Wednesday, February 6, 2019

Bachelor Colton Ep 5: The Mystery of Kirpa's Chin Injury

Hey lovebugs!

How are you doing? Are you in agreement with me and a sweetheart who I met at a Superbowl Party on Sunday night, that this season of The Bachelor is absolutely fantastic? People doubted Colton—they were weirded out by the "virgin bachelor" thing, they thought he was too bland, yet—against all odds—the alchemists behind this franchise have cooked up a HELLA good season, full of catfights, friendship, diversity, squashing of drama, stoking of drama, candid stories of sexual assault, heart-to-heart conversations about relationships and safety, and so much more. Honestly, it's been super refreshing and heartening to watch.

OK but let's get down to the recap!

On Monday night, Colton and 13 beautiful ladies who could probably find love more easily in ANY platform other than on a TV show, flew to THAILAND for a week of sweaty dates!

Heather (Never Been Kissed Jerry Hall look-alike) get the first 1:1 date and she meets Colton on a beach rocking a cute black one piece, short shorts, sandals, hair down, and a bold lip. Great look! Colton is dressed for a day of exploration and they cruise to a floating city where they shop in a marketplace and canoodle. At one point, Colton asks her,  "do you blow kisses," as if "never been kissed" means "never even BLOWN a kiss" which made me laugh. Oh Colton, I can't tell if you're funny or dumb but I like all of it.

While all this romance is going down, back at the hotel suite, redheaded "cougar" Elyse is spiraling and feeling anxious, sad, unsure. I can only imagine the way that this experience would do a number on you mentally.

Then we're back to LOTS of mouth close-ups (NO NO NO) and FEEDING (creepy).  Over dinner that evening (Colton in a pink button-down, Heather in a light pink dress and a tragically low number of accessories), Heather talks about how she dated a guy that she didn't much like for 8 MONTHS and never kissed him!! This was AFTER COLLEGE! Good Lord Heather, what is going on here!?

Post-liquid dinner, Colton and Heather walk to a beach where they stand by a fire and nearly jump out of their skin when fireworks go off, then they lean in together and Heather has her first kiss on national TV as Bachelor Nation cheers her on.  I am giving myself dumb chills for typing this, but the way that Colton gently held her face was really sweet and lovely. Oh man Colton, you've got me all bugaboo!

Back the hotel, Elyse is DONE UP for who knows what—a sultry night of "swimming in the ocean" (Juan Pablo season speak for HUMPS) when Colton returns from his date? A tearful conversation when Colton returns from his date? A night of ticklefights with the other women?

The ladies are all assembled when Has Been Kissed NOW Heather returns and she fills them in on her day, which is Elyse's cue to head out in search of Colton. Elye's look was like a knockout GHOST, with the ethereal layers of her barely-there, white/beige sundress.

Elyse knocks on Colton's door and he lets her in, then they sit down to talk. Elyse is already very emotional and she explains that she is having a hard time, this isn't about jealousy or insecurity (are we sure, girl?), but she knows that she cannot accept a proposal from him in just a few weeks. I get that, but also, Elyse, with all due respect, girl, aren't we getting a lil ahead of ourselves? But maybe not! Hey, if you know that you simply CANNOT be part of the thing that is truly THE POINT of this show, then I guess it's better to dip sooner than later. Also, wait, why did you come on the show in the first place?  Either way, Elyse bounces, cursing herself all the way home, which made me sad for her.

The next day, Colton has signature "I cried myself to sleep" puffy eyes (I know those when I see 'em cause sometimes I see 'em in the mirror BUT I AM FINE, dear readers) and the group date is a day of survival in the jungle and there is never a wrong time to share this gem:

The 10 ladies meet their shared BF in the jungle and Colton misses a prime opportunity to scream, "do you know where you are? You're in the jungle baby, and you're going to DIE" but maybe he didn't want to do that in front of jungle townie, Joe. Joe literally grew up in the jungle and he teaches the crew how to get water from trees, eat slugs and bugs, and dig up grubs. Yikes. Alabama Hanna is INTO IT and chows down like she's on Fear Factor.

Colton puts a snake on his shoulders, Britney-style and soon it's time for a competition.

Actual photo of Colton 
The crew splits up into 3 teams and each team must secure water, protein, and something else. Two teams manage to follow directions and take the challenge seriously (plus Tayshia is pretty slick in delegating tasks to the other members of her team so that her "task" can be smooching Colton) but one team decides to go a different route and think "outside the box" (the beloved refrain of people who think that rules don't apply to them) and "instead of thinking hard, think smart" (again GOOD LORD who is coming up with these phrases, is it deadbeat father Steve Jobs??? BLECH).  No no, it's not Steve Jobs, it's DEMI because THERE is a girl who will always go for cleverness over hard work. Double blech. Her team hops into the truck they arrived in, takes it back to their hotel, and gets burgers and bubbly as their "protein" and drinks. Am I taking this all too seriously that I truly found that move disrespectful to jungle townie Joe? Team #1 wins and their prize is...the respect of their peers?

That night at the afterparty, Demi looks like dog shit in yellow separates (white women can RARELY pull of yellow, people!), Tayshia looks ravishing in a red romper, Katie has a gold, drapey top that looks cool. Alabama Hannah is very cute and tells Colton that she's falling in love with him (she also mentions that she'd be a good fighter if a zombie apocalypse hit and this girl is my kinda crazy). Onyeka pulls Colton aside to drop a bombshell: Elyse told Onyeka that she talked to Nicole and Nicole said that she's just here to find opportunity and get out of Miami. 

Dude, Onyeka please SIT DOWN. You are forever in the thick of drama and your claims that you share this information with Colton "to protect him" ring false. So, we have the standard routine: Onyeka tells Colton this, he is crestfallen, he grabs Nicole and asks her directly, she denies it and is crestfallen, she returns to the group and confronts Onykeka AND ROUND AND ROUND WE GO!!!

HOW do these shit-stirrers not realize that the CARDINAL rule of Bachelor: if you are involved in drama in ANY respect (whether you are the supposed truth teller or the person being trashed), YOU have just secured your ticket home!!

Mark my words: Colton will send THEM BOTH home the next time he has a chance.

The one thing that occurred in this tangle that was refreshing was that Tayshia chimed in and defended Nicole, saying that she was present for this conversation (between now departed Elyse and Nicole and her) and that Nicole simply said that in life, you have to take advantage of opportunities and you never know what could happen and it could change your life. Tayshia is as solid friend to Nicole and it was nice to watch.

Alabama Hannah scores the group date rose and I hope Demi cried herself to sleep. (Am I too harsh on her? Good!)

The next day is Colton and Cassie's 1:1 and it's like a full day straddle. They make out and straddle in the water for hours. They aren't even talking or laughing much—just sorta intensely making out. That night they talk about how they feel like they have known each other forever, how she's a bit nervous because now her family will know she's not a virgin (ugh I hate sexuality shaming), and that they feel safe with each other. Cassie will be in the final 2, I bet.

But before we dive into the cocktail party, let's talk about the real star of episode 5: Kirpa's chin bandage!!

Throughout the episode, sweet Kirpa (who will NOT make it to hometowns, trust) rocks a chin bandage AND WE ARE NEVER TOLD WHAT HAPPENED! At first my roommate and I thought it was to cover a zit, but it KEPT showing up!! What is going on here!? Can we get an explanation, please!??! This was insanity!

Finally, it's cocktail party time but Onyeka and Nicole use it as BRAWL TIME. Oh man. Everyone else is flirting with Colton, sipping drinks, but Miami's spiciest export and Drama Queen Forever are GOING AT IT, to the point that Colton walks away from Katie to see what the fuss is all about.  Colton attempts to calm down the conversation (without saying the phase "calm down," thankfully because that phrase is like gasoline on a fire) and when they ignore him, he gets up and walks away in frustration. The girls are stunned by this, so they take a page from the Tiresome Idiot's playbook and BOTH CHASE HIM!! NOOOOO! 

Ladies, DO NOT chase a man. He is annoyed and exhausted and wants to be alone. Don't chase him for 2 reasons:

1. By walking away, he is setting a boundary and making it clear that he wants to be alone;
2. It's useless. Perhaps I am thinking about "not chasing" in broad terms, but a man either likes you or he doesn't, and you can't convince him and if you TRY to, it's sad, thirsty, and you will humiliate yourself AND it will not work. So if a guy doesn't like you or walks away from you, let it be, move on, and seek out a partner who DOES want to be with you.

But these 2 ladies can't hear my warnings, so they both follow him out and try to talk to him, prompting him to say "I'm over it" and walk to the beach alone. I'm wondering it the fence-jump that we saw in the season preview is about to happen.

We'll find out next week because the producers left us with a cliffhanger!! Bah! I can't wait to learn what happens! What do you think will happen, dear readers?

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