Bachelor Arie: Krystal Starts to Crack, Baby Rizzo Reveals Herself

Hey hey hey, pussycats!

I'm coming to you now from my couch where I'm chomping on a popsicle and trying to resist the magnetic pull of the bottle of red wine that's staring at me from atop my refrigerator. Dry January is going great!  Thankfully, The Bachelor is scratching my itch for watching the ramifications of bad decisions unfold (though I'm jealous of all their bubbly and wine drinking).

We start off inside the STD Shack (Bachelor Mansion) where 15 ladies are informed that they are LEAVING LOS ANGLES to head to south Lake Tahoe, Nevada! I'll admit that I said, out loud, to my sweet roommate, "I bet they don't even know what state Lake Tahoe is in" before I admitted that I didn't, either. Turns out, NEVADA!! (Though apparently part of it is in California, also.) I TRULY mean it when I say the The Bachelor franchise has taught me so much about geography (... and myself).

Nothing says "sexy time romance" quite like acres of pine trees, am I right? The ladies explore their woodsy cabin lodge and quirky Kendall is thrilled that it's filled with taxidermy.

Yale alumna, Sienne, is dressed in a white top, snug blue jeans, her hair down, and she's READY for 1:1 date action.  Like a concerned camp counselor, Arie asks her if she "packed enough warm clothes" and they're off! The hop in an open top Jeep that looks like a classic Ford Bronco (or something) and hit the road. I'll admit that as they cruised off in that sweet truck, it made me almost like Arie for a split second there.  WOW. I'm amazed that producers could EVER get me to not loathe him.

They drive to the lake where they board a boat and go parasailing, which we soon learn is a LOT like falling in love, in that it involves trust, pushing yourself outside your comfort zone, and maybe shitting yourself out from fear.

Meanwhile, back at the Lady Lodge, evil producers have given the gals binoculars so that they can watch it all go down on the lake like a 14 girl crew of stalkers. Note that during all of this, whisper-baby-talk-Krystal openly hopes that Sienne gets sent home. I cannot WAIT for the "Women Tell All" episode!!

Arie and Sienne take off their crotch harnesses (not a joke--when parasailling, your genitals MUST be wrapped in seatbelts for safety) and sit on a beach sipping champagne and talking about how often Arie sees his parents (every other day) and how embarrassing it must have been for Arie to watch his younger brother get married first (HA! OUCH!). Arie says he's impressed with Sienne because she's smart, well-traveled, and a damn good kisser. God I hate it when he earns his dweeb assed nickname (Kissing Bandit).

That evening, Maquel gets a call that her grandfather died very unexpectedly and suddenly, so she packs up and leaves. Some girls think she'll return, but really? Really? If she does, she'll DEFINITELY say she returned because her deceased grandfather would have WANTED her to go on network TV in order to find love with a 36-year-old race car driver turned realtor nicknamed "The Kissing Bandit" but some and "Pasty Snooze" but others. Her grandpa LOVED that kind of thing!! Mark my words!!

As Maquel flies back to Utah (not too far at all), Sienne and Arie go into the Hard Rock Cafe Casino (how amazing must it be to see outside humans, ya know? They are living like friggin' kidnapping victims!) and sit down for a dinner of white wine for her, red wine for him. That is MY kind of dinner!  Oh Sauvey Blanc, when will I get you back in my liiiiiife!??!?!? Sienna looks gorgeous--light pink sorta wrap-ish dress, delicate jewelry, black leather jacket. Arie's too casual in a plaid shirt, but also, he's not working with much, at all, ever, so whatcha gonna do?

Sienne shares that her parents' marriage was somewhat chaotic, especially in her teen years, and that she doesn't often see representations of people who look like her in romantic, happily-ever-after stories. Wow. I'm glad she said that, producers kept it in, and Arie echoed it.  Representation is so important and anyone who says different probably grew up with the luxury of seeing representations of themselves in positions of power, positions of privilege, their whole damn lives. Sienna's feelings of outsider-ness really resonated with me and many Bach heads, I'm sure.

Arie hands her the rose, explaining that he already felt a familiarity with her when they met, that she's a strong woman who impresses him, and that the date isn't over!  He has one trick up his sleeve and by that he means that Bachelor producers have a connection to a D list, Top 40, bro country band and that band needs press!  Arie and Sienne walk into a theater where LANCO is performing (who? I know) a song that I'm ashamed I have heard on New York's country station, 94.7 and there is a BIG crowd there, but conveniently a platform on which Arie and Sienne can dance, kiss, and perform their love for a crowd of creepy onlookers. I get dumb chills from watching this, but my new, young roommate calls it "secondhand embarrassment" so I can only assume that ALL millennials use that phrase when they're snap chatting their avocado toast while tanking the economy or whatever. Perhaps we should confirm my assumptions with Bekah (GET IT!?!? MILLENNIAL JOKE ABOUT BABY RIZZO! More of those coming soon!).

The next day it's a group date for the 13 girls who aren't Sienne or Bekah (on that's right---Bekah will get a 1:1 and you haven't seen her this happy since she learned how to ride a bike last week).  The group date gals are all done up in their best sexy winter looks. Looks that scream, "yeah these are hiking boots but these leggings are like sausage casings and isn't this scarf jaunty? It does NOTHING to keep me warm but looks delightfully seasonal." When Arie meets up with the Winter Beauties, he addresses Maquel's depature, saying, "I'm really appreciative of your guyses time" when he could have just said, "I'm really appreciative of your time" but who cares? Our damn President can barely string 3 words together--let it rip!

The group goes on a "hike" that lasts roughly 60 seconds (my kind of hike) and meet up with a married couple who are experts in wilderness survival--he's Mykel Hawke (is that a stage name? Or rather, a woods name?), a former Green Beret commander and his wife is British! They talk about the dangerous of black bears (who invited Betsy DeVos?), survival, and RECYCLING URINE aka DRINKING YOUR OWN PEE!!! Yezzzzz!!  Hahah. I love euphemisms for stuff.  "Recycling Urine"--oh you mean recycling it from my own vag into my own mouth! Goodness gracious this recap is off the rails.

Each participant is handed a bottle, told to go pee into it, and then assembled to watch Arie drink his pee first. NONE OF THIS IS A JOKE. This all occurred on ABC in primetime. Arie "sips his pee" then spits it out, then reveals that it was apple juice JUST as Jacqueline (a girl who has hardly said anything and made ZERO impression on Bachelor Nation) is about to drink hers! Then we cut to a shot of blonde Jenna saying, "I would drink my pee for Arie--I would do anything." Oh Jenna, please never change.

Please take this pee conversation opportunity to watch a hilarious video created by my brother-in-law, Bobby Mort, that leads a candid conversation about America's favorite pasttime: drinking its own pee.



After The PeePee Tape (JK but I literally pray to God that President Trump's Pee Tape gets released--you KNOW that Mueller has a copy), the gang has an opportunity to eat WORMS and Tia and Kendall are FIRED UP! Kendall, as you may recall, was on an episode of Fear Factor that involved eating bugs, so this is old hat.  Krystal is horrified by all of it, as was I, though I am NOT on Team Krystal anymore.

Krystal is deep in denial and projecting HARD, as she rails against the other women, saying that they are desperate and insecure and don't know who they are. In fact, Krystal is feeling insecure and a bit unmoored and rather than handle those feelings of jealousy and insecurity in a healthy way, by looking within or sitting with them or taking ownership of these feelings, Krystal lashes out at the other women. Girl, read a self help book and get a clue.

As if bug eating and (fake) pee drinking weren't "nature date-y" enough, now the crew is split up into 3 teams, given heavy backpacks and maps, and cast out into the wilderness to find their way to a destination where there is a hot tub and bubbly.  What better carrot to dangle in front of a bevy of Bachelor babes!?

The blue team gets Arie and gets to the cabin/oasis first.  The grey team gets completely lost, and the red team is off the rails (this is when Chelsea spots Marikh allegedly using the compass as a reflective surface to check her hair and I would have done the same thing! Well, I mean, it was snowing and that would RUIN my curls, so I would definitely have them up and protected--as Ashley did--not down and losing body, as Marikh did).  Finally, everyone assembles at the hot tub where they drink bubbly, canoodle, and crack jokes (at least Tia and Caroline do, and Krystal is too paranoid and insecure to get it).

Everyone gets dressed up for the afterparty, where Krystal continues to crack (GET IT!??!?) but says that everyone ELSE is spiraling and that it's "exhausting to watch." Sure, girl.

Arie and Lauren B. have a connection and chat by a fire and man, Lauren B. not only lacks personality, she has ZERO facial expressions.  It's bizarre.  Arie and Kendall have a nice 1:1 chat and my roommate Lola called it, saying, "Arie likes crazy" which I think is VERY true.

While the ladies get alone time with Arie, Krystal holds court on the couches, waxing poetic about how romance and dating works (Good Lord did anybody ask you, Krystal?) and talking about herself nonstop.

During Krystal's alone time with Arie she mostly says "like" and says that she has a target on her back because she and Arie have such a strong relationship and THAT is why the other girls don't like her. HA!! Keep telling yourself that, kiddo. Ummm--Bekah and Becca both have SERIOUS connexies with Arie and you don't see THEM being ostracized for being front runners. Krystal just keeps digging her own grave and preserving her legacy as the Courtney/Tierra/Vienna of this season.

Krystal pulls Tia and Caroline aside to confront them about "mocking" her at the hottub and Caroline shoots straight--they were being silly, it wasn't meant to be mean to Krystal--and she's telling the truth!  They were being goofy!  Get over yourself, Krystal.  Nonetheless, the interaction feels like blondes vs. brunettes, or rather, Krystal vs. everybody--ha!

Tia and Arie have alone time during which he furiously rubs her neck and clavicles and when she tells him that she gets scared that he has strong connections with other women, he reassures her by saying, "you just need to have some faith that I have a plan" and WOW I haven't  heard that type of talk since the last time I read THE BIBLE. Who are you, Arie, friggin' God? Is this a remake of that classic Young Adult book, "Are You There God, It's Me Margaret?" called "Are You There Arie God, It's Me Tia?" Well, apparently treating Arie like the creator of heaven and Earth pays off, as Tia scores the group date rose, much to Krystal's frustration (though she SMILES BIG through it all).

Finally it's time for Baby Rizzo and Arie's 1:1 date which will be horseback riding, more hot tub and bubbly time (what else does one do in Lake Tahoe?), and, finally, a dinner of wine.  Back at the house, we FINALLY get some sound bites from Jacqueline, who says that she, too, is an "experience junkie" (as is Bekah, apparently) and that Bekah should spend her 20s doing all sorts of things, not settling down and cranking out babies for a 36 year old guy whose new favorite hobby is going to bed early.

Finally, over "dinner," Bekah (dressed in yet another huge, fake fur worn off her shoulders and yet another mock turtleneck and giant hoops) revels her age: 22 to Arie's 36.  Arie is STUNNED and I'm sorta shocked at how shocked he is because she has always looked YOUNG.  I mean, sure, she looks like a young Stockard Channing playing the role of Rizzo in the masterpiece, GREASE, but she has always looked VERY young, she's a nanny, and she has avoided the age question repeatedly. Dude--how didn't you see this coming!?  Arie just keeps saying "you're so young!" and sort of pulling away and Bekah goes into survival mode, trying HARD to reel him back in with promises of adventure and "follow your heart" and "just have new experiences" and all that stuff that you believe when you're 22.

He has his fingers IN her hoops which really grosses me out.

He explains that he has been dumped on national TV before and this time, he's seeking a partner, a wife, a person with whom to build a family (you didn't think that I was going to throw a dangling preposition in there, did you?) and that is WHY he's here.  He explains that his biggest fear is that he'll go through this whole bizarro wife search situation and come to the end, and find himself alone again. She responds, "well would it be worth it if that did happen?" and he says, "No! Cause I need a wife!" Oh man he is dropping TRUTH BOMBS and I can dig it!  He says, "I'm not here for a 22 year old girlfriend, I'm here to find a wife" and YET he decides to keep her around.

WARNING: I AM ABOUT TO BE QUITE CRASS:

Arie says that he's now going to "guard his heart a little bit" (whatever that means) but I think we all know that he's keeping Bekah around until the Fantasy Suite so that he can hump down with this sexy youngster, then he will DROP HER after that. I think he's a FOOL to keep her there, since he is SO drawn to her and she is, essentially, a non-option as far as wife/kids pronto, but he's keeping her around to get laid.  I'm betting on it.

Finally it's time to prepare for the cocktail party/rose ceremony. Sienne, Tia, and Bekah M. already have roses, so they are chill as hell walking into this cocktail party.  Everyone else is sorta losing it. Everyone wants to talk to Arie, everyone seems to feel that they are misunderstood, there is tension in the house, and it's finally "really, really getting real--like, for real now, real real."

The ladies assemble and are all looking gorgeous--there's lots of sparkles, hair, lipstick. Kendall makes a hilarious point that Krystal talks as if she's reading from a self-help book and the Twee Taxidermist is RIGHT!!  Every time the ladies are assembled, Krystal is spouting off unsolicited advice about how you gotta "put yourself out there" and crap like that. The ladies all find her to be fake and two faced and it looks like next week (ROBE GATE), Arie is going to realize that.  But back to the cocktail party/rose ceremony....

Chris Harrison walks in like one of those "I'm here to ruin your life" GIFs that I would insert here if I understood technology at all and drops this bomb:

"There will be no cocktail party."

The ladies act as if Chris Harrison has just told them ALL of their respective homes have burned to the ground.  Also, yes, that bottom picture above is a still from my Instagram story. I live tweet as much as I can and also post Instagram stories because I live, eat, breathe BACH 24/7.  So be sure to follow me on twitter and Insta: both are @SelenaCoppock.

The freaked out ladies assemble in the rose ceremony room and Bekah is looking like a young Ms.  Hannigan with that silk dress plus fur off the shoulders thing. 

Hi, I'm Bekah and I'm ready for this rose ceremony to pop off!

Everyone is freaked out but, in classic Krystal fashion, only SHE feels like she deserves 1:1 time with Arie. Arie enters the rose ceremony room (THE CHAMBER), does a standard monologue about how hard it is to select a would-be wife from over a dozen knockouts who are more educated and better looking than he is.  Just as he is about to start doling out the flowers, Krystal interrupts him and asks if she can pull him away. She and Arie go sit on a bench and she says that the women in the house are making her feel insecure and she fears that she is putting up walls with HIM because of THEM and WOWIE ZOWIE Krystal doesn't take responsibility for ANYTHING, does she?  Whatever--she'll be gone next week.  They go back to the line-up so that Arie can make some ladies cry.  Who gets roses? 

-Lauren - blonde white lady in a navy dress. She seems a LIL boring but perhaps I am a monster who surrounds herself with wackadoos who have a TON of personality? [HIGH KICK]
-Kendall - blonde white girl who LOVES dead animals! She's in a hippie chick beaded black dress that I don't hate.
-Ashley - light skinned black girl who seems has kept a low profile, which I can dig, but that dress feels a lil too casual. Beauty is pain, my friend!
-Becca K. - brunette white woman in a greenish dress, hair half up/half down, looking great.
-Chelsea - white lady single mama who is ALL cheekbones atop a blue dress.
-Jenna - blonde white woman serving vintage Hollywood realness with that liquid liner cat eye and I LIKE it but I think that she has zero connection with Arie beyond straddling him for a make-out.
-Jacqueline - brunette white lady who spoke ONCE this season! She is a PRO at not embarrassing her family, I'll say that.
-Marikh - dark haired Indian girl in a black, one shoulder dress. During the credits we watch her confront Chelsea about "glam shaming" and it was HILARRRRZ.
-Krystal - blonde white lady KOOKOO BIRD who gets the last rose and this rose will be her last (see what I did there?).

So who is going home?
-Caroline - a beautiful former Miss Massachusetts (HELL YESSSS) who seems hilarious and cool and smart, so naturally Arie sent her packing. Very presciently, she said that Krystal is playing Arie like a fiddle and she will be proven right next week, I think! Although he'll quit playing the fiddle and this Americana folk music metaphor is getting MESSY.
-Brittany - a gorgeous black woman whose dress choices were ON POINT every time.

My heart breaks for Tia because she's losing her buddy Caroline, but I'm sure they'll stay in touch (and I'll be watching it on Instagram like a Bachelor superfan psychopath!).

Next week the gang heads to FLORIDA and it looks like single mom Chelsea is the mystery lady who straddles Arie on a moving jet ski. On episode 1 I made a joke about Arie being straddled on a moving jet ski is VERY Eastbound & Down and HOLY SHIT Arie being straddled on a moving jet ski BY A SINGLE MOTHER FROM A D LIST CITY is SOOOOO COMPLETELY EASTBOUND & DOWN I can't even believe it!!

Bachelor Nick V. Episode 3: Doulagate, Naps, and a Lil Boot N Rally

Amigos!

On Monday night The Bachelor picked up right where we'd left off--with the ladies living in STD Shack processing the fact that Liz "Joker Smile Doula" Janner Friend humped Nick 9 months pre-Bach and he had just sent her home.

We were heading into a rose ceremony (rough timing) and Nick arrived at the house to face an onslaught of gorgeous ladies who wanted more information, like the strangest press conference of all time. Nick gave it to them straight, saying "we had sex... but here's the thing--I asked for her number, but she said that she wasn't in the right place and wanted to leave that night to be that night." I get what he's saying and I get why he added the disclaimer of "I asked for her number! I couldn't possibly be a sleeze!" but I also wonder what the more conservative girls in the house (cough Christen cough) think of this behavior.  Nick tells the ladies that he's an open book and he's happy to answer any questions about DoulaGate, but the gals are pretty quick to pull a Fozen and just let it go (a joke for my mom friends out there! Frozen, huh? Am I two years behind? Do the tykes still love that one?).

Nick has a few conversations about it (the one with Lacey the NYC gal seems pretty uncomfortable) and Nick says to Danielle L. that "I was more concerned about you guys" meaning, I was more concerned about what you guys WOULD THINK OF ME.  Oh Nick, it's always about you, isn't it?  Nick has a good chat with Raven (whose style keeps getting better) and Hailey (who he toasts marshmallows with) before Corinne whisks him away for a surprise that requires her to dress up as Inspector Gadget.  That surprise is, essentially, 2 pillows and a can of Reddi Whip on the front driveway, where she tries to impress him with her use of whipped cream (holy 9th grade rec room action, gang!) but mostly succeeds in creeping him out.  In a voice over, we hear Nick saying that he's a bit gun shy about sexy stuff in light of DoulaGate, so when Jasmine G. interrupts Nick and Corinne in their poor man's Varsity Blues situation, he's eager to bounce.

This prompts Corinne to scramble back into the house and WEEP, which, I gotta admit, is an even more pleasurable thing to watch than when she's simply jealous and disappointed.  Post-sob fest, Corinne crawls into bed with her rose and sleeps through the rose ceremony.

YES--CORINNE SKIPPED THE ROSE CEREMONY to sleep in a trenchcoat with a flower and got away with it.  Somebody cue up mama's favorite Chris Harrison ditty: THAT IS UNPRECEDENTED!! Is there no rule of law in the Bachelor Mansion!? Come on! I want some RULES in this house!!!

Nick realizes that Corinne's not there, but continues with the rose anyway because sometimes, the show must go on, and, annoying as she may be, she's a "hot" (to some) 24 year-old who is throwing herself at him, and most guys can't say no to that.

Corinne and Danielle M. already have roses, then he gives them out to:

-Astrid (maroon dress and cool necklace. She seems a lil boring, but has good style)
-Taylor (COOL black dress with neat cut outs and a stylish braid hairdo)
-Whitney (highly forgettable brunette in a gold dress)
-Kristina (Eastern Euro adoptee, seems sweet but maybe not the most playful? Cute dress though)
-Danielle L. (looking gorgeous in a red dress, great make-up)
-Rachel (first impression rose gal looking good in a sparkly grey dress)
-Vanessa (amazing, light, flowy dress; killer make-up; yes yes yes)
-Raven (light, lacey dress that contrasts nicely against her dark hair and tan skin)
-Jaimie (red dress, curly blonde hair, seems like a cool customer)
-Dominique (loving her retro hairstyle and pink/black dress)
-Sarah (always smiley, blue patterned dress, very cute)
-Alexis (Dolphin girl keeps on swimming! Nice red dress, great sense of humor)
-Brittney (does nothing for me, black dress, am I a monster?)
-Josephine (her hair and make-up are looking spectacular, fantastic dress)

So hitching a ride on JetBlue flight 6969 back to Loserville, Population: YOU are Hailey (who was straight up NOT wearing enough clothing), Lacey (blonde NYC gal who I was pulling for, but anyone who can get along with Corinne that well is probably a nightmare), and Elizabeth (was always pretty snooze-worthy, but cute yellow dress for the exit).

The next day we kick off another week with 18 ladies and Nick. Chris Harrison informs the women that this week, the producers have outdone themselves with the date activities.  And he's not kidding.
The group date card arrives and Danielle L., Christen (a girl who knows and loves volume at the crown as much as I do), Kristina, Whitney, Taylor, Jasmine G., and Corinne quickly learn that they will be spending a day with the Backstreet Boys and serving as their backup dancers for a concert that night.  Danielle L. and Jasmine G. are fired up because they are both great dancers, while Corinne is anxious because she's a terrible dancer AND has no short term memory (ha--I'm sorry--that killed me).

During the day of dancing with married men who call themselves "Boys," Corinne absolutely unravels, saying that she feels uncomfortable, self-conscious, and jealous.  Oh how the mighty have fallen!  Before you know it, 500 randoms are assembled in a dark airplane hanger, the Boys are singing, and Nick & his Ladies take the stage for some live dancing.  Everybody seems to do well (minus Corinne) but Danielle L. impresses the Backstreet Bois the most, so she wins a slow dance with Nick (onstage--so awkward) while the Boys sing an a cappella version of "I Want It That Way."  Danielle L. and Nick make out while slow dancing and Corinne has a psychotic break upon witnessing this, which the Bach editors play up with echo sounds and a few fuzzy camera shots--amazing cinematography.

That night at the after party (which, sadly, the Backstreet Boys did NOT attend) before the crew can have a sip of a drink post-cheers, Corinne jumps on Nick and takes him aside.  The "slit" up the side of her periwinkle Forever 21 dress is more of a giant chunk that is missing, but I suppose it's a step up from a Carmen Sandiego trench coat. Once they are alone she explains to Nick that she has trouble with "planned dancing" (she means choreography but that word has 5 syllables, so it's too complex), she apologizes for sleeping through the last rose ceremony ("I slept through my rose ceremony alarm.... err... the dog ate my... rose?") and says that she doesn't need to talk to the other girls because that's all fine (then we cut to a montage of the other girls calling her rude, disrespectful, entitled).  Now that Corinne feels confident again, she lays down her head for a long winter's nap just like in the ole St. Nick poem.

Nick and Danielle L. play grab ass and talk, then later all of the ladies assemble to hear an assortment of Corinne's verbal diarrhea (not to be confused with vomit WHICH IS COMING RIGHT UP, Bachelor Nation!): she wants a tiny bobby job, she has a "nanny" named Raquel who is the only person who can properly make her "cheesy pasta" (ya mean mac and cheese? ravioli? Good Lord the public school system failed you---or maybe your parents did?), she doesn't make her own bed or wash her own clothes, she is a job creator and so Raquel should appreciate her.  Jasmine G. has had enough so she makes a "talk to the hand" gesture and walks off to the bathroom to engage in America's favorite pastime: talking shit.  I love it and I love Jasmine.

Finally, Nick joins the ladies and hands gives the date rose to Danielle L. Halleluiah!  Also, am I the only one who is truly disgusted by Corinne's helplessness?  It's not a good look, Florida.

The next day is a 1:1 date with Vanessa (gorgeous Mother Theresa Canadian brunette) and the couple suits up in mechanic-style bodysuits, hops on a Zero G plane, and goes up then down then up so that they experience total weightlessness.  Nick and Vanessa enjoy floating and kicking and kissing while swirling around sans gravity, but soon they are "back to reality" when Vanessa starts vomiting. Oh man. This made me laugh SO hard.  What a nightmare.  Vanessa handled it with aplomb, though, and Nick, to his credit, was very chill about the whole thing.  Hey, sometimes your body just isn't ready to float like an astronaut so you boot, rally, pop some gum in your mouth, and keep on kissing!

Fear not, Vanessa--Nick gets this response from a LOT
of women when he tries to cuddle with them.

That night then enjoy a lovely "dinner" (drinks--notice that Vanessa had a glass or water--poor girl was probsies still dehydrated from all that PUKING) at the tallest building in LA (what, 8 floors up or so?) and talk about dead relatives, family, and flowers, which literally brings Nick to tears. Vanessa very astutely asks Nick why the heck he would do this AGAIN, when he has been through it all so many times?  He says he's still optimistic and gives her the rose, then they kiss and canoodle.  Very cute.  Ya see, Corinne, THAT is how it's done!

The next day is a track and field group date for Rachel (first date rose, has been stuck at house since then), Alexis (BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN'S #1 FAN I BET), Astrid (I'm sorry, but she's a snooze-a-thon to me), Jaimie (seems spunky), Sarah (smiley), Brittany (zzzz wake me up with she gets sent away), Dominique (FINALLY! She has been stuck at the house all this time and, as she said, that isn't date, that's just WAITING! Haaaay!).

The ladies dress up like an ad for Kate Hudson's new activewear line (that has been the subject of some controversy because the bums on those yoga pants are showing butt!!!) and meet Nick on a track, where 3 former U.S. Olympic Athletes inform them that today's date is a Nick-ath-alon.  There will be a long jump, a javelin throw, and a high jump (which, I gotta admit, I was pretty OK at during my middle school track days--mostly just an excuse to hang out at the track watch super cool high schoolers).  Dominique gets into her head, Alexis and Rachel dominate, and Astrid wears a bra without enough support.

Finally, the Olympians declare that Rachel, Alexis, and Astrid will go on to the final round: a 100 yard dash to a giant faux blood diamond which one women must grab, then run to the a hot tub that has been set up ON the track (love it) for some alone time with Nick.

Rachel gets to the ring first, but is running so fast that she knocks it off.  Alexis is right behind her, but can't get the ring in time, so 3rd place Astrid is able to snap up part of it (while Rachel mistakenly steps on the other part).  Inexplicably, this bizarro dash ends with Astrid STILL IN HER YOGA PANTS, in the hot tun with Nick.  Holy yeast infection, ladies!!  Dominique feels defeated.

That night the after party, Dominique continues to spiral and, bless those gals, the other ladies offer her advice, encouragement, and support.  Nick chats with each woman an when he gets to Dominique, she LAUNCHES into some obviously prepared remarks that are pretty jarring and aggressive.  I can see how Nick may have felt a bit stunned by all of it and his response to her litany of issues is to simply say that he needs to follow his gut and send her home.  I feel that.  Sometimes too much drama and hurt feelings THAT early is a bad indicator of what could be to come.  Dominique gives Nick a tearful hug goodbye, Rachel gets the date rose (2nd rose outside a rose ceremony!), and the ladies head back to the mansion.

The next day is a POOL PARTY (which is probably pretty anti-climactic when it's the pool that you sit by all day because you are effectively a concubine): 17 girls, 1 Nick, and 1 bouncy castle.  Lordy Lordy.  Raven's yellow bikini is killer, Alexis looks awesome and cracks me up, and Corinne is busy contouring upstairs while saying that the other women seem desperate. Ha! Good one, bro.

Mid-party, Corinne calls Nick to the driveway where she has a pink bounce castle for them to jump in and a pair of thighs for her to wrap around his crank.  Stay classy, Florida.  The other woman witness this display, are all pretty offended by it, and they join forces to each bring it up to Nick individually. Way to go, ladies!!  While Corinne slumbers away (yes, she goes to sleep AGAIN as the party continues), Raven warns Nick that he's making a huge mistake and that Corinne is a helpless child, Jasmine G. and Taylor both confront him about the signals he is sending to the other women, and Vanessa drops the hammer with the line, "I question what your intentions are... I'm not judging Corinne, I'm judging YOUR actions."  YES YES YES!!!

In a house rivalry that takes me back to Jake Pavelka's season when it was Vienna vs. Everybody Who Didn't Suck, right now the house is divided between Corinne vs. Functional Adults Who Know How to Cook Their Own Cheese Pasta and Chop Up Cucumbers.

From the preview, it looks like next week it will come down to Taylor vs. Corinne and you know what that usually means: a 2-on-1 date where SHIT GOES DOWN! I can't wait!

Lovely readers, are you doing Bachelor brackets? How are those going? What do you think of the season? Favorite ladies?

If you prefer listening over reading, be sure to subscribe to THE FANTASY SUITE, the amazing podcast that my wonderful friend Dava Krause and I record immediately after each episode. Check that out here: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-fantasy-suite/id1072808624?mt=2

Bachelorette Jojo Ep 5: Chads Are Evil and an L Bomb Is Dropped

Monday night’s episode opened with a celebration of Chad’s departure the likes of which Bachelor Nation hasn’t witnessed since the Black Widow (Kelsey) was dumped in the Badlands during Farmer Chris’s season or Olivia was deserted on a windswept island during Ben Higgin’s season.  There was cake, there were sparklers, Alex the Tiny Hero got a warm welcome when he returned triumphantly and finally, Wells lead the guys in a symbolic funeral for Chad (as James Taylor played his guitar, of course).  And just as the protein powder had been thrown and its container had been drop kicked into the woods, CHAD REAPPEARED!

Damn Daniel let him into the house just like in those ghost stories where you have to let the evil power into your home in order for it to take hold, ya know? It seemed that Chad wanted a final conversation with the guys and he got it. He trotted out his standard lines, blaming the other guys in the house for HIS anger issues and saying, “I guess Jojo thinks I’m ‘too intense’ or something” which is a hilarious way to backpedal after having challenged the entire house to a fight. Jordan takes the lead and handles it calmly, Wells chimes in with some mature input, and weasel Evan asks for money to replace his crummy T-shirt. Finally the guys walk away because Chad is impossible and Chad wanders off into the woods, never to be seen from again (at least not until Bachelor In Paradise kicks off on August 2^nd --SAVE THE DATE).

Soon it’s cocktail party time and Jojo has selected another stunning gown—white with flecks of silver and mermaid-style (my fave). Jojo’s dress selections are replacing Andi Dorfman’s as my favorite Bachelorette style (Kaitlyn was up there, too). 

Jojo says that she’s glad that Chad is gone and she feels like she didn’t know him. Hilariously, Evan says that now he feels like there is an even playing field (HA! Dude—you’re still not hot), and Chase declares that there’s no more negative energy in the house, which is a great way to summon negative energy. Jordan pulls Jojo away for some 1:1 time and they share a HOT kiss a mere WALL away from the other dudes. Oh Jordan, you’re so bad you’re good. Luke says that he’s “going in for seconds” (meaning that Jojo is a meal?) as Evan flails around and claims to be trying to get his time with her, but never DOING anything about it.     

It’s rose ceremony time and 3 guys are already safe: Luke the veteran who wants to sop up Jojo with a biscuit (FOOD JOKES), Alex the Tiny Hero (who will slowly turn into a bizarro mini-Chad this ep), and Jordan (who is HOT but a lil questionable).

Jojo hands out the roses to:

-Derek: Hot John Krasinski (who is quite sensitive)

-Robby: Hot MacGruber

-Chase: I’ve been nicknaming those other dudes “Hot So-and-So” but Chase is legit HOT---just Hot Chase. Independently hot.  

-Wells: Did he only bring one suit to the show? Keep your eyes open—it appears to be the same navy suit, white shirt, black tie EVERY ROSE CEREMONY.

-Grant: No tie, looking niiiiiiiice

-Vinny: Seems like a chill guy, but that George Clooney circa 1999 haircut is sort of killing me

-James Taylor: rocking a bold blood blister

-Evan: who says “my heart is on blast” and I don’t think he knows what “on blast” means.

So Damn Daniel and Robby aka The Count are heading home.  As expected, Robby makes a graceful exit (even after his Hail Mary pass of reciting a poem) and Damn Daniel rambles about having a good body and being hot (errrm… no), then heads back to the land of poutine.

Jojo and the remaining 11 are heading to URUAGUAY and as soon as the guys understand that Uruguay is a country in South America, they are FIRED UP!

Jordan scores the first 1:1 date in Uruguay and it’s a day on a boat, some swimming, and dinner.  While Jordan is flipping his hair around the Isla de Lobos, back at the hotel Vinny is becoming the male Michelle Money and giving out haircuts.  Inside Vinny’s traditional Uruguayan barbershop is a copy of gossip magazine InTouch that features a tell-all story about Jojo (as told by her monster ex Chad—different Chad than meat eater Chad). Jojo wears a knockout white dress to dinner and over drinks, Jojo and Jordan talk exes, trust, and monogamy. Jojo confronts Jordan about his ex (who is VERY outspoken on social media) and Jordan insists that he never cheated, but admits that he was a bad boyfriend to her. The issues of cheating and trust are important to Jojo, as she has alluded to those being issues in her last relationship.

You may recall that this infamous ex, Chad, has cropped up a few times—during Ben’s season, Jojo told Ben that her previous relationship had been marred by cheating and insecurity, then at the end of the season, once Jojo had finally moved on completely, ex-BF Chad sent Jojo flowers and an apology note.  GET LOST! Isn’t that always the way? It’s the Swingers phenomenon—the moment that you finally, TRULY, completely get over an ex, THAT is the moment when they will come calling.  You can’t be bluffing—you must TRULY be over the ex, then he/she will show up on your doorstep. It has happened to me a few times and it’s like these dudes can SMELL that you’re finally feeling happy and confident. Ugh. Dating is hell.

The guys are suspicious of the article and discuss it as Jojo and Jordan dance in the streets with a live band (Jordan is a HORRIBLE DANCER—did anyone else see that? I was having flashbacks to Chris Bukowski). Jojo is floating on air after the date and of course, that’s the exact moment when the producers hand her a copy of the InTouch on camera. MAXIMUM EMOTIONS!!!!! The article upsets her greatly (and is a maneuver straight out of an episode on UnREAL because, as my pal Dava said, art imitates life imitates art) and Jojo goes straight to the guys and explains that Chad’s a bad guy and she’s truly here to find a husband. The guys love her even more after all of that, so EAT IT, CHAD. 

The next day is a group date for Luke, Derek, Chase, Evan, James Taylor, Vinny, Grant, Wells, and Alex and their activity is sand surfing which is mostly “Sand Falling While Derek Mopes Around.” 

At the after party, the guys all want to move forward and forget the InToch incident and Jojo makes a joke that she’s DONE with Chads (and you know that somewhere in America, a sad Chad was like, “Not All Chads!”).  Chase seems to mis-use the word “complicit” (I couldn’t quite hear, but it seemed that way), Alex reveals that he doesn’t like Derek, and Derek pulls Jojo aside and admits that he has been feeling insecure.  During his 1:1 time, Alex says that THIS way of dating is “more real” than the game-playing involved in text messaging and flirting in the real world, which is rich since HE IS LITERALLY ON A SHOW THAT IS A GAME. Oh Alex, you’re a Tiny Hero with the emotional intelligence of an even tinier dum dum. When it’s time for Jojo to hand out the date rose, she gives it to Derek saying that she wants to give him reassurance. Alex thinks Derek’s an “insecure little bitch” (ouch) and says “I don’t need reassurance,” which is ironic thing to say when you’re having a temper tantrum. 

I'm Alex and I don't need any reassurance! Only wimps need reassurance! I AM FINE!

The next day, Robby and Jojo share a 1:1 date during which they eat lunch, try on hats (RIP the volume in Robby’s hair), then jump off a cliff into water. That night they have dinner and Robby pulls a move that Chris Harrison would call UNPRECEDENTED—he says straight up “I love you” so damn early in the season! Usually participants are struggling with those words when it’s down to the Final 3 or so, but dropping the L Bomb when you’re 1 of 11 dudes!?! Wow.  But we learn that Robby makes rash decisions as he shares that his friend died and it inspired him to dump his girlfriend of 3.5 years, quit his job, and move cities.  Very interesting. From the sounds of it, Robby is still in a transitional phase of his life and if I were Jojo, I wouldn’t be looking to join him in that.

It’s time for the 2^nd cocktail party/rose ceremony of the episode and once the guys are assembled, Derek pulls aside Robby, Chase, Alex, and Jordan to accuse them of being “Mean Girls.”  I simply LOVE watching men get snippy and petty with each other. Essentially, Derek feels excluded and only further isolates himself by calling it out.

Derek is the Lindsay Lohan before it all went so wrong

Chris Harrison shows up to inform the guys that Jojo has requested no cocktail party because there’s “no reason to delay the inevitable.” Ya hear that, Evan? You can’t weasel your way into a power move to remain safe this week! Evan says, “I want to be a freakin’ front runner” and you almost felt sorry for him, ya know? But also, Jojo is completely out of your league,  buddy, and it’s time to get back to reality and help your limp dicked clients. 

Jojo enters wearing a dark green dress with a high slit (awesome), metallic gold belt (great), and side cut outs (NOT my favorite) and starts handing out the flowers.  The order is:

-Luke (the size of his pecs is becoming gross)

-Chase (looking nice but sometimes those eyes look sleeeepy)

-Alex (who needs to sit down & mind his own business a lil bit)

-James Taylor (who I just can’t quite get on board with) and finally…

-Wells (SuitWatch 2016 continues)

Heading home are Evan, Grant, and barber Vinny. I’m glad those guys got haircuts when they could because Vinny’s heading back to Florida to regale his pals with stories and shape ups. Vinny and Evan cry but Grant holds it together. 

Next week the gang is headed to Buenos Aires, Argentina where Jordan will be in the hot seat, as the other dudes think he’s there for the fame. Ya know who just miiiiiiight also have an agenda and is right under your nose, boys? THE GUY WHO KEEPS PULLING OUT HIS DAMN GUITA-- JAMES TAYLOR!! Don’t let his lumpy look fool you!

Are you exhausted from all that reading, lovebug? Then give your eyes a rest and let your ears have some fun while listening to the latest episode of The Fantasy Suite--the podcast where Dava Krause and I discuss all things Bach. This week we're joined by guest Kim Rittberg! All eps here. 

Bach 20 Special + Bach Ben Ep 7: Everyone Act Like You Aren't Freezing

Lovebugs!

On Sunday and Monday nights, ABC served up so much Bach goodness--I could hardly digest it all!

Sunday night's episode was called "The Bachelor at 20: A Celebration of Love" and Bach producers trotted out their handful of successful franchise romances to remind Bachelor Nation that, once in a blue moon, "the process" actually works and results in a marriage and/or kids.  All of our favorites were there--assorted Bachelors and Bachelorettes, random rejects, and comedians Paul Scheer and Ken Marino (which killed me). Clare and Michelle Money were like a long haired Statler and Waldorf duo checking out the "fresh meat" and cracking jokes. Ashley "poor man's Kim Kardashian" Iaconetti was there and, as usual, in tears over a disinterred and bland Jared. Kaitlyn and her fiancee Shawn (the human knot) were there along with Trista and Ryan, heavyset Bachelor Bob, that strange Andrew Firestone character--so many Bach Alumz!

ABC knows what we like, so they served up montage upon montage: breakups, man cries, scandals, characters you love to hate, hot tub scenes, bloopers, and casting tapes. Sure, it was a shameless clip show, but it was super fun to watch.

Hour #2 was dedicated to the gorgeous wedding of Bachelor In Paradise lovebirds Tanner and Jade and I'll admit that I cried like baby learning to "cry it out" and self soothe. During the fall of 2015, I had the pleasure of chatting with Tanner and Jade a few times for a potential project that didn't come to fruition and they are super lovely people--totally in love, extremely genuine and humble--the kind of people who you'd hope to meet when trapped in a weird reality TV situation.  Their wedding was gorgeous and having Chris Harrison as the officiant was a lovely touch, though the camera shots cracked me up.  Chris opened up talking about love stories--some are long (camera pans to Trista and Ryan), some are short (shameless shot of 2 time Bach loser Nick V.), some are just getting to the good part (camera pans to Kaitlyn and her poor man's Ryan Gosling fiancee, Shawn).  Their vows were touching and they exited as Mr. and Mrs. Tobert to exploding sparklers flanking the aisle, which resembled a kickass Whitesnake concert.

In a moment that felt like putting a hat on a hat, Seal sang "Kiss from a Rose" at the reception and I'm just impressed that their floral arrangements weren't entirely roses (I bet Jade had to veto some producers pushing for that).  Overall, a beautiful celebration and who doesn't love seeing all of our favorite bach alums?

Monday night we were back to present day Bach: Ben Higgins and his remaining 6 gals in his hometown of Warsaw, Indiana ("the Orthopedic Capital" whatever that means!) and this episode played out like an extended cut of John Mellencamp's "Small Town." Lordy Lordy WE GET IT, you're proud of your small town heritage and somehow don't feel completely stifled and strangled by small town life.  Ben, you are a very different person than I am (and apparently, than Caila is, too).

To kick things off, Ben cruises around town in a classic truck and meets his parents at the local diner where he tells them about each of the 6 women by saying how beautiful each is and where they are with regard to connection/chemistry. I was somewhat stunned that he never mentioned their jobs or hometowns or hobbies AT ALL.  Just like, Jojo and Caila are beautiful and Amanda is "shockingly beautiful." Great character descriptions, bro.


Lauren B. scores the first 1:1 date and she's feeling anxious because of Leah's bizarro lie that Lauren is two faced. Her hair may be two toned (with the dark roots creeping in), but Lauren is definitely not two faced. She and Ben drive around in his truck, play basketball with a crew of sweet kids at the Baker Youth Club (and Ronnie makes bucket after bucket from half court), and meet a handful of Indiana Pacers players with "George" somewhere in their names.  That night over drinks, Ben and Lauren discuss how stressful it was for her to be badmouthed unfairly, then--in a move straight out of my dream date--they hit up Ben's favorite local dive bar (REX'S Rendezvous) for drinks with his crew. They make out on a patio and Lauren says, "I'm not in love with Ben the Bachelor. I'm in love with Ben from Warsaw, Indiana." If Ben doesn't have the zip code or coordinates of Warsaw tattooed somewhere on his body, I'd be SHOCKED.  Next is Jojo's 1:1 date and the card references the "windy city," which inspires the saddest conversation on reality TV:

Emily: Well, it's pretty windy here? 
Becca: Chicago is known as The Windy City
[le fin]

LORDY LORDY when BECCA is the smarty pants in a conversation you are in TROUBLE.  I guess they don't cover basic geography in Las Vegas Public Schools. 

Jojo takes a car to Chicago where she meets Ben on a street corner and jumps into his arms just as a family is walking by and blocking the shot (HA!). Ben says that his favorite thing is that Jojo doesn't quite realize how much he likes her, even though he has told her many times. Blech. I hate that kind of "what I like the best about you is your ongoing insecurity and lack of self-awareness," bizarro "compliment" from dudes, ya know? It reminds me of that horrible One Direction song about how what makes a girl beautiful is when she doesn't know that she's beautiful. No thank you. 

Anyheeeeer.  They're up in my old stomping grounds of Wrigleyville (3200 North--what what!) and their date is a day at Wrigley Field, which is a truly magical experience.  I was loving this date until we heard two instances in rapid succession of both Ben AND Jojo not understanding what a friggin' personal possessive pronoun is.  KIDS, the phrase is "Ben's and my relationship" or "Jojo's and my date" NOT "AND I'S"??  Good Lord did you attend 5th grade? Aside: I once got a thank you note from a wedding that referred to "[name redacted] and I's wedding" and I was STUNNED. You're writing that on your formal wedding thank you notes!?  Doesn't that LOOK weird to you? Anyway--Jojo's style is, as always, completely on point and even though they both appear to be freezing, they look great as they play ball and dine in the baseball diamond.  They close the night by going to first base at home plate. HEYO! 

The next date is the dreaded group date and the theme is, as ever, act like you aren't freezing. Amanda, Caila, and Becca enjoy an awkward day of row boating at a swamp, kite flying, and barn sitting during which each couple gets 1:1 time.  Amanda talks about her kids and her past, Becca says that she likes Ben so much that it scares her and asks him to not blindside her (ya smell that foreshadowing???), and Caila compares herself to a moss that grows on a tree (the sturdy tree growing wherever it wants to grow being THE MAN, of course) and saying that she could move or live anywhere. I find it sad that she seems self-conscious about her family and the fact that they moved around a lot when she was a child because hey--the measure of your life is your life--there's no "right way" to do it. You don't lack "deep roots," Caila with the great hair, you just have a different kind of roots than Ben has and both are rad.  (Why am I treating this recap like it's a self help book written specifically for Caila? But seriously---pick up a copy of Caila's Journey: A Long Road to Self Love wherever books are sold).

Amanda scores the rose, so Ben and Amanda walk off to continue the date while Caila and Becca cry in the barn (and we get a prime shot of Becca's roots). 

ROOT SHOT! Caila's talking about Ben's family's
roots while Becca's roots grow in.

That night, Ben and Amanda do a "normal thing" and go to McDonalds where they are waited on by a cashier who does NOT have roots growing in and who is blonde and proud (get it, girl). Ben and Amanda ask if they can "work" the drive through, which I'm sure pissed off the REAL staff and was probably a health code violation (no hairnet, Amanda? COME ON), but Ben & Amanda had fun. Then they chow some food and eat a fry like those two dogs from Lady and the Tramp.  

Those dogs made it look so easy! 

As if that date weren't High School enough, around the corner is a Warsaw Town Carnival where Amanda and Ben make out on the ferris wheel.

The next day is Emily's first 1:1 and Ben takes her to meet his parents, which is an extremely aggressive move for her first 1:1 and also, too little, too late. Emily is decked out in her Vegas best--a look that clearly horrified Ben's sweet parents.  Caila's description of Emily as "a bright eyed puppy" with a  lot to learn is dead-on and her conversations with Ben's parents reveal as much. Emily rambles nervously as Amy and Dave grin awkwardly and nod their heads, learning that she overthinks everything (reeeeally? No seriously? Really?), that her dream is to be an NFL cheerleader (oh good! Are you hearing rumors about layoffs at the Twin office where you currently work?), and, most embarrassingly, that she's "very average" in her life, but plans to be above average as a wife and mother. Oh girl, just stop talking.  Ben's mother Amy legit CRIES to him and says that she's "fun" but too young and Ben finally decides that yes, turns out she's 23 and that's just too young.  He then takes her on the boat back to the house where the ladies are staying and dumps her on a scenic dock. I feel for Emily--ya go meet a dude's parents and think that you're doing great, then CURVE BALL you're getting dumped lakeside.  Even worse, the other 5 women watch it all go down through the window!  In a sweet move, then run to her as she walks toward the house and comfort her as she cries. I kano that when I get dumped by a guy, the ONLY people I want comforting me are his other girlfriends.

Emily departs and says that she's shocked but grateful for the experience says "why not me" which is a golden opportunity for me to share my favorite Judds song of all time:



Before ya know it, it's time for a very spooky and very chilly rose ceremony outdoors. Amanda already has a rose, and Ben hands them out to...

-Lauren B. - hoping that next week when she's home for hometowns she can see her colorist to avoid disaster (brown hair) 
-Jojo - as ever, a  killer look on this one
-Caila - sparkly dress with cape, looking good 

So who got blindsided after asking SPECIFICALLY not to be blindsided? The newly crowned Female Nick V., Becca. She cries in the limo and wonders why she put herself in this position again. Sweet Becca, cause we gotta. You can't get a hit if you don't swing the bat a couple times and hey, if nothing else, your nail color is fantastic. 

Next week: HOMETOWNS and Jojo's brothers are NOT buying what Ben's selling! I can't wait!

ALSO, after each episode, my friend and neighbor Dava Krause and I rehash the drama on our new podcast THE FANTASY SUITE. Tune in here for laughs and convo. 

Bachelor Ben H. Ep 6: Desperate Times, Desperate Measures

Monday night’s episode was another GEMSTONE and I didn’t think that ABC could top last week’s brilliance. We had all the ingredients necessary for a clutch Bach episode: desperation, sabotage, and the dreaded 2-on-1 date.

Last week’s episode ended with a cliffhanger: would Ben wise up send Olivia and her ankle girdles packing or would be believe her constant refrain that being in the lead put a target on her back? In their whispered 1:1 conversation, Olivia turned elitist (that’s a fun, new trick!) and said that she can’t relate to the other women since they are all “into” painting their nails and doing each other’s hair but she’s interested in reading books and “thinking” (yes, she literally said that) and “I want to talk smart things.” Olivia, you’re a news anchor (supposedly) and a D list catalogue model—you’re not a rocket scientist, so cut it with the claims that you’re simply too smart for this crew. Also, you sound a lot like Ian from Kaitlyn’s season and we all know how that ended (not well). 

Ben hears her out and wisely asks her about her part in it, but ultimately he’s sympathetic toward her so they walk back in together. We then see shots of Olivia saying “come at me, bro” and “I’m not going anywhere—every else can suck it” which I’m sure makes both her family and her employer feel REALLY proud of her tenure on this show.

The Cankles Stay In the Picture

  

So it’s time for the rose ceremony and already clutching roses are Olivia, Amanda (“Teen Mom” as Olivia would call her), and Lauren H. 

Who’s safe?

-Caila (who seems pretty damn smart, OLIVIA)

-Lauren B. (nice style, love the black dress and hippie style)

-Jojo (filmy white town and fuscia lips “on fleek” as someone cooler than me would probably say)

-Beccca (loving the mixed texture hair—braid, curls—it’s very Britney in her heyday)

-Leah (nice mint green gown, side braid)

-Emily (blonde with funny personality)

So the person going home is no surprise to Bachelor Nation: Snooze-A-Thon, Brunette, Monotone Jennifer. Oh Jennifer, we hardly knew ye, but perhaps we DID “know ye” and there just aint much there there.  Jennifer exits gracefully.

The next stop is introduced by Ben as “a lot of sun, a lot of beach, a lot of ocean” (yeah, those 3 things often go together), THE BAHAMAS! There is sunshine but the weather is generally hurricane-like and the only thing rougher than the wind and tides is how Olivia looks without make up. 

Chris Harrison brings the girls up to speed: this week will have a 1:1, a group date, and an infamous 2:1 from which at least 1 girl is sent home (and historically, often both girls are sent home). 

Software saleswoman Caila gets the 1:1 and Leah is upset because she has only had group dates so far. I hear that, but Caila and Ben’s first “1:1” was more of a “3:1” with Kevin Hart and Ice Cube and everyone feeling VERY obligated to promote the movie Ride Along 2.  Ben picks up Caila at the hotel and Leah is awkwardly wedged between them on the couch (that seating situation was BRUTAL to watch) before they head out. While Caila and Ben spend a sunny day deep sea fishing, Leah begins to unravel back at the hotel saying that she feels like a fool. Outside of the show, Leah lives only 10 minutes away from Ben, which she takes as a sign of their inevitable compatibility (girl, plenty of people live near me and that doesn’t mean I’ll have anything in common with them other than a subway stop and a local coffee shop). Leah, I’m sorry, but the universe didn’t bring you and Ben together—casting directors did. 

Caila's favorite book

Over a candlelit non-dinner, Caila and Ben have one of the most confusing conversations in Bachelor history, with Caila pulling back the curtain and saying that she knows she’s “supposed” to be vulnerable but she feels put on the spot, that she’s afraid she’s going to break his heart (yikes), and that her mind and her heart want different things (but like, what does your crotch want, also?). She chooses her phrases so deliberately and carefully (“I feel that...”) that it felt like watching a non-native speaker learn English phrases (“I would like to visit the library”). 

Somehow she emerges from that conversation triumphant, with Ben saying that he LIKES that Caila is confusing and that makes her “authentic.” Whatever you say, bro. Enter at your own risk.

The next day is the group date and Lauren B., Becca, Amanda, Jojo, Lauren H., and Leah resemble a sea of bikinis, tan skin, and bayalage hair. The ladies and Ben hop on a boat, drink a bit, and then come upon some wild pigs by a deserted island.  Ben has turkey hot dogs for them to feed the pigs (thank GOD they weren’t regular hot dogs, as I thought they were for a moment) and after that, everyone mostly stands around and feels insecure and weird.  This “acticity” is an audio mixer’s nightmare with loud waves and squealing pigs and no ability to mic each girl since they were in the water. There must have been multiple boom operators running around like crazy people—brutal. 

Leah confronts Ben about how she feels sad that she hasn’t had a 1:1 yet and he says “can you make the most of this with me please?” then hugs her, which was like watching an abusive husband ask his wife to please smile and nod through another dinner party.

That night at the afterparty, Becca’s rocking a fantastic leather & lace outfit when Ben pulls her aside to ask why she was standoff-ish to him today. Becca shoots him straight, saying that the date felt awkward because he has such obvious chemistry with Lauren B. (I smell foreshadowing) but that she’s still really into him, he hasn’t done anything wrong.  He proceeds to then assure almost every girl that he really likes her and I wish that we could have seen it as a montage, but alas. 

Leah finally gets some alone time with Ben and producers give us an ominous voice over of Leah saying that she “needs to do something extreme.”  Turns out, it’s not just Leah’s eyebrows that are intense and crazy—it’s also her personality.  Leah goes full Single White Female while claiming that she doesn’t want to sabotage anyone and then tells bold-faced lies to sabotage someone. Bachelor Nation was STUNNED to watch her throw Lauren B. under the bus, claiming that she’s two-faced and not genuine.  HUH? Say what you will about Lauren B. (perhaps she’s a bit simple and shy?), she is NOT an Olivia type who is some Jekyl & Hyde.  I swear I heard her say Lauren B.’s name in that conversation, but my podcast co-host Dava didn’t hear it—did you hear it, dear reader? It was all so confusing.

After dropping her bomb, Leah exits, like a blonde haired Iago and Ben immediately confronts Lauren B. about what he was told (without naming names). Lauren B. starts crying and feels weird even responding to this, since it’s so far from the truth. Moments later, Lauren B. is visibly upset and tells the other women what happened and Leah COMPLETELY LIES AGAIN about her involvement, saying that she’d never single somebody out and that she didn’t do it. I cannot wait for “The Women Tell All” episode later in the season because Leah is going to have to pay the piper for that whole charade.

Then, as if she hasn’t done enough damage both to herself and to Ben and Lauren B.’s relationship, Leah shows up on Ben’s hotel doorstep that night for more conversation. If she truly wanted to say around and honestly liked Ben, she’d use that alone time to build a bridge, flirt, maybe even make out. But Leah seems dead set on going out with a bang, so she squanders her limited time by again, doing the exact thing that she INSISTS she does NOT want to do (“sit here and talk bad things about Lauren”).  Ben sees through her and makes subtle digs, saying that the first night felt so great between them but it never moved beyond that (got to be hard to hear, even if you’re an Iago type) and that they’re missing something between them.  Finally, Ben says that he doesn’t want to put her through anything more and it’s best for us to say goodbye. Yesssss. Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out, Psychopath! See ya at The Women Tell All—bring ya boxing gloves!

The next day is the 2:1 between Emily and Olivia and going into it, I thought that Emily was a dead man walking.  Ben and Emily get along well, but don’t seem to have a romantic chemistry and at this point in the game, that’s worrisome.   Olivia makes a joke that she and Emily are the same age but that she feels like her mother and YEAH YA DO with your dumpy clothes and bad taste. The match up truly looks like the fight of the century: 

The trio hops on a boat and braves some rough waves (buns all around, ladies! Do you know how much conditioner you’ll need to undo these tangles later?) as they make their way to an empty island for a date that consists of sitting around and drinking (well, most dates do, but it just feels weird to schelp so far into a hurricane for that activitiy, ya know?).

Olivia and Ben have some alone time during which she rambles about herself and claims to both be an introvert (doesn’t seem like it) but also extremely intimidating and confident yet grounded. I was ready to hear her end with “and I’m extremely humble” but instead, she ended her bizarre monologue by telling Ben that she’s in love with him, which is the Hail Mary Pass of Bachelor conversation moves.  Again, Ben Higgins can smell a rat and he seems completely uninspired by her confession of love.

Ben and Emily have some alone time during which she delivers an extremely enthusiastic diatribe from behind a curtain of hair and soon it’s time for Ben to give the rose to one lucky lady. He plucks the rose from its spot and asks Olivia to walk down the beach with him, with all signs pointing to Olivia being given this rose and Emily being sent home.

BUT WAIT!

Olivia’s open-mouthed grin disappears as Ben clutches the rose and says that he simply CANNOT give it to her because he can’t reciprocate her feelings. Who could have predicted that Olivia—the girl who has been referring to Ben as her “husband” all season--would leave with a whimper and not a bang? Ben walks back to Emily and gives her the rose as she squeals loud enough for Olivia to hear. Sometimes, The Bachelor is pure poetry. Ben and Emily hop a boat out of there while Olivia stands alone on the shoreline and a helicopter shot captures her heartbreak. 

Back at the hotel room, the ladies are stunned and relieved. It wasn’t a celebration quite like we saw when snug know-it-all Kelsey was sent home from Farmer Chris’s season (Badlands), but it was still notable.

Finally, it’s cocktail party time and everyone is wound up, even moreso when Ben cancels the cocktail party because he’s emotionally exhausted.  We’re going straight into the rose ceremony and Caila, Emily, and Amanda already have roses. Then Ben gives roses to…

-Becca (whose white dress is gorgeous against her tan skin and perpetually sleepy eyes)

-Jojo (whose style is top notch, including this army print, backless filmy number)

SO THEN WE ARE DOWN TO LAUREN H. VS. LAUREN B. 

A match-up unparalleled since the legendary Vegas Vs. Talbots bout earlier in the episode.

Who gets the rose? 

-Lauren B. (looking great in a flowy dress, beachy waves)

So Lauren H. is going home, which didn’t surprise me at all. She and Ben had fun, but also didn’t seem to have much romantic chemistry there. And with Lauren H.’s tear-stained departure, Lauren B. becomes LAUREN. Congratulations, girl! The last Lauren standing. But not the last woman standing.

If you want to hear me and my pal Dava run our mouths about The Bachelor, check out our podcast The Fantasy Suite here. 

Next week, ABC is giving us 2 nights of Bachelor: A Bachelor 20^th anniversary celebration on Sunday then a new episode on Monday. If you overdose on Bach, does your tongue taste metallic like with a Pine Nut overdose? We’ll soon find out!  

Bachelor Ben H. Ep 5: Teen Mom Dramz

When we all first started this journey of watching 20 somethings talking about journeys, I never thought that I’d feel an intense kinship with a 20-nothing teetotaler twin from Las Vegas, but last night Emily won my heart with her white hot hatred for Olivia and her repeated reminders that Olivia has bad breath. Who knew that a shared hatred for a stank breathed bully can indeed a friendship make?

ME + EMILY = BEST FRIENDS FOREVER! 

But let’s start at the beginning—we’re in Mexico and all Bachelor participants are required to shout “Viva La Mexico” at the camera multiple times!  There are 11 girls left and they storm the Four Seasons Mexico City suite like they have never seen a queen sized bed before. The first date card goes to 25 year-old divorcee and mother of 2, Amanda (she’s nothing if not efficient). The Bachelor again becomes like sorority pledging when Ben surprises the ladies in the middle of the night with an unexpected wake-up call (“line up in the Glen and recite all of the sisters' birthdays, pledges!!”). Ben arrives at 4:20 am (heh heh) but he’s no there to get high, he’s there to pick up Amanda (who just HAPPENED to sleep in a full face of make up) so that they can get high in the sky in a hot air balloon! I’m having flashbacks to when Farmer Chris picked up Britt for the exact same date and she ALSO slept in a face full of make up! Life is a circle of repeated bullshit! Wheeee!  It really IS Groundhog Day! 

Ben and Amanda go up in a hot air balloon and look down at the Mexican ruins then enjoy a picnic in a field where they both talk in circles about how they’d like to get to know each other better, but they don’t take any steps to actually DO that.

That night Amanda rocks a beautiful, black cocktail dress with geometric cut outs in the front and perfect hair (what’s new) as she tells Ben about her failed marriage (a super sad story and a deluge of “likes”). She had her first child when she was 22 and married that guy 6 months later, but there were always red flags and “he had other priorities” (read: dude was immature cheater who would rather party than settled down at the age of 22).  She got pregnant again and then found his cell phone with texts from ex-gifrlfriends and girls from dating sites. Oof.  Ben is, as always, really sympathetic and sweet (I’m drinking the Ben H. Kool Aid AND I LIKE IT) and is flabbergasted that any guy could not wrap up Amanda and her sweet daughters. Ben gives her a rose and then they make out while standing next to a reflecting pool that makes them both look like they are standing IN said pool OR they both had their legs cut off at the shins. ROMANCE!

Up next is a group date and Olivia thinks she’s too good for it, despite being on it. The gang is Jubilee (who is feeling anxious), Becca (who continues to resemble a Floridian grandmother out on the lanai), Jojo (whose style is amazing), Caila (who doesn’t really excite me), Emily (who should be receiving my BFF heart locket by mail any day now), Lauren B. (who is sweet and cool), Jennifer (who is a nap of a human), Leah (whose eyebrows inspire both my love and my hatred), and Olivia (whose cankles accentuate her bad breath). 

The date is a Spanish class and Spanish cooking at a restaurant and Becca’s look is “insane Boca Raton retiree” (that bold patterned dress shirt thing? That half up/half down topknot? WHAT WAS GOING ON HERE?). As usual, Jubilee’s insecurity manifests in flippant comments and Olivia is the whitest white woman I have ever seen.

The crew heads into a huge market to meet Nico and Lula, brother and sister (with hipster style) who own a local Mexican restaurant and will be supervising this cooking challenge.

This photo doesn't capture his pointy edged mustache and her braids, but trust me--these two look like hipster twins 

Everyone must pair up (and Olivia elbows Jubilee out of a pairing with Ben), shop for ingredients, and then cook a Spanish dish to be judged by the hipster siblings.  During the cooking portion, everyone seems to be having fun except for Jubilee who is understandably perturbed that Olivia is essentially getting a 1:1 date out of this. The Hipster Twins (this name gets more official every time I use it) judge all of the plates and declare Jubilee and Lauren B.’s dish the winner saying, “when you know how to cook, you’re ready to get married” (oh is that when? Not when you find a partner who supports and validates you while also enabling you to preserve some modicum of independence? WHAT DO I KNOW?).

That night they get dressed up for an after party and Ben can barely squeak out “great cooking today, ladies” before Olivia snatches him away. The Bachelor producers give us a serious cankle shot as Ben and Olivia descend a few stairs and sit down to talk and reconnect. Lauren B. is rocking white separates (for the 2^nd time!) and Ben leads her outside for a street side make-out and chat. Jubilee is becoming increasingly anxious and when Ben finally grabs her, she refuses to hold his hand. Ouch. She does so out of respect for the other women and while that’s a super kind instinct, she’s shooting herself in the foot. Ben and Jubilee have an intense conversation and he says that he doesn’t think that they have a strong enough foundation to build on anymore, then offers to walk her out. That escalated QUICKLY. Jubilee looks gorgeous and holds it together as she exits, then weeps in the interview room saying “I’m the most unlovable person in the world right now.” Oh, sweet girl, what you need in your life is a good therapist—not a boyfriend. Take a page from Lace and focus on loving yourself for a little while.

Ben returns to the ladies and explains what happened with Jubilee, but is interrupted by Jojo (which I found slightly inappropriate) because this romance train has gotta keep moving down the track.  They have a nice conversation but it’s Olivia (who Ben describes as “someone who struggled for a while” HA!) who wins the rose.

The next day is Lauren H. and Ben’s 1:1 date and it’s all about fashion. They try on clothes, chat with designers for Mexico Fashion Week, and ultimately walk IN a fashion show. Backstage, Lauren asks the models how long they have been in the industry (“4 years,” “6 years”) and tells them that she’s on DAY ONE in the industry! HONK! She reminded me of that guy who does standup ONE TIME and has some serious beginner's luck, then tries to hang out with those of us who have been at it for around a decade. Sit down, Lauren H., the adults are talking.

Ben resembled a poor man's Enrique Iglesias while on the runway.  I LIKE IT! 

Over dinner, Lauren H. tells Ben about her 4 year relationship that ended because he was cheating on her (ouch) with 3 different girls (double ouch), 1 of whom was a friend (TRIPLE ouch) and, Bachelor Nation, I think we have found the underlying theme of this season: EVRERY GIRL ON THE SHOW HAS BEEN CHEATED ON!  It’s uncanny. Lauren H. talks about how she actively chooses to be happy now and I appreciate that sentiment and admire her worldview, but still find her a little bit “aww shucks” corny. Ben walks and Lauren clomps out of the dinner (seriously girl walks like Big Foot), she scores a rose, and they awkwardly make out in the street.  She won’t make it to the final four—mark my words.

The next day it’s cocktail party/rose ceremony time and everyone looks fierce except Olivia. Becca and Emily are both wearing sparkly disco numbers,  Jennifer is masking her drab personality with a gorgeous fuscia frock, and Jojo’s filmy, white dress is a bold choice that pays off (especially because of the pink lip).  Olivia’s red dress is very David’s Bridal (in the words of my wonderful pal and Fantasy Suite co-host Dava Krause) and as Amanda is talking about babysitting arrangements for her daughter, Olivia chimes in that this conversation reminds her of the TV show “Teen Mom” then fails to understand why that comment stunned the ladies. She cries crocodile tears and says “I’m trying” because a producer probably told her that a person with a heart or emotions would react that way. 

The women have had enough and they each confront Ben—Emily (great work, girl), Amanda (who has felt targeted and judged by Olivia since day 1), and even snoozefest Jennifer!  Emily remarks that she’s not sure how Ben can be drawn to her AND be drawn to a person like Olivia. (BACHELOR DEEP CUT: That love triangle reminded me of the wonderful Ali Fedotowsky during Jake’s season with regard to Vienna—who’s with me?)  Unlike floppy haired Ben Flajnik from his trainwreck of a season, Ben Higgins listens to the women, trusts their judgment, and wonders if he’s not seeing the real Olivia.  So just as the Chris Harrison is about to whisk Ben away to start the rose ceremony, Ben pulls Olivia aside for a conversation and everyone is stunned. Will Ben revoke her rose and send her home? Can he do that? Are there any rules on The Bachelor OR in love? The Bachelor producers leave us hanging with a “To Be Continued” cliffhanger and I CANNOT WAIT 7 DAYS TO WATCH OLIVIA’S DEMISE!!  What do you think will happen, dear readers?