Thursday, January 17, 2019

Bachelor Colton Ep 2: Comedians Be Making Cameos!

Monday night gave us episode 2 of The Bachelor with Colton at the helm and as a comedian, I was THRILLED to see so many rad comedians making cameos: wonderful, hilarious couple Megan Mullally and Ron Swanson PLUS Billy Eichner! You see that? EVERYONE LOVES this bonkers franchise! We are in such good company, fellow Bachelor Nation residents!! Don't you just love BACHELOR NATION?? But I often ask our President, when will they fix those potholes on Main Street, huh!!??!? And do we have a military or what???

This episode opened up with another "update" that was a shift from the usual--Colton filming a selfie video just after waking up (SHIRTLESS YES YES YES).  Seeing Colton's INSANE body and handsome face makes it almost criminal to think back that only a few years ago, we were all forced to look at Pasty Snooze ARIE as the Bachelor and act like he was a catch. What a farce!

Chris Harrison greets the ladies at the house and I LOVE seeing the low key, home looks when some of the gals are almost unrecognizable in their glasses and sweatpants and little-to-no make-up. It's clear that some of the ladies were told they'd be going on the group date--I mean, are we supposed to believe that Tracy is chilling at home in a hat? No way.

The group date card calls for:

Demi (WOOF--she was BRUTAL this episode with her casual ageism and I KNEW I hated her from the moment she rolled up in "banana yellow" separates last week)
Bri (Dead Eyed Lauren Bushnell who bears a striking resemblance to Lily Aldridge)
Tracy (just casually chilling at home in a tan hat and looking like she's ready to fly off to the Fyre Festival)
Hannah G. (blonde who got the first impression rose last week)
Nicole (brunette from Miami who is sweet but VERY quick to cry)
Onyeka (cute girl who is spunky, but maybe too spunky?)
Catherine (Canadian realtor I think?)

They head into Los Angeles to a theater where they meet Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman, then they put on a storytelling show with stories of memorable firsts to a big audience. This is my DREAM date, baby!! Megan and Nick are hilarious and bonkers, but I wonder if some of the younger girls didn't quite know who they were? Yikes.

Their stories would get BAD marks from the Moth story slam judges because they aren't so much stories as anecdotes or shameless attempts to get attention or KISS COLTON. More on that in a second. Colton kicks off the show beautifully, sharing a heartfelt, real story of the first time he told a football teammate that he'd never had sex. Some of the stories are solid (Elyse talks about her first time dating a younger guy—right now—ha, Nicole from Miami is super funny, Ashley shares a candid story of being rejected and feeling ugly in childhood then getting the first impression rose), some of the girls unwisely got into drama (Onyeka and Catherine, who are FOOLS because drama gets you a ticket home, if EVERY other season of The Bachelor is any indication!) and ONE girl has NO boundaries. Nightmare Demi uses her time onstage to vaguely describe a cool party that she was at one time and how she kissed a guy, then she drops her notebook, walks in the audience, and gives Colton a BAD, forced kiss. She then returns to the stage and says "and that's how I got the first group date rose" then walks off "triumphantly" (?) because she doesn't yet know that she will NOT be receiving the group date rose.

Also, grand gestures like that (and she has more up her sleeve this episode/this season) are often just cringey and awkward. I'm a feminist and I hate that I am saying this, but I speak from experience that, unfair though it may be, women making grand gestures to men can often fall flat. I know, I know! It's a damn shame! But TRUST ME on this one.  Truly, I never do better with a guy than when I act pretty boring and limit myself to small, thoughtful gestures (give him a small gift that shows that I listen to his opinions or taste) but I don't think I have EVER encountered a dude who liked to feel out-of-control and be regaled with grand gestures by his lady. I DON'T MAKE THE RULES!!

But back to Bach...

That night at the afterparty, everyone is done up and Colton's in a suit and no tie (seemingly his signature look) and after his quick toast to open hearts or something, Demi SNAGS him immediately (seemingly her signature look and NOT A GOOD LOOK, as an old ex-boyfriend of mine might say about many things I would do—hahah—life, huh!). Demi's rocking an unflattering blush dress that hangs badly and is forever tossing her hair. Colton is polite, so he claims to have liked her confidence at the storytelling show (but did he REALLY?) and she says that she was "rallying them up" ("them" being the other women) and that she's a confidence booster and—best punchline of the night—a WOMAN SUPPORTER. Keep that in mind the rest of the episode and season, dear readers.

She returns to the couch full of gals alone and, as a joke, grabs the rose and says "it's my rose" which HORRIFIES Tracy and I tend to agree with Tracy BUT ALSO, TRACY! Chill out! Demi is a dumb asshole with boundary issues who will ruin HER OWN LIFE with that lack of boundaries—let her dig her own grave! Also, I understand truly feeling that the rose is no one's to touch, but talking about how sacred the group date rose is is just, well, pathetic. This is a long stemmed rose that retails for $2.00 at my local bodega—not the Dead Sea Scrolls, OK?

While this is unfolding, redhead Elyse and Colton are "vibing" (as Ariana Grande might say and WOW her last album is my JAM lately and I truly can't believe I am saying this). Elyse jokes around that all of the women in the house who are 27 or older are bunking in the same room that they have nicknamed "The Cougar Den" and I nearly spit out my Lacroix. I get that they are kidding, but SWEET LORD you are a cougar at the age of 27!?!??  The age talk this season is unlike any we have seen before, wouldn't you say?  Colton and Elyse share a kiss that looks HOT and Colton admits that maybe Elyse could teach him a thing or 2 and I AM HERE FOR THIS SEXY ASSED DYNAMIC!

Tracey foolishly confronts Demi (in whisper talk) about her rose-touching and Demi offers a flat "apology" then says in an interview, "I'm not worried about it because there's no advantage to being an older woman here" which shows her profound ability to MISS THE FUCKING POINT. Wow. OK, I know that I think that SHE is being ageist and buckle in, cause I'm about to be ageist.

Demi is such a classic DUMB SHIT know-it-all and, sorry, youngsters, but that shit is SO DAMN predictable coming out of the stupid mouth of a 23-year-old drama queen. Her comment about how there's "no advantage to being an older woman here" shows that she thinks of this show as a contest to win, not an experience to have. And that is sad. LIFE is simply an experience to have. Making art, giving and receiving love, creating things (food, crafts, cards, ornaments, whatever), traveling, hosting, being a friend—these are all experiences to have. You don't need to win—you don't need to BE THE BEST—it's not a fucking contest. It is a wave to ride, an experience to have. I am going off the DEEP END in a damn recap of The Bachelor, but Demi's worldview is just so profoundly sad and troublesome to me. Colton is here to find love, to find a heart that recognizes his heart, to find a partner, and, well, yes, to get his dick wet. But this isn't a math problem to be solved, Demi. There is no inherent advantage or disadvantage in ANYTHING, but believing makes it so. I am rambling and I'm all over the place, but my point is this: these "cougars" who Demi is so intent on mocking—they know how to be sexy. They are confident. They have been through more life experiences, learned more lessons, and probably hooked up a bit more, so they are MUCH sexier and likely more experienced and that is cool as hell. There is truly NOTHING more pathetically hilarious than a corny assed, stiff, 23-year-old girl who looks 12 and thinks she knows what it means to be sexy and "dominant." Sit down, Demi.

At the close of the group date, "cougar" Elyse gets the rose. Score one for the good guys, and watch your back, Demi.

Next is the first 1:1 date which is a BIG DEAL and the date goes to birthday girl Alabama Hannah who is super cute, bubbly, and seems like a lot of fun—but WOA WOA WOA some real anxiety lurks JUST beneath the surface of those veneer teeth, it seems.

Colton rolls up in a vintage Jeep and he's showing off some KILLER ARMS in a snug, blue henley shirt. Hannah is ready to rock in a red top, jeans, and sneakers. They drive to the desert, ride horses, then sit down in a little chuppah-looking structure with benches beneath to share bubbly. Toasts are ALL OVER THIS SHOW, so Colton says that they should each give a toast and he goes first. I hope that Miss Alabama Hannah never had to answer questions from the judges in her pageant days because WOW the girl CANNOT wing it on answering questions or making an impromptu toast. The date went OFF THE RAILS as soon as Colton told her to make a toast. It was truly hard to watch and only got worse. They got into a hot tub for more conversation/canoodling, then later the night ate dinner on a gorgeous boat and what Colton referred to as Hannah's inability to "open up" was more like her inability to HAVE A CONVERSATION. Wow. What did you all think of this? Honestly,  it felt, to me, like the side effects of a life spent being poised and pretty and polite, ya know? Yikes. Toward the end she finally DID open up and admit to Colton that she carries shame about having lost her virginity (and there are the pesky side effects of "purity culture" barf barf barf), but hey, any sharing is more than no sharing, I suppose? She gets a rose but I think her days may be numbered.  Especially because there seems to be some tension between she and Caelyn (the other pageant girl) from their days as pageant roommates. Yikes.

The next day is a group date and the gang is going CAMPING (as in summer camp) with everyone's favorite snarky comedian, Billy Eichner! So cool. The crew is:

Alex (brunette with, sorry but it's true, big teeth0
Erika (white girl with blonde hair)
Katie (light skinned black girl who has made a good connection w/ Colton)
Caelyn (white gal brunette who is Alabama Hannah's bestie/nemesis)
Sydney (NBA dancer with dark hair)
Tashia (SoCal phlebotomist)
Nina (Croatian girl who seems perfectly nice, but maybe a lil bland?)
Kirpa (cute dental hygienist)
Caitlin (again, Canadian realtor or something? Why does this girl confuse me?)
Courtney (Georgia peach with great hair, sweet smile)
Heather (never been kissed blonde)

The opening shot of this date is Colton chopping wood and I said "YES PLEEEASE"--check my Instagram stories for that action shot (@SelenaCoppock). It's yoga pants as far as the eye can see as the ladies hang out with Colton, grilling and playing games. Then Chris Harrison and Billy Eichner arrive via golf cart and the snark starts FLYING! Billy is hilarious and encourages Colton to be the first gay Bachelor, then the whole crew splits into 2 teams (red versus yellow—both colors are pretty hard to pull off) and do an old fashioned jamboree. The winning team gets to stay overnight in a cabin and get more quality time w/ Colton, so the stakes are high.

The red team wins, so half of the girls go home brokenhearted AND wearing mustard yellow—talk about double trauma!

Fireside at the campsite, Katie and Colton share even more of a love connection and bond over their shared competitive nature (barf—I do NOT relate to that) and their tendency to internalize familial pressure. Heather reveals to Colton that she has never been kissed and they sit there smiling at each other after this confession. Caelyn tells Colton that she had encephalitis (swelling of the brain) as a child and nearly died and they bond over that because Colton HATES brain swelling (JK he visits a lot of children in hospitals and I am a nightmare who will stop at nothing for a laugh).  At the end of the night, Colton gives the rose to Heather (but he doesn't KISS HER, natch) and every other girl is stunned because Colton is a VERY good conversationalist and he makes everyone feel special, it seems. But he's GENUINE! It's sort of amazing. I could see how he'd break some hears with that combo.

Before we know it, it's cocktail party/rose ceremony time and I was on my 10th trip to the bathroom because I am DROWNING in seltzer during dry January, dear readers.

The ladies who went home from the camp challenge (Courtney, Nina, Sydney) make it their business to connect with Colton and during Sydney's conversation, she is interrupted by Onyeka blowing an air horn. Seriously. Woof. Onyeka has apparently decided that loudly interrupting conversations is her "thing" and while it's funny to me at home, it must seem thirsty to everyone in the mansion and Colton. Sydney gives Onyeka 1:1 time with Colton, only to return minutes later banging a cookie sheet and a kitchen utensil. Ladies, ladies. This looks pathetic. Please don't. You'll both end up getting the boot—trust me.

Later that night, gorgeous blonde Annie gets some alone time with Colton and responds to his question about children or future or something with the information that she envisions her future NOT with children, but rather with many dogs (HELL YES WE NEVER HEAR FROM THE CHILDLESS/CHILD FREE/HOPEFUL DINK—DOUBLE INCOME NO KIDS—COMMUNITY ON THIS SHOW!!) then later Tracy is candid about being one of the oldest in the house (and thus, that she is NOT just there to have fun (I dunno—can't women in their 30s also have fun?) and as she and Colton are sharing this moment, who interrupts but DEMI wearing a ROBE which is the universal sign of LAZINESS and/or NOT SEXINESS! I mean, seriously—a fluffy, white robe isn't revealing or sexy, can't we all agree?

Demi makes this BIG gesture and pulls Colton upstairs to her "fantasy closet" (what, one with a large shoe rack and lots of space?) then gives him a massage (for which he keeps on all of his clothing so, like, NOT that hot). While this plays out, Tracy locks herself in her OWN closet (NOT a fantasy closet, though) and everyone in the house agrees that Demi is acting extremely inappropriately and I wish someone would say that she's a weirdo with NO boundaries.

Post-"Fantasy Closet" time (whatever that is), Demi returns to the living room to brag about her feat and a few of the ladies inform her that she upset Tracy by interrupting Tracy and Colton's 1:1 time, which inspires Demi to speak with Tracy in the "cougar den." Tracy is candid and correct, explaining that Demi showing up JUST as she is opening up to Colton feels "rude and mean" and Demi responds in her classic, patronizing style, saying to Tracy, "you just keep doing you—you are an amazing woman." LORD Demi is such a sanctimonious bitch and she is so willy obtuse. Every woman in the house would be wise to simply avoid her because she's a straight-up loser pretending she's not a straight-up loser and interacting with her will only decrease YOUR stock, other ladies.

FINALLY it's rose ceremony time.

Who already has roses?
-Elyse - redheaded "cougar" who is sexier than Demi could ever be
-Heather - never been kissed blonde
-Alabama Hannah - cute, fun gal who needs to learn how to make conversation AND FAST.

So who scores flowers in front of their contemporaries?
-Tayshia - cutie, turquoise dress, hair half up/half down which is an underrated style
-Cassie - blonde who Colton is definitely keeping on group dates b/c he really digs her
-Caelyn - overrated brunette rocking a red dress, geometric earrings
-Courtney - cutie in a light purple dress who told Colton that she's the oldest of 5 and got some good face time earlier tonight
-Demi - absolute nightmare tool who is truly "pulling a Tierra" in that she thinks she is making an impression by she is not and she's truly hardly on his radar
-Nicole - cute Miami gal in a sparkly dress with long sleeves which reminds me of a look I rocked a few New Year's Eves ago.
it me

-Kirpa - red dress, cleavage, hair down, yezzzz
-Hannah G - blonde in a periwinkle dress, cool neckline
-Catherine - who I THOUGHT was going to be the antagonist of this season (and, hell, she still might) but who has not stolen focus the way that NIGHTMARE DEMI has AND ALSO Catherine is wearing her hair back in a smooth style that has a lot of height at the crown (I LOVE) and a dark blue, strapless dress (I LOVE) so, hey, let's let bygones be bygones?
-Bri - dead end Lauren Bushnell sporting a few necklaces and I had to admit it, but she pulls off a beach, boho look very well
-Sydney - NBA dancer in a sparkly dress with a cool neckline and cool necklines are her THING
-Onyeka - looking great in a green, velvet romper and sparkly earrings
-Katie - rocking a dress with panels and dark lip—she's a contender, as they say in that boxing movie
-Caitlin - Canadian realtor who is a slow burn maybe, or maybe just boring? Cute dark dress, though.
-Nina - Croatian blonde is going tits out this week!
-Tracy - "cougar" in a yellow dress who is being set up for a Tracy vs. Demi dynamic and if she's smart, she will NOT ENGAGE

So who is heading back to her hometown to be an A list celeb in small town America and a Z list celeb everywhere else?
-Annie - blonde in a cool, white dress and I hate seeing a fellow blonde in pain. I wonder if Colton didn't like her remark that she's not eager to have children? Stay strong, Annie!
-Erika - yet another blonde and like, why is Colton such a blonde-hating monster?
-Angelique - he's ditching the cutie from NJ but at least she left in a gorgeous white dress
-Alex - brunette with rather large teeth who seemed like fun but I guess not?

No huge turnovers this week. But we are expecting BIG THINGS next week when Alabama Hannah goes OFF THE RAILS!! She literally says, "there's a beautiful monster inside of me" AND I CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS MONSTER TO GET OUT OF THE CAGE, BABY!!

Miss Alabama 2018!! 

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