I'm coming to you now from my couch where I'm chomping on a popsicle and trying to resist the magnetic pull of the bottle of red wine that's staring at me from atop my refrigerator. Dry January is going great! Thankfully, The Bachelor is scratching my itch for watching the ramifications of bad decisions unfold (though I'm jealous of all their bubbly and wine drinking).
We start off inside the STD Shack (Bachelor Mansion) where 15 ladies are informed that they are LEAVING LOS ANGLES to head to south Lake Tahoe, Nevada! I'll admit that I said, out loud, to my sweet roommate, "I bet they don't even know what state Lake Tahoe is in" before I admitted that I didn't, either. Turns out, NEVADA!! (Though apparently part of it is in California, also.) I TRULY mean it when I say the The Bachelor franchise has taught me so much about geography (... and myself).
Nothing says "sexy time romance" quite like acres of pine trees, am I right? The ladies explore their woodsy cabin lodge and quirky Kendall is thrilled that it's filled with taxidermy.
Yale alumna, Sienne, is dressed in a white top, snug blue jeans, her hair down, and she's READY for 1:1 date action. Like a concerned camp counselor, Arie asks her if she "packed enough warm clothes" and they're off! The hop in an open top Jeep that looks like a classic Ford Bronco (or something) and hit the road. I'll admit that as they cruised off in that sweet truck, it made me almost like Arie for a split second there. WOW. I'm amazed that producers could EVER get me to not loathe him.
They drive to the lake where they board a boat and go parasailing, which we soon learn is a LOT like falling in love, in that it involves trust, pushing yourself outside your comfort zone, and maybe shitting yourself out from fear.
Meanwhile, back at the Lady Lodge, evil producers have given the gals binoculars so that they can watch it all go down on the lake like a 14 girl crew of stalkers. Note that during all of this, whisper-baby-talk-Krystal openly hopes that Sienne gets sent home. I cannot WAIT for the "Women Tell All" episode!!
Arie and Sienne take off their crotch harnesses (not a joke--when parasailling, your genitals MUST be wrapped in seatbelts for safety) and sit on a beach sipping champagne and talking about how often Arie sees his parents (every other day) and how embarrassing it must have been for Arie to watch his younger brother get married first (HA! OUCH!). Arie says he's impressed with Sienne because she's smart, well-traveled, and a damn good kisser. God I hate it when he earns his dweeb assed nickname (Kissing Bandit).
That evening, Maquel gets a call that her grandfather died very unexpectedly and suddenly, so she packs up and leaves. Some girls think she'll return, but really? Really? If she does, she'll DEFINITELY say she returned because her deceased grandfather would have WANTED her to go on network TV in order to find love with a 36-year-old race car driver turned realtor nicknamed "The Kissing Bandit" but some and "Pasty Snooze" but others. Her grandpa LOVED that kind of thing!! Mark my words!!
As Maquel flies back to Utah (not too far at all), Sienne and Arie go into the Hard Rock Cafe Casino (how amazing must it be to see outside humans, ya know? They are living like friggin' kidnapping victims!) and sit down for a dinner of white wine for her, red wine for him. That is MY kind of dinner! Oh Sauvey Blanc, when will I get you back in my liiiiiife!??!?!? Sienna looks gorgeous--light pink sorta wrap-ish dress, delicate jewelry, black leather jacket. Arie's too casual in a plaid shirt, but also, he's not working with much, at all, ever, so whatcha gonna do?
Sienne shares that her parents' marriage was somewhat chaotic, especially in her teen years, and that she doesn't often see representations of people who look like her in romantic, happily-ever-after stories. Wow. I'm glad she said that, producers kept it in, and Arie echoed it. Representation is so important and anyone who says different probably grew up with the luxury of seeing representations of themselves in positions of power, positions of privilege, their whole damn lives. Sienna's feelings of outsider-ness really resonated with me and many Bach heads, I'm sure.
Arie hands her the rose, explaining that he already felt a familiarity with her when they met, that she's a strong woman who impresses him, and that the date isn't over! He has one trick up his sleeve and by that he means that Bachelor producers have a connection to a D list, Top 40, bro country band and that band needs press! Arie and Sienne walk into a theater where LANCO is performing (who? I know) a song that I'm ashamed I have heard on New York's country station, 94.7 and there is a BIG crowd there, but conveniently a platform on which Arie and Sienne can dance, kiss, and perform their love for a crowd of creepy onlookers. I get dumb chills from watching this, but my new, young roommate calls it "secondhand embarrassment" so I can only assume that ALL millennials use that phrase when they're snap chatting their avocado toast while tanking the economy or whatever. Perhaps we should confirm my assumptions with Bekah (GET IT!?!? MILLENNIAL JOKE ABOUT BABY RIZZO! More of those coming soon!).
The next day it's a group date for the 13 girls who aren't Sienne or Bekah (on that's right---Bekah will get a 1:1 and you haven't seen her this happy since she learned how to ride a bike last week). The group date gals are all done up in their best sexy winter looks. Looks that scream, "yeah these are hiking boots but these leggings are like sausage casings and isn't this scarf jaunty? It does NOTHING to keep me warm but looks delightfully seasonal." When Arie meets up with the Winter Beauties, he addresses Maquel's depature, saying, "I'm really appreciative of your guyses time" when he could have just said, "I'm really appreciative of your time" but who cares? Our damn President can barely string 3 words together--let it rip!
The group goes on a "hike" that lasts roughly 60 seconds (my kind of hike) and meet up with a married couple who are experts in wilderness survival--he's Mykel Hawke (is that a stage name? Or rather, a woods name?), a former Green Beret commander and his wife is British! They talk about the dangerous of black bears (who invited Betsy DeVos?), survival, and RECYCLING URINE aka DRINKING YOUR OWN PEE!!! Yezzzzz!! Hahah. I love euphemisms for stuff. "Recycling Urine"--oh you mean recycling it from my own vag into my own mouth! Goodness gracious this recap is off the rails.
Each participant is handed a bottle, told to go pee into it, and then assembled to watch Arie drink his pee first. NONE OF THIS IS A JOKE. This all occurred on ABC in primetime. Arie "sips his pee" then spits it out, then reveals that it was apple juice JUST as Jacqueline (a girl who has hardly said anything and made ZERO impression on Bachelor Nation) is about to drink hers! Then we cut to a shot of blonde Jenna saying, "I would drink my pee for Arie--I would do anything." Oh Jenna, please never change.
Please take this pee conversation opportunity to watch a hilarious video created by my brother-in-law, Bobby Mort, that leads a candid conversation about America's favorite pasttime: drinking its own pee.
After The PeePee Tape (JK but I literally pray to God that President Trump's Pee Tape gets released--you KNOW that Mueller has a copy), the gang has an opportunity to eat WORMS and Tia and Kendall are FIRED UP! Kendall, as you may recall, was on an episode of Fear Factor that involved eating bugs, so this is old hat. Krystal is horrified by all of it, as was I, though I am NOT on Team Krystal anymore.
Krystal is deep in denial and projecting HARD, as she rails against the other women, saying that they are desperate and insecure and don't know who they are. In fact, Krystal is feeling insecure and a bit unmoored and rather than handle those feelings of jealousy and insecurity in a healthy way, by looking within or sitting with them or taking ownership of these feelings, Krystal lashes out at the other women. Girl, read a self help book and get a clue.
As if bug eating and (fake) pee drinking weren't "nature date-y" enough, now the crew is split up into 3 teams, given heavy backpacks and maps, and cast out into the wilderness to find their way to a destination where there is a hot tub and bubbly. What better carrot to dangle in front of a bevy of Bachelor babes!?
The blue team gets Arie and gets to the cabin/oasis first. The grey team gets completely lost, and the red team is off the rails (this is when Chelsea spots Marikh allegedly using the compass as a reflective surface to check her hair and I would have done the same thing! Well, I mean, it was snowing and that would RUIN my curls, so I would definitely have them up and protected--as Ashley did--not down and losing body, as Marikh did). Finally, everyone assembles at the hot tub where they drink bubbly, canoodle, and crack jokes (at least Tia and Caroline do, and Krystal is too paranoid and insecure to get it).
Everyone gets dressed up for the afterparty, where Krystal continues to crack (GET IT!??!?) but says that everyone ELSE is spiraling and that it's "exhausting to watch." Sure, girl.
Arie and Lauren B. have a connection and chat by a fire and man, Lauren B. not only lacks personality, she has ZERO facial expressions. It's bizarre. Arie and Kendall have a nice 1:1 chat and my roommate Lola called it, saying, "Arie likes crazy" which I think is VERY true.
While the ladies get alone time with Arie, Krystal holds court on the couches, waxing poetic about how romance and dating works (Good Lord did anybody ask you, Krystal?) and talking about herself nonstop.
During Krystal's alone time with Arie she mostly says "like" and says that she has a target on her back because she and Arie have such a strong relationship and THAT is why the other girls don't like her. HA!! Keep telling yourself that, kiddo. Ummm--Bekah and Becca both have SERIOUS connexies with Arie and you don't see THEM being ostracized for being front runners. Krystal just keeps digging her own grave and preserving her legacy as the Courtney/Tierra/Vienna of this season.
Krystal pulls Tia and Caroline aside to confront them about "mocking" her at the hottub and Caroline shoots straight--they were being silly, it wasn't meant to be mean to Krystal--and she's telling the truth! They were being goofy! Get over yourself, Krystal. Nonetheless, the interaction feels like blondes vs. brunettes, or rather, Krystal vs. everybody--ha!
Tia and Arie have alone time during which he furiously rubs her neck and clavicles and when she tells him that she gets scared that he has strong connections with other women, he reassures her by saying, "you just need to have some faith that I have a plan" and WOW I haven't heard that type of talk since the last time I read THE BIBLE. Who are you, Arie, friggin' God? Is this a remake of that classic Young Adult book, "Are You There God, It's Me Margaret?" called "Are You There Arie God, It's Me Tia?" Well, apparently treating Arie like the creator of heaven and Earth pays off, as Tia scores the group date rose, much to Krystal's frustration (though she SMILES BIG through it all).
Finally it's time for Baby Rizzo and Arie's 1:1 date which will be horseback riding, more hot tub and bubbly time (what else does one do in Lake Tahoe?), and, finally, a dinner of wine. Back at the house, we FINALLY get some sound bites from Jacqueline, who says that she, too, is an "experience junkie" (as is Bekah, apparently) and that Bekah should spend her 20s doing all sorts of things, not settling down and cranking out babies for a 36 year old guy whose new favorite hobby is going to bed early.
Finally, over "dinner," Bekah (dressed in yet another huge, fake fur worn off her shoulders and yet another mock turtleneck and giant hoops) revels her age: 22 to Arie's 36. Arie is STUNNED and I'm sorta shocked at how shocked he is because she has always looked YOUNG. I mean, sure, she looks like a young Stockard Channing playing the role of Rizzo in the masterpiece, GREASE, but she has always looked VERY young, she's a nanny, and she has avoided the age question repeatedly. Dude--how didn't you see this coming!? Arie just keeps saying "you're so young!" and sort of pulling away and Bekah goes into survival mode, trying HARD to reel him back in with promises of adventure and "follow your heart" and "just have new experiences" and all that stuff that you believe when you're 22.
|He has his fingers IN her hoops which really grosses me out.|
He explains that he has been dumped on national TV before and this time, he's seeking a partner, a wife, a person with whom to build a family (you didn't think that I was going to throw a dangling preposition in there, did you?) and that is WHY he's here. He explains that his biggest fear is that he'll go through this whole bizarro wife search situation and come to the end, and find himself alone again. She responds, "well would it be worth it if that did happen?" and he says, "No! Cause I need a wife!" Oh man he is dropping TRUTH BOMBS and I can dig it! He says, "I'm not here for a 22 year old girlfriend, I'm here to find a wife" and YET he decides to keep her around.
WARNING: I AM ABOUT TO BE QUITE CRASS:
Arie says that he's now going to "guard his heart a little bit" (whatever that means) but I think we all know that he's keeping Bekah around until the Fantasy Suite so that he can hump down with this sexy youngster, then he will DROP HER after that. I think he's a FOOL to keep her there, since he is SO drawn to her and she is, essentially, a non-option as far as wife/kids pronto, but he's keeping her around to get laid. I'm betting on it.
Finally it's time to prepare for the cocktail party/rose ceremony. Sienne, Tia, and Bekah M. already have roses, so they are chill as hell walking into this cocktail party. Everyone else is sorta losing it. Everyone wants to talk to Arie, everyone seems to feel that they are misunderstood, there is tension in the house, and it's finally "really, really getting real--like, for real now, real real."
The ladies assemble and are all looking gorgeous--there's lots of sparkles, hair, lipstick. Kendall makes a hilarious point that Krystal talks as if she's reading from a self-help book and the Twee Taxidermist is RIGHT!! Every time the ladies are assembled, Krystal is spouting off unsolicited advice about how you gotta "put yourself out there" and crap like that. The ladies all find her to be fake and two faced and it looks like next week (ROBE GATE), Arie is going to realize that. But back to the cocktail party/rose ceremony....
Chris Harrison walks in like one of those "I'm here to ruin your life" GIFs that I would insert here if I understood technology at all and drops this bomb:
"There will be no cocktail party."
The ladies act as if Chris Harrison has just told them ALL of their respective homes have burned to the ground. Also, yes, that bottom picture above is a still from my Instagram story. I live tweet as much as I can and also post Instagram stories because I live, eat, breathe BACH 24/7. So be sure to follow me on twitter and Insta: both are @SelenaCoppock.
The freaked out ladies assemble in the rose ceremony room and Bekah is looking like a young Ms. Hannigan with that silk dress plus fur off the shoulders thing.
|Hi, I'm Bekah and I'm ready for this rose ceremony to pop off!|
-Lauren - blonde white lady in a navy dress. She seems a LIL boring but perhaps I am a monster who surrounds herself with wackadoos who have a TON of personality? [HIGH KICK]
-Kendall - blonde white girl who LOVES dead animals! She's in a hippie chick beaded black dress that I don't hate.
-Ashley - light skinned black girl who seems has kept a low profile, which I can dig, but that dress feels a lil too casual. Beauty is pain, my friend!
-Becca K. - brunette white woman in a greenish dress, hair half up/half down, looking great.
-Chelsea - white lady single mama who is ALL cheekbones atop a blue dress.
-Jenna - blonde white woman serving vintage Hollywood realness with that liquid liner cat eye and I LIKE it but I think that she has zero connection with Arie beyond straddling him for a make-out.
-Jacqueline - brunette white lady who spoke ONCE this season! She is a PRO at not embarrassing her family, I'll say that.
-Marikh - dark haired Indian girl in a black, one shoulder dress. During the credits we watch her confront Chelsea about "glam shaming" and it was HILARRRRZ.
-Krystal - blonde white lady KOOKOO BIRD who gets the last rose and this rose will be her last (see what I did there?).
So who is going home?
-Caroline - a beautiful former Miss Massachusetts (HELL YESSSS) who seems hilarious and cool and smart, so naturally Arie sent her packing. Very presciently, she said that Krystal is playing Arie like a fiddle and she will be proven right next week, I think! Although he'll quit playing the fiddle and this Americana folk music metaphor is getting MESSY.
-Brittany - a gorgeous black woman whose dress choices were ON POINT every time.
My heart breaks for Tia because she's losing her buddy Caroline, but I'm sure they'll stay in touch (and I'll be watching it on Instagram like a Bachelor superfan psychopath!).
Next week the gang heads to FLORIDA and it looks like single mom Chelsea is the mystery lady who straddles Arie on a moving jet ski. On episode 1 I made a joke about Arie being straddled on a moving jet ski is VERY Eastbound & Down and HOLY SHIT Arie being straddled on a moving jet ski BY A SINGLE MOTHER FROM A D LIST CITY is SOOOOO COMPLETELY EASTBOUND & DOWN I can't even believe it!!