Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Bachelor Arie: Our National Nightmare Commences


Greetings!  Hello!  Happy new year!  Happy 2018!  Here we go!

A few weeks ago, when ABC released the headshots of all the assorted Laurens who would be vying for the affections of The Bachelor's least hot and most boring participant ever, Arie, I meant to write up a run-down of who I thought would last long, who would be the resident Mean Girl, and such.  But I didn't have time because I was busy promoting my debut standup album, SEEN BETER DAYS! The album's release and promotional push were AMAZING and my baby was #1 on the iTunes comedy charts for 2 days!  It was all super fun.  I got some great write-ups on Splitsider and chatted with cool people on great podcasts such as Keith and the Girl and elsewhere.  Fun, busy times overall. 

So I didn't have time to prepare for this season but ALSO--I must be honest with you, dear reader--I have been dreading this season.  I simply don't like Arie at ALL.  During Emily's season I found him to be really drab and pasty.  Being pasty isn't a cardinal sin, but I just don't like it!  He just always seemed like quite a snooze to me.  Alas, I suspect that Bachelor producers were in a bit of a pickle with picking the next Bachelor (Luke was HOT and I used to be truly Team Luke, but he has revealed himself to be a shameless wanna-be country music star and I feel gross for even writing that sentence).  Despite how ABC spins it, I think that it's surprisingly difficult to recruit a person to be the main character in this bizarro romance circus. It's a select group of people who can leave their job for 6 months, date an assortment of bonkers participants, then potentially live a life of D list fame for the remainder of their days, ya know?  So I guess they went with Arie this go round.


We last saw Arie five years ago when he was the runner up in gorgeous Emily Maynard's season (she went with Jef, a tiny, Mormon, Robyn look-alike). On that season, he proved to be quite pasty and--allegedly--a really good kisser.

QUICK ASIDE: Can we talk about how EASY it is to be a good kisser?  Just be responsive to the other person!  It's truly NOT VERY HARD at all.  I'm a good kisser (thank you very much) and guys have repeatedly remarked on that to me, which is very nice, but also I always say, "well yeah you just respond to what the other person is doing and sorta mirror their style." This aint rocket science, people!  

OK so let's dive in.  As much as "I wish I could quit you," Bachelor franchise, I cannot.  So last night from 8:00 to 10:00pm I was on my couch, witnessing Lauren after Lauren pile out of stretch limos and watching a Rizzo look-alike sporting a choker avoid questions about her age. Man oh man are we really doing this again?  We are.  And let's get to it.

Arie is a professional race car driver who decided to change careers (OF HIS OWN VOLITION, RIGHT???) and become a realtor peddling giant vacation homes in Arizona.  Hey, we can't all live in Days of Thunder forever, I suppose. He's 36 and ready to settle down and start a family of pasty bores.  Or so he says.

The first night is standard fare--a flurry of gorgeous women in sparkly gowns introducing themselves to Arie and a handful of dumb jokes.  We see the arrival of FOUR Laurens in a row (I love that producers put them all in a single limo, it seems), one pushy Mean Girl (Chelsea the single mother from Portland, ME), one girl who takes a weird mysterious identity bit way too far (Annaliese in the face mask--cool imprints in your face, girl!), and everyone interrupting everyone else so as to score a MOMENT with Arie. 

A few quick thoughts/takeaways: 

-Kendall the girl who LOVES taxidermy and plays the ukulele is like a watered down hipster wanna-be and it is all just too twee for me. Barf. Also she rolled up in a sparkly nightgown like some sort of fancy Wendy Darling of Peter Pan Fame.

Hi, I'm Amber and I own a spray tan salon--
wait--OK, sure you can cut in.
-The two most magical moments that happened in the entire 2 hours were both of the interactions between Arie and a forgettable ombre-ish blonde/ish brunetteish girl named Amber (that's her photo here).  She interacted with him only two times and in both of those interactions, the only information that she communicated to him was that she owns a spray tan salon.  She literally met him at the door and was like, "I own a spray tan salon" (and made a crass joke), then had a MOMENT with him by the pool and she repeated that she owns a spray tan salon, then she was interrupted.  IT WAS HILARIOUS.  Oh sweet, sweet Amber, you are too simple for this world.

-As far as dress style, the big thing was cut outs (all over the place) and showing off your lower back. Also, and I have asked this question before, but does no one on this show EVER have a single frigging freckle or mole!? I can't be the only grown woman out there with some moles, can I? Am I weird? My new "thing" for 2018 is LOVE (self love, romantic love, not giving my heart to underemployed, tax evading "directors" who are narcissists and mislead people), so I am trying to love my moles but what's a girl gotta do to get some representation!!??!? Where my freckly knockouts at!?!?

-As usual, we had a blonde, Mormon knockout (Maquel), a girl who is friends with a Bachelor alum (Tia, Raven's Arkansan pal), and a few dramatic entrances in cars to piss off the girls who were already inside. 

Shockingly, no one got super wasted during that first night and preditcably, Arie gave the First Impression Rose to an overconfident nightmare (Chelsea), thereby creating a monster.  To save my sanity and your time, let's do a quick run-down of who got roses, who was sent home.

-Chelsea - Portland ME single mom who will cut a bitch for face time with Arie--I  mean, who just knows what she wants and who is on an expedited timetable because she left her child to be on a reality TV dating show across the country from her home. From the jump she was overly familiar with Arie and I found it really manipulative.
-Becca K. - brunette, white woman publicist from Minneapolis whose black dress with cutouts and overlays was dramatic and cool, brought letters from her mom.
-Marikh - Salt Lake City, Utah owner of Indian restaurant with her sweet mama rocking a gorgeous maroon, lacey dress.
-Kendall - blonde, white lady hipster chick whose ukulele songs are tiresome as hell. I hate people who try so hard to be weird or quirky that it feels really deliberate and performative. Blech.
-Lauren G. - black woman in black dress with silver decorative beading on the back who did a pineapple taste test with Arie and made a cute joke.
-Krystal - smiley, very bubbly blonde, white lady in a killer red dress who I think will eventually wear on me, but for now, I really, REALLY like. Her brother is homeless and has rejected help and that has inspired her to help homeless people. She just seems pretty earnest and sweet and I dig it.
-Bekah - a poor man's Rizzo who is out past her bedtime (she's the one who evades questions about her age).  I mean, is this not the same person?

-Lauren S. - social media manager, 31, white girl with long, blonde hair, cute black dress. Seems sweet. 
-Sienne - 27, black girl from California who gave him elephant cuff links (cute move). Love her super low cut, black dress.
-Caroline - 26, brunette, white lady realtor who lives in Florida but is a MASSACHUSETTS NATIVE THEREFOR I WILL  BE ROOTING FOR HER ALL SEASON!!! Also her first night look was fierce--gorgeous mermaid cut white dress with good cleavage being shown, perfectly curled hair. Overall, super solid look, great work flirting with Arie.
-Brittany T. - marketing manager from LA whose bumper sticker opening line was a bit too much for me (she literally PUT a bumper sticker ON Arie's butt--yikes--boundaries, please!) but then she did a little motorized car race thing with Arie that was VERY sweet and silly. Solid work. 
-Bibiana - Exec Assistant, 30, Miami. I found her hair MUCH too casual for the event (a sloppy low bun? FOR NIGHT ONE???? COME ON, GIRL) but she seems spunky, which I dig. 
-Annaliese - white woman in the face mask as a joke about the "Kissing Bandit."  No thank you.
-Jenna - 28, Raleigh NC native, blonde, white girl in a royal blue dress and silver shoes. Her dress has, as is all the rage, cutouts on her hips which are NOT easy to pull off. Also she's just a LOT to take. She's very expressive with her hands and throughout the episode she's just TOO MUCH. The kids today would call her "extra" I think. She reminds me of party girls I knew in college who were perfectly fun but also, on the verge of being batshit insane.  And were forever losing their meal cards or forgetting to pack before break.  Just like, WOA.  Shall we nickname her Hurricane Jenna? Why not.
-Valerie - 25, Nashville TN, white girl in yellow dress with purplish/reddish hair. I don't see her being around too long. I also see that hair color fading QUICKLY (as red always does).
-Jacqueline - 26, Research Coordinator from West Virginia (mountain mama), white girl with dark hair, maroon dress who is very authentic, it seems. She even made a joke about him that struck me--asking him to "just look cute." Ha!
-Jenny - 25, Chicago, IL, white girl, bright pink dress, blonde hair. She's an artist and had drawn a pencil rendering of Arie in which he looked SUPER HOT, so obviously she's not great at accuracy in her art.
These are two different people, apparently? 

-Lauren B. - 25, sparkly, silver dress, long, blonde hair, white girl. I retained by little about her because the first night was a deluge of blonde women and women named Lauren, so the Venn Diagram where they overlap is just a dead zone for me. 
-Ashley - 25, real estate agent (gosh realtors haven't gotten this much buzz since... well, ever) with dark hair and a super cute, very sparkly cocktail dress. She walked in and gave Arie a little race car flag thing, which was cute. 
-Tia - brunette white girl who is BFF with Bachelor alum Raven. Tia hails from a small town in Arkansas called Weiner and when she met Arie, she handed him a small weiner and made a joke that she hopes he doesn't already have a small weiner and HE COMPLETELY DIDN'T GET THE JOKE. Don't get me wrong, it's a hella corny joke and I HATE childish sexual innuendo like that, but Arie was like, "yeah, no, I don't have one of these, thanks" LIKE A CLUELESS DOLT.  BUH. 
-Maquel - platinum blonde white lady who is 23 and READY TO GET MARRIED (buh), works as a "professional photographer" (read: lives at home and occasionally photographs friends' events, wants to be pregnant yesterday).  As she came down to claim her rose, she scolded Arie, saying "why did you do that to me?" which was super sensitive to the 6 women being sent home--really kind of her.

-Amber - Spray Tan owner girl. As they say on Ru Paul's Drag Race, Sashay, Away but I'll remix it for Amber to say, Sa-SPRAY, Away.
-Ali - forgettable dirty blonde haired white girl who asked Arie to give her a "sniff check" when she entered. Note to self, don't attempt to flirt with a guy by ASKING HIM TO SMELL YOUR ARMPITS. Good Lord are we in 8th grade? Speaking of 8th grade flirting techniques, ya know who else went home....
-Bri - (yes apparently that is somehow her FULL NAME and not a SPELLING ERROR)- 25 year old sports reporter, brunette white girl from Oregon who entered by exclaiming "think fast" and CHUCKING a baseball at Arie.  Oh man I HATE shit like that. It's just so obnoxious and I pity people who think that these are valid flirting moves in adulthood. Good riddance.
-Brittane J. - 27, marketing manager from San Diego who looked like a brunette Blac Chyna.
-Nysha - 30, orthopedic nurse from SC who was SO damn skinny! Seemed super sweet but perhaps didn't push hard enough to have face time with Arie.
-Olivia - maybe? I can't keep track of that happened with her, so if she pops up next week, don't be surprised.  Look, tracking all these gorgeous ladies isn't a cakewalk.
-Jessica - gorgeous white lady newscaster whose red, flowy dress was a lil "country's night out" for my taste, but she seemed sweet albeit INTENSE. She referenced the fact that her deceased father has met Arie and how much she loves that fact and I think that it was a major turnoff for Arie. Just a lil too much too soon.
-Lauren J. - blonde, white lady in white dress with big, green earrings (fun look) who was probably the only remotely age appropriate participant for Arie, so she HAD TO GO!!!

Bachelor producers left us with a preview of what is to come this season and there will be drama surrounding Bekah's age (which is quite ironic since Stockard Channing was infamously VERY OLD to be playing the role of Rizzo in Grease and her look alike Bekah is VERY YOUNG to be trying to secure a proposal from a 36 year-old-race-car-driver-turned-realtor who has already been publicly rejected on national TV once before), Bibinia will NOT have time for your drama (YESSSSS!), and Arie will drive a Jet Ski while making out with a blonde chick who is straddling him.  The ONLY thing that might make this season bearable is if Arie starts acting like Kenny Powers.  We can only hope.

Arie is disgusting 
Kenny Powers is the best

What did you think of opening night!?!??

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