Bachelor Arie: Krystal Starts to Crack, Baby Rizzo Reveals Herself

Hey hey hey, pussycats!

I'm coming to you now from my couch where I'm chomping on a popsicle and trying to resist the magnetic pull of the bottle of red wine that's staring at me from atop my refrigerator. Dry January is going great!  Thankfully, The Bachelor is scratching my itch for watching the ramifications of bad decisions unfold (though I'm jealous of all their bubbly and wine drinking).

We start off inside the STD Shack (Bachelor Mansion) where 15 ladies are informed that they are LEAVING LOS ANGLES to head to south Lake Tahoe, Nevada! I'll admit that I said, out loud, to my sweet roommate, "I bet they don't even know what state Lake Tahoe is in" before I admitted that I didn't, either. Turns out, NEVADA!! (Though apparently part of it is in California, also.) I TRULY mean it when I say the The Bachelor franchise has taught me so much about geography (... and myself).

Nothing says "sexy time romance" quite like acres of pine trees, am I right? The ladies explore their woodsy cabin lodge and quirky Kendall is thrilled that it's filled with taxidermy.

Yale alumna, Sienne, is dressed in a white top, snug blue jeans, her hair down, and she's READY for 1:1 date action.  Like a concerned camp counselor, Arie asks her if she "packed enough warm clothes" and they're off! The hop in an open top Jeep that looks like a classic Ford Bronco (or something) and hit the road. I'll admit that as they cruised off in that sweet truck, it made me almost like Arie for a split second there.  WOW. I'm amazed that producers could EVER get me to not loathe him.

They drive to the lake where they board a boat and go parasailing, which we soon learn is a LOT like falling in love, in that it involves trust, pushing yourself outside your comfort zone, and maybe shitting yourself out from fear.

Meanwhile, back at the Lady Lodge, evil producers have given the gals binoculars so that they can watch it all go down on the lake like a 14 girl crew of stalkers. Note that during all of this, whisper-baby-talk-Krystal openly hopes that Sienne gets sent home. I cannot WAIT for the "Women Tell All" episode!!

Arie and Sienne take off their crotch harnesses (not a joke--when parasailling, your genitals MUST be wrapped in seatbelts for safety) and sit on a beach sipping champagne and talking about how often Arie sees his parents (every other day) and how embarrassing it must have been for Arie to watch his younger brother get married first (HA! OUCH!). Arie says he's impressed with Sienne because she's smart, well-traveled, and a damn good kisser. God I hate it when he earns his dweeb assed nickname (Kissing Bandit).

That evening, Maquel gets a call that her grandfather died very unexpectedly and suddenly, so she packs up and leaves. Some girls think she'll return, but really? Really? If she does, she'll DEFINITELY say she returned because her deceased grandfather would have WANTED her to go on network TV in order to find love with a 36-year-old race car driver turned realtor nicknamed "The Kissing Bandit" but some and "Pasty Snooze" but others. Her grandpa LOVED that kind of thing!! Mark my words!!

As Maquel flies back to Utah (not too far at all), Sienne and Arie go into the Hard Rock Cafe Casino (how amazing must it be to see outside humans, ya know? They are living like friggin' kidnapping victims!) and sit down for a dinner of white wine for her, red wine for him. That is MY kind of dinner!  Oh Sauvey Blanc, when will I get you back in my liiiiiife!??!?!? Sienna looks gorgeous--light pink sorta wrap-ish dress, delicate jewelry, black leather jacket. Arie's too casual in a plaid shirt, but also, he's not working with much, at all, ever, so whatcha gonna do?

Sienne shares that her parents' marriage was somewhat chaotic, especially in her teen years, and that she doesn't often see representations of people who look like her in romantic, happily-ever-after stories. Wow. I'm glad she said that, producers kept it in, and Arie echoed it.  Representation is so important and anyone who says different probably grew up with the luxury of seeing representations of themselves in positions of power, positions of privilege, their whole damn lives. Sienna's feelings of outsider-ness really resonated with me and many Bach heads, I'm sure.

Arie hands her the rose, explaining that he already felt a familiarity with her when they met, that she's a strong woman who impresses him, and that the date isn't over!  He has one trick up his sleeve and by that he means that Bachelor producers have a connection to a D list, Top 40, bro country band and that band needs press!  Arie and Sienne walk into a theater where LANCO is performing (who? I know) a song that I'm ashamed I have heard on New York's country station, 94.7 and there is a BIG crowd there, but conveniently a platform on which Arie and Sienne can dance, kiss, and perform their love for a crowd of creepy onlookers. I get dumb chills from watching this, but my new, young roommate calls it "secondhand embarrassment" so I can only assume that ALL millennials use that phrase when they're snap chatting their avocado toast while tanking the economy or whatever. Perhaps we should confirm my assumptions with Bekah (GET IT!?!? MILLENNIAL JOKE ABOUT BABY RIZZO! More of those coming soon!).

The next day it's a group date for the 13 girls who aren't Sienne or Bekah (on that's right---Bekah will get a 1:1 and you haven't seen her this happy since she learned how to ride a bike last week).  The group date gals are all done up in their best sexy winter looks. Looks that scream, "yeah these are hiking boots but these leggings are like sausage casings and isn't this scarf jaunty? It does NOTHING to keep me warm but looks delightfully seasonal." When Arie meets up with the Winter Beauties, he addresses Maquel's depature, saying, "I'm really appreciative of your guyses time" when he could have just said, "I'm really appreciative of your time" but who cares? Our damn President can barely string 3 words together--let it rip!

The group goes on a "hike" that lasts roughly 60 seconds (my kind of hike) and meet up with a married couple who are experts in wilderness survival--he's Mykel Hawke (is that a stage name? Or rather, a woods name?), a former Green Beret commander and his wife is British! They talk about the dangerous of black bears (who invited Betsy DeVos?), survival, and RECYCLING URINE aka DRINKING YOUR OWN PEE!!! Yezzzzz!!  Hahah. I love euphemisms for stuff.  "Recycling Urine"--oh you mean recycling it from my own vag into my own mouth! Goodness gracious this recap is off the rails.

Each participant is handed a bottle, told to go pee into it, and then assembled to watch Arie drink his pee first. NONE OF THIS IS A JOKE. This all occurred on ABC in primetime. Arie "sips his pee" then spits it out, then reveals that it was apple juice JUST as Jacqueline (a girl who has hardly said anything and made ZERO impression on Bachelor Nation) is about to drink hers! Then we cut to a shot of blonde Jenna saying, "I would drink my pee for Arie--I would do anything." Oh Jenna, please never change.

Please take this pee conversation opportunity to watch a hilarious video created by my brother-in-law, Bobby Mort, that leads a candid conversation about America's favorite pasttime: drinking its own pee.



After The PeePee Tape (JK but I literally pray to God that President Trump's Pee Tape gets released--you KNOW that Mueller has a copy), the gang has an opportunity to eat WORMS and Tia and Kendall are FIRED UP! Kendall, as you may recall, was on an episode of Fear Factor that involved eating bugs, so this is old hat.  Krystal is horrified by all of it, as was I, though I am NOT on Team Krystal anymore.

Krystal is deep in denial and projecting HARD, as she rails against the other women, saying that they are desperate and insecure and don't know who they are. In fact, Krystal is feeling insecure and a bit unmoored and rather than handle those feelings of jealousy and insecurity in a healthy way, by looking within or sitting with them or taking ownership of these feelings, Krystal lashes out at the other women. Girl, read a self help book and get a clue.

As if bug eating and (fake) pee drinking weren't "nature date-y" enough, now the crew is split up into 3 teams, given heavy backpacks and maps, and cast out into the wilderness to find their way to a destination where there is a hot tub and bubbly.  What better carrot to dangle in front of a bevy of Bachelor babes!?

The blue team gets Arie and gets to the cabin/oasis first.  The grey team gets completely lost, and the red team is off the rails (this is when Chelsea spots Marikh allegedly using the compass as a reflective surface to check her hair and I would have done the same thing! Well, I mean, it was snowing and that would RUIN my curls, so I would definitely have them up and protected--as Ashley did--not down and losing body, as Marikh did).  Finally, everyone assembles at the hot tub where they drink bubbly, canoodle, and crack jokes (at least Tia and Caroline do, and Krystal is too paranoid and insecure to get it).

Everyone gets dressed up for the afterparty, where Krystal continues to crack (GET IT!??!?) but says that everyone ELSE is spiraling and that it's "exhausting to watch." Sure, girl.

Arie and Lauren B. have a connection and chat by a fire and man, Lauren B. not only lacks personality, she has ZERO facial expressions.  It's bizarre.  Arie and Kendall have a nice 1:1 chat and my roommate Lola called it, saying, "Arie likes crazy" which I think is VERY true.

While the ladies get alone time with Arie, Krystal holds court on the couches, waxing poetic about how romance and dating works (Good Lord did anybody ask you, Krystal?) and talking about herself nonstop.

During Krystal's alone time with Arie she mostly says "like" and says that she has a target on her back because she and Arie have such a strong relationship and THAT is why the other girls don't like her. HA!! Keep telling yourself that, kiddo. Ummm--Bekah and Becca both have SERIOUS connexies with Arie and you don't see THEM being ostracized for being front runners. Krystal just keeps digging her own grave and preserving her legacy as the Courtney/Tierra/Vienna of this season.

Krystal pulls Tia and Caroline aside to confront them about "mocking" her at the hottub and Caroline shoots straight--they were being silly, it wasn't meant to be mean to Krystal--and she's telling the truth!  They were being goofy!  Get over yourself, Krystal.  Nonetheless, the interaction feels like blondes vs. brunettes, or rather, Krystal vs. everybody--ha!

Tia and Arie have alone time during which he furiously rubs her neck and clavicles and when she tells him that she gets scared that he has strong connections with other women, he reassures her by saying, "you just need to have some faith that I have a plan" and WOW I haven't  heard that type of talk since the last time I read THE BIBLE. Who are you, Arie, friggin' God? Is this a remake of that classic Young Adult book, "Are You There God, It's Me Margaret?" called "Are You There Arie God, It's Me Tia?" Well, apparently treating Arie like the creator of heaven and Earth pays off, as Tia scores the group date rose, much to Krystal's frustration (though she SMILES BIG through it all).

Finally it's time for Baby Rizzo and Arie's 1:1 date which will be horseback riding, more hot tub and bubbly time (what else does one do in Lake Tahoe?), and, finally, a dinner of wine.  Back at the house, we FINALLY get some sound bites from Jacqueline, who says that she, too, is an "experience junkie" (as is Bekah, apparently) and that Bekah should spend her 20s doing all sorts of things, not settling down and cranking out babies for a 36 year old guy whose new favorite hobby is going to bed early.

Finally, over "dinner," Bekah (dressed in yet another huge, fake fur worn off her shoulders and yet another mock turtleneck and giant hoops) revels her age: 22 to Arie's 36.  Arie is STUNNED and I'm sorta shocked at how shocked he is because she has always looked YOUNG.  I mean, sure, she looks like a young Stockard Channing playing the role of Rizzo in the masterpiece, GREASE, but she has always looked VERY young, she's a nanny, and she has avoided the age question repeatedly. Dude--how didn't you see this coming!?  Arie just keeps saying "you're so young!" and sort of pulling away and Bekah goes into survival mode, trying HARD to reel him back in with promises of adventure and "follow your heart" and "just have new experiences" and all that stuff that you believe when you're 22.

He has his fingers IN her hoops which really grosses me out.

He explains that he has been dumped on national TV before and this time, he's seeking a partner, a wife, a person with whom to build a family (you didn't think that I was going to throw a dangling preposition in there, did you?) and that is WHY he's here.  He explains that his biggest fear is that he'll go through this whole bizarro wife search situation and come to the end, and find himself alone again. She responds, "well would it be worth it if that did happen?" and he says, "No! Cause I need a wife!" Oh man he is dropping TRUTH BOMBS and I can dig it!  He says, "I'm not here for a 22 year old girlfriend, I'm here to find a wife" and YET he decides to keep her around.

WARNING: I AM ABOUT TO BE QUITE CRASS:

Arie says that he's now going to "guard his heart a little bit" (whatever that means) but I think we all know that he's keeping Bekah around until the Fantasy Suite so that he can hump down with this sexy youngster, then he will DROP HER after that. I think he's a FOOL to keep her there, since he is SO drawn to her and she is, essentially, a non-option as far as wife/kids pronto, but he's keeping her around to get laid.  I'm betting on it.

Finally it's time to prepare for the cocktail party/rose ceremony. Sienne, Tia, and Bekah M. already have roses, so they are chill as hell walking into this cocktail party.  Everyone else is sorta losing it. Everyone wants to talk to Arie, everyone seems to feel that they are misunderstood, there is tension in the house, and it's finally "really, really getting real--like, for real now, real real."

The ladies assemble and are all looking gorgeous--there's lots of sparkles, hair, lipstick. Kendall makes a hilarious point that Krystal talks as if she's reading from a self-help book and the Twee Taxidermist is RIGHT!!  Every time the ladies are assembled, Krystal is spouting off unsolicited advice about how you gotta "put yourself out there" and crap like that. The ladies all find her to be fake and two faced and it looks like next week (ROBE GATE), Arie is going to realize that.  But back to the cocktail party/rose ceremony....

Chris Harrison walks in like one of those "I'm here to ruin your life" GIFs that I would insert here if I understood technology at all and drops this bomb:

"There will be no cocktail party."

The ladies act as if Chris Harrison has just told them ALL of their respective homes have burned to the ground.  Also, yes, that bottom picture above is a still from my Instagram story. I live tweet as much as I can and also post Instagram stories because I live, eat, breathe BACH 24/7.  So be sure to follow me on twitter and Insta: both are @SelenaCoppock.

The freaked out ladies assemble in the rose ceremony room and Bekah is looking like a young Ms.  Hannigan with that silk dress plus fur off the shoulders thing. 

Hi, I'm Bekah and I'm ready for this rose ceremony to pop off!

Everyone is freaked out but, in classic Krystal fashion, only SHE feels like she deserves 1:1 time with Arie. Arie enters the rose ceremony room (THE CHAMBER), does a standard monologue about how hard it is to select a would-be wife from over a dozen knockouts who are more educated and better looking than he is.  Just as he is about to start doling out the flowers, Krystal interrupts him and asks if she can pull him away. She and Arie go sit on a bench and she says that the women in the house are making her feel insecure and she fears that she is putting up walls with HIM because of THEM and WOWIE ZOWIE Krystal doesn't take responsibility for ANYTHING, does she?  Whatever--she'll be gone next week.  They go back to the line-up so that Arie can make some ladies cry.  Who gets roses? 

-Lauren - blonde white lady in a navy dress. She seems a LIL boring but perhaps I am a monster who surrounds herself with wackadoos who have a TON of personality? [HIGH KICK]
-Kendall - blonde white girl who LOVES dead animals! She's in a hippie chick beaded black dress that I don't hate.
-Ashley - light skinned black girl who seems has kept a low profile, which I can dig, but that dress feels a lil too casual. Beauty is pain, my friend!
-Becca K. - brunette white woman in a greenish dress, hair half up/half down, looking great.
-Chelsea - white lady single mama who is ALL cheekbones atop a blue dress.
-Jenna - blonde white woman serving vintage Hollywood realness with that liquid liner cat eye and I LIKE it but I think that she has zero connection with Arie beyond straddling him for a make-out.
-Jacqueline - brunette white lady who spoke ONCE this season! She is a PRO at not embarrassing her family, I'll say that.
-Marikh - dark haired Indian girl in a black, one shoulder dress. During the credits we watch her confront Chelsea about "glam shaming" and it was HILARRRRZ.
-Krystal - blonde white lady KOOKOO BIRD who gets the last rose and this rose will be her last (see what I did there?).

So who is going home?
-Caroline - a beautiful former Miss Massachusetts (HELL YESSSS) who seems hilarious and cool and smart, so naturally Arie sent her packing. Very presciently, she said that Krystal is playing Arie like a fiddle and she will be proven right next week, I think! Although he'll quit playing the fiddle and this Americana folk music metaphor is getting MESSY.
-Brittany - a gorgeous black woman whose dress choices were ON POINT every time.

My heart breaks for Tia because she's losing her buddy Caroline, but I'm sure they'll stay in touch (and I'll be watching it on Instagram like a Bachelor superfan psychopath!).

Next week the gang heads to FLORIDA and it looks like single mom Chelsea is the mystery lady who straddles Arie on a moving jet ski. On episode 1 I made a joke about Arie being straddled on a moving jet ski is VERY Eastbound & Down and HOLY SHIT Arie being straddled on a moving jet ski BY A SINGLE MOTHER FROM A D LIST CITY is SOOOOO COMPLETELY EASTBOUND & DOWN I can't even believe it!!

Hello, loves!

Greetings!

After Kaitlyn's season of The Bachelorette wrapped up, I gave myself the summer off from recapping, though I've been turning into Bachelor In Paradise on occasion and tweeting.  I'm going to catch up on the last few episodes tonight and perhaps I'll write up a little recap and post here.

Overall it's been a lovely summer and I've enjoyed a lot of beach time, friend catch up time, fun shows, and random projects.  I just started a silly new twitter feed that's a parody version of the New York Times Weddings Section.  Check that out here and check out some lovely press that I got from TheFrisky here.

I'm fired up for the fall and eager to dive into some new projects with renewed focus.  I have a ton of awesome shows happening in September (check out the GIGS page) and as soon as ABC starts airing The Bachelor (with Ben "Endure My Blandness" Higgins at he helm) you better believe I'll be making jokes at his expense.

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Ep 9: That Dress, Though!

Amigos!

As always, I'm late with this post.  I'm currently in Springfrield, Missouri for my sweet grandmother's funeral, so that is why my recap is a bit delayed and it will be a quickie.

I did a video recap for AOL Rise on Monday night and you can watch it here.

My thoughts on Monday's episode in rapid-fire, bullet format:

-Ben H. looks like Peter Brady, sure (is that a good thing?) but I'm still surprised that he's a contender.  Their row boat ride gave me flashbacks to "The Notebook."
-When the date card arrived and Jared attempted to explain the REAL definition of "run amuck" to the guys, I was stunned.  He managed to hide it all season but in that moment we learned that he is an IDIOT with no idea what double meanings are! Bah!
-Hell yeah Kaitlyn for saying "I'm a grown woman, I can do what I want" and not coming off as regretful about HumpGate, but just thoughtful about the implications that it will have on her other relationships.  She is dealing with this whole situation brilliantly.
-Sweet Joe turned into Curt Joe the moment Kaitlyn dropped him and I can't say I blamed him.  Their relationship simply started too late, but that final scene was painful to watch.
-Shawn looks more and more like a knot with each passing episode.  I appreciate when he responded to HumpGate by needing time alone and then saying that he needs to "man up" and simply push forward and focus on HIS relationship with Kaitlyn, but was disappointed when he backpedaled from that and let his jealousy take over later in the episode.  Dude, run your own race.
-Can we talk about Kaitlyn's silver, mirror dress from that rose ceremony and how it was disco perfection?! I WANT THAT DRESS! Was Mirrorball a Sarah McLachlan album circa 2000-something, or Kaitlyn's dress from the rose ceremony when she sent Jared packing?

-Nice attempt at a power play during the rose ceremony, Shawn.  Blech.  Stop trying to have the upper hand by being sad that your GF slept with someone else and manipulating her emotions with your sadness.  Sack up and move on, or walk away.
-Jared's rejection: what a class act!  He holds it together, acts like a gentleman, and wishes her all the best.  I'd like to take breakup lessons from Jared.  Although, I think I handle them pretty well.  The last time I got dumped I just said "OK" and the conversation was over.  Who needs to talk it out?  I'm a WASP?  I'll drink a white wine spritzer through this heartbreak, thank you very much!
-Does Shawn do anything OTHER than brood and stare off?  Bicep curls, obviously, cause those tight henleys aint getting snug without some serious bicep curls and triceps kickbacks, but anything ELSE?
-Nick and Kaitlyn's fantasy suite dated looked like a really good time--those two crazy kids have great chemistry (sorry, Shawn).

Can't wait to watch Shawn and Nick argue about the fact that they hate each other next week! xoxo

I Endured 4 Hours of BinP

Beloved Readers!

Last night I sat in the piping hot living room of my fourth floor walk-up apartment and endured FOUR HOURS of Bachelor In Paradise, as both a test of endurance and to prove my love to you.



Where do I begin? How do I express 240 minutes of STD Shack without unspooling a tawdry tome from my dome piece?  Bullets.  It's all I can do.  Here we go, 4 hours of BinP, bullet style:

-Graham is sweating like Matty McConaughey in "A Time To Kill" but he accepts the rose from AshLee anyway. Dude, your BODY is saying no but your mind is saying yes (or some other such R. Kelly lyric).
-Lacey then has to puke and complains of cramps, which her loverly Marcus refers to as "terrifying" but guy, it's called having your PERIOD. She gets taken away in an ambulance and hospitalized for bad cramps. (Usually I just eat Congo Bars and get weepy in public, but hey, she's in PARADISE!)
-Finally, more roses are given out and the result is that Kalon and Marquel are going home. Two completely opposite guys in that Kalon is universally reviled by all other contestants and Marquel makes friends everywhere he goes.
-Was Marcus friggin' serious when he was IN the hospital bed with Lacey and spooning her as her vitals were taken? I wish that a surly nurse had yelled at him to get out of the patient's bed.
-Christy arrives (a forgettable blonde from Juan Pablo's season whose accent reveals that she must have grown up either in a Denny's parking lot in Illinois or a Denny's parking lot in Syracuse, NY) and she has a date card! She wants to ask Zack but he says no out of respect for Clare (good call) so she asks Jesse and stumbles upon a nightmare cause that kid SUUUUUUUUX.
-Sarah and Robert go on a date and after they awkwardly bonk heads, they finally bonk mouths.
-Macklemore on Roids (Cody) is so intense with Michelle! He wants to talk about their future and she wants to take about quad size.
-Zack and Clare discuss their relationship and Clare wisely says that there's no "figuring it out" and "either you're into it or you're not into it" then opts to leave paradise. She rules. I just wish she had left without even saying goodbye to Zack--now THAT would have been a cool way to exit. She'd be a Mexican girl giving an Irish goodbye!
-We're down to 6 girls, 6 guys when who romps down the beach by LUCY, the "free spirit" trust fund kid who can afford to do whatever she wants in this life! Lucy's still Lucy--overexcited, lil bit kookoo, and unable to control her body. Also, she lives by the mantra "TITS OUT!"
-Lucy and Jesse go on a date to some ruins and Christy is upset because Lucy is her BFF and Jesse is her crush. I got news for ya, Christy, THEY'RE BOTH TERRIBLE.
-Michelle and Cody's date is to go swimming while fully dressed in wedding attire. Is this Bachelor in Paradise or a lifeguard test on Lake Winnepausauke?  MAKE THE JEANS INTO A FLOTATION DEVICE!
-AshLee and Graham went on a date to a race track because Graham can't figure out how to get away from a girl who he isn't even officially dating.
-Marcus dropped the L bomb on Lacey. ("They'll make tan babies" -Sarah saying the greatest thing ever).
-Did Lucy, Christy, and Jesse have a 3some? Did they all fall in love because they share a hard "e" pronunciation in their first names? Probsies.
-Rose ceremony ensues and Lucy gets dropped like a free spirit who's actually wildly annoying and not "free spirited" at all. (Yes, that's a smilie made from the thing the simile is about--META! LAZY!)

OK, HOUR #3 IS UNFOLDING. Chug some Gatorade cause these kids aint done falling in and out of love while sandy.

-Brooks arrives and for whatever reason, some girls are excited. He was in the top 3 during Desiree's season (my recap of his final episode here) and he's known for being disinterested in everything and speaking in a whisper--WHAT A CATCH! Sarah digs him and Brooks seems to dig her, but Robert refers to Sarah as his "bae" and commands Brooks to back off. Hot move by Robert, but when did everyone starting calling everyone "bae"? It's friggin' everywhere and I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.
-What was with all the ladies wearing boho/hippie/Coachella style headbands? It's a cute look but man that trend rocked their house like a summertime storm.
-Tasos appears (guy from Andi's season whose exit never aired because it was in the episode when the rich adventurer guy died) and asks Christy on a date. Christy seems to have grown some self-esteem post-Jesse and they have a lovely time. Did Tasos become TEN times hotter since we last saw him? On The Bachelorette I wasn't really a fan of his, but now I am.
-Zack's jealous of Jaki and Brook's flirtation, but then he scores a date card and gets some hot & heavy cave time with Jaki. That girl must be a former gymnast because she has got some killer muscle tone that didn't show up yesterday, ya know?
-It's cocktail party time and there are 8 guys, 6 women, so 2 men are getting the Heisman and a 1 way ticket back to Normal Life, USA. Based on the couples in paradise, it's Brooks, Zack, Tasos, and Jesse who are on the line.
-Zack and Brooks are both courting Jaki hard, but Brooks was mistakenly told that women love it when guys give them manicures. Bad news, Brooks: a guy who can do a mani and speaks in a whisper is NOT a guy who anybody likes.
-Jesse is a sweaty, drunk sociopath who hunts down "dumb blonde" Christy (his words) then tries to manipulate her into feeling like she iced him out and he feels rejected. Oh man I wish somebody would take Jesse around back and pummel him.
-Michelle Money looked like a take-no-shit brothel owner and also acted like it, which I loved. Watching those 3 ladies light into Jesse was the best thing I've seen since Emily Maynard told Kalon to "get the F out."
-Dressed like a boat captain, Jesse decides to leave "ON HIS OWN TERMS" (if you know my standup, that will mean something) rather than suffer the indignity of a rose ceremony. As we say in Kickassachusetts, what a friggin' pussy. Although I gotta admit I LOVED listening to him wax poetic about all the best buddies he just made and all the plans they'd have post-show. Everybody hates ya, kid.

Finally, it's rose ceremony time and who chose who?
-Lacey gave a rose to Marcus (holy 80s prom pastels, Lacey!)
-AshLee grave a rose to Graham (cool cropped top, but not as cool as her CASINO style look from the rose ceremony 2 hours back... seems like just yesterday, huh?)
-Sarah gave a rose to Robert (and rocked a KILLER flamenco style top!)
-Michelle gave a rose to Cody (crazy updo, feather earrings, backless shirt--there was so much going on here!)
-Christy gave a rose to Tasos (while rocking a purple romper and finally loving herself!)
-Jaki gave a rose to Zack (love the braid and dark lip combo)
So Brooks is taking his effeminate gait and whispering voice back to Utah.
Chris Harrison then appeared from the wings to inform these 6 couples that tomorrow EVERYTHING CHANGES!
Is he serious, or are they belatedly promoting a Matthew Sweet song? WE WILL NEVER KNOW! (Well,  not until Monday.)

Bach in Paradise: OH THE DRAMA!

On Monday night, Bachelor In Paradise was back with part one of a two night saga of sand dunes and drama.  I tuned in 30 minutes late because I still can't quite figure out how to use my DVR (I'm like an technologically averse old man's brain trapped inside the body of a smoking hot fox) and because I was living my damn life (and in the immortal words of One Life To Live's opening credits, "we've only got one life to liiiiiiive," ya know?).  OK, so I watched STD Shack while the rest of the world watched Sophia Vergara spin like a pig on a spit during the Emmy Awards.  (It really IS a great time for women in television, Julianna Marguiles!)

When I tuned in, Cody (the artist formerly known as Macklemore on Roids from Andi's season) had just arrived in paradise and asked out his uber crush Clare. Clare turned him down in favor of seeing where it goes with Zack and after some back and forth, Zack and Clare seemed to get on the same page. They had a good conversation on some Mexican festive pillows, during which Clare rocked far too much blush, but phrased her position well, saying, "I'm not asking for marriage tomorrow." Nice work, girl. Also, how do you keep your teeth so impossibly white?  

Cody didn't want to ask a second runner up (smart move, gym rat), so he passed off his date card to Marcus so that Marcus and Lacy could go on the most snooze-worthy date of all time. 

Later that night we saw the arrival of Kalon, the preppy tool from Emily's season who was booted for referring to Emily's daughter as "baggage" and who talks about being extremely wealthy much more than anyone who is actually extremely wealthy would ever do. (Seriously--I went to college with some crazy rich kids and it was always the richest kids who downplayed it, while the solidly upper middle class kids with aspirations of wealth were the ones who got name droppy about labels and cars. It's the financial version of "methinks the lady doth protest too much.")  Everyone hates Kalon on sight and he has no idea because he's a delusional moron.  He has a date card and he'd like to take Michelle on an adventure and "motorboat the F outta that" (his classy words--the crew back at the Yacht Club must be so proud!).  She agrees to a date with him, then drops him the next morning (#karma) so Kalon goes looking for a date and none of the girls are interested (awesome).  He refers to all of the women as "idiots" and leaves for a date alone, during which he did a fake heart-to-heart dialogue with himself and other activities that I'd imagine the UCSD shooter psychopath would do. 

Later at a beach bonfire Jesse Kovacs strolls up (hottie from Jillian's season who has a player reputation).  Jesse invites Jaki on a date and lays it on thick (and by "it" I mean charm/desperation) while they eat dinner in a cave. When she asks him point blank if he's strategizing, Jesse plays dumb and says that he's not good at strategizing.  Very strategic answer, Hot Dummy! 

That night during yet another beach bonfire, Michelle (who hilariously joked that she "felt like a plan B... or even C... occasional D" and made a fan out of me) lamented her inability to make a connection with anyone in the house and then got a massage from sweetheart Cody.  I smell a new love connection! 

The next day AshLee learned a heartbreaking lesson: when you go on a reality TV show, you're mic-ed 24/7 AND there are cameras everywhere. I KNOW! Can you even stand it? Fake EyelAshLee learned this tough lesson when she openly talked smack about Clare to Zack. She encouraged Zack to pursue other women, called Clare "cuckoo" (oh that's rich coming from AshLee who confessed to Graham that she staked is Instagram on the day they met), and snapped, "she bleeped a guy in the ocean--are you kidding me?" Zack didn't say much of anything (and dude needs to learn how to STEP UP) but word got back to Clare faster than you can say "internalized sexism is what keeps the patriarchy in power and sexual double standards are often reinforced by the very groups that they victimize!" 

In a private conversation, Zack tells Clare that he isn't going to have her back, despite the fact that they are Bachelor In Paradise-dating, but the words come out as, "I don't want to be part of this drama" and Clare says she'll handle it herself (OMG she rules).  

Later that night, AshLee pulls Clare aside and says she's unsure of why Clare might be mad, but she senses some tension (oh AshLee, you're more inept at playing the victim than the girls who used to pull that crap on me in high school). Clare wins the day, telling AshLee, "you and I are not friends" and when AshLee has the audacity to say, "I'm not upset at you--don't feel like you did anything wrong" Clare rightfully snaps back, "I DIDN'T." It's intriguing to watch AshLee try to pull Jedi mind tricks on Clare and fail so spectacularly.  Clare tells AshLee that she's tacky and not classy and AshLee scampers off to lie in the bed that she made (literally and figuratively).  

The next night is the rose ceremony and 6 girls will be giving out roses to 8 dude options. Smart  money says that Kalon is on his way out (don't forget your baggage, fake Richie Rich), but who will the other reject be? Well we won't know until Tuesday night because there was drama at the rose ceremony! 

During cocktail hour, Michelle pulled Graham aside and told him about AshLee's toxic smack talking. Graham had been unenthusiastically "dating" AshLee (thought it seemed  more like a hostage situation), but he's stunned by her mean spirited behavior toward Clare. The rose ceremony starts, and we get as far as...

Lacy - Marcus (I think I dozed off for a moment because of how insufferably BORING these two are.) 

Clare - Zack (I hope the guy can step it up soon. Also, her white top rules.) 

AshLee - Graham 

BUT as AshLee offers her rose to Graham, he stands there looking dazed for a moment, then simply walks out of the rose ceremony. Michelle follows him moments later (because she knows how to make good reality TV and drama must be talked out with another person) and then we see "TO BE CONTINUED" on the screen.  

TUNE IN TONIGHT! 

How I Met the Hottest Masshole from The Bachelorette: DYLAN!

Beloved Readers!  It has been a hot minute since I posted on there, and for that I am sorry. I must also confess that I haven’t even finished watching last week’s episode of STD Shack aka Bachelor In Paradise. This August has been a busy one, which is very different from my usual August routine of making regular trips to Coney Island Beach and pretending that I hate weather so hot that I must wear a tube top 16/7 (it would be 24/7, but who can sleep in a tube top?). 

From what I saw of last week’s BinP episode, Elise is a lil bit of a kookoo bird, Chris B. still walks like a duck (literally—that’s not a euphemism), and Robert’s nursing a broken heart (at the hands of a girl who is as overrated as One Direction—yeah, I said it!). 

BUT NONE OF THAT MATTERS. What matters is that a few days ago I had a face to face meeting and hang time with Dylan, the Boston accountant featured in Andi’s season of The Bachelorette and Bachelor In Paradise (as Elise’s major crush).  If you recall, during The Bachelorette, I was pulling him for day one and not just because he’s a stocky hottie—also because he’s a Masshole.  I’ve been writing recaps of The Bachelor franchise for years—it’s how I got my book deal.  This here blog has gotten a lot of hits from Bachelor Nation and a month or two back, a sweet girl on twitter (Amy Ciulla!) pointed @dylanpetitt (the aforementioned Dylan) to my blog and he read my recap. He agreed with America that my reality TV recaps are friggity whack hilarious.  He then started following me on twitter and I followed him, which enables us to send Direct Messages to each other.  It’s like a sad version of Tinder up in here!

I sent Dylan a note and said that I was pulling for him and I thought he navigated reality TV really well—he seemed genuine and real and never said anything too inflammatory, which was smart.  He wrote back and was very nice and we had a few friendly messages back and forth.  I mentioned that I do standup comedy and I had some shows coming up in Boston during late August.  I told him the dates and he said he’d be interested in attending, so I said that I’d remind him as the date approached. 

If you read my book, you know that I have “lovingly stalked” reality TV hotties before (see "Chapter 4, Rule: Don’t Date a Guy or Gal Who is As Hair Obsessed As You Are" from The New Rules for Blondes to hear the Constantine Maroulis saga) and I always get my man (if by “get my man” you mean, meet the guy and plead for a photo with him).  Now I am two-for-two with reality TV hotties, as I invited Dylan out to a Boston standup show and he actually showed up, plus I scored a photo with him.

A few days before my Thursday night show at SweetwaterTavern, I sent Dylan a reminder and I said that I could get him and a friend into the show for free. Unlike the jag who stood me up on New Year’s Eve 2001 (you can read that tale of woe in my book, too), Dylan is a man of his word and he showed up at Sweetwater Tavern on Thursday night with two pals in tow. The show was fantastic—packed room, awesome line-up, some free beer—great times. I was last on the line-up and I was really happy with my set (some might say that I “friggin’ murdered” and some would be completely right). After the show, my pals and I had a nice chat with Dylan and his buddies about growing up around Boston, Boston nightlife, Southie vs. Eastie, comedy, and The Bachelorette. To answer the question that I have gotten a few times, no, I did not maneuver him into a corner and shove my tongue down his throat.  I’m not 25 anymore, so I don’t need to kiss every cute guy I meet (but weren’t those the days, friends?). 

It was a lot of fun to meet a guy who I had jokingly mocked/rooted for/adored on TV and make him laugh. He was even gracious enough to pose for about a dozen photos with me. His friend was willing to snap a photo of me and sweet Dyl Dyl inside the bar, but when I looked at the photo it wasn’t so great, so I asked him to pose for another one outside.  Yes, I can be shameless when it comes to capturing a good picture.  A few years ago I had the lady at the Brooklyn DMV retake my license photo four times—sometimes you just gotta get it right (though he warned, those DMV ladies will NOT be happy with you). 

What did I learn from all of this, pussycats?

I you can dream it, you can achieve it (provided that your “dream” is to meet a reality TV personality who lives in your hometown and enjoys standup comedy and drinks).  If I had put half as much energy into my academics when I was a teenager as I do into my reality TV crushes in adulthood, I could have gone to friggin’ Yale. Without further ado, I give you a photographic record of the time I met the hottest Masshole from The Bachelorette…

Our first photo together. We were so young and foolish! 

Photo #2 is when we loosened up around each other. 

Finally, we settled into a rhythm of love. This one will make a great engagement photo,
don't you think?

Bach In Paradise: The Kickoff!

Monday night, ABC kicked off their latest vehicle to keep reality TV “stars” off the unemployment line, Bachelor in Paradise. On this show, a house full of Bachelor and Bachelorette “alums” (that’s putting it nicely) will go on dates throughout the week and elimination will happen if they aren’t coupled up with somebody by week’s end. Does that sound like a recipe for hurt feelings, heartbreak, and rapid transmission of communicable diseases to you? 

Yes, and there’s nothing I’d rather watch. 

Who will be living and loving in Paradise this season?

-Clare – Johnny Pabs’s second runner up who is earnest and a lil corny, but sweet

-Marcus – fresh off a dumping by Andi (Ombre DA) and ready to get back on the horse of love/rejection!

-Sarah – cute blonde from Sean’s season who has 1 arm and seems like a touch of a wet blanket. 

-Marquel – also fresh off a dumping by Andi and ready to find love while rocking a straw fedora! Oh, make the fedora thing stop PLEASE!

-Daniella – blonde from Sean’s season who looks a lil bit trashy and opinionated, which means I both relate to and adore her.

-Graham – from DeAnna’s season (which I must confess, I didn’t watch—that was back before I became a die hard) who is the elder statesman of the house and who the ladies find irresistible because he doesn't seem to care about anything. 

-Lacy – a girl who was sent home on night 1 of Juan Pablo’s season, which is a bad omen. If girl couldn’t manage to make small talk with the guy who was the most superficial, bullshitty Bachelor in Bach history, what the HECK does she bring to the table? (I have a feeling it’s big boobs!)

-Ben S. – southern faux gentleman from Desiree's season who wears a shit eating grin 24/7 but god knows where he gets that confidence from because kid is NOT handsome or remotely interesting. 

-Michelle K. – total wackadoo from Jake’s season.

-Robert – uber generic guy from Desiree’s season. Robert is so bland that I feel like I have face blindeness when I see him because I’m just like, “Who is that mass of white skin and average brownish hair with non-dramatic facial features?”

-Dylan – Masshole hottie is BACK and it’s the only reason I’m watching this ridiculous show. Dylan quickly proves a theorem that scientists have been debating for years: the only thing hotter than Dylan staring out a train window on The Bachelorette is Dylan with a tan and topless on Bachelor In Paradise!

-Elise – blonde gal from Juan Pablo’s season who was known for her unending supply of sequined, pageant-y cocktail dresses.

-AshLee – southern belle from Season’s season who has spent her few years out of the spotlight investing in false eyelashes and highlights. 

There are 7 men and 6 women and at week’s end, the guys will be handing out roses to the women, so the mission is clear: LADIES, GET MEN TO LIKE YOU, STAT! (Bachelor in Paradise is taking a page from Nine West’s latest horrible ad campaign!)

A quick run-down of my thoughts from the episode:

-Every girl on this show (except weird Michelle K.) must have gone to her colorist and said the exact same thing, “light brown base with blonde highlights, please!” You know you’re in a sea of sameness when a true brunette shows up (the infamous Michelle Money and yes, I hate myself for knowing that she’s Bach “infamous”) and you shout, “finally some DIVERSITY!”

-Dylan and Elise fell in Love at First Sight, which I’m hoping turns into Heartbreak at Second Week so that Dylan is free to date me when I’m in Boston next week.

 -Lacey’s was doing a helluva job putting her hair up in bonkers up-dos while being wicked passive and making Robert and Marcus embarrass themselves for her. Could she BE more overrated?

-AshLee arrived in Mexico with a plan: to meet Graham, who she only knows through social media.  She then threw a tantrum and cried when Clare invited him on a date, exclaiming, “he couldn’t be loyal for 24 hours?” Umm… loyal to what, False EyelASHLEE? (OMG I JUST MADE UP THE GREATEST NICKNAME EVER!) He doesn’t owe you anything and by him accepting a date with someone, he isn’t being “disloyal” to you, a virtual stranger.

-Daniella was throwing out zingers and it's cracking me up. 

-There seemed to be a Clare vs. AshLee crazy-off going on. I’m excited to see how this plays out.

-Lacey and Macrus’s conversation about how they both have pretty eyes might be the dumbest thing I have ever seen (or was the dumbest thing when Lacey said she was torn between two guys and the balance of her affections was “80/40”?)

-Props to Sarah for being aggressive and telling Marcus that she wanted to make out, but it was still an awkward moment.

-Michelle Money (a late arrival) and Graham love each other, you guys, and nothing says “love” quite like a drawn-out secret handshake!

-AshLee and Graham’s conversation about “red flags” was hilarious. I loved how he referred to her intensity as a “red flag” and she tried to backpedal.

-While Lacey was straddling Robert in the crashing waves, Marcus was whining to Dylan that after his Andi heartbreak, he had his walls up and Lacey managed to break those walls down (in just 24 hours?). Those sound like some pretty weak, dinky walls, my friend.

Before we know it, everyone is done straddling everyone else in the ocean and it’s time to hand out some roses.  With the arrival of Michelle Money we have 8 ladies, 6 guys, and 6 roses.  Oddball Michelle pre-empts the rose ceremony by saying that she wants to leave since she hasn’t made a connection with anybody. Go for it, weirdo. 

Now we’re down to 7 and 6 and the roses go like so…

-Marquel dressed as a hipster pirate gives a rose to Michelle Money who is dressed as a flamenco dancer

-Graham who makes all of his decisions based on FEAR gives a rose to AshLee aka Fake EyelashLee. 

-Dylan who is rocking a jaunty vest that I’d hate on anyone else but I love on him gives a rose to Elise who admits she would say “I love you” to Dylan at this point.

-Marcus throws everyone for a loop and gives his rose to LACEY, which makes her now his possession (based on how she reacts).

-Robert is dumbfounded and gives a rose to Clare, who refers to Paradise as “Claradise" (#barf)

-Ben who is probably wondering why nobody really gives a rat’s about him gives his rose to Sarah.

So Daniella, the most funny, candid contestant on Bachelor in Paradise is going home. I hope the other people know how to crack jokes and talk smack, because we’re going to need some of that!

Bachelorette Andi Ep 10: The Men Tell All (Plus an Ultrasound!)

On Monday night, The Bachelorette aired its “Men Tell All” episode, but in addition to men telling all there was a live ultrasound, a frank discussion of race relations, and appearances by a few Bach alums who just can’t seem to graduate from Bach U. 

The show kicked off with an appearance by JP and Ashley, the couple who are singlehandedly reminding Bachelor Nation that reality TV love CAN work out.  Ashley is wicked pregnant and they are moving to Miami because winter 2K13 into 14 was tough and, as Ashley says, “happy wife, happy life.”  They’re a super cute couple and they seem to get along great, but I felt like I was watching 2 people playing prescribed roles of Doormat Husband and Wife With a Real Mouth on Her.  Chris Harrison made a joke that JP and Ashley are moving to Miami to be closer to Juan Pablo and I hope that Johnny Pabs is ready to be the butt of every Bachelor joke for the rest of his clueless life.  Then, in a move that Chris Harrison would call UNPRECEDENTED, a medical technician shows up and administers an ultrasound on “live” TV.  Just when you thought that The Bachelor franchise couldn’t get more heteronormative, they pull this move!  What’s next, a Bachelor cremation? The audience is bizarrely invested in the sex of a baby made by two strangers and when they discover that it’s a boy, everyone is elated.  JP says that he’s excited to watch football with his son (since girls are allergic to football—it’s in their DNA).  

Chris Harrison throws us a promotion for the next move in the Bachelor franchise, Bachelor In Paradise (which will be launching in a few weeks and yes, I will be recapping but I might do shorter recaps—I can’t handle this much Bach).  Bachelor in Paradise promises to be filled with drama, craziness, tears, and end with AN INCIDENT that involves blood and handcuffs.  This aint your mammy’s hump house TV show!  

Finally, the rejects—err—guys—from this season of The Bachelorette are trotted out and true to form, everyone looks better than they did during the season (except for Cody—sorry, bro).  We’ve got Carl (firefighter), Brett (hairdresser who walked in with a lamp), Andrew (guy who came off as pretty damn sketchy), Patrick (dude who brought nothing to the table), Bradley (Opera Man), Ron (left abruptly after a few episodes), Craig (Overexcited Loser), Nick S. (golf pro who Andi straight up didn’t like and he treats her as though she’s somehow in the wrong for this opinion), Tasos (who was lucky or unlucky enough to have his rejection never go to air), JJ (Pantsapreneur who had some wicked red eye this episode), Marquel (all sweet smiles), Cody (who is a ball of muscles with a pair of ears attached), Dylan (who got a haircut and continues to rule), Brian (his BFF—New England buds for LIFE!), Marcus (who I never quite “got”), Chris (who I’d like to get).  

Marquel rocked a cookie pin and handed out cookies to the audience (WE GET IT, KID), Brian was in a suit but looked like his mom had dressed him up for the 7th grade semi-formal, and the guys debated the he said/he said storyline of whether Andrew made a comment about the “black guys” during a rose ceremony.  We watched a montage of the guys during which Andrew referred to JJ and friend as “meatheads in suits” which makes me wonder if he went to a college without a football team.  Is a self-described “Pantsapreneur” your idea of a “Meathead"?  If so, let me introduce you to the boys of Delta Upsilon sometime.  I once watched one of them fistfight a refrigerator when he was drunk—THAT is a meathead, my friend. 

The guys talked about the alleged incident in which Andrew leaned over to JJ and made a comment about the black guys and the producers played the footage of that exchange happening (Andrew wasn’t miced, though), then Marquel talked about his faith and manhood and the whole thing was a surprisingly adult, civil conversation.  Chris talked about how to handle things “as a man” and made it clear that he’s not a fan of JJ.  It seems like JJ is one of those guys who characterizes himself really easygoing an playful and fun, but is actually a shit stirrer.  

Marquel spent some time in the hot seat and admitted that he was unable to get out of the friend zone with Andi and that he didn’t realize that guys were kissing her.  Marcus chatted with Chris Harrison about his experience and admitted that he made a comment because he was hurt (admirable to admit that on TV), and Chris heard more about how much his farmer family friggin’ rules.  A random chick in an off white jumpsuit interrupted their conversation so that she could flirt with Chris and give him her digits, which was gutsy… but weird.  During Ketla (yes, that was her name) and Chris’s commercial break speed date, Dylan shouted, “YOLO!” which cracked me up. 

Finally, Andi came out in a sparkly, short dress and took some questions from the guys.  Two tone shirt Cody tells Andi that she never saw “the real Cody” which is a blessing for everyone involved, I think.  Chris Bukowski (who tried to crash the first cocktail party) again lets himself be a Bachelor punchline in order to promote Bachelor in Paradise.  Dude, get some pride, would ya? Chris Harrison shares the lie detector results which are that JJ, Brian, and Chris told no lies.  Josh told some lies (perhaps the question was, “Are you over your failed pro ball career?” and he said yes?), Marcus lied about his number (awkward), and Dylan lied about preferring brunettes to blondes.  Hell yeah, Dylan’s wicked smaaaat and he prefers BLONDES which is the CORRECT OPINION!  Might I recommend a beach read to you, sweet Massole Man?  Here's the trailer for said book:

The episode closed with a montage of Andi bloopers, then pieces about Josh and Nick.  Who will win Andi’s heart?  We’ll find out on Monday!