Wednesday, January 31, 2018

Bachelor Arie Ep 5: Bowlin', Jet Skiin' 'n Straddlin'

OK, by now you MUST know the horrifying reality that the episode that I preemptively nicknamed "Robe-Gate" and thought would showcase the departure of Krystal was NOT quite as drama-filled as Bachelor Nation has hoped!  Somehow Krystal is still with us!  And she's going to Paris with the gang, even though Arie seems to LOATHE her at this point.  But I am getting ahead of myself.

This episode took place in the proverbial genital wart clinging to the metaphorical penis of America--Fort Lauderdale, Florida. The sun is bright but snooze Bach Arie aint getting any color because he appears to be coated in SPF 100 and then dipped in bronzer as he cruises the streets in a corny convertible.  

Meanwhile, the remaining gals (Kendall the TryTooHard Quirky one, Baby Rizzo, and the Pink Ladies) are exploring Floridon't (I AM ON FIRE!!! I THINK IT IS BECAUSE I JUST STUFFED MY FAT FACE IN A QUICHE) and settling into their suite in the W Hotel.  

Arie arrives in a bland, navy blue T-shirt, drab blue shorts, and TAN TOMS. OK I appreciate that Toms Shoes are like, "for every pair of shoes you buy, we'll give a pair of unflattering monster shoes to someone who will accept ANY type of shoe they can get" and I suppose that is nice but we all need to get real about the fact that these Toms slip-ons are UGLY. It is a scientific fact. And the tan/beige ones at THE UGLIEST. You all know how I feel about white people wearing white people flesh tone (MY EYES BLEED) so take THAT hatred and combine it with a hatred for flats (well, MY hatred for flats on ME) and you have, well, a recipe for disaster. 

I need to calm myself down here, so suffice to say: Arie looks like dog shit.  He surprises Chelsea (as surprised as you can pretend to be when you are obviously dressed and done up FOR the date) and whisks her away for a 1:1 that takes place on a yacht.  The yacht is HUGE and even though Chelsea claims that she is "essssstatic about it" (no C in sight in that word), she immediately negs Arie by saying that if she had a choice to be on a boat (huh? Had a choice? Are you living in Overboard? Or wait, that was kidnapped FROM a boat into a CABIN but you get it), SHE would prefer a smaller boat.  Cool move, lady! A few of the other gals observe the pair from a giant telescope (how does a telescope KEEP showing up this season?) and Lauren B. reports that they are "Titanic-ing" which is the greatest gerund of all time. Oh also, Maquel is back from her grandmother's funeral and she must have done the drive through funeral because that was QUICK.  


Arie and Chelsea sip champagne and then move from a yacht to a jet ski (talk about riches to rags) where Chelsea straddles the ugliest Bachelor in franchise history. 

She says that she wants Arie to think of her as more than a mom so she straddles him, but lemme tell ya, Chelsea, moms can straddle, too.  How do you think they became moms? (Shout out to all my mom friends out there--I hope that my Chelsea coverage hasn't seemed anti-mom--I am super pro-mom, just anti-holier-than-thou martyr Chelsea).  Chelsea says, "this is a dream boat... and I'm also with a dreamboat" and I could barely hold in my quiche (I HAVE BEEN EATING QUICHE FOR 10 DAYS STRAIGHT. #QUICHELIFE).  

That night over a red wine dinner in a car museum, Chelsea reveals that when she was 20, she married a much older man for his money, essentially, and he left her when their son was 6 months.  Ouch.  I hope that she gets good child support and alimony money out of her ex husband and I think she does because her hair is FANTASTIC--cut, color, style.  Also, while I find Chelsea to be somewhat boring, I like her taste in clothing and she's beautiful.  Her black low-cut jumpsuit look that night was fierce and Arie looked meh as always. The thing is, try as Chelsea might, she and Arie simply don't seem to have a ton of natural chemistry.  Everything she says feels like a lame intro line on the Real Housewives. I mean, Chelsea literally said, "I feel like I have the least I've ever had--but I feel like I have everything." Come on, girl. Is that a motivational quote you found on Pinterest?

Arie gives Chelsea a rose and they walk into another room where a D list faux country singer is crooning. Standard Bachelor date finale.

The next day is Baby Rizzo's dream date, BOWLING!! The crew on this group date is Maquel (who came back from the funeral with a face full of contouring make-up and highlighter), Krystal (this season's Vienna), Becca (brunette chick who seem scool), Bekah (Baby Rizzo who is able to tangle with bitches without losing her cool and I respect it), Jenna (blonde girl who seems FUN and DUUUUMB), Sienne (dark haired girl who seems FUN and SMART), Marikh (still no personality in sight!), Jacqueline (who?), and poker faced girl next door, Lauren B.

The crew rolls into a bowling alley (AYYYYOOOOOOO) and start putting back beers, bowling, and talking shit in a way that gives me dumb chills/secondhand embarrassment. After a few rounds of bowling for enjoyment, it's time for bowling for COMPETITION and the prize is that the winning team will get an afterparty and the losing team will, presumably, go back to their penthouse hotel suite and drink for free anyway.  The teams are the Pin Ups vs. the Spare Roses and goodness gracious I feel like I'm back watching Rock of Love with those names!!

Baby Rizzo is serving actual Rizzo realness in her 1950s style bowling shirt but the blue team hustles harder and wins the tournament. They are elated and can't stop shrieking as the pink team retires to the locker room. Arie realizes that he wants more time with ALL of the girls, so he informs everyone that EVERYONE is, in fact, invited to the afterparty. This pronouncement makes the pink team shriek with joy and makes Krystal LOSE HER SHIT.  Literally, moments before she had been clutching a trophy and making an unnecessary toast about how this journey isn't about breaking each other down, but about building each other up and then the minute she decides that she might be sharing the afterparty with some other women, she is RIPSHIT.

Krystal is emotionally immature, so she lashes out at this news, whines that the other women are on a lower level than her level (what does that even mean), claims that Arie is a liar and she doesn't trust him. The other women get ready for an afterparty, as you do when you're on a reality TV dating show and there is an opportunity to see the man who you supposedly like, while Krystal puts on a robe, packs her stuff, and--I guess--waits for Arie to catch wind that she's trying to play hard to get, and comes down to see her in her hotel room?

Krystal's moronic plan works (ugh ARIE WHY?) and after the other women arrive at the afterparty and inform him of Krystal's tantrum, he goes to her hotel room to "check on her." DUDE--if you have any self-respect and weren't taking orders from Producers for maximum drama and frustration, you would say "well, that's too bad that Krystal can't join us--perhaps I will see her at the rose ceremony tomorrow" and hang out with the women who got DRESSED UP and SHOWED up for you.

Arie and Krystal talk and Arie is NOT FEELING HER and you can tell. Krystal explains that she is angry because Arie changed the rules and didn't consult with the blue team (girl this isn't the friggin' Supreme Court--take it easy), that she grew up in a bowling alley (really? I mean, maybe, but also, come on--you grew up in a bowling alley, Annaliese was terrorized by bumper cars--what the heck is going on here?), and that her mother had a slew of boyfriends who would promise the world and then bounce and it gave her trust issues (OK, I WILL take that one into consideration but also, please stop being so dramatic about a dumb group date challenge, OK?).  Arie patiently listens to her and then explains that if she is feeling upset, she should TALK to him about it, that he can see that she is attempting to "team him a lesson" and he doesn't like it, and when she whisper purrs, "this is our first fight" he snaps back, "and it might be our last."  BOOM! Now THAT is a non-pussy Arie that I want to see more of!

Arie shakes it off and has snuggly, romantic 1:1 convos with Bekah, Kendall, Lauren B., and Becca. During all that, Krystal SHOWS UP TO THE AFTERPARTY (girl STOP STOP STOP you seem thirsty AF) and has a quick debate with Bekah then leaves again. Bekah makes some great points about the manipulation that Krystal is trying to pull and I appreciate it, even if she is a 22 year old bizarro Rizzo look alike who tweeted "All Lives Matter" and I'm not even kidding. Shout out to my college pal Emily Tranter who dug up this bizarro tweet.

At the end of the afterparty, Arie clutches the rose and says that it's great to have Maquel back, he's impressed that Kendall stood up for him (even if she wants to eat human meat), but Lauren B. gets the rose.

Finally, it's time for Tia's first 1:1 date and you can take the girl outta Arkansas but you can't take Arkansas outta the girl because their date activity is a BOAT RIDE and eating some grilled meats. Hey, I love it. Arie is in his awful uniform of navy shirt, light blue shorts, shoes that I want to beat him with while Tia rocks a red, vintage-style top (bathing suit), jean shorts, and Keds (WTF, people?). They cruise around the Everglades then meet a kindly local character who welcomes them into his home to eat catfish and deep fried corn-on-the-cob.

Arie and Tia chat on a bench and discuss "frogging" and the fact that they both have beautiful eyes.

That night over dinner, Tia talks about getting her PhD, moving to Little Rock, Arkansas from her hometown, and the fact that you can't control what happens in life (amen).  Arie counters that by saying that he thinks he makes his own destiny, which is impossible because the point of destiny is that the protagonist doesn't really have agency in it and wouldja look at that--I'm using my English degree from Hamilton College right here in a Bachelor recap! Life is magical!

Tia talks about how her faith is important to her and I admire her candor because Arie is NOT into religion, it seems, and then almost starts crying as she says, "you make me feel deserving of this opportunity" and HOO BOY Tia, you are speaking my language.  Building and nurturing feelings of entitlement and feeling deserving of things (love, jobs, opportunities, intimacy) are really difficult and I was heartened to see her put these sentiments out there.  They make out HARD and Tia gets a rose.

Finally it's cocktail party time and Chelsea, Lauren B. and Tia already have roses. Bekah's outfit is ON POINT--white bustier thing, black leather skirt, platform heels. Kendall plays a game with Arie and reveals that she would like to eat human meat "as a curiosity!" Krystal says that she knows she will be attacked if she talks to everyone in the group (you made this bed, woman!) so she invites women to talk to her 1:1 (what IS this? Free advice?) and Kendall takes her up on it, as do Tia and Bekah. Krystal tries to defend her tantrum and refuses to accept any blame, citing her PAIN BODIES being triggered (hoo boy is this an overrated Eckhart Tolle book?) and sits in silence when Bekah repeatedly exclaims, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?" In an interview, Krystal repeats her mantra that these girls don't operate her level and then she mimes throwing glitter at them, which is truly a monstrous thing to do because glitter goes EVERYWHERE and truly does NOT come out.

While all this is going down, Arie and Jacqueline are canoodling and apparently she's a psychologist from NYC who is a race fan, plus she "embraces life" and has "no ego." Sure, Arie.  In their alone time, Krystal tells Arie that "struggles make us stronger" which sounds like a 12 step mantra (no shade) and Arie says that THIS PART--the free jet setting, the excitement--THIS should be the easy party and that she needs to think through her responses. Hell yeah, Arie!

Finally it's rose ceremony time. We know Chelsea (love that yellow dress), Lauren B., and Tia are safe. Who is safe and who will be heading home to sell teeth whiteners on Instagram?

-Bekah: love that outfit but she COULD have also had a necklace on there maybe? Or would that disrupt the clear clavicle action?
-Sienne: hair down, thin gold choker, floral patterned off-the-shoulder thing--good stuff.
-Kendall: hair down, flowered dress, always craving human meat.
-Becca: orange dress, hair in a low bun, never making drama, always having fun.
-Jacqueline: big hair, light dusty blue dress that I don't love.
-Jenna: blue dress, big statement necklace and hair to one side. She seems like fun but perhaps not boring enough for Arie.
-Krystal: UGH UGH UGH. She's wearing a light pink/blush dress with a strange neckline and producers no doubt FORCED Arie to keep her around so that she will sow discord among the women. Oof.

So who is going home to fire up their Instagrams and peddle sunglasses to Bachelor Nation?
-Maquel: who looks gorgeous and whose hair/make-up were always on point, but WOW how embarrassing to RACE through grandma's funeral so that you can get back to your reality TV dating show, only go get NEGGED!? Ha. This show is truly amazing.
-Ashley: it seemed like perhaps she and Arie never fully clicked and I just wish she had caked on the make-up a little more beneath those TV lights.
-Marikh: gives him a quick kiss goodbye and says "nice meeting you" which feels hilarious after, what, 5 weeks? They didn't seem to click, either.

Next week we leave the USA for Paris, France where Krystal will go off the rails, as usual. Will the gang eat frogs legs? Will Kendall eat human meat? Will Krystal whisper talk and blow out her vocal chords? We'll find out Monday!

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