Last night I sat in the piping hot living room of my fourth floor walk-up apartment and endured FOUR HOURS of Bachelor In Paradise, as both a test of endurance and to prove my love to you.
Where do I begin? How do I express 240 minutes of STD Shack without unspooling a tawdry tome from my dome piece? Bullets. It's all I can do. Here we go, 4 hours of BinP, bullet style:
-Graham is sweating like Matty McConaughey in "A Time To Kill" but he accepts the rose from AshLee anyway. Dude, your BODY is saying no but your mind is saying yes (or some other such R. Kelly lyric).
-Lacey then has to puke and complains of cramps, which her loverly Marcus refers to as "terrifying" but guy, it's called having your PERIOD. She gets taken away in an ambulance and hospitalized for bad cramps. (Usually I just eat Congo Bars and get weepy in public, but hey, she's in PARADISE!)
-Finally, more roses are given out and the result is that Kalon and Marquel are going home. Two completely opposite guys in that Kalon is universally reviled by all other contestants and Marquel makes friends everywhere he goes.
-Was Marcus friggin' serious when he was IN the hospital bed with Lacey and spooning her as her vitals were taken? I wish that a surly nurse had yelled at him to get out of the patient's bed.
-Christy arrives (a forgettable blonde from Juan Pablo's season whose accent reveals that she must have grown up either in a Denny's parking lot in Illinois or a Denny's parking lot in Syracuse, NY) and she has a date card! She wants to ask Zack but he says no out of respect for Clare (good call) so she asks Jesse and stumbles upon a nightmare cause that kid SUUUUUUUUX.
-Sarah and Robert go on a date and after they awkwardly bonk heads, they finally bonk mouths.
-Macklemore on Roids (Cody) is so intense with Michelle! He wants to talk about their future and she wants to take about quad size.
-Zack and Clare discuss their relationship and Clare wisely says that there's no "figuring it out" and "either you're into it or you're not into it" then opts to leave paradise. She rules. I just wish she had left without even saying goodbye to Zack--now THAT would have been a cool way to exit. She'd be a Mexican girl giving an Irish goodbye!
-We're down to 6 girls, 6 guys when who romps down the beach by LUCY, the "free spirit" trust fund kid who can afford to do whatever she wants in this life! Lucy's still Lucy--overexcited, lil bit kookoo, and unable to control her body. Also, she lives by the mantra "TITS OUT!"
-Lucy and Jesse go on a date to some ruins and Christy is upset because Lucy is her BFF and Jesse is her crush. I got news for ya, Christy, THEY'RE BOTH TERRIBLE.
-Michelle and Cody's date is to go swimming while fully dressed in wedding attire. Is this Bachelor in Paradise or a lifeguard test on Lake Winnepausauke? MAKE THE JEANS INTO A FLOTATION DEVICE!
-AshLee and Graham went on a date to a race track because Graham can't figure out how to get away from a girl who he isn't even officially dating.
-Marcus dropped the L bomb on Lacey. ("They'll make tan babies" -Sarah saying the greatest thing ever).
-Did Lucy, Christy, and Jesse have a 3some? Did they all fall in love because they share a hard "e" pronunciation in their first names? Probsies.
-Rose ceremony ensues and Lucy gets dropped like a free spirit who's actually wildly annoying and not "free spirited" at all. (Yes, that's a smilie made from the thing the simile is about--META! LAZY!)
OK, HOUR #3 IS UNFOLDING. Chug some Gatorade cause these kids aint done falling in and out of love while sandy.
-Brooks arrives and for whatever reason, some girls are excited. He was in the top 3 during Desiree's season (my recap of his final episode here) and he's known for being disinterested in everything and speaking in a whisper--WHAT A CATCH! Sarah digs him and Brooks seems to dig her, but Robert refers to Sarah as his "bae" and commands Brooks to back off. Hot move by Robert, but when did everyone starting calling everyone "bae"? It's friggin' everywhere and I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.
-What was with all the ladies wearing boho/hippie/Coachella style headbands? It's a cute look but man that trend rocked their house like a summertime storm.
-Tasos appears (guy from Andi's season whose exit never aired because it was in the episode when the rich adventurer guy died) and asks Christy on a date. Christy seems to have grown some self-esteem post-Jesse and they have a lovely time. Did Tasos become TEN times hotter since we last saw him? On The Bachelorette I wasn't really a fan of his, but now I am.
-Zack's jealous of Jaki and Brook's flirtation, but then he scores a date card and gets some hot & heavy cave time with Jaki. That girl must be a former gymnast because she has got some killer muscle tone that didn't show up yesterday, ya know?
-It's cocktail party time and there are 8 guys, 6 women, so 2 men are getting the Heisman and a 1 way ticket back to Normal Life, USA. Based on the couples in paradise, it's Brooks, Zack, Tasos, and Jesse who are on the line.
-Zack and Brooks are both courting Jaki hard, but Brooks was mistakenly told that women love it when guys give them manicures. Bad news, Brooks: a guy who can do a mani and speaks in a whisper is NOT a guy who anybody likes.
-Jesse is a sweaty, drunk sociopath who hunts down "dumb blonde" Christy (his words) then tries to manipulate her into feeling like she iced him out and he feels rejected. Oh man I wish somebody would take Jesse around back and pummel him.
-Michelle Money looked like a take-no-shit brothel owner and also acted like it, which I loved. Watching those 3 ladies light into Jesse was the best thing I've seen since Emily Maynard told Kalon to "get the F out."
-Dressed like a boat captain, Jesse decides to leave "ON HIS OWN TERMS" (if you know my standup, that will mean something) rather than suffer the indignity of a rose ceremony. As we say in Kickassachusetts, what a friggin' pussy. Although I gotta admit I LOVED listening to him wax poetic about all the best buddies he just made and all the plans they'd have post-show. Everybody hates ya, kid.
Finally, it's rose ceremony time and who chose who?
-Lacey gave a rose to Marcus (holy 80s prom pastels, Lacey!)
-AshLee grave a rose to Graham (cool cropped top, but not as cool as her CASINO style look from the rose ceremony 2 hours back... seems like just yesterday, huh?)
-Sarah gave a rose to Robert (and rocked a KILLER flamenco style top!)
-Michelle gave a rose to Cody (crazy updo, feather earrings, backless shirt--there was so much going on here!)
-Christy gave a rose to Tasos (while rocking a purple romper and finally loving herself!)
-Jaki gave a rose to Zack (love the braid and dark lip combo)
So Brooks is taking his effeminate gait and whispering voice back to Utah.
Chris Harrison then appeared from the wings to inform these 6 couples that tomorrow EVERYTHING CHANGES!
Is he serious, or are they belatedly promoting a Matthew Sweet song? WE WILL NEVER KNOW! (Well, not until Monday.)