Thursday, January 29, 2015

Bachelor Chris Recap - Ep 4: We Get It, You're A Virgin!

It's that time in the season when the episodes get juicier and more exciting and I lose my ability to crank our recaps quickly.  I'm sorry!  We got hit with a weirdo storm and I have had a ton of gigs--there are just too many good things going on in my vida loca!

So this recap is going to be as succinct as I can muster (which isn't especially succinct because I'm a rambling man when it comes to talking smack).

Chris Harrison gives the remaining ladies the lay of the land: this week there will be 2 group dates and a single one-on-one date for a girl who will be chosen by Chris' 3 blonde sisters.  Yes, it's a family affair and if you want to charm the sisters, you had better love playing Ghosts In the Graveyard!  (Remember Andi's season, Bachelor Nation?)

The first group date is Megan (blonde kinda bland), Kaitlyn (hella tiresome Canadian "comedian"), Ashley S. (*dut dut du do du da doo do dut dut du do du doo do* that's a transcription of the guitar opening to "Crazy Train" obviously), Ashley I. (wanna be Kardashian virgin), Juelia (baby mama with a late husband),  Samantha (brunette who has said ZERO words so far this season--it's like a new record for getting NO time on camera), Mackenzie (I bet was big into the X Files), Kelsey (short haired widow).  The date card says "let's do what feels natural" and the ladies crack a bunch of jokes about how much make-up they all wear 24/7.  It's true--the only girl who occasionally rocks a bare face is Jillian and when she does, I compare her to Mr. Bigglesworth.  Like the old saying goes: Damned if you do, hairless cat look-alike if you don't.  They load up some vintage convertibles (I hope somebody brought along spray in conditioner because convertibles may be fun but they are MISERY on loose hair) and drive to a lake where they spend the day swimming, drinking, and boating.

Hi, I'm Kelsey! Just a bubbly Austin gal
Ashley I. is looking for a way to "break out of her shyness" and she finds it in taking off her American flag bikini top and jumping off the floating dock.  Kaitlyn follows suit (NO PUN INTENDED BUT OMG HOW MUCH DO I RULE WITH THE SWIMSUIT JOKES?) and strips off her bikini bottoms before jumping in the water.  Short haired Kelsey is NOT happy and says that this is a date made for bimbos.  She says that there are better lakes in Michigan and refers to this one as a "hell hole" (hey, at least you know where you stand in a HELL HOLE, right?), she'd like to stab herself in the eye with a fork, and then gets stung by a bee right in the crotch area.  Somebody has had a lil too much birthday.  We're seeing the first seeds of Two Faced Kelsey emerge--she's whiney and negative around he girls but turns on the charm in front of Chris.  Aha--one of you appears every season--it's just a matter of who will play that role.

Oh, but the day isn't over after the final game of Red Rover (the worst game in the world)--the gang is going to be CAMPING OUT!  As they erect their tents, Mackenzie cracks jokes about holes and insertion (cause she's 21 going on 13) and makes more comments about aliens (this is the 2nd time she has brought up aliens, as Bachelorette alum Nick Peterson shrewdly noticed).

That night the crew gathers around the campfire to drink whiskey, dance, and tell scary stories by the flashlight.  Ashley S. has one-on-one time with Chris during which she asks him "what are you?" over and over; Kelsey sulks until she gets some alone time with Chris and then she flips a switch and becomes a giggling, bubbly fun time gal; and Ashley I. says something about how much she likes Chris that involves the phrase "you don't even know, " proving once and for all that she IS Bobby Bottleservice.  In the middle of the night, Ashley "I was born in an Ed Hardy T-shirt" I. goes to Chris' tent and confesses to him that she's inexperienced "in every way possible" (GET IT?) and that "basically, like, so far I feel like I’ve been portrayed as not how I am" (wait 'till the producers cut up your outtakes, girl) and finally, that despite her looks and attitude, she's actually a nerd (OH I BELIEVE YOU, Ashley!).  Chris is half asleep and seems confused, but Ashley exits his tent feeling reassured that they had a good, honest conversation.  

Hi, I'm Ashley I. and I used to be an awkward
nerd, if you can believe it.  
While these ladies are getting the smell of campfire embedded into their expertly-curled hair, back at the house Chris' 3 sisters Jackie, Laurie, and Lisa are interviewing the housebound ladies.  The sisters are tough interviewers and don't pull any punches, inquiring about the girls' dating histories and willingness to move to Iowa.  Jade admits that she's a model (but recently launched a make-up line), Britt says that she sees herself as the front runner, and Carly wins my heart by getting emotional and saying that guys haven't been very nice to her, as far as dating goes. Oh girl. I get you SO MUCH. I'm sorry I ever mocked you, sweet cruise ship performer. If you want to hear ME get emotional about how guys weren't very nice to me, listen to my episode of RISK here.  But I digress!

I would have bet big money that Carly's sweet words would win her the 1:1 date card (as selected by the trio of blonde sisters), but Jade is the victor.  Once the girls are assembled back in the Bachelor Manse the next day, Jade is whisked away (well, not that far away--just to another room) where a faux fairy godmother helps her pick out a dress, jewelry, and shoes.  Ashley I. is extremely jealous as she watches the Cinderella scene unfold, saying that SHE should haven been chosen for the princess date, not the camping date.  Is there anything sadder than watching a grown woman who is obsessed with recreating the toxic gender dynamics of a fairy tale?

Yeah there is--watching a professional orchestra serenade a bachelor and his surprise date while they muddle through some bush league ballroom dancing moves on an elevated platform.  Jade and Chris have a good date, though, and share that they have both been engaged before.  They dance on that platform, watch a clip of Disney's new Cinderella (there was nothing subtle about that product placement), then Jade runs off as the clock strikes midnight (but doesn't lose a shoe OR fall down the stairs--I was hoping for a more exiting exit).

The final group date is Nikki (former NFL cheerleader with giant eyes), Jillian (hairless cat gym rat), Whitney (voice like nails on a chalkboard), Carly (my soul mate in hair color and life experiences), Britt (wears make-up in her sleep), and Becca (slow burn who RULZ) and it involves each girl putting on a white wedding dress, flying to San Francisco, and going through a Tough Mudder-style muddy obstacle course.  The challenge was like a miniature Running of the Brides at Filene's Basement (BOSTON!) but with fewer ladies and more dirt.  Jillian is insanely competitive so she wins the challenge (of course), but loses the war (Chris).

During their dinner date (that Jillian wins as a result of coming in first place on the obstacle course), Jillian won't shut up about sports, lifting, dirty jokes, and her hatred of planning and goal setting (because she's just good at stuff and it comes naturally, you guys).  She comes up for air during a brief moment during which Chris takes the rose in his hand and then sends her home. Talk about a fake out! She starts crying, says "situation" a million times, and regrets not revealing herself sooner, but that's not the issue here, girl!  You DID reveal yourself just now and Chris don't like it. Ciao!

Before we know it, it's cocktail party time and Megan's look is far too uniform in color (all tan/gold) but she soldiers on with a weird fondue "date" during which she makes Chris eat chocolate covered fruit while blindfolded then guess what he is eating.  She doesn't know how many senses we have and I sense that she'll be sent home soon. Heyo!

Ashley I. continues to be 26 going on 14 and she pulls Chris aside to inform him for the second time that she's a virgin but IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL and don't take it too seriously!  Just look up at the skywriting up there, it says "I'M A VIRGIN -ASHLEY I."--can you see it?  She reports back to her bizarre fairy God Pimp, Mackenzie (who is acting oddly mature for a 21-year-old alien conspiracy theorist) then breaks down in tears.  During this drama Becca reveals that she, too, is a virgin but in her case it is ACTUALLY not a big deal.  Oh Becca, you have great hair and a great way about you.  Keep on trucking! Britt snaps at Chris about the camping date and the fact that Kaitlyn took off her bikini bottoms and that said "behavior and action was validated" by her receiving a rose. Well well well, Britt--SOMEBODY has been reading self help books!

Finally it's rose ceremony time.  Kaitlyn and Jade already have roses.  Who will live to see another week chez Bach?

Whitney - will Chris EVER tire of that voice (not to mention personality)?  We can only hope.
Carly - me, if I were to live in the Bachelor Manse
Megan - blonde dummy (though I gotta note: the first 3 ladies picked are BLONDIES! Yahooo!)
Samantha - will she utter a single word this season? STAY TUNED!
McKenzie - alien believer who knows the value of a virgin (#horrible)
Kelsey - short haired TWO FACE
Becca - keep an eye on this girl--she's going places! (Places = fantasy suite)
Ashley I. - next week the baby deer announces that her hymen is in tact ONE MORE TIME!
Britt - last place for the girl who thinks SHE is the favorite! That's what we call eating HUMBLE PIE!

So who is hitting the bricks? Ashley S. (I truly hope that she gets the help that she needs and finds a more stable cocktail of meds), Nikki (time to get a job, huh, Former NFL Dancer?), and Juelia (time to go back to baby).  Next week the crew heads to Santa Fe, New Mexico where Kelsey goes from being two faced to being straight-up hysterical.  I can't wait!

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Bachelor Chris Recap - Ep 3: Coachella Style & Jimmy Kimmel

On Monday night Jimmy Kimmel weaseled his way into a full episode of The Bachelor and he managed to make Bachelor Nation AND the participants in this show laugh while mocking the reality TV institution that we all love.

Kimmel referred to the women as "sister wives" (zing), made a joke about sleeping with each of them (spicy for ABC around 8:00pm), and instituted an Amazing Jar where everyone had to deposit a dollar for each time they uttered the chronically overused word "amazing."  I'm a sucker for a silly jar, though I'm partial to a Swearing Jar.

The first date of the episode goes to Kaitlyn (the Canadian "comedian") and having a real comedian on set seemed to make Kaitlyn stop telling bad jokes.  She broke out a Pearl Jam chic look for their date--a shopping trip to Costco.  Jimmy Kimmel sent them on the date, saying the he wanted them to have a normal activity as a date. I can't WAIT for the date during which they read a People Magazine from 6 months ago in a dentist's waiting room then get an oil change!  Prince Farming and Kaitlyn had as much fun as you can have in a Costco and Chris kept marveling at how well she rolled with the punches.  Well, what else is she going to do?  Have a princess meltdown while the cameras roll?  OF COURSE she rolled with the punches!

That evening they prepare dinner for themselves and Jimmy Kimmel and then sit down for a dinner that gave me flashbacks to Elimidate.  Kimmel breaks out the hard-hitting questions ("have you dated a farmer before?" "have you dated a Canadian before?") in between his homoerotic jokes aimed at Chris.  Kimmel also pulls no punches about what goes on in the Fantasy Suite and Kaitlyn says that you need to test drive a car before you buy it. For that she earns a rose!

Up next is a group date and the crew is Britt (Ariana Grande), Jillian (super competitive false eyelash addict who may or may not have a hairy bum), Becca (great hair, slow burn), Tracey (hasn't said much since she ragged on "crazy cat ladies"), Mackenzie (whose son is named the 2013 version of Brussel Sprouts), Kelsey (short haired widow), Juelia (long haired widow), Amber (pretty, slow burn), Ashley S. (in the midst of a breakdown but still holding out for a hero 'till the morning light), Samantha (dark hair, personality?), Nikki (was once a professional cheerleader, is now an... unemployed dancer?), and Carly (cruise ship singer blonde).

The group date that Jimmy Kimmel has supposedly planned is a Hoedown Throwdown.  The girls will compete in 5 challenges: corn shucking, egg finding and cooking, goat milking and drinking, manure shoveling, and pig wrangling.  The corn shucking should be the easiest part, but Tracey immediately shouts, "this is hard" as Jillian bursts ahead because she's SUPER COMPETITIVE.  (Sidenote: if you are a self-described SUPER COMPETITIVE person, I hate you.  I have never understood people who are competitive.  Who cares?  About any of it?)  Jillian and her daisy dukes aren't in the lead for long, as Carly the cruise ship entertainer comes from behind the win the whole thing! I didn't think that ANYONE would be able to wrangle a pig, but who knows what they do on cruise ships that prepared Carly for that task.  Her "prize" is that she gets to pose for an American Gothic-style photo with Chris (and based on Carly's blank facial expressions upon seeing the backdrop and props, girl is NOT familiar with that painting).  In old timey glasses and overalls, Chris goes from Prince Farming to Williamsburg Hipster and I am not a fan.  Bring back the beefcake, please!

That night at the after party Carly is feeling confident and she leans in to kiss Chris after saying, "you're a man... and I'm a woman..." and I wish she had launched in on a list ("and those people over there are also women, and Jamie Lee Curtis was allegedly born a hermaphrodite but became a woman, and that greenery over there is a plant...").  Mackenzie is 21 going on 14 as she confronts Chris about how many girls he has been kissing. She promptly regrets confront him about it, says she feels stupid, and hopes that he isn't mad at her (mad for expressing how you feel?).  Girl, it's time to have your own back.  Your feelings are valid because yes, it's hard to watch your crush mack it to other women but ALSO you are on a TV show whose entire premise is that.  Maybe time for a lil journaling?  Good Lord I'm here to make fun of you--WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO ME, READERS? Becca gets some alone time with Chris and makes a fantastic impression (atta girl!) which results in a rose for the girl with the great blondish/brownish hair.  Sorry, Carly and Kelsey--you ladies chugged warm, unpasteurized goat milk for NOTHING!

Whitney (blonde with a voice like a nasal nightmare and a dopey sense of humor) scores a one-on-one date and they head to a winery.  She's rocking a cool statement necklace beneath a sleeveless jean jacket and it looks cute, but a sleeveless jean jacket will always remind me of The Outsiders.

My name is Whitney and I make
babies for a living. HONK! 

As they sip wine, Whitney asks Chris what he wants and he responds that he wants an easygoing, genuine girl who can go with the flow (he phrases it "roll the cow" or "roll the cab" or something equally strange).  Whitney starts a conversational song and dance through which she attempts to prove that she's easygoing and down-to-Earth but the effect is exactly the opposite.  Over their shoulders an outdoor wedding is just starting and as soon as they spot it, Whitney unleashes a hat trick of stunningly dumb and selfish things:
-she immediately suggests that they crash the wedding
-she tries to bolster her case by saying "YOLO" as in "you only live once" in the way that utter morons share that conceit
-she says "there's just something about weddings that's very romantic." SOMETHING.  Whatever could it be?  That's like saying that there's just SOMETHING about a steak house that is very meaty!

So the two a-holes (I'm sorry, but wedding crashing is just SO tacky and crummy) get dressed up, get a gift (isn't the entire point of wedding crashing that you are essentially stealing free drinks from strangers without contributing anything?), and head into the party.  They feel foolishly protected by their story: they finished shooting the show, got married, and now they are an engaged couple.  Good story, but umm... you guys STILL aren't invited to this wedding.  Chris is thoroughly impressed by Whitney's ability to sell lie after lie into the faces of well-meaning strangers (great quality in a life partner!) and he gives her a rose saying, "this won't be the last wedding Whitney and I crash if we get married."  Huh?  For a woman who doesn't want a traditional wedding EVER, I have very strong feelings about wedding crashing and I think it's the most chickenshit, faux "I'm zany" bullshit you can ever pull. Le fin.

The next day it's pool party time and everyone except Ashley I. and Mackenzie is fired up ("this is the most best day ever!" -Megan).  The ladies are deep into Coachella style with the number of sparkly headband things being outdone only by the number of sets of fake eyelashes.  Aint nobody dunking their heads at THIS pool party! The sun is shining, the women circling Chris are being compared to sharks by Kaitlyn, and the drinks are flowing--what better time to pull Chris aside and tell him about the suicide of your ex-husband than today, thinks Juelia!  No day but TODAAAAAY (#rent)!  Admittedly, I'm not sure WHEN there is a good time to talk about heavy stuff with a hottie who you hardly know while cameras roll, but poolside just felt a bit odd.  Britt and Chris make out hard, then Chris walks Jade down to his house to give her a tour of his house (and bed--HONK!).  While Chris and Jade canoodle in the house, Jillian lays in wait in the hot tub and as I said on Twitter, the girl who waits for you in the hot tub is the girl who will wear your skin as a shirt someday.  Chris joins Jillian in the hot tub and their conversation mostly consists of Jillian saying "like" every third word.  Mackenzie, Ashley I., and Megan join them but then opt to give the couple some alone time, naively thinking that they will each take turns having one-on-one time with Chris.  Super competitive Jillian isn't about to play nice (of course she't not) and Ashley I. becomes upset when she realizes that Jillian won't be sharing the spotlight.  Ashley I. heads back to her mansion to wallow in her sadness and perhaps confide in Ashley S. (Ashleys helping Ashleys (TM)) but she is soon disrupted by Chris who has come to find her and shove his tongue down her throat as they practically fall off the upstairs patio.  Love conquers all!

The rose ceremony is up next and after her game of tonsil hockey with Chris, Ashley I. says that she would "very much appreciate being picked early in the rose ceremony" and I assume she must be a fan of Bobby Bottleservice because she talks just like him!  Wow, for a girl who works as a "freelance journalist" (though I'm sure she means "unemployed English major with a tumblr") she has terrible speaking and writing skills!  Before you know it, the girls are lined up in cocktail dresses and Jimmy Kimmel is giving Chris a pep talk about how silly all of this is.  Kaitlyn, Becca, and Whitney already have roses so they are safe.  Who scores a rose and lives to see another week in the Bach Manse?

Jade - did you notice her tan bra when she visited Chris's house? What was that about?
Samantha - I hope she grows a personality/voice box one of these weeks!
Juelia - seems like a cool girl and now her whole story is out, which must be a relief for her.
Mackenzie - that girl is so friggin' 21: "the only thing that matters is that Chris isn't upset with me somehow!"
Kelsey - was her dress made of scraps of old, grey sweatpants?
Britt - that day glo pink dress isn't doing ANYBODY any favors, even Brit.
Megan - holy cleavage and fuscia lips, Megan! She looks like a blonde Jessica Rabbit!
Carly - is that a dress or wallpaper that you have fashioned into a top?
Ashley S. - is she back on her meds? She seems functional this episode--what is going on here?
Nikki - how about you bring something to the table sometime soon, K?
Jillian - that fantastic blue, lace dress makes up for the fact that you're a nightmare.
Ashley I. - she WOULD HAVE very much appreciated an early rose, but she didn't get one.  She's still in the game, though.

The man, the myth, the legend: BOBBY BOTTLESERVICE
Ashley I. aka Wanna Be Bobby Bottlservice who VERY MUCH APPRECIATES things.

Who just became a footnote in the Wikipedia entry about Bachelor Season 19?
Amber - perhaps suggesting that Chris slow dance with you and that you both "pretend it's our wedding" is a bit much?
Tracey - awww snap the girl who wouldn't shut up about how sad an adult, single woman is has now become an adult, single woman who got negged on network TV! The calls are coming from inside the house!
Trina - you've got beautiful blonde hair--you'll be fine, girl.

Next week we learn something that Mackenzie cares about a LOT, for whatever reason: there are TWO virgins inside the Bachelor manse!!  Get ready for a season finale of bloody sheets hung out the windows! (Too much?)

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Bachelor Chris Recap - Ep 2: Two Widows, a Virgin, and a Pizza Place

Just when you think that The Bachelor can't get more self-referential and cartoonishly absurd, you get an episode like we experienced on Monday night.  Remember when those Scream movies came out (starting in 1996) and after a few years, the Wayans Brothers did comedy spoofs of those films (called Scary Movie) in which they took every standard slasher flick trope and turned it up to 11, to hilarious effect? THAT IS WHAT'S HAPPENING IN BACH LAND RIGHT NOW.  Everything is so hilariously overdone it's like a parody wrapped in an exaggeration dipped in free alcohol.

The episode picked up with Kimberly (a brunette yoga instructor from Strong Island) pleading for a spot in the house after having been told that Chris didn't want her in the house (communicated by her not receiving a rose).  This gal won't take no for an answer and she aint too proud to beg, so Chris relents and lets her stay.  Congratulations on scoring a Pity Bid, Kimberly.  Perhaps this week, someone in the house can clue you in on what the words dignity and grace mean.

The next morning (afternoon? Didn't that last ceremony end at sunrise?), Chris Harrison visits the concubines--err--ladies, and informs them that Prince Farming's residence is just down that hill and "there are no rules here."  If that's not a suggestion that these ladies give Mr. Soules the 'ole "Turkish Surprise" (I'm spouting off meaningless words now--it's been a long evening), I don't know what is.

It's time for Group Date #1 and the crew who has been asked to "show me you're country" (oh THEY WILL) is comprised of Jade (dark haired girl who Chris really liked the first night), Tandra (blonde whole rolled up on a motorcycle), Ashley I (Poor Man's Kim Kardashian who was seemingly born with fake eyelashes), Mackenzie (21 year-old mother to trendy produce son), Pity Bid Kimberly, and Tara the whiskey drinking fisherwoman who is 100% country.  The ladies meet Chris at a downtown LA rooftop pool where they strip down to swimsuits (thank God because Mackenzie's overall shorts were giving me flashbacks to 1996), play Chicken in the water (a game I will never understand the appeal of--how about we work on our tans and not be annoying instead?), and flirt.

Meanwhile back at the house, hyper competitive Jillian (who may or may not have been wearing ass-less bikini bottoms, based on that censor block on her rump) and Megan (who needs to learn that macrame beach cover-ups aren't doing anyone any favors ESPECIALLY when they match your flesh tone) break into Chris's house and rifle through his possessions like two bikini-clad Goldilocks.

Back on the group date, the gang is walking down a busy street in downtown LA and the girls are in bikinis and boots but Chris gets to be in swim shorts and a hoodie.  That's cool!  Chris informs them that their challenge for the day is a tractor race and yes, they will be mounting these tractors in their bikinis.  You know how farm equipment works, folks--you must be nearly nude in order to operate a tractor.  Trust Chris--he's a real farmer!  The "race" begins, unfolds at a pace of 3 MPH (if that), and Ashley I is the victor.  Her prize is some alone time with Chris during which she rocks a fierce, white bikini (you know how I love me a white bikini) and big hoops. It's a bit "J. Lo during her Diddy phase," but Ashley I pulls off the look.

Ashley I's confidence is shot when Chris informs the group that he'll be turning the evening portion of the date into a one-on-one with Mackenzie.  Chris and Mackenzie clean up for a night out during which Mackenzie says, "I'm like, super observant" (but you sound like, sort of a dumbass?), asks Chris if he believes in aliens (then demurs when he reciprocates the question. Come on! ONLY people who believe in aliens ask if other people believe in aliens--it's like Alien Fight Club in that non-weirdos just never bring up aliens), and reveals that she has a 1 year-old son named after the trendiest produce on the market right now: Kale.  Chris says that he loves kids and he gives her a rose.  I give her 3 weeks.

Back at the house, we learn that Jeulia (aggressive highlights that are too ashy) is also a widow (there are TWO widows in the house now, which seems like a whole LOT of widows for a group of women who are mostly under age 30) and she, too, has a child (Ireland).

Megan is the lucky recipient of a date card for a 1:1, though she thinks it's simply a love note from Chris because she doesn't understand how story lines move forward on reality TV.  Nonetheless, she gets cleaned up and heads off with Chris to a limo then a private jet then a helicopter and they take in the sights over Las Vegas.  They land at the edge of the Grand Canyon (and the helicopter pilot makes the most hilarious beeline out of the shot so that he can awkwardly sit alone in the Grand Canyon while they canoodle) then have a picnic by the water, where Megan talks about her late father.  She inverts the tired cliche of being "here for the right reasons" by saying that she "wouldn't be here for the wrong reasons" (such a trickster!) and they make out.  She scores a rose.

Another date card arrives at the Bachelor Manse and the gang is Kelsey (short hair), Trina (blonde and the only white woman in the world named Trina), Alissa (flight attendant/standup comedian), Tracey (sent to Earth to make adult, unmarried women feel ashamed of their life choices), Jillian (super competitive body builder whose pre-make up look can best be described as "Mr. Biggelsworth"), Becca (who I really dig and want to see more of), Amber (who I also dig and want to see more of), Ashley S (straight-up psychopath), Jeulia (widow #2), Kaitlyn (Canadian nightmare), and Britt (Hair and Teeth). Phew!
"I'll put on some eyeliner and mascara in a minute, guys" -Jillian
Their 2 limos arrive at an empty, darkened parking lot and are promptly attacked by horrifying zombies.  That fright inspires the ladies to throw back some shots of liquor (good girls).  The activity that night is a game of paintball against the zombies, though Ashley S loves that friendly fire and the ladies are feeling lucky that these guns don't contain live ammo.  The montage is like Black Hawk Down meets The Walking Dead and after all of the zombies are "dead," Ashley literally shoots them when they are down, earning her my most creative nickname to date, Rich Man's Lynndie England.  (Never forget the atrocities  committed by a handful of monsters at Abu Ghraib--seriously--it was a horrifying moment in our nation's history--but back to BACH!)

At the paintball after party, Kaitlyn tells Chris that she's "the fun one" (usually the one who is actually the fun one doesn't have to SAY it), Chris gives Britt a gift card for a free kiss (I feel like a Starbucks card would better retain its value), and Ashley S unravels to the point that I thought she was perhaps having a psychotic break and I'm not kidding.  She was incoherent, unable to organize her thoughts, and distracted, but that's just my Tuesday morning quarterbacking based on my recreational perusal of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th Edition (if you like US Weekly, you'll love DSM IV).  Chris gives a rose to Kaitlyn and I still don't get it.

Before you know it, it's time for the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party and Whitney (nasal voice) is chomping at the bit.  She has set up a mini-date by the fire with some of Chris's favorite whiskey (very sweet) and her red dress is a stunner--well played.  We learn that Ashley I (who is dolled up like Princess Jasmine from Aladdin On Ice) has never had a boyfriend and is a virgin and we ALSO learn that Mackenzie would make a hard bargaining pimp, as she says that "guys like taking your virginity--I'm jealous" and instructs Ashley on how she can use her virginity as currency.  The whole exchange is pretty horrifying and retrograde, but I've always found the verb "taking" to be problematic in relation to virginity talk.  Two people are participating here, no?  Who's taking what from who?  Blech.

Ashley I has some alone time with Chris and she tells him that he can rub her belly button ring and he'll get 3 wishes.  Huh?  Is this some 1990's live action remake of Aladdin that takes place at the mall and ends in a couple necking inside a PAC SUN (mama aint got time to say"ific" and "wear")? Chris gamely plays along (though he seems confused by the entire ruse) and they make out HARD (hard to the point where I wonder if she has ever kissed a guy before with how overdone and ridiculous it was).  Meanwhile, the human pile of hair (Britt) is crying without ruining her make-up (#impossible).  Later on the front steps, Amber is rocking a classic, retro cocktail dress that I love and she asks Chris for a kiss. Prince Farming is a kissing fool!  Well, he's a kissing fool for everyone except the very drunk Jordan.  Ya can't win 'em all, Colorado.

Finally, it's time to line 'em up, knock 'em down (in Jillian's case), and make 'em cry. Who is safe for another week?

Britt - rose #1 for the human Bratz doll
Ashley I - she is the Kim K to Chris's Kanye West (minus the sex tape)
Trina – who can resist a blonde in a dramatic dress? NO ONE! 
Kelsey – keeping the hair length diverse in the STD Shack 
Samantha – rocking dark hair and white dress for the 2nd week in a row

Then Chris says "Jeulia" (widow number dos), but Jillian (the super competitive body builder brunette) thinks she hears her name, so she walks out and promptly trips on the carpet, then attempts to recover by laughing at herself WAY too hard ("it's FINE! I'm HILARIOUS! CAREFREE! THE FUN ONE!") and Chris repeat's Jeulia's name. Overall, the Dumb Chills meter was going to 11! 

Amber – her short, geometric cocktail dress is very Sexy Tory Burch, don't you think? 
Tracey – the self-hating singleton with dark hair will live to see another week chez Bach 
Jillian – this time she walks out VERY carefully (as country girl Tara shakes her head)
Jade – her teal dress is very cute
(Aside: Jordan is visibly drunk her hair needs to be smoothed down BADLY)
Nikki – we didn't see the former NFL Cheerleader much this week, but I gotta admit that her spearmint green dress is lovely
Becca – great hair, super cute, flying under the radar
Carly – the blonde cruise boat performer sails on! 
Whitney – her stunning red dress almost makes up for her nasal voice 
Ashley S – the blonde gal's crazy train rolls on and I guarantee that the producers are making Chris keep her around for drama. 

So who is packing up their suitcase of fake eyelashes, bikinis, and broken dreams?
-Alissa, who keeps it together and exits gracefully 
-Pity Bid Kimberly, who has now been rejected TWICE in a row--ouch
-Jordan, who gives Chris a bear hug and wanders off in search of more booze
-Tara, the girl whose "job" is "sport fishing enthusiast" will have to go back to the 'ole sport fishing office but before she does, she'll ramble on national TV about how she's used to rejection by now and she never seems to be anybody's number 1. Oh girl, set a boundary and refuse to blubber on camera--you'll be glad that you did.

Next week we're back with more kissing, more tears, and more Jimmy Kimmel (huh?)--stay tuned!

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Bachelor Chris Recap - Ep 1: A Test of Endurance

Last night was the season premier of The Bachelor with “Prince Farming” (#barf) Chris Soules as our fearless boy toy bachelor.  As expected, there was a whole lot of B roll of Chris walking among the crops, driving a giant tractor, and chilling out in a grain silo (like you do).  There was also a red carpet with legions of “fans” shrieking for their favorite Bachelor alums (cough—rejects who need to get real jobs—cough) because this franchise becomes more like an elaborate joke with each season. On the red carpet, Chris Harrison (our intrepid and beloved host) interviewed married alums Sean and Catherine (snappily asking Sean “do you know where babies come from?” after Sean said that a kid might “pop out in 2016”); engaged alums Lacey and Marcus (nodding as Marcus recited the opening credits to “The Dukes of Hazzard” and said that Bachelor Chris is “just a good ‘ole boy”); and Juan Pablo’s ex, Nikki (who spoke in circles about why he treated her like shit and she put up with it). 

Time for more montages!  We see Chris cruising in a motorcycle (you can get MY motor running, hot redneck), fishing with his dad, and chilling at the local VFW hall. But it’s not all fun and games for Prince Farming—Chris has been getting in shape under the careful tutelage of Macklemore on Roids (Cody aka Michelle Money’s ex-bf from Bachelor In Paradise and yes, I know that the brain cells that I could be using to re-learn French or understand the global economy are being wasted on Bach minutiae BUT I CAN’T STOP) and that workout regimen is like a farm version of the Rocky IV training montage. 

For a show as heteronormative as The Bachelor, this recreation of American Gothic is pretty progressive. 
The producers give us previews of a handful of gals: Britt the waitress who has an Ariana Grande thing going on, in that I suspect she’s just a pile of hair with an upbeat attitude; Jillian the super competitive newscaster whose muscular legs would put Hans & Franz to shame; Amanda the ballet instructor who admits she’s crazy and hates cooking and cleaning (girl, did no one tell you that Bach is here to promote traditional gender roles? Seriously, did no one tell you?); Whitney whose voice could NOT be more grating; Mackenzie who is 21, has a son (girl is efficient with her time), and says that Chris is “grown up” (yeah he is—you’re thrilled to be drinking legally—Chris is definitely an adult to you); Alissa who could probably kill with 15 minutes worth of flight attendant jokes; and Kelsey who is a 28 year-old widow—a widow who looks great in a bikini!

The theme of the first cocktail party night was endurance because that event stretched on ALL NIGHT LONG (all night) with the first batch of 15 girls having Chris to themselves for 3 hours before the next batch of 15 ladies arrived.  The first batch of arrivals were pretty standard—Reegan arrived with a cooler full of human hearts (if that cooler were chock full of fresh Bud Lights, right All American Bachelor Chris?); blonde Ashley who walked in with a weird poker faced intensity and put a penny in his shoe; blonde Amanda opted to have Chris not see her and be a “secret admirer” (a secret admirer whose wardrobe was provided by Dancing With the Stars); Tara (whose “job” is the hobby of fishing, so I can only assume she’s a trust fund kid and/or unemployed) rolled up in boots, jean shorts, and a button down saying “this is me” then promptly changed into a cocktail dress and finageled another limo arrival (you really SHOWED THEM for about 5 minutes there, country girl!); and finally brunette Kaitlyn who hit a stunned Chris with the line, “you can plow the F out of my field any day” (wait, he’s the plow, you are the field? What season is it? Is crop rotation involved? What are your thoughts on cycling in soybeans?).

Chris goes into the house and the 15 women are shocked that the cocktail party is starting with so few girls, as it is not what normally happens (“I’ve watched the show half my life” –Ashley). Britt goes in for the kill with a conversation about the role of a wife and how to raise a family; Whitney says, “there’s something I need to get off my chest…I make babies every day” (which I’m sure KILLS when she volunteers at the nursing home); Nikki name drops the fact that she just got back from Machu Pichu and gives Chris a heart shaped rock she found there (so close to a Nirvana song). Amanda and her intense eyes finally get face time with Chris (since she hasn’t so much as shown her face to him—great strategy, dummy) during which they talk about the suburbs of Chicago (THRILLING). 

Back in the studio, Chris Harrison gets some thoughts from Clare (of Juan Pablo’s season) and I haven’t seen that much contouring make-up since CATS closed on Broadway.

Clare, is that you? 
This is "how the sausage gets made" in the contouring world

Just when those 15 gals thought think that this season of The Bachelor was going to be different and not the repetitive, formulaic reality TV show that we know and love, ANOTHER LIMO ROLLS UP! How dare it! Then another and yes, another. All totaled, 15 more ladies arrive (just as they have every other friggin’ season, kids).  These entrances are a bit flashier: Tandra rides up on a motorcycle and her hair is blonde perfection even fresh out of a helmet (#respect), Alissa keeps the flight attendant jokes coming (now with props!), Jordan brings him a small bottle of whiskey (good girl), Brittany the WWE diva-in-training (cough—escort) who hails from Orlando, FL (of course she’s from there) rolls up in what resembles paper lingerie and a poster, and Carly enters singing into a children’s karaoke machine (like a grown up JonBenet--too soon?).  The 15 originals (who are by now tired and suffering from flat hair and faded make-up) are mutinying like it’s some Billy Budd shit up in here! 

So now we’re at 30 women and Chris (“I wish I were a polygamist right now”) and everybody is drinking and chatting.  Ashley drinks a little too much (or just reveals that she’s unstable) and weirds everyone out with her talk of onions, sunflower fields, and horses. Tracy the brunette teacher is obsessed with not ending up as a “crazy cat lady” (The Bachelor used to be a touch more subtle about their fear mongering, but this season the gloves come off!), and Kaitlyn brings Chris into the driveway to teach him how to step-dig (sweet dance moves, weirdo).  Britt (aka Big Teeth, Bigger Hair) scores the first impression rose and those two lovebids are already making progress.

Finally it’s time for the line-up and everyone is eager to see if Tara can remain standing after she spent so much quality time with her BFFs Jameson, Johnnie Walker, and Jack Daniels.  Which lucky ladies get roses?

-Kaitlyn: I can already sense that she’ll be this season’s nightmare (or at least the bad/awkward faux comedian)
-Jade: whose dress kinda looked like this classic Britney look worn with a red skirt (but she and Chris seemed to have a strong connection)


-Samantha: the dark-haired fashioned designer
-Ashley I: dark haired girl in the goth-style dress who seems like she'll be high-maintenence 
-Tandra: motorcycle blondie looks like she’ll be a slow burn and I like it
-Nikki: the “former NFL cheerleader” who reminds me that I’d like you all to call me the “former Brueggers Bagel Bakery employee”
-Kelsey: the Texan widow who is single handedly diversifying the hair length in the house
-Megan: black dress, blonde hair and I think we’ll see a lot of her this season
-Alissa: flight attendant who will start quoting "Airplane!" if she knows what I like 
-Amber: one of the few women of color (this is The Bachelor, after all—it’s never diverse) who is rocking a gorgeous black gown
-Jeulia: blonde make-up artist
-Becca: San Diego native who looked like a knockout in a sparkly, black cocktail dress and fierce boots
-Trina: special ed teacher who can rock a mean 1 side, blonde hairdo

Just then Chris walks out of the rose ceremony and everybody knows it’s because Tara can hardly remain upright. Country girl got a little bit drunk, she’s wearing a friggin’ scrunchi (did anyone else notice that?), and she appears to have an ex’s name tattooed on her back.  She’s like a blonde Snooki circa season 1 of The Jersey Shore with how badly she is coming off in episode 1, but how wonderfully she shall blossom in spite of her initial missteps (at least I hope so).  Prince Farming isn’t sure how wise it is to hand a rose to a shitfaced girl and his buddy Chris Harrison is there to guide him.  Before you know it, we’re back in the trenches.

-Mackenzie: 21 year old needs a make-up touch-up BADLY. Also, her son’s name is Kale which is just a little too Brooklyn for me and I live in the friggin’ borough. 
-Tracey: the teacher who wouldn’t SHUT UP about how terrifying she thinks it is to be an adult woman who is single. Ugh. Every time that girl opened her mouth, Gloria Steimen’s legacy was set back a decade.
-Tara: the drunk redneck stays in the game and the crowd goes wild! (Not really—the other women seem to resent that “the drunk ones” (Jordan and Tara) got picked, but I got news for you, uptight nerds: the drunk ones are usually the fun ones! Alpha Theta Chi forever!)  
-Jordan: another tipsy lady gets a rose! Wheeeee!
-Jillian: the super competitive body builder is pissed that she had to wait so long for a rose. That’s a really appealing attitude!
-Whitney: her nasal voice and dad jokes live to see another week, unfortunately
-Carly: move your Barbie karaoke machine into the Bachelor Mansion, you’re staying!
-Ashley: nightmare in a silver dress is being kept around to stir up trouble

So who is taking the long, sunrise walk out of the Bach Manse and back into the darkest recesses of our American memory banks?

-Pig Nose: I’m sure she has a name, but I just can’t get past a girl who rolled up in a friggin’ pig nose. Right now I’m reading that book The Opposite of Loneliness and I call Pig Nose’s gimmick The Opposite of Sexiness.
-Bo, the blonde plus-sized model in a knockout red dress (“See! We had some diversity in body types for a whole 120 seconds on screen!” –Bachelor producers)
-Crazy Amanda: Bad news for the girl who hates cooking and cleaning—you gotta go back to your mom’s house and deal with cooking/cleaning again. I just can’t believe that she and Chris didn’t bond over the fact that they both know that Kanakakee is about an hour south of Chicago!
-Brittany the WWE diva-in-training: at least now she can get back to her intense training regimen of holding posters and standing around in lingerie. 
-Reegan the cadaver saleslady: maybe try dating a zombie?
-Kara: I swear, ya tell one guy that “we’d make great babies” and you refer to yourself as “a little servant” and some guys get SO FRIGGIN’ WEIRD about it!
-Kimberly: white dress, dark hair, very little impression made. She exits the house and cries, then walks back in and interrupts Chris’ happy times with his chosen ladies. GREAT IDEA, girl! Just as the old saying goes, “if a person rejects you, it’s because he/she secretly likes you and needs to be beaten into submission.” DO YOU, KIMBO! 

After the champagne toast, we see a montage of what’s to come this season: Cinderella themes, a camping trip during which somebody sneaks into Chris’ tent and pulls the ‘ole “we went swimming in the ocean” Juan Pablo + Clare-style except on land, and tears.  Tears like we have never seen before.  These aint the tears from last season of The Bach—no, we’re talking flat-on-your-back-hyperventilation-tears like Bachelor Nation has never SEEN before!  Here we go!

I think that Britt and Jade are front runners—who are your picks?

Friday, January 2, 2015

New Year, New Bach!

Hey lovers! 

A new season of The Bachelor is almost upon us and Bachelor Nation is fired up!  The task of dating 30 conventionally beautiful, thin, bikini-clad women at the same time falls on the well-built shoulders of Chris Soules, the Iowan farmer from Andi's season of The Bachelorette.  I'm sure you recall that Chris made it to the Top 3 of Andi's season before she sent him home in a scene that was shockingly sweet.  Chris handled the rejection thoughtfully and calmly, which was really impressive but also makes me wonder if Chris has a bit of a Juan Pablo style to him. That calmness in the face of upsetting circumstances can come off as somewhat careless or unfeeling in matters of the heart. We shall see!  

ABC released head shots and information about Chris's dating prospects and, as usual, the producers have done a hell of a job assembling beautiful psychopaths.  A few of stand out from the crowd already and I have copy/pasted their information below.  These are their answers to the producer's questions and my thoughts below those.  Get ready for a whole lotta snark, pussycats! 

Ashley I., 26
Age: 26
Occupation: Freelance Journalist
Hometown: Wayne, NJ
If you won the lottery, what would you do with your winnings?Buy a room on a cruise ship that I could use any time.

Ohh your very own cruise ship on which you can get mysterious illnesses and deal with nautical piracy anytime you damn well please!  

Becca, 25
Occupation: Chiropractic Assistant
Hometown: San Diego, CA
Biggest date fear: Having stomach issues and clogging up a toilet, a la Dumb and Dumber. 

A girl who talks about deucin straight away? I think I love you... but what am I so afraid of? 

Brittany, 26
Occupation: WWE Diva-in-Training
Biggest date fear: Gas or violent diarrhea. 

Oh you're a "WWE Diva-in-Training," Brittany? Save yourself the hyphens because I believe the term is "escort."  If there's one thing that many of Chris's potential wives share it's a crippling fear of diarrhea.  

Jade, 28
If you could be any animal, what would you be?
An elephant. They are associated with wisdom and altruism. They are large in scale yet graceful. I love the matriarchy as well.

OK I like this one.  She could be subtly feminist, which means that she'll be cut on night 1.  

Jordan, 24
If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be?
Britney Spears because she's awesome!
If you really wanted to impress a man, what would you do?
Give him a sexy dance because it would turn him on and hopefully lead to more.

Dated and dumb—what a combo! 

Jeulia, 30
Can't live without: My tinted mineral sunscreen. 

That's pretty damn specific, huh? Well, I might say that I can't live without my mineral bronzer... so I shouldn't throw stones. Good luck, blonde prophet. 

Kaitlyn, 29
If you wanted to approach a man you'd never met before, how would you go about it?
I'd walk right up to him and just say, "Good, and you?"

You’re a nightmare. 

Nikki, 26
Former NFL Cheerleader 
What's your greatest achievement to date?
I have a few. First was working at Sally Hershberger, next was making the NY Jets Flight Crew, then it was signing with Wilhelmina Models.

That's funny, I thought the question asked for ONE. Also, what is your CURRENT job? This "former" stuff is total malarkey.  Or did she see how successful Josh was last season with his "former professional baseball player" act and she's trying to follow suit?  Better get some armpit tats if you want to be like last season's resident Kenny Powers! 

As usual, I'll be writing recaps on this here blog.  I can't wait to see what goes on with Chris and I'm hoping that we'll see a cameo from Prince Farming's best buddy Dylan!  (Yes, ABC is calling Chris "Prince Farming."  Just when you thought that the "on the wings of love" season was the corniest thing you had ever seen, it gets worse.)