The Jedburgh Podcast

Hello friends! 

It's been a minute!  I'm hanging in there in NYC.  I retired from standup, got a promotion at my job, moved in with my boyfriend (just a few blocks from my old place), and am enjoying Post Vax Summer!  

Recently, I had the privilege of chatting with a pal from my hometown (Weston), Fran Racioppi, host of The Jedburgh Podcast. We talked about comedy, feminism, standup vs. improv, punching up/punching down, hustling in NYC, and being open to messages from the universe. It was such a fun conversation and Fran is more than just a former Special Forces Green Beret, the founder of FRSix, and a brilliant public speaker--he's also a wonderful conversationalist and a man who does his homework!

Click on the image here to be linked directly to our episode or look up The Jedburgh Podcast on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you get your pods. It was a really fun conversation.  Tune in! 

October 2018 - Bachelor updates, podcast, show, etc.

Hey lovers!

In the immortal words of Jim Anchower, it's been a while since I rapped at ya.  You last heard from me at the close of The Bachelorette, when Becca inexplicably selected anti-trans shitbag Garrett over America's sweetheart Blake.  It was a tragic end to a very dramatic season of The Bachelorette—more on that beloved franchise in a minute.

I had a lovely summer that included lots of beach time (my fave), plus had a summer romance that ended in early September.  It was too bad that it ended, but I was relieved once we called it off.  When a guy comes on super strong with declarations of love and excitement and fancy dinners and suggests travel plans, then balks when you respond in kind, it's a real mind fuck and it's hard to recover, act natural, and keep on smiling when your confidence has been killed.  And I don't think that he meant to undermine my confidence—I think he just sorta spooked himself and got in over his head. So it was a relief when we broke up because I wasn't at my best—in fact, I feel like I was at my worst.  During our last few weeks together, I second-guessed every word out of my own mouth, every joke, and every comment, which just feels crappy and it wasn't fun for HIM, either.  So that's all done, I wish him well, and now I shall go back to dating only men who work with their hands (ideally, in the profession of punching others in the face).

But enough of my personal shiz—let's talk about COLTON!!

The genius monsters at ABC announced Colton as the next Bachelor right after the close of Bachelor In Paradise.  I don't commit to B in P the way that I commit to The Bachelor/The Bachelorette because sometimes mama needs a break, people!  I tuned in occasionally—just long enough to watch Jordan and that nerd guy BE OBSESSED with each other, and Krystal and Chris (aka LITERALLY THE TWO WORST PEOPLE OF ALL TIME) fall in love, and lots of ladies wear tassel earrings (so hot right now), so I feel like I "get it."

Now let's talk Colton as America's VIRGIN BACHELOR.

We know him from Becca's season of The Bachelorette and pre-Becca, Colton not only hooked up with Becca's friend Tia (who I will always have a soft spot for because she's from Arkansas, where I have lots of family who I love), but he also dated Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman (who is a native of Needham, MA where I lived until I was 3).  And no, dear reader, there were NO visits to Hump City in either case.

Now, don't get me wrong—Colton is HOT AF, seems really fun and easygoing, is very smiley, gets along with others, and used to play professional football (YEZ YEZ YEZZZ PLEASE) so I am buying what he's selling, so to speak. I'm picking up what he's putting down, if ya catch my drift. Kid can get it, naaaaah mean???? 

But here is what's wrong with producers selecting him as the next Bachelor: he is being exploited for his virgin status.

WHAT!?

I thought that only WOMEN (girls) could be exploited for their virginity and sold as "child brides"  (a nice euphemisms for sex slave) to older men???

I realize that this fluffy blog post just got REEEEAL DARK but stay with me.

Colton is a virgin, a personal fact that he was hesitant to share with Becca until late in the season and a fact that he has previously kept hidden and, in some cases, lied about. Poor guy was a pro football player living The 40 Year-Old Virgin ("a bag of sand!").  That has got to be hard and he has been doing it for so many years, that I suspect that his virgin status has become so much a part of his personality, his life's journey, his identity, that it will be hard for him to part with that.

I mean, it's hella crass to have the Fantasy Suite episode roll up and to have America be like, "LOSE IT! LOSE IT! LOSE IT!" re: Colton's virginity. It is SO MUCH PRESSURE on the poor hottie.  If Colton is smart, he'll cash in his V card before his season starts, get in a few rounds of practice, and THEN hump 3 women in 3 nights in the fantasy suite.

But I'm sure he won't do that.

He has gotten SUCH a kind reception from Bachelor Nation for sharing that he's a virgin and discussing notions of masculinity and sexuality and how toxic they can be. I give him SO MUCH credit for sharing his story, owning it, and not being ashamed. Honestly, it's super refreshing and I have a TON of sympathy for how much pressure is on young men to "man up" and get head, get laid, drink beers, punch things, fit into heteronormative gender roles of what guys are "supposed" to be.

But I think that when something is SO MUCH a part of your identity, as Colton's virginity is to him, it's extremely unappealing to change.  It's like years and years ago when I stopped doing comedy and just tried to work and chill/watch TV at night.  It lasted a few months, then I got back into comedy because it's simply who I am. So  much of my own identity, my own self-assessment is caught up in the fact that I do comedy—I couldn't walk away from that.

So I will be curious to see if Colton EVER loses his virginity during his season. I imagine that at some point in his life, Colton will finally hump, but I wonder if he will do it while the cameras are rolling and the pressure is on, ya know? We shall see!

A few quick other things:

-In two weeks, I will be launching TWO WICK MINIMUM: A Candle Podcast for Candleheads (on iTunes and all those places where you can get podcasts). I am SO excited. The first season will be 10 episodes and each episode is a roughly 30 minute conversation between me and a fellow candlehead. We talk about all the HOT TOPICS in the candle community and have some laughs. It makes me so happy. My amazing producer is the brilliant Katie Compa and she is truly the reason that any of this is happening. I have been talking about doing a candle-cast for so long and it's finally happening! I'll alert you when the first episode is live, lovers!

-This weekend on 10/20, the variety show that I co-produce with my wonderful friend Lauren Maul, BITCHCRAFT, is back! We have a jazzy line-up of standups, storytellers, singers, and more! Doors at 7:00, show at 7:30, $5 at the door. Come on by!  We're at Sid Gold's Request Room (26th Street near 7th Avenue).

And of course I'll be recapping Colton's season of The Bachelor when it kicks off (January, I think).  Happy fall, friends! xoxo

10 Years in New York City

I just hit 10 years of living in New York City, the point at which, New Yorker’s say, you become a “real New Yorker.” I tend to think that promotion happens the first time you watch a stranger literally take a dump on the subway (in which case I’m a real New Yorker three times over), but that’s just my take on the issue. 

Two years ago I wrote a piece in honor of my 8 year anniversary of living in NYC and, upon re-reading it, it’s still spot on!  I still love this city and my life here and almost every night I run around performing comedy—it’s amazing.  I still pinch myself that this is my life.  

But I’m a bit more circumspect about things this go-round and perhaps it’s because 10 years feels like a more meaningful anniversary.  A decade in NYC—what do you have to show for it? 

Well, I’ll shoot you straight—my career is not quite where I want it to be and at 10 years in, I thought that I would be “farther along.” (Oh, this is going to be one of THOSE posts, is it? Yes, it is. If I can gaze at my navel anywhere, it’s here on my old blog where I can overanalyze my own, 90s style, still pierced navel.)

OK OK so, after a decade in NYC, I thought I would be farther along.  

But what do I even mean by that? I’m not sure.  What IS “farther”?  And who decides what it is?  And whenever I decide or you decide farther IS, is that something I even want? Am I happy where I am, however far that is? 

The answer to that last one changes by the day.  

Some days I feel great about where I am—I feel understood, I feel like a member of the community, I think that people know who I am and that I’m pretty funny. I get called in for commercial and sitcom auditions occasionally even though I don’t have an agent or a manager, and that feels great! (Tune into RED OAKS on Amazon Nov 11th! I'm in episode 7 and I'm shameless!)  Also, I truly believe that slow and steady wins the race and, as my sister Laurel and I have always said, Coppocks are never going to be overnight sensations.  We’re workhorses who will get our due EVENTUALLY, but it won’t come quickly or easily.  

But other days I look at my contemporaries and friends who have leap frogged over me—people I used to do open mics with or run around with who now have amazing careers and myriad opportunities presented to them, and while I’m SO happy for my friends to get their due and have these successes, sometimes I feel jealous and completely unaccomplished and think, “am I actually NOT funny at all and this whole thing has been a giant ruse of people booking me just to be polite?”  

But I know that’s not true. (Right?? Right gang? Gulp.) 

I’ve been living in NYC for 10 years, but I have only been really focused comedically for about 6-7 years, I would say.  And that’s because it took me a while to get settled in and learn the ropes and also, more important, it has taken me a while to feel like I deserve to be heard or I deserve opportunities and it’s still an ongoing mental battle.  I think that this feeling is like a cousin to Imposter Syndrome and I’d be willing to guess that a lot of comedians grapple with this one.  

As a comedian, you must feel that you have something to share, that you deserve to be noticed or listened to (even if it’s just silly, strange ideas), that you can contribute to the conversation in society.  And it has taken me a while to get comfortable with that.  During my first few years in NYC, I was extremely intimidated by the comedy scene—by people who had the chutzpah to produce shows, by people who had the confidence to dominate conversation with news of their own careers, by people who knew the right way to be a mover and shaker in the community.  So it took me probably 3 years to really plug in and start getting booked with some regularity.  But then I still had my ongoing self doubts and thoughts of, why would the audience care what I have to say?  I often doubted if I had anything to say that was worth hearing.  And often I still do—I have a hard time feeling entitled to things.  

That lack of entitlement comes from an overabundance of gratitude, I think.  I thank and yet blame gratitude for the fact that I have a hard time feeling entitled to opportunities.   

I’m extremely thankful for my life—for this pathway.  I didn’t love growing up in a small town—I’ve always been an old soul and I just wanted so badly to meet more people, to hear more ideas, to be in a bigger place—small town life wasn’t for me.  Throughout high school I was pretty fixated on college—I could leave my hometown and meet new people and I couldn’t WAIT.  And I never envisioned anything post-college.  I never imagined a wedding or family or kids—I just wanted to get out of my hometown and college would be that.  And I absolutely loved college—my life, my friends, my studies, my activities—it was amazing.  And then I was fortunate enough to live in Chicago and Boston and now NYC and it all just feels magical and miraculous.  I’m not an eye-rolling hipster and I can’t be a “cool girl”—I’m so fucking excited to have an apartment I love and a “normal job” the pays my bills and to be living in NYC and performing comedy and knowing a LOT of people.  I love knowing people! It sounds stupid, but I find it thrilling to pop by an event that your friend is hosting and then know this girl at this bar and stop by this restaurant because another pal works there and then run into another person you know on the subway—it’s amazing! I’m so grateful for all of it.  

Also, comedic success is a moving target and the pathway is often 2 steps forward and 1 step back.  A certain booker loves you and books you a bunch, then moves away.  You get passed at a club and are psyched about that, then the club closes.  You have a lead on a fantastic opportunity and then the project falls apart.  When you’ve been in the comedy scene in NYC for a while, you can’t help but get cynical about stuff—you have seen a lot of clubs fail and deals fall though and comedians with so much buzz just sorta fade out.  There’s no clear pathway of THIS leads to THIS leads to THIS.  So you just have to create because the creating is its own reward.  You tell the jokes because you love writing and performing and telling jokes.  And if something comes of it, GREAT, but if not, that’s OK, too.  

And I guess that last part is what I’ve been having trouble with lately—reconciling my feelings of gratitude to get to participate in ANY of this with my feelings of, where is it going? Will it lead somewhere? Does it need to? What is “farther along”?  

I don’t know the answer to that, but I’ll keep writing and performing because the doing is its own reward.  And 10 years into NYC comedy life, that’s all I know right now.  

Bachelor Ben H. Ep 10: The Women Tell All

Monday night Chris Harrison wore many hats: cheerleading squad for Jubilee and Lace, mediator in a few tense conversations, and shameless journalist who is itching for an ugly cry. It was the episode that promises closure, but in reality probably opens up a world of hurt feelings and unresolved issues: THE WOMEN TELL ALL.

The episode kicked off with clips of Bachelor Ben and Bachelor Nation President Chris crashing Bachelor viewing parties and these fans are the real thing.  There were #hometown onesies, fantasy league scoreboards, decorated cakes, grandmothers, and—of course—roses.  Chris Harrison was feeling the love, saying that the fans are “like fuel” and they “blow up your world.”  Wait, is that what Lace’s tattoo says? I can’t quite remember.

Actual photo of Bachelor fans 

Then it’s time for the good part: when a dozen relevant cast-offs get DONE UP and look better than they have ever looked because they know this is their last moment in the limelight. Though a few of the ladies’ ideas of “super dolled up” weren’t so appealing to me and yes, I’m talking to you, Olivia. Who was there?

-Lace: Oh sweet, simple, inspirational tattooed Lace. She has some good highlights and a cute, white dress.

-Tiara: The girl who brought the chicken. You’re tiresome and you haven’t even said 3 words, but I like your big hair and white separates.

-Amber: Looking good, though I still think she’s bad news after she went after Jubilee. She’s rocking a bold lip, bright eye make-up and cleavage out.

-Jami: Her twin (not really, but kinda) in a yellow dress, tits out.

-Izzy: Who? Who cares.

-Rachel: Who? Is there an own here or just an assortment of blah brunettes who failed to make any sort of impression?

-Jubilee: Looking good in a blush, flowing gown and red lip.

-Shushanna: The Russian whose curls and highlights are absolute perfection.

-Lauren H.: Sure, she has good hair (still), but she also has a grating accent a mild case of racism/classism methinks.

-Olivia: WHO IS YOUR STYLIST? She’s rocking flat, blah hair with an odd bend in it, raccoon eyes, a bare lip (NO NO NO), and a bland white jumper. No thank you!

-Leah: DO YOU HAVE THE SAME STYLIST? Ladies, your shared stylist is trying to ruin you both! Leah is rocking a brown lip (I loved Melrose Place, too, girl, but come on), maybe lip injections on the top lip (anyone?), and a blah tan dress.

-Becca: She may have half shut eyes that remind me of Janice from the Muppet Band, but we share a love of sparkles and the color gunmetal, so I love her.

-Haley and Emily: The Vegas twins looks like Vegas twins.

-Amanda: Mama is looking good in a red, lace dress despite her cold.

-Caila: She has looked better and I wish she’d worn a brighter lip, but her black jumper is cute.

They kick things off with a montage of all the terrible things that they did and that were said about them as if to say, “Ladies, are you going to let her disrespect you like that?” and get the talons out.

Hi, I'm another pretty but forgettable brunette. Don't you remember me? 

Leah defends her bizarre anti-Lauren move saying that she heard that Lauren said a comment that the girls were “losers” for being upset about something or other (really detailed, reliable story there, Leah—I totally believe that that happened) and then insist that she didn’t “intentionally lie, though” despite the fact that there’s a videotape of her intentionally lying (though). 

The conversation is repeatedly disrupted by that stupid chicken, which some people found funny and odd, but I just found hella tiresome.  Then again, I’m a disgruntled old man who wants everyone to get off my lawn trapped in the body of a smoking hot fox, so I find everything tiresome. 

Jubilee (who is black, or as she says “full black”) has a tense stand off with Amber and Jami (who are both biracial) when they say that her repeated comments about being “real black” and “full black” were offensive to them and Shushanna backs them up by saying she heard it, too. The conversation continues after the break with Jubilee sitting down with Chris Harrison (after Leah chimes in to “get over it” and GIRL I wish you’d just shut up—I used to support you before you turned into a nightmare).

Jubilee and Chris have a touching conversation (and I mean that truly) about her heartbreaking family history and the trauma she has endured.  She says that she’s complicated and that she overthinks things to the point of self destruction and it certainly seems that she does, but hey Jubes, just as they say in GI Joe (which is a poor imitation of actual military people like you), knowing is half the battle.  I nearly got choked up when Chris Harrison ended her segment saying, “you might be complicated, but I hope you realize you’re a pretty special woman.” Oh Chris, may you lead Bachelor Nation until the end of time!

Lace hops in the hot seat and says that she’s working on herself more, trying to avoid the word “crazy,” and listen to people.  Good calls all around. As she’s talking, a random guy (seemingly from the crew) interrupts Lace in a moment straight out of an unrealistic romantic comedy that we were all force fed during our adolescence and gave us completely unrealistic expectations of what dating and romance would be like as adults and shouts that that she’s crazy… crazy beautiful, then he pulls up his shirt to reveal a tattoo of her face on his torso. 

Check that Lace tat!

It’s during this crucial juncture that Chris Harrison informs Bachelor Nation that this summer, Bachelor In Paradise will be back!  Huzzah! Apparently Lace will be the token kookoo bird and I just pray that sweetheart bartender comes back!

Olivia and her unflattering hairdo get in the hot seat and says that the show was hard to watch because she didn’t realize quite how much everyone hated her and she felt that no one quite “got” her.  Olivia claims that she “owns up” to the thinks she did wrong and that “we all did things we regret” which makes a bunch of the ladies laugh out loud.

ASIDE: I hate it when people say stuff like that—comments that assume that, hey, everyone is an unadulterated, selfish, horrifying sociopath at certain points, right? NO. Not everyone is. I remember back during my college sorority days, some girls would hook up with another girl’s ex-BF or current crush and say, “hey, we all do it—our sorority is so big—it’s just bound to happen.” No it’s not. YOU CHOOSE YOUR CHOICES. I somehow NEVER hooked up with a friend’s crush or ex-BF, so we don’t just ALL DO IT, OK? And same with Olivia—I doubt that many of the other women (save for Lace and Jubilee, maybe) did or said things they regret.  Most of the women there conducted themselves well and didn’t bring shame upon their families, so don’t generalize to serve your own ego.

ANYHOoOoooooooooo

Olivia apologizes to Amanda for calling her “Teen Mom” and saying that men should run away from single mothers (yikes) then previously boring Jennifer says that Olivia acted like the women in the house were airheads, but if she had gotten to know them or asked them questions she would have learned that they also like to “talk smart things.”  Olivia’s closing Hail Mary pass is that she was severely bullied as a child and that the house dynamics brought her back to those sad times and made it hard for her to socialize. I have a lot of sympathy for that, truly, but I’m not sure if I believe her.  Random drop-in Izzy makes a cogent point, saying that if Olivia HAS been through “the bullying thing” (there are better ways to phrase that, girl), then you should have learned and perhaps had more sympathy for her bunkmates. 

Olivia says that she doesn’t look at social media anymore because it’s so hurtful and prompts a really interesting conversation that breaks the fourth wall of “reality TV.” She apologies profusely, says that there’s no way of knowing how to do this, and she didn’t do it right but she learned. Way to go, girl.  Now if I may make a recommendation: big hair is much more flatting on you, Olivia. Go now in peace.

Then Caila gets to watch herself get dumped in front of a studio audience while wearing a very plain lipcolor.  She watches clips of Ben calling her a “sex panther” (and members of the studio audience are wearing homemade “SEX PANTHER” shirts) and them sitting on that bench in her hometown (that you KNOW will come up in her season as The Bachelorette—oh yes, did you hear the news? I’m NOT excited, but I will probably watch because this is an addiction and I surrender control).  She’s still blue over the breakup but after watching Ben and Jojo and Ben and Lauren, she sees how he looks at them and she wants THAT (which is a perfect sound bite to launch her journey to find love as The Bachelorette, aint it?).

Finally, Ben comes out and speaks with a few of the ladies to answer their questions and give them “closure,” but a few of those conversations seemed like that bad move you make when you and your ex agree to meet for drinks a few months after the breakup “for closure” or “to catch up” but you both know damn well it’s just so that you can look good in front of him and be like, “LIFE IS GOOD! Everthing’s coming up roses! But maybe we should make out in the coat room—wouldn’t that be funny and fun? Just for old time’s sake? What, no? You don’t want to do that? OK that’s fine. I’m doing great, so I don’t need your validation at all—am I drunk? No I’m not DRUNK, Jared. I’m FINE. I just wanted to meet up with you and catch up because I care about you, but I’m completely MOVING ON—can’t you tell by these new heels I’m wearing and this slimming dress that’s sort of similar to your favorite dress of mine but even TIGHTER? Hahah! I’m great!  All is well! WHY DID YOU FUCKING DUMP ME?”

ABC serves up some delicious Bachelor bloopers, Chris Harrison says that Ben belongs on the Mount Rushmore of Bachelor Nation history, and we watch a finale sneak peak in which Ben’s mom says that she’s “disturbed” that he’s in love with two women.

Next Monday is the 3 hour live event and I’m placing my bets now: Ben will propose to Lauren and Jojo’s brothers will be out for blood. What do you think? Who's going home broken hearted?

ALSO, if you want to hear me and my wonderful neighbor/fellow comedian Dava Krauss chat about this episode (and every episode) subscribe to our podcast, The Fantasty Suite here.

Bach 20 Special + Bach Ben Ep 7: Everyone Act Like You Aren't Freezing

Lovebugs!

On Sunday and Monday nights, ABC served up so much Bach goodness--I could hardly digest it all!

Sunday night's episode was called "The Bachelor at 20: A Celebration of Love" and Bach producers trotted out their handful of successful franchise romances to remind Bachelor Nation that, once in a blue moon, "the process" actually works and results in a marriage and/or kids.  All of our favorites were there--assorted Bachelors and Bachelorettes, random rejects, and comedians Paul Scheer and Ken Marino (which killed me). Clare and Michelle Money were like a long haired Statler and Waldorf duo checking out the "fresh meat" and cracking jokes. Ashley "poor man's Kim Kardashian" Iaconetti was there and, as usual, in tears over a disinterred and bland Jared. Kaitlyn and her fiancee Shawn (the human knot) were there along with Trista and Ryan, heavyset Bachelor Bob, that strange Andrew Firestone character--so many Bach Alumz!

ABC knows what we like, so they served up montage upon montage: breakups, man cries, scandals, characters you love to hate, hot tub scenes, bloopers, and casting tapes. Sure, it was a shameless clip show, but it was super fun to watch.

Hour #2 was dedicated to the gorgeous wedding of Bachelor In Paradise lovebirds Tanner and Jade and I'll admit that I cried like baby learning to "cry it out" and self soothe. During the fall of 2015, I had the pleasure of chatting with Tanner and Jade a few times for a potential project that didn't come to fruition and they are super lovely people--totally in love, extremely genuine and humble--the kind of people who you'd hope to meet when trapped in a weird reality TV situation.  Their wedding was gorgeous and having Chris Harrison as the officiant was a lovely touch, though the camera shots cracked me up.  Chris opened up talking about love stories--some are long (camera pans to Trista and Ryan), some are short (shameless shot of 2 time Bach loser Nick V.), some are just getting to the good part (camera pans to Kaitlyn and her poor man's Ryan Gosling fiancee, Shawn).  Their vows were touching and they exited as Mr. and Mrs. Tobert to exploding sparklers flanking the aisle, which resembled a kickass Whitesnake concert.

In a moment that felt like putting a hat on a hat, Seal sang "Kiss from a Rose" at the reception and I'm just impressed that their floral arrangements weren't entirely roses (I bet Jade had to veto some producers pushing for that).  Overall, a beautiful celebration and who doesn't love seeing all of our favorite bach alums?

Monday night we were back to present day Bach: Ben Higgins and his remaining 6 gals in his hometown of Warsaw, Indiana ("the Orthopedic Capital" whatever that means!) and this episode played out like an extended cut of John Mellencamp's "Small Town." Lordy Lordy WE GET IT, you're proud of your small town heritage and somehow don't feel completely stifled and strangled by small town life.  Ben, you are a very different person than I am (and apparently, than Caila is, too).

To kick things off, Ben cruises around town in a classic truck and meets his parents at the local diner where he tells them about each of the 6 women by saying how beautiful each is and where they are with regard to connection/chemistry. I was somewhat stunned that he never mentioned their jobs or hometowns or hobbies AT ALL.  Just like, Jojo and Caila are beautiful and Amanda is "shockingly beautiful." Great character descriptions, bro.


Lauren B. scores the first 1:1 date and she's feeling anxious because of Leah's bizarro lie that Lauren is two faced. Her hair may be two toned (with the dark roots creeping in), but Lauren is definitely not two faced. She and Ben drive around in his truck, play basketball with a crew of sweet kids at the Baker Youth Club (and Ronnie makes bucket after bucket from half court), and meet a handful of Indiana Pacers players with "George" somewhere in their names.  That night over drinks, Ben and Lauren discuss how stressful it was for her to be badmouthed unfairly, then--in a move straight out of my dream date--they hit up Ben's favorite local dive bar (REX'S Rendezvous) for drinks with his crew. They make out on a patio and Lauren says, "I'm not in love with Ben the Bachelor. I'm in love with Ben from Warsaw, Indiana." If Ben doesn't have the zip code or coordinates of Warsaw tattooed somewhere on his body, I'd be SHOCKED.  Next is Jojo's 1:1 date and the card references the "windy city," which inspires the saddest conversation on reality TV:

Emily: Well, it's pretty windy here? 
Becca: Chicago is known as The Windy City
[le fin]

LORDY LORDY when BECCA is the smarty pants in a conversation you are in TROUBLE.  I guess they don't cover basic geography in Las Vegas Public Schools. 

Jojo takes a car to Chicago where she meets Ben on a street corner and jumps into his arms just as a family is walking by and blocking the shot (HA!). Ben says that his favorite thing is that Jojo doesn't quite realize how much he likes her, even though he has told her many times. Blech. I hate that kind of "what I like the best about you is your ongoing insecurity and lack of self-awareness," bizarro "compliment" from dudes, ya know? It reminds me of that horrible One Direction song about how what makes a girl beautiful is when she doesn't know that she's beautiful. No thank you. 

Anyheeeeer.  They're up in my old stomping grounds of Wrigleyville (3200 North--what what!) and their date is a day at Wrigley Field, which is a truly magical experience.  I was loving this date until we heard two instances in rapid succession of both Ben AND Jojo not understanding what a friggin' personal possessive pronoun is.  KIDS, the phrase is "Ben's and my relationship" or "Jojo's and my date" NOT "AND I'S"??  Good Lord did you attend 5th grade? Aside: I once got a thank you note from a wedding that referred to "[name redacted] and I's wedding" and I was STUNNED. You're writing that on your formal wedding thank you notes!?  Doesn't that LOOK weird to you? Anyway--Jojo's style is, as always, completely on point and even though they both appear to be freezing, they look great as they play ball and dine in the baseball diamond.  They close the night by going to first base at home plate. HEYO! 

The next date is the dreaded group date and the theme is, as ever, act like you aren't freezing. Amanda, Caila, and Becca enjoy an awkward day of row boating at a swamp, kite flying, and barn sitting during which each couple gets 1:1 time.  Amanda talks about her kids and her past, Becca says that she likes Ben so much that it scares her and asks him to not blindside her (ya smell that foreshadowing???), and Caila compares herself to a moss that grows on a tree (the sturdy tree growing wherever it wants to grow being THE MAN, of course) and saying that she could move or live anywhere. I find it sad that she seems self-conscious about her family and the fact that they moved around a lot when she was a child because hey--the measure of your life is your life--there's no "right way" to do it. You don't lack "deep roots," Caila with the great hair, you just have a different kind of roots than Ben has and both are rad.  (Why am I treating this recap like it's a self help book written specifically for Caila? But seriously---pick up a copy of Caila's Journey: A Long Road to Self Love wherever books are sold).

Amanda scores the rose, so Ben and Amanda walk off to continue the date while Caila and Becca cry in the barn (and we get a prime shot of Becca's roots). 

ROOT SHOT! Caila's talking about Ben's family's
roots while Becca's roots grow in.

That night, Ben and Amanda do a "normal thing" and go to McDonalds where they are waited on by a cashier who does NOT have roots growing in and who is blonde and proud (get it, girl). Ben and Amanda ask if they can "work" the drive through, which I'm sure pissed off the REAL staff and was probably a health code violation (no hairnet, Amanda? COME ON), but Ben & Amanda had fun. Then they chow some food and eat a fry like those two dogs from Lady and the Tramp.  

Those dogs made it look so easy! 

As if that date weren't High School enough, around the corner is a Warsaw Town Carnival where Amanda and Ben make out on the ferris wheel.

The next day is Emily's first 1:1 and Ben takes her to meet his parents, which is an extremely aggressive move for her first 1:1 and also, too little, too late. Emily is decked out in her Vegas best--a look that clearly horrified Ben's sweet parents.  Caila's description of Emily as "a bright eyed puppy" with a  lot to learn is dead-on and her conversations with Ben's parents reveal as much. Emily rambles nervously as Amy and Dave grin awkwardly and nod their heads, learning that she overthinks everything (reeeeally? No seriously? Really?), that her dream is to be an NFL cheerleader (oh good! Are you hearing rumors about layoffs at the Twin office where you currently work?), and, most embarrassingly, that she's "very average" in her life, but plans to be above average as a wife and mother. Oh girl, just stop talking.  Ben's mother Amy legit CRIES to him and says that she's "fun" but too young and Ben finally decides that yes, turns out she's 23 and that's just too young.  He then takes her on the boat back to the house where the ladies are staying and dumps her on a scenic dock. I feel for Emily--ya go meet a dude's parents and think that you're doing great, then CURVE BALL you're getting dumped lakeside.  Even worse, the other 5 women watch it all go down through the window!  In a sweet move, then run to her as she walks toward the house and comfort her as she cries. I kano that when I get dumped by a guy, the ONLY people I want comforting me are his other girlfriends.

Emily departs and says that she's shocked but grateful for the experience says "why not me" which is a golden opportunity for me to share my favorite Judds song of all time:



Before ya know it, it's time for a very spooky and very chilly rose ceremony outdoors. Amanda already has a rose, and Ben hands them out to...

-Lauren B. - hoping that next week when she's home for hometowns she can see her colorist to avoid disaster (brown hair) 
-Jojo - as ever, a  killer look on this one
-Caila - sparkly dress with cape, looking good 

So who got blindsided after asking SPECIFICALLY not to be blindsided? The newly crowned Female Nick V., Becca. She cries in the limo and wonders why she put herself in this position again. Sweet Becca, cause we gotta. You can't get a hit if you don't swing the bat a couple times and hey, if nothing else, your nail color is fantastic. 

Next week: HOMETOWNS and Jojo's brothers are NOT buying what Ben's selling! I can't wait!

ALSO, after each episode, my friend and neighbor Dava Krause and I rehash the drama on our new podcast THE FANTASY SUITE. Tune in here for laughs and convo. 

Podcast - It's Not You, It's Us

Hello amigos!

I was recently on Jon Fisch, Kendra Cunningham, and Andy Fiori's fun,  new podcast, It's Not You, It's Us and you can listen to us talk about romance, relationships, and "my type" right here:

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Ep 5: Broback Breakup, Weasel Arrival

On Monday night’s episode of The Bachelorette we had 0 rose ceremonies, 1 departure, and 1 ARRIVAL.  WAH!?!??!  I know.  Hold onto your hats, love bugs.

The last episode closed with the Clint cliffhanger—would Kaitlyn finally wake up to his sketchy ways? Would he and his shiny forehead manage to fly under the radar and stay in the house with his beloved best friend forever, JJ?  On Monday’s episode, Kaitlyn pulled Clint aside and shot him straight—she doesn’t trust him and a ton of guys have warned her about him. Like a blonde, monotone robot, Clint insisted that he is there for the right reasons, that he had made himself vulnerable to Kaitlyn and that’s scary for him, that she's shy, and that he’s “best, best, best friends” with JJ. Smart cookie Kaitlyn informed him that this has nothing to do with his friendship with JJ and that he needs to go home. They walked back into the house where Clint asked the entire crew, “who talked to Kaitlyn and said that I was mean to you guys?” which is a worthwhile conversation to have as the door is hitting you on the way out, huh?  Not so much.  Kaitlyn apologized to the group (just like the Amy Schumer sketch) and then JJ chimed in to say that CLINT owes everyone an apology for causing drama and wasting their time.  Oh JJ—you’re such a stupid kiss ass. You’re totally the pity bid of the house who can’t bother to do the actual tasks asked of you but instead focuses on winning extra credit and brown nosing. Blech. No wonder you’re a FORMER Investment Banker, chach. Even Investment Bankers don’t like you (and that’s saying a lot, right Corey?).

Clint was shocked to be thrown under the bus by his bestie and the two of them had a tense, private conversation during which each admitted to the other that he had “told you things that I haven’t share with anyone in a long time” and Clint exited by mocking JJ’s tie (ZING!) and calling him a “Beeping piece of Beep.”  JJ then wept for the camera, walked off camera and slapped himself across the face, and said to him self “son of a bitch… suck it up.” Yowza. Methinks somebody grew up in a house where emotions weren’t permitted, and it’s pretty sad for JJ. 

Tanner might be a thin nosed loser, but kid is a wealth of comic relief with his comment that “Broback Mountain became Broback Volcano and erupted.”  Ian tells JJ that his behavior is despicable (hell yeah it is), Kaitlyn cancels the rose ceremony, and the gang learns that their next stop is New York City! 

In NYC the crew stays at a hotel in Times Square (my sincere condolences, boyz) and has 2 group dates and a 1:1 date. 

The first 1:1 date was a rap battle (and it was just as bad as you’d expect, despite Doug E Fresh’s best efforts) of Jonathan (Color Me Badd Miami Vice), Justin (whose hair is growing our horribly), Ben Z. (brick shithouse of love), Corey (current investment banker), Ryan B. (who looks cute in glasses but is highly forgettable), Tanner (whose sole purpose on the show is to make good sound bites), JJ (no one clapped for him—haha! Eat it, loser!), Shawn (who looks a lot like Justin, but hot).  They guys perform a live show and Ashley I. (female Bobby Bottleservice from the previous season of The Bachelor) is in the audience, along with Nick (2^nd runner up from Andi’s season).

Remember this jag? Are you still a "Software Sales Executive"
 if you're an unemployed loser with no boundaries? 

Nick takes Kaitlyn aside after the concert and asks if he can jump into the fray and be a suitor because “the idea that you could potentially be engaged and I wouldn’t have met you bugged me.” But isn’t that the case for ANYONE IN THE WORLD, you boundary-less jackass? There are TONS of people out there who you might be friends or acquaintances with and that doesn’t mean that you get to interject into their lives and be like, “hold up—I know you’re in the thick of the biggest adventure of your life and you’re presently dating a dozen dudes, but you have simply GOT TO TRY dating me!”  Fuck off.  It’s a pretty standard Bach franchise maneuver now (almost every season some jag wad who can’t get over his/her time on the show and simply GET A FRIGGIN’ JOB will show up unannounced mid-season) but it still sucks and the message is, “I have no boundaries and I didn’t bother going after you when you were free and a normal person who had done the show, but now that you’re THE Bachelor or THE Bachelorette, I want in and you should thank me for it.”

Kaitlyn thinks about it and even goes to Ashley S. (total kookoo bird from her season) to get her hair done and talk about love vs. lust. Oh man, Bach contestants live in a full Bach world! The hairdresser is a Bachelor alum! Another Bachelorette alum wants to date you!  Where’s the Bach alum butcher, baker, and candlestick maker?

She decides to go for it and let Nick join the show as another suitor.  The way that Kaitlyn and Nick’s kiss and hug does NOT look like two people who connected via social media, as she claims.  Who knows. 

Justin scores the rose after the rap battle/tense evening on the boat, but as Tanner says, “that’s the most meaningless rose in the history of the show” in light of the fact that said rose was given out just after Kaitlyn told the boys that Nick would be moving into the hotel suite.

Jared (Rhode Island’s finest restaurant manager) scores a 1:1 date and the couple gets decked out for dinner in the Metropolitan Museum of Art then a helicopter ride over NYC.  Jared get a rose. Somehow, rodent-like Jared is growing on me but he still feels like Aidan to Nick’s Big. Damn you, Nick!

The next day is another group date and the crew is Ian (can the hottest suitor please get more screen time, ABC?), Chris (dentist dweeb), Joe (Squished Face), Joshua (simpleton redhead), Ben H. (button nose, personality still MIA) who are going to BROADWAY to walk through a real Broadway audition!  The dance captain who taught them the choreography might be my favorite person ever and during the try out, Chris the dentist does his best impression of what he thinks an actor does (ACT! WITH BIG FACIAL EXPRESSIONS AND HAND MOVEMENTS! LOOK OVER THERE, MY FAIR LADY!) and his over-acting is rewarded when he wins the challenge. Kaitlyn and Chris then make their “Broadway debut” (as extras in a group scene) and—I’m shocked to admit this--Chris officially looks better in a cupcake then he does in a turban.  Post-show Chris and Kaitlyn head up to a rooftop and smooch beneath the New Year’s Eve ball in Times Square.  He gets a rose. 

Meanwhile, weasely Nick is making his way to the Knickerbocker Hotel (where, let’s be honest, he was probably shacked up on ABC’s dime anyway, but they need shots of him “arriving” so he roams around Times Square with a suitcase looking strangely forlorn about his impending love connection).  He does a good job of channeling Bill Murray from Lost In Translation and looking pensive, when we all know that he has never cared about making friends. HE’S NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS! Ahh—the reality TV dating cliches just won’t stop!

The episode ends without a rose ceremony, but instead with another cliff hanger when we watch Nick go enter the suite and say “what’s up, guys.”  We'll find out what goes down next week and I'm excited to watch some BRAWLS!

Bachelor Chris Recap - Ep 4: We Get It, You're A Virgin!

It's that time in the season when the episodes get juicier and more exciting and I lose my ability to crank our recaps quickly.  I'm sorry!  We got hit with a weirdo storm and I have had a ton of gigs--there are just too many good things going on in my vida loca!

So this recap is going to be as succinct as I can muster (which isn't especially succinct because I'm a rambling man when it comes to talking smack).

Chris Harrison gives the remaining ladies the lay of the land: this week there will be 2 group dates and a single one-on-one date for a girl who will be chosen by Chris' 3 blonde sisters.  Yes, it's a family affair and if you want to charm the sisters, you had better love playing Ghosts In the Graveyard!  (Remember Andi's season, Bachelor Nation?)

The first group date is Megan (blonde kinda bland), Kaitlyn (hella tiresome Canadian "comedian"), Ashley S. (*dut dut du do du da doo do dut dut du do du doo do* that's a transcription of the guitar opening to "Crazy Train" obviously), Ashley I. (wanna be Kardashian virgin), Juelia (baby mama with a late husband),  Samantha (brunette who has said ZERO words so far this season--it's like a new record for getting NO time on camera), Mackenzie (I bet was big into the X Files), Kelsey (short haired widow).  The date card says "let's do what feels natural" and the ladies crack a bunch of jokes about how much make-up they all wear 24/7.  It's true--the only girl who occasionally rocks a bare face is Jillian and when she does, I compare her to Mr. Bigglesworth.  Like the old saying goes: Damned if you do, hairless cat look-alike if you don't.  They load up some vintage convertibles (I hope somebody brought along spray in conditioner because convertibles may be fun but they are MISERY on loose hair) and drive to a lake where they spend the day swimming, drinking, and boating.

Hi, I'm Kelsey! Just a bubbly Austin gal
who HATES THESE BIMBOS! 

Ashley I. is looking for a way to "break out of her shyness" and she finds it in taking off her American flag bikini top and jumping off the floating dock.  Kaitlyn follows suit (NO PUN INTENDED BUT OMG HOW MUCH DO I RULE WITH THE SWIMSUIT JOKES?) and strips off her bikini bottoms before jumping in the water.  Short haired Kelsey is NOT happy and says that this is a date made for bimbos.  She says that there are better lakes in Michigan and refers to this one as a "hell hole" (hey, at least you know where you stand in a HELL HOLE, right?), she'd like to stab herself in the eye with a fork, and then gets stung by a bee right in the crotch area.  Somebody has had a lil too much birthday.  We're seeing the first seeds of Two Faced Kelsey emerge--she's whiney and negative around he girls but turns on the charm in front of Chris.  Aha--one of you appears every season--it's just a matter of who will play that role.

Oh, but the day isn't over after the final game of Red Rover (the worst game in the world)--the gang is going to be CAMPING OUT!  As they erect their tents, Mackenzie cracks jokes about holes and insertion (cause she's 21 going on 13) and makes more comments about aliens (this is the 2nd time she has brought up aliens, as Bachelorette alum Nick Peterson shrewdly noticed).

That night the crew gathers around the campfire to drink whiskey, dance, and tell scary stories by the flashlight.  Ashley S. has one-on-one time with Chris during which she asks him "what are you?" over and over; Kelsey sulks until she gets some alone time with Chris and then she flips a switch and becomes a giggling, bubbly fun time gal; and Ashley I. says something about how much she likes Chris that involves the phrase "you don't even know, " proving once and for all that she IS Bobby Bottleservice.  In the middle of the night, Ashley "I was born in an Ed Hardy T-shirt" I. goes to Chris' tent and confesses to him that she's inexperienced "in every way possible" (GET IT?) and that "basically, like, so far I feel like I’ve been portrayed as not how I am" (wait 'till the producers cut up your outtakes, girl) and finally, that despite her looks and attitude, she's actually a nerd (OH I BELIEVE YOU, Ashley!).  Chris is half asleep and seems confused, but Ashley exits his tent feeling reassured that they had a good, honest conversation.  

Hi, I'm Ashley I. and I used to be an awkward
nerd, if you can believe it.  

While these ladies are getting the smell of campfire embedded into their expertly-curled hair, back at the house Chris' 3 sisters Jackie, Laurie, and Lisa are interviewing the housebound ladies.  The sisters are tough interviewers and don't pull any punches, inquiring about the girls' dating histories and willingness to move to Iowa.  Jade admits that she's a model (but recently launched a make-up line), Britt says that she sees herself as the front runner, and Carly wins my heart by getting emotional and saying that guys haven't been very nice to her, as far as dating goes. Oh girl. I get you SO MUCH. I'm sorry I ever mocked you, sweet cruise ship performer. If you want to hear ME get emotional about how guys weren't very nice to me, listen to my episode of RISK here.  But I digress!

I would have bet big money that Carly's sweet words would win her the 1:1 date card (as selected by the trio of blonde sisters), but Jade is the victor.  Once the girls are assembled back in the Bachelor Manse the next day, Jade is whisked away (well, not that far away--just to another room) where a faux fairy godmother helps her pick out a dress, jewelry, and shoes.  Ashley I. is extremely jealous as she watches the Cinderella scene unfold, saying that SHE should haven been chosen for the princess date, not the camping date.  Is there anything sadder than watching a grown woman who is obsessed with recreating the toxic gender dynamics of a fairy tale?

Yeah there is--watching a professional orchestra serenade a bachelor and his surprise date while they muddle through some bush league ballroom dancing moves on an elevated platform.  Jade and Chris have a good date, though, and share that they have both been engaged before.  They dance on that platform, watch a clip of Disney's new Cinderella (there was nothing subtle about that product placement), then Jade runs off as the clock strikes midnight (but doesn't lose a shoe OR fall down the stairs--I was hoping for a more exiting exit).

The final group date is Nikki (former NFL cheerleader with giant eyes), Jillian (hairless cat gym rat), Whitney (voice like nails on a chalkboard), Carly (my soul mate in hair color and life experiences), Britt (wears make-up in her sleep), and Becca (slow burn who RULZ) and it involves each girl putting on a white wedding dress, flying to San Francisco, and going through a Tough Mudder-style muddy obstacle course.  The challenge was like a miniature Running of the Brides at Filene's Basement (BOSTON!) but with fewer ladies and more dirt.  Jillian is insanely competitive so she wins the challenge (of course), but loses the war (Chris).

During their dinner date (that Jillian wins as a result of coming in first place on the obstacle course), Jillian won't shut up about sports, lifting, dirty jokes, and her hatred of planning and goal setting (because she's just good at stuff and it comes naturally, you guys).  She comes up for air during a brief moment during which Chris takes the rose in his hand and then sends her home. Talk about a fake out! She starts crying, says "situation" a million times, and regrets not revealing herself sooner, but that's not the issue here, girl!  You DID reveal yourself just now and Chris don't like it. Ciao!

Before we know it, it's cocktail party time and Megan's look is far too uniform in color (all tan/gold) but she soldiers on with a weird fondue "date" during which she makes Chris eat chocolate covered fruit while blindfolded then guess what he is eating.  She doesn't know how many senses we have and I sense that she'll be sent home soon. Heyo!

Ashley I. continues to be 26 going on 14 and she pulls Chris aside to inform him for the second time that she's a virgin but IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL and don't take it too seriously!  Just look up at the skywriting up there, it says "I'M A VIRGIN -ASHLEY I."--can you see it?  She reports back to her bizarre fairy God Pimp, Mackenzie (who is acting oddly mature for a 21-year-old alien conspiracy theorist) then breaks down in tears.  During this drama Becca reveals that she, too, is a virgin but in her case it is ACTUALLY not a big deal.  Oh Becca, you have great hair and a great way about you.  Keep on trucking! Britt snaps at Chris about the camping date and the fact that Kaitlyn took off her bikini bottoms and that said "behavior and action was validated" by her receiving a rose. Well well well, Britt--SOMEBODY has been reading self help books!

Finally it's rose ceremony time.  Kaitlyn and Jade already have roses.  Who will live to see another week chez Bach?

Whitney - will Chris EVER tire of that voice (not to mention personality)?  We can only hope.
Carly - me, if I were to live in the Bachelor Manse
Megan - blonde dummy (though I gotta note: the first 3 ladies picked are BLONDIES! Yahooo!)
Samantha - will she utter a single word this season? STAY TUNED!
McKenzie - alien believer who knows the value of a virgin (#horrible)
Kelsey - short haired TWO FACE
Becca - keep an eye on this girl--she's going places! (Places = fantasy suite)
Ashley I. - next week the baby deer announces that her hymen is in tact ONE MORE TIME!
Britt - last place for the girl who thinks SHE is the favorite! That's what we call eating HUMBLE PIE!

So who is hitting the bricks? Ashley S. (I truly hope that she gets the help that she needs and finds a more stable cocktail of meds), Nikki (time to get a job, huh, Former NFL Dancer?), and Juelia (time to go back to baby).  Next week the crew heads to Santa Fe, New Mexico where Kelsey goes from being two faced to being straight-up hysterical.  I can't wait!

Tonight at Union Hall

Tonight in the basement of Union Hall, I'm joining forces with a few of my besties to bring you a night of fantastic stand-up comedy.

We've gotten love in the NYTimes:
An Evening with Matt Wayne, Selena Coppock and George Gordon (Wednesday) Kendra Cunningham hosts these three impressive young talents from the Park Slope area for half-hour sets. At 8 p.m., Union Hall, 702 Union Street, at Fifth Avenue, Park Slope, Brooklyn, 718-638-4400, unionhallny.com; $7. (Czajkowski)


And in the Village Voice:
An Evening with Wayne, Coppock and Gordon

Union Hall, Doors 7.30 p.m. / Show 8 p.m. $7

Three of the strongest young Brooklyn comics take the stage tonight, all stretching out to half hour sets. Matt Wayne pops and fizzes with zingers and old timey goofs, like his whole act is an audition to be your favorite uncle. George Gordon is one of the best out there at killing with cadence and laconic repetition. And Selena Coppock (author, New Rules for Blondes) is the dark horse audiences never see coming: a performer with unexpected tales of booze and G'n'R cover bands lurking behind that "elegant young lady" look.

Come on out to Union Hall (Union Street and 5th Avenue, Brooklyn) and get some cheap laughs!  Doors at 7:30pm, show at 8:00pm, tickets are $7 and life is good!