Bachelorette Clare Ep 3: Tunnel Vision

In Bachelor Nation, we like to joke that Chris Harrison claims that THIS SEASON is the most dramatic season yet and he says that EVERY SEASON but THIS time around, he might be right. 

I don't think I quite have it in me to write a traditional recap (general Pandy Times anxiety, weird tension I have had in my neck and calf since early voting started, my personal worry that I'll have to wait in line 3.5 hours to vote--the standard time at my polling place--and won't have access to a bathroom at all) SO, I'll just share my hot takes with you, dear reader. 

YOSEF 

Oh dude, fuck you. Fuuuuck you. As of this episode, Yosef has attended 2 pre-rose ceremony cocktail parties and he has completely derailed each one.  He approaches Clare looking for a fight (which is always a bad look and a style of engagement that truly makes me fearful of the guy), demands an audience with her, then trots out his prepared remarks about the strip dodgeball game (an activity that he DID NOT DO! He was not on that date! And THIS is why! Producers actually DO pay attention to who will enjoy what date activity).  He says how this experience is so hard for him BECAUSE HE HAS A DAUGHTER and ever moment he is in Palm Springs, he is not with his daughter.  Yes, that is how time works, guy.  EVERYONE left their lives behind for this and you don't have any MORE important or worthy things that you are missing than anyone else does.  If you feel like this is a waste of time, you can bounce!  You don't need to ream Clare out for some BIG, TRIUMPHANT exit.  Because it may be big, but it's not triumphant.  Every sentence he said came off as needlessly cruel and VERY angry.  He strikes me as a guy who is unhappy with his own life choices and he can't bring himself to look inward, so he lashes out at others, and, specifically, at women.  I can't wait to see if they do a MEN TELL ALL special and the way that this guy shows his face in public again. 

He says "remember, you're almost 40, Clare" and makes repeated snide comments that she's THE OLDEST BACHELORETTE EVER as if that's something to be ashamed off.  Men like him, when scared, will always fall back on the standard misogyny insult line: she's old, she's crazy.  He taps into a major insecurity ("everyone here is just appeasing you") and essentially gets chased out by the other men--men who are gentlemen and all say that he was out-of-line and completely inappropriate.  My heart really went out to Clare as she was fighting with Yosef--that argument got DIRTY and MEAN and I know how it feels to be completely ON YOUR OWN and you have to defend yourself to a grown man who is screaming at you and insulting you.  It's terrifying.  

After all that, Dale comforts Clare especially well, and of course he does: he has 4 sisters and was raised by women!  Honestly, dudes like that are usually SUPER perceptive to how a woman might be feeling.  Throughout the episode, Dale refers to "verbal abuse" and the way those insults stay on your mind and leave scars and I was screaming, "YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT, DALE!"  More on Dale later. 

Worth noting: Riley knew that Yosef sucked from the start and was vocal that Yosef sucks.  Points for Riley. 

Clare goes away for a while to collect herself, then conducts a delayed rose ceremony that is pretty standard stuff.  Three guys are sent home: a dude with very tall hair, a guy with a sorta snake-ish look, and Garin, college Professor (USC!) and journalist who I have been rooting for because he seems super solid and his Instagram is lovely.  What a loss! 

Throughout this episode, things didn't run on schedule--did you notice that as a recurring theme?  The rose ceremony was LATE at night b/c of the Yosef drama. Then the next day, a crew of guys are ready to go for a daytime group date and they are given NO information on when they will be leaving, so are stuck waiting in the living room, "ready to go" for HOURS!  Finally Clare shows up and is like, "we'll just do a cocktail party, OK?"  Why not tell them that hours back?  Dudes could nap or chill or swim!  

While the dudes were stuck waiting around, Clare and DeAnna (former Bachelorette 12 years back) chat about the guys and Clare is ALL DALE, ALL DAY.  Normally these "look, we're friends!" conversations happen, and the protagonist will gush over a few of the guys, plus DeAnna might have a chance to hang out with them poolside.  But instead, Clare talks about how it was love-at-first-sight with Dale, how she sleeps with his pants over her face (I AM NOT KIDDING), and mentions no one else in the harem of dudes. 

At the start of the group date that night, Dale gives a semi-patronizing speech (which Riley hilariously calls a "Band of Brothers" speech) and initiates a group hug and it all just feels like, dude are you a fellow contestant here or are you the new Chris Harrison?  I think that Dale IS smart about how people are feeling and he's attempting to create a feeling of community BUT it's not his job to do that, it sorta usurps Clare's position, and it's condescending as hell to the other guys! 

Clare and Dale walk off hand-in-hand to talk ("just 5 minutes!" Dale had claimed) and rather than remaining in the outdoor area on a bench or something, they go off TO HER PLACE and, specifically, to her BEDROOM for ALMOST AN HOUR.  ALMOST AN HOUR!! Good Lord!  Look, I am a Bachelor die-hard and I waste SO much brain space with stupid minutiae about this damn franchise, its traditions and characters, but this is not OK and not normal.  YET ALSO I can totally get why Clare is falling for Dale so hard!  He is super handsome but more than that, he's supportive, thoughtful, and tender with her.  For many, many years I dated so many dudes and casual dating, or even not-so-casual dating can leave you defensive and lonely.  I got stood up a few times, insulted, ghosted, mislead, and humiliated and it really made me defensive toward ANY guy, which made it even harder to let a good one in.  So when you find a good one and he serves up the catnip of "I'm proud of you" and "I have your back," you're going to jump in HARD.  BUT I wish that Clare had a bit more confidence in herself, which I think would enable her to appreciate Dale's affection, but also keep DALE on his toes by flirting with and paying attention to the other men.  

I blame the destruction of this season on 2 things: Clare and The Producers.  Clare is off-the-rails, never seemed to have a fully open mind and open heart to non-Dale participants, and she is being disrespectful to these guys who left a lot back at home to be here (you still suck, though, Yosef).  And The Producers aren't wrangling her well enough. Dates are running late or not even happening and the Bachelorette is wandering off for hours at a time.  This season is difficult and unprecedented: they are stuck at this resort and really cannot GO anywhere, DO anything, or interact with other people, so I have sympathy for how the team behind the show is SCRAMBLING and dealing with unpredictable issues. That said, the Producers need to control this and force Clare to spend more time with each guy.  I felt like Chris Harrison talking with Clare 1:1 (start of episode) and DeAnna talking to her were moves to try and get a sense of WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? 

Once the other guys on the group date pried Clare and Dale apart, some guys started having 1:1 time with her and then we see a clip of Clare asking the Producers, "can we kind hurry the rest along?" which is a BAD LOOK for Clare, and very duplicitous of the show to air (so, par for the course).  I think that the show wants to expose Clare at this point.  During Jojo's season, they were able to sort of hide Jojo's obvious crush on Jordan because Jojo had SOME interest in the other guys. With Clare, the Producers can't hide it b/c Clare talks about Dale constantly.  

Riley, Eazy, Chasen, and Jason all gave Dale some grief for how he behaved and I appreciate those guys for it.  Jason went FULL LONG ISLAND when he literally said, "you think you're better than me?" to Dale and flipped off the camera.  Jason, are you sure you're from Long Island and not Boston?? 

The next day, Zach J. (aka FART BOX) has a 1:1 date and it's hard to watch because he's so hopeful and naive.  Gosh this season has SO MANY additional, odd layers happening and it's FASCINATING to watch and keeps the franchise fresh and unpredictable, but it's truly VERY cruel to these men.  Zach J. comes off as very sweet and likable during this date, if a bit simple?  They get pedicures, Clare reveals that she's not at all ticklish (weird?), then they go swimming and KISSGATE goes down.  Lord did you see that bizarro kiss attempt/abort?? They were swimming and Clare went to get out of the pool and leaned in to kiss Zach J and she leaned in 80% toward him and I expected him to pop up that last 20% but he just STOOD THERE and did NOTHING, so Clare high-tailed it outta there in a cloud of uncomfortable giggles and "let's get ready for dinner" requests.  Again, and I DO feel bad for Clare here as she navigate these feelings, but when you aren't just relaxed and curious about a guy, but rather feeling a bit wounded or defensive or unexcited, then you take a chance like leaning in for a kiss, it makes the perceived rejection TEN TIMES WORSE.  Oh man I have walked this road.  My old roommate Liz used to tell me that I had a tendency to perceive EVERYTHING as rejection (and then she handed me START WHERE YOU ARE by Pema Chodron and saved my life) and I see Clare doing there here, too, somewhat.  

I think that Clare is feeling wounded by a few of the men and she perceives Dale as her supportive, safe place to land, and all of the other guys are just collateral damage. 

Of course, there IS no dinner after all.  Poor Fart Box gets cleaned up and then sits there waiting for Clare to arrive for diner, but Chris Harrison shows up and sends him home instead.  Again, UNPRECEDENTED.  I don't think that Chris has EVER doing the sending home in this way.  I would think that it's a breach of contract, to be specific.  And that leads me to the end of this show/season: I think the issue ends up being that by disregarding the other men and not participating in many dates and such, Clare is breaching her contract with ABC.  And my hunch is that while she WANTS to simply be with Dale, she ends up being upset when Chris Harrison/the Producers are like, "we cannot continue this season and you are breaching your contract."  

The back half of this episode features a Bachelorette Roast (with guest star Margaret Cho who RULES) during which, every guy GOES IN ON Dale (who is in the audience since they are all trapped in this bonkers hellscape resort) but no one goes in harder than Old Timey Oil Baron, Bennett.  Bennett KILLED me here!  Way to go, dude.  You're more than just a Harvard jag! 

In a move that we standups call "every bachelorette party who shows up at a comedy show," Clare insists that she wants the guys to "come at me with some good material" then leaves the show practically in tears.  She feels defensive for Dale over all those roast jokes and then refers to him as her "fiancee" to Producers and I thiiiiink we're done here.  During the afterparty, Clare spends the entire night asking each non-Dale guy what they think of Dale and the guys are finally seeing the writing on the wall and are understandably pissed.  Well, everyone sees it except for Bennett who talks to Boy Band Manager Kenny (does Kenny own a single shirt that isn't open to his belly button??) and he insists that, "No, no, Clare is open to us!  She has an open heart."  Oh Bennett--you're that classic dude who is book smart but real world DUMB.  Not everything is a theoretical construct to be studied abstractly--some things are FELT and just perceived, if you have the skills to do so.  

Clare and her yellow, sparkly dress sit there among the guys and she clutches the date rose at a bizarrely high height (eye line for the camera I guess?), but Clare opts NOT TO GIVE IT TO ANY OF THEM, saying that they didn't give her QUITE what she needed that night and PLEASE JUST MAKE IT STOP!! My heart is breaking for ALL of these guys, even dolt Bennett!! 

In a clip that will be used for generations to come as an example of the extreme danger of excessive self-love, Clare then does a talking head clip in which she PRESENTS THE ROSE TO HERSELF and is proud of herself for loving herself or not accepting bad treatment or some other such slight that she has convinced herself is happening, even though every guy there WANTED to treat her right and be with her, but she wouldn't let them.  It's a fascinating thing to watch, the way that people craft a narrative for who they are and how they get treated, and process every moment or interaction through that lens.  Perception is reality, baby, and if you are convinced that every guy is no good and doing you wrong, then, well, every guy will be no good and do you wrong.  

Next Tuesday, the shit goes down on The Bachelorette (to say nothing of the Presidential election) and I won't be watching until Wednesday because my BF and I are going out for his birthday that Tue.  My BF is the Dale to my Clare, ya know?  Hahaha what a bad metaphor!  

So the episode ends with Chris Harrison telling Clare that she blew up The Bachelorette, Clare being kicked out of the resort (it seems?), and Bachelor all-star knockout rad chick TAYSHIA springing out of a pool in a bikini!!! 

THIS IS THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON EVER!!

Bachelorette Clare Ep 2: Too Much Too Soon!

Hello, lovebugs! 

I'm back but late with this recap.  But what is "late" really? I write these for fun! There's no deadline! 

OK anyhoo. Last night's episode of The Bachelorette was... very intense.  We are only on WEEK 2 and already, Clare is trying to dig up HEAVY duty childhood trauma out of Jason (poor guy), encouraging competitiveness among the men, and processing a lot of her own issues on TV.  I don't think all of this is BAD, per se, it's just intense and somewhat unprecedented. 

Clare and the Boyz are at their resort in Palm Springs and most of the date and challenges take place during the nighttime, I imagine, because it's just so damn hot and bright out there in the daytime. I give the Producers a lot of credit--they are somewhat limited in date activities because of the pandemic, and they get creative with the spaces they have.  

The first date is a group date and the crew is Riley (yes!), Jordan, Yosef (woof), Ivan (cute), Ben (also cute), Bennett (50-something oil baron posing as a single, 30-something), Zach C (is growing on me somehow?), Zach J (Fart Ring), and Dale (of course).  The date is all about Love Languages, so the boys and Clare (who is in heels and shorts which is a CLUTCH look) say words of affirmation, explore physical touch, and gifts. Not a bad afternoon! 

Clare is thrilled to hear all of these kind words from the guys (she stands on a bizarro indoor Juliet balcony and they compliment her from below which was odd) but the whole exercise felt like "too much too soon" which I suppose is a theme for this entire season.  

The funniest scene of the show had to be when the group date guys BOLTED back to their rooms to get gifts for Clare and the rest of the crew playfully mocked them from the pool.  Dale's pants ripped, Bennett got made fun of, Garin imitated a funny walk, and Easy makes everything so much fun. 

At the Love Language Group Date afterparty, Clare was rocking a blue, one strap dress with an exposed zipper in the back and what is it about an exposed zipper!? I love them so! She did the classic Bachelorette arrival, plop down among the guys, have a toast, talk about the day, and then everyone sort of sat there until she PRODDED one of the guys to grab her and take her away for 1:1 conversation.  Of all people, Old Timey Tycoon BENNETT stepped up to the plate (God bless) and they walked away, but after just a few moments, Clare asked him to sit tight so that she could go back to the crew and dress them down for not grabbing her!! GIRL!  What is going on here?  This is NOT a good look and here are my thoughts: 

1. This show JUST started. This was group date #1 and I think these guys aren't fully into "man against man" stuff right now. They are all psyched to be AMONG OTHER GUY after weeks and weeks of quarantining. Don't take it personally if they aren't stabbing one another in the back just yet! 

2. When you talk about how awkward things are, you make them more awkward, Clare. Instead of being like, "is someone going to grab me?" you could have kept a group conversation going, asked some questions to the guys. 

3. That whole incident made Clare seem difficult and a lil dramatic, to be honest. And I hate to say that b/c I really dig her, but I think she should let the guys dive in when they feel comfortable pulling her aside. No guy wants to be TOLD "come after me," ya know? 

So she yells at the guys and then gets her wish (Dale whisks her away for 1:1 make-out time) and POOR BENNETT!! Is the dude sitting on a couch somewhere being like, "is Clare coming back?" hahhahah! What a mess. 

Oh, before Dale takes her away, some of the guys chime in and Yosef (who sucks) says that Clare is "crazy to think" that they aren't into her. Pro Tip, Yosef: don't call a woman crazy. Calling women "crazy" or "psycho" is the most favorite move of awful men. Avoid it. And don't "speak for the group" either. 

Oh also, Clare talks about how she went on Juan Pablo's season of The Bachelor to escape an abusive relationship and that in telling off Juan Pablo at the end of that nightmarish season (nightmarish because Juan Pablo SUUUUUCKS), she found herself.  She and Riley have a super cute dance and he lands the group date rose. 

The next day is the first 1:1 and Jason is the man of the hour. He's the dude who wore a fake pregnancy stomach on the first night and who has an "exotic" Long Island/New Hampshire accent, whatever that is.  She asks him to write a letter to his younger self before their FIRST DATE and HOLY MOLY what is going on here!?! I am a BIG fan of therapy and have processed a lot of shame, trauma, life stuff with 3 different therapists over the years, but I do NOT think that a FIRST DATE is the time to dive into family issues, trauma, and shame. And definitely not a first date that is ON TELEVISION. Yiiii.  Jason handled everything beautifully, though, rolling with the punches of the date and being vulnerable.  Bravo, Jason!  I hope your parents don't disown you after you told all of America that their marriage is NOT healthy and that you sleep around to avoid vulnerability! 

The Forced Intimacy In Joshua Tree tour wraps up with Clare BURNING the dress that she wore when Juan Pablo sent her home from his season of The Bachelor 6 years ago and I can see why this is cathartic for Clare, but why is Jason even present for this!? So much of this date felt like closure exercises FOR CLARE. For his evening spent screaming into the void in Joshua Tree National Park, Jason got a rose. 

The next day is a Strip Dodgeball game group date and COULD SOMEONE PLEASE GET SOME HEALTHY BOUNDARIES AROUND HERE? The whole thing was "sweaty fun" and by that I mean, "somewhat humiliating for everyone involved" and that includes the guys NOT on the date! When the blue team returned to the suite, defeated and holding their dicks, the rest of the guys had to sit with them and watch the throw pillows get covered in dick sweat. What is going on here!? 

Meanwhile the red team gets quality time with Clare, during which Chasen convinces me that he's a martian. He refers to himself in high school as a "hermit crab" and then says that he has "the goosebumps." Dude, the saying is a "hermit" and "goosebumps" (no THE). Are you an alien? 

Blake has finally stopped holding his dick long enough to shower, get dressed, comb his too-long beard, and show up at the afterparty that he's not invited to. Showing up at a party you weren't invited to? What are you, ME and SUZANNE during high school summers at backyard parties throughout Wayland??? ZIIIING US!! When you're hot, they let you do it! Wheeeee!!! Blake pisses off the dudes WHO ACTUALLY WON, get negged by Clare, and wanders off. 

Brandon, the bland but traditionally hot dude from Cleveland OH, attempts to talk to Clare but his claims that he went on the show "for her" ring false when the ONLY thing he knows about her is that she's beautiful.  I understand Clare's annoyance at that, but AGAIN, it felt like she made a mountain out of a molehill and made shit weird by sending him home! I get that she doesn't want to waste time and she knows what she wants, but why not learn a bit more about him before you decide he sucks? I dunno. Chasen, the alien attempting to learn about Earthling culture, gets the rose and his alien overlords back on Mars must be THRILLED!! 

Back at the suite, Yosef is referring to a date he wasn't on as "classless" and saying that it "left a bad taste in my mouth" which is rich coming from a dude who was macking on Insta chicks mere weeks ago. Yosef seems like a profoundly angry person who was probably a total womanizer, louse in his younger days but NOW THAT HE HAS A DAUGHTER he is ALL righteousness, all the time.  Do you know the type of guy I mean?  I think he will show his entire ass next week (METAPHORICALLY) and try to age shame Clare. 

But before this episode can end with a cliffhanger, we have a cocktail party to start!  Blake has cut his beard somewhat, so he looks less Amish and more "I'm living in my van for a couple a weeks while I get some shit sorted" and Clare pulls him aside to give him a rose after negging him HARD a mere night before. Clare looks gorgeous, as usual, in a sparkly floor-length silver dress, big earrings, and cleavage for days.  

So now the men with roses are Chasen (alien here to gain data on humans), Jason (open wound of newfound vulnerability), Riley (Boys II Men superfan but if only the show had licensed their music), and Beard Boi Blake. 

Tragically, the episode ends there and leaves us wondering WHO screams at Clare about being the oldest Bachelorette ever (probably Yosef b/c he's unhappy with his life choices and he's wading through some major self hatred and projecting it onto the men and Clare), and who will be Clare's next candidate for fireside therapy! We'll find out next week as Palm Springs Therapy House continues!! 

Anybody out there?

 Greetings, readers/friends/enemies/lurkers/jazzy cats! 

It has been EONS since I last posted.  I used to CRANK out Bachelor and Bachelorette recaps religiously and eventually, I just sorta ran out of steam.  This blog has done so many amazing things for me--it's how I got my book deal, it's how many people have found me, it's how I had enough friends know that I'm a part of Bachelor Nation to refer Bachelor-related writing my way and thus I had my work on Gawker (RIP I MISS YOU SO MUCH)--but I put it down for a bit because I was just exhausted.  And the recaps started to feel like an obligation and I felt like my writing was becoming formulaic and predictable.  

And now we're in a nightmare global pandemic and I'm working from the corner of my bedroom and feeling despondent and depressed some days, hopeful and calm other days.  It's all just a lot.  I'm sure it has been for you, dear reader.  I look forward to someday having something to look forward to. 

In early 2020 I was cranking on season 2 of my candle podcast, Two Wick Minimum.  I taught myself how to edit episodes and add opening music, I interviewed a bunch of wonderful candleheads, and I had an episode in the can that I still haven't released.  But then the Covid-19 pandemic hit and I just let myself STOP.  Stop creating, stop brainstorming, stop hustling.  I know many people who have simply been awash in such anxiety and fear, that any creative instinct is just GONE.  Completely.  I spent late March/April/May just trying to get through the day and do my job from this corner of my bedroom.  I have tried to focus on what I can control and not spiral too badly.  I've been doing lots of home improvement projects, cooking a bunch, and burning tons and tons of my beloved candles.  I started dating a wonderful guy in late January and we've been spending tons of time together, which has been a lifesaver.  

I have had no desire to do Zoom standup shows or create ANYTHING.  And I let myself feel those feelings.  I'm a big believer that you need to listen to your instincts and you need fallow periods to slow down and give yourself a break.  I have been running around the streets of NYC from comedy show to comedy show at night while working full time all day since I was 26.  In April, I turned 40 and it feels like a perfect time to switch gears and step away from the performing world (not that there IS performing world right now, but you know what I mean).  I'm proud of the how hard I hustled all those years and all the wonderful shows I created and contributed to and people I met.  

And all of this blathering and navel gazing brings us to: The Bachelorette returns tomorrow night! Yes, it's starting the season on a Tuesday which is BIZARRE because Bach has been my Monday night date for years and years, but whatever--embrace this change, Selena! Roll with it!  The Bachelorette this go-round is Clare and I dig her: she was on Juan Pablo's season and dealt with that louse, so she deserves this!  She's a knockout with a kind heart and she's at the age where she is likely TRULY looking to get married and settle down.  Oh yeah, that's another reason I stopped watching or writing about the show: I just couldn't stomach watching 24-year-olds claim that they are eager to get married.  Give me a break! Your 20s are a time to move around, work a few different jobs, date some ill-advised people, make mistakes, explore, fuck around and find out (am I even using that phrase right? No? OK, thanks).  

I'm going to watch this season and it sounds like there is DRAMA already and I am STARVED for drama these days!  I have no Hot Goss! I have no drama! I need more data for trash talking!! 

And in an effort to gently prod myself back into being creative or just creating, I'm going to plan to write recaps on here.  I'm trying to be gentle with myself about it, but I think that I NEED to give myself some projects and plans.  Maybe I'll write stuff on here just about life, too? This is life now.  We're stuck at home and we have no idea when this will end.  We live a strange limbo and need to do whatever we can to hold tight to hope or enjoy slivers of happiness. And creating makes me happy.  So I'm saying this here for the sake of accountability: I'm going to write recaps here AND even try to get Two Wick Minimum back on track.  We're all doing the best we can and it's important to "set yourself up for success" as my old boss used to say.  I think that creating will make me happy and help me emotionally.  

So, without further ado, let's get back to snarking on reality TV contestants who are clearly never there for the right reasons!! THE BITCH IS BACK (AND THE BITCH IS ME)!

Bachelor Colton Ep 5: The Mystery of Kirpa's Chin Injury

Hey lovebugs!

How are you doing? Are you in agreement with me and a sweetheart who I met at a Superbowl Party on Sunday night, that this season of The Bachelor is absolutely fantastic? People doubted Colton—they were weirded out by the "virgin bachelor" thing, they thought he was too bland, yet—against all odds—the alchemists behind this franchise have cooked up a HELLA good season, full of catfights, friendship, diversity, squashing of drama, stoking of drama, candid stories of sexual assault, heart-to-heart conversations about relationships and safety, and so much more. Honestly, it's been super refreshing and heartening to watch.

OK but let's get down to the recap!

On Monday night, Colton and 13 beautiful ladies who could probably find love more easily in ANY platform other than on a TV show, flew to THAILAND for a week of sweaty dates!

Heather (Never Been Kissed Jerry Hall look-alike) get the first 1:1 date and she meets Colton on a beach rocking a cute black one piece, short shorts, sandals, hair down, and a bold lip. Great look! Colton is dressed for a day of exploration and they cruise to a floating city where they shop in a marketplace and canoodle. At one point, Colton asks her,  "do you blow kisses," as if "never been kissed" means "never even BLOWN a kiss" which made me laugh. Oh Colton, I can't tell if you're funny or dumb but I like all of it.

While all this romance is going down, back at the hotel suite, redheaded "cougar" Elyse is spiraling and feeling anxious, sad, unsure. I can only imagine the way that this experience would do a number on you mentally.

Then we're back to LOTS of mouth close-ups (NO NO NO) and FEEDING (creepy).  Over dinner that evening (Colton in a pink button-down, Heather in a light pink dress and a tragically low number of accessories), Heather talks about how she dated a guy that she didn't much like for 8 MONTHS and never kissed him!! This was AFTER COLLEGE! Good Lord Heather, what is going on here!?

Post-liquid dinner, Colton and Heather walk to a beach where they stand by a fire and nearly jump out of their skin when fireworks go off, then they lean in together and Heather has her first kiss on national TV as Bachelor Nation cheers her on.  I am giving myself dumb chills for typing this, but the way that Colton gently held her face was really sweet and lovely. Oh man Colton, you've got me all bugaboo!

Back the hotel, Elyse is DONE UP for who knows what—a sultry night of "swimming in the ocean" (Juan Pablo season speak for HUMPS) when Colton returns from his date? A tearful conversation when Colton returns from his date? A night of ticklefights with the other women?

The ladies are all assembled when Has Been Kissed NOW Heather returns and she fills them in on her day, which is Elyse's cue to head out in search of Colton. Elye's look was like a knockout GHOST, with the ethereal layers of her barely-there, white/beige sundress.

Elyse knocks on Colton's door and he lets her in, then they sit down to talk. Elyse is already very emotional and she explains that she is having a hard time, this isn't about jealousy or insecurity (are we sure, girl?), but she knows that she cannot accept a proposal from him in just a few weeks. I get that, but also, Elyse, with all due respect, girl, aren't we getting a lil ahead of ourselves? But maybe not! Hey, if you know that you simply CANNOT be part of the thing that is truly THE POINT of this show, then I guess it's better to dip sooner than later. Also, wait, why did you come on the show in the first place?  Either way, Elyse bounces, cursing herself all the way home, which made me sad for her.

The next day, Colton has signature "I cried myself to sleep" puffy eyes (I know those when I see 'em cause sometimes I see 'em in the mirror BUT I AM FINE, dear readers) and the group date is a day of survival in the jungle and there is never a wrong time to share this gem:



The 10 ladies meet their shared BF in the jungle and Colton misses a prime opportunity to scream, "do you know where you are? You're in the jungle baby, and you're going to DIE" but maybe he didn't want to do that in front of jungle townie, Joe. Joe literally grew up in the jungle and he teaches the crew how to get water from trees, eat slugs and bugs, and dig up grubs. Yikes. Alabama Hanna is INTO IT and chows down like she's on Fear Factor.

Colton puts a snake on his shoulders, Britney-style and soon it's time for a competition.

Actual photo of Colton 

The crew splits up into 3 teams and each team must secure water, protein, and something else. Two teams manage to follow directions and take the challenge seriously (plus Tayshia is pretty slick in delegating tasks to the other members of her team so that her "task" can be smooching Colton) but one team decides to go a different route and think "outside the box" (the beloved refrain of people who think that rules don't apply to them) and "instead of thinking hard, think smart" (again GOOD LORD who is coming up with these phrases, is it deadbeat father Steve Jobs??? BLECH).  No no, it's not Steve Jobs, it's DEMI because THERE is a girl who will always go for cleverness over hard work. Double blech. Her team hops into the truck they arrived in, takes it back to their hotel, and gets burgers and bubbly as their "protein" and drinks. Am I taking this all too seriously that I truly found that move disrespectful to jungle townie Joe? Team #1 wins and their prize is...the respect of their peers?

That night at the afterparty, Demi looks like dog shit in yellow separates (white women can RARELY pull of yellow, people!), Tayshia looks ravishing in a red romper, Katie has a gold, drapey top that looks cool. Alabama Hannah is very cute and tells Colton that she's falling in love with him (she also mentions that she'd be a good fighter if a zombie apocalypse hit and this girl is my kinda crazy). Onyeka pulls Colton aside to drop a bombshell: Elyse told Onyeka that she talked to Nicole and Nicole said that she's just here to find opportunity and get out of Miami. 

Dude, Onyeka please SIT DOWN. You are forever in the thick of drama and your claims that you share this information with Colton "to protect him" ring false. So, we have the standard routine: Onyeka tells Colton this, he is crestfallen, he grabs Nicole and asks her directly, she denies it and is crestfallen, she returns to the group and confronts Onykeka AND ROUND AND ROUND WE GO!!!

HOW do these shit-stirrers not realize that the CARDINAL rule of Bachelor: if you are involved in drama in ANY respect (whether you are the supposed truth teller or the person being trashed), YOU have just secured your ticket home!!

Mark my words: Colton will send THEM BOTH home the next time he has a chance.

The one thing that occurred in this tangle that was refreshing was that Tayshia chimed in and defended Nicole, saying that she was present for this conversation (between now departed Elyse and Nicole and her) and that Nicole simply said that in life, you have to take advantage of opportunities and you never know what could happen and it could change your life. Tayshia is as solid friend to Nicole and it was nice to watch.

Alabama Hannah scores the group date rose and I hope Demi cried herself to sleep. (Am I too harsh on her? Good!)

The next day is Colton and Cassie's 1:1 and it's like a full day straddle. They make out and straddle in the water for hours. They aren't even talking or laughing much—just sorta intensely making out. That night they talk about how they feel like they have known each other forever, how she's a bit nervous because now her family will know she's not a virgin (ugh I hate sexuality shaming), and that they feel safe with each other. Cassie will be in the final 2, I bet.

But before we dive into the cocktail party, let's talk about the real star of episode 5: Kirpa's chin bandage!!

Throughout the episode, sweet Kirpa (who will NOT make it to hometowns, trust) rocks a chin bandage AND WE ARE NEVER TOLD WHAT HAPPENED! At first my roommate and I thought it was to cover a zit, but it KEPT showing up!! What is going on here!? Can we get an explanation, please!??! This was insanity!

Finally, it's cocktail party time but Onyeka and Nicole use it as BRAWL TIME. Oh man. Everyone else is flirting with Colton, sipping drinks, but Miami's spiciest export and Drama Queen Forever are GOING AT IT, to the point that Colton walks away from Katie to see what the fuss is all about.  Colton attempts to calm down the conversation (without saying the phase "calm down," thankfully because that phrase is like gasoline on a fire) and when they ignore him, he gets up and walks away in frustration. The girls are stunned by this, so they take a page from the Tiresome Idiot's playbook and BOTH CHASE HIM!! NOOOOO! 

Ladies, DO NOT chase a man. He is annoyed and exhausted and wants to be alone. Don't chase him for 2 reasons:

1. By walking away, he is setting a boundary and making it clear that he wants to be alone;
2. It's useless. Perhaps I am thinking about "not chasing" in broad terms, but a man either likes you or he doesn't, and you can't convince him and if you TRY to, it's sad, thirsty, and you will humiliate yourself AND it will not work. So if a guy doesn't like you or walks away from you, let it be, move on, and seek out a partner who DOES want to be with you.

But these 2 ladies can't hear my warnings, so they both follow him out and try to talk to him, prompting him to say "I'm over it" and walk to the beach alone. I'm wondering it the fence-jump that we saw in the season preview is about to happen.

We'll find out next week because the producers left us with a cliffhanger!! Bah! I can't wait to learn what happens! What do you think will happen, dear readers?

Bachelor Colton Ep 4: "Where Is Singapore?"

Hi lovebugs!

In commercials for Monday night's episode of The Bachelor, producers promised us an intense, shocking conversation between Caelynn and Colton and, based on what Caelynn said last week ("real life shit") I KNEW that this would be a conversation in which she told Colton about having been sexually assaulted/raped, and, heartbreakingly enough, I was correct. Ooof. I was impressed by how everyone handled those revelations—the franchise, the editors and producers, Colton, and most of all Caelyn. More on that soon, but I just want to share that I KNEW this is what it would be about, because it is a conversation that I have been forced to have with dates/boyfriends and it never gets any easier, but you want to speak your truth. Because what happened to you echoes throughout your life—especially in the context of romance and intimacy. And there's a feeling of, am I sharing this information too early? Or too late? So many men don't realize how horribly common sexual assault is and for that reason I think it is SO important for women to share their stories. As they say, shame blossoms in secret. Share your story. This isn't your shame to carry.

More on that later, for now, back to the snark.

We're down to 15 ladies and Chris Harrison arrives for a morning chat with the gals. He mixes up Alabama Hannah and her nemesis Caelynn (I thought all white women looked alike only at Starbucks—at least that's where it happens to me the most often), then informs them that they are ditching the STD Shack and hitting the road for SINGAPORE!! Hannah G (aka First Impression Rose) asks the question that they are all, no doubt, wondering through their joyful shrieks,

"WHERE IS SINGAPORE?"

Next we watch Colton wandering around Singapore alone marveling at "the lights... the buildings... it's definitely amazing" and his lack of specificity makes me wonder if ANY of the producers bothered to tell him ANYTHING about Singapore.

The 15 Lady Posse posts up in a hotel suite and Tayshia scores the first date of the trip, a 1:1 of beach exploration, conquering fears (OF COURSE), and dinner.  While she is out, the other 14 gals had better work on their poker faces because they are NOT good at masking disappointment.

They meet on the beach with Colton in a long shorts and a light top and Tayshia rocking white short shorts, a maroon blouse, and white sneakers that she promptly ruins because she and Colton don't understand how tides work. They hold hands and then decide to ignore their fears and bungy jump. Ooof. Bungy jumping looks like hell or at least, paying a lot of money to get whiplash. No thank you. They do it, both look like absolute shit while doing it (the way Colton jumped? YIKES, BRO), and bond over having conquered their fears, blah blah blah. Then they strip down (Colton in swim trunks, Tayshia in a smoking hot red one piece with cut-outs), swim, make out, and canoodle.

That night over liquid dinner (Tayshia in a basic bish black cocktail dress, Colton in a white button down) Tayshia reveals that she got a divorce within the past year and that experience made her fearless or something. I'm sure it did, but MAN OH MAN I get tired of seeing the producers fingerprints all over these dates. You can practically hear them coaching the girls, "OK think of a hard time you went through and tell that story BUT BE SURE to end on an uplifting note about how X experience made you fearless and stronger etc."



Tayshia scoresa  rose.

The next day is a group date and the gang is Hannah G. (first date rose, not so good at geography), Elyse (redheaded "cougar"), Kirpa (cute, funny, slow burn), Sydney (also seems cool but not a major player), Heather (reincarnated Jerry Hall—wait, Jerry Hall isn't dead. Whatever. You know what I mean), Onyeka (involved in less drama than before and I'm glad), Tracy (whose forehead rarely moves, which weirds me out), Nicole (Miami mama who seems cool as hell), Demi (Like a Tomi Lahren Bratz Doll), Courtney (Georgia peach), Katie (cool chick who Colton DIGS), Cassie (cool chick who Colton DIGS), Hannah B (Alabama Hannah who is getting a bad edit, I am convinced!).

That means that Caelynn is getting the final 1:1 in Singapore and, because she has ZERO grace, Demi immediately proclaims, "I don't know about you all, but it's frustrating to see this drama between you and Hannah get more of his time." Hannah and Caelynn both just wisely sit there, and Demi needs to learn when to keep her mouth shut. Good LORD is she a true 23-year-old.

The group date looks annoying—Demi is pushy and tiresome and the group gets leeches put on their bodies and eats odd animal parts. No thank you. Also, Demi truly looks like a child and I think it creeps out Colton.

That night at the afterparty, Hannah grabs Colton immediately (eat it, Demi) and talks to him about how she is trying to stay positive but she feels that she has been misrepresented and he needs to trust that she is a woman of character. She ends with "I need to know you who who I am. I want to make sure we're OK."

Friends, I LITERALLY APPLAUDED HER!! Hannah was sorta floundering last week and I worried that she simply couldn't express her feelings, but this was PERFECT!! And WOOOOW I want to hold onto those lines and feelings for future use. I love how she put it: I need you to know who I am, I want to make sure we're OK. Simple as that! No need to talk Caelynn or drag out old drama—just simply, I don't want to be misunderstood. Hell yeah, Hannah.  Also, as she says this, she's wearing a killer fuscia, silk romper and I LOVE that look! Colton totally gets it, says that he had been feeling frustrated because he likes her so much, and we're back in action! Hell yeah!

Colton has sexy flirty make-out time with Cassie (so cute) and Katie, Hannah B, and Sydney, while Courtney seems to sit on the couch and wait her turn. I get that and I admire that she's mindful of not stepping on toes, but lady, you gotta TRY to get the guy.

While Courtney spirals on the couches with the other women, Demi robotically shares the revelation that her mother is in federal prison and that's sad. I'm sorry but I think this girl is a sociopath and I aint got time.

Later, after much friendly prodding from the other ladies, Courtney goes in search of Colton and ends up talking to Tomi Lahren Bratz Doll, Demi, and the passive aggression is THICK! Woooow. Demi is hella tacky and graceless, but Courtney is acting a lil lazy about pursuing Colton and is getting too focused on the drama. Focus on the dude!

At the end of the date, Colton reward Demi's vulnerability (barf) by giving her a rose, which she receives like it's a goddamn Emmy and she's a veteran actress who is FINALLY getting her due.

Is Thandie Newton or Demi getting a group date rose?

The next day, Caelynn and Colton have a Pretty Woman-inspired date (BARF! That is a "beloved" movie AND NOW ALSO A BROADWAY MUSICAL that is about a woman selling her body and how that's somehow ROMANTIC because she's actually SMART—can you believe it?—and gorgeous underneath her streetwalker getup) during which they take a Rolls Royce to the Rodeo Drive of Singapore and Caelynn tries on dress after dress, with the HILARIOUS shop attendant giving AMAZING color commentary ("Jennifer Lopez, eat your heart out!").

She returns to the hotel to make the other women cry as she shows off her purchases, then she meets Colton for dinner and conversation.  That is where she shares the story of how, 4 years ago, she and 2 of her friends went to a party, were given drinks that had been dosed with roofies, they were all raped, and the entire thing was all photographed/Snapchatted.

Holy shit, I know.

I was expecting this, but her story was worse than I had imagined. Colton simply listens (THAT IS THE RIGHT MOVE, MY MAN). Caelynn shares further that the tried to have a rape kit done and was turned away at the hospital (that is illegal) and that she tried to get justice, but the men got away with it and the only one who got in trouble was simply expelled from their college.

She talks about her feelings of shame, guilt, how it has messed up romance and intimacy for her in many ways, how she didn't tell her mother for an entire year.  All of this is so familiar to me, as I reacted very much the same way to my experience back when I was 16 (and my experience was NOT at all as awful as hers). I only shared the story with my parents a few years ago, and I'm 38. It really does a number on you.

Oh man. I love The Bachelor so much, for all its faults and silliness, and THIS conversation is so much of why. Once in a while, they'll let someone share an experience that is so upsetting but also, so common. And they just let that person speak. Caelynn was given permission to share her story and all of its horrifying details. She shared her story with such poise and grace and one thing that struck me is that she wanted justice, she sought justice, and she never got it. She had to find closure/resolution for herself and figure out a way through. I give her SO much credit for saying it out loud and refusing to be ashamed or embarrassed by what happened. And I also give credit to victims/survivors who don't want to share—that is OK, too. You do what works for you and what works for you can change, too.

Colton says 2 things that literally made me get a little weepy up in how damn perfect they were:

1. He asks her what helped her get through it, which was such a thoughtful question. He wasn't like, "please bleed for me more, please perform your trauma for me more," but rather he was like, I hear you, I care, and I'm curious how you got through that.
2. He immediately tells her, "I want you to know that with me, you're safe."

Oh man. That's the right thing to say, Colton. Thank you. So much of how experiences of sexual trauma echo in your life is in feelings of being unsafe, feelings of not knowing who wants to do you harm, who you can depend on to not be scared of your story. In my life, I think that it has manifested in the "type" of guy I date (scary looking/extremely large and intimidating) because I need to feel safe and protected after what happened to me. And maybe it's a cop out, but it's what I need. And I'm allowed to ask for what I need and seek what I need to feel OK. And can you tell that I've done a lot of therapy? Hahaha. Life!

OK enough about me—let's get back to the light stuff.

Caelynn gets a rose and honestly, I think she'll end up in the top 3 at least.

It's cocktail party time and Demi is chock full of unsolicited advice for the other ladies because of course she is. Colton shows up in a grey suit, light purple shirt, maroon tie and THERE IS TOO  MUCH GOING ON HERE, MY MAN!!

Colton and Hannah G. have alone time for a sexy, on-bed make-out (with shoes ON—cringe). Hannah's cool and cute, but that dress was straight outta Express circa 2001, am I right?

Caelynn grabs Hannah and in ANOTHER scene that made me erupt in applause, the two girls talk through their tension, share apologies, and move past their drama. HELL YES, BACHELOR! You are giving Bachelor Nation what they NEED: women being kind to women so as to counter balance the bad vibes from Demi's insistence that any woman over the age of 32 be walked off a plank.

Tomi Lahren Bratz Doll gets annoyed at Courtney's negative attitude (which I sort of get—Courtney was a DOWNER, but also, maybe just avoid her and drink more? Ya ever think about THAT solution, Pile of Hair Who Resembles a Tween Cheerleader?). She confronts Colton and claims that Courtney "attacked" her (huh?) then calls Courtney the "cancer of the house"  (oh man I thought that was Bernie Sanders nickname!). Courtney then has alone time with Colton and insists that Demi isn't here for the right reasons. Oh man—Courtney and Demi are the new Caelynn and Hannah and that shit is TIRED.

Courtney confronts Demi and the group in hilarious fashion, saying, "POLL: Raise your hand if you think that I am the cancer of the house" and Demi shoots her hand up, as if she's answering a trivia question about whether Bratz Dolls are better than Barbie Dolls. Courtney and Demi get INTO IT which is hilarious to the assembled crew and Katie and Kirpa give great face.

[I WILL INSERT 2 PHOTOS HERE WHENEVER THEY ARRIVE VIA EMAIL BECAUSE PHOTOS TAKE ME LITERALLY 4-5 HOURS TO RECEIVE FROM MY PHONE TO MY LAPTOP. AINT TECHNOLOGY GREAT?]

Finally, it's rose ceremony time and there are a LOT of ladies in red. Tayshia, Demi, and Caelynn already have roses and that feels like a whole lotta vowels in 3 names, don't you think?

Who else scores roses and who flew about 18 hours only to get dumped?

Roses go to:

-Hannah G. (despite the Express style dress, she looks good)
-Heather (Never Been Kissed is embracing the Jerry Hall look with a low cut, Studio 54 style sparkly dress or romper, I couldn't tell which)
-Kirpa (red dress, cool necklace, slow burn, personality??)
-Hannah B. (blue gown with great beading and I'm happy that she's back in action!)
-Katie (LOVING this look—high neckline, very covered up white blousy-y dress with hair in a sorta 70s side part)
-Elyse (red hair back, sparkly eyes, SERIOUS fake lashes, and beaded sequin dress—clutch)
-Sydney (white, strapless dress that looked a lil bonkers bridal—surprising pick, from a girl whose style I normally dig)
-Cassie (blonde girl with sorta badly curled hair whose fashion sense is always too casual and I think that I just need to accept that fact)
-Nicole (red dress, cross neckline, boobs propped up in a flattering bra)
-Onyeka (dark lip, black dress, fierce look)

So who is flying another 18 hours home to be depressed but be unable to confide in their hometown friends because they signed an Non-Disclosure Agreement?

-Tracy (dark-haired "cougar" who Demi hated)
-Courtney (dark-haired Georgia native who is 23 but has poise and grace, unlike Demi, so Demi hated)

So it was a good night for Demi, back night for the human race.  What can ya do?

Next week they head to THAILAND and I hope someone tells Hannah G. where that is!

Bachelor Colton: Ep 3: Pageant Girl Dramz

Hey lovers!

I just finished watching The Bachelor and, in the interest of getting this post up sooner than later (the past 2 haven't gone up until Thursday and I'm so ashamed!), I'm going to try and hit the high level topics and not do as much rambling as I normally do.

The episode opens with a reminder that there are some pairs of ladies who do NOT get along in the house: Tracy vs. Demi, Sydney vs. Onyeka, Caelyn vs. Alabama Hannah. And this sets the tone for the episode.

This week there will be 3 dates: 2 group dates and a 1:1.

The first group date is a pirate show in downtown LA and the gang is Katie, Heather (who is a Jerry Hall look-alike and it FINALLY occurred to me), Alabama Hanna, Courtney, Kirpa, Tracy, Demi, and Caelyn. So within that group of 8, we have 2 pairs of women who are not getting along. These producers are smart/shameless!

The gals arrive to the venue looking like an ATHLETA catalogue come-to-life and Colton does a bizarro pirate show, then puts the ladies through pirate training, which is a 2 step process: put on a slutty Pirate outfit then perform challenges pulled straight out of American Gladiator. Ummm OK.

Hannah hates watching Caelyn flirt with Colton, going so far as to say, "the Hannah monster is going to come out" and HOO BOY I cannot tell if Alabama Hannah is sort of a maniac OR she is just getting a BAD edit from these TV show magicians and she's actually a perfectly normal girl who just tends to say strange things that make for bonkers sound bites.

That night, at the post-pirate show afterparty, Colton makes a toast to the women saying, "it's really cool to see all of your personalities come out" as if this the ladies are a bunch of literal babies.

Katie (rocking a sharp, silver dress that contrasts her skin beautifully) is like a sleeper cell. She and Colton are SO cute with each other and I don't think that anyone else in the house fully sees how much Colton vibes with Katie.

Demi wears a chintzy, light blue, lace cocktail dress and interrupts Courtney's (Georgia Peach) time with Colton so that she can lead him to an isolated area, blindfold him, and paddle him (dear reader, how I wish I were kidding about all of this) THEN she somehow gets her hands on a fake, wooden hand (WTF is going on here!?) and uses that hand to touch down his torso almost to his "chank" as the kids call it (well, THIS kid calls it that). That whole thing was BIZARRE. Before Demi started touching Colton intimately without asking, she swore a few times, saying "I just want to F you" or something like that. This BOLD THIRSTINESS is NOT a good look, but Demi is too immature to see that.

When Demi returns to the ladies, Courtney very calmly comments on Demi's tone in conversation and Demi SNAPS at her and then whines about how the women are intimidated by her confidence. She spouts off about how untouchable she is and WOWIE ZOWIE it's like watching a blonde, skinnier Tierra (from Sean Lowe's season) in that Demi is SO CONFIDENT when we can all clearly see that the dude has almost NO interest in her. At best, he finds her mildly entertaining, at worst, producers are forcing him to keep her around. Mark my words: she is NOT a contender.

The Caelyn/Alabama Hannah tension BREAKS OUT and my theory is this: Caelyn is actually the bad guy here and she's a Mean Girl but no one suspects it because she is very poised, but SHE is throwing Hannah under the bus and Colton doesn't know quite WHO is the kookoo bird because Hannah isn't quite as poised or calm, so SHE seems like the one who is lying and is manipulative and deceptive, when in fact, THAT person is Caelyn.

Watching Caelyn and Colton vibe has got Hannah "BEFUMBLED" and by that word, I assume she means "bewildered." Hannah unwisely spends her limited alone time with Colton trying to warn Colton that Caelyn is a bad person, but she literally mostly just LOOKS at him and says that the pageant environment was high stress and hostile, then Colton fills in the rest, literally saying, "is she mean? Manipulative? Fake?" and Hannah just smirks back. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!? Colton seems like he does NOT want this drama, but then he is REALLY wading into it.

Hannah leaves their alone time feeling like shit and Bachelor Nation doesn't know who to believe!!

Colton immediately confronts Caelyn about it and she gets teary-eyed, says that there were real, major issues with that ("real life shit") and starts crying a bit and saying that she didn't want to speak about it this early and I TRULY DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE!! Meanwhile, Hannah is very foolish to, essentially, drop an ultimatum on Colton by saying that if he likes Caelyn, he can't like her. Ladies have used this line before (remember when Ali dropped it on Jake Pavelka with regard to Vienna? God my brain is ROTTEN with Bachelor references) and it is NEVER a good call. Also, it is too early in the season for ANY type of ultimatum!! Come on! Leave that shit for hometowns!!

Colton is tired of the Hannah/Caelyn drama and it's only just begun! 

The next day, Caelyn does something whistle stop tour for the hearts and minds of the other contestants, telling many assembled ladies that she can't stop crying, she can't sleep, she's shaking, but wait, WHAT IS IT ALL ABOUT? Can SOMEONE please get specific? Literally, all we know is they had a falling out and SOMEONE is deceptive and manipulative?? HUH?? Could I get a real example of this behavior? Unspecific, vague drama is the worst kind of drama.

The next day, proud member of the "Cougar Den," Elyse (redhead, 31) rocks a cute blouse, tight pants, and heels for a day with Colton. They hop a limo to a helicopter to Belmont Park, San Diego for a day at an amusement park with a gang of the CUTEST kiddos! I could NOT get over how sweet those tykes were. The day was VERY cute and completely exhausting.

We learn that Colton's cousin was born with Cystic Fibrosis and that inspired his charity and later in the date we learn that Elyse's sister died from complications in her 2nd pregnancy and because of that, her family started a foundation to "turn darkness into goodness" and WOW these people are sexy as hell AND philanthropy-minded and I've never felt more lazy and ugly. JK JK!

Elyse's story about her late sister was a heartbreaker and speaks to the way that women are often seen solely as incubators and the medical establishment seems to prioritize the health of a fetus over a LIVING woman who is already here and has clocked in 20-30 years on this planet. It's great that Elyse's family has this wonderful 2nd baby, but I'm sure she misses her sister like crazy! What a story.

Colton gives Elyse the rose and then takes her into a theater where country singer Tenille Arts (huh? I am INTO country music and I was still wondering, is that the name of a singer or a performing arts foundation?) is belting a song so that the couple can stand up on a tiny stage, make out, and be photographed by iPhone-addicted strangers.

The next day is a group date the makes a Tough Mudder look like a walk in the park and the crew is Tayshia, Nina, Catherine, Sydney, Onyeka, Cassie, Nicole, and Caitlin. Again, the ladies are done up in athleisure wear and Bachelor Nation catches some CHOICE images of a shirtless Colton rolling a giant tire and doing push ups. As Miami spitfire Nicole would say, "gracias papi!"

The date is a day at the gym being trained by Terry Crews and his wife Rebecca Crews! OMG Terry Crews is such a gem—literally, his take on EVERYthing lately is so right. Toxic masculinity, boundaries, gender norms—Terry Crews talks about all of it and is on the right side of history! The ladies all workout and Sydney aces the day because she's a dancer and is active. Nicole struggles because she considers dog walking to be a workout, and the day climaxes with a "Strongest Woman Competition."

The competition includes some intense exercises: pushing a 100 pound wedding cake on a cart down a lane, flipping a 150 pound tire down a lane, pulling a limo on your back (they MUST have taken the  engine out, right?) and Sydney, Catherine, and Onyeka do the best, then Onyeka wins the whole shebang and I gotta say, commercial realtor/DJ Catherine REALLY surprised me on this one.

That night, everyone is dressed up (and, no doubt, sore as hell) and Colton makes a toast to strong, confident women because The Bachelor knows how to leverage popular themes that are currently in the zeitgeist. In their chats, Caitlin (Canadian girl who hasn't done much this season) makes a comment about feeling pressure and Catherine (realtor/DJ/Florida in a nutshell) makes a comment about how you shouldn't feel pressure—the connection is simply there or it's not and while I get what she means, that comment reminded me of the sort of lazy defeatism of Juan Pablo. Anyone else?

I'm sure producers included that quote, though, as a foreshadowing to Caitlin's alone time with Colton which was HARD TO WATCH!! I haven't seen someone bring LESS to the table since the time that I ordered a white wine and the waiter forgot to BRING IT TO THE TABLE! (ZIIIING!) Colton is a jovial guy and seems VERY easy to make conversation with, but Caitlin can't seem to figure out how to talk! This is the SECOND time this season that a good-looking girl dropping in bronzer has been dumbstruck around Colton. Caitlin looks gorgeous in bright red pants, a white bra top thing, and cute jewelry but she can't get a conversation going! She says that she doesn't have anything in her life that would make her stand out (perhaps a reaction to Producer prodding?) and that is fine, but Caitlin, do you have maybe some HOBBIES or OPINIONS or funny things that have ever happened to you in your life? It was bonkers to watch someone fail SO hard at simply making conversation!

Colton tries a few times to draw her out or get her to SAY something interesting, but she cannot and the chemistry is simply NOT there, so he wastes no time, saying, "I just don't think that you are for me... so I would like to walk you out" and I give him credit. Don't waste her time and there are some people who you just don't vibe with and that's OK.  Caitlin seems stunned, asks him to please NOT hold her hand, and wonders if he will regret this decision later on. Probably not. Bye, girl.

Nicole and Colton smooch and he assures her that he can tell how much she cares, then she says, "gracias, Papi" which was equal parts bizarre and sexy. Colton and Onyeka have fun alone time but are they stuck in the friend zone? Nicole scores the group date rose and all the ladies are stunned that Caitlin was sent home so abruptly. 

The next day is a pool party for the ladies and Colton and in typical Demi style, as soon as Colton arrives to the house, she commands him to strip down and sprays him with oil. Giiiirl. I know that you think this "super pushy dominant" thing is sexy but it's just sad and thisty. Try a slower burn—trust me.

Blonde Hannah (first date rose) have 1:1 time because she didn't have any dates this week and he assures her that he's into her (and he's using a standard strategy: keep the ones you really like on the group dates, in the mix, then put on the gas later on).

The Alabama Hannah/Caelyn/Colton love triangle becomes a real DEVIL'S TRIANGLE (hahhah ahhh Brett Kavanaugh is a monster and a supreme court justice! Random aside) and Colton spends most of the sunny afternoon toggling between conversations with Caelyn and Hannah. Again, it's a ton of vague comments about which one of them is fake and deceptive and which one is not. Caelyn paints it as Hannah being jealous of her success in the Miss USA pageant (Caelyn was runner-up) but that strikes me as almost too easy/poetic. I think that I'm Team Alabama Hannah because Caelyn is full of shit.

That night it's rose ceremony time and a few gals already have roses: Nicole (Miami gal), Elyse (redheaded "cougar"), and Caelyn (whose dress resembles a VCR box circa 1989). The assembled ladies are looking gorgeous in an assortment of rompers and I LOVE that trend so much. Who scores a rose?

-Hannah G: first impression rose. White girl with blonde hair, very cute, rocking a black romper.
-Tayshia: Black girl who made a great impression on the last group date, has great taste in interesting necklines on her dresses/blouses.
-Katie: Black girl with her hair down, super sequin cocktail dress. Sleeper cell, baby!
-Cassie: White girl with blonde hair who could stand to use a lil volumizer. I relate to having thin hair! Cassie, I am here to help!
-Kirpa: Indian girl who seems easygoing, agreeable. Gorgeous look in her royal blue dress, showing a lil cleavage.
-Sydney: Asian girl who got some GOOD stretching done with Colton on the group date. I love her taste in dresses—so many dramatic cut-outs, modern looks.
-Demi: White lady with blonde hair who is both thirsty and corny ("thorny"?) and responds to Colton's rose with "I am ecstatic to accept this rose." CALM DOWN, girl.
-Tracy: Brunette Cougar Town, baby! I dig her more than I thought I would and her dramatic maroon dress is showing off both cleavage AND side-boob. More is more!
-Courtney: Black girl with long hair who always looks gorgeous (to the point that I wonder if she sleeps in fake eyelashes) rocking a stunning red dress.
-Heather: White girl with long, platinum hair who is sporting a royal blue romper and serving Jerry Hall realness.

I mean, don't you see it?

-Onyeka: Black girl with a jewelry box full of stunning earrings wearing a bold, red dress.
-Alabama Hannah: White girl with brown/blonde hair in the the last spot because producers love a dramatic storyline. She's wearing a baby pink romper with interesting neckline and I fear that the Caelyn drama will eat her alive.

So who is leaving the Bachelor Manse? 3 BLONDES!! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT!? LITERALLY I FEEL LIKE I AM LIVING IN CRAZY TOWN!

Said blondes are:
-Bri: White girl, knockout model who is truly STUNNING to look at but perhaps doesn't have much personality? I mean, you look at her and you're like, "how do you exist, you are SO frigging beautiful?" but Colton is sending her packing. Even hotties get their hearts broken.
-Nina: White girl with blonde hair from Croatia who didn't show us much of who she is and didn't seem to connect with Colton, so not a big surprise.
-Catherine: White girl with blonde hair from Florida (the infamous commercial realtor/DJ) who came into the season guns blazing and left with a wimper. Man, you never can tell, huh? She seemed contrarian to be contrarian which I find tiresome as hell and I suspect that she was lying about her age and pumped full of fillers BUT she had great taste in clothes, I must admit. On her final night she wore a BOLD, yellow dress and I give her credit—few white women with blonde hair can pull off yellow.

Next week we travel to Singapore and Hannah continues to get a bad edit. TUNE IN!

Bachelor Colton Ep 2: Comedians Be Making Cameos!

Monday night gave us episode 2 of The Bachelor with Colton at the helm and as a comedian, I was THRILLED to see so many rad comedians making cameos: wonderful, hilarious couple Megan Mullally and Ron Swanson PLUS Billy Eichner! You see that? EVERYONE LOVES this bonkers franchise! We are in such good company, fellow Bachelor Nation residents!! Don't you just love BACHELOR NATION?? But I often ask our President, when will they fix those potholes on Main Street, huh!!??!? And do we have a military or what???

This episode opened up with another "update" that was a shift from the usual--Colton filming a selfie video just after waking up (SHIRTLESS YES YES YES).  Seeing Colton's INSANE body and handsome face makes it almost criminal to think back that only a few years ago, we were all forced to look at Pasty Snooze ARIE as the Bachelor and act like he was a catch. What a farce!

Chris Harrison greets the ladies at the house and I LOVE seeing the low key, home looks when some of the gals are almost unrecognizable in their glasses and sweatpants and little-to-no make-up. It's clear that some of the ladies were told they'd be going on the group date--I mean, are we supposed to believe that Tracy is chilling at home in a hat? No way.

The group date card calls for:

Demi (WOOF--she was BRUTAL this episode with her casual ageism and I KNEW I hated her from the moment she rolled up in "banana yellow" separates last week)
Bri (Dead Eyed Lauren Bushnell who bears a striking resemblance to Lily Aldridge)
Tracy (just casually chilling at home in a tan hat and looking like she's ready to fly off to the Fyre Festival)
Hannah G. (blonde who got the first impression rose last week)
Nicole (brunette from Miami who is sweet but VERY quick to cry)
Onyeka (cute girl who is spunky, but maybe too spunky?)
Catherine (Canadian realtor I think?)

They head into Los Angeles to a theater where they meet Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman, then they put on a storytelling show with stories of memorable firsts to a big audience. This is my DREAM date, baby!! Megan and Nick are hilarious and bonkers, but I wonder if some of the younger girls didn't quite know who they were? Yikes.

Their stories would get BAD marks from the Moth story slam judges because they aren't so much stories as anecdotes or shameless attempts to get attention or KISS COLTON. More on that in a second. Colton kicks off the show beautifully, sharing a heartfelt, real story of the first time he told a football teammate that he'd never had sex. Some of the stories are solid (Elyse talks about her first time dating a younger guy—right now—ha, Nicole from Miami is super funny, Ashley shares a candid story of being rejected and feeling ugly in childhood then getting the first impression rose), some of the girls unwisely got into drama (Onyeka and Catherine, who are FOOLS because drama gets you a ticket home, if EVERY other season of The Bachelor is any indication!) and ONE girl has NO boundaries. Nightmare Demi uses her time onstage to vaguely describe a cool party that she was at one time and how she kissed a guy, then she drops her notebook, walks in the audience, and gives Colton a BAD, forced kiss. She then returns to the stage and says "and that's how I got the first group date rose" then walks off "triumphantly" (?) because she doesn't yet know that she will NOT be receiving the group date rose.

Also, grand gestures like that (and she has more up her sleeve this episode/this season) are often just cringey and awkward. I'm a feminist and I hate that I am saying this, but I speak from experience that, unfair though it may be, women making grand gestures to men can often fall flat. I know, I know! It's a damn shame! But TRUST ME on this one.  Truly, I never do better with a guy than when I act pretty boring and limit myself to small, thoughtful gestures (give him a small gift that shows that I listen to his opinions or taste) but I don't think I have EVER encountered a dude who liked to feel out-of-control and be regaled with grand gestures by his lady. I DON'T MAKE THE RULES!!

But back to Bach...

That night at the afterparty, everyone is done up and Colton's in a suit and no tie (seemingly his signature look) and after his quick toast to open hearts or something, Demi SNAGS him immediately (seemingly her signature look and NOT A GOOD LOOK, as an old ex-boyfriend of mine might say about many things I would do—hahah—life, huh!). Demi's rocking an unflattering blush dress that hangs badly and is forever tossing her hair. Colton is polite, so he claims to have liked her confidence at the storytelling show (but did he REALLY?) and she says that she was "rallying them up" ("them" being the other women) and that she's a confidence booster and—best punchline of the night—a WOMAN SUPPORTER. Keep that in mind the rest of the episode and season, dear readers.

She returns to the couch full of gals alone and, as a joke, grabs the rose and says "it's my rose" which HORRIFIES Tracy and I tend to agree with Tracy BUT ALSO, TRACY! Chill out! Demi is a dumb asshole with boundary issues who will ruin HER OWN LIFE with that lack of boundaries—let her dig her own grave! Also, I understand truly feeling that the rose is no one's to touch, but talking about how sacred the group date rose is is just, well, pathetic. This is a long stemmed rose that retails for $2.00 at my local bodega—not the Dead Sea Scrolls, OK?

While this is unfolding, redhead Elyse and Colton are "vibing" (as Ariana Grande might say and WOW her last album is my JAM lately and I truly can't believe I am saying this). Elyse jokes around that all of the women in the house who are 27 or older are bunking in the same room that they have nicknamed "The Cougar Den" and I nearly spit out my Lacroix. I get that they are kidding, but SWEET LORD you are a cougar at the age of 27!?!??  The age talk this season is unlike any we have seen before, wouldn't you say?  Colton and Elyse share a kiss that looks HOT and Colton admits that maybe Elyse could teach him a thing or 2 and I AM HERE FOR THIS SEXY ASSED DYNAMIC!

Tracey foolishly confronts Demi (in whisper talk) about her rose-touching and Demi offers a flat "apology" then says in an interview, "I'm not worried about it because there's no advantage to being an older woman here" which shows her profound ability to MISS THE FUCKING POINT. Wow. OK, I know that I think that SHE is being ageist and buckle in, cause I'm about to be ageist.

Demi is such a classic DUMB SHIT know-it-all and, sorry, youngsters, but that shit is SO DAMN predictable coming out of the stupid mouth of a 23-year-old drama queen. Her comment about how there's "no advantage to being an older woman here" shows that she thinks of this show as a contest to win, not an experience to have. And that is sad. LIFE is simply an experience to have. Making art, giving and receiving love, creating things (food, crafts, cards, ornaments, whatever), traveling, hosting, being a friend—these are all experiences to have. You don't need to win—you don't need to BE THE BEST—it's not a fucking contest. It is a wave to ride, an experience to have. I am going off the DEEP END in a damn recap of The Bachelor, but Demi's worldview is just so profoundly sad and troublesome to me. Colton is here to find love, to find a heart that recognizes his heart, to find a partner, and, well, yes, to get his dick wet. But this isn't a math problem to be solved, Demi. There is no inherent advantage or disadvantage in ANYTHING, but believing makes it so. I am rambling and I'm all over the place, but my point is this: these "cougars" who Demi is so intent on mocking—they know how to be sexy. They are confident. They have been through more life experiences, learned more lessons, and probably hooked up a bit more, so they are MUCH sexier and likely more experienced and that is cool as hell. There is truly NOTHING more pathetically hilarious than a corny assed, stiff, 23-year-old girl who looks 12 and thinks she knows what it means to be sexy and "dominant." Sit down, Demi.

At the close of the group date, "cougar" Elyse gets the rose. Score one for the good guys, and watch your back, Demi.

Next is the first 1:1 date which is a BIG DEAL and the date goes to birthday girl Alabama Hannah who is super cute, bubbly, and seems like a lot of fun—but WOA WOA WOA some real anxiety lurks JUST beneath the surface of those veneer teeth, it seems.

Colton rolls up in a vintage Jeep and he's showing off some KILLER ARMS in a snug, blue henley shirt. Hannah is ready to rock in a red top, jeans, and sneakers. They drive to the desert, ride horses, then sit down in a little chuppah-looking structure with benches beneath to share bubbly. Toasts are ALL OVER THIS SHOW, so Colton says that they should each give a toast and he goes first. I hope that Miss Alabama Hannah never had to answer questions from the judges in her pageant days because WOW the girl CANNOT wing it on answering questions or making an impromptu toast. The date went OFF THE RAILS as soon as Colton told her to make a toast. It was truly hard to watch and only got worse. They got into a hot tub for more conversation/canoodling, then later the night ate dinner on a gorgeous boat and what Colton referred to as Hannah's inability to "open up" was more like her inability to HAVE A CONVERSATION. Wow. What did you all think of this? Honestly,  it felt, to me, like the side effects of a life spent being poised and pretty and polite, ya know? Yikes. Toward the end she finally DID open up and admit to Colton that she carries shame about having lost her virginity (and there are the pesky side effects of "purity culture" barf barf barf), but hey, any sharing is more than no sharing, I suppose? She gets a rose but I think her days may be numbered.  Especially because there seems to be some tension between she and Caelyn (the other pageant girl) from their days as pageant roommates. Yikes.

The next day is a group date and the gang is going CAMPING (as in summer camp) with everyone's favorite snarky comedian, Billy Eichner! So cool. The crew is:

Alex (brunette with, sorry but it's true, big teeth0
Erika (white girl with blonde hair)
Katie (light skinned black girl who has made a good connection w/ Colton)
Caelyn (white gal brunette who is Alabama Hannah's bestie/nemesis)
Sydney (NBA dancer with dark hair)
Tashia (SoCal phlebotomist)
Nina (Croatian girl who seems perfectly nice, but maybe a lil bland?)
Kirpa (cute dental hygienist)
Caitlin (again, Canadian realtor or something? Why does this girl confuse me?)
Courtney (Georgia peach with great hair, sweet smile)
Heather (never been kissed blonde)

The opening shot of this date is Colton chopping wood and I said "YES PLEEEASE"--check my Instagram stories for that action shot (@SelenaCoppock). It's yoga pants as far as the eye can see as the ladies hang out with Colton, grilling and playing games. Then Chris Harrison and Billy Eichner arrive via golf cart and the snark starts FLYING! Billy is hilarious and encourages Colton to be the first gay Bachelor, then the whole crew splits into 2 teams (red versus yellow—both colors are pretty hard to pull off) and do an old fashioned jamboree. The winning team gets to stay overnight in a cabin and get more quality time w/ Colton, so the stakes are high.

The red team wins, so half of the girls go home brokenhearted AND wearing mustard yellow—talk about double trauma!

Fireside at the campsite, Katie and Colton share even more of a love connection and bond over their shared competitive nature (barf—I do NOT relate to that) and their tendency to internalize familial pressure. Heather reveals to Colton that she has never been kissed and they sit there smiling at each other after this confession. Caelyn tells Colton that she had encephalitis (swelling of the brain) as a child and nearly died and they bond over that because Colton HATES brain swelling (JK he visits a lot of children in hospitals and I am a nightmare who will stop at nothing for a laugh).  At the end of the night, Colton gives the rose to Heather (but he doesn't KISS HER, natch) and every other girl is stunned because Colton is a VERY good conversationalist and he makes everyone feel special, it seems. But he's GENUINE! It's sort of amazing. I could see how he'd break some hears with that combo.

Before we know it, it's cocktail party/rose ceremony time and I was on my 10th trip to the bathroom because I am DROWNING in seltzer during dry January, dear readers.

The ladies who went home from the camp challenge (Courtney, Nina, Sydney) make it their business to connect with Colton and during Sydney's conversation, she is interrupted by Onyeka blowing an air horn. Seriously. Woof. Onyeka has apparently decided that loudly interrupting conversations is her "thing" and while it's funny to me at home, it must seem thirsty to everyone in the mansion and Colton. Sydney gives Onyeka 1:1 time with Colton, only to return minutes later banging a cookie sheet and a kitchen utensil. Ladies, ladies. This looks pathetic. Please don't. You'll both end up getting the boot—trust me.

Later that night, gorgeous blonde Annie gets some alone time with Colton and responds to his question about children or future or something with the information that she envisions her future NOT with children, but rather with many dogs (HELL YES WE NEVER HEAR FROM THE CHILDLESS/CHILD FREE/HOPEFUL DINK—DOUBLE INCOME NO KIDS—COMMUNITY ON THIS SHOW!!) then later Tracy is candid about being one of the oldest in the house (and thus, that she is NOT just there to have fun (I dunno—can't women in their 30s also have fun?) and as she and Colton are sharing this moment, who interrupts but DEMI wearing a ROBE which is the universal sign of LAZINESS and/or NOT SEXINESS! I mean, seriously—a fluffy, white robe isn't revealing or sexy, can't we all agree?

Demi makes this BIG gesture and pulls Colton upstairs to her "fantasy closet" (what, one with a large shoe rack and lots of space?) then gives him a massage (for which he keeps on all of his clothing so, like, NOT that hot). While this plays out, Tracy locks herself in her OWN closet (NOT a fantasy closet, though) and everyone in the house agrees that Demi is acting extremely inappropriately and I wish someone would say that she's a weirdo with NO boundaries.

Post-"Fantasy Closet" time (whatever that is), Demi returns to the living room to brag about her feat and a few of the ladies inform her that she upset Tracy by interrupting Tracy and Colton's 1:1 time, which inspires Demi to speak with Tracy in the "cougar den." Tracy is candid and correct, explaining that Demi showing up JUST as she is opening up to Colton feels "rude and mean" and Demi responds in her classic, patronizing style, saying to Tracy, "you just keep doing you—you are an amazing woman." LORD Demi is such a sanctimonious bitch and she is so willy obtuse. Every woman in the house would be wise to simply avoid her because she's a straight-up loser pretending she's not a straight-up loser and interacting with her will only decrease YOUR stock, other ladies.

FINALLY it's rose ceremony time.

Who already has roses?
-Elyse - redheaded "cougar" who is sexier than Demi could ever be
-Heather - never been kissed blonde
-Alabama Hannah - cute, fun gal who needs to learn how to make conversation AND FAST.

So who scores flowers in front of their contemporaries?
-Tayshia - cutie, turquoise dress, hair half up/half down which is an underrated style
-Cassie - blonde who Colton is definitely keeping on group dates b/c he really digs her
-Caelyn - overrated brunette rocking a red dress, geometric earrings
-Courtney - cutie in a light purple dress who told Colton that she's the oldest of 5 and got some good face time earlier tonight
-Demi - absolute nightmare tool who is truly "pulling a Tierra" in that she thinks she is making an impression by she is not and she's truly hardly on his radar
-Nicole - cute Miami gal in a sparkly dress with long sleeves which reminds me of a look I rocked a few New Year's Eves ago.

it me

-Kirpa - red dress, cleavage, hair down, yezzzz
-Hannah G - blonde in a periwinkle dress, cool neckline
-Catherine - who I THOUGHT was going to be the antagonist of this season (and, hell, she still might) but who has not stolen focus the way that NIGHTMARE DEMI has AND ALSO Catherine is wearing her hair back in a smooth style that has a lot of height at the crown (I LOVE) and a dark blue, strapless dress (I LOVE) so, hey, let's let bygones be bygones?
-Bri - dead end Lauren Bushnell sporting a few necklaces and I had to admit it, but she pulls off a beach, boho look very well
-Sydney - NBA dancer in a sparkly dress with a cool neckline and cool necklines are her THING
-Onyeka - looking great in a green, velvet romper and sparkly earrings
-Katie - rocking a dress with panels and dark lip—she's a contender, as they say in that boxing movie
-Caitlin - Canadian realtor who is a slow burn maybe, or maybe just boring? Cute dark dress, though.
-Nina - Croatian blonde is going tits out this week!
-Tracy - "cougar" in a yellow dress who is being set up for a Tracy vs. Demi dynamic and if she's smart, she will NOT ENGAGE

So who is heading back to her hometown to be an A list celeb in small town America and a Z list celeb everywhere else?
-Annie - blonde in a cool, white dress and I hate seeing a fellow blonde in pain. I wonder if Colton didn't like her remark that she's not eager to have children? Stay strong, Annie!
-Erika - yet another blonde and like, why is Colton such a blonde-hating monster?
-Angelique - he's ditching the cutie from NJ but at least she left in a gorgeous white dress
-Alex - brunette with rather large teeth who seemed like fun but I guess not?

No huge turnovers this week. But we are expecting BIG THINGS next week when Alabama Hannah goes OFF THE RAILS!! She literally says, "there's a beautiful monster inside of me" AND I CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS MONSTER TO GET OUT OF THE CAGE, BABY!!

Miss Alabama 2018!! 

Bachelor Colton Premier: LIKE A VIRGIN (DO YOU GET IT??)

Lovebugs!!

Happy day-after-day-after-wha-day-it-is-anyway-after-Bachelor-premier day!! I'm so glad it's a national holiday because I am HUNGOVER!! JK JK I am in the midst of Dry January so I watched 3 hours of The Bachelor Monday night while chugging tea and mocktails! Wheeee!

OK, first off, can we talk about how damn HARD ABC is hitting the VIRGIN thing re: Colton!??!?!!

I mean, I understand that every season they go with a sort of gimmick or theme/tagline that is usually derived from the Bachelor or Bachelorette's personality ("what's wrong with being confident" for Kaitlyn Bristow) or job (pilot Jake Pavelka's corny "on the wings of love" season) or mantra (recent Becca's "let's do the damn thing" tiresome catchphrase), but this just feels invasive.  And the entire episode felt invasive!! I realize that I sound like my 2nd to last therapist (and I ALSO realize that this sentence is the MOST NEW YORK sentence ever), but DOES NO ONE HAVE ANY SENSE OF BOUNDARIES ANYMORE!??!!

I guess that I give Colton credit that he's just rolling with the punches and he doesn't seem the least bit offended or annoyed by CONSTANT virginity questions (most of which are HIGHLY inappropriate and none of your damn business!), but nonetheless, I find the whole theme pretty damn distasteful!! Am I officially turning into an old grump?? I am!! Ahh well.

These promos for Colton's season are getting INSANE!! WE GET IT!!! 

OK, so if you watched Monday night, you know that it was a 3 hour tour and there was SO MUCH FLUFF.  It was truly BIZARRE how much extraneous shit went down.  There were 4 locations that had Bachelor alums (as I like to call them, "rejects") and cameras and Chris Harrison was toggling LIVE from Kaitlyn and Jojo at a watch party in Dallas, TX (along with Chris Harrison's GORGEOUS mother who seems lovely), Ashley I. and Jared at a watch party in Park City, Utah, Jason and Blake at a house party in Lansing, Michigan, and Chris Harrison at a theater in LA!!  We bounced between these places and celebrated Chris Harrison's 17th year as the defacto President of Bachelor Nation, watched 2 different couples get engaged LIVE on TV, had to witness Baby Talk Krystal and her weasely fiancee Chris in a G-D hot tub for NINETY MINUTES before we even got INTO the episode!! It was utter insanity!!  I was struck by how much the franchise is pushing an assortment of these alums--Kaitlyn, Jojo, Ashley I, Jared, and such.  Perhaps for spin-off opportunities? Lord, who knows!

I hosted a watch party at QED in Astoria Queens (and will mostly likely be hosting a finale watch party, so keep your ears open for that, New Yorkers) and we all wanted to just GET TO THE first night, please!!

First we saw some B roll footage of assorted women in their hometowns:

-Cassie the speech pathologist from Hunginton Beach, CA who needs to work on her curling wand skills.

-Hannah from Alabama (she calls herself Alabama Hannah which I love/hate) who was literally Miss Alabama 2018 and said that she is the "hot mess express" and a "total trainwreck" and goddamn I can't decide if I love her candor and free spirit or if I think she is setting feminism back 50 years!! Either way, she's very cute and I bet Colton will love her.

-Katie who is an east coast native but lives in Cali now. She loves dancing and refers to herself as "kinda weird" which I can definitely respect. 

-Heather the SUPER long-haired blonde from Calsbad, CA who is 22 and has NEVER BEEN KISSED! OR HUMPED! YIKES, man. I mean, how do you make it through your teen years without ANY of that? I was VERY UGLY when I was an adolescent and yet some scuzzy dude wanted to lick my tongue, ya know? 

-Onyeka who is from Dallas, TX and whose parents dated for TWO WEEKS before they got married. Lemme tell ya--when your parents have a super short courtship, it really screws up your sense of what a normal timeline for a relationship is.  My parents got engaged after 2 months! And I ruin all my relationships! Wheeeee! 

Plus we meet Nicole (Miami girl who seems fun and kind), Kirpa (super sweet dental hygenist), and Demi (sorta monster 23 year old know-it-all who seems to be intent on living the "Cool Girl" monologue from GONE GIRL).

Then Colton comes out and chats with Chris Harrison (another departure from season's past when all participants would seemed to be locked up in the Bachelor Manse until the big finale) and we see a slide show of Colton as a pudgy kiddo (SO CUTE) and we get SOME window into his perpetual virgin status, as we learn that he used to be pudgy and socially awkward and he hated school. Dude--my heart goes out to you. I think that a LOT of people relate to the "former fat kid" thing (and "fat kid" can be code for myriad insecurities--pasty white kid or kid from a different background than most other kids in his/her town or kid with a birthmark on his/her face or kid with a disability or kid who just didn't quite feel comfortable in his/her own skin) and--dare I say--I felt like that peek into his childhood humanized Colton. OH BACHELOR, DON'T TOY WITH MY EMOTIONS!!!

We see some footage of Chris Harrison saying that some people think that Colton's "not a man" because he's a virgin (lil unnecessarily harsh, huh?) and, at long last, it's time for the arrivals and I could barely keep my eyes open. Chop chop, people!

Oh no wait BUT FIRST, we gotta watch a montage of Bachelor couples/families!! Jason and Molly and their kids! Evan and Carly and their kid! JP and Ashley and their kids! Desiree and Chris and their kid! Jade and Tanner and their kid! Trista and Ryan and their kids! And the most reviled couple in Bachelor history, Arie and Lauren and a photo of their fetus!  It was like some sort of super conservative, super heteronormative film strip pushing young Americans to marry and have children!

THEN we caught up with Krystal and "Goose" (weasely Chris) in a hot tub.  Was anyone else unnerved by the fact that they were both holding mics mere inches from a bubbling hot tub? Just me?

OK, after MORE fluff and weird D list appearances by Bachelor franchise has-beens, it was FINALLY time for the arrivals!  I can't go through them 1 by 1 because it's just too much, but I will summarize in bullet form because you know I love a bulleted list.

• Demi was first out the gate which was a SHOCKING choice since the producers usually start strong. She wore separates that look like they were purchased at the Sandals Resort gift shop after her luggage was lost but she was determined to make the best of it. When Colton remarked on the color, she said "banana yellow" and then insulted him, saying that she hadn't dated a virgin since she was 12. Good luck, biiiiiiiish! 
• Caelyn (Miss North Carolina) wore her pageant sash (barf) BUT I liked her cute maneuver when she flipped it over to show that it said "Mrs. Underwood." Lil aggressive, but memorable. 
• Sydney's black dress had the COOLEST neckline. 
• Tayshia made a great first impression by commenting on how Colton loves kids. 
• Caitlin (brunette from Canada) and Katie (black dress, we met her above) both opened with crewd jokes about popping his cherry/taking his V card and Colton was a good sport BUT I DO NOT LIKE IT, YOUNG LADIES! 
• The lone Masshole of the show (Alex D from Cape Cod) wore a Sloth outfit and REALLY COMMITTED to the bit which I respect yet think it's a bad move when you are up against 2 Miss America constants, a few models, and an NBA dancer. 
• Bri (aka Dead Eyes) is a model from Cali and she faked an Australian accent which I suppose is cute, although I hate any type of lying. She ALSO looks like a poor man's Lauren Bushnell, so that may need to be her nickname. Or maybe a hybrid--Dead Eyed Lauren Bushnell? 
• Tracy arrived in a cop car and called herself the fashion police (she's a wardrobe stylist). Problematic tweets from Tracy's past have already been unearthed and I'll be curious to see how long she kicks around--especially because she's 31, which is elderly in Bachelor years.
• Catherine (this season's Tierra/Courtney/Rozlyn/Krystal) is a commercial real estate agent/DJ FROM FLORIDA!! One more time, she has a job that I have known to be ONLY the vocation of absolute SHITBAG men (commercial real estate) PLUS she is ALSO a DJ who goes by DJ AGRO and sweet baby Jesu you can't make this stuff up!  She is blonde and from Florida and most likely lying about her age and pumped full of fillers (Florida's gonna Florida) AND she arrives with her TINY DOG who she immediately hands off to COLTON to take care of because she's manipulative and has no boundaries!! AHHHHHH!!!! I CAN'T EVEN! 
• The last girl has listed her job as "Cinderella" and what man doesn't love a woman who is obsessed with fairy tales, am I right!?!?  She arrives in a goddamn horse-drawn carriage and a periwinkle dress, then leaves her shoe with Colton and tells him to find her before midnight. Woof. Sorry, Erin, 29 from Plano, TX, nobody is into your corny gimmick.  

The cocktail party pops off and as soon as Colton is done making a toast to new beginnings, falling in love, and taking chances,  Demi grabs him, much to the ire of the other 28 women and 1 sloth.  She, again, puts HIM in the hot seat and patronizes him and I just hope he is SEEING her, you know? Also, am I the only one who is SO MUCH more aware of these dynamics and manipulations than I used to be? Goddamn adulthood is wonderful. 

Colton talks to a ton of the ladies: Erika (silver dress and fishtail braid, she gave him nuts at the door because McNut is her last name), Hannah (a "content creator" which means a rich girl who likes Instagram although I DO LIKE her gold dress/overall style), Caelyn (Miss North Carolina, who scores the first kiss on the front steps), Sydney (who tries to teach him ballroom dancing as a string quartet plays one of my favorite songs, Clair De Lune), Tayshia (who makes a fake carnival?), Alex B (the sloth who FINALLY removes her sloth costume to reveal a pretty brutal personality--sorry, Mass girl--you're on your own), and Catherine (this season's captain of Team Misery).  Catherine cuts in on other women's conversation with Colton FOUR TIMES, to the point that Colton makes a joke of it but it felt like a subtle attempt for him to express frustration with her constant interrupting.  I give credit to Onyeka who not only disrupted Catherine to give her a taste of her own medicine, but later pulled DJ Agro aside and warned her that she was making enemies by constantly cutting in.  Colton kisses Cassie (speech pathologist whose white dress with floral pattern is just too casual for ARRIVAL NIGHT, I'm sorry) and Katie (cute girl from above who seems very genuine).  Finally Alabama Hannah gets some long-awaited face time with Colton and she makes a solid impression and they do a pinky swear thing which was very cute.

"Content Creator" Hannah (gold dress, gold box as opening gift to Colton) scores the First Impression Rose and she is very cute and surprised by it. Perhaps I can see past her non-job.  She IS a blonde, after all, so I should support one of my sisters in peroxide.

OK gals.  It's Thursday now and mama's tired.  Let's jump to the rose ceremony which took place IN THE MORNING, no joke. Not even at sunrise--it looked like MID DAY by the time these poor ladies were accepted or rejected.  Here is who scored roses:

-Caelyn (Miss North Carolina who is cute, but also reminds me of girls who you sort of think are cute, when you're really just seeing a LOT of hair and a big smile, you know?)
-Katie (they have chemistry no doubt and her black dress was a classy choice)
-Alex B. (BIG smile, brunette sparkly green dress who entered with Love Actually-style posterboards because she's sick. Cute move, gorgeous gal.)
-Hanna B. (Alabama Hannah whose dress was perfection--pageant girls know how to do it)
-Onyika (wise sage of the episode whose sparkly, silver dress was a perfect look)
-Caitlin (Canadian brunette who was--turns out--rocking a red romper and I LOVE her for that choice)
-Annie (blonde in a periwinkle dress with a silver belt thing. She seems sweet, inoffensive.)
-Kirpa (dental hygienist in super sparkly purple dress and a cool French braid thing, but the earrings/necklace were too much. Let's keep an eye on her accessories this season, gang.)
-Heather (never been kissed blondie in a fierce, red dress)
-Elyse (lone redhead in a blue dress with her hair pushed to one side AND YOU KNOW I LOVE A HAIR-TO-ONE-SIDE LOOK, BABY!)
-Tayshia (seems cool and rocked a gorgeous one shoulder silver dress)
-Courtney (Georgia peach who didn't get much face time with Colton, rocked a sparkly, blue dress)
-Cassie (blonde in white, patterned dress that I did NOT like, but Colton is INTO her)
-Demi (patronizing 23 year old (HA!! GOD LOOK AT THAT PHRASE) in "banana yellow" separates (ON PURPOSE?) I'm sorry but every little thing she does is THE WORST. I hate to be a hater but I am!)
-Nina (Croatian blonde seems fine)
-Erika (blonde in silver dress, fishtail braid who should work on her boundaries but lucky for her, she's gorgeous so she will have time to fix her personality)

**at this point in the thrill-a-minute rose ceremony, we heard a voice over of Tahzjuan (a gorgeous contestant who was, no doubt, anxious about whether she would be picked) said, "If I was a human being and I was looking for a wife..." seemingly, to talk about how some of these ladies are not "wife material" but NOTHING KILLS  ME MORE than her saying "if I was a human being." First off, she should use the subjunctive mood here ("if I were") but then, maybe not, because I ASSUME SHE IS A HUMAN BEING, NO?? What a bizarre comment! I love it! Back to the roses.**

-Sydney (NBA dancer in cool black dress whose ballrooom dancing seemed to impress Colton)
-Bri (Dead Eyed Lauren Bushnell in a red dress)
-Angelique (YES! She has amazing arms and rocked a stunning purplish pink dress)
-Tracy (WOOF. Fashion police girl who likes to mock fat people. I hope she doesn't stay long.)
-Nicole (Miami, green dress, she seems cool.)

AND FINALLY IT IS TIME FOR THE FINAL ROSE!! WHO WILL GET IT? THE SLOTH? THE SWEET GIRL WHO WORKS IN GODDAMN ELDERCARE? THE INFLUENCER?

-Catherine (the resident MONSTER who is a real estate agent/DJ and pawned her poor dog off onto Colton the moment she arrived. Get some boundaries, lady! But OF COURSE she's sticking around! The producers demanded it, no doubt. I WILL admit that I loved her red dress--super short, bell sleeves, fun look. Why has she gotta suck so much, though?)

So who is going home to launch an Instagram empire and sell us Fab, Fit, Fun Boxes via their apartment in Nashville?

-Sloth Cape Cod girl. Sometimes when you bet big, you lose big.
-Adrianne "Jane" who works in eldercare, but perhaps should have picked 1 name to go with?
-Tahzjuan who seemed cool and rocked a RAD dress, but maybe wasn't pushy enough as far as face time?
-Cinderella whose corny gimmick did NOT seem to impress Colton (good call, bro)
-Ravina the "nurse" and influencer. At least she can get back to her beloved music festivals.
-Devin who seemed fun, rocked a blush, sparkly dress but apparently didn't make an impression.
-Laura who resembled Snow White but apparently Colton is NOT having ANY Disney princesses. 

That is 7 girls sent home, which seems like more than usual, no? So we have 23 remaining, it seems. Also I am terrible at math and only here to make jokes and comment on hair/make-up, so whatevzzzz!!

Should be a RAD SEASON!!

Who are your favorites for this season???? Comment below!! xoxo