Bachelorette Rachel FINALE! 3 to 1 to 2 (I HATE MATH!)

Pals!

As you probably noticed, my blog reading die-hards, I didn't get around to recapping The Men Tell All.  I'm sorry--last week got away from me because I did a rad show on Monday night then recorded a podcast Tuesday night, then Wednesday night I hit the gym and crawled in bed by 9:00pm like a sleepy dweebus then Thursday I saw a rad bluegrass band down at Coney Island, then the weekend was upon me--yada yada yada.  Also, The Men Tell All episodes can be fun, but I figured this one might just be Lee defending his ignorance/racism/implicit bias and I wasn't in the mood to bother catching up.

ANYHOO.

Last night was the finale and you bet your bottom dollar I tuned in!  This season has been VERY different than previous seasons in many ways (Rachel's family did NOT uproot themselves and fly to paradise to meet 2 guys, her father never appeared on camera, and her nephew has the strangest name I have heard in a long time--Alistair).  So it came as no surprise that Monday night's episode was a bit different than Bachelor Nation is accustomed to. But also, the storyline demanded it.

So we tuned in and our intrepid therapist host, Chris Harrison, was there along with a few dozen screaming women, ready to guide them home.  In a shocking move, who joined him on the live finale studio stage, but RACHEL LINDSEY herself!! Rachel was looking gorgeous in a pinkish/white, tight cocktail dress that enabled her to show major cleavage (more than we saw all season), sexy metallic heels, sparkly hoops, and dark eyes but light lip (great move).  Her hair was curled and she was ready to watch the playback of multiple breakups in a row while an audience watched HER watching her own life.  Wheee! Modern society is completely bonkers!!

We head right back to Rioja, Spain where--if anyone can even remember this--Rachel had her Fantasy Suite date with sweet Eric.  I was always Team Eric, but also, I always knew he probably wouldn't stick the landing.  Sigh.  We left off the next day during her date with Robot Peter and we pickup with them having a heartfelt conversation about the impasse they have reached: Rachel came on the show to find a husband (literally that is the SOLE GOAL of the show) and Peter came on the date to, what, find a GF? Huh? Neither will budge so they use the Fantasy Suite as an opportunity to "discuss things" (wink wink) and perhaps I'm a Fantasy Suite snob, but their setup was pretty underwhelming.  I suppose you can have sweet humps with a short term BF anywhere and it will be fun, but it just seemed like the 'ole Fantasy Suite budget was tight this go-round.  Anybody else?

The next morning they do the 'ole "I woke up like this" and are cutesy with each other as they cook breakfast, sip coffee, and smile, kiss goodbye.

Because Rachel still has a sex date with Bryan!  This Hump Train has a schedule to keep and it's time to GET ON BOARD!!!!

Up next is Bryan and Rachel's date and Rachel waits for him in her best 1990s finery--velvet choker, jeans, plaid shirt tied around her waist, cropped top, and a jean jacket. Goodness it was like walking into a high school dance circa 1994 and I was loving it!  Bryan is wearing a red shirt and jeans (who cares?) and the pair hopped on some horses, then dismounted to drink and discuss his visit to Dallas, which felt like a MILLION years ago.  Bryan tries his best to act like he thought it went fine and that they were skeptical because this arrangement is new to them, NOT because Bryan's a smooth talking weasel, right?

Rachel isn't quite herself and in interview footage, she admits that Peter really did a number on her mentally. Ugh.  Bryan very gingerly commented on it and said that she seemed a little off, the energy feels different (which is very perceptive of him and surprised me) and Rachel takes this to heart, resets, and re-energizes for Bryan, which really impressed me.

ALSO, during all of this as we cut to commercial, Chris Harrison promotes trailers for a few upcoming fall NBC sitcoms and WOW white men are making adventures HAPPEN in the fall line-up!

But back to Rachel and the rad, 80s style black suit jacket/dress with fringed edging that she wore for "dinner" with Bryan.  She looks great and seems focused on Bryan, so they head to the Fantasy Suite (his response to the date card was admittedly very funny and charming).  The next morning, Rachel and Bryan are lovey-dovey but everybody needs to get home to get cleaned up for the Rose Ceremony!

Rachel roams through the fields of a winery in a BEAUTIFUL red, flowy dress with intricate beading on the sleeves and a flattering waistline as the guys arrive.  Eric is in a scoop neck shirt and dark suit with cool, white sneakers.  Bryan is in a grey suit jacket with black edging that makes him look like he put a grey suit jacket over a black suit jacket, and Peter is looking hot BUT HE IS A ROBOT AND CANNOT EXPERIENCE HUMAN EMOTIONS!! The Scientists who built Peter probably dressed him, so I can't give any credit to Peter directly.

Rachel arrives and says something to all 3 guys that is a direct message to Peter, "I came here to cultivate a relationship that moves toward the common goal of marriage" and all of Bachelor Nation screamed my new tagline directly at Peter, "GOODNIGHT, BIIIIIITCH!"

Alas, it wasn't to be!  Rachel gave roses to....

Bryan then
PETER!!

Poor Eric was sent home.  He handled it with SUCH grace, class, kindness that Rachel joked that se felt like perhaps she had made the wrong decision. Unlike most other guys who parlay this into dates once they are done, I really hope that this experience DOES open up some opportunities for sweet Eric.  He was graceful from start to finish and watching him blossom from anxious dude on night 1 (those SHOULDERS were CRUNCHED UP) to confident, calm suitor on the way out was a treat. Much love to you, Eric.

[Gosh I get too emotional with all of this but these people are REAL PEOPLE and also I'm just sort of weepy lately because you just never know what will happen in life and a friend got a scary diagnosis lately and it makes me so sad and scared. Sorry for this aside. Thank you all for reading my wacko recaps--I genuinely, truly appreciate it. OK let's get back out there and judge some boys, shall we?]

So we're down to Peter the Robot who refuses to budge about his commitment to only proposing ONCE in his life and Bryan the slippery suave Miami boy who has always been 100% into Rachel and I have somehow hated for it, but wait, why is that a bad thing? If it's GENUINE (and that's where I lose faith somewhat) then let it rip.

Bryan and Rachel have a final date up in a hot air balloon (my nightmare) and then they have an evening make-out date during which Bryan presents Rachel with a customized Spanish-English dictionary, but the worse he has "customized" are so boring--just "wife," "husband," "forever." Dude--I thought that perhaps you were going to do something cute or funny!  But no, you're really not capable of that.  Sigh.

The next day Rachel and Peter have their final date and when they're not getting marriage advice from a monk they are still debating the issue of whether or not Peter is capable of proposing.  Man.  Is THIS the hill you want to die on, Peter?  Rachel phrases it SO perfectly, saying that Peter talks about their future together and how he can see it--where they will live, trips they will take, what sized mattress they will buy (seriously), yet he somehow can't take the necessary step to GET THEM THERE.  She's able to perfectly verbalize things that would prompt me to just scream, "WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?" and run off searching for the monk to console me.  Also her camo jacket was perfection.

That night, Peter and Rachel talk in circles some more, to no avail.  Rachel feels confused and, as a tough love sister once told me, if you're confused or unsure where you stand with a guy, well, there's your answer.  He's just not that in to you. It's hard to hear, but it's true.

And so it was with Peter--he has CHOSEN to set up a roadblock for himself and obey this strange rule. I know PLENTY of people who have been engaged and called it off.  I know PLENTY of people who have gotten divorces.  Sure, you don't want to walk into reality TV dating stuff with the idea that marriage is a joke, but also, let yourself LIVE, Robot Peter!!  But you can't because you're a robot.

Oh also, let's not forget when Peter dropped a line he will NEVER LIVE DOWN, which is when he encouraged her to essentially, get engaged just to be engaged and "go find someone to have a mediocre life with."

FUCK YOU.

Fuck off.  No.  You do NOT get to try and SCARE Rachel into waiting for you.  That is so manipulative and you know it is, dude.

For as much as I don't really love Bryan, I gotta admit that the Peter vs. Bryan match up really felt like a situation in which the girl decided to FINALLY stop taking emotional bullshit from a guy who she had pined after for SO LONG (I can relate WOW WOW WOW) and decided to instead, go for a guy who is NICE TO HER and OPENLY LOVES HER (spoiler alert) and people now act like she "settled." She didn't settle. There's NOTHING WRONG with accepting the love of a kind, devoted, emotionally available man and fuck you for claiming that by accepting healthy, unconditional love, you are somehow settling.

Hoooo boy!  That got me all riled up! But I think that years of having guys pull bullshit like that on me (just manipulative moves to make you not trust your own judgment and not accept love) have made me able to sniff this out.

Rachel and Peter both agree that they are going to regret this decision but what else can they do? Peter won't budge and Rachel didn't come on this show to just keep dating.  They walk to the elevators.  By this point, Rachel has cried off her fake eyelashes (hilarious) and after some last kisses, she takes the stairs as Peter cries and asks himself, "What is wrong with me?"  We're ALL wondering that, you idiot.  When you let a beautiful, accomplished, successful, funny, easygoing woman with a killer career WALK OUT OF YOUR LIFE, there is something wrong with you.

And when Peter came out to face Rachel, Chris Harrison, and the studio audience, it was TENSE!  It felt like Peter is still processing this and kicking himself for being unwilling to take a chance.  I bet he'll look back on this in a few years and realize what a mistake he made.  I kept waiting for there to be a moment of levity between them, or even a moment of levity FOR HIM, where he admitted that maybe he was too strict with his own weird rules, but it never came.  I really feel bad for him--he'll live to regret this.

But onto the HAPPY ENDING!!!

Rachel gets ready (loved that shot of her supposedly curling her hair when the iron was probably turned off-ha) and Bryan picks out his blood diamond (you know how I feel about diamonds, dear readers) and shows up to the appointed location--a Spanish mountaintop that was SUNNY and beautiful JUST BEFORE Bryan arrived, but turned into a goddamn TWISTER once he got there.  HA!





Bryan arrived in a black suit, white shirt which was classic cool against Rachel's fierce sparkly, beaded, slinky silver dress with SUPER HIGH THIGH SLIT (yazzzz) and sparkly earrings.  Bryan does his monologue, telling her how he liked her from the start, he wants her to be his wife and the mother of his children and he hopes she feels the same.  She demures a bit and then tips her hand, saying that he was too perfect and she was trying to find cracks in the foundation because she's used to difficult relationships, but he's the perfect foundation and that she sees her forever with him.  He JUMPS on her and she has to shout "WAIT" and push him off a bit so that she can tell him that she loves him (that was cute), then they kiss HARD and Bryan gets down on his knee.  Rachel shrieks and is elated, then they make out more as the twister SWIRLS AROUND THEM!!!  GET SOME SHELTER, YOU CRAZY LOVEBIRDS!!

In the studio, Bryan comes out and gets down on one knee in front of Rachel AGAIN, asking her to "re-marry him" (which felt VERY odd but was because she didn't want to wear the ring before and spill the beans).

They're both very happy, but a few of their remarks gave me pause: they haven't decided where they will settle (Miami or Dallas or maybe LA, they say. Yiiiiikes.) Also they don't seem to have given much thought to the future and their shared claims that their respective families LOVE their engagement rung a little hollow to me.

For their sake, I really hope that this is like a Desiree/Chris situation where The Bachelorette was so focused on ONE guy (in Desiree's case that tall Mormon guy who was NOT hot; in Rachel's, Peter) and then he essentially broke her heart so she finally noticed the strong and steady who had been there all along (Chris, Bryan).  I appreciate that Rachel got what she wanted--a man who wants to propose and be married.  Bryan is 37, so hell yeah, he's ready for that, it seems.  I'm psyched for Rachel that she chose the path of love and acceptance and didn't roll the dice with Peter and sacrifice her own needs.

I wish Bryan and Rachel much luck!!  And for their sake, I hope they get out of LA and try something real.

If you want to listen to the lovely Dava Krause and me discuss this finale point by point, take a listen to our podcast The Fantasy Suite here.

Next week Bachelor In Paradise starts and I'll probably live tweet it when I can, but Mama needs her Monday nights back!!

Thank you all for reading this season!  What did you think of the finale!? Who do you think they will select as the next Bachelor??

Bachelor Nick V: Random Ep from Monday 2/27

PALS!

I am SUPER late with this recap of whatever-the-heck we saw on Monday 2/27.  That evening I was flying back from Puerto Rico where I went on my yearly Adult Spring Break trip.  First off, if you want a lovely place to visit that FEELS like an international trip with doesn't involve changing currency or toting a passport, I highly recommend Puerto Rico! My pal Chelsea and I stayed at the El San Juan which was featured in The Bachelor! How much of a Bachelor psychopath am I? The lady who checked us in appreciated that I knew that tidbit. It's pretty pathetic to admit, but so much of what I know about geography is thanks to The Bachelor. I don’t think I would have known what Vieques WAS, if they hadn’t gone there on an episode (was that during Juan Pablo's season?).  We went into Old San Juan one evening and I was wishing that I was on a daytime date—trying on hats, popping into bars—my own little Bachelor day! 

OK so I finally watched Monday's episode and what a strange situation--a single hour and we get a visit from Andi, a rose ceremony, and then a detailed sexual history of Raven. So weird! 

We start off with Andi "surprising" Nick (I couldn't tell if he was totally unsurprised or just low energy) with a visit to his Brooklyn hotel and trying to act like she has something important to say ("we'll need whiskey for this conversation") when she really doesn't.  It's a cute conversation between exes and, of course, Andi mentions Nick's cringe-worthy question "why did you make love with me if you didn't love me?" because she LOVES trotting that one out and feeling like SHE was somehow done wrong by Nick. Girl, YOU dumped HIM so I'm sorry, but he gets to play the victim card here. Her hair looks amazing and her outfit is fantastic--no surprise.  I always love her style and I'll admit that her Instagram is pretty cute--lots of fashion shots of her in the street in the West Village and I can dig it.  Andi gives Nick what she calls a "feminist rant" (encouraging him to have sex w/ the ladies if he wants to), but I don't think a feminist rant about not feeling ashamed of ones sexuality needs to be directed at a DUDE, ya know? Society isn't punishing DUDES for being sexually active--it encourages that as a sign of machismo. But I digress. Andi leaves Nick with a strange mantra: be kind, have fun, and most importantly, fall in love, which sounds like it came off of a series of Bachelor themed greeting cards (wait--great business idea?) or maybe is something that lifelong Bachelor producers have tattooed on their bums.  

Before we know it, Nick is looking SHARP in an all black suite (black tie, black shirt, black suit--GREAT look) and the ladies are waiting and freezing.  Who gets roses and thus a 1 way ticket to SexyTown, USA, population: Nick and you? 

-Raven: first rose! Raven's rocking some perfect bronzer and a dark lip, plus a sparkly black dress and black jacket with some type of red details. Great look and I've been a Raven fan since the start.
-Rachel: sporting a super flatting green, one shoulder dress with a grey jacket over. I adore Rachel and she definitely feels strongly for Nick at this point, but it is SO ODD to watch this play out and know that he sends her home soon! I'm sure the producers HAD to reveal that she's the next Bachelorette (probably threats of a leak from inside the Bachelor camp), but still, WTF? 
-Vanessa: looking gorgeous in a grayish/tan-ish flowy dress with an interesting neckline, sparkly earrings, and fierce leather jacket. 

So, at long last, Corinne and her platinum vagine are going back to Florida so that she can eat cheesy pasta made by Raquel and "run" her parents' "multi-million dollar company."  I'll admit that I never thought Corinne would make it this far. I thought she'd be comparable to Tierra and burn out within 5 episodes or so.  Before she leaves, let's discuss her outfit: she rocks a fuzzy, ombre jacket (from Bebe I think I read online) over a VERY revealing black dress that's low cut on the breasts and ALSO cut up BOTH legs. So basically, sparkly fabric strips worn on a vern chilly, very windy Brooklyn night.  

Upon hearing that Vanessa is getting the final rose, Corinne sorta smiles, then bursts into tears but I felt like it was an act. Am I too cynical? What did you think? Her entire exit just felt very carefully choreographed by her in order to make her look good.  Perhaps she was jockeying to be the next Bachelorette? It just all felt too deliberate. I mean, she and Nick start walking out down the stairs and she stops him mid-stairway and says that she's sorry if she ever did anything to make him upset. HUH? Girl, that makes no sense and you know it doesn't! But she is doing a SUPERB job of making herself seem sympathetic on the way out.  She hops in the limo and rants about how she will NEVER AGAIN "kiss up" to a man, which was a weird thought on your way out of a dating COMPETITION show, but whatever. Her exit made me wonder if she was ever really into NICK or mores just into winning and pissing off Taylor.  

Next the gang is all heading to Finland for fantasy suite dates in the frozen tundra! Peel off those long johns and let's do the nasty! Raven gets the first fantasy suite date and bless her Razorback heart, she is VERY candid about the fact that she has only "had sex with" (love that she doesn't use corny euphemisms) one person and he did NOT make her orgasm. She seems pretty surprised that her ex never made her orgasm and it's positively charming.  Girl, plenty of guys 1. don't know how to make a woman cum; and 2. don't care. Oh gosh how much of a sad veteran living in the land of Bad Lays do I sound like? My point is this: Raven, sometimes you gotta take care of YOU. Plant your own garden, so to speak. And it's quite a bit of pressure to the fantasy suite situation to be like, "OK Nick let's be alone without cameras for the first time, let's hump it down, AND you'd better make me cum. Here we go!"  

Nick and Raven have a sweet daytime date of drinking, cuddling, and losing at darts before they retire to their Hump Cottage.  But wait--first they have dinner and Raven gives a pretty beautiful little monologue that ends with her saying "I do love you" to Nick.  I loved her off-the-shoulder red top but ALSO I loved what her father has always prayed for her: that she would have an easy love.  I can mock reality TV dating shows with the best of 'em but that "easy love" line really struck me. It also made me realize that this guy who I've been pining after for 2 years off and on is absolutely NOT an easy love, so I should walk away and also maybe I should start praying--hell, it's gotta be more powerful than staying on Tinder. 

Nick says that he likes women with big personality and an edge and describes Raven as the perfect combination of salty and sweet, which makes her sound like kettle corn and I LOVE THAT STUFF! They discuss ironing versus steaming (I'm Team Iron 100%, sorry Raven) and other such issues that they probably discuss in those Pre-Cana classes. Then they're off to the Sex Chamber and the bed is set up beneath a bunch of windows so that they can see the Northern Lights from their bed, so maybe Reverse Cowgirl or Doggystyle? Wow this recap has become one of my most crass ones! Sorry/you're welcome!  

And that was that--what a STRANGE episode!  Next week ABC serves up three hours of Bachelor and I already feel like I'm overdosing. First we'll see the other 2 fantasy suite dates and a rose ceremony (will he send Rachel home?) THEN we'll experience everybody's favorite episode, the women tell all! Taylor and Corinne will face off and I'll bet $100 that Taylor mentions "emotional intelligence" again.  After the 3 hour onslaught, my Fantasy Suite podcast co-host Dava and I will record a super sized episode, so stay tuned for that and catch up on this season here.