Tuesday, August 7, 2018

Bachelorette Becca Finale: NO NO NO NOOOOO BECCA WHYYYYYY!?!?!?!

Hello, lovers!

I'm still shell shocked from last night's finale—are you?  Thankfully, I spent it among Bachelor Nation palz at QED in Astoria where I hosted a watch party and had SUCH A BLAST!! What a treat to meet some readers of this 'ole blog!! Thank you for enjoying my silly asides about my parade of ex-boyfriends, Katya (sp?)!!

The episode kicked off with our man Chris Harrison warning us that this finale was quite possibly "the most emotional finale of all time" and I gotta say NO IT WAS NOT!!!  Ya know what was emotional? When Rachel and Peter broke up because he was unwilling to budge on proposing and Rachel literally CRIED HER FAKE LASHES OFF HER DAMN FACE. Ya know what was emotional? When Brooks (tall drink of water who HAD to have been Mormon) dumped frigging Desiree while he was in the top 3 and she admitted that she was probably going to pick him and she LOST IT. Ya know what was emotional? A few days after THAT, when Desiree accepted a proposal from sweetheart Chris (her now husband) and essentially said, I feel awful because I think that I didn't fully appreciate you and you were my love and right under my nose all along.  Ya know what was emotional? That time that Tierra nearly froze to death (JK JK JK that was simply HILARZ and the fact that such a high-maintenance girl thought that SEAN "salt of the Earth simpleton" LOWE would be in to THAT attitude shows that she has worse judgment than Garrett does.  OHHH BURN!!!) We'll get to Garrett later (OH YES WE WILL) but my point is, this was NOT an especially emotional finale, despite the buzz.

It was a standard final episode: they're all somewhere INSANELY HOT and stuck wearing suits or heavy, sequin dresses in direct sunlight.  Can they EVER get the finale temperature right? Chris Soules finale was somewhere FREEZING, but more often than not the finale is somewhere steamy hot.  Why can't we get a finale near a beautiful tree on a fall day, ya know?

But I digress.

Becca's family (lotsa uncles, her mom, her sister Emily who apparently DID NOT PACK leave-in conditioner) are in The Maldives and Becca is eager to introduce them to Garrett and Blake.

Garrett is up first and we get some voice over from Becca saying that their courtship was slower, he's revealing himself more slowly, and their relationship is growing.  Contrast that with what she said about Blake, which is that their relationship has been solid from the start, consistent, and that her heart recognizes his heart (a phrase that gives me dumb chills and yet I also love).

Garrett arrives with wine and flowers, wearing a short sleeved button down, tan shorts, and his standard goofy grin.  They talk about how Garrett gifted Becca a keepsake fly, which I can only assume looks like this:

They sit down to lunch and Garrett woos the family by proposing a toast that mentions people who are "looking down from above," that is, addressing her late father.  OK listen, some people might find that lovely or sweet of him, perhaps even respectful but I find it to be 100% the opposite.  To me it seemed completely inappropriate, disrespectful, and manipulative.  Becca's MOTHER lost her HUSBAND. How about you let HER mention her late husband before YOU DO, stranger?  Does that make sense?  I just hate it when people co-opt tragedy for their own purposes—it's so gross.

The family EATS IT UP, though, then Garrett does a LOT of crying and choking back tears and that shit is like catnip to the Kufrin family, shockingly enough.

Up next is handsome Blake who hides a KILLER BODY beneath that floopy head and funny attitude.  He's in a white button-down (that is SWEAT SOAKED and see-through within SECONDS) and pink shorts, plus toting gorgeous flowers and a nice bottle of wine.  He says that he is "crazy..... [too many seconds]... crazy about your sister" to Emily, repeatedly insists that he LOVES strong, independent women (we get it, woke feminist boi), fields a TON of questions about how he would handle rejection (OUCH! YIKES! HUH!?), and finally, is asked for dirt about Garrett by Becca's bonkers uncle.


The entire thing was bananas and hurtful.  I think that Blake had a hard time because he was going in COMPARED to Garrett—not just going in as the new guy, ya know?  It's like at an audition when the casting director is fresh and energetic for the early slots but tired and grumpy by late in the day.  Not that I go on many auditions, dear reader—I'm convinced that my face is just too rubber-y and animated for commercial acting.


Blake has a BAD gut feeling and literally says, "she's going to pick Garrett" and, spoiler alert, he's right.  Where did it all go so wrong!?!?!?

I have a theory (of course I do): it's almost like rehearsing for a big stage show.  If you have a big ensemble cast and a big opening weekend, you want to allow your production enough time to get comfortable with the material, get polished, get GREAT, but you don't want to have a rehearsal season so long that by the time you mount the show, the cast is already tired.  Does that make sense?  I think that if the finale had been a week or two earlier, Blake would have "gotten the girl" as it were.  But, no, the season was so long that by the time it was "SHOWTIME," Becca was tired of him.  Garrett's timing (as far as relationship development) was PERFECT in that it felt exciting every week, she learned about him constantly, and they peaked at the perfect moment for the finale.

Now let's address the alt-right elephant in the room.

Using his old Instagram account, Garrett "liked" SUPER problematic posts mocking transgendered individuals, liberal women, and DAVID HOGG, A VICTIM OF THE PARKLAND SCHOOL SHOOTING.

Read about it and look at the examples here.

I CANNOT ABIDE THIS.  Only last night did I learn about the crisis actor conspiracy theory and that one was really the end of the line for me.  Listen, I have dated former military, FBI, DEA, cops, firefighters—I'm familiar with conservative men and I enjoy debating those dudes (I am liberal AF).  And I understand that we are living in a rapidly-changing society with new apps and programs popping up daily.  I see all of it and YET STILL I CANNOT ABIDE HIS CHOICES.  It's "just" a click on Instagram, but those clicks are meaningful.  Those clicks normalize memes that are toxic and irresponsible.  Parkland kids lived through a goddamn MASSACRE.  They did not ask for this. They saw shit that our most grizzled veterans can hardly stomach.  And they were fucking KIDS. They still ARE KIDS.

And at around hour 2.75 of the finale spectacular when Garrett and Becca discussed the Insta controversy, they BARELY addressed it and his faux apology was weak sauce.  He danced around the issues, spoke in vague terms, and essentially said, Becca is pretty liberal and I liked those things but it doesn't align with HER values.  I can't tell if he's just dumb or was trying to act as though SHE is a NAG somehow, you know?

Also, dude, here's a quick re-write of your apology.  How about something like this:

I want to take ownership for the bad choices I made in liking Instagram posts that I found funny at the time. I have done a lot of soul-searching about this and I have read about the plight of transgendered individuals in our nation.  I have looked at the horrifying murder rates for trans citizens, and specifically, trans citizens of color, and I am ashamed that I liked these posts. I have spoken to veterans who served in war zones and engaged with innocent, wide-eyed local kiddos and learned about their experiences. I have followed the moves of the brave Parkland kids—teenagers who are doing more for the gun control movement than adults could muster for many decades. And I have thought about my role in this—it's NOT just a click, it's NOT just a simple "double tap," and it's not OK. I wish to work on myself and make more responsible, respectful, and adult choices in the future and I only hope that Becca will be by my side as I endeavor to become a better man.

Or something like that.

Wheeeeee!! Is this recap too HEAVY????

Let's lighten it up with some solid moments of idiocy from the finale:

-When Becca's sister Emily said to a crying Garrett, "I wish my fiancee cried like this." HAHAH!! Too bad the fiancee couldn't bother to come on a free trip the Maldives!
-When Chris Harrison shamelessly promoted every damn ABC franchise that's currently airing
-When Becca's mom gave that crucial advice to "be happy." Thanks for your wisdom, mom.
-When they were on a boat and Garrett was asking Becca about her sister, then interrupted himself with "oh dolphins! Right there!" Expect a lifetime of dumb shit like that, Becs.
-When Garrett said that he likes how Becca pronounces the word "bag."
-When Garrett said that Becca doesn't give him butterflies, but rather EAGLES!! Oh God this guy really IS a Conservative.

(This is legit the worst hymn of all time. I'm sorry but it's true. Give me "His Eye is on The Sparrow" ANY DAY over this dreck.)

-The fact that it was CONSTANTLY RAINING when poor Blake was feeling anxious about being sent home and dude was RIGHT.  As they say in the book "The Gift of Fear," TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!!  YOUR GUT IS ALMOST ALWAYS RIGHT!
-When Becca pulls a Jojo and dunks with a full face of make-up and fake eyelashes then looks ROUGH afterward.
-There was a WHOLE LOTTA pastel this episode and I loved it. Way to showcase your tans, gang!! Remember: if you can't tone it, tan it!
-How insane is it that Blake MADE HER A REALLY SWEET GIFT and Garrett made her NOTHING? In most seasons, the final 2 suitors have gifts for their love.
-Garrett has HORRIBLE taste in jewelry--WOW!  Then again, this is a guy who elects to live in Reno, NV so I suppose we knew that he has bizarre taste.
-I had to groan when Becca said, "I found my partner in this... and I also found myself." I hate that type of thinking—it's along the lines of "I was incomplete until I had a partner." BARF. No you weren't. You're only as incomplete as you decide you are. Single people aren't flawed or fuck ups or incomplete. They're just single and you don't know their story.

Finally, it's time for Becca and The Boyz to sweat through some expensive clothing.  The first dude to arrive is Blake and at the QED Watch Party, we all started screaming, knowing that the first arrival is always the reject.  Sweet Blake gave a lovely speech to a dead-faced Becca (seriously she looked NOT happy and not empathetic). Blake was DRIPPING sweat. Literally at one point, a drip of sweat fell off his NOSE. Good Lord. Somehow, Becca's face didn't show any sweat and I have to wonder if she pulled some pageant tricks to avoid sweat and shine. Have you you heard about what women do in pageants to read as non-sweaty or thin from stage, but it's a setup? I believe that I have heard that they would smear deodorant on their faces as the bottom layer (to stop sweat), then coat foundation, make-up over that. Did I just make that up?

Either way, Becca seems to have SHUT DOWN and even as she dumps him, she doesn't cry a tear.  It was remarkable to watch, especially if you have watched these dramatic, emotional proposals take place before.  She give him a pretty non-committal breakup, stating that she pictured him being the last man standing for so long, but he's not. He accepts it calmly and you can see his heart breaking. I admire that he calmly told her that he thinks she's making a mistake and then said, "I love you" as he left. Oh man. Then he was given a wash cloth to WEEP INTO. Poor little hottie.

Then, unlike we have EVER seen in the past, we cut RIGHT TO HIM in the studio and Chris Harrison tries to squeeze more tears out of him, then brings out Becca for maximum embarrassment and heartbreak.  The whole thing felt remarkably exploitative—even moreso than the standard level of exploitation involved in The Bachelor/The Bachelorette.

Becca comes out, fresh from a spray tan booth (or having JUST emerged from a container of cinnamon), rocking a gorgeous purple dress (with COOL ASSED DIAGONAL HEM), sparkly earrings, and a tasteful ponytail with face framing layers. Blake is gracious as HELL, saying that he is still so glad that she was his Bachelorette (that sounded a lil like a student thanking his elementary homeroom teacher, didn't it?), that there are no hard feelings, and that this won't keep him down.

Oh Blake, you were too good for this Bach.

Then it's time to watch a dude who is, essentially, an alt-right troll win the heart of America's favorite brunette.  Garrett enters the sizzling beach and does his speech about how she is his world, yadda yadda yadda. She chimes in and for one, brief, shining moment, you can tell that Garrett thinks he's about to get dumped.  Alas, it's not to be.  She says that she has been holding back on dropping the 'ole 143 (I LOVE YOU in beeper parlance—where my pals who attended high school in the 90s at!??!?!) and so when she says it to him (using his full name), he knows that means he's THE GUY.  He picks her up and they make out HARD :)

Then he gets on one knee and presents her with an engagement ring that is just as putrid as it was free.

It's truly gotta suck when your 1st engagement ring (to Pasty Snooze Arie who later broke your heart) is SO MUCH PRETTIER than your 2nd engagement ring from a guy who probably thinks that the idea of someone in a bathroom stall next to him being a different sex at birth than he was is somehow oppression FOR HIM.

She gives him the final, final rose and I need to go back to white roses for a while, ya know? Need a little palette cleanser.  Plus, white or lighter colored roses are my favorite (in case you are reading this, NEW BOYFRIEND MARK).  Garrett make a classic Garrett move and says, "sorry fellas—she's off the market—she's all mine" because women are possessions that are either owned by other men or by you.  Yup yup.

Soon Garrett and Becca are reunited in the studio and she is SELLING THAT RELATIONSHIP like it's a damn Cutco Knife Set.
Hello, neighbor! My mother said that you'd be willing to listen to me peddle these Cutko Knives to you. Thanks so much—this is my summer job and yes, it's a pyramid scheme. OK, have you ever seen someone CUT a PENNY in HALF?

Becca talks about crying into a quesadilla and Garrett makes the aforementioned non-apology for mocking the trials and hardships of his fellow citizens.  Solid couple.  They are being send BACK to the Maldives for a getaway (just chill out until Instagram stops being so popular, so maybe like, a couple decades?) and then they're shown their parting gift—a shitbox MINIVAN!!!

What did you think of the season overall? Was I too hard on Garrett? Not hard enough? Do you think this will last?  Do you think the next Bachelor will be Jason or Blake? Feel free to comment and, as always THANK YOU SO MUCH for reading. I am always SO touched by people who read this wackadoo blog—I really mean that.

I may live tweet Bachelor In Paradise (@selenacoppock) but I'm not totally sure. Mama needs a break!! xoxo

Wednesday, August 1, 2018

Bachelorette Becca Ep 10: The Men SPILL TEA!!! (Tell All)


Monday night was Bachelor Nation's most beloved, bitchy, petty episode of every Bachelor/Bachelorette season, THE MEN TELL ALL.  And TELL THEY DID!! (JK it was actually a pretty standard Men Tell All which is to say, everyone looked the BEST they have ever looked, some shade was thrown, and a dozen dudes had their final moment of TV fame).

I missed the first 30 minutes because I was en route back from a long weekend spent upstate with friends on a writer's retreat.  A writer's retreat is a fun way of going upstate of drink, eat, and be lazy, then crank out some brainstorms for writing projects during your last 2 hours at the house. That's precisely what I did!

So I missed the first 30 minutes but my roommate Lola informed me that during said half hour, Jean Blanc (the dude who was a professional "perfumer" and "big watch wearer" or something) openly mocked the former professional football player, Colton, and the fact that Colton is still a virgin. Cool move, dude who seems to have made a job out of "smelling good" and "being metrosexual."

Apparently Connor was in the house making good comments and wearing glasses, which I can only imagine was HOT LIKE FIRE. As they kids say re: sex, Connor can get it. (Too crass?)

I joined in once we were having a few guys get in the "hot seat" as Chris Harrison INSISTS on calling it, despite the fact that it gives all of us in Bachelor Nation major dumb chills.

We heard from Florida-based male model Jordan, who remains unable to talk about anything other than himself, yet is somehow almost charming? His mortal enemy, David, was rolling his eyes and, hey man, I'm just glad David still has the ability to ROLL his eyes after the face plant that he took off the top bunk.  Leo was there with his hair FLOWING down, but there was no sign of his man bun sidekick (aka The Other Manbun).  Wills rocked a killer plaid suit and red boots, in classic Will fashion (LITERAL FASHION, GET IT?) and during his time in the "hot seat" (barf) was very emotional and candid.  Do you see Wills as a possible Bachelor?

Colton got in the hot seat (oh God someone get me a new barf bag because this one is FULL UP) and was VERY emotional about the shame he carries about being a virgin and how troublesome that is, especially within the pro sports community (I can only imagine, you hot BOI). I think that Producers might want Colton to be the next Bachelor because I can totally see that ad campaign:

Colton is The Bachelor.

AND IT WILL BE THE FIRST TIME!! Fantasy Suite virginity loss, baby!

But I think that Jason is giving Colton a run for his money, as far as campaigns to be the next Bachelor.  Jason looked fantastic, came off as SUPER self-aware, was absolutely gracious in processing his rejection and heartbreak, and even gave Becca a big hug when she came out. I think he would be a GREAT Bachelor and not JUST because he's old college buddies with the golden retriever of the Patriots, GRONK.

He's as shocked as you are that he's BFFs with Jason

So yes yes, Becca came out and looked like a smoke show—dark, lacy, clingy dress, sparkly hoop earrings, hair curled perfectly and set off to one side, excellent tan—perfection.  She spoke to all of the guys and was super generous of spirit to Jordan, Jean Blanc, everyone.  Chris (creeper from FL with bad facial hair, a BAD attitude) very wisely apologized profusely to Becca and he must have watched the season with a self-aware woman who explained it all to him, because he spoke the vocabulary of "getting it"—he admitted that he was entitled, he didn't listen to her, he was too pushy, he was selfish.  Yeah you were.  OK bye now.

Overall, a pretty standard Men Tell All and the only surprises will likely be the casting of the next Bachelor.  But before that, we have some Bachelor in Paradise to witness (starting 8/7). But before THAT, we still have a season finale of THIS Bachelorette season to enjoy! 

I'll be hosting a Bachelorette finale watch party at QED (wonderful theater in Astoria) on Monday 8/6.  More information here.  Come on out!  We will NOT be talking during the show but I'll be doing some color commentary during commercial breaks.  Come on out!