HATS! 

An actual photo of Jordan preparing to meet Dr. and Mrs. Fletcher in Phuket.

Despite his penchant for corny hats, Soraya feels that Jordan is a playboy and must attract too many women and she tells Jordan that Jojo has trust issues with men.  That was a recurring theme among the entire family and it really made me feel for Jojo. Nobody likes it when every member of a family is like, “she’s REALLY messed up,” ya know?  Soraya asks Jordan to give his word that he won’t break Jojo’s heart, which stuns Jordan and makes him go silent and fumble some words. Great sign! Despite the refrain that Jordan has been saying for weeks and weeks (“the most important thing in the world is to ask permission of the family, the father”), he fails to do that and has a conversation with Papa Fletcher without asking. In interview footage he explains that he didn’t ask because Robby’s also there, but who cares? Run your own race, Jordy!!

Up next is Robby with a bigger bouquet than Jordan (you know what they say about guys with giant bouquets!) and also a deeper tan. Soraya dives right in, asking Robby what he likes about Jojo to which he responds, “she’s smart and intelligent and that’s a no brainer.” No, Robby, YOU’RE a no brainer (ZING!!!!!).  Over lunch, Robby shares the story of when he told Jojo that he loved her and Jojo confirms, that yes, Robby was the first one to say it (but also, this isn’t a goddamn foot race, psychopath. Saying it first doesn’t win you any prize other than “Thirstiest.”) Robby makes a great impression, though, with his calm, serious energy and earnestness.  I can see why the family loved him.  Jordan rolled up with a sack full of ZANY HATS and was like, “my family LOVES mocking each other and we don’t even SPEAK to the famous one!” while Robby was like, “I will build my entire goddamn life around Joelle.” Like the thirsty adult that he is, Robby asks Dr. Fletcher and Mrs. Fletcher for their blessing and they give it gladly. 

Robby departs and the family gathers to tell Jojo that they all prefer Robby, especially because Jordan didn’t bother asking for Joe (AND SORAYA’S) blessing.  Jojo is stunned and defends Jordan, which her hot brother comments on.  Why does she feel compelled to defend Jordy???

The next day is Robby and Jojo’s final date and they swim, kiss underwater, and talk about the future. Robby paints a picture of suburban life—meatloaf in the oven (no thank you), kids in the other room (raise yourselves, brats!), pizza place within delivery distance (unlikely). 

That night Jojo rocks a lovely ombre dress (dark blue fades into white) and share their last moments. Robby reiterates that he wants this forever, he wants her, he knows he loves her (WE GET IT, ROBBY!) and then gives her photos of their courtship.  In an interview, he says “the only reserves I have is that maybe I’m blinded by love” and GOOD LORD would someone tell him that the word he’s seeking is “reservations”??

The next day is Jojo’s final date with Jordan she’s wearing white cutoffs, a white bikini top as a bra (girl after my goddamn HEART), and a flowy, long-sleeved top.  Jordan greets her on the dock like they’ve been married 20 years and are about to go run some errands (“what’s uuuuup….”). Dude has WAY TOO MUCH CHILL and Jojo reflects his energy by being pretty low key, herself. 

They hop in some kayak-like boats and paddle out to a beach where they sit down for a drink and a talk (could I please live in this world were somehow picnic baskets filed with Sauv Blanc are awaiting me everywhere I go?) and Jojo very carefully and calmly asks Jordan WTF he’s thinking.  Jojo asks Jordan what he thought of her family, her father, WHY HE DIDN’T ASK DR. JOE FLETCHER FOR GODDAMN PERMISSION TO MARRRY JOELLE HANNAH???? Jordan takes a lesson straight out of the Narcissistic Gaslighters Handbook (popular with a certain Boston improv comedian who I had the misfortune of dating back in 2004) and asks Jojo to put herself in HIS shoes for one second (no thanks, dillweed), then later insists that he didn’t ask permission because he wants to be sure that SHE is into it (sure! Put the blame on HER for why you’re a total chicken).  That night, Jojo is still frustrate and “confused” (a great word to trot out when you think someone is a goddamn moron) and tells Jordan that the moment is gone now and you can’t get it back (the moment of asking permission).  But wait—thanks to modern technology, it’s NOT!  The next day, Jordan acquires an iPhone and calls Joe and Soraya to ask their permission to propose to Jojo. Did you find the way that he addressed them (“hey, Joe and Soraya”) to be much too casual? Dava and I discussed this on the podcast (episode to come) but dude, if you’re asking permission to marry your GF of her parents, how about you lead with “Dr. and Mrs. Fletcher” and then let them correct you, ya know? 

Robby and Jordan make the BRUTALLY TOUGH decision of which FREE blood diamond to pick, write last minute love notes to Jojo, and get suited up.  Meanwhile, Jojo gets dressed up in a gorgeous flowy gown with low cut neckline (you paid a lotta money for those boobs—show ‘em off!) and beautiful, drapey skirt.  Jojo is waiting for her suitors amid a hodge podge of tropical props and religious symbols and who is the first to arrive (meaning, the REJECT)? ROBBY. Aww snap! Somewhere in the world, Robby’s ex-GF Hope is SHRIEKING at the opportunity to watch her ex-BF’s world frigging crumble on network television.  Don’t we all wish we could watch that? 

Robby starts in on his bland monologue, saying that his future longs for Jojo, his heart yearns for Jojo, love is so deep, fairy tales, yadda yadda yadda.  Jojo lets him talk but jumps in before he can get down on one knee, saying that she can’t let him do that and she won’t take that moment from him.  Robby looks like he just got hit in the face with a frying pan (maybe an improvement?) as Jojo says that she fell in love with him, but yet her heart is somewhere else.  Robby tries to digest this news as Jojo clings to him (BACK OFF, girl), then they exit together and Robby covers his face, sighs loudly, and says “I gotta go, good luck, don’t settle.”  In the car, Robby talks about his feelings and, more than anything, it seemed like he found the whole thing unfair, which is pretty hilarious.  He said, “she wouldn’t let me get down on one knee—in what world is that OK?”  HUH?  OK? This isn’t about OK, SwimFan. She doesn’t want to marry you and life is unfair. Baaaaaaaiiiiiiii.

Up next is Jordan in a suit that’s much too small reciting a pretty trite monologue about how much he loves her and that she challenges him to be the best version of himself, best friend, soul mate, blah blah blah and then Jojo interrupts to tell HIM, “I love you so much and I’ve been waiting to tell you that I love you.” Jordan claims that he didn’t NEED to hear that and it wouldn’t have stopped him (REALLY? Cause a day ago you legit said THE OPPOSITE, but whatevzzz). Then we get a sweeping crane shot as Jordan gets down on a knee and gives Joelle Hanna Fletcher a free diamond that he scored off some dude with a briefcase.  She says yes, they both say “I love you” enough times to frighten all of Bachelor Nation, and drinks appear (halleluiah). 

Before we know it, we’re back in the studio with Chris Harrison, Ben and Lauren from last season, the Bachelor In Paradise Reject Posse, and the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders (huh) and Robby is ready to talk to Jojo. In the intervening moments, Robby definitely got veneers, as his teeth nearly blinded all of Bachelor Nation and you could hear that the inside of his mouth hasn’t yet adjusted to the new chompers (sorta like how teens talk when they have new braces). Yikes. Also, as my bestie Suzanne commented on, he was wearing a bizarre flower pin, as if to say, “I don’t need no stinking rose—I’ll bring my own flower, thank you very much!”  Jojo is bronzed within an inch of her life and wearing a strange beige/grey dress that resembles the sheets you throw over furniture when you close the beach house for the season. Robby asks her if she thinks about what life would have been like for them and she essentially says no. Byyyye, Robby. 

Finally Jordan comes out and the happy couple kiss and cuddle while saying that the tabloid rumors have been difficult to endure (they HATE US Weekly, it seems), but now they can be normal and eat at Chipotle together (thanks to their savior, People Magazine).  Chris Harrison name drops “Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers” far too many times and the lovebirds are gifted a getaway weekend back in PENNSYLVANIA!!  A touching ending to a sweet love story. 

What did you think of the season, dear readers?  Are you fired up for Bachelor In Paradise?  I’ll probably do super simple, bulleted list recaps of that one.  Mama’s tired!! But also, Mama loves her Bach.  Let’s hope that Jojo and Jordy can make it!!