Tuesday, January 28, 2020

I WISH I COULD QUIT YOU: Let's talk Pilot Pete


Remember a few seasons back when I decided to stop writing recaps of THE BACHELOR and THE BACHELORETTE because it eats up hours of time and I lost the inspiration and also I felt weird about watching 22 year-olds who are like, "I AM A SHRIVELED CRONE AND NEED TO BE MARRIED TOMORROW" date one another, as a woman who is pushing 40?

Well, I have tried to quit Bachelor Nation but IT ALWAYS PULLS ME BACK IN!!!

Somehow, this season I am watching again (blame Dry January) and, sweet sweet readers, I'm falling back in love with the franchise.  It feels like the first time and I have THOUGHTS on it and I can't resist sharing them.

I can't be bothered to dive back into the super detailed, comprehensive recaps that I used to write.  Who has the time for those!? We aren't kids anymore! Often at work, I need to WORK!!! And so I cannot dedicate 3-4 hours of every Tuesday selecting the perfect Guns N Roses lyric to act as a metaphor for how this insane brunette needs to SIT DOWN or the perfect story from my own dating life that draws a parallel to how this Bachelor is so obtuse I wonder if he knows how to wipe his own rump properly. 

BUT, I shall simply share my quick thoughts.  And this may be a one-off or it may be a THING.  Who knows!?!? Let's let 2020 unfold and just do what feels good when it feels good, OK? 

-Pilot Pete is a perfectly acceptable looking human (symmetrical, bland, acceptable, nondescript) but his pants are just too tight for my taste. 
-Cleveland's Board of Tourism must have LOVED last night's episode! But for real, it made me want to do a romantic getaway to Cleveland.  What have I become!??!?! 
-Mykenna (yes that is the actual spelling of her actual name) has eyebrows that remind me of that Massachusetts monster who encouraged her boyfriend to kill himself. 

-When Victoria F. and Pete went on that date and danced to a live concert by country "celebrity" Chase Rice, Pete truly showed how clueless and unaware of others' emotions he is. Victoria F. was VISIBLY anxious: WE, as the viewers, knew thanks to a voice over, that the country crooner Chase Rice is her ex-boyfriend (I KNOW!! Those Producers are GENIUSES and MONSTERS) but Pete had no idea and I give him some leeway for that.  But DUDE–she looked VERY uncomfortable and even went off with Chase Rice alone for a 1:1 talk that looked wildly awkward. Did Peter pick up on NONE of this!?!? No, no he did not.  Dude floated along and was like, "maybe Chase Rice could sing at our wedding!"  That night, when Victoria F. revealed the truth to Pete, he was flabbergasted but the part that I hated was that she kept APOLOGIZING. Apologizing!? For what!? No apology needed!  The PRODUCERS created an uncomfortable situation that was humiliating for everyone involved, but Victoria, girl, you did nothing wrong!  

-I REALLY like Sydney for telling it like it is without losing her cool when doing so.  Way to go, girl. 

-Alayah is Satan and not pretty enough to have this much attitude. 

-The Alayah vs. Victoria P. drama is profoundly stupid and Peter is a moron for indulging it and exacerbating it.  The crux of the issue is this: Alayah and Victoria P. knew each other before THE  BACHELOR because they both do pageants.  OK.  Alayah asked Victoria P. to LIE to Peter and Producers and claim that they did NOT know each other before the show, as she thought that somehow them knowing each other would be a bad thing.  Umm OK?  No wait, actually, no, NOT OK. I do NOT understand this line of reasoning AT ALL and I think that it reflects poorly on ALAYAH only.  SHE cooked up this dumb scheme that is grounded in misleading people. The crux of the issue is that Alayah feels comfortable lying to people and put Victoria P. in a crappy situation by asking her to do the same.  From that, somehow, myriad other issues have cropped up and in last night's episode Alaya returned to the show after being sent home and Peter, she, and Victoria P. had a sit-down, Oprah Winfrey-style conversation about [checks notes] WHETHER THEY WERE GOOD FRIENDS BEFORE THE SHOW OR SIMPLY ACQUAINTANCES. 

YES, dear reader. 

Somehow, this issue has devolved from it's core: Alayah is a person who lies easily, to the bizarro spin-off non-issue of, were Alayah and Victoria SUPER TIGHT PALS or just social friends. WHO the fuck cares!? How are we even having this conversation?  How is Peter dead set on CRACKING THIS CASE, the most boring mystery in the world, while a dozen gorgeous, age-appropriate women who are eager to MARRY HIM, wait in the other room. 

Truly, Peter is not seeing the forest for the trees and he's letting himself get distracted by stupid minutiae to the detriment of the show, the other women on the show, and his own love life. 

I WISH that Natasha or Sydney or Shiann (thee of my faves) would take control and organize a mass walk-out of the other women on the show. But also I know that Peter needs to clean up his own damn mess. 

Peter is making a larger version of a mistake that some other Bachelors have stumbled upon: getting caught up in stupid drama and forgetting that this show is, in theory, about romance, sexiness, hooking up, and heavy petting.  Hell, it's eventually about "riding the D train" in the fantasy suite, if you catch my drift!! Focus on THAT, Pilot Pete!  Not on Nancy Drew's worst-selling book, "The Case of the Unclear Friendship."  Because I'll tell you exactly what is going on here, guy: Alayah is, in my estimation, a self-described "guy's girl" who hates other women because she claims they are all  bitchy to her (SHE has done nothing wrong, ever, she thinks). She has NO boundaries and makes juvenile attempts at friendships with acquaintances by creating a sense of false familiarity, as evidenced by her obsession with referring to her friends in the house as "bitches." Haven't we all met people like this?  So that is what Alayah is, and Victoria P. is a normal person with appropriate boundaries who sees Alayah as a social friend/acquaintance she knows via their shared hobby, pageants.  And Peter is on a fool's errand to figure out HOW CLOSE they really are, for some reason? 

Peter has successfully removed the parts of dating that are FUN and exciting (making out, being playful, flirting, having inside jokes, doing bits) and made it a Debate Club that sucks and is a DRAG.  

What do you all think?  Are you excited for next Monday's episode, when more ladies will read him the riot act!? I CANNOT WAIT!!