Monday, December 13, 2021

WARNING: HOT TAKES AHEAD

OK, my thoughts on AND JUST LIKE THAT, as a SATC superfan, a former tour guide on the Sex & the City Bus Tour, and a person who owns a killer pair of SJP heels BUT tends to side with Kim Cattrall when it comes to the claims that the other 3 women have behaved like Mean Girls toward her. 

I can’t organize them into anything that flows nicely, so here are my hot takes in a bulleted list. God, I love a bulleted list. 

-That opening restaurant scene of Carrie, Miranda, and Charlotte eating was bizarre. Most of Carrie’s lines were stupid one-liners that felt like punchlines and completely removed from an actual conversation. Feels like the writers are having a hard time replicating the witty banter and patter that the four women used to enjoy. 

SAMANTHA

-First off, BRAVO to Kim Cattrall for setting a boundary, moving on professionally, and never looking back. Although WE MISS AND NEED SAMANTHA and the script shows that. The explanation for her absence is that she moved to London after Carrie fired her as a publicist and Carrie says a line about how Samantha ditched her as a friend after Carrie stopped “being her personal ATM.” Oh girl. No. This line feels like SJP talking about Kim Cattrall straight up. From my understanding, during casting of season 1 of the show way back when, SJP, Nixon, and Davis were all ready to rock and Cattrall was the lone hold-out (she’s more of a film actress). The powers-that-be SATC wanted Cattrall SO badly to play Samantha but she wasn’t sure. SJP was set up as Executive Producer from the start and Cattrall had some leverage, so asked if she could also have some sort of Producer or Exec Producer role but was turned down. She took the role anyway and, from what I have heard, revisited this topic a few times over the years when salaries were being renegotiated. Totally normal—that happens in ANY job. I do NOT understand why a franchise that was SUCH an ensemble piece didn’t end up doing collective bargaining (like the cast of FRIENDS during that same era) but they didn’t and only SJP got to be Executive Producer. Curious. Then, somehow through the passage of time, the story gets twisted into Kim Cattrall is a money-grubber and a line about “personal ATM” get thrown in. How tacky.

AND SECOND THING concerning this whole aspect, is that Samantha would NEVER ghost her friends like that and, most important, Samantha Jones PR would NEVER take on Carrie Bradshaw as a client in the first place! CAN YOU FEEL ME SEETHING ABOUT THIS?? Samantha represented hotels, venues, BIG DEALS (and, well, one bratty teenager one time but I digress)--not columnists turned authors turned podcast hosts. So I reject the foundation of the storyline entirely. 

AND FINALLY, as far as storylines go, I feel like Cattrall got the short end of the stick with her character’s storylines for EONS. She didn’t have clauses in her contract about “no nudity” (whereas some of the other women did and, again, you have to wonder if there was a sense of her feeling like, “oh wait, you guys all negotiated no nudity but nobody told anybody else about it?”) so Cattrall had to stay in great shape for 6 seasons and 2 films.  Then, also, her character got stories that felt mean-spirited to me. A sampling of Samantha’s storylines from the later years that are mostly humiliating: Samantha got FAT (SATC movie) Samantha’s having hot flashes and going through menopause (SATC II). As Cattrall said in an interview with Piers Morgan, she has explored the character of Samantha thoroughly and made an empowered decision to move onto new project and new ventures. Bless. This is a classic situation in which the person who is the odd-man-out and feels attacked (Cattrall) tries to defend herself and yet somehow SHE is painted as the problem, the loose cannon, the “bitter woman” when, in fact, it seems as if EVERYONE ELSE was being stunningly cruel and insensitive to HER! I experienced the same situation when I left the world of improv and left Boston in a now-defunct theater company. It’s infuriating and it’s amazing how quick the rumor mill writes you off as “difficult” when you’re actually the victim of some adult bullying. Anyhoo—JUST MY TWO CENTS HERE LOL!!

-It’s interesting to watch the lines that WOULD HAVE BEEN Samantha’s bon mots get sent over to Stanford who handles them beautifully, but you can just FEEL the energy of “oh that moment of levity would have been handed to Samantha in episodes’ past.” 

-Remember how in the first SATC movie, Miranda was the one who sort of “fucked up” and set off the chain of events that ended with Big not showing up to the wedding? Just after the rehearsal dinner at Buddakan (a place that the Sex & the City bus tour STOPS AT and where I once went on a dinner date with a guy who I’m convinced was recently out of jail and in the mafia) when Steve showed up (after having cheated on Miranda) and Steve and Miranda had words, then Miranda said, “you’re crazy to get married” to Big? Well, it’s funny to watch the wheel of blame keep on turning (and BRAVO to Samantha for jumping off) because this time around, it’s Charlotte who is to blame! She wanted the gals at Lily’s piano recital which meant that Carrie couldn’t be home when Big had his heart attack. Just struck me as interesting—like a song from Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians—the wheel keeps on turning and turning and turning and… 

-Miranda’s cringey, clueless, well-intentioned-white-woman-who-actually-does-more-harm-than-good scenes are SO PAINFUL to watch and I really hope that in the next 8 episodes, we land somewhere useful with all of this. 

-Nicole Ari Parker plays Lisa Todd Wexley (a character that Anthony calls “Black Charlotte” which sorta stunned me) has the absolute BEST costumes and jewelry of the entire franchise. I feel naked wearing my rinky-dink statement jewelry next to her beautiful pieces and presentation.

-Trying to push this franchise into the year 2021 feels HARD and CLUMSY but I’m curious to see where they go with all of it. I DO give them a lot of credit for admitting that while Carrie’s column was the OG ‘sex’ column of NYC, she’s actually quite bashful about the stuff and not as “sex-positive” as one would expect in today’s cultural climate. The way that the ladies talked about sex in the show, while pioneering in its era, mostly used humor and deflection to avoid facing crude topics head-on (“The In-The-Butt Guy” and “Funky Spunk” and silly jokes about vibrators, fake nipples). So I found the podcast scene (“Do you masturbate? Have you had sex in public?”) to be fascinating because, yeah, Carrie gets really uncomfortable there and that is true to her character. Her column, though it was called Sex & the City, was really a column about dating, not sex quite as much. 

-Did anyone else feel like Carrie was more devastated by Big standing her up on their wedding day than she was about HIM DYING? 

-I LOVED LOVED LOVED the blonde woman who, at Big’s funeral, says, “am I the only one who remembers what a prick he was to her?” AMEN, lady! Also, I know that face. Was she married to the guy who developed a big crush on Charlotte… or was it Carrie? And their newlywed marriage broke up? It was a small storyline in 1 episode early on but I remember her face and voice. 

-Why is a lifelong pot smoker like Che smoking a bowl WITH A LIGHTER like it’s 1999 and we’re out past curfew in the woods? They should be hitting a frigging vape or a one hitter—come on! Even I know that and I’m a 40-something who can’t function if I so much as walk through a cloud of secondhand pot smoke!

-It cracks me up that the title is AND JUST LIKE THAT because that phrase was one thing I disliked about the show so majorly. It’s a euphemism much like, “next thing I know” that covers up what ACTUALLY happened and makes everything seem easy. Or have I just heard too many obnoxious stories about how some giant celebrity wasn’t even TRYING to be famous but they tagged along to a casting call with their cousin “and next thing I know, I’m walking the runway in Milan” or some shit. Ya know? The cultural obsession with obfuscating how FUCKING HARD things can be is so tired. Man, I am in a MOOD today, huh?? HA! 

-The franchise has long been derided for its lack of diversity and, man, they are TRYING to make improvements there and I want to give them time to show us more. Often if feels like a tricky task: “Hey, please change your show to more fully showcase the diversity of New York City.” Then when the show does that, there’s a sense of, “NOT LIKE THAT!” I’m going to give them a chance—I’m hopeful that Miranda’s character can grow and learn and that all of the great, new faces we’re seeing, will get some solid storylines and scenes. 

-I DO NOT believe that Miranda P. Hobbes, Esquire and Steve “my mother is the President of Catholicism” Brady would EVER let their teen son fuck his girlfriend in their home! Perhaps I’m Pollyanna AF but that tidbit blew my mind and grossed me out. Also, does the son seem to be PRETENDING to be getting laid so as to annoy his parents? Listen, I was a weird, angry teenager, too, but I never JOKINGLY insinuated that I was humping in my bedroom. If this is a joke—I don’t get it.

-ALL THIS SAID, it is nice to be back among friends walking the lovely streets of summertime NYC. It’s nice to see these women we love who are now in their 50s learning things, growing, and rolling with changing social mores. I will forever love SJP for not being a supermodel and yet, still being the main character of a legendary, iconic franchise beloved by so many. Perhaps that sounds rude, though I mean it as a compliment and a source of inspiration. They didn’t cast a literal model and have her learn how to act. They cast a lifelong professional actress (she was ANNIE on Broadway, for crying out loud) whose looks some troglodytes have insulted and paraded her around as the Queen Bee of NYC and I absolutely love Sex & the City for it. 

So, I’m hopeful, dear readers. There are 8 more episodes of this season and I hope that the new chapter can settle into a solid rhythm and style. In homage to Miranda’s cringey and problematic scenes so far, I’m ending this blog post PROBLEMATIC AS HELL and saying this: Much like Chapelle said when he hosted SNL right after Trump was elected (I WARNED YOU), I’m hopeful and I’m going to give ‘em a chance.

Also, while I have your attention, there is still time to buy a candle set from my candle collab with Wax Cabin Candle Company!  Makes a lovely holiday gift!  Check them out here.  

Thursday, July 1, 2021

The Jedburgh Podcast

Hello friends! 

It's been a minute!  I'm hanging in there in NYC.  I retired from standup, got a promotion at my job, moved in with my boyfriend (just a few blocks from my old place), and am enjoying Post Vax Summer!  

Recently, I had the privilege of chatting with a pal from my hometown (Weston), Fran Racioppi, host of The Jedburgh Podcast. We talked about comedy, feminism, standup vs. improv, punching up/punching down, hustling in NYC, and being open to messages from the universe. It was such a fun conversation and Fran is more than just a former Special Forces Green Beret, the founder of FRSix, and a brilliant public speaker--he's also a wonderful conversationalist and a man who does his homework!

Click on the image here to be linked directly to our episode or look up The Jedburgh Podcast on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you get your pods. It was a really fun conversation.  Tune in! 

Tuesday, January 5, 2021

2021

Love bugs!! 

Hello hello!! Remember during Clare's season of The Bachelorette (which feels like a MILLION years ago, no?) when I was like, "I'm going to recap! This pandemic can't keep me down!" Hahhahaha what a simpler time.  I was unable to keep up with it and, as you probably noticed, I stopped recapping.  I kept watching and tweeting and posting stuff to Instagram, but I just couldn't write up recaps like I used t

I mean, so much Bachelor Nation engagement happens on Twitter and Insta now--not over here in my blog.  So I'm stepping away from recaps yet again.  I may write random essays on here, though--this blog isn't over, sweet pals. 

One thing I HAVE been able to restart is Two Wick Minimum, my podcast about candles.  I hired an Editor/Producer gentleman who takes my Zooms with guests and my intro music and my welcome audio and weaves it into a file!  Huzzah!  I hate technology!  And having guests on via Zoom is SO COOL!  I had on Ken Reid, a Boston-based comedian and super successful podcaster (check out his rad, long running pod TV Guidance Counselor), plus a fellow Brooklyn-based comedian and, most recently an LA-based comedian!  Geography is no object anymore!  Hooray!  Those last 2 eps will be dropping soon. 

So, for right now, just about all I can handle is my normal job and my podcast and that's OK.  We're all slogging through a LOT and trying to keep our heads above water.  And right now, all I want to do is watch The Bachelor and fire off some silly tweets and that's all good. 

To anybody who is out there reading this, I'm sending you love.  We have all lost so much this year.  It has been so damn brutal with death, hardship, trauma, tragedy, fear.  Just when I have thought that we can't really take anymore and that things can't get worse, they do.  Friends have lots family and friends from Coronavirus, but then also, so many people have died of other things: ongoing medical issues, overdoses, suicide.  It's all just so much.  I'm sorry to be so dark.  This is just to say: I'm sorry, I love you, we're all in this together.  

And please listen to my podcast! xoxo



Monday, November 9, 2020

Bachelorette Clare Ep 4: Blown Up

Hello! 

This entry is very belated, as ABC aired The Bachelorette on Thursday instead of Tuesday due to the election and then we learned the results of the election on Saturday and I've mostly been drunk and dancing ever since!  So I'm late with this and honestly, Thursday night's episode of the feels like it happened a million years ago! 

I watched Thursday night's episode live and to be honest, I don't remember much of it.  I remember Chris Harrison going to Clare's hotel room to do a Love Intervention of sorts.  Then she goes on a 1:1 date with Dale while the rest of the guys sit around their hotel suite assuring one another that Clare still has an open heart.  Oh you poor, poor fools.  Meanwhile Dale and Clare have dinner and it's a very standard 1st date in that they discuss their parents' courtships and get to know VERY BASIC things about one another, but also, before all that, Clare tells Dale that he's the one and she is ending this season to run off into the sunset with him.  At first he seemed a little bit thrown off and I got definite "too  much too soon" vibes off him, but he seems to be into it, based on how the rest of the episode played out. 

The next day, Chris Harrison goes back to Clare's room for Love Intervention: Part II during which he asks Clare if they have said I love you, if they are both 100% into this, and if he can basically declare her time as The Bachelorette over.  She says yes to all this, then goes to say goodbye to the guys. 

It was stunning how much one women dumping 15ish guys at the same time really felt like watching a breakup, ya know? I thought it would feel formal and workplace presentation-like, but it actually felt like watching a couple talk through a breakup. And I appreciate that a few of the guys were a bit defensive or doubtful of Dale's intentions (BLAKE), but most were just happy that Clare accomplished what she came there to do: find love.  

Then we cut to Dale proposing to Clare (who is wearing a gorgeous white dress) and her accepting, and the next thing we know, Chris Harrison is informing the guys that a new bachelorette will be arriving TONIGHT and here comes Tayshia!! 

I'm glad that Clare found love and I TRULY TRULY hope that she and Dale are in it together forever.  But it all feels a LITTLE quick, no?? But then again, who knows?  There's no right or wrong timeline!  My parents dated 2 months then got engaged and were married within 6 months and their 50th wedding anniversary is coming up!  I KNOW!!  

I'm really glad for the remaining guys that they get another chance at competitive, reality TV love and I think Tayshia is a perfect pick.  She's gorgeous, smart, and eager to TRULY do this thing.  I think she'll be a fantastic Bachelorette.  What do yo think, fellow Bach fans??? 


Wednesday, October 28, 2020

Bachelorette Clare Ep 3: Tunnel Vision

In Bachelor Nation, we like to joke that Chris Harrison claims that THIS SEASON is the most dramatic season yet and he says that EVERY SEASON but THIS time around, he might be right. 

I don't think I quite have it in me to write a traditional recap (general Pandy Times anxiety, weird tension I have had in my neck and calf since early voting started, my personal worry that I'll have to wait in line 3.5 hours to vote--the standard time at my polling place--and won't have access to a bathroom at all) SO, I'll just share my hot takes with you, dear reader. 

YOSEF 

Oh dude, fuck you. Fuuuuck you. As of this episode, Yosef has attended 2 pre-rose ceremony cocktail parties and he has completely derailed each one.  He approaches Clare looking for a fight (which is always a bad look and a style of engagement that truly makes me fearful of the guy), demands an audience with her, then trots out his prepared remarks about the strip dodgeball game (an activity that he DID NOT DO! He was not on that date! And THIS is why! Producers actually DO pay attention to who will enjoy what date activity).  He says how this experience is so hard for him BECAUSE HE HAS A DAUGHTER and ever moment he is in Palm Springs, he is not with his daughter.  Yes, that is how time works, guy.  EVERYONE left their lives behind for this and you don't have any MORE important or worthy things that you are missing than anyone else does.  If you feel like this is a waste of time, you can bounce!  You don't need to ream Clare out for some BIG, TRIUMPHANT exit.  Because it may be big, but it's not triumphant.  Every sentence he said came off as needlessly cruel and VERY angry.  He strikes me as a guy who is unhappy with his own life choices and he can't bring himself to look inward, so he lashes out at others, and, specifically, at women.  I can't wait to see if they do a MEN TELL ALL special and the way that this guy shows his face in public again. 

He says "remember, you're almost 40, Clare" and makes repeated snide comments that she's THE OLDEST BACHELORETTE EVER as if that's something to be ashamed off.  Men like him, when scared, will always fall back on the standard misogyny insult line: she's old, she's crazy.  He taps into a major insecurity ("everyone here is just appeasing you") and essentially gets chased out by the other men--men who are gentlemen and all say that he was out-of-line and completely inappropriate.  My heart really went out to Clare as she was fighting with Yosef--that argument got DIRTY and MEAN and I know how it feels to be completely ON YOUR OWN and you have to defend yourself to a grown man who is screaming at you and insulting you.  It's terrifying.  

After all that, Dale comforts Clare especially well, and of course he does: he has 4 sisters and was raised by women!  Honestly, dudes like that are usually SUPER perceptive to how a woman might be feeling.  Throughout the episode, Dale refers to "verbal abuse" and the way those insults stay on your mind and leave scars and I was screaming, "YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT, DALE!"  More on Dale later. 

Worth noting: Riley knew that Yosef sucked from the start and was vocal that Yosef sucks.  Points for Riley. 

Clare goes away for a while to collect herself, then conducts a delayed rose ceremony that is pretty standard stuff.  Three guys are sent home: a dude with very tall hair, a guy with a sorta snake-ish look, and Garin, college Professor (USC!) and journalist who I have been rooting for because he seems super solid and his Instagram is lovely.  What a loss! 

Throughout this episode, things didn't run on schedule--did you notice that as a recurring theme?  The rose ceremony was LATE at night b/c of the Yosef drama. Then the next day, a crew of guys are ready to go for a daytime group date and they are given NO information on when they will be leaving, so are stuck waiting in the living room, "ready to go" for HOURS!  Finally Clare shows up and is like, "we'll just do a cocktail party, OK?"  Why not tell them that hours back?  Dudes could nap or chill or swim!  

While the dudes were stuck waiting around, Clare and DeAnna (former Bachelorette 12 years back) chat about the guys and Clare is ALL DALE, ALL DAY.  Normally these "look, we're friends!" conversations happen, and the protagonist will gush over a few of the guys, plus DeAnna might have a chance to hang out with them poolside.  But instead, Clare talks about how it was love-at-first-sight with Dale, how she sleeps with his pants over her face (I AM NOT KIDDING), and mentions no one else in the harem of dudes. 

At the start of the group date that night, Dale gives a semi-patronizing speech (which Riley hilariously calls a "Band of Brothers" speech) and initiates a group hug and it all just feels like, dude are you a fellow contestant here or are you the new Chris Harrison?  I think that Dale IS smart about how people are feeling and he's attempting to create a feeling of community BUT it's not his job to do that, it sorta usurps Clare's position, and it's condescending as hell to the other guys! 

Clare and Dale walk off hand-in-hand to talk ("just 5 minutes!" Dale had claimed) and rather than remaining in the outdoor area on a bench or something, they go off TO HER PLACE and, specifically, to her BEDROOM for ALMOST AN HOUR.  ALMOST AN HOUR!! Good Lord!  Look, I am a Bachelor die-hard and I waste SO much brain space with stupid minutiae about this damn franchise, its traditions and characters, but this is not OK and not normal.  YET ALSO I can totally get why Clare is falling for Dale so hard!  He is super handsome but more than that, he's supportive, thoughtful, and tender with her.  For many, many years I dated so many dudes and casual dating, or even not-so-casual dating can leave you defensive and lonely.  I got stood up a few times, insulted, ghosted, mislead, and humiliated and it really made me defensive toward ANY guy, which made it even harder to let a good one in.  So when you find a good one and he serves up the catnip of "I'm proud of you" and "I have your back," you're going to jump in HARD.  BUT I wish that Clare had a bit more confidence in herself, which I think would enable her to appreciate Dale's affection, but also keep DALE on his toes by flirting with and paying attention to the other men.  

I blame the destruction of this season on 2 things: Clare and The Producers.  Clare is off-the-rails, never seemed to have a fully open mind and open heart to non-Dale participants, and she is being disrespectful to these guys who left a lot back at home to be here (you still suck, though, Yosef).  And The Producers aren't wrangling her well enough. Dates are running late or not even happening and the Bachelorette is wandering off for hours at a time.  This season is difficult and unprecedented: they are stuck at this resort and really cannot GO anywhere, DO anything, or interact with other people, so I have sympathy for how the team behind the show is SCRAMBLING and dealing with unpredictable issues. That said, the Producers need to control this and force Clare to spend more time with each guy.  I felt like Chris Harrison talking with Clare 1:1 (start of episode) and DeAnna talking to her were moves to try and get a sense of WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? 

Once the other guys on the group date pried Clare and Dale apart, some guys started having 1:1 time with her and then we see a clip of Clare asking the Producers, "can we kind hurry the rest along?" which is a BAD LOOK for Clare, and very duplicitous of the show to air (so, par for the course).  I think that the show wants to expose Clare at this point.  During Jojo's season, they were able to sort of hide Jojo's obvious crush on Jordan because Jojo had SOME interest in the other guys. With Clare, the Producers can't hide it b/c Clare talks about Dale constantly.  

Riley, Eazy, Chasen, and Jason all gave Dale some grief for how he behaved and I appreciate those guys for it.  Jason went FULL LONG ISLAND when he literally said, "you think you're better than me?" to Dale and flipped off the camera.  Jason, are you sure you're from Long Island and not Boston?? 


The next day, Zach J. (aka FART BOX) has a 1:1 date and it's hard to watch because he's so hopeful and naive.  Gosh this season has SO MANY additional, odd layers happening and it's FASCINATING to watch and keeps the franchise fresh and unpredictable, but it's truly VERY cruel to these men.  Zach J. comes off as very sweet and likable during this date, if a bit simple?  They get pedicures, Clare reveals that she's not at all ticklish (weird?), then they go swimming and KISSGATE goes down.  Lord did you see that bizarro kiss attempt/abort?? They were swimming and Clare went to get out of the pool and leaned in to kiss Zach J and she leaned in 80% toward him and I expected him to pop up that last 20% but he just STOOD THERE and did NOTHING, so Clare high-tailed it outta there in a cloud of uncomfortable giggles and "let's get ready for dinner" requests.  Again, and I DO feel bad for Clare here as she navigate these feelings, but when you aren't just relaxed and curious about a guy, but rather feeling a bit wounded or defensive or unexcited, then you take a chance like leaning in for a kiss, it makes the perceived rejection TEN TIMES WORSE.  Oh man I have walked this road.  My old roommate Liz used to tell me that I had a tendency to perceive EVERYTHING as rejection (and then she handed me START WHERE YOU ARE by Pema Chodron and saved my life) and I see Clare doing there here, too, somewhat.  

I think that Clare is feeling wounded by a few of the men and she perceives Dale as her supportive, safe place to land, and all of the other guys are just collateral damage. 

Of course, there IS no dinner after all.  Poor Fart Box gets cleaned up and then sits there waiting for Clare to arrive for diner, but Chris Harrison shows up and sends him home instead.  Again, UNPRECEDENTED.  I don't think that Chris has EVER doing the sending home in this way.  I would think that it's a breach of contract, to be specific.  And that leads me to the end of this show/season: I think the issue ends up being that by disregarding the other men and not participating in many dates and such, Clare is breaching her contract with ABC.  And my hunch is that while she WANTS to simply be with Dale, she ends up being upset when Chris Harrison/the Producers are like, "we cannot continue this season and you are breaching your contract."  

The back half of this episode features a Bachelorette Roast (with guest star Margaret Cho who RULES) during which, every guy GOES IN ON Dale (who is in the audience since they are all trapped in this bonkers hellscape resort) but no one goes in harder than Old Timey Oil Baron, Bennett.  Bennett KILLED me here!  Way to go, dude.  You're more than just a Harvard jag! 

In a move that we standups call "every bachelorette party who shows up at a comedy show," Clare insists that she wants the guys to "come at me with some good material" then leaves the show practically in tears.  She feels defensive for Dale over all those roast jokes and then refers to him as her "fiancee" to Producers and I thiiiiink we're done here.  During the afterparty, Clare spends the entire night asking each non-Dale guy what they think of Dale and the guys are finally seeing the writing on the wall and are understandably pissed.  Well, everyone sees it except for Bennett who talks to Boy Band Manager Kenny (does Kenny own a single shirt that isn't open to his belly button??) and he insists that, "No, no, Clare is open to us!  She has an open heart."  Oh Bennett--you're that classic dude who is book smart but real world DUMB.  Not everything is a theoretical construct to be studied abstractly--some things are FELT and just perceived, if you have the skills to do so.  

Clare and her yellow, sparkly dress sit there among the guys and she clutches the date rose at a bizarrely high height (eye line for the camera I guess?), but Clare opts NOT TO GIVE IT TO ANY OF THEM, saying that they didn't give her QUITE what she needed that night and PLEASE JUST MAKE IT STOP!! My heart is breaking for ALL of these guys, even dolt Bennett!! 

In a clip that will be used for generations to come as an example of the extreme danger of excessive self-love, Clare then does a talking head clip in which she PRESENTS THE ROSE TO HERSELF and is proud of herself for loving herself or not accepting bad treatment or some other such slight that she has convinced herself is happening, even though every guy there WANTED to treat her right and be with her, but she wouldn't let them.  It's a fascinating thing to watch, the way that people craft a narrative for who they are and how they get treated, and process every moment or interaction through that lens.  Perception is reality, baby, and if you are convinced that every guy is no good and doing you wrong, then, well, every guy will be no good and do you wrong.  

Next Tuesday, the shit goes down on The Bachelorette (to say nothing of the Presidential election) and I won't be watching until Wednesday because my BF and I are going out for his birthday that Tue.  My BF is the Dale to my Clare, ya know?  Hahaha what a bad metaphor!  

So the episode ends with Chris Harrison telling Clare that she blew up The Bachelorette, Clare being kicked out of the resort (it seems?), and Bachelor all-star knockout rad chick TAYSHIA springing out of a pool in a bikini!!! 

THIS IS THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON EVER!!

Wednesday, October 21, 2020

Bachelorette Clare Ep 2: Too Much Too Soon!

Hello, lovebugs! 

I'm back but late with this recap.  But what is "late" really? I write these for fun! There's no deadline! 

OK anyhoo. Last night's episode of The Bachelorette was... very intense.  We are only on WEEK 2 and already, Clare is trying to dig up HEAVY duty childhood trauma out of Jason (poor guy), encouraging competitiveness among the men, and processing a lot of her own issues on TV.  I don't think all of this is BAD, per se, it's just intense and somewhat unprecedented. 

Clare and the Boyz are at their resort in Palm Springs and most of the date and challenges take place during the nighttime, I imagine, because it's just so damn hot and bright out there in the daytime. I give the Producers a lot of credit--they are somewhat limited in date activities because of the pandemic, and they get creative with the spaces they have.  

The first date is a group date and the crew is Riley (yes!), Jordan, Yosef (woof), Ivan (cute), Ben (also cute), Bennett (50-something oil baron posing as a single, 30-something), Zach C (is growing on me somehow?), Zach J (Fart Ring), and Dale (of course).  The date is all about Love Languages, so the boys and Clare (who is in heels and shorts which is a CLUTCH look) say words of affirmation, explore physical touch, and gifts. Not a bad afternoon! 

Clare is thrilled to hear all of these kind words from the guys (she stands on a bizarro indoor Juliet balcony and they compliment her from below which was odd) but the whole exercise felt like "too much too soon" which I suppose is a theme for this entire season.  

The funniest scene of the show had to be when the group date guys BOLTED back to their rooms to get gifts for Clare and the rest of the crew playfully mocked them from the pool.  Dale's pants ripped, Bennett got made fun of, Garin imitated a funny walk, and Easy makes everything so much fun. 

At the Love Language Group Date afterparty, Clare was rocking a blue, one strap dress with an exposed zipper in the back and what is it about an exposed zipper!? I love them so! She did the classic Bachelorette arrival, plop down among the guys, have a toast, talk about the day, and then everyone sort of sat there until she PRODDED one of the guys to grab her and take her away for 1:1 conversation.  Of all people, Old Timey Tycoon BENNETT stepped up to the plate (God bless) and they walked away, but after just a few moments, Clare asked him to sit tight so that she could go back to the crew and dress them down for not grabbing her!! GIRL!  What is going on here?  This is NOT a good look and here are my thoughts: 

1. This show JUST started. This was group date #1 and I think these guys aren't fully into "man against man" stuff right now. They are all psyched to be AMONG OTHER GUY after weeks and weeks of quarantining. Don't take it personally if they aren't stabbing one another in the back just yet! 

2. When you talk about how awkward things are, you make them more awkward, Clare. Instead of being like, "is someone going to grab me?" you could have kept a group conversation going, asked some questions to the guys. 

3. That whole incident made Clare seem difficult and a lil dramatic, to be honest. And I hate to say that b/c I really dig her, but I think she should let the guys dive in when they feel comfortable pulling her aside. No guy wants to be TOLD "come after me," ya know? 

So she yells at the guys and then gets her wish (Dale whisks her away for 1:1 make-out time) and POOR BENNETT!! Is the dude sitting on a couch somewhere being like, "is Clare coming back?" hahhahah! What a mess. 

Oh, before Dale takes her away, some of the guys chime in and Yosef (who sucks) says that Clare is "crazy to think" that they aren't into her. Pro Tip, Yosef: don't call a woman crazy. Calling women "crazy" or "psycho" is the most favorite move of awful men. Avoid it. And don't "speak for the group" either. 

Oh also, Clare talks about how she went on Juan Pablo's season of The Bachelor to escape an abusive relationship and that in telling off Juan Pablo at the end of that nightmarish season (nightmarish because Juan Pablo SUUUUUCKS), she found herself.  She and Riley have a super cute dance and he lands the group date rose. 

The next day is the first 1:1 and Jason is the man of the hour. He's the dude who wore a fake pregnancy stomach on the first night and who has an "exotic" Long Island/New Hampshire accent, whatever that is.  She asks him to write a letter to his younger self before their FIRST DATE and HOLY MOLY what is going on here!?! I am a BIG fan of therapy and have processed a lot of shame, trauma, life stuff with 3 different therapists over the years, but I do NOT think that a FIRST DATE is the time to dive into family issues, trauma, and shame. And definitely not a first date that is ON TELEVISION. Yiiii.  Jason handled everything beautifully, though, rolling with the punches of the date and being vulnerable.  Bravo, Jason!  I hope your parents don't disown you after you told all of America that their marriage is NOT healthy and that you sleep around to avoid vulnerability! 

The Forced Intimacy In Joshua Tree tour wraps up with Clare BURNING the dress that she wore when Juan Pablo sent her home from his season of The Bachelor 6 years ago and I can see why this is cathartic for Clare, but why is Jason even present for this!? So much of this date felt like closure exercises FOR CLARE. For his evening spent screaming into the void in Joshua Tree National Park, Jason got a rose. 

The next day is a Strip Dodgeball game group date and COULD SOMEONE PLEASE GET SOME HEALTHY BOUNDARIES AROUND HERE? The whole thing was "sweaty fun" and by that I mean, "somewhat humiliating for everyone involved" and that includes the guys NOT on the date! When the blue team returned to the suite, defeated and holding their dicks, the rest of the guys had to sit with them and watch the throw pillows get covered in dick sweat. What is going on here!? 

Meanwhile the red team gets quality time with Clare, during which Chasen convinces me that he's a martian. He refers to himself in high school as a "hermit crab" and then says that he has "the goosebumps." Dude, the saying is a "hermit" and "goosebumps" (no THE). Are you an alien? 

Blake has finally stopped holding his dick long enough to shower, get dressed, comb his too-long beard, and show up at the afterparty that he's not invited to. Showing up at a party you weren't invited to? What are you, ME and SUZANNE during high school summers at backyard parties throughout Wayland??? ZIIIING US!! When you're hot, they let you do it! Wheeeee!!! Blake pisses off the dudes WHO ACTUALLY WON, get negged by Clare, and wanders off. 

Brandon, the bland but traditionally hot dude from Cleveland OH, attempts to talk to Clare but his claims that he went on the show "for her" ring false when the ONLY thing he knows about her is that she's beautiful.  I understand Clare's annoyance at that, but AGAIN, it felt like she made a mountain out of a molehill and made shit weird by sending him home! I get that she doesn't want to waste time and she knows what she wants, but why not learn a bit more about him before you decide he sucks? I dunno. Chasen, the alien attempting to learn about Earthling culture, gets the rose and his alien overlords back on Mars must be THRILLED!! 

Back at the suite, Yosef is referring to a date he wasn't on as "classless" and saying that it "left a bad taste in my mouth" which is rich coming from a dude who was macking on Insta chicks mere weeks ago. Yosef seems like a profoundly angry person who was probably a total womanizer, louse in his younger days but NOW THAT HE HAS A DAUGHTER he is ALL righteousness, all the time.  Do you know the type of guy I mean?  I think he will show his entire ass next week (METAPHORICALLY) and try to age shame Clare. 

But before this episode can end with a cliffhanger, we have a cocktail party to start!  Blake has cut his beard somewhat, so he looks less Amish and more "I'm living in my van for a couple a weeks while I get some shit sorted" and Clare pulls him aside to give him a rose after negging him HARD a mere night before. Clare looks gorgeous, as usual, in a sparkly floor-length silver dress, big earrings, and cleavage for days.  

So now the men with roses are Chasen (alien here to gain data on humans), Jason (open wound of newfound vulnerability), Riley (Boys II Men superfan but if only the show had licensed their music), and Beard Boi Blake. 

Tragically, the episode ends there and leaves us wondering WHO screams at Clare about being the oldest Bachelorette ever (probably Yosef b/c he's unhappy with his life choices and he's wading through some major self hatred and projecting it onto the men and Clare), and who will be Clare's next candidate for fireside therapy! We'll find out next week as Palm Springs Therapy House continues!! 

Wednesday, October 14, 2020

Bachelorette Clare: Ep 1: Nasal Swabs + Bare Ankles

Pussycats! 

I just finished watching an episode of The Bachelorette and tweeting some tweets while drinking wine and laughing and for 2 hours, it almost felt as if we aren't living through a global pandemic!!  Life felt somewhat normal!  It wasn't a show filmed via Zoom!!  There was not a mask in sight!  I am truly FLOATING right now!  

Obviously, the current global pandemic was mentioned throughout the show and we watched these sweet guys quarantine solo in Palm Springs for 14 damn days, get Covid tested, and while away the boredom, but after that, it felt like any old Bachelorette season and I'm so glad. 

Speaking of "old," I am bracing myself for a season of ageism because Clare Crawley, the brave smoke show who will date 30+ men at one time while living in a Palm Springs bungalow (MY DREAM) is 39, so this is what Bachelor Nation meanies might call a "geriatric season." I, for one, am THRILLED to have a grown woman in the driver's seat: she has been around the block with this franchise (Juan Pablo's season, 2 season of Bachelor In Paradise), has a fantastic career as a colorist, has gobs of friends and interests, and truly wants love and marriage soon.  YES!  

Clare moves to Pam Springs, has a few Covid tests and isolation time, and before we know it, she is all dressed up and chatting with Chris Harrison in a candle-filled room just before the 1st night. WE ARE BACK, BABY! 

Real quick: I LOVED Clare's look. Gunmetal is one of my favorite dress colors and the reflective, textured beads at the top which faded down to a filmy bottom with a slit up the side--it was dreamy. 


I loved this conversation: they spoke candidly about who she was when she dated infamous Bachelor cad Juan Pablo, how she has grown, the hardships she has faced and her ability to stay hopeful through it all.  She reveals that when she joined the cast of The Bachelor that first go-round, she had just left an abusive relationship. Chris asks if Clare has anything to say to that young girl getting out of the limo to meet Juan Pablo all those years ago and she says, "I'm proud of you for trying again." I LOVE THIS. I suspect this overarching theme will be beaten like a dead horse this season, but for now I really love the spirit of finding PRIDE in taking some licks, having some disappointments, and showing up anyway. It reminded me of 2003 when I lived in Chicago and worked as a paralegal at a law firm where my attorney would scream swears at me throughout the day. I was broke, young, depressed, and literally AFRAID of this attorney.  I'd cry in the bathroom at work at least 1x/day but every day, I showed up. My parents were so proud of me--they knew that I was going through an awful situation and the job was such an abusive place, but that I showed up. In retrospect, this is a story about workplace abuse and I HAD to show up b/c I was broke as HELL which is a sad state of events, BUT THE POINT IS: there's power in showing up.  Clare's "showing up" is like previous Bachelorette Rachel's "keeping it 100." I love pithy, motivational phrases! 

Let's get down to the dudes and the DRAMZ! 

We had immediate drama between Tyler C. (dude who rolled up in a station wagon saying he wants to fill up the station wagon with kids which is sweet, I guess, but felt a little Try-Hard for my taste) and Yosef (who mentioned that he has a daughter and it has given him a better perspective on/more tenderness for women which is a RED FLAG that stupid, bad guys always think is smart thing to say).  Tyler should have held his tongue about this situation until later in the season. And what even WAS the thing he was talking about? Yosef reached out to a girl Tyler knows and sent a video that was friendly but a cheesedick move b/c it seemed like a mass text video? And this video was sent recently, so it seems like Yosef isn't "here for the right reasons" (copyright Bachelor Nation)?  Either way, in a situation like this, the 'ole "whoever smelt it, dealt it" rule usually applies which is that whoever introduces the tension/drama (Tyler) is somehow blamed for it and sent home. And so it went! Let this be a lesson to you would-be Bach contestants at home!! 

Clare has some HOTTIES in the mix, and strangely, 2 different guys named Blake M. which feels like a joke written by a statistician.  Truly, what are the chances?  In the mix, she has quite a few former pro football players (ummm hi), some SUPER chic, tailored suits, and we saw SO many bare ankles! I was LOVING these lewks! 

The entrances were the usual mix of straightforward dudes coming out of limos like a damn clown car of hotties, plus some fun ones: Eazy jumped through a "Your Future Husband" sign which was so cute and hilarious and I adore him already; Jay a Fitness Instructor wore a straighjacket to show that he's "crazy about Clare (woof) and KEPT IT ON THE ENITRE NIGHT LIKE A COMPLETE... well... crazy person. Props to you for staying SO on-brand, Jay! Bennett (who mentioned that he's a Harvard grad within his first 30 seconds on-screen) rolled up in a Rolls Royce wearing a long, white scarf with a suit that is popular with old timey titans of industry.  

Before I tally off who be remaining in the Bachelor Bubble and who was sent home to quarantine for another however-many months then move to Nashville, TN, as every Bach reject is required to do, let's talk about timing. 

From articles I have read online, it seems as if they started filming the show in SOME way before they had to halt production because of Covid. Had Clare met a bunch of the guys? Had they already done first-night arrivals at the old Bachelor mansion? But wait, wasn't the old Bachelor mansion burned in the California wildfires!?!? I cannot keep up with the twists and turns! 

But here is my theory: they had started filming and maybe even gotten through a few days worth, then had to halt. I suspect that Clare had really connected with Dale and Blake Moynes already, based on her interaction with them this go-round.  They halted for a while but then came up with the Palm Springs, 2-weeks-isolation plan and not every guy who had started could make it back to California. SO, rather than attempt to cobble together a Frankenstein version of a season or a cast, they asked anyone from Cast #1 to just launch into the Palm Springs filming as if it was THE FIRST TIME!! Just act as if you have never met Clare, start fresh, and THIS is the season.  Is my theory insane?  I just feel like with a few of the guys tonight, there was a familiarity already. Blake messaged her on FB during quarantine (even though it was against the rules) and I just wonder, would he have done that if he didn't know her AT ALL yet? Also her conversation with Dale felt VERY familiar. Dale seemed to be asking about Clare's mother but he already knew about her, ya know? Anyway--that is my theory but I don't think that ABC or Bachelor producers would want to reveal THAT much of a "behind-the-curtain" breakdown, ya know? So everyone just acts like they are meeting for the first time! 

OK so who was given a rose and who spent 2 weeks in a Palm Springs motel room for no reason? The 1st impression rose was given to Dale (SEE MY THEORY ABOVE) and then the flowers were doled out as follows: 

-Blake Moynes: The guy who messaged her illegally and who I'm convinced was part of Ghost Season Never To Be Discussed. Dude has an Amish looking beard thing going on, but that's not awful?

-Eazy: I LOVE this guy. His pink, 3-piece suit was a bold and sexy choice, his body is fantastic, and he seems extremely real, self-effacing, cool.  I hope he goes far. 

-Ben: Forgettable white guy who was 1st out of the limo and they took a breath together. Fine, I guess. 

-Riley: I don't recall much about him except a grey suit.

-Zach J: Or as I call him "butt thing in a box." When he first met Clare, he got down on one knee and held up a ring box that, upon opening, reveals a tiny ceramic butt and fart noises. Dude, grow up. I know that you think this is funny and memorable and I guess it IS memorable, but it's just too crass for my taste. I could get on board with a ceramic butt in a ring box (don't ask), but the fart noise is just GROSS. She seems to like 'ole Butt Thing In a Box, though! 

-Tyler S: My notes say "nerdy looking white dude." 

-Joe: Bowtie-wearing origami maker who seems very fun and silly and sweet. Thumbs up. 

-Jason: Dude who explained his accent as though he was from some far-off, exotic land and not LONG ISLAND. Has Clare seriously never met a guy from Long Island? Could be. He's energetic and fun, though, so I give him credit. 

-Demar: A handsome, warm guy who ONLY had their straight-outta-the-limo interaction so I'm impressed he's still here! Dude makes a great first impression! 

-Jason: Dude in a striped tie who arrived via giant bubble ball. I wish I were kidding. 

-Jordan C: glasses, no drama. 

-Blake Menard: The 2nd Blake M. of the show and I can't believe both Blakes are like, "sure--I guess on this trash TV show I will go by MY FULL NAME. Want my Soc Security to post in the lower 3rd, too?" Ha! Guy was in a black shirt, black tie, and was SHOWING CHEST like woa. 

-Ken: Boy Band Manager who has TALL hair and, well, looks like a Boy Band Manager. If I were him, I'd say that I'm just a "Band Manager" so people might mistakenly think I'm cool. 

-Brandon: Roof Contractor from Mass who won't be around long, but I'm pulling for him because he's a Masshole and so am I. 

-Garit: Red, 3 piece suit sweetheart. He brought a drawing of Clare made by his niece and won my heart. I hope he goes far! 

-Ed: Guido-style dude who is husky and sweaty and if Selena Circa 2006 were The Bachelorette, this guy would have won on night 1. I KNOW! My taste has matured and so have I! 

-Bennett: I hate to hate someone solely because he's a Wealth Manager who went to Harvard, but it just comes so naturally! On Twitter last night, my old high school pal Jimbo (a Harvard alum) informed me that in the world of finance/being rich, apparently Wealth Managers are a JOKE, which made me laugh. I doubt Bennett will be around too long. 

-Zach C: Light grey suit, sweet guy. Sometimes my notes are useless. 

-Jay: Straightjacket guy!! I wish she had sent him home because watching a guy cry during his exit interview in a straightjacket is just AMAZING TELEVISION!  Check him out serving creepy lewks: 


-Brandon: conventionally attractive guy with a strong jawline, nice suit. Hot Boring. 

-Ivan: cutie who made a wonderful first impression by quoting his mother. 

-Yosef: Ugh. So I guess we have found the Parian of the season, or at least the house shit-stirrer. I can't wait to hear more about how he respects women now that he financially supports one! 

So who went home? 

-Jeremy: banker from DC who seemed VERY earnest and sweet. 

-Page: guy with strange facial hair and SO MANY TATTOOS which I can dig but combined with his frame and facial hair, it felt very Carnival Worker. 

-Tyler: dude who introduced the drama with Yosef. Sorry, man. "When you point out drama in someone else, you have 3 fingers pointing back at YOU and saying that YOU are drama" as the old saying goes. 

-AJ: Software salesman who wore a red suit and made Clare twirl as soon as he met her, then gripped her hands so hard that she writhed in pain. He gave me REAL Mystery (the Pick Up Artist) vibes. He said that his friends joke that he makes a bad first impression and WOW his friends are right! 

-Chasen: walked up in a suit of armor and a layer of sweat. It's Palm Springs, man! This place is HOT! 

-Jordan M: What a loss! This dude rocked a perfectly-tailored, blue suit and was showing ankles for DAYS! He seemed really lovely and I'm disappointed he didn't go farther. 

A few others may have gotten the boot (the dude who brought her cute sandals? Maybe a few other Insurance Brokers from UT or FL?) but it's hard to keep track.  And I'm out of practice with these recaps, pussycats! 

This looks like it will be a drama-filled season and not a standard-length season, either. We shall see. I'm just excited to feel a bit normal for 2 hours on Tuesday (or Monday?) nights. What are your thoughts, dear readers?