As usual, I’m late. The usual—I was busy crushing the comedy scene from Boston to LA and everywhere in between, cruising on a MegaBus (with a reserved seat that cost me an extra dollar because I’m a frigging VIP) so I didn’t watch The Bachelor on Monday night, but rather on Tuesday night and I only got through an hour and 35 minutes that night, then the rest today (Saturday). But let’s get into it while we can, shall we?
Arie is with 10 remaining ladies in the city of love, Paris, France! The 10 gals are crashing in a floating, commie Russia-style tanker that Tia says is “very Parisien” and I guess she has never been to Berlin because I could see a German thrash metal band holding it DOWN in that boat, but not Paris natives. Arie tells Chris Harrison that, “this week is really important” for probably the 6th week in a row. Everybody hates Krystal (except for Krystal) and they are all fired up for a big week: two 1:1 dates, a group date, and the dreaded and infamous 2:1. Awwww snap mama loves a 2:1!
The first date is for Lauren “is there a personality in there somewhere?” B. and she looks cute—greyish/blue-ish patterned romper (shorts romper to show off her STEMS and OMG I hate the word “stems” for legs, don’t you?) and tan heels, hair down. Arie is in a blue button down and black pants because he is deathly allergic to dressing like he wants to get puss. When he does that, he breaks out in a rash so he is FORCED to wear Tom’s shoes (barf) and shirt/pants combos that don’t go together—doctor’s orders!
For their date, they hop in a gorgeous wooden boat (George Clooney style!) and cruise off along the Seine as the 9 other women watch and smile as they choke back tears. God I love this show. Arie remarks that, “she is so beautiful and even though I don’t know much about her, spending time with her makes me happy.” Well, Arie boy, you may soon learn that there isn’t much TO KNOW.
They hop off the boat once they are out of eyeshot of the women (probably) and walk a lovely Parisian market as Arie refers to every damn thing as “so pretty” and Lauren B. says “WOW” enough that I think she might be in a Joey Lawrence impression contest but she’s crashing and burning because she got his catchphrase wrong.
They sit on a bench and Arie grovels, saying, LITERALLY, “I would like more than anything for you to like me… I’m also searching for reassurance.” Dude you are SO THIRSTY! Goodness gracious are you not The Bachelor! Are you having a crisis of conscience, failed race car driver? I mean, you should because these women are out of your league but DON’T LET ON THAT YOU KNOW THAT! Lauren smiles at these comments and does NOT tell him she likes him OR give him reassurance. WOW!! Neg game is STRONG for Lauren B. and it’s probably the only time I have cheered for her. Lauren is smiley but cold—those are moves straight outta The Rules.
That night they get dressed up and Lauren looks sexy AF in a slinky velvet, maroon-ish dress and heels while Arie sports a schlubby suit without a tie and GOOD LORD Arie, I have seen more consistently put together managers at the Red Lobster in Times Square (it’s a bad RL, but it gets the job done). Over dinner drinks Lauren B. reveals that she's very guarded because she got engaged and post-engagement her fiancee turned into a total dick (yikes) and Arie tops her by sharing that he once dated a woman who got pregnant with his child and they were ready to settle down (seemingly?), then she had a miscarriage AND dumped him in dramatic fashion. Ouch. Arie gives Lauren B. a rose and she expresses her excitement by saying, totally deadpan, "wow this is huge."
Up next is a group date at Moulin Rouge and the ladies get done up in sparkly, sequined showgirls outfits while Arie looks like a complete schlub in a black T-shirt and jeans. We learn that Sienne is a trained dancer, Tia is incapable of being sexy onstage, and Jenna is like a golden retriever in human form ("Arie is the most gorgeous ma alive!").
After a few minutes of "auditioning" (in the form of walking?) in showgirl costumes, the ladies change into yet another outfit for the "after party" (after WHAT, exactly?) and I'm LOVING some of these looks. Bekah wears a black bustier with a cool choker (very on-brand for the venue), Sienne is in a super lacy, linger-looking dress, Tia rocks a bold lip and a filmy, polka dot dress thing and I remember some crushed, metallic velvet in there, too. Meanwhile Arie is in dark pants and a MAROON T-SHIRT. Sweet baby Jesu, Arie, could you DRESS for the occasion!??!!?
In their alone time, Arie makes an obviously stolen joke, "is a French kiss in France just a kiss?" before making out with Bekah who is charming the pants off of him and playing him like a fiddle in the Dave Matthews Band (God remember that? We would legit be ROCKING OUT to music that included a fiddle). They talk about the "potential" between them which is completely bonkers because she's 22 and he's 36. What, the potential for her to have a 25th birthday party while he's pushing 40?
Arie gives the group date rose to Bekah, which means that she gets to put on a costume and walk with him onstage during the ACTUAL show at the Moulin Rouge. Good thing that "role" requires ZERO talent, dancing skill, charisma because Arie aint got any of those! Arie looks like a spooky circus trainer in a top hat, suit, and cape while Bekah looks like a bizarro Betty Boop in a blue get-up and blood wig. The other women are forced to watch like some kind of mafia hit in which a guy is punished by having to watch his family get murdered in front of him.
Up next is the infamous 2:1 date and the unlucky participants are Kendall and Krystal. With a 2:1, one gal is definitely being sent home but often BOTH are rejected because some Bachelors are hella efficient.
Krystal is knee deep in her pool of delusion and is GLOATING about being taken on the 2:1 date, bargain that she's "wife material" (then, did I hear that right, "farm wife" material??) and that somehow, this is DESTINY (destiny isn't always a GOOD thing, my friend). Krystal rocks high waist, white formal pants that appear to have darts and I do NOT get it, a crushed velvet tank top (sorta cute but also weird choice) while Kendall wears a patterned dress thing that isn't cute enough for her.
They meet Arie at a French estate where he is, as always, ugly and underdressed, rocking a gingham shirt, light jeans, and casual sneakers. Goddamnit Arie, you are in a French mansion that was probably built before America was goddamn founded--would it KILL you to wear a pair of khakis?
The ladies wander around a hedge maze trying to find Arie (IT'S A SUBTLE METAPHOR, GET IT?) then have drinks and bask in the gorgeous, French sunlight. He has 1:1 time with each gal and Krystal uses hers to baby talk about how much Kendall isn't ready for love (cool move, psycho) and insist that it's "God's plan" that they got into a fight in a bowling alley. Oh yeah lady, the Lord works in mysterious ways and sometimes you can see his all-powerful machinations from inside an abandoned bowling alley--no doubt. She NEVER apologizes for badmouthing him (of course she doesn't--she's like a female Trump).
During her 1:1 time with Arie, Kendall says something surprisingly astute for an adult who plays the ukulele: being ready for marriage isn't about the TIME, it's about the person. She says this in defense of herself after Arie reports that Krystal said that Kendall isn't "ready for marriage" because her longest relationship was 10 months and she's damn right! My longest relationship is 6 months because I'm wholly incapable of picking appropriate partners, but I'd be down to marry if the right dude came around.
Kendall's very savvy and she pinpoints Krystal's issues: this is mostly just about winning for Krystal, when Krystal gets backed into a corner she doesn't apologize or calm down, she lashes out at others, and closing with this gem, "saying the thing that is hurtful doesn't mean you win, it just means you hurt someone." While they are sitting together, Kendall lays it on THICK with Krystal (saying, "there is so much beauty in there--you need to stop trying to control things and just let yourself be real") and I truly believe that she was being genuine with her, but Krystal is offended by it.
Arie sits between the ladies and clutches a rose but claims that he can't make a decision, which is hilarious and no doubt the Producers forced him to pretend to be unsure about Krystal so that he could dump her in a more dramatic location--in a restaurant looking onto the Eiffel Tower at night. If you're going to dump, dump somewhere with a view, bro!
Krystal looks gorgeous in a snug, white dress and Kendall could look better than her patterned, dark dress that isn't sexy at all. Arie is in a suit and no tie because he's allergic to looking good. They sip wine in a restaurant with a KILLER view of the Eiffel Tower and Arie talks to Kendall 1:1, returns to the table, and is ready to hand the rose to one girl. Ha! The Producers definitely told him to wait until they got to this location to dump Krystal. As Arie offers the rose to Kendall, Krystal is smiling wide and nodding, which is extremely creepy. He is very gracious to her, though, saying that this was a hard decision (ha) and then simply WALKING OUT with Kendall on his arm. Oh man, the 2:1 exit is always BRUTAL! Add this to the archive of infamous 2:1 exits that includes 2 gals being left in the Badlands in Texas, that girl Olivia being ditched on a windswept tropical island as the helicopter flew away from her, and now Krystal staring at the Eiffel Tower in the city of love as she processes her heartbreak.
Meanwhile, back in the industrial floating brothel, the ladies watch a Producer retrieve Krystal's bag and POP THAT BUBBLY!
Finally, Jacqueline gets her long overdue 1:1 date and she spends most of their daytime shopping/drinking date extremely nervous and also, seemingly, drunk. Arie picks her up in a PIMP, red convertible (Triumph) which promptly breaks down (ha). They take a cab to a high-end clothing store where they sip bubbly and shop and Jacqueline ends up in a super bland, plain, black dress! Paris Fashion Week aint got nothing on how plain this dress is!
They walk to Maxims where they sit down for a dinner of whiskey (nice) and Jacqueline confesses that she has 6 years left in working toward a PhD and that is her chose path, but she really likes Arie. Arie admits that he thought that perhaps she was too intelligent for him (dude can't dress but I appreciate his honesty there) and says that he doesn't want to hold her back or ask her to sacrifice her dreams for him. Just when you think they are going to make the smart move and decide to call it off, Arie hands her a rose and says that he wants to "see where it goes." Then they head up a flight of stairs to make out HARD surrounded by green walls.
Finally, it's rose ceremony time and heading into this, Jacqueline, Kendall, Bekah, and Lauren B. already have roses so they are safe. If I were one of them I'd roll up to the rose ceremony in sweatpants and be like, "I'm off the clock, assholes!"
Who gets picked and who gets sent home to become an Instagram celebrity? Roses go to....
-Tia: rocking a sparkly, disco delight jumper thing
-Sienne: sporting a super low cut black dress and delicate jewelry
-Becca: looking beautiful in a dark blue, flowy gown with major slit action.
So heading home are:
-Jenna: who looks gorgeous in a sexy, slinky black dress with sparkly neckline but it never felt like she and Arie had much connection. I mean, they're both pretty dumb but perhaps she's a tiny bit thicker than he is.
-Chelsea: WOA MAMA is going home!!! Chelsea looks cute in a flirty, black cocktail dress thing and tan heels, but that can't save her. I think that SHE thought that she and Arie had a connection but they definitely didn't. I'm a little surprised that he didn't pull her aside in the advance of the rose ceremony, though. I bet that she thought that if he was going to send her home, he'd do her the solid of telling her 1:1 alone but HAHAH SORRY, GIRL, NO WAY!
Next week we (hahah THEY--right?) head to Tuscany and Lauren B. experiences insecurity as though every other woman there isn't ALSO going through the same thing.